Undergraduate / An important issue ("She is always") [11]

"I studied day and night, studied harder than a bee to attain my aim, because my teachers and my parents set all their hope on me."

I never heard of the expression "studied harder than a bee."

"I and the class president"

I think usually you would say "The class president and I."

"I felt as if they were diamonds"

Odd expression.

"As I have stated, my classmates are diamonds."

Repetitive.

"They're extremely excellent."

I don't think "extremely" is needed here. Also, excellent in what?

"In the first school year, I was shocked because ofby their intelligent minds."

Intelligence might convey the same meaning as intelligent minds.

"I was sometimes buried in a pool of depression, and even wallowed in Internet, blogging, chatting for a short time to forget the bad reality."

There is nothing wrong with blogging or chatting online. Also you need parallel structures here. For instances, it should be "wallowing, blogging, chatting" or "wallowed, blogged, chatted."

"After giving myself a slap on the face, I came back to my desk, continued in studying day and night. Staying up late till midnight, waking up at 4 or 5 am gradually became my habit."

Just a comment on the style. "I slapped myself" is much more concise and powerful than "After giving myself a slap on the face." Of course you would need to change some other part of the sentence if you are going to adopt my recommendation.

"I spent all my savings on preference books, spent most of my time in school library so that the librarian remembered my full name and my class among 2 thousands students"

Preference book?

"Step by step, little by little, I regained my confidence. Although my academic result was not good, I am pleased that I have not ever given up."

Using both "Step by step" and "little by little" is repetitive.

You need a lot of work on parallelism on this essay.

There is too much telling and explaining in this essay. Try to show instead of tell.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / We have only one space left in UB's freshman class, tell us why you deserve for this place? Buffalo [16]

I would focus on how your community have shaped you, what you have learned, and how you would transfer or use these skills to make an impact at the university.

Instead of narrating a series of events, pick out a few of your most meaningful activities. I would pick activities where I have shown leadership or/and activities where I have contributed a lot. Then show, not tell, the activities and how they have influenced you. I would integrate the community aspect of the question with the activities. You can talk about how everyone was motivated in the club or how your teacher is always helping you (these are just examples, I would not use them if they are not true) and talk about how it has influenced you, which will cover "what you have learned". Then just talk about "how you will use those experiences to contribute to UB's campus community".

Good luck!

Book Reports / Amusing its readers - Grammar Check for Macbeth Essay [7]

"The author's primary purpose in writing "The Macbeth Murder Mystery" was to amuse his readers."

Shouldn't it be "is" instead of "was"?

I must disagree with your teacher. The definition of a cliche from wikipedia: "a saying, expression, or idea that has been overused to the point of losing its intended force or novelty" (This definition is quite accurate). Parallelism and consistency in style do not count as cliches. Also, adding an introductory phrase before a quote makes your essay flow smoother (unless you are opening your essay with a quote, but that is not a dropped quote).

Book Reports / Simple one page summary on The Westing Game [4]

"Westing game"

The name of a book should be capitalized and underlined.

"In Sam Westing's will, he states that the But the catch is that one person out of sixteen people is actually the true heir. "

He states what? What is "that"? "But" doesn't need to be capitalized.

"It is about a man who is murdered and leaves 200,000,000(200 million) dollars to a person. The man's name is Sam Westing. In Sam Westing's will, he states that the But the catch is that one person out of sixteen people is actually the true heir."

Very wordy and confusing. "The man's name is Sam Westing" should be combined with another sentence.

"The sixteen people are paired up into groups of two and each group is given a clue to the mystery. "

What mystery?

Frankly, you need to provide a bit more detail about the book. Make it concise and interesting. Also, your title says "one page summary"; this is nowhere near one page.

Good luck!

Research Papers / GLOBAL WARMING and natural disasters essay [10]

@zowzow

I thought so. I believe the terms "first world" and "second world" is are rarely used, unless in the context of the cold war. Yes, the term "developing countries" or "developed countries" would be better.

Research Papers / GLOBAL WARMING and natural disasters essay [10]

"Globe warming brings about various natural disasters. "

Is this sentence suppose to be a paragraph by itself? I suggest merging it with the introduction.

"Global warming increases the melting rate? of the polar ice caps, which brings about a rise in sea level."

"As the ice cap meltingmelts, there are fewer places for polar bear to live instead more water surrounding them "

"According to article Kyoto Accord "Kyoto Accord is an international treaty whereby countries agree to reduce the amount of greenhouse gases they emit if their neighbors do likewise."

Sentence fragment.

"I persuade that all countries do not just think their own country's benefit and refuse to sign the agreement,; all the politicians should think about save our earth for our offspring."

I don't think you mean "I persuade" here. "I hope" is probably what you want.

"Since we live on one planet, we share the same earth, we should help each other, and the First World should stretch out their friend hand to the Third World to avoid doing the same mistake to the earth."

What are the "First World" and the "Third World"?

Your conclusion is a bit off topic. Focus on the issues of global warming. More or less restate what you wrote in your body paragraphs in your conclusion.

And yes, don't cite wikipedia as a source. Everyone can edit it. On the other hand, it is very accurate.

Also, what is the prompt of the essay? I know it is on global warming, but can you tell us a bit more about the prompt?

Good luck.

Writing Feedback / Oedipus the Tragic Hero [6]

"Aristotle defines Oedipus as a tragic hero for his unfortunate sequence of events."

How can this be when Aristotle's definition of a tragic hero is: "such a person who neither is superior [to us] in virtue and justice, nor undergoes a change to misfortune because of vice and wickedness, but because of some error, and who is one of those people with a great reputation and good fortune."

Aristotle is essentially saying that a tragic hero is a person who is not perfect. The tragic hero is rich and famous; usually a noble. The tragic hero's downfall is not because of fate, but instead a misjudgment or an error in the tragic hero's character. - you obviously got that from reading the rest of your essay.

"Jocasta and Laius try to impede the prophecy by killing Oedipus, but in the end, fate was the ultimate victor."

Did they really tried to kill him? If so, then instead of trying to get rid of Oedipus by giving him to a servant or a shepherd (I forgot) they should have killed him on the spot. Elaborate a bit, how was fate the ultimate victor?

"His rage resulted in the death of Laius and his men."

I think you need to tell the reader how did his rage resulted in the death of Laius and his men and its significant.

"It is also because of characteristics that lead him to his downfall."

Sentence fragment.

You have some good ideas, but this essay is really hard to follow. Definitely needs some work on organization.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / Columbia Short answer (The Fu Foundation School) [3]

I thought Columbia's deadline was January 2nd.

Are you sure you study financial engineering at The Fu Foundation School of Engineering and Applied Science instead of Columbia's business school?

You didn't really answer the prompt. The prompt asks, why do you want to study engineering. Okay you are a good mathematician. Why not study math then?

Also you spelled the professor's name wrong, it's Emanuel Derman.

Lastly, your response seems a bit short.

Undergraduate / 'mixing chemicals together' - Personal Statement UCAS [5]

"I would like to start my essay by expressing my desire to study in the United Kingdom. "
It has always been a dream and always will. I was inspired by my best friend who is from Nottingham that I find respectable and responsible. On the other hand I'm anxious to be introduced to an English society and a new culture."

So why do you want to study in the UK? Frankly, this paragraph is unless and choppy; the ideas doesn't connect. Also, "I would like to start my essay" is a bad way to start your essay. Why is studying in the UK your dream? How did your best friend inspired you to study in the UK?

Sorry for being critical, but your essay is composed of ideas that are loosely connected together. This is not an essay where you summarize your grades and your activities, but instead an essay that shows the admission officer your personality, ambitions, passion, and enthusiasm. What makes you stand out? What makes you special aside from your grade, extra curricular, and course load? Lastly and most importantly, answer the prompt: "Tell the universities and colleges why they should choose you. The personal statement is your opportunity to tell universities and colleges about your suitability for the course(s) that you hope to study. You need to demonstrate your enthusiasm and commitment, and above all, ensure that you stand out from the crowd.""

So, tell the college what you want to study. Why you want to study it. How you are different from the other applicants who are applying to the college.

I hope this will get you started. Good luck!

Essays / Question for UNC essay (word count) [26]

It really depends on the college. Why don't you post the short response and see what the essay forum community can do with it?

Undergraduate / georgia tech essay (if delayed one year to go to school what would u do) [8]

I think you should write a totally different subject.

If I was an admission officer, my impression of the essay would be:
"Georgia Tech is a tech school (obviously). If you want to learn about the Korean culture so much, Georgia Tech is definitely not the school for you. Another school with emphasis on East Asian studies would be better suited for you."

I don't see your passion in the sciences, math, and engineering from this essay. Anyways, to the essay!

"Korea to learn much of its culture and history that it left behind for the world to admire at"

Uh...why Korea? China, Egypt, and Rome all have a very rich culture and history for the world to admire. Okay, you said "Also another reason I choose Korea to travel is to keep learning about my heritage that I know so little about", but the two ideas are separated. You should try combining the two sentences.

"Not only do I wish to try some delicious food that is exclusive to only Korea like Sanche, but to experience snow for the first time of my life in Korea."

What is the significance of experiencing snow for the first time in your life in Korea? What does this tell the admission officer about you?

"Life was hard for me when I was young, not understanding english and going to American school when at that time my tongue spoke only Korean. I was soon forced to quickly adopt and adapt to the white man culture in order to be accepted by my peers and to suceed in the society I live in, however I couldn't celebrate my "achievement" because of my guilt for not embracing the culture that my parents instilled in me. What I hope to gain, aside from knowledge, is to redeem myself from my selfish act and to embrace my national heritage. By visiting this beautiful nation, I hope to enlighten myself of my culture's history and learn its trademark that it left for the world to respect. I hope to improve my linguistic knowledge as I travel on the soil of Korea so I can better communicate and understand my people's heritage, and I hope to make myself a better person and become a worthy representative of Korea in the United States of America."

I feel this paragraph is a bit off topic.

I just believe this essay should be about pursuing your interest in the one year that you are out of school instead of having fun in Korea. After all, one year is a long time.

Also, I have noticed that you like to end sentences with a preposition, which is a no-no in English.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / USC SHORT ANSWER RESPONSE - "to study abroad" [7]

You did answer the prompt, but your answer is weak.

"After finally deciding that I was to study abroad, I had to choose a career or at least a major at some point."

Useless sentence. It neither adds anything to your answer nor does it addresses the prompt.

"My inclinations were towards engineering sciences, since I wasn't any good with literature or social studies."

Also a pretty useless sentence. This is saying "I want to be an engineer because I'm bad at everything else."

"Being a do-a-bit-of-everything individual as I grew up, Industrial Engineering caught my attention as people pointed out to me that it was like several engineering majors combined together."

"do-a-bit-of-everything" should be replaced with a shorter word that conveys the same idea (it's late I can't think of one). "As people pointed out to you?" Did you research it to make sure it's true? If it is, then you don't even need to put "as people pointed out to you" if even they did, because it's wordy. Make it concise.

"I was mostly impressed by the rational way of thinking and looking at everything all the engineers seemed to have, and I for one was eager to have that rational view as a positive trait.

It is a lot of words that doesn't add much to the answer. Math, physics, chemistry, biology, literature analysis, and even philosophy all have a rational way of thinking. So why engineering?

"In my first years, I plan to get an overall idea about engineering before deciding to specialize in a certain field, with the wide range of minors the university is offering. USC combines its strengths of liberal and professional learning in encouraging students to pursue their goals in diverse fields; an inspiring quality which I'm sure would guide me through college."

You just said you wanted to do industrial engineering. Your short answer is contradicting.
What is "liberal and professional learning"?

Sorry for being so critical!

Good luck.

Undergraduate / Common App and how to start the art supplement? [15]

The art supplement differs from school to school. You should check the school's website or call the admission office and ask.

If you have already applied using the school's application, then like zowzow said, you do not need to submit another application using the common app. Remember, if you use the school's application, you also need to use the school's teacher evaluation form, counselor's form, etc.

Undergraduate / Question about grades (lower as senior) and admission [6]

It certainly would not help, because it is a downward trend. Did you get a C in any class or did you just get low B's in every class? A C definitely does not look good. I wouldn't worry so much because most (I'm tempted to say all) colleges takes the whole application into consideration. If you are taking the most rigorous curriculum possible at your school, that might shed some light.

Undergraduate / 'Finance major' - International Student Essay - The Ohio State University [4]

"American universities will provide me with adequate opportunities to conduct studies research in the field of Finance"

"The global financial meltdown experienced by countries worldwide is a main interest of mine. "

Since you already said "global" I don't think "experienced by countries worldwide" is necessary.

"It is my dream to be able to, thoroughthrough the use of these facilities, provide solutions to recessions so that the world citizens do not have to suffer."

I thought recession is a part of the natural economic cycle.

"According to The Times Higher Education, universities in America such as the Ohio State University are ranked among the top universities in the world."

"It is thereforeTherefore, it is clear that, by attending an American university, I would be able to accumulate the knowledge I need to guide me to success."

"For years I had wanted to go to an American university as I have always strived for the best and I believed that this wasis the best for me."

"This would greatly contribute in fulfilling my life goals and aspirations as I would be able to help others and my household attain and uphold financial stability."

This sentence sounds awkward and wordy. I don't know how to fix it.

"I would also be able to, as my icon Jim Cramer does, trade on the stock market for a charity of my choice."

I think someone like Warren Buffett would be better (I believe you know who he is, since you do want to major in finance and invest in the stock market). After all he does plan to donate 85% (I believe) of this wealth to the Melinda and Gates foundation.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / Short Answer Response, two stories. Which one to chose? [18]

I believe that One thing I really do well is investing onin the stock market.

"Despite my age, I was enthused and ready to learn."

The sentences following this sentence doesn't tell the reader how you were "enthused and ready to learn".

This short response has the potential to become a really good short response. I believe you focused a bit too much on the process of your investments, not so much why are you good at investing.

Try to be concise and focus on why are you good at investing and give some examples (which you have done). Why do you think you are so profitable, give the reader a bit more insight.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / Common Application essay- Money [3]

"According to the bible, they will make money their God on earth that they even might skip church for a business meeting or an outing."

This is a fragment. I'm not sure what you are trying to convey.

This essay doesn't tell me much about you. You talked about money and the bible, and gave examples why money and greed is evil, but how does that influence you? How did it change you? The personal statement should tell the reader something about you.

"Some people assume that "money buys happiness". I believe they are mistaken. Although money can make life easier for us, it can never buy happiness. Money doesn't make you happy."

Really? I disagree. I believe not having money will certainly make a person depressed (there are people who suicide who after losing a lot of money). Using this argument, wouldn't having money make them happy? Can people be truly happy if they are in debt and they don't have any income?

"Jesus who knew the human heart better than anyone in the world made it clear that most rich people tend to make wealth their number one priority in life; consequently, they forget all about the Almighty who created them."

Also, I'm not sure if you want to take the bible approach. It is quite opinionated and sounds unscientific. I'm not sure if the admission officers would like that. I guess it would be fine if you are applying to a religion based school.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / "I should have been dead." I've been poisoned. Attacked with blurred vision and slurred tongue... [6]

"Attacked with blurred vision and slurred tongue, I laywas(?)/ lie (somewhere)? dazed and confused"

Are you trying to say you lie down after you were attacked with blurred vision and slurred tongue and became "dazed and confused"?

"The heat, the sweat, the loud sounds, and the(?)anxiety all consumed me."

I feel "all" is an unnecessary word.

"Doctors runningran back and forth, phone calls made left and right, all while I wasbeing carried back from Intensive Care. "

"The sheer terror I felt when I awokewoke up from that coma, was overwhelming, almost traumatizing."

"All until I remained alone in that upcoming darkness of the night."

I don't understand this sentence.

Something happened, I couldn't read the rest of this essay. Sorry!

I hope this helped.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - Sig. Experience (Lego League) [8]

I agree with Samuel that your essay is a bit too long. I am reading a lot of "we" in your essay. The common app personal statement is suppose to tell the admission officers about YOU, your personality and character. This essay tells me a lot about the details of your project, which is unnecessary.

My advice: Make it shorter. Make it more concise. Lastly, focus on your character and personality. Why is that experience significant to you? How did it change you? What did you learn?

Good luck!

Undergraduate / 'Unfortunate beginning' - Common app essay - significant person (my mother) [4]

"The moment my mother walked away from my abusive father for her children, I finally realized what an extraordinary woman she is."

I don't think "finally" is necessary.

"The strength that she displaysdisplayed through the adversities of growing up in a poverty stricken family and her survival in a foreign country greatly shaped my perspective in life."

"Witnessing her battle to live life trying to survive and provide her children with the opportunities that she never had, strengthen my determination to shoot for my dreams. Her passion and drive for knowledge and her unwavering principles of honesty, hard work, and perseverance became my sources of motivation and inspiration."

These two sentence convey the same idea. Try to combine them.

"make my mother's dream come true."

So you are living for your mother, but not yourself?

I quickly scanned through the rest of your essay. It tells me a lot about your mother, but not yourself.

Good luck!

Faq, Help / How long to reply by a moderator or contributor? [9]

Hey Jennifer,

EssayForum: Disclaimer, Privacy Policy, TOS # 12 states: "Due to high volume of essay revision requests, the moderators can only provide ONE revision of your essay. However, you may post subsequent drafts for peer-editing AS LONG AS they are posted in the original thread (otherwise, if you post a revised draft in a new thread, it will be removed)."

Student Talk / Payment Question (it doesn't show up on the Common App site yet) [21]

The common app website will always tell you that you haven't submitted your payment for Harvard. You might have realized that Harvard used a different payment system than the other common app colleges. That is the reason why it doesn't show that you have paid. As long as you received an email confirmation stating that they received the payment, you should be fine.

Undergraduate / Interesting idea? - Argonne National Laboratory and Fermila [6]

I would re-read the essay for grammar mistakes (I don't have the time now). I like the format, but I think you should elaborate on the idea a bit more. Make it sound more intellectual and complex, but understandable at the same time.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / Interesting idea? - Argonne National Laboratory and Fermila [6]

I'm applying to Chicago too! Good luck!

Anyways,
"ideas it is composed of."

Of what?

Also "a knack for procrastination which may see him work up to the deadline on projects" and "However, side effects include: pride which may stem from his achievements and hinder judgementjudgment, possible jealousy due to excessive loyalty..." sounds like you are referring to yourself. Not sure if that is good.

Undergraduate / Check your submissions dates common app posting incorrect dates!? [19]

"As we all know the supplement can't be submitted before the supplement"
What?

Are you sure it is not the download date. Also common app uses eastern time.

Student Talk / Application Question January [127]

I believe most selective universities would care if you don't submit the application before the deadline. They have thousands of applicants who submitted their application before the deadline, why should they treat the ones who miss the deadline differently?

@justinwang
No, it does not mean you have missed the deadline.

Undergraduate / "Yes, master." - Stanford Short Essay (intellectual vitality) [4]

It is PST, because I still have about 50 minutes to submit it =)

Undergraduate / submission question (I my common app at 12:01) [9]

It really depends on the school. Check the admission FAQ page to see if the school addresses that question. I know Stanford does. If not, you can always email them and ask.

Student Talk / Payment Question (it doesn't show up on the Common App site yet) [21]

Are you sure you paid the right college? Check again. Because I paid NYU before I submitted my application, and they allowed me to submit my application afterward. Have you tried logging out and clearing your cookies? Sometimes the common app will become buggy.

Good luck!

Student Talk / Payment Question (it doesn't show up on the Common App site yet) [21]

Oh, don't worry about that. It should say "submitted by xx/xx/xxx" though. As long as you got a confirmation you should be fine. I mean you do have evidence to show you paid the fee on time.

Student Talk / Application Question January [127]

Oh...I'm not sure. It depends on the college. You should call the admission office and ask.

Student Talk / Application Question January [127]

You will be fine as long as you submitted it on 1/1/2009.

Good luck!

Student Talk / Payment Question (it doesn't show up on the Common App site yet) [21]

There are some schools that require you to pay first. NYU is one example.

Undergraduate / Common App supplement (Sentence structure and grammar problems) [4]

What is "Spanish sounds"? Do you mean spanish words or..?

"Maria Maria" sung The Product G&B"
Do you mean by The Product G&B?

"east & west coast rivalry conflict"
You should probably use "and". Interesting, I didn't know there is a "east and west coast rivalry"

"also tells a romantic version of Westside Story"

You mean West Side Story (the musical?)

Good luck!

Undergraduate / Is it ok to use fragments in extracurricular activities? [6]

You listed WAY too many things in your first sentence. I would not recommend using a fragment. It can be interpreted as a weak control of the English language. There are many others methods that you can use for a dramatic effect.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / trait or characteristic / activity engage - NYU SUPPLEMENT [3]

For number 2, focus on a club or organization and tell what you do with it. Instead of saying what you will do, tell HOW you will do it. For instance instead of saying "We can do this by giving shelter to the needy and have can drives, soup drives to homeless centers" talk about fundraisers etc.

"others, introduce herself to new people, etc."
Etc is too informal.

Also, are you sure that NYU doesn't have similar club?

"song i would perform in a talent show"
"I" should be capitalized (obviously).

You should make #4 longer.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / University of Chicago the road essay ("the politics of life") [4]

Haha. Hope to see you at Stern or UChicago. No, I'm not from Singapore.

By the way, you have a habit of capitalizing a lot of things that doesn't need to be capitalized. Remember only proper nouns need to be capitalized (of course, the beginning of a sentence too).

"Chai" and "Vendors" doesn't need to be capitalized.

"Mothers chubby of too much butter" isn't the right way to describe a mother who is fat because she ate too much butter. I don't want to correct it because I will change your style.

"you might be lucky to be caught up during the police check-up"
Do you mean "you might be lucky enough to capture a glimpse of a police check-up"?

"A spy or a messenger comes from uphill, bringing the message of the infrequent raid."

In a canon, the shops clear out their materials out on off the road, andtwo by two (on each side)Suddenly, the street becomessuddenlybecame wider, with only some plastic bags floating around carefreefreely.

Try, quickly or its variants instead of "in a canon". Also this sentence is rather wordy.

"Mothers chubby of too much butter" isn't the right way to describe a mother who is fat because she ate too much butter. I don't want to correct it because I will change your style too much.

Good luck!

PS/Edit: These corrections are for the first draft. I started on it before you posted your second draft.

Undergraduate / University of Chicago the road essay ("the politics of life") [4]

The reason I didn't read the whole thing was because it is hard to follow. Sorry for being so harsh!

I read the rest of it. The last 3 paragraph was way easier to follow. Yes, you did connect all the ideas together in the end, but the transitions between the bottom paragraphs is rather weak in my opinion (I have that problem too). It is a good essay as it stands (if you edit out all the grammatical errors). By smoothing out the transitions, you can make it into an excellent essay.

The reason I am being so harsh is because the essays are REALLY REALLY important for UChicago. It carried more weight than others universities.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / NYU short answer (diversity is critical to my future education) [13]

First, New York City is considered a cultural melting pot. Also, I believe it will more meaningful if you talked about the impact it might have beyond NYC. Lastly, are you sure NYU doesn't have a similar club?

Good luck!

Undergraduate / NYU short answer (diversity is critical to my future education) [13]

I'm not sure if you answered the question.

"I personally value diversity as a critical element of my future education. I believe that people can grow emotionally through human interaction."- Doesn't address the prompt at all.

I would focus on a club, organization, etc and tell how it would impact the larger community.

Good luck!