Essays / Creative TV or radio ad about myself [4]


.... what do you actually review? is it the progress of your mental/emotional and physical health after attending a certain program? This sentence is confusing for me.

I go to a small school (what does this mean? Did you start going to school lately? ), so the teacher has a lot of room to behas more resources and capability to get us to be more creative and make us really think. She gave us an assignment to write aboutpresent ourselves in the form of a tv or radio addan advertisement, which can be either radio or television add .

Undergraduate / How it came to Chemical Engineering - Common App essay [3]

This is just a suggestion for you;
"Don't worry too much about making a decision on your future major. Just follow your heart and choose the one you are passionate about even though you may not be so good at it yet. Failures will help you reach your future goal, the important fact is that you should not withdraw from your efforts and focus until you realize your dream", were the words of my father when he found my dilemma over choosing a major.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: 'bring happiness to my nearest and dearest' - which salary would be better? [4]

It seems you have good writing skills. You have good ideas and excellent grammar and vocabulary. As for the approach, the introduction sounds pretty good. However, I personally feel that you should improve your body paragraphs. You say you wish to have more time with your family by taking up a job with a low salary. So, concentrate more on that and defend this position in the body paras. Begin your body para with the reason as to why you take that stance. Then talk about your parents and sister as examples to justify your reason. You need to keep your body paras more with your topic requirements.

Undergraduate / What is the best piece of advice you have ever received? Why is it important? [2]

There itThis is (remove comma) the most outstanding piece of advice I have ever received.


Well, I find a poor connection between these two sentences :( It is good if you have established a better link between the two ideas :)
On the outsidesurface it issounds like a quite simplisticsimple question, however it goes much deeper than that.

Writing Feedback / Business is an right investment for future despite of the economic crisis [3]

Economic crisis happen everyyear;almost every year and no one can understand it completely.


Well, this is a poor introduction. The reader does not have a clue about what your prompt is talking about. In the introduction, your objective should be to introduce the topic to the reader and state your opinion. In the body paragraphs you give reasons to justify your opinion and support them with examples.

Research Papers / More stressful jobs and reasons behind it - let's discuss the topic [3]

Well, I guess this is an IELTS or TOEFL task as your topic sounds :)
If that is the case, your have to support your reasoning with examples as the task expects in your body paragraphs. So, have your first body para to discuss the reasons and you can even have one common example to support a few reasons. For example, if you say that high cost of living that promotes people to earn more and increasing customer demands are two reasons, you can talk about a guy who works long days to meet both these requirements. Hope you got my point :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: In many countries recently young single people have been living far from their parent [6]

Students and workers mobility is an ever increasing trend.
I believe its advantages outweigh its disadvantages.


Well, I don't find major issues with grammar or vocabulary other than the minor points I cited above. However, I find you do not introduce your prompt to the reader properly. Your prompt is about the impact of young people not living with their parents during adolescence years. The introduction is meant for introducing your prompt to the reader and this one fails to do the job properly. That's my personal view and wait for others' comments :D

Writing Feedback / Some cultures value more the elderly people, while others paid more attention on young generation [5]

It is a little bit difficult to provide more meaningful feedbacks without seeing your full prompt. However, I guess this is an Agree/ Disagree type of topic. If so, I wish you rephrased your thesis statement to express your opinion very clearly to the reader as it is the one that influences your reader to take his thoughts in your desired direction.

Post your full prompt for us to give more feedbacks on your intro.

On the other hand, in some cultures people hold the view that youngsters have to be valued more than old generationpeople as they are more creative, energetic, powerful and adaptable.the future of the world.

Writing Feedback / 'children in Gaza' - Pre-Toefl - Childhood is not always a happiest time of people's life [6]

Yes, I quite agree with Ahmad :) What he has suggested is the most appropriate approach because it helps you earn marks and manage time for the task well.

You show good writing skills, but for TOEFL tasks you need to be more conversant with the approaches you should follow at the exam. Otherwise you would have a problem with scoring. Make sure you have the parts of Intro, Body paras and Conclusion in your essay and in the body paras you defend your opinion by giving reasons and supporting them with examples.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: learning a foreign language early has benefits for an individual but not for the culture [2]

Hi Hiruni - Welcome to Essay Forum and glad to meet someone from Sri Lanka :) ... I and dumi are both from Sri Lanka and we have been with this forum for quite some time and dumi made her way to become a moderator too :)

Ok, as for the approach you need to follow for this task, this is what we suggest you;
Introduction - Begin your essay with an interesting hook which is relevant to your topic. Then introduce the background of the issue by paraphrasing the prompt. Then state your own opinion. Example;

We live in a heavily globalized world today. .... Your hook
Therefore learning foreign languages has become very more important in today's context and some people believe that children should begin to learn a foreign language at the primary school itself rather than waiting to learn it at the secondary school. .... background of the issue

I too agree with this view. ... your opinion

Now, in the body paras, give reasons to justify your opinion and support them with specific examples.

Writing Feedback / Topic: Which better? Living in a city or living in the country? why (150 words) [2]


This should be split into two paras - Firstly and Secondly, should go into two separate paragraphs :)
Firstly, the most common reason why people should choose to live in the cityis due to better employment opportunities.
Getting a desired job and working at well reputed company is the first choice for many people.These jobs are mainlyoften available in developed citiesand not in remote villages.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: One of advertising's drawbacks - purchasing not necessary products [2]

Well, your essay has many issues and the most obvious one is that you have written everything in one bunch :D You've got to separate the paragraphs which is a must requirement for this task. You would score on its organization and accordingly, you need to have an introduction, at least two body paragraphs (2 - 3 paras would be the best) and a conclusion. So, I suggest you to re-write this full essay following that approach and repost it here for us to provide you with more feedbacks :)

Writing Feedback / Some subjects should be optional rather than compulsory [2]

Education has been viewed as one of the most essential elementsaspects of individual and social development.One topic now under debate isHowever, there is an ongoing debate overwetherwhether subjects which are difficult to learn for some people should be optional or compulsory.

Before concluding your introduction, you better state your own opinion too :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1: Life cycle of silkworm and production of silk cloth [2]

You should have followed this approach ...> Introduction, Overview and Detailed paras :)

I can see your introduction, but I don't see your Overview that gives an overall picture about what is presented by the diagram. In the overview you should discuss the main trends or observations very briefly. Do not include any details in the overview.

TheIn the production process of silk cloth, the raw materials for the productionof silk cloth , the cocoons, are selected, boiled in water and then unwound. That They provide withare used to generate threads of about 300-900 mm in length, which are twould be twisted to produce yarn, dyed and weaved.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: 'career preparation' - reasons why people attend to schools [6]

Well, this body para looks pretty heavy :D TOEFL Independent task has a major bearing on time. Therefore you need to manage time efficiently to get a great score at the exam. Had you managed time to complete this task it's fine. Otherwise stick to 4 para structure which helps you earn marks as well as manage time so well.

Writing Feedback / I believe that society has been helped by the invention of the Internet [6]

People have always been worried about the impact whenever any new technology is introduced.

I guess you are preparing for TOEFL or IELTS according to how your topic sounds :) If so, you need to improve the structure of your introduction. In the intro, first introduce the background of the issue. You can do this by simply paraphrasing your prompt. Then state your own opinion directly.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Air travel is becoming more welcomed by common people since its price is going down [5]

In the present-day society, it is believed that air travel has become the best way to travel a farlong distances. Meanwhile, many people assertargue that travelling by air is only beneficial for the rich who can afford it while ordinary people cannot take any advantage of it. Personally, I think the view is overly simplistic.

Your introduction is very well presented. However, the last line which expresses your view on the issue is not very clear to the reader.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: 'food, drink and tobacco' - statistic of expenditure graph [3]


Overall, the category of food, drink and tobacco has recorded the highest percentage of expenditure while leisure and education has recorded the least percentage spending. Turkey has been the country that has recorded the highest in all three categories as against other four countries.

Well, I think you have done a good job. Good approach too :)

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay: advertisements whose target is young children should be banned [3]


Well, this is a very very long sentence and certainly not a prudent way to start your essay. You need to open your essay with an interesting and meaningful sentence which we call a hook that has the ability to hook your reader towards your writing. Long sentences are not at all interesting because the reader requires to remember lots an lots of details you have written in one go :D You should not give reader much work because reader would not like it.

Writing Feedback / keep equal number of man and woman to show the respect for both genders [2]

Where is your prompt? I guess you are preparing for IELTS or TOEFL. It is good to see your full prompt in your thread because then we know exactly what it means.

More opportunities are rendered to women and female'stheir position is being raised in society compared to the past.
They can equip themselves with knowledge and ability,consequently, more works are offered to them, thus their position is raising.rising.

"rise" and "raise" mean close, but slightly different. Here's an explanation;
Rise refers to something being moved upwards or an amount of something being increased. For example, to say that the sun rises and hot air rises refers to the action of these objects moving upwards.

Raise refers to something being moved to a higher position or something getting improved. For example, to say that you raise your hand or your voice refers to the action of moving your hand or voice to a higher level than previously. Or, you might refer to a need to raise efficiency in the factory, when factory efficiency needs to improve.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: bar chart - average retirement age among seven countries in 2004 and 2008 [5]

Well, I think you need to follow a more appropriate structure for this task. This is what dumi and I generally suggest for this task;

Introduction - Introduce your graph briefly. (tell the type of graph and what it presents) Mention the time duration if there is any.
Overview - Describe the main trend/trends of the graph. Do not have any details like data or figures in this part. Try to give an overview of the entire graphical presentation

Detail Paras - Describe trends with more details.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] 'Long-term positive effects of culture' - should tourist obey local customs and behaviors? [3]

You have excellent writing skills :)
A few suggestions from me;
Many people hold firmly the belief that countries thatwhich open the door to the influx of foreign visitors should welcome the diversity of cultures coming alongside. ...."that" is getting repeated too soon :D

I think you have nothing to worry about this task. You are ready for it :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: How British people spending their money on fast foods? Chart [5]

The chart indicates the average expenditure on fast foods related to income groups in Britain.

... as dumi always advises, adopt a more reporting style of writing to answer this task. This task is aimed at assessing your report writing capabilities. So keep your writing more formal and concise. You can be more descriptive in the Task 2. So, avoid phrases like "First, Second...etc."

Writing Feedback / Today's charity - support made by wealthy nations must be voluntary [4]

Money flow to the poorest nations in African and Asian continents riseshas risen magnificently during the last decade.


Well... this sentence is pretty confusing.... it is not conveying a clear idea.... you have grammar errors too :(

You have a tendency to combine too many ideas and put them all in one sentence. That gets you to make grammatical mistakes and have a poor flow of ideas. You need to concentrate more on clarity of your ideas and sentences. That is what helps you arouse reader's interest in your writing.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; School teachers used to be the source of information [3]

In the past few decades, teachers arewere considered to be the main rolesfigures in the process of delivering knowledge. But now there is a view that students can acquire knowledge from the other wayssources tooinstead of teachers. Personally, I think teachers are still importantfor us because of some irreplaceable factors.still pay an important role in delivering knowledge to the students.

Writing Feedback / parents were busier in the past - nowadays more of them are involved in their children's education [8]

OMG.... I'm sorry about making that comment. I totally missed out the word


Thanks Ahmad for pointing out that and I apologize to peyman for my error. Please disregard my comment.

Writing Feedback / If people have opportunity to get a secure job, they should take it right awayI [5]


.... well, I have a problem with this sentence. I agree that secure job is not necessarily be a motivating factor. However, it is certainly helps a person being demotivated. What if a person doing a job which does not provide him any job security? Wouldn't that be a mental agony for that person? So, I think this is how you should put this idea to the reader;

Secure job alone does not makes a person motivated.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Share expenditure for selected categories in four countries [9]

A closer look at the data reveals that Canadians spent muchmore money for the cost of transportation at around 20 percent of share expenditure, while Japanese recorded the lowest percentage of spending on this category andthough it could be seen doubled amount of Canada's transportation figure.

Good writing :) When is your exam?

Undergraduate / Is it true, that one can always find opportunity, even in trouble? [3]

Troubles are part of our life. (good hook) Everyone has got problems and issuestroubles( I removed the word troubles as I find it is a bit repetitive) in their life but it doesn't mean they loose their hope for the sake of the problems, they are going throughfor a better future. One should always try to overcome the troubles (no comma) they are facing, in a way that no one get hurts. It's necessary to be calm and patient when you are even in trouble because one can't find anywouldn't find the best solution in panic.

Writing Feedback / parents were busier in the past - nowadays more of them are involved in their children's education [8]

Well, I find these ideas are not relevant to your topic. In the prompt which is -


, it is not anywhere mentioned that it talks about education. It talks about the parents' involvement with their children in which education can be just one aspect. Parents' involvement includes education, health and physical fitness, mental and emotional development of the child, social skills, positive behavior and so on. So, do not narrow down the scope of your prompt to one particular aspect. Read the prompt very carefully and introduce the right idea to the reader through your intro.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Letter to a friend - he agreed to look after your house and pet [3]


... don't you thank this person for undertaking such great responsibilities? :D
I am so glad that you agreed to look after my pet and the house while I am away and thank you so much for that. You indeed are a great friend.


... tell him the return date too;

As planned, I will be leaving on the 3rd March and be back on the 5th April. I have cleaned up the house and made all arrangements for you to have a comfortable stay in my house during my absence. In any emergency, you may ring me on 0049755478. This is the number of my cousin, Faith with whom I will be staying.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Tourism: good or bad? - it's a modern form of colonialism [14]


I feel the middle part of this sentence is a bit overly done :( ...."nourishment of the sceneries"? ... I agree with dumi on this;


Also, in this second para, you talk about the other side of the argument. However, your prompt asks you to -


and in the introduction you say -


... So, why do you talk about the opposite side of your view? In the body paras, you need to keep defending your view by giving reasons as to why you hold that view and supporting those reasons with examples.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Introductions; living in modern world/ world poverty/ traffic problem [6]


every aspect / all aspects
The twentieth century has seen a lot ofmany great changes taken place in every aspectsaspect of life.
This causes both travelling difficultydifficulties and enviromentalenvironmental damages.

Your approach for the first two essays looks alright. However, in the third one, you do not introduce the background of the issue adequately. Before expressing your own opinion on the issue, introduce the issue to the reader.

I find you write extremely well. Move into the other parts of the essay - body paras and the conclusion

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: The number of visitors to three London museums. [8]


... It is better you compared both Natural history museum and Science museum to give it a more complete finish. Also, the figure for Natural history museum is wrong here. It should be 550000 visitors. Science museum had 400000 :) You have to be very very careful with figures in this task ! This is what I suggest;

In June, British museum recorded the highest number of visitors in comparison with Natural history museum and Science museum, which accounted to 600,000 people. The Natural history museum had nearly 400,000 visitors and the Science museum, which recorded the least number of visitors, had been visited by 400000 people.

Undergraduate / This is my personal statement prompt 1; My grandfather Lee [5]

Elderly man told us that nine years ago, he hasn'twasn't feeling longelylonely because there arewere more than 500 pieces of warm hearts to accompany him. Our arrival brought a lot of joy to him. In fact, for us, his dependence and likegratitude mademakes us satisfactionextremely pleased ,too.

Writing Feedback / GRE Essay: Scandals are useful because they focus our attention [3]

It certainly brings to focus, the issues that existsexist in society but are often not highlighted enough for common man.

Impressive introduction :)


... why do you have two paras for these ideas? The first one is one reason you choose to justify your position on the issue and second one is the example you use to support that reason. They both speak the same idea and hence they should be in one para.

Undergraduate / ready for a new start ~ readmit essay [2]

Having just graduated from high school, I thought I could handle a full 18 hour course load as well aswhile maintaining a full time job.

Once the semester began, I felt a little overwhelmed, but I thought I could toughrough it out.


... I wish you link this better with the whole idea to arrange a smoother flow.
When the grades got affected, I realized my decisions were not so practical.

Undergraduate / How my family shaped who I am today [3]


It is my father's influence that shaped me into the person who I am today.


He was not there all the time,but still managed to have food on the table.


.... What does this mean? She left for what? work? or did she leave you all too? You need to rephrase this sentence as it is not very clear :(

Letters / How to write a formal apology letter? Explaining a catering problem [4]

First, you need to do drafts for these and post them here. Then we can provide our feedbacks as to how you can improve.
Please accept this letter as our formal apology for whatthe incident that took place athappened on {location, event, issue, etc...} on {MM/DD/YYYY}. While this is by no means an excuse for {my behavior, what happened, etc...}justifying the unfortunate scene, we feel knowing the cause will help us guard against future mistakes.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL writing: Handmade objects are more beneficial than machine made ones [4]

It's good if you included the prompt in your post so that we get a clear idea as to what it expects from you. Your topic alone is not enough for that purpose. I assume this is Agree/Disagree type of essay.

Overall, I think this essay is very well written. You have excellent grammar and impressive vocabulary. Have you managed time and finished this in 30 mins?