Undergraduate / 'Cycling' - Extracurricular activity [3]

Tran


Okay, colleges wanna know how cycling has affected YOU as an individual and what you can bring to the school community through cycling.
For example: Cycling has gotten me physically fit and has helped with how I organize thought as a result of having so much free time to just think.

Not a serious example, but by saying something like that colleges will know you think things through. Don't know if you understand that but yeah.

Secondly, maybe you could talk about a cycling club you joined or a race you participated in or something. Also you could have a little anecdote about cycling.

Otherwise you kind of spent a lot of time on the fact that cycling provides release, you can probably cut down on that and talk about what I mentioned above.

Hope this helps!

Undergraduate / Quiet. To much of my family I am "the good one". I am not rebellious; I am studious, and responsible [2]

Brielle

Off-topic: I like your name.

It's always the quiet ones.
To muchmost of my family I am "the good one.; " I am not rebellious; I am studious, and responsible and definitely not rebellious. To many of my classmates, I am a face in the hall. I am the name they have possibly heard in passing, but my face does not come to mind.(I think this is unnecessary)Because I am not the incredibly loud obnoxious girl or incredibly attractive or a brainiac, most would consider me average, quiet.

I really liked your essay, I liked the idea. The only thing is I think you could have made the ending a little more stronger and not restating the prompt.

Hope this helps!

Undergraduate / "Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh," Panic's frantic scream echoed in the cavernous cave. [8]

SUBMISSION :)

Thank You all SOO Much for your help!

Undergraduate / "Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh," Panic's frantic scream echoed in the cavernous cave. [8]

Uchenna

Haha, I comment a lot on others, I guess it comes around. #karma.
Thanks for the compliments though :)
I'll see what I can do about adding something else. It'll be hard, but we'll see.

Thank you!!!

Undergraduate / "Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh," Panic's frantic scream echoed in the cavernous cave. [8]

Max

No, I actually think I is correct (my twin just gave me a 'duhr' look) so.
Mhmmm, I thought about that myself, but I see nerds as people who are naturally smart/intelligent without studying. So then it would contrast. I'll make a reference so that the AO will know.

LOL its only 45 posts because I reply so much. Majority are mine.
Thanks again dude ;)

I want it to be perfect. Curse my perfectionist nature.

Undergraduate / 'A regular day in my childhood' - Common app [9]

Laerke

Yes it has potential. Everything does. haha.
You show by giving example/anecdotes. For example, responsibility - you could talk about a club you head, generous - you could talk about joining a service organization, self-reliant - you could take about anything you've organized or something you've have to take care of without your mom's help or whatnot.

Explaining/describing experiences like that will show and not tell.

No problem.

Undergraduate / 'my dad continued to pour his information on me' - Common App [4]

Zain

I prefer this as opposed to the previous conclusion, so consider that as success.

Undergraduate / 'Surfing and water' - Common App: Extracurricular Essay [5]

Damian

You need to elaborate how surfing affects YOU - get personal and also the community at large. Maybe talk about a club you've joined/started or since you wish that surfing was more popular, maybe you started a campaign or something. AOs wanna see what you can bring to table, and this isn't really saying much.

Hope this helps!

Undergraduate / 'The President of the Hip-Hop Club' - CommonApp Extracurricular - Newspaper [9]

Brenda

I think you approach is novel, but you need to refine it a little better, cut down on some unnecessary parts, cause you should portray how joining the Patriot affected YOU, what did YOU learn from it and how it the Patriot impact YOUR life or how you viewed things. It was well-written, so just incorporate more of you and you'll be okay.

Hope this helps & if you wouldn't mind could you take a look at my own extracurricular activity, water polo essay. Thanks!

Undergraduate / "Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh," Panic's frantic scream echoed in the cavernous cave. [8]

This morning I suddenly stumbled across on an idea for a common app. essay. It's a Rough Draft so far, and most likely I think I'll stick with the first one, but I just wanted to hear your opinions on this essay? So...shoot!

Punctuation

"Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh," Panic's frantic scream echoed in the cavernous cave. Practical traipsed in, the landscape transforming into a spotless office with glass framing all the sides of the room. Outside Personality painted the breathtaking image of a full moon whose luminescent glow touched everything, dousing all shadows before sitting cross-legged on the desk in the centre of the room. The trio gathered together for an impromptu council.

"It's probably just a joke." Personality broke the silence.

"Calm down Panic," Practical uttered, her tone impassive. "I'm sure it can be explained."

"How!" Panic shrieked deafeningly.

Practical and Personality read the message, while Panic had dropped on the ground cradling herself, rocking back and forth. Practical reread the message stroking her chin. After a moment of stern contemplation she murmured somewhat to herself. "Ahh, I see,"

"Well?" Panic stared intently at Practical.

"It's missing a period after 'love'," she smiled satisfied with the discovery.

"Really!" Personality flailed her arms. She had been twiddling her thumbs, but when she heard the 'discovery' she became incensed. "This was a waste of time. I'm out, gotta hit up that party. See ya'll later."

Relief washed over me. I had reread the text message several times and had come to the same dreadful conclusion. This occurred regularly, I seemed to be the only who took the time to punctuate when typing a message and that was something that quite frankly irked me. Communication in the written form is supposed to be objective -but throughout my years of texting and internet perusing I have learned that statements can be interpreted in several ways simply because of a misplaced comma, a loud exclamation point or a dodgy question mark.

English admittedly is not a strong suit for my mathematics induced mind. But even with my rudimentary grasp of the language, I knew that punctuation was one of its most important features. A simple exclamation point can do wonders: "I love you a lot, but I love myself more!" "I love you a lot! But I love myself more." They have the same words, but two completely singular meanings. The first one stresses the love that I have for myself while the second there is stress on the love I have for that person.

Maybe I was the only one who cared. My friends seemed content with heinously lengthy run-on sentences that morphed into mini-essays without even a glimpse of a period. I however, with my over-analytical mind needed the clean and exacting structure of a punctuated sentence to remain sane. I had carefully fashioned my life into precise categories and required everything to follow my meticulous structure.

Whenever a curb ball was thrown at me, with the aid of a few brackets and hyphens I always managed to contain the problem. (I also used brackets to explain little tidbits about the idiosyncrasies of I who I am and to clarify the quirky things I might say) I demonstrate my witty and sarcastic side with quotation marks. Question marks represented a query; while exclamation points represent my disbelief or zeal for life.

All and all, punctuation is something I adhere to. I play by the rules, (some may say this is 'uncool' behaviour but this is one instance where I was proud not to be a rebel) because I believe there is power in the written word -but it can only be effective if punctuated right!

Undergraduate / 'want to see life worth living' - Stanford What matters to you and why? [4]

Zain

I loved your essay, the anecdote totally demonstrated your fun-loving side and the body of your essay shows how creative and intellectual you are. This was extremely well written and I do not see any grammatical errors. I also think that the AOs will definitely vibe well with that attitude of making work fun on order to enjoy life. Excellent.

Off-topic: My brother's name is Zane :)

Good luck though you'll have no problem getting in - I'm sure.
Hope this helps! I would love it if you read my revised common app. Luxury VS. Struggle essay. Thanks!

Undergraduate / 'southern peasant with city dreams' - Why NYU? [7]

Your welcome honey :)
Glad to help.

Undergraduate / 'southern peasant with city dreams' - Why NYU? [7]

Julian

I got the fairy-tale aspect of you essay, a nice touch, not sure if its something that has been overdone but it has definitely added some spruce to your essay.

Also it doesn't sound pretentious to me - rather I think that the'villagers' didn't accept your eccentricities.
I think this is a really good essay, as it explicitly states why YOU want to go here, however I think it could be stronger if you were more specific about NYU or gave an example, maybe you had a conversation with a current student and from their experience you know that NYU will accept your quirks.

Good Job!

Hope this helps!

Undergraduate / MIT short essays: challenge and attribute [6]

Chong


I think you should reconsider on submitting the first essay. You sound kind of arrogant and as YingBin said, MIT, and any college for that matter prefers students showing rather than telling. As YingBin also said maybe try an anecdote -that could probably curb the conceited-nature of that essay. Also, you don't necessarily need to barrage each essay with more than one/two stories.

The second essay was fairly good.
Not really sure if you highlighted the challenge or what went wrong enough, so maybe you could express that a little more explicitly. Kind of confusing and the transition was not particularly smooth.


And when I thought about it carefully, I was shocked.

Hope this helps!

Undergraduate / 'Water Polo' - Extracurricular Activity [19]

Jesse

I originally had that, but I deleted it because the word limit would not allow. But as it turns out I managed to cut down, so I inserted it.

Thanks!!

TKwokHung

I also incorporated some of your edits as well. Thanks for looking at my essay, gonna return the favour.

:)

Undergraduate / 'easy going and fun guy' - Stanford roommate essay - Multifaceted [4]

Christian

I am not sure if the AOs will appreciate your layout but I do think its pretty entertaining.
I don't know if its just me but the first line comes off as a little arrogant, so you might wanna make it more relate-able/personable.

Otherwise I like it, its funny yet informative but not boring. I didn't see any grammatical flaws either.

Hope this helps!

Undergraduate / MIT Admission - Baking, Bioengineering, and Personality [3]

I agree with Ace on the first one, add some more pizzazz.

Suggestion: BAM! I cackled hysterically while adding the white powder and crystals, brown liquid and chunks of yellow substances into my concoction. The ingredients in my potion were rather disgusting individually, but when combined created a sumptuous cacophony of electrifying sugar cookies, that will blow your taste-buds to shreds. The possibilities are endless which gives me a perverse pleasure! I love baking because of the absolute freedom I have to experiment, its an exhilarating rush...

Mhmmm I tried a thing above. But yeah something like that.

I agree with Ace again, you need to mention why programs/department at MIT interests YOU. Do some research and dig deeper.

Hope this helps!

Undergraduate / 'rich and traditional physics department' - Why Yale? [6]

Sartaj

Mhmmm, well maybe you can intertwine two aspects if you feel like all that you have mentioned is kind of erratic.

Maybe like this?

Yale has a very rich and traditional physics department. With Yale's top-flight research faculty and nice blend of theoretical and rigorous approach in higher level courses (PHYS 343 and PHYS 442), I will be able to continue my research in dark matter and develop other interests while working with exceptional professors such as Dr. Charles Baltay. The quirky, close-knit residential environment and diverse clubs intrigues me as I will be able to join Yale Debate Association while maintaining my own identity in the Sikh Students at Yale and Yale Bhangra Society and meet new and interesting persons.(I think this can be smoother, I poorly structured it)

A little better I think? Not sure but hopefully it doesn't push you over the word limit.

Undergraduate / Kenyon Supplement..Doing a work which you couldnt accomplish alone.. [2]

Sana

Maybe you want to talk about an experience when you were older, because 5 years old was a long time ago and most colleges want to know more of who you are today, which might have changed.

Other than that it was a funny story but maybe you could highlight what this incident taught you - though I don't really get the point myself. Or since it was a cherished memory, maybe you could relate it to an experience where you used the way of thinking out of the which you learned from Hina to solve a problem. Otherwise I don't particularly see how this story really answers the prompt effectively.


Hope this helps!

Undergraduate / Earth Process of evolution - Stanford Intellectual Vitality [5]

Stephen

Your quite welcome, and I rather like how you incorporated it.

Undergraduate / Earth Process of evolution - Stanford Intellectual Vitality [5]

Stephen

I don't think the rest of your essay was bad at all! In fact I think the experience is well written. The only thing is that I think your conclusion could reflect more on how the experience helped shaped your intellectual development.

For example: Dr. W's logic taught me to think outside of the box/that you did not need to do things on the straight and narrow path.

I don't know if you understand my point, or if it make sense.

Hope this helps!

Undergraduate / Stanford Roommate Essay - My Life in Statistics [6]

Well I definitely thought this was a unique innovative way of doing an essay, definitely a risk. Hopefully the AOs will appreciate your wild side. HAHA. Just some suggestions:


Maybe 'computer guru' instead.
Off-topic: This happens to me ALL the time with my grandma, I'm the computer + tv problem fixer.


I dunno, for some strange reason I believe you can come up with something wittier to say here.


Decent sounds kinda flat, how about 'I consider myself a devil of a chef' or whatnot, just not decent.


Since you already say learn in this sentence, maybe spic it up 'and savour the experience'

I like the making a goal to do noteworthy things. I thinks its a pretty neat idea.

Hope this helps!

Undergraduate / Common App - Topic 1 - Becoming more openminded [4]

Alicia

I think your essay is very unique, I love how you started. It revealed characteristics about your personality and also grabbed my attention off-the-bat. Overall it was well written and the traces of humour were well done. Very good essay. Just get a few more persons to read over for grammar, I might have missed some things. Its a good mix between professional & lightheartedness.

Hope this helps! I would love if you took a look at one of my essays. Thanks!

Undergraduate / 'the dumbest of my parents' children' Common App personal Statement essay [8]

George

I agree with Tiffany, you should show how the hob has actually affected you or how it made you grow as an individual, or it taught you to do things not to prove your parents wrong, but because you want to or are passionate about it.

For example: 'I took the job to prove a point to my parents, but it turned out to be a very rewarding opportunity and it taught me...etc'


Hope this helps!

Undergraduate / 'Learning languages is a hobby' - Common App Extracurricular [9]

Siskia

My word, I merely passed Spanish and given the chance to chose French, I declined.
Yes, tweak away.

Yes I meant characters, I'm so silly sometimes.

Undergraduate / You Are My Sunshine - Common App Essay [6]

Justine

LOOOOLHAHA. thank you. I don't really talk about it, but I love writing!! Been having writers block of late though. :(
You write well as well so I don't think you'll have any problems either.

Undergraduate / 'electromagnetism and electronics' - Pratt Engineering [3]

Some of your sentences were kind of run-on, so you might want to be more concise. Other than that your essay was extremely well written and the first two paragraphs clear state why you want to study engineering. You concluding or 'why Duke' paragraph was also well written, but is generic at some points. You have made specific reference to programs at Duke so I think it'll be okay though. Good essay. Focus more on the why Duke part and you'll have an excellent essay.

Hope this helps!

Undergraduate / You Are My Sunshine - Common App Essay [6]

Ironic eh?
I began reading this & I was like 'I love Copeland', so I scrolled down & got the shock of me life. Hey Justine, its Zhoe!

Any who. Your essay is well written, but it needs to have more about YOU, cause that's what the common app. is all about. So you should incorporate more about how Copeland changed/affected you maybe add an anecdote or something.

:)

Undergraduate / 'Learning languages is a hobby' - Common App Extracurricular [9]

Siskia

I loved that touch of humour for the end, brilliant! Overall your essay was very easy to read, personable and well written. The only thing I could think to add is maybe you could focus more on how learning languages have affected you. But otherwise I rather loved your essay.

Off Topic: You make learning languages so easy, I wanna learn how to speak a few languages myself.
Good luck!
Hope this helps, I would love if you took a look at my common app. Luxury VS. Struggle Essay. Thanks!

Undergraduate / 'Water Polo' - Extracurricular Activity [19]

George

I did try to narrow it down with the example of the senior/coach's game that I saw. Thanks for the comment.

Mary

Thank you!
I moved the last sentence to under the second paragraph, so hopefully that smooths it out.

Revising.

Undergraduate / Lehigh Supplement: Founding your own college or university [4]

The more languages you know the better.

Mhmmm maybe,
'The more languages you know, the more diverse you will be.'
OR
'The more languages you know, the more open to learning a new culture you will be.'
OR
'The more languages you know, the more cultured you are.'

I don't know if those helped at all. Thanks for your help as well.

Undergraduate / 'Announcing the program for us' - Common App Short Answer [9]

Angela

Suggestion: What could be more rewarding than that?
I thought the ending would pop more with this ending.

Lovely essay, you incorporated the experience brilliantly while highlighting what you have learned from the experience. Good Job!

Hope this helps! I'd love if you read one of my essays. Thanks!

Undergraduate / 'where professors cared' - Why UChicago? [4]

Aerial

I loved your essay!! It was spectacularly written, captivating yet honest and down to earth -not an overuse of figurative devices either. Only one thing is that you might want to cut down on the first paragraph and focus more on UChicago, you can use more specific examples about programs, clubs etc that pique your interest or you could take about activities you like to do and how they can be done at UChicago, because otherwise, if you substitute UChicago with another college it could work just as well. Do that and this will be perfect!

Hope this helps!

Undergraduate / 'Water Polo' - Extracurricular Activity [19]

I am writing a revised version now, trying to work out the kinks and whatnot.

Rebecca

LOL. You play water polo as well?

YingBin

I was thinking the same thing. Thanks!

Pham

I changed the concluding sentence too. Revising. Thanks!

Undergraduate / Princeton Supplement - Quote that changed your values or approach to the world [3]

Felipe


I think you started out with a very strong quote and I was immediately hooked. Attention grabber down! The conclusion was also strong. I have no other comments, it was well-written and my interest did not fade throughout reading the essay. Very good essay.

Hope this helps. I would love it if you took a look at my common app. Luxury VS. Struggle essay. Thanks!

Undergraduate / 'algebra II and trigonometry' - Common app- Elaborate on an activity [22]

YingBin

Well then since its for common app. you might want to summarize the second paragraph in a sentence and focus more on how your teacher's words of motivation affected you and then you can lead into the last paragraph about you studying the basics.

For example: On the first day of blahblah, I was excited to learn the riveting basics of blahblah, (you don't necessarily have to say to advance to junior year cause that might indicate a lack of interest- you only want to do it so you can move on) but the instructor focused on blahblah instead. With a mouthful of jargon I had never heard before, he had simultaneously rendered me clueless and disheartened me.

Frustrated I sought the advice of my teacher, who succinctly told me to stay in the program and challenge myself. He told me that I should learn the basics in order to understand the more advanced topics. After some consideration, I realized that my teacher was right.

The following weeks thereafter I applied myself to the task. On my way home I would take out my Algebra review book determined to conquer basic Algebra...

Then you can go on to say if you did in fact master it and what you got out of it.

Hope this helps!

EDIT: This was before I saw the revised version by the by.

Undergraduate / 'algebra II and trigonometry' - Common app- Elaborate on an activity [22]

Is this for the common application extracurricular activity essay?
My only comment is that the transitions are not too smooth and each paragraph seems to be about three different things, doesn't feel very connected. The concluding paragraph needs some work. Otherwise it can be a really good essay.

Hope this helps. If you don't mind could you take a look at my common app. extracurricular essay. Thanks!

Undergraduate / Common Application Short Answer: Basketball [7]

Adrienna

You could say urban ballet instead.

Grammar, Usage / (Can't they still be influential in their absence?) - help with word choice [4]

No problem and your welcome.

Undergraduate / Short UVa Suppliment "what is your favorite place to get lost in and why?" [5]

Cindy

I just figured you were saying generally, there is nowhere else, whether in NY or the world, that could compare.