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Posts by ah_zafari [Contributor]
Joined: Apr 7, 2012
Last Post: Oct 25, 2017
Threads: 40
Posts: 672  
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From: Australia

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ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Oct 22, 2017
Student Talk / The aim of life [56]

Thanks for the advice. I opened this thread long time ago. Everything has changed now and life is pretty much great as I have whatever I wanted to achieve. I just read my very first comments, and they actually made me lol. Time heals all wounds :))

However, the question I asked is still a fair question. It is a philosophical question which can have different answers, depending on how we fact it.
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Oct 21, 2017
Writing Feedback / [task 1] bar chart writing - where people live in the Northwest region [7]

I totally understand and it's perfectly fine. I just did not like the Holt's comment. It was quite offensive. Here is a public froum, and anyone has a right to post his/her comments. In any case, do not worry, you won't see my comments again.

Good luck
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Oct 21, 2017
Writing Feedback / [task 1] bar chart writing - where people live in the Northwest region [7]

@Holt: First, I am not able to visit this forum frequently and I may even disappear for another a few years until I put comments here again, so if you have been working with this author for a while, just go ahead and ignore all my comments. Second, we should remind ourselves that here is a forum and people may have different opinions and writing styles. Those who post their works here can go through different comments and pick the tips they need. To be honest I did not like this comment. You cannot ask other people to stop posting their comments because they may be different from yours. This does not confuse the author. It just shows her that there are other ways of writing. As I said, that's all about the authors to make the final decision what to pick and what to ignore.

To make the decision easy for LadyOfClockwork, I will do it for her and will not post any messages under her threads anymore. Best of luck with your IELTS test.
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Oct 20, 2017
Writing Feedback / [task1] map writing: the evolution of a villege [4]

AThe maps is presented for analysis of illustrate how the village ...
... be found between during this period of time1995 and this year which will be detailed as follows. They will be summarized ...

..., along which facilities(infrastructures is a better word in my opinion) were and are built.

... the road froming a series of shops.

(This paragraph lists what it is in the map, without any transitions and comparisons. Using comparative sentences in such tasks is a key for achieving a good mark. If I were you I would classify different parts of the village into different sites: seaside, greenfield, and residential areas, then I would compare them in the two times given: 1995 and present)
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Oct 19, 2017
Writing Feedback / The official forbiddance of smoking in public places - IELTS writing practice task 2 academic [5]

restriction of freedom of action

reword this. For example: "...limits freedom"

I will be presenting information that will help to support my opinion

it is always a good idea to write a blueprint. Just, in a few words, mention the reasons why you have this particular opinion. This way you can connect the introduction to the body and the reader will know what he/she is going to read.

the public areaplaces

such as bars and restaurants

these are not private places? are they?

as these places are privately managed by its executives

No, this sentence is irrational. You cannot name such places as "private" places. They are private businesses, but still public.

managed by its theirexecutives

Good job.
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Sep 18, 2015
Scholarship / A statement for Melbourne Abroad Travel Scholarships [3]

Please provide a statement (of more than 500 words) outlining how the conference will benefit your research.

Since 2007 that I conducted my first research project as a final year undergraduate student in my home country, XXX, I have had no doubt that research is what I have always wanted to do as my profession. What I learned through these years was that writing and public speaking skills are two essential tools in the hands of a researcher for sharing his ideas with his colleagues and expanding his professional network from a small research group to thousands of people all across the world. To obtain these skills I published several full research papers in the best journals of my field of study and gave presentations in some XXX symposiums and conferences. However, I have never had a chance to attend an international conference. Hence, I am deciding to attend the TMS Annual Meeting & Exhibition 2016, which is held in the US every year where more than 4,000 business leaders, engineers, scientists, and students from around the world in the fields of minerals, metals, and materials are brought together.

Giving presentation is an inseparable part of today's research world, since it is a powerful method through which you can advertise your new scientific and industrial findings, draw the attention of people in the same field and eventually sell your new ideas. To meet this end, a platform where people can share their new ideas with a broad range of people, from young students to academics to professionals, and public speaking skills are essential. I believe that the TMS Meeting provides me with such a platform and it is a great opportunity for me to bring up my skills of giving speeches. As a young researcher, I am at a stage of my career that I need to practice and gain experience to gradually strengthen my communication skills. As such, attending well-known, international events like TMS is the first step that I need to take in this path.

Networking and exchanging knowledge are two other crucial aims of attending a conference. TMS includes a symposium called Ultrafine Grained Materials, which is in my immediate field of study. This symposium will help me to be known in academic circles by introducing my work to people with the same interests and expertise. Furthermore, many prominent scientists present their recent findings in this symposium every year, not only giving me a chance to learn from their presentations and improve my knowledge about my field, but also see them and have a short chat after their talks. This can be a beginning for future collaborations between me and these people. Besides, networking is critical to find an academic job. Although scientific records of applicants are viewed as the deciding criteria for giving a job vacancy to a candidate, among people with similar resumes, the one who is already known by selection committee members is hired.

Melbourne Abroad Travel Scholarships for Engineering & IT (MATS) financially aids PhD students to attend conferences and provides them a chance to develop their communication skills and networks. I hope to be one of those students awarded a scholarship and it is with great appreciation that I submit this application for your consideration (526 words).
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jul 21, 2015
Writing Feedback / An Analytical Essay on the Impacts of Bots on the Economy of Runescape [4]

is this supposed to be an academic text? If yes, you should avoid using informal language like

Don't be too quick to judge those who run this kind of software though. Lets begin our analysis first.

.
.
.

What are the impacts of bots on the world's most popular MMORPG's economy known as Runescape and are they negative?

I understand that you wanted to ask a question as a motivator, but be careful, opening the introduction with a question is tricky and you need to be a professional writer to do it perfectly. So, I would suggest to start the introduction with some general information.

You need to make the aims of the essay clear by adding a blueprint to the essay.

What are the effects of this black hole I speak of?

I personally prefer a text which gives me all the necessary information not making me think about what the writer is willing to convey. Asking question at the beginning of each body paragraph brings the same situation to me. So, you might want to revise the topic sentence.

hope this helps.
Cheers,
Ahmad
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jul 18, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay: The advantages and disadvantages of living in big cities. [3]

In conclusion, although some people think living in big cities causes a great deal of drawbacks, I strongly restate that this tendency creates many advantages. conclusion is too short. Reword the thesis first, then give your opinion and finally close it with a clincher/ending statement)

I would give this essay a 6.5; very close to 7 though. There are some problems with the structures of introduction, conclusion, and body paragraphs, as well as, transitions which may block band 7. There were some minor grammar errors and misuses of words, but in my opinion organization and structure of an essay are much much more important than vocab and grammar for securing band 7. If you improve the issues mentioned above, I think you can get a 7 (or even higher) in writing without any problem

Hope this helps.
Cheers,
Ahmad
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jul 18, 2015
Student Talk / The aim of life [56]

bertojuergen
lcturn87

Thanks for your beautiful comments. When I opened this thread, I was in deep depression, so I saw no reason for being a part of this world. I thought I would be in peace if my life was over. I can't agree more with you two. Life is beautiful if we try to see its beauty. Perhaps, its beauty is what Lakia said

the ability to love and be loved

. I would like to add something else to it. My attitude towards the world has been changed now, and I believe we are all blessed to be here and experience life as human beings. Life is comparable to a movie, and we are actors and actresses. Each of us plays his/her own role, making a contribution to the world. Some people choose to play constructive roles in the world, some others destructive ones. We should direct our goals towards building a better world.

"life is the single stage of our art
everybody sings his/her own song and leaves the stage
stage is always on
good for that song which stays in people's memory for ever"
Poet: Jaleh Esfahani (an Iranian poet and political activist)
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
May 9, 2015
Writing Feedback / Is TV a good thing for keeping people informed and entertained? [3]

Hi, I need to know what score I will be given, If I write an essay like what I've posted below in a real test. So, I would be more than happy if only specialists have a look at the essay and give their expert views on the work. I don't need any corrections, as I already know about the grammar errors. What I need is to find out at what level I am standing. I was wondering if you would kindly mark the essay out of 9. Thanks in advance for your help.

Topic: Television is a good thing, because it gives people enjoyment and keeps them informed as well. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Television is viewed as a tool which has profoundly influenced many facets of everyone's life, since early 20th century when it was introduced to the world. Today, TV plays an important role in distributing news all around the world, as well as, entertaining people. Some people are of the opinion that the invention of television has positively affected the media industries and individuals' life. From my point of view, however, TV feeds negative issues to society, and it cannot be considered as a good set anymore.

Nowadays television acts more as a powerful propaganda machine in the hands of governments worldwide. If we focus on the news presented in the western and Islamic media, we will realize that both groups try to manipulate public opinion unfairly. Fox News, for instance, exposes people, especially American citizens, to anti-Islamic news 24/7 in order to introduce Muslims as threats to the US society. On the other hand, many Islamic TV channels work hard every day to prove that the western culture is an evil culture and it jeopardizes Muslims' community in terms of faith and morality. In addition, the latter group think western countries, on the top of them the US, are responsible for the wars we are witnessing in the Middle East these days. In other words, not only TV does not provide people with honest, true news, but also it produces hatred among different communities, as we can see this phenomenon between Muslims and non-Muslims.

At present, we cannot count television as an entertaining device, because it is a tool more for advertising. A brief look at everyday TV programs reveals that the portion of advertising time is much greater than that of shows time. Bombarding audience with a wide range of promotions can bring lots of drawbacks to a society. One main problem is what is called "narcissistic wounding", which means people, especially youngsters, think they are inferior to others if they do not have a mass array of products. This thought leads the society towards a society where materialistic opinions are norms and values.

In conclusion, even though television was first invented as a device for entertaining and distributing news, I believe it has lost its main aims nowadays. In my opinion it is a tool for propaganda and promotion, which both adversely impact our world. If we want to construct a more beautiful world, we need to use such a facility more optimally and fight on its negative effects (412 words).
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
May 2, 2015
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: A/G It is better to do work by machine than by hand. [4]

Hi Kim, I'm good. Thanks for offering me a help.

Machines proves to be much more optimal in working than by handhumans, because itthey surpasses manual labor in speed, accuracy, and quantity.

The invention of the machines was indeed a great invention (two invention in a row? not a good start. The topic sentence should include your precise idea. It needs to tell the reader what the paragraph about.) . Possessing the capability to perfectly operate in a fixed timing and pace, the machineshavebecamebecome the ideal gadget in factories, replacing impassionate??? workers who often failedfail to meet their quotas. The mM achines are faster, cheaper, and easy tooperate, overcoming all the obstacles that made manual labor difficult to control and manage. Perhaps the greatest characteristic machines have that surpassesthat has made them superior to human is the ability not to make any mistakes. With its precise accuracy and calculated movements, there is no human that could par to the perfection machines reach during work. The typewriter is thea perfect example. Not a single human can write asymmetrically, writers are bound to accidently misspell a word, forget a comma, or even spill some ink. The typewriter has the ability to write in perfect symmetrical lines, correct fresh mistakes, and even adjust the place if the writer forgot to add a word. As anyone can see, machines surpass every human weaknesses which is why I assert work could be done much more efficiently than my hand (redundancy is still seen in your work. You do not need to repeat yourself over and over using different words. One topic sentence, one strong supporting sentence (an example), and one concluding sentence are enough) .

On the contraryMoreover , if work is done by handmanually , many companies will have trouble to meet their quota on supply and demand. With the era of internetonline shopping, international shipping, and media advertisements, demand is practically everywhere and unpredictable. If all work is done by hand,repetition the amount of work to be done manually would be next to impossible to supply the incessant demands coming from all over the worldredundant . People would have to work literally all day and night, just to reach their daily goal just before the next day begins. Stress and exhaustion will dominate the workers, completely obliterating the work moral which will additionally hinder the company's progress. For example, various clothes companies like GAP and Banana Republic used to produce their products through manual processesby hand . However, as their reputation rose in the US domestically and internationally, their demands skyrocketed to the point they had to open factories completely based on machines and operators to meet up to everyone's expectations. As a result, their patrons were satisfied and were impressed by their mass productions that they are now herald as one of the most reliable clothing companies. Therefore, machines can allow companies to reachrepetition their quotasrepetition ' faster and more efficiently compared to work done by handrepetition .

Despite the fact we created machines, we cannot deny the fact machines are far more superior in operating difficult tasks that once were done by hand more effectively and efficiently . Thanks tothemachines,Now we live in a world where machines are able to meet the high rate of demand worldwide, what which would not have been possible without their contributionswe can supply who demands and without machines, it would be impossible to do so.

hope you find the comments useful
Cheers,
Ahmad
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Apr 30, 2015
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: A/G It is better to do work by machine than by hand. [4]

The industrial revolution is one of the greatest revolution thatcould altered the course of mankind by mechanizing everything . Machines began replacing manual labor efficiently and effectively, allowing man to reach further thanbeyond what anyone had dreamed ofor hoped . Work and labor never became an obstacle anymore, and people no longer had to learn a great deal of knowledge to work on a specific field(not a valid point. Btw, the thesis is not clear enough. You wrote three lines abour industrial revolution, but not a single sentence about what the essay is revolving around) . ThusI also believe that getting tasks done mechanically is far better than doing them manually due to XX, YY, ZZ reasons,it is better to do work by machine than by working manually.

I'll go through the rest later :)
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Apr 13, 2015
Writing Feedback / The advertisement gives influence toward the increasing number of popular consumers of the goods [3]

Without a doubt, people now live in a consumer culture(repetition) . They are influenced quickly to buy some needs(if they are "needs", it is not rational to say "they should not be purchased") which actually should not be bought for their homes. For instance, people just follow the certain brand image thanks to their intention to increase a higher status in which advertising can manipulate people. As a result, people are triggered by the advertisement to buy more and more products that have the branded goods.

I think you deviated from the topic. First, this is an "agree or disagree" topic, and you need to support YOUR OWN OPINION (agree or disagree) through at least two body paragraphs. Second, you need to say why people buy things they don't need. For example, you could have said that they think they are inferior if they don't have a wide range of products, or you could say that advertising decreases our choices and narrows down our options to the popular brands we think they are made in the best quality (manipulating people's opinion). Talking about the influences of ads on employment rate and other benefits does not hold water. Find the keywords of the prompt first, and stick to those keywords throughout the essay.

Hope this helps.
Good luck,
Cheers,
Ahmad

ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Apr 11, 2015
Writing Feedback / Some persons claim, modern buildings ruin cities, others argue that they add interest. Discuss both! [2]

Recently, the development of the cities is valued mostly by its eye-catching architecture. Some people think that high-rise new center is ruining(use a synonym like "adversely affect", destroy, "negatively influence the harmony of...", do not copy the words used in the prompt) cities as its imposing look which is different from othersurrounding buildings. In contrast, others believe that itbuilding a city including both old and advanced constructions could beis precisely beneficial for the city to be famously known by every person as to why I agree with the existence of towering building.

There are benefits ofwhich stem from massive construction of modern buildingssurrounding towns and cities . Firstly, having an attractive building can be an icon of the city, making it a worldwide known tourist attractionand can be internationally known . For example, the Eiffel Tower in Paris, a 300 meter-high metal tower which draws thousands of tourists to itself every yearhas been becoming tourists' destination . More than that, it has even been the target of many movies' scenes . As a result, it brings revenue to the cityit really is increasing the city's income .

Nevertheless, some people argue that the ancient buildings (don't think the word "ancient" is an appropriate word in this context. The prompt is talking about old buildings not monuments. It is talking about traditional and modern architecture) which isare supposed to be the town's landmark is ruinedare threatened by the existence of modern buildings . Many a person??? is attracted to see the impressive building. As a result, the more people come, the more disturbance inhabitants can have (this is not a valid point. What you pointed out here somehow reduces old building to a lower level. You could talk about negative effects of the presence of old and modern buildings on the uniformity of a city's appearance) .

In my opinion, it is important for the city to have at least one modern building so as to interest many people. It will help the city's development. However, having so many tall buildings is not good for local people. There is no point of having those buildings to attract tourists but having the inhabitants in so much disturbances (don't forget that your ideas must be believable. Tall buildings are not made only for tourist purposes. You need to consider the growth of population all around the world, steering countries toward building high rise apartments) .

To conclude, even though I believe that modern architecture has merits to the cities and towns, the government should limit the number of the modern buildings and pay attention to historic building(not all old buildings are historic. The prompt does not ask you to discuss on palaces or ancient constructions like pyramids in Egypt.) as well

Hope this helps.
Cheers,
Ahmad
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Apr 7, 2015
Writing Feedback / Local culture and visitors from other countries - should they obey cultural customs? [2]

Traveling abroad has beenbecomingbecome one of the most popular activitiesforamong people worldwide in the last fewrecent decades. For this reason, some groups of travelers argue that we have to conform to norms in a country destination (the coherency between opening statement and the following sentence is weak. Sorry that I'm a bit frank I just want to show how you can make your work stronger. You opened the second sentence with "for this reason", which means you are going to talk about facts stem from what you have mentioned in the previous sentence. Do you think popularity of travelling among people leads to that argument? I think the answer is no, and you should have added another sentence between these two to make the adhesion between sentences stronger. For example you could have added that travelling abroad get different people with different cultures together in one single area.) . NeverthelessOn the other hand , some people aremore likely to(look up "likely" to realize how to use it) believe that a host country should be open-minded to be able to take upembrace different culturescultural differences . I am of opinion that a state should promote its cultures to attract other foreign tourists (suggestion: "From my point of view, a country should promote local traditions and cultures with the intent to attract more foreigners and, as a consequence, thrive tourist industries") .

To begin with , what people should follow when they are in abroadtravel overseasisare customs and traditionswhich exists inof the host country. This is because when they are doing ain vacationholiday activity in other countries, theyaretend to be involved in the society. According to a popular proverb which says that when you go to Rome, you should do as Romans do(it would be better to use this proverb as a motivator in the introduction) , tourists are encouraged to honor tradition which is regulated in a country when then they travel to the country. Hence, holiday makers should go the extra mile to maintain national cultures which they are destined.

Conversely, a destination country should opengive foreigners an opportunity to receive other cultures which are brought byintroduce their cultures to themforeigners . In this manner, tourism in the nation can be thrived by receiving other cultures. The evidence of this case is providinged by a tourism area in Bali, Indonesia (suggestion: "Bali and Indonesia are clear-cut examples of this case.) . As the government allows other values from foreign visitors, the country can take a high profit from the tourism activity (suggestion: "When a country opens doors to all cultures, more people from different countries are provoked to choose that country as their destination for spending their holidays in, bringing revenue to the country as a result.) . Thus, receiving cultural differences is one of the important things which a host country should consider.

Alternatively, a state should promote its local cultures to evoke travelers visit the country. This method can perpetuate traditions in the country while it persuades people to follow the cultures. Take India as an example, by 2012, the council had promoted the cultures to attract visitors. As a result its local cultures have been succeeding to promote the country and foreigners come to India to learn the culture. Besides, India can be easy to thrive the tourism regardless cultural degradation. (Make it clear that this paragraph is all revolving around your own idea)

The aforementioned evidence shows that while tourists should maintain the culture when they do the holiday in the country, it would raise more local income if a nation can receive cultural variationsdiversity . Additionally, government should preserve local cultures from foreigners by promoting its own culture.

Hope this helps
Cheers,
Ahmad
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Mar 31, 2015
Writing Feedback / Some learners need a structured course from high qualified teacher to know materials in a depth. [2]

One's success(Success in what?) determines on how(what do you mean by how?.) people are studying. For this reason(this sentence and the opening one are not really connected. For what reason and what is the relationship between a person's success and what some people estimate.) , it is estimated that there arewould be no available schools in many areas owing to the fact that the majority of children rely entirely on computers nowadays which provides them with an opportunity to study at their own places and become independent on traditional teacher-centered classrooms . While this phenomenon meets several merits and demerits (this is an agree or disagree topic and do not need to talk about advantages and disadvantages of both education systems. Take one side, either agree or disagree, and support your opinion through at least two body paragraphs) , I am personally convinced that some learners need a structured course from high qualified teacher to know materials in a depth.

The available technology as a powerful tool to engage students may dismiss the existence of school. The advancement in technologyTechnological advanced renders the various teaching methodologies . As an obvious example (I would say "a clear-cut example") , some American students prefer to study by using "online video teaching". This method refers to students who study with their teachers by video online for several hours. As a consequence, a novel teaching methodology tends to create an informal learning process.

Conversely, schools are still necessary for learning process. By and large, almost all countries in this world(you don't need to say in this world as there is no country in any other world. Avoid any kind of redundancy) have a number of people with illiteracy problem due to accessing computer frequently which impacts to poor hand writing (you cannot call this issue "illiteracy". It is an educational issue but illiteracy is different) . Children need to study at school in order to enable them to write a letter by hand properly. As a result, it is unavoidable that children need to be secured at school (this idea is not strong. I mean you can point out much more important issues, cause the main goal of schools is not to improve students' hand writings. Try to make the body paragraphs tangible and reasonable) .

Personally speaking, the majority of students need to acquire and understand some materials clearly by meeting their teachers (suggestion: Schools provide students with the privilege of one-on-one communication) . To exemplify, children learn about numeration may find difficult to understand without a direct explanation by teachers. Hence, schools play a prominent role forinchildren's education.

In conclusion, teaching methodology is expected to be broad as the development of technology, and it will affect to the existence of teaching learning process formally(I think you need to revise this sentence, it is a bit confusing.) . What should education stakeholders react forto this phenomenon is to incline the quality of teachers at schools to create the expert one, and then provide interesting and novel materials so as to not boring-to-outdated subjects (do not write about new ideas in the conclusion. Just stick to the idea you provide in the body. First reword the thesis statement, then write a clincher)

Hope this helps,
Cheers,
Ahmad
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Mar 31, 2015
Writing Feedback / To look after the elderly - responsibility of families or the government? [3]

There is a lot of discussion on how to look after elderly people. While some people suggest that the government is responsible for keeping an eye on them, others argue that it is their families that should support old people. Start the introduction with a motivator. the term "a lot of discussion" is not catchy too. You could say "the controversy over...", "hot debated", "intensely debated", etc.

In many countries it is believed that the families of the elderly are morally obliged to look after old people if they could financially afford it. For example, in Russia, if people who live above subsistence level accommodate their parents in retirement homes, they are considered to show disrespect for their progenitors. The fact of the matter is that in Russia, as well as in the number of other developing countries, the social institute is devoted of strong financial support (at the beginning of the paragraph you said this is something morale and cultural in Russia, now you are connecting the matter to bad condition of the retirement homes in Russia. Try not to lose the adhesion between ideas) . As a result, the retirement homes provided by governments are usually sustained in unsatisfying condition. Because (better not to start a sentence with "because") It is clear that the elderly cannot receive proper treatment there (this sentence conveys exactly the same message as the previous one does. You could easily say "accordingly", then write the following sentence. Avoid redundancy) , in developing countries, retirement homes are viewed as athe last resort for those families who are not able to support the elderly for some reasons . Besides, there is an argument that, in families, elderly people generate more positive emotions from interacting with their relatives. It is known that old people's children and grandchildren are the most significant source of joy for the elderly. Placing grandfathers and grandmothers far from their grandchildren may, therefore, put their well-being at risk.

On the other hand, the policy of providing retirement homes to look after(u used "look after" a lot. Changing structures of sentences could sometimes help to avoid repetition. For example you could use "take care", "..to provide services for ...", and the like). the elderly may prove reasonable in developed countries, where such homes are subsidized properly. Provided that the retirement homes can offer satisfying medical support and living conditions, the idea of directing olds there seems to hold merit. In this case, it would lighten the workload of busy families without placing old people's well-being at hazard(exactly the same structure and similar wording you used at the end of the previous paragraph. By the way, this paragraph is too short compared to the previous one. Keep the balance between paragraphs, especially when your opinion does not lean toward none of the sides. What you presented here is that the advantages of looking after elderly at home outweigh its disadvantages, but the conclusion paragraph says something different) .

To sum up, it can be seen that the appropriate solution of the aforementioned problems depends on the state of a particular country's economy and on financial state of the family. If the decision is made to direct the elderly to a retirement home, their families better remember to visit them regularly, since the connections to their offspring are as important for the elderly as the living conditions.

Hope this helps.
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Mar 29, 2015
Scholarship / As computers are being used more in education, there will be soon no role for teachers in classroom [2]

It is totally acceptable that with the invention of computers has completely changed learning process has completely changed . Although computers have itstheir own pros and cons like searching and understanding information(you said computers have their own advantages and disadvantages, but what you pointed out here were only advantages.) has been easier and faster but(never use "although" together with "but")contrary to that we have lost our skills that could only be taught by a human (is it a skill to be taught by a human? Suggestion: "Even though computers have brought us many benefits like facilitating research, they will never be able to play the role of a teacher". I only tried to reword what you said, but you be careful. This sentence is supposed to be a thesis statement. to write a thesis you need to reword the prompt. As an example you could write "Today computers have occupied a big portion of the education and many students rely on online documents for conducting their projects, and more importantly, online tutorials provide students with learning resources which play the same roles as their teachers do in classrooms. Accordingly, some people believe that computers have potential to take teachers positions." . According to meFrom my point of view,c omputers should be used as a mode of education but they cannot take place of teachers.

We consider computers as a deviceshavingwith artificial intelligence. However,still with all its intelligence combined it have no powerto interactthat could strengthen your interaction level with others. Although while using a computer we are continuously in the phase of interaction still all those efforts are in vein we would require a literal human to teach the ways of interaction. Another sideadverse effect of using computer as tutor is that it uses a common approach to teach something rather than a teacher who tries to teach a student reaching their level. (what do you mean by "level"? With the help of teacher student become disciplined and punctual (you need better supporting statements here. You could talk about "one-on-one communication in the classroom-centered education system. Then add some personal examples that how such classrooms could help you understand the concepts you already leart through online tutes more effectively. You don't need to have such experience in the real life, you can make up a story).

Besides these entire drawbacks using computer as a teacher would help us to remain up to date in any new research but teacher being a human have limited capacity to store knowledge. Using computer would aid us about any advances in science. Computers usually find out the way to learn things without losing the fun in it (how? support it) . A human can refresh himself and learn something new when learning with the aid of games (I think you need to focus on the topic, which is education. You can play a computer game anytime. The topic is aking whether teachers can be replaced with computers or not.) . A computer whenever concerned never shows ambiguity or doubt.

Focusing on these facts I would conclude that Computers can be used for teaching but they can never take place of a teacher both should be consulted simultaneously.

I suggest you to google the topic and read some papers related to the topic to give you some good ideas on the matter.

Hope this helps,
Cheers,
Ahmad

ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Mar 27, 2015
Scholarship / Integrity and resilience are a few values I hold most - values and belief - NTU scholarship essay [2]

Integrity and resilience are a few values I hold most dear. I strongly believe that these values are not only a vital part of a person's character but also the key to success in the future. (If I were you, I would open the essay with a more general statement and then I narrow it down to the values which are important to me)

Having integrity would mean to be honest and truthful to everyone and it is of paramount importance to mebecause trust can only be earned through being faithful and truthful(I deleted the second part of the sentence cause it did not add anything to the sentence, it was repeating what you said at the beginning of the sentence. Avoid any redundancy) . Dishonesty can shatter trust between people and destroy a person's future. Therefore, with this belief, I did not hesitate to request for correction of marks when I found out that I was given extra marks for one of the Math exams in JC. I believe that character is far more important than grades as it is the character that shapes one's future(I think you should use the past tense here as you are still talking about somethings happened in the past) .

(In this example you introduced yourself as an honest person, but you have not said how it can help you build a better future.)

Resilience is another value that I hold strongly(If I were you I would reword this, as these words have been used in the prompt) to and I believe that it can be a determining factor to one's success. Life is not always smooth-sailing and problems and difficulties are all part and parcel of life. Therefore, we should recognise that giving up would not be of any help when we are faced with challenges in life. I think that resilience is well demonstrated through my CCA. I was a member of the Chinese Chess Club in secondary school and I always performed poorly in competitions. However, I never considered the choice of giving up but instead, I always give my best in competitions and learn from mistakes. My efforts finally paid off when I won many competitions in Secondary Four.

Elvis Presley once said that "Values are like fingerprints. Nobody's are the same, but you leave 'em all over everything you do" Therefore, it is important to possess good values as I always believe that values shape our future (the quot from Elvis is really good, but I think it would be better to move it to the introduction section and use it as an opening statement. This paragraph is supposed to be a conclusion, so summarize what you stated above and close the essay using a clincher) .

Hope this helps,
Cheers,
Ahmad
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Mar 27, 2015
Writing Feedback / Once people experience puberty they are potentially be able to produce children. [2]

Topic: Nowadays people get married and have children after the age of 30. Is it a positive or negative development? Give your opinion and examples based on your experience.

Once people experience puberty they are potentially be able to produce children. However, the body condition that allows us to have a baby is not the only factor which leads people to marry and finally have kids. A brief look at the history shows us that individuals decide on marrying when they could afford the living costs. As time passed, the living expenses increased decades by decades. Today, we live in a luxurious world and it is obvious that the marriage age has risen to over 30, and a s a consequence, people mostly have children in their 30s. This situation can bring both merits and demerits to the society, which are addressed in this essay.

...
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Mar 27, 2015
Undergraduate / Engineering in supporting my financial issues - Personal statement correction [2]

You will read an essay about a person who succeed in his studies by his own encourages and attempts, Being motivated is one of the reasons he succeed in his study life, to be positive and think positive is also need to be considered in the way he succeed in.

is this paragraph a part of the statement? If so, I suggest to remove it or express it in a different way. First, the word "succeed" has been repeated a lot. Second, this paragraph seems a blueprint to me. Usually a blueprint comes at the end of the introduction. So, simply write the introduction and at the end give a blueprint as the outline of the paper.

When I was 5 years old, my family registered me at school because of an excessive believing they had on my talent, therefore I started school where I faced with full pressure and depression, school was a tremendous place for me, and I failed in the first year though I was absconding every day from school to home.very long sentence. In fact you wrote a paragraph in one sentence. Suggestion:"My parents has always believed in my talents excessively, so that they made me to start school at the age of five, two years earlier than any other child. Although my parents were so excited about that, school brought me everything but excitement. I found it a place that I had to tolerate a lot of pressure and stress everyday at such a young age. Finally, I failed the first year of studying at school".

When I faced with another vast of encouragements again by my family I got much more moral for studying at school, after all I passed every year of high school with an incredible result, where I become one of top three students at my school (this paragraph and the previous one are not connected in my opinion. In the first one you said your parents' wrong decision led to a failure, and in the second one you are saying something good about the role of your parents. I think you should modify the second paragraph a little bit. For example, you should say that even though the experience of the first year at school was hard for you and your family, you could pass the final exams the next year as you got older by one year and you could handle the stress more easily. .

Since I have been living in a village and I tended to learn more and continue my education I decided to go abroad, and I registered for university entry exam, and in my result paper written FAILED and I can't meet the entry requirement for the university, I become nervous therefore I didn't lose my moral to face with that hard situation which I never experienced, I found my weak sides which I couldn't develop them in the village, I tried self-study everyday with full attempt, therefore I got the top score of entrance exam at university.Again a very long sentence. You need to organize your ideas and thoughts first and then write them down on the paper. You said you live in a village and you want to learn more. What is the connection between living in a village and studying abroad? You should provide stronger reasons which have steered you toward this decision (studying abroad). And the term is "the university entrance exam" or "matriculation exam". I think you need to revise this paragraph

Since being far away from family was hard for me, I got job during the studies to support my financial issues, and have a consistent score every year at university where I Graduated as one of top five students among whole students of Engineering department. (connect paragraphs to each other. There is no coherency in this work. What department? What university? what country? Add more details

I have believed that if human try to catch something, definitely he can, just need a try. (is this a paragraph?)

If we want to reach the goals, beyond the shadow of a doubt needed to stop saying the word "Can't" in life, we just need to try and figure out, seek for some positive clues to find and select the real ways. Never stop and never wait to someone for encouragement, do it by yourself be motivated and give moral to yourself then the result will be appreciable as I was experiencing apprehensions in my life, but I didn't lose my moral and tried to be motivated then I succeed.
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Mar 27, 2015
Writing Feedback / One of the most intensely debated topics in education is the types of subjects need to be studied [3]

Topic: Usually students have to study a range of different subjects. Some people believe that learning subjects without being interested in them won't be beneficial. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

One of the most intensely debated topics in education is the types of subjects need to be studied. Today, we are witnessing that a broad range of course work subjects are provided for students, especially primary and high school pupils. Some people believe that the disparity of subjects would be a discouraging element which prevents student from pursuing their interests. Thus, they come forth with the idea that schools must concentrate only on the subjects students are really willing to study. From my perspective, however, the diversity of subjects would contribute to the formation of a stronger education system.

Although the critics of the variety of subjects centre their discussion on students' interests, students need a wide range of subjects to learn about the topics they are enthusiastic about. Human beings explore their interests and talents through a trial and error process. Taking different subjects is a part of this process. How can we find out which student is good in mathematics and the other one in biology without teaching them both the subjects at the same time? In short, studying various subjects would help students to discover their interests and their prowess in different fields of studies.

Today we live in a world where all scientific topics are somehow related to each other, so that studying various subjects in schools is a must. For example, physical activities are in a direct relationship with our body condition. Hence, if a student is interested to have a profession as an athlete he/she needs to know about foods, nutrition and the functionality of cardiovascular system. At the first sight each of these topics are irrelevant, but if we look deeper we can connect each part of the puzzle to the other one.

Finally, some skills are taught in schools in the form of subjects, which are not real science but they are needed to be improved. For instance, teaching how to write an essay seems boring for people who gravitate to experimental studies, like physics or chemistry. However, these individuals need to ameliorate their writing skills to a level that allows them write a research paper, if they seek to publish their data in a journal.

In the light of the aforementioned facts, students are required to study as many subjects as they can, if they want to recognize their capabilities and interests. Furthermore, they need to have knowledge about various subjects, since in the world we live in all areas of studies are intertwined. If we follow this educational policy, I expect a brighter future for students.
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Feb 14, 2015
Writing Feedback / Why museums are visited by tourists more than locals? [2]

Topic: Museums and historical sites are mainly visited by tourists, not the local people. Why is this so? What could be done to encourage more local visitors? Please include relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.

One of the main reasons why thousands of visitors travel all around the world annually is exploring different cultures and histories, which are unknown to them. Museums and old monuments are places where tourists can learn about different nations. However, a search on the lists of the sold museums' tickets reveals that local residents are not enthusiastic about visiting historical places located in their own city or country. This essay, therefore, is in identifying the main causes of the latter issue and finding ways to motivate local individuals attend museums.

As the word tourist implies, a tourist aims to visit all the attractions of the place he/she visits, and museums are always among them. In other words, a visitor has only one goal, which is visiting all interesting areas of a country. However, local people have to deal with their daily routine life, including shopping, working, studying, etc. They are not in a vacation as a visitor is. Furthermore, the cultural and historical identities of a specific populace are captivating for tourists who know almost nothing about them. On the other hand, locals live their culture and study their histories in schools; thus, none of the above-mentioned tourist attractions are new for locals, discouraging them to go to places like museums.

Systematic and effective advertising would give locals incentive to visit museums and ancient constructions. For example, by distribution of brochures among people, they will realize what new information is offered by such places. TV as one of the most influential media can play a pivotal role in this respect too. Producing and showing short videos, introducing old building, war museums or even art galleries, on TV would increase the level of awareness of locals about what they do not know about their nations. Providing elderly and students with concession cards is another method to encourage more local people to visit museums. The latter solution has recognized a proficient way in Australia, since cheaper tickets act like a magnet, drawing people's attention.

To sum up, the familiarity of local people with their own cultures and their involvement in life's difficulties while they are not in holiday can be counted as the main factors preventing them from visiting museums or historical regions. However, constructive promotions and applying subsidies on tickets for locals would effectively increase the number of local visitors.
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Feb 14, 2015
Writing Feedback / The birth of computer and its fast paced development could influence our lives in different ways. [4]

Topic: Some people believe that computers help to make the world a better place. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give your opinion

The birth of computer and its fast paced development through last few decades could profoundly influence our lives in different ways. The positive effects of computer on different industries and education have made even the most pessimistic people to confess that the advent of computer has made the world a more liveable place. I also believe that computers are powerful tools helping countries to thrive socially, educationally and industrially.

Of outmost importance, the invention of computer and the Internet, as one of the most commonly used computer's functions, have completely changed the communication model of the modern men. Today, we can send a letter to any part of the world in a second thanks to emailing systems, such as gmail and yahoomail. Social networks like Facebook and Tweeter have provided people with the advantage of being in connection with individuals all around the world. For example, Facebook is the best and cheapest way for me, as an international student in Australia, to be in touch with my family in Iran. Such privileges would not be obtained without computers.

Education is the other area immensely ameliorated by computers. Owing to strong search engines like Google any students have access to loads of information and documents online. There are many tutorials, text books and E-papers about a wide range of topics, from biology to mathematics, which are mostly available free of charge. Moreover, software products like MS office word or Latex have enabled us to type our documents or school projects in a decent and nice electronic format. This model of documenting also helps us to share E-files with individuals worldwide, contributing to information distribution.

Computers can also be viewed as the most influential elements on the enhancement of technology and, thus, industries. Many engineering software products such as Solidworks, Matlab, AutoCAD, and the like are extensively employed in design, so we can undoubtedly say that without computers none of the modern flying metal objects and automobiles could be manufactured.

In the light of the aforementioned facts, one can easily conclude that computers rule today's world and steer it toward more advanced place for living.
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Feb 11, 2015
Writing Feedback / Pushed by eager mother to enter sports clubs because it builds 'character'. Competition or fun? [2]

Very interesting introduction, but there is an issue with the introductions you write. There are lots of details in them, so I don't need to read the rest of the essay. And introduction needs "blueprint" too, which is lacking in this introduction.

Sports, whethereitherplayed with teamteam or against a single individual interactive/individual ones

Sports, whether played with team or against a single individual, is a competition that measures player's determination and fervor

sports is plural while you wrote the whole sentence for a singular subject. Not sure if it is correct

Thus, it is no surprise that some players might surpass their limits in order to emerge victorious over their rivals.

suprise is noun and you cannot use it as an adjective. I would say "there is no doubt about ...", "undoubtedly ..."

but because I wanted to show him my passion anddetermination (repetition). You could change the structure of the sentence to avoid the repetion. For example "but I wanted to prove it to myself that I can make something impossible, possible by working hard and perseverance ".

This is why I think sports should be played

dont repeat this sentence. In fact it is not necessary to write this at the end of the fist body paragraph.

goof off

not sure if it is a good idea to use this term as it is informal. you could say "they would not take the sport serious, preventing them from being benefited by proper exercising"

Many parents or the coachs wouldn'tnot mind, after all, children goof around all the time, but they do not realize the danger of this action.

To give you some ideas as you asked for, I would say doing a competitive sport would provide you with a chance to practice how overcome stress-induced tasks, especially by doing individuals sports. I had been in such situation and I needed to learn how to get over the stress and concentrate on my job as an athlete. Second, engaging in competitions will give you a world of opportunities to extend your social life. How? well, competitions means travelling to different parts of your county, if you do it in national level, or to other countries, if it is done in international level. In this way, you can make more friends from different regions of your countries or all around the world. If you talk to Olympians the first privilege they point out about being an athlete is that they have friends in any spots of the world.

Hope this helps.
Cheers,
Ahmad
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Feb 11, 2015
Writing Feedback / A/D: Who is a better leader, an old person or a young one? [8]

Hey guys, Please have a look at the following link, it is a very interesting talk about "childish thinking", it gives very interesting points.

ted/talks/adora_svitak

of course such topics are really broad and you can write books about them. Different people have different ideas and opinions, and as I said, this is just an essay and I might question all these ideas, I put in this essay, in a next word.

Hope you enjoy the talk
Cheers
Ahmad
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Feb 10, 2015
Writing Feedback / A/D: Who is a better leader, an old person or a young one? [8]

I would like you to reconsider your argument.

thank you Luisa for the new ideas you have provided me with, but this is just an essay and it is not supposed to be published anywhere. So, as long as I can convey my message and support it by some examples is enough. btw, do you ignore the contribution of Bill Gates or Steve Jobs to the US economy? What they did was a revolution in computer industries, which all done when they were young.

Another point about Umbrella movement is that you cannot expect all movements to succeed. I can name a very long list of old political leaders whose movements failed and they ended up with jail or execution.

which leaders, young or old, are more effective. The phrase of lion and sheep doesn't fit in. Lions are the symbol of power, courage, and loyalty while sheep are the symbol of foolishness, immaturity, and in short, an animal that needs a shepherd to survive. There is nothing regarded about age, some sheep can be older than lions, and vice versa. I think you should reconsider your hook.

Thanks Kim, hook gives a big picture about the topic. The big picture is "leadership", and in the thesis statement I mentioned "the age"

That part highlighted in blue is really related to your second point which was about how leaders should be ambitious. you could have put the fact about universities and the example of Hong Kong umbrella riot in the second paragraph, displaying the fervor of juvenile opinion and power.
Otherwise, a splendid essay, well done, let me know if you agree with my statements!

do you really think this part talks about risk taking or ambition? This paragraph is about the attachement among people who are at the same age group. Thank you anyway for the suggestions and I hope I'll receive your comments on my works in the future.

Can anyone help me with grammar or vocabulary?

Thanks
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Feb 9, 2015
Writing Feedback / A/D: Who is a better leader, an old person or a young one? [8]

Topic: Most leaders or directors generally belong to an older age group, but some people believe that young leaders are better. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give your own opinion

A lion army under leadership of a sheep is defeated by an army of sheep led by a lion. This statement shows how important the role of a leader in the success of a society is. However, who can be viewed as a strong leader? Can the issue be related to age? Some people are of opinion that experience would make old people more powerful and influential leaders, while another group of individuals are opposed to this thought. I also think that young people have privileges that overshadow their lack of experience as leaders.

To begin with, the main characteristic a leader, manager or director needs is risk taking. In critical conditions leaders have to make hard decisions regardless of the fact whether their decisions would close them to their goals or not. For example, when Gandhi, the prominent leader of India who was a young man at the time of the revolution, asked Indians to stop using British products was not really sure about the efficiency of this strategy. He had to face hard situations like increasing the level of poverty in India, but he made that decision because of his risk taking spirit. It is psychologically proven that old people are more conservative than young people; thus, they do not possess one of the most significant traits of a leader.

Second, a person who wants to steer his society or even his company as a leader or manager towards a better destination is required to be ambitious. Being ambitious can be translated to having great aims. Similar to risk taking trait, ambition is also lacking in old people. Young individuals are energetic and always have thirst for making changes. Young people know that they have more time in this world to make positive changes, or in other words, they have more hope to create a better future. Even though it is a poignant fact, we should remind ourselves that older people have less willingness to make differences in the society as their time in this world is passing faster and they must leave this transient life sooner or later.

Third, most of the social movements start from universities, where young, educated people are gathered. Such energy of youth must be guided to the right direction by a person who thinks young and understands young people. Who can do that better than a young leader? Nobody indeed. The Umbrella movement in Hong Kong led by a young university student is a clear cut example in this case. If the leader and his followers belong to the same generation, the attachments between them would foster more easily.

In conclusion, we need to believe in young people to take more managerial and leadership roles, since they are ambitious, energetic and risk taker, the features that make them strong leaders indisputably.
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Feb 4, 2015
Writing Feedback / Should employees be allowed to do some work from home? [3]

@ TJ: Thanks for your helpful comments.

Since your opinion is also being asked for, why not place yourself in both situations and explain why you feel that you would work better in a particular situation? Do you think that would work for you in this essay?

Thank you very much Luisa. This is a brilliant idea. I will write this topic again as I think I could have made a stronger discussion. Hope I can get your feedback on the new version too :)
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Feb 4, 2015
Writing Feedback / Should we choose a job to earn more money or to have a contribution to the society? [2]

Topic: For some people high salary is an important criterion when choosing a new job. Others are satisfied if the job contributes to the society. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

The invention of coins and paper money has influenced our lives in many ways, so that the profession we choose to do for our entire lives is somehow related to money. To be more specific, for many people the best job is the one with higher wage. However, in each society there are always individuals who place money into their second priority after making a meaningful contribution to their nations through what they do as their jobs. The question that must be asked is: what issues determine the priorities of each group? This essay is targeting to answer this question with the intent to come to a comprehensive conclusion over the matter.

Some people believe that job satisfaction is achieved when employees or blue-collar workers feel they are doing something useful in their countries. For example, when a researcher in the field of biomechanics sees how his attempts in producing a knee embrace could help many patients with knee injuries, it gives him a wonderful feeling which is not tradable with any amount of money. Such feeling will never be experienced with those who only seek money.

On the other hand, many facets of our lives are directly or indirectly dependent on the amount of money we can make. To have a better life on the basis of the today's worlds' luxurious criteria, earning more money is a must. How can an employee enjoy his job, while he is not able to afford his monthly rental price, education expenses, and his children's needs, to name a few? All of these financial burdens urge a person to put money on the priority. In other words, people are responsible for their families' wellbeing first, then the society.

In conclusion, there is always a hot debate over the factors a person needs to deem imperative for choosing his/her career. Some people believe salary is the deciding element, whereas others think the satisfactions stemmed from their contribution to the society is the one. I admit that I am among the first group. In my opinion, money brings us a more comfortable life and many stresses originated from financial difficulties are erased, placing us into better mental states. We, as parts of the society, consciously or unconsciously play a positive role in the society by doing a job, regardless of the fact that we are doing it for serving the country or just making money.
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Feb 4, 2015
Writing Feedback / Is it a good idea to compete for the right to host international sport events? [2]

Topic: Many nations nowadays are competing for the right to host international sport events, however some people think it is not a good idea. Discuss both views and mention your own opinion.

Together with development of sport and fostering international relationships among nations, many global sport events, such as Football World Cup, Olympic games, etc. are held worldwide annually or every four years. However, we are witnessing a competitive race among countries to overcome their rivals to achieve the right of being the host of such sport events. Some people, on the other hand, believe that governments should put more important issues in their priorities and investment in international sport events is merely wasting money. Although, I am opposed to the latter group, for better understanding of the matter, two sides of the coin must be examined.

The critics believe that running a sport event in international level is a massive, multi-million dollar project, while the budgets can be spent on more crucial issues than sports. For example, the money required to construct a football stadium can be used in establishing a factory in order to produce more job opportunities. Eradication of poverty must always come first and authorities should lead all their financial policies toward this goal that providing individuals with jobs is the first step in this path.

Those who proclaim the competition on hosting a worldwide sport event think we should not reduce sports to entertaining activities. When a country is chosen to be the host of an important sport event, it is obliged to build world-class gyms, grounds and stadiums. To meet this end, many engineers, simple workers, and even accountants are needed to be employed. Thus, this fact clearly questions what critics build their opinions on. Furthermore, international events, in particular sport ones, help countries reinforce tourist industries, supplying them with a huge source of income. For instance, thousands of people travel to the country hosting the Football World Cup. They have to spend the money they bring from their own countries to the host one on hotel rent, souvenirs, matches' tickets, and the like. Transferring currency from other countries to the host dramatically ameliorate the economy.

To sum up, although a group of people are of the opinion that the competition of nations on winning the right to be the host of a sport event is literally wasting budgets' resources, I believe that being a host for such events thrive countries economically. Therefore, this idea not only has no harm for the society, but also it helps its advancement.
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Feb 3, 2015
Writing Feedback / Should employees be allowed to do some work from home? [3]

Topic: Today people spend more time travelling to work than before. Some people suggest employers should allow employees to do some work from home. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

The exponential increase in the population of the world has profoundly affected people's daily routine life in many different ways. One of the most tangible influences is the presence of thousands of automobiles in streets, contributing to traffic jams and, subsequently, wasting people's time while they are heading their work places. Some people highlight the issue of the time consumed for reaching a work place and bring forth the idea of working at home in order to save time. This type of work policy may have positive and negative implications for the society, which both will be addressed in this essay with the intent to come to a comprehensive conclusion over the matter.

Changing home to office mainly impacts the productivity of individuals. There are many distractive elements at home that prevent people from concentrating on what they are supposed to do as their jobs. For example, visual entertaining devices like TV and video games, which are frequently found in any houses these days, can be viewed as bad distractions, decreasing proficient working hours of an employee. In addition, it is proven that employees work harder when they know that their activities are being watched by supervisors while they are at their offices. Staying at home literally eliminates this implicit working drive.

One the other hand, if white-collar workers are given the leverage to do their jobs at home rather than companies, it would benefit both themselves directly and the environment indirectly. As an example, a mother who is spending a majority of her time out at work will lose the chance of being with her children. Staying at home while she can keep her job provides her with a huge privilege to raise her kids more appropriately and contribute to the household income simultaneously. Moreover, according to a survey published in the Times magazine more than 40% of employees in London have jobs that do not necessarily require their presence in the corresponding work places. Conducting such works at houses means 40% reduction in traffic congestion, and as a result, dramatic decrease in air pollution, which has been reached an alarming level worldwide.

To sum up, similar to many new occupational strategies, replacing houses with traditional working areas has its own merits and demerits. From my perspective, this working structure would bring more advantages to the society than disadvantages. In the light of the aforementioned facts, I believe that its positive social and environmental influences are more important issues than distractions, which can be controlled by applying a systematic job plan.
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Feb 2, 2015
Writing Feedback / Agree or disagree: Students need one year of break after finishing high school [4]

An A/D essay needs to view both sides of the issue in order to have a balanced discussion

Luisa, I became really really confused with this line of your comment. In different IELTS writing books I read that "agree OR disagree" means that the writer needs to take only one side cause it is not "agree and disagree", it is like "either agree or disagree". Some IELTS mentors also suggested that to me, they said because of that OR between "agree" and "disagree" we need to just argue one side. It is different from the topics which ask to discuss two viewpoints. If I need to talk about two sides of the argument, what is the difference between "agree or disagree" topics and "discuss both viewpoints" ones?
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jan 31, 2015
Writing Feedback / British who are from 65 and older between 1985 and 2035 - IELTS task 1 [3]

The graphbar chart illustrates the percentage of British who are from 65 and older between 1985 and 2035, measured in percentage.

add a general trend at the end of the introduction.

The graph shows that in 1985that both in UK and England, the percentage of population withat the age of 65 and higherabove were equal to 15% and XX%, respectively (if they are at the same range of 15%, then, you cannot use respectively) . In parallel, Scotland and Northern Ireland were considered to be the lowest with their percentage of 14% and 12%. The most salient in the graph, Wales managed to reach 16%.

According to the graph chart t here will be a significant vicissitude when it comes to the percentage of all territory in 2035, it betokens that both England and UK's percentage will be increased by approximately 8 % each . In the meantime, it is predicted that Scotland's population will increase it percentage forby 11 %, while this value will be 2,5 % larger than the futurefor Northern Ireland one's . Wales as usual, however, keeps its lead in population and thewill be leading with its remarkable increase of 26% is anticipated for this area in 2035. .

The data suggests that, as time goes by, British people are becoming more salubrious and that phenomena will prolong their life span.
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jan 31, 2015
Writing Feedback / I would argue that globalization influences people to learn foreign language, English especially [5]

To give you some ideas, I would like to grab your attention to the fact that even children who are born in an English speaking country learn their parents' languages first and English is their second language. These people are bilingual and it does not mean that their first languages will be dying.

Although the best age of learning a foreign language is an intensely debated topic among linguistics, many studies showed that the best age range is between 11 to 13. Grammar concepts like verb, proverb, etc are hardly digested by youngsters below this range of age. Moreover, children have very limited vocabulary which makes the learning process of a foreign language very difficult.
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jan 31, 2015
Writing Feedback / I would argue that globalization influences people to learn foreign language, English especially [5]

Hi Ainun, I think what you wrote completely deviated from the topic. The topic did not ask you about the importance of one international language, it is about the best age someone can learn a foreign language. You need to highlight the keywords of a prompt first, then, start writing it. The keywords in this topic are "studying a foreign language" and "age". This topic does not say that a foreign language should be replaced with local languages. You should have argued about the statement that why some parents believe that it is better to start teaching their children a feign language in the early grads in schools, if you are in agreement with them, then say why you think this is a good idea, if not so why not. You did not point out anything about "age" which is one of the main points stated in the prompt.

I would argue that globalization influences people to learn foreign language, English language specially. Result shows that about 1,500,000,000 people in the world speak in English, and around 1,000,000,000 people are studying it. Moreover, almost all of international conferences and international competitions are held in English language, Olympiad for example. Although this can help people to communicate with foreigners, traditional language is abandoned.

This paragraph gives some statistics about the popularity of English language all around the world, but it does not say anything about the age of learning a language. by the way, you claimed that this situation will jeopardize the life of local languages but you did not say why. You need to support whatever you say in a body paragraph.

I strongly believe that this has both positive and detrimental effects.

The topic asked you "to what extend do you agree OR disagree"? It means "either agree or disagree" and you need to take one side and argue over it.

Hope this helps.
Cheers,
Ahmad
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jan 31, 2015
Writing Feedback / Children are dependent on computer entertainment. Should they spend more time on outdoor activities [5]

I would reserve the word for more serious matters for consideration and other academic papers. Using it in constantly in your IELTS practice tests just shows that you have limited your English vocabulary to that single word in order to emphasize agreement. You could say things such as "I strongly agree, I passionately agree," or simply put, "I agree".

:DD I used "utterly" cause I like this word :D if it is not appropriate I'll avoid using it in the future. Thank you :)