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Posts by EF_Kevin
Joined: Nov 28, 2008
Last Post: Oct 8, 2016
Threads: 8
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From: United States of America

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Oct 8, 2016
Writing Feedback / 'American dream' Writing a Synthesized Essay, tips, help, guidance or advice? [3]

sadly we're not allowed to use a delayed thesis statement

That's okay, it's better to use a thesis statement the way readers typically expect.

This will be easy for you to craft; you communicate very well. You mention that you had trouble understanding the articles, so I suggest this:

Read one of them, and look for their thesis statement. Pause on that statement near the end of the introduction, and listen for your mind to 'say' something about it.

I'll do that now, and I'll type a sentence whenever I get an idea from my own mind in response to the article:

Speth challenges his reader to think about what the American Dream really is.

Speth makes an argument that materialism prevents happiness. For example, "[paste a quote]..."

What does 'synthesis' mean in this assignment? It means you 'get the point' of one article, and you 'get the point' of the other article, and then you.... explain what implications the second article has for the message of the first article.

You say it is killing you, and it is difficult, but I think you actually just hold yourself to a high standard and you think this is more complex than it really is. If a young kid needed to know the meaning of the Speth article, you could find it easily and explain it. But because this is for your class, you might think it's more complex than it really is. And "unpack" just means to identify the main idea. "Uninformed reader" just means you explain the articles as if you were talking to someone younger than you.

You might not know what to do yet, but that's because it's not time yet to know what to do. First, read something and write something:

You do have the ability to catch Speth's message. So use one sentence to say what it is. Then, use another sentence to explain your first sentence a little more.

After that, move on to the next article. Write a sentence to express what the article's message/meaning is, and then listen for what your mind comes up with when you think of the two articles together.

: )
Sep 26, 2016
Graduate / Direct Entry Masters of Nursing Statement of Purpose, Final Draft Critique Due in 5 days [5]

Let's be more strategic about how we begin the essay. The beginning should rock the reader, maybe surprise the reader. But this essay begins with something that is only informational:

I have chosen to apply to - 's general entry program as
This should be preceded by an interesting sentence. The reader's deepest impression is formed in the first few seconds of reading.

...is to become a compassionate advanced nurse practitioner, capable of building relationships with patients while attending to their medical needs.--- This seems generic and formal. Building relationships is only one of many aspects of the work. I'll keep looking for something intriguing in the essay.

For five years, I watched as my mom devoted her time to aid her in any way possible. Whether it was after work or going home for lunch, she spent all of her free time administering medications, helping my grandmother with basic needs, and somehow still made time to take care of me and my younger brother. She couldn't change the inevitable, but seeing her wholehearted altruism for my... -- This last part is especially great. Great writing here... Now, I've crossed out some parts that are weak. It's the same thing I do with my own writing. Cut the weak parts, and keep only the stuff that rocks the reader, with imagery words and action verbs. Shock the reader with something she didn't expect.

That's my advice, but this is already great and I hope you enjoy your studies.
Sep 4, 2016
Undergraduate / "Bump, set, spike" COLLEGE ESSAY ADVICE! Volleyball Struggle Essay! [4]

This is great! You definitely have strong writing skills. Most people can't write so well. I think you'll enjoy reading books like Strunk and While's Elements of Style, or anything by Diana Hacker or Ursula LeGuin. We have a writer on our hands, people.

So, I'll tell you about one of my favorite writing tricks:

Scan through the essay, and find a spot where it has some really intense energy. Experiment with moving that part up to the top, so it's the first thing the reader sees. Image if the essay began like this:

I started to get angry. (One might think that my rage would help me to serve the ball over the net. Don't be fooled.) I couldn't stand watching games from the side anymore. I realized...

Why it works: When we write, we sometimes take a few minutes to get to the heard of the matter. But when we get there, we can move the heart of the matter up to the top where people will see it immediately. Then, they read the rest of the essay with intrigue.

Is it necessary to keep that first paragraph, or can you build on this intriguing part and scrap the introduction? To me, it seems the value of the introduction is that it demonstrates your excellent writing skill. But no matter what you write, that will be apparent. It might be better to begin with the 'getting angry' part, intrigue the reader, and then transition into a discussion of how this volleyball adversity relates to the challenge of pursuing your clear goals for college & career. Make the connections, so the reader can appreciate the way you notice common principles underlying sport and academia. Show that you have a crystal clear vision of the future.

No matter what the essay prompt is, the goal remains the same. Help the reader reach a conclusion that the writer of this essay should be given any opportunity that interests her, because she's one of those rare people with real drive, inspiration, and clear goals/plans.
Jul 11, 2016
Graduate / Statement of Purpose for Masters in IT for Business analytics [2]

I have been always

I think people too often say, "I have always been interested in..." so the people who read these essays get tired of seeing it. Let's think of a way to catch the reader's attention at the start of the essay. I'll keep reading until I find something that catches my attention.

...to become expert in Data analytics and use this experience to further grow as Data strategist. --- This is not a goal. This is a means to an end. Do you know that expression? A means to an end is a method for achieving the real goal. If you want to excite the reader, think about your degree program, and even your career, as a stepping stone on the path toward achieving the real goal.

And what is the real goal? You want to attend this school to become an expert in analytics, and you want that expertise because it will empower you to do something. What is it you want to do with this expertise? I wonder if you have a vision for the future in which you apply your talents to positively society, or people's lives, in a specific way.

Given the abundance of data at their fingertips, Telecom Service Providers and vendors are --- Here is a great sentence! I added one word. This was the first sentence that caught my attention. For that reason, I suggest putting it right up at the top. This is the 'hook' that hooks the reader's attention.

Given the abundance of ... I realized importance of learning data analytics as a major subject to drive business successfully.--- Brilliant. You should put this paragraph up at the top. This is the introduction paragraph.

I believe SMU's Master of IT in Business- Analytics program will help me to learn necessary tools specially in data analytics, which I can use for analyzing Telecom data. I believe that t This master's program is the best graduate study that suits my long term career aspiration.---- Stop saying "I believe". :-) Never say it again. If you believe it, say it. There is no need to qualify it by saying it is what you believe.

It's very common to begin an essay with sentences that just convey information without appealing to the reader's interest, but then after a few paragraphs the writer gets her/his groove on. Sometimes it's a good idea to write a draft, like this one, and then wait a day or two and read it to see where you find the first sentence with real energy. Put that sentence at the top of the essay, and start over again! Develop that single, interesting idea that you use to support your argument in favor of analytics as a path to achieving a real positive impact.

Great job!
Mar 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Objection of skyscrapers is unreasonable [2]

Your structure of writing is excellent. You have explained the argument and also the counter-argument, and you refuted the counter-argument. This is very impressive, and there are just a few places where the grammar can be fixed:

... because tall buildings are the most efficient accomodations for an overcrowded city.

First of all, the construction of skyscrappers skyscrapers is surounded surrounded by harmful materials and heavy machines so that they are affraid afraid of high accident ...

Most of them also belive believe ...

Use plural in this situation:
... to natural disasters such as earthquakes .

This case is also has potential to reduce....

... seem dangerous, I totally support the view that cities to should ...

: )
Mar 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / The government should balance budgets for healthcare and health education [2]

In the first sentence I see an error:

One of some the parameters which determines determine people's quality of live life is health.

For that reason, virtually every developed country fund funds the healthcare equipment and procedure a lot.

However, I totally disagree with that view because it is one-sided. ---- What view are you challenging? You have not mentioned a view. It's better if you say: ... disagree with that approach.

The government should devide divide those money for both medical application and health education so that peolple people can have better healthcare.

However, funding healthcare only is not as beneficial as spend the budget equally for medic and healthcare education. --- I see that this is your main idea. Well, I wonder if you are correct or not. Health care education is probably the most important investment, but when money it spent on it there may be great benefits or no benefits at all. I like your idea, but I think it's necessary to give some statistics about the cost of equipment and the specific types of investment in health care education.

The plural of this word is the same as the singular version: equipments equipment
reseacrh --- I see many misspellings, so you should use a spell-checker in your word program.

: )
Mar 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / The diagram depicts the stages of manufacturing and process adjustment of the customer goods. [2]

I see that you use 'the' sometimes when it's not needed. Your Engish is almost perfect, wth just a few areas for improvement.

...adjustment of the customer goods. It is noticeable that the good manufacturing is complex procedure ...

.... and information feedback is given to earlier stages to allow for adjustment. --- This part is very good.

And here is a place where 'the' is necessary but you did not use it:
... the input is used in the product planning process.

The only way to improve your sense of when to use the article 'the' is to read often, and perhaps even read aloud to program your brain with the correct habits.

Next, the assembly process ...

Your writing style is excellent, and with just a bit more practice I think it will be perfect. : )
Mar 17, 2016
Undergraduate / Following Nikola Tesla; Texas A&M Qatar Transfer Essay - Personal Statement - Mechanical Engineering [3]

This Tesla theme is a great idea! Any time a student has a 'hero' who inspires her/him into a professional field, it's persuasive to the reader. Many students just say, "Since I was young, I wanted to study engineering..." but that is generic. You made the essay interesting with this theme.

Right here you repeat it unnecessarily:
As a first step in following Tesla to become an engineer, I started ---- Let's not use these words for this purpose, because the paragraph can start in a stronger way by introducing a new idea. Also get rid of this:

taking interest in mathematics, physics and chemistry to understand the basis of engineeri ng. ---If you want to express this point, give an example of a book you read or a concept you discovered. Specificity makes strong writing! : )

...decided to join a leading mechanical engineering school, this lead me to Texas A&M Qatar. In recent years I have read books on Islamic culture---- this is 'non sequitur', and I don't know if I spelled that correctly but it means "does not follow"... it seems confusing to go from deciding to go to a leading school to the next sentence about Muslim contributions. I think the second sentence of this paragraph should be about some great resources at that school, and some factors that make it the best school for your particular aspirations.

After you write about the school, it's great to write about the culture and religion, etc., as you did here.

Doing I intend to do so by working for ... I made this change because the sentence was incomplete.

Great job, this is already a well-written essay.
Mar 1, 2016
Graduate / On the verge of rounding off what I would consider a successful undergraduate nursing education [3]

This is a powerful essay.

However, the weeks after her....of becoming a Nurse Practitioner. This sentence is too obvious. It says something the reader has already figured out by the time they see the sentence. Can you dig deeper and be more specific?

As an undergraduate nursing student at XXXXX, I purposed to build a formidable... beautiful language here.. formidable is a good word to use for the purpose. I liked your use of 'shattered', too. Very, very good. You should be an EssayForum contributor if you have time. : )

The absence of skilled professionals to intervene prior to my mother's death has served as an impetus to be the most effective nurse practitioner I can be. --- Again here, you repeat that idea the reader has already inferred. It's an important idea, but you can be a bit mysterious and say it in a different way. Make a poignant observation, perhaps involving a relevant statistic.

It has become my life's statement.---I wish I had your writing style!

The circumstances preceding ---- This sentence begins in an abrupt way, and it seems disconnected from the rest of the essay. I think another sentence should precede this one to introduce this important last paragraph.
Mar 1, 2016
Undergraduate / "What effect has design had on you?"-UT Austin Transfer essay [2]

Lol congratulations, I notice that in the prompt the verb affected is spelled wrong by those who wrote it but in your essay you got it right (affected).

Here's a way to eliminate unhelpful words to make a sentence more powerful: Spaces and rooms can engage many different emotions in an individual and affect each person in a way they had never anticipated. ---- Even though 'and rooms' carried meaning, it's just not helpful.

Again here, I'm helping you create space in the paper ; )
For instance, in one of my interior design classes I took last fall , I learned how the lighting and color of a room can alter ....

Use the active voice: The professor assigned me a room in which I had to create..... I was then given a project in which I was assigned a room and had to create multiple different color schemes to show....

You have a great writing style!

Here's another suggestion: provides instead of gives
One of the things I admire most about design is that it gives provides the opportunity ....

Here are two sentences I don't like. No offense lol! The first one addresses the reader "you" and that should be avoided. The word 'you' always twists a dagger in the reader's hard somehow, I can't explain why. Also, the idea that beauty is in the eye of the beholder does not usually mean what you used it to mean, so that can cause the reader to think you misunderstand.

Last fall I took an architectural freehand....

And this one is even worse. At the end of the essay, you make a weak attempt to suggest you can add perspective. That's a cliche, say something awesome! And don't take offense, I'm just being dramatic. : ) I just mean... you don't get to say you'll add a new perspective just because you're a transfer student.

Since I am a transfer student, I believe I ...
Feb 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / The Dorian invasion gave the Greeks the opportunity to develop the polis. [2]

You are a great writer. Well, you say the professor is talking about the introduction and thesis statement. In this case, I think your problem is a bit more complicated than having a weak intro/thesis. The professor says the intro and thesis are weak, but... the introduction is interesting, and there is a clear thesis statement at the end. It's not weak, but I think it establishes the wrong main idea for the essay.

Is it worth writing a whole essay all about the fact that the Polis was developed as the result of the Dorian invasion? Is it even possible? Maybe you have something else to say about it. I think we arrive at your real idea when we get to the end. That last sentence of the essay is very intriguing, and I suggest moving it to the end of the first paragraph.

Then, make sure the first sentence of each body paragraph expresses the main idea of the paragraph in a way that helps support the assertion that the polis represents an idea more than it represents a concrete place.
Feb 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1: happiness scale in married and unmarried couples [2]

This is a very difficult type of essay to write. You have a lot of errors, but even a native English speaker would make some errors when trying to write about a chart like this one. Below, I'll make a few corrections:

... shows the happiness ratings from the children existence of married people.

Overall, it can obviously be seen that married people aged 18-29 has have ...

With regard to the first chart, young married people on in the 18-19 age group ...

....which comes after owning having no children and having children under 18 years old classification , at 43% and 44%, respectively.

For this last sentence, I have a suggestion to improve the style:

It means that married......the biggest happiness. One insight to be gained from this chart is that married people who have children under the age of 18 report experiencing the most happiness.
Feb 25, 2016
Undergraduate / The Importance of Education - UT Prompt; Knowledge is profitable [4]

The first sentence of the essay is a 'truism', so it is not interesting. It's better to start by saying something that will surprise the reader.

In this sentence a word is wrong: Challenges and questions that arise in this progress are overcome by those who value academics above all else. --- questions are not to be overcome, so the sentence should not include that part.

There is a grammar rule called 'number agreement'. If a sentence is plural, keep everything plural:
...allow us to live a more fulfilling life lives.

It has been approximately one hundred years ago that since we invented the automobile.... This is an interesting example. Our knowledge brought us to a better way to travel, but also the emissions from automobiles might be the reason the human race becomes extinct due to consequences of climate change. For that reason, I think you might be able to make this a better essay if you look at both sides of the coin. Knowledge is a double-edged sword. Sometimes it is safer when you do not know something! It's ironic. So, digging a bit deeper maybe you will revise this essay to go a step further and suggest that knowledge is 'profitable', as you mention, but that it also is potentially dangerous.

Here's some insight from the Tao:
Cutting doors and windows into a house, or shaping clay into a cup, it is the empty space that creates usefulness. "Profit comes from what is there; Usefulness from what is not there." : )
Feb 21, 2016
Writing Feedback / Table task 1 about the route of underground railway system [2]

Writing about visual representations might be the most difficult kind of writing, but you did very well with this. It's difficult because the purpose of using a visual representation is to express something that cannot as easily be express with words. It might be good to begin this essay with a sentence to explain what the underground railway is all about. When you talk about continents it's better to say on other continents instead of saying in other continents. At the end, it might be good to add one last sentence as a final thought to wrap up your discussion of the figure. Great job!
Feb 21, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS 2 : what if the industries are moved to rural regions? [2]

This essay is very well written. I think it's important to add one more sentence to the end of the first paragraph, and it should be a sentence that expresses the main idea. I see a very clear point that you make at the end of the essay, where are you note that it is important for facilities to be accessible to the workers. That is a strong part of your argument, and it should appear at the end of the first paragraph.

Right now the first paragraph is rather short, and you can improve the whole essay by extending it with one sentence that makes a very clear point. What is the most important reason for your opinion? Is it the accessibility? Maybe you could list a few important reasons why you hold this opinion and express them in a sentence at the end of the first paragraph so the essay will be very clear.
Feb 21, 2016
Writing Feedback / Will public museums and art galleries disappear due to the rapid development of technology? [4]

However, Unlike public museums

Be careful not to capitalize unnecessarily. : )

At the beginning of this essay you used the term pros and cons incorrectly. When you talk about pros and cons, you are talking about advantages and disadvantages. But at the beginning of this essay you should write, nowadays some people expect that public museums and art galleries will disappear...

Public museums and galleries will be always exist as displaying art objects needs the real place will always be done in person and not just through digital media .

Public museums and galleries will be always exist as displaying and display art objects in real space rather than mere images.

: ) Your writing has great structure, and you just have a few grammar errors.
Feb 21, 2016
Scholarship / Statement of Purpose for Cultural Exchange in Korea - Chungnam National University [2]

And with the experiences, I hope given an opportunity to show what I am capable of archiving achieving.--- Don't start the sentence with 'And'. Instead, do this:

With the experiences I gain, I hope given for an opportunity to show what I am capable of archiving. fulfill my potential.

The quote you used gave me an interesting idea. I think you might enjoy searching google for the D Tao Tw Ching chapter 47. It says the opposite of the St Augustine quote. In your essay maybe you will say you want to do the summer session as part of your way to figure out which one is true. Even if you don't use this idea, you will still have a theme that involves traveling and a comparison of life with a book. So, you should mention that theme again at the end of the essay. Also it will be great if you begin or end one of the paragraphs with another sentence that states specifically what kind of purpose you want to achieve by attending this cultural exchange.
Feb 20, 2016
Undergraduate / 'sensitized to the climate and environment issues' - UIUC Transfer Essay - Motivation [2]

I don't think it's a strong start when you begin by mentioning the documentaries. Watching a documentary is the most superficial way to learn about something. It's great that you saw them, and documentaries are powerful, but they represent the least amount of effort. If you cited some very recent scientific research findings, that would show that you are motivated enough to be looking at the most recent advancements.

The last sentence of the first paragraph is important in any essay. It's where the reader pauses to form an impression of the essay. If there is one sentence you want the reader to remember, put it at the end of that first paragraph. If you really want them to remember it, make it as short as possible. What's your best sentence? : )

To find that sentence, reflect on your plan. You are switching to a new focus in your studies, because you plan to use your degree to make specific contributions in your career. What is the most important reason why the professional you are to become should take his education from this school to which you are transferring? That should be what you express at the end of the first paragraph.

You mention something like that at the end, but you don't specify what resources and faculty members are most important. Maybe one faculty member has written about a concept important to you, or maybe one of the resources this school has is not available at other schools. Maybe it's just the location of the school that is important. That's okay, too, as long as you mentions specifically how this fits into your plan. The secret of writing great essays for admission/transfer is to prove you're one of those rare students who actually have a clear, detailed plan for the future. You don't even need to stick to the plan, and in fact if the plan doesn't change over the years that means you are not learning. But the essay should reflect a detailed, albeit tentative, plan.
Feb 18, 2016
Undergraduate / 'the Father of Modern Lahore' Transfer essay for Georgia Tech - Program of Study [3]

[I'll refer to the original essay instead of the Georgia Tech version]

That first paragraph is an interesting way to begin... I think it's great, and the best way to improve it might be to change the last sentence. If you simply state, "Because of this, I decided to choose civil engineering as my program of study," it's like missing an opportunity to do something very powerful. The reader already is able to figure out that it's what influenced you to choose engineering, so you don't have to explicitly state it. It's better to use that last sentence in the first paragraph to make a poignant, insightful comment. What is the sentence that expresses the main idea of the essay? Can you write it in a way that makes people suddenly realize something about how meaningful it is to be an engineer with an intention to help a lot of people?

When you reflect a while, you might come up with the most effective sentence for the end of that first paragraph. It will dig a bit deeper and express the real meaning, the real goal that drives you. Based on your example involving Sir Ganga Ram, you seem inspired to learn engineering because it will enable you to help a lot of people.

Maybe that means you believe in consequentialist/utilitarian ethics. Here is a challenge for you: What would you say to someone who argues that Sir Ganga Ram's work occurred at a time when circumstances were very different from they are today? How would you answer if they said engineering is not as important now as it was in the past?

When you answer that question, it might give you an insight that will be useful for expressing how your worldview leads you to studying engineering. Also, answering that question might help you come up with a sentence that is perfect for expressing why this school would be better (for you in particular because of your specific intentions) than other schools. You need improvement in that area, because currently your method of expressing that is not sufficient:

able to master topics such as fluid mechanics and strength of materials under one of the most accomplished faculties around the world. I would get the chance to carry .... These are not specific statements, and they could be made about any school. What is the real reason this school is best for you? Is there a professor who wrote a recent article you liked?

You have a nice writing style, and I like the way you used Sir Ganga Ram as an example. In the last paragraph, maybe you can write something about what the modern equivalent of his work would be. What problems can an engineer solve in creative ways? You will be very convincing if you list a few different specific plans you have. Example: Creating more efficient irrigation systems for use in developing nations.

Also, think about excellent accomplishments that have recently been made by engineers, and use those for inspiration while working on the essay. Mentioning recent accomplishments shows that you are already reading about the most recent advancements, which makes you more impressive than other candidates.
Feb 18, 2016
Writing Feedback / "Don't seek happiness where you lost it." TOEFL: Satisfaction of owning something [3]

I think the quote should be: Don't seek happiness where you lost it. ----- That would make more sense. It is also interesting, because it is so ironic. With anything else, it's best to search for it where you lost it. Happiness is different. This is a great theme for the essay.

I think the first paragraph is too short, and it makes you seem to misunderstand the meaning of the quote. You should think of the most important message for the reader to remember. It is the message that is important enough for you to write an essay about it? What is that message? Add a sentence about it at the beginning of the first paragraph.

You should rewrite the first sentence of the paragraph about evolution. It is too simple to say the goal of evolution is to evolve. You can say something that supports the main idea/message of the essay:

Acting in order to find happiness is not being greedy; it is the natural way for human life to unfold.

In conclusion, different from being greedy, it is important to have big ambition and make changes in life.
Feb 18, 2016
Essays / Research topic for MTech thesis - datawarehousing or datamining field [3]

The way to find a good topic is to read some recent articles. That is the key to success, and sometimes I think professors do not tell students about it clearly. Choosing a topic is the best part of writing a research article, because it gives you an opportunity to read some recent articles about the area that interests you. So, maybe you will search google for professional journals that cover computer science topics, and you'll find some of the most recent articles. The articles written most recently are like the comments people just made a moment ago in a conversation about the topic. They represent the best ideas humanity has developed through years of research. A recent article will also have a literature review about the topic, so you can quickly become an expert. Then, you will know all about what has been said in the conversation about datamining, etc., and you can say something to intelligently contribute. A research article is like one comment made in a conversation that takes place among many people.
Feb 18, 2016
Writing Feedback / 'Ecosystem has a balance between predators and preys' GRE ISSUE on protecting endangered species [4]

You began the essay with a statement-of-the obvious, and that might make the reader stop paying attention:
Ecosystem has a balance between predators and preys. ----It might be better to put this sentence in the middle instead of at the beginning.

Every species that are present on planet Earth serves a purpose. ---This is a good sentence to use at the start of the essay. It's more interesting.

Protecting species endangered by human activity is not only a moral obligation but also now it has become a need of society to work upon their ill will a necessity. In recent times there has have been several incidents ...

One of the major causes of this....plants may contain herbs to cure deadly disease.---- When I read this paragraph, I don't see how you connect it to your argument. I think you will improve this essay a lot if you add a sentence to the beginning of each paragraph. Read each paragraph, and type a sentence that explains why the information in the paragraph helps prove your argument is correct. Add a sentence like that to the beginning of each body paragraph.

Some may argue about survival of the fittest theory, that only the fit may --- You are smart to include a part where you 'refute the counterargument' but after you do that you should have one more paragraph to serve as the conclusion, where you reiterate your main idea.
Feb 18, 2016
Writing Feedback / Tour guides travel - places full of people and time limitations [2]

..development of people's perceptions about traveling.

Just in As recently as 2015, there were millions of visitors were going to foreign ... Your sentence was written correctly, but I made this suggestion to improve the reader's experience of it.

... are so well-known that they are always filled with a tremendous amount of tourists.

As a result, tour guides will get feedbacks feedback from shopping malls ...--- The word feedback is like the word 'water'. It does not need to be made plural.

I'll also restructure the last sentence for a better style:
In conclusion, I believe that travel with a group of people led by a tour guide, which will bring tourists problems of crowds, time limitations and unwilling purchasing, is not the best way to...

You have excellent structure in your writing!
Feb 18, 2016
Graduate / This changed my perspective of medical care- why you chose public health. [2]

You are less likely to make mistakes if you use shorter sentences.

Pursuing a Masters of Public Health is my step to gain that education towards the next step in my trek toward a goal to work opportunities with renowned ...

... enable me to benefit the global population at large in times where at a time when, according to WHO ...

As Being a dental surgeon, I realized... ---This sentence is great. It conveys a lot of your intelligence and experience.

As a consequence dental checkups are mostly reactive rather than preventive and marginalized ...

I chose a medical career because ...

"Zeal" is an unusual word, and I've never seen anyone use it. There's nothing wrong with it, really, but I think you should use 'enthusiasm instead because it is just so strange to see the word zeal.

I witnessed patients with traumatic injuries, disabilities and severe infections - many a times with, often with unknown cause and limited accessibility to..

These grim situations expanded my world view and steeled my decision to become a public health worker. ---- This sentence is short, and it's excellent. It hits the reader hard because it is not too long and it shows your insight.

With academic knowledge and practical training, I hankering aspire to start my own volunteer organization --- 'hankering'... it's another word like zeal. Don't use those words, because they sound silly, even though you use them correctly. This essay is great, and I think it will impress all readers. You're an impressive person, both in your accomplishments and in your inclination toward benefiting people.
Feb 18, 2016
Graduate / This is the first draft of my SOP for Master of Environmental Engineering [2]

Hello, try to find places where you have words that do not help achieve the goal. What is the goal for the essay?

I think your goal is to surprise the reader with a unique experience. The goal is not just to show that you can write with proper grammar. In fact, proper grammar is not even the most important thing. Give the reader an experience by using imagery words and action verbs.

Here is a way to streamline the writing:

Climate change and Global warming is one of the problems which inspiring me to study in environmental science. -----Take out unnecessary words. The sentence still carries the same meaning with fewer words.

I would like to know the cause of problem and find the technology to decrease the pollutions pollution for sustainable life.----- Use shorter sentences. Like the famous writer Emerson, you can have powerful English with short sentences. Long sentences detract from the reader's experience.

I graduated from Chulalongkorn University with a Bachelor's of Science (Environmental Science) degree in June 2015.

There are two reasons why I believe --- I like the way you wrote this sentence!!

During my forth fourth year ...

I look forward to join joining your department as a graduate student.
Feb 16, 2016
Graduate / 'I was never a computer savvy' - SOP TO GET ADMISSION in A MASTERS' of DATA SCIENCES PROGRAM [6]

I like your informal writing style, and I think some readers at admission offices will also appreciate it.

Put a $ sign in front of the amount: $2.

Use 'number agreement' in each sentence:

Later, most schools had a computer room computer rooms and ..
...our parents were working class people with no high school educations

I moved to Ukraine to study economics for my bachelor's degree and bought my first computer with the money I made working in restaurants.---------There is something great about the simplicity of this sentence and its implications about how much you appreciate computers and how hard you worked to learn.

Public policy is a subject I am really passionate about. This sentence is not very strong, because it is an unsubstantiated claim. It's better to show people your interest by discussing issues in public policy which you think are important.

As an African man I look forward to a century where data sciences can be used in order to make better policy both in the private and public sector. --- This sentence has potential to be great, but it's important to connect the end of the sentence to the beginning. Show what an identity as 'African' has to do with that interest.

What if you had to express the main idea of this essay in a single sentence? What would you type if you could only use one sentence to express your purpose? This essay needs a sentence like that. It is too much of a story, and the reader wonders about your real purpose. I think the purpose is not to have a particular degree or be in a particular profession -- but instead, to make a specific difference in the world.

: )
Jan 30, 2016
Undergraduate / A holistic education is best for me - USC Transfer essay #1 [5]

my opening sentence isn't very catching but, I'm unsure of how to fix it.

That's an important question, and maybe more important than the rest of the essay. First impressions and all. : ) What is it that makes a first sentence catching? I look at other great pieces of writing for inspiration, examples, and Ideas. If you look at a few famous pieces of writing you might get a great idea. I think it's important to surprise the reader with something unexpected.

Well, your writing style is very nice... I'll nitpick as you requested:

How do you feel about the word 'occurrences'? That's four syllables, so it's big and fat and inefficient. Nothing about the word carries enough emotion, imagery, or action to counterbalance all those syllables. I guess I'm prejudiced against words with a poor ratio of punch to syllables.

The last sentence of the first paragraph makes it sound like you don't yet know what change you need.

I think your goal is not to become a civil rights lawyer. I think that is a means to an end, and the real goal is: public outreach and advocacy for reforms in compulsory education. This is general and vague, so it makes you seem like your vision of the future is general and vague. I challenge you to show the reader a picture of the future.... specific things you'd like to do. And a picture of the present -- things happening now that you wish you could influence. Get some solid content for the essay by looking at current events and seeing what is more important to you, the reason for wanting to choose this profession. A big part of your essay should be using action verbs and imagery words to show the reader a picture of the present and the future, what you want to do. Another big part is to show them why the specific attributes of USC are going to make you more effective and better prepared for what you want to do.

The purpose of holistic medicine is to attend to function by meeting all challenges with awareness that everything is affected by everything else. The purpose of a holistic education is also about function. The essay might be better with some great examples of current events that relate to the values that drive you to study law and contribute to reform. But if you claim to want that, it's good to focus more on current and future events that pertain to the values that underlie your ideas for reform, or your enthusiasm for making a difference this way.

: )
Jan 28, 2016
Undergraduate / TAMK UAS - I want to become an Energy & Environmental [6]

In every sentence keep the verb tense the same. In some sentences it is okay to use two tenses, but while you practice you can keep them the same.

When I was small, I have was interested in natural phenomenon phenomena such as the origin of electricity, desertification or environmental pollution. My teacher once suggested me that I should learn engineering. However, since I thought engineering is was...

Begin When I was beginning a new life as a high school student, my mother always asked me about what subjects I liked to study in university or what jobs I like wanted to do in my future career.

One day I unexpectedly slipped I one page of a newspaper and read that a farmer invented a new source of energy from sesame.

Here is a good example of what I mentioned above. The way you used two different verb tenses really is not incorrect, but if you keep verb tenses the same your sentences will have a nice style of writing.

People complimented him on the first page but it seems seemed no further action was taken.

I asked my mother the reason why they did not bring this achievement into industrial production. --- This is a great sentence.

I am not only going to Finland for -- This is another great sentence.

It will provide me with a solid start in life to so I will be able to reach the final frontier of becoming a Environmental Engineer.--- That's not the final frontier; it's the beginning! Good luck in college. : )
Jan 9, 2016
Research Papers / It's Time to Abolish Capital Punishment - research essay / English 102 [3]

You made a great argument! I notice that you did not include a thesis statement at the end of the first paragraph, and I think you can improve your writing if you begin to use this method. Put a sentence at the end of the first paragraph to tell the reader the main idea of the essay. When you do that, it makes it easy for the reader to focus on the message you are sending and appreciate the logic of your argument.

You already did a good job of starting each paragraph with a paragraph-topic-sentence. One paragraph is about the religious argument against capital punishment, and another is about the fact that it is irreversible, and another is about the fact that it is like torture, and so on. Some people list all their points in the thesis sentence at the end of the first paragraph. The sentence at the end of the first paragraph is like a 'microcosm' of the whole essay.

I like justivy's idea of throwing in some citations. You used a direct quote between "" marks, so it should also have a page number.

Continuing practicing the practice of capital punishment proves the United States is inhumane, that the United States still follows an outdated practice, and that the United States obtains shows no concern for the message capital punishment is providing to our children. ---- I made some improvements to this sentence, and I think it would be a good sentence to add to the end of the first paragraph. This sentence makes a powerful impact on the reader and establishes the main argument of the paper.
Jan 1, 2016
Undergraduate / NORTHWESTERN SUPPLEMENT--McCormick Integrated Degree, Design for America [3]

You have a great writing style, so the essay is difficult to criticize. I have a suggestion, though - the first paragraph doesn't seem as strong as the rest of the essay, and maybe you can improve the whole essay by changing that paragraph. I don't like the rhythm of the first sentence, and I don't like suggesting that you had resolved yourself to diminishing your interest in art. But I can't find anything else to criticize, this essay is written very well! About those two suggestions, here's what I mean:

The first sentence begins with a pause right away - Before discovering Northwestern, ...- and it takes some power out of the essay. It helps if the first sentence is steady and strong.

Right now the focus of that first paragraph is on the fact that the school's blend of technology and design perfectly fits your interests in engineering and art, and it solves a problem. This current version presents a multidisciplinary interest as a problem to be solved, but you don't have to begin by presenting a problem (i.e. bane); instead, you can establish any theme at all for this essay.

It's possible to make the whole essay more meaningful and poignant if you us that first paragraph as an opportunity to add a new dimension to the essay. If the school's integrated program is solving a problem, you're reacting. But if you're acting, you're using this program as a means to an end. So maybe you can share your vision for the future in that first paragraph. : )
Dec 29, 2015
Graduate / 'I had just landed in Berlin, alone and unprepared' For HBS - Introduce Yourself. [11]

I think it's great to tell a story, but before telling the story it's a good idea to respond directly to the prompt by introducing yourself in the way they expect. People who read these essays often look to see if the prompt is answered directly, because they feel a sense of responsibility to use a methodical approach to deciding which applicants to favor and which not to favor... and they sometimes might automatically choose not to favor someone who SEEMS to misunderstand the prompt. I know you understand it, and your writing is inspired, but it's best if you cordially introduce yourself in the first few sentences and then transition naturally into telling the story.

If you introduce yourself and then give a poignant, memorable sentence to express an idea that the reader can associated with you -- that will establish a great introduction, and when you tell the story the whole story will support and reinforce that main idea you introduced to the reader.

As I read the last paragraph, I think it is a VERY strong introduction. It's clear and interesting, and... I recommend moving it to the top so it can be part of the way you initially introduce yourself. If you do that, I think this will be a very impressive response. The trouble is when you immediately start with a story. The story is okay, but let it come later, after this introduction. My best advice is to move that last paragraph up to the top and revise the essay so that the story is given as a way to elaborate and explain the main idea you're sharing.
Dec 21, 2015
Undergraduate / "I dont want to do anything in my life but draw" SCAD statement of purpose. [5]

If you don't want to do anything in your life but draw, maybe that means you think of EVERYTHING in life (metaphorically) as drawing. My own art is writing, and in my work/family/social life I always think of it as writing. I always try to make the decision that will bring about the best story, even if it is a bit reckless. Ultimately, a life is really a story. But that is because I'm a verbal/auditory thinker. Maybe you are a visual thinker, and to you life is a series of sketches, moment after moment. If you 'don't want to do anything in life except dray' it's probably important to extend the meaning of that assertion and use the concept of drawing as a metaphor for living a full life.

Here is a famous expression I read somewhere: "The full life is painted with broad brush strokes."

: )

...as much information as I possibly can in a timely manner ----- You could change this sentence to it omits the 'timely manner' part (because it's not helpful) and replace it with a list of 2 or 3 very specific subjects or skills you want to learn. In this regard, I think and important word is 'quirky'. It's hard to define, but you can google it. Recently I began to think a lot about that concept. If you are extremely interested in a particular kind of art, it seems random and quirky. It intrigues the reader.

show a definite career path and a sense of how you plan to do that.--- This is great advice! I always remember the writing strategy called 'show, don't tell!' and I think the most important place to use it is in an essay like this. The object of the game is to 'show' the reader that you are the type of student s/he favors when reading these essays. How does the reviewer determine who to favor? In some research studies, an important concept that emerged is 'likability'... and that is not very encouraging, because it shows that the reviewers favor the people who they tend to 'like' instead of the people who are most deserving. But there is another characteristic that makes reviewers want to favor you: drive/determination.

Whenever a young, teenage character on a film is portrayed as someone with drive/determination, the filmmakers do it by showing that the youth is engaged in many projects aligned with her/his interests. So, while other teens are out playing games, the driven character is at home working alone on a project related to her/his interests. It inspires the audience. Everyone can relate to it if you describe a time of real inspiration, when you worked alone toward a goal that you found exciting.

I believe that having to be self-taught instilled in me a certain kind of determination, focus, and drive that will surely be of great use to me in my time at SCAD. ----- The words 'I believe' are overused in essays like this. If you believe it, you can be bold and state it as a fact. That's what I do. Sometimes it might make people think I am presumptuous or closed-minded, but it still makes the writing more interesting.

More importantly, this (above) is an example of 'telling' instead of 'showing'. You can replace this whole sentence with one that is about specific kinds of art study you're undertaking. Example: You might have a hero, a particular artist whose work you love.
Dec 14, 2015
Undergraduate / In addition to the generally known facts, what fascinates you the most in Georgia Tech? [4]

Hello, you have a nice writing style. I think you'll do very well when you have a final draft of the paper, because your sincerity is reflected in the writing. However, I think you can replace the whole first paragraph because it does not make any useful statement. Telling them their institution is prestigious is not helpful, and repeating ideas from the brochure about diversity or excellent faculty -- it may cause the reader to believe you don't really have a clear plan for what you want to do.

I think you should keep the concept of scientific curiosity, and build on that. Even seeing the word curiosity makes the reader feel a sense of curiosity Moreover, if you give some examples of books you are reading or scientific topics you are exploring, it will PROVE to the reader that you are inspired with this curiosity.

After you give your examples of what you are doing right now, in the past few weeks, currently... you can move on to talk about this part which I also like:

What really fascinates me is the Invention Studio, which opens new horizons for students to turn their ideas and creativity into reality, regardless of their year, major, or prior experience. Do not tell them what it is, because they know already. It takes up words you could be using to prove something to them. Prove your inspiration/curiosity by telling the reader how you will use this resource as part of your ongoing effort to accomplish something that interests you right now. : )
Dec 1, 2015
Undergraduate / Building a bridge from my visions to my reality - Claremont McKenna Short Essay Question [3]

This is some impressive feedback from justivy. I'll share a few thoughts, too. Usually, it is a great practice to eliminate modifiers (adjectives and especially adverbs). In your first sentence you have modifiers I would be inclined to delete. But as I continue reading, the next few sentences achieve some kind of great rhythm and the modifiers seem to add intensity in an unusual way. I like your writing style. Despite that, I think some time you should look at what Strunk and White have to say about limiting the use of modifiers. You might improve your writing a lot if you experiment with avoiding them.

Also, your last sentence says passion, the same as the first sentence. I think it over-emphasizes the *claim* that you have passion for entrepreneurship. Here is my best suggestion: add a sentence about a business you have already experimented with starting. Any endeavor will suffice. The point is to show that you are truly driven -- and if you are truly driven you will already be trying to plan an entrepreneurial project. If you mention one, the reader will conclude for herself that you really are especially driven and deserve an opportunity.
Dec 1, 2015
Undergraduate / The Beauty of Equality, my religious pilgrimage to Saudi Arabia (Personal Statement for UW) [3]

Two summers ago, I traveled with my family from rainy Washington to the...

My experience in Mecca is a defining moment in my life, because the ...

... blistering sun rays from the almost unbearable desert heat, blur my vision. --- I think this sentence is better without that phrase. Even though it's great writing with the phrase included,

In just a couple hundred yards, I will get got my first physical glimpse at the Kaaba, the sacred cuboid building. Before entering the mosque, I donned the ihram, the universal pilgrimage clothing consisting of two white sheets of cloth. I secure secured ... --- I see that you use past tense, present tense, and future tense. You seem to be doing it in a poetic way to draw the reader into the experience, and that is great. However, one of the principles of style, according to Strunk and White, is to keep the tense the same. In an academic essay, it's probably best to use the past tense in a case like this, so I changed it all to past tense.

Suddenly, the structure toward which I pray towards emerges like...

THIS is a great sentence... ---- I ponder about the possibility of a king praying next to a peasant, in ihram, without the world knowing. There's no need for the word 'about' here. The word ponder can be used on it's own, and it's better by itself. And this is my favorite sentence in the essay. : ) I think you should find a creative way to move it closer to the top so the reader sees it sooner, and it will raise questions in the reader's mind.

Prior to this trip, I had naively held the notion that followers of the Islamic faith are were exclusively from counties ...

My preconceived belief is was immediately ...

using a holistic perspective. ---- I can't decide whether I think the word 'holistic' is good to use here. It might be better to replace it with another word. Really, I think it might be the best word to use, but it still might confuse the reader. In my opinion, that last sentence is better without this phrase:

...taught me to comprehend diverse cultures. in Islam and around the worl d., using a holistic perspective.
But now I feel like something is missing at the end! Well, it is a great essay already, even without using my suggestions. You can decide what you'd like to do with that last sentence; I do like the word holistic there, but I think if you use the phrase 'holistic perspective' it's important to add another sentence to explain what you mean.

HOLISTIC: the components are closely interconnected and can only be explained in terms of their relationship to the whole.
Oct 12, 2015
Writing Feedback / Pathos, logos, ethos related to the article "A good man in Rwanda" [3]

When you see that you wrote a really long sentence, it's good to think about some words that might not be necessary. Here's an example:

In the article, " A Good Man in Rwanda" for Doyle who lived those successive events in Rwanda, he could successfully convince and paint a picture in readers' minds for the heroic role of Diagne not only emotionally, but also logically and through his credibility as a witness.

This has a mistake, and you write well so I bet you can already see it! There are a a few different ways you could correct it. The best way to correct it might be to split it into two sentences in whatever way you like.

And how about the use of these two concepts together - 'paint a picture', and 'convince' ... are they both necessary? If so, then maybe convince should be changed to 'persuade'... even though it is already correct, I think persuade is a little more precise and precision = powerful writing.

But sometimes we look to improve precision by using too many modifiers. And sometimes we use too many modifiers just because we got into that rhythmic state of mind where the best writing happens, and an extraneous word is included just to keep a beat, like a drum. I think that's what happened here:

he could successfully convince and paint a picture in
The word successfully is rhythmic, but the sentence still has nice rhythm now if we cut that word out:
he could successfully convince and paint a picture in ... --- Using that word is not helpful, because 'successfully' is implied in the meaning of the sentence. That turned out to be a great example for consideration! I'm glad you posted the essay here.

HEY, I notice that when you cover 'ethos' in the essay you do not mention that you are doing the part of analysis that pertains to ethos. You called it trust. The teacher will know what you mean, but since this is a rhetorical analysis it's good to mention the term in the paragraph where you're analyzing it.

I suggest looking at each of these paragraphs (2-5) and asking yourself what is the main message expressed in the paragraph. You organized it based on logos, ethos, and pathos, but you can also add paragraph topic sentences. Let each paragraph begin with a sentence that expresses what idea is being expressed in the paragraph to support the main idea of the essay. To me, it seems that the main message of the essay is basically that he:

Persuaded readers effectively, ' not only emotionally, but also logically and through his credibility as a witness.' This shows you understand the elements or rhetoric, but now you can also reflect on the whole essay and ask yourself if you can think of one WORD or PHRASE that really captures the message that makes the essay unique. What unique point of view would you share if you were talking with a group of people who already understand the elements of rhetoric? You can go a step further and say something about your own unique observation, or a thought that arises in your mind when you think about Doyle's work. When an essay has a theme, it's really memorable and interesting.
Sep 15, 2015
Undergraduate / Extracurricular Essay Public Forum Debate {Common App} [3]

I recognize this kind of writing.. you get into a cool state of mind when you write, I think. It's good that you know how to get into that rhythm, dancing out sentences.

one o'clock in the morning, despite --- Almost lost me for a moment because I didn't know how to read 'one'...

Try this to see if you like the same kind of brevity I like: Topic briefs litter my space and multiple forests have been killed in my speech editing. ---- Even when the modifier is a great word like multiple (some words have a funky, fun sound - multiple)... even when the modifier is a great word, I always find that the sentence packs a harder punch without it. Modifiers weaken sentences. Kill them when you can, lol. Or keep it in there, it's a great sentence as it is. I just want to share that idea of killing modifiers (especially adverbs, they are even worse). You're already a great writer so you might enjoy experimenting with killing those modifiers.

...because "i Isn't there some sort of limit on how many times one can wear a suit? " To those people I say... probably; nevertheless, debate--- great sentence at the end!

Hey, how about changing that semi-colon to a period and starting a new sentence. It's great if you end the sentence with 'probably' because it enhances the abrupt feeling you give by suddenly saying that, lol, the irony of agreeing when the reader expects you to disagree.
Aug 20, 2015
Scholarship / How can companies improve current programs or develop new programs in order to promote flexibility? [5]

I think you should not begin the essay with a 'statement of the obvious' because it might make the reader lose interest. Can you think of a sentence to put at the beginning of the essay that expresses the unique/interesting main idea?

Womanhood is a period of a during the lifetime of a female after she passes through childhood, adolescences adolescence, and adulthood. --- This is too obvious, and it makes the essay uninteresting at the start.

... women's participation has increased such shifts are affecting worker needs. --- This seems like a reference to a statistic. What is it that you are saying here? Are you saying it is increasingly important to attend to the needs of female workers to keep them motivated?

...and the current workplace paradigm is placing growing stress on individuals and families. -- great sentence!

In the Old Testament, when God created Adam. Adam was lonely and looking for love. ----- I think you should change the period into a comma, so the sentence is grammatically correct.

"The Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."--- This biblical reference suggests that women should be helpers for men, but women have proven that they are capable of being leaders among men. It might be better to cite statistics about leadership that show women to have the strengths typically associated with male leadership as well as the strengths typically associated with female leadership (Emmerik et al, 2008).

Emmerik, H., Euwema, M., and Wendt, H. (2008). Leadership behaviors around the world. International Journal of Cross-Cultural Management, 8, 3, 297-315.

In my opinion, Women women are Gods God's beautiful creation creations, and we were raised to feel comfortable ...

The essay ends with a quotation. You should probably end the essay with a sentence that helps to express the main idea. Also, go back to the beginning and take out the part about womanhood coming after adolescence. It is better to begin by stating the most interesting insight you're sharing in the essay. What is the most interesting insight you're sharing?

: )
Aug 15, 2015
Undergraduate / "Traveling outgrows its motives..." Dreams of wondering / Semester at Sea [4]

...an immersion of cultures ..--- Immersion does not fit here. You could use: "blend'

blend of cultures through dancing, each one of them very distinctive from the others. that Surprisingly, over the years, some of them fuse together and created something unique, original and creative, and this it taught me that cultures can cross borders. and It awoke my curiosity to meet everything that consist our world. experience everything of which the world consists.

Living in a small community like Acapulco made me grow up in a constantly changing environment. -- This is a great sentence. End it right here. Then, start a new sentence: At the beginning, the streets were full of music, color and people, but now it is a different story. --- instead of saying 'beginning' you can say exactly when it was. Was it during the 1990s? What time period are you discussing?

At being tudent who is passionate about history...

... knowledge and life lessons that will make an impact, and Semester at Sea is the answer fulfillment of those dreams.

: )
Aug 15, 2015
Undergraduate / A woman in Computer Sciences. University of Washington Transfer Statement: "Aim for Diversity." [4]

chin propped up in my hands, a patient spectator to the sport of my father's frustration.

Wow, excellent writing here... I like the end of this sentence. I wish the rest of the sentence was shorter so this great ending would be more prominent. Like this:

It's eleven years ago, and I'm splayed out on my stomach, legs kicking in the air as I keep my chin propped up in my hands, a patient spectator to the sport of my father's frustration. --- No need to say it was 11 years ago. Readers like to figure some stuff out on their own.

..a bond between my father and I. and me.

Okay, you need 100 more words, and I want to ask you about the ideas you are expressing in the essay. This should have one main idea expressed at the END of the first paragraph, and then it should have 5 other ideas. Each of the 5 other ideas should support the main idea. So... at the end of the first paragraph you can tell the reader the most interesting concept: How you realized that cultural expectations based on gender had caused you to dismiss the idea of learning computer science, and one day you realized that there was no good reason to dismiss it. This makes the essay interesting. So, express that at the end of the first paragraph.

Then, the remaining 5 paragraphs each can begin with a paragraph 'topic' sentence that tells the main idea of the paragraph. Each paragraph can continue the story, or say something about that main idea: realizing that you can study comp. sci even as a girl!

Good luck! : )