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Posts by Pahan
Joined: Nov 28, 2012
Last Post: Sep 3, 2014
Threads: 1
Posts: 1,906  
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From: Sri Lanka

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Pahan   
Sep 3, 2014
Writing Feedback / All kinds of medical health expenditures should be borne by the government; do you agree or not . [6]

There are many strong reasons that can compel one to espousalsupportof the statement. FirstlyFirst,Limitedwith limited income, a poor or an aged person aremay not be able to take proper treatment in case of their poverty and sorry to say that finally meet with dead , by this time microbes are spread out everywhere which is a big thread for any country. when they are sick. (avoid lengthening your sentences unnecessarily.... it disturbs your flow and confuses the reader)
Pahan   
Sep 1, 2014
Essays / Creative TV or radio ad about myself [4]

In my health class, we're reviewing mental/emotional and physical health.

.... what do you actually review? is it the progress of your mental/emotional and physical health after attending a certain program? This sentence is confusing for me.

I go to a small school (what does this mean? Did you start going to school lately? ), so the teacher has a lot of room to behas more resources and capability to get us to be more creative and make us really think. She gave us an assignment to write aboutpresent ourselves in the form of a tv or radio addan advertisement, which can be either radio or television add .
Pahan   
Sep 1, 2014
Undergraduate / How it came to Chemical Engineering - Common App essay [3]

I remembered my father's advice regarding my dilemma in choosing university major during my sophomore year in high school, "Don't think too hard about your future major. Choose one that you enjoy the most even though you are not good at it yet. I promise you that failure will have its place in your future, but do not give up and keep your focus in achieving your future dream."Hearing my father's advice, I felt like being stomped by a huge rock. Initially I was afraid to be overwhelmed by the major I am about to choose.

This is just a suggestion for you;
"Don't worry too much about making a decision on your future major. Just follow your heart and choose the one you are passionate about even though you may not be so good at it yet. Failures will help you reach your future goal, the important fact is that you should not withdraw from your efforts and focus until you realize your dream", were the words of my father when he found my dilemma over choosing a major.
Pahan   
Sep 1, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Strict regulations can effectively reduce the problem of overfishing by large corporations [4]

Overfishing has caused severe problems to our society in multiple ways and in this essay, I will explain these problems and some solutions to avoid this growing problem.

... Well, I think you could present the latter part in a more creative way. This sounds a bit too stereotype.

Before these problems reach extreme levels, it is our moral responsibility to identify solutions for this menace.

.... something like this would be ideal .... Introduction is very important for you to impress your reader about your writing skills :)

Such unethical approach by people with responsibility leads to considerable damage to the biological cycleecological balance( or balance in the ecosystem), in which ocean and its living organisms play a vital part.

You have excellent writing skills. I think you are ready for this task already :D
Pahan   
Aug 25, 2014
Writing Feedback / 'I'm really keen on cook since I was a little girl' - Describe a hobby [3]

I'm really keen on cooking since I was a little girl. I usually learn how to cook by searching the recopies and cooking demonstration on the Internet ,reading recipes and also watching a tv showTV shows on cooking ,which is quite famous in Taiwan. For this hobby, I need to prepare a sort of materials such as vegetable meat and seafood, and seasoning like salt and pepperI am very fascinated with the various methods people use for seasoning the food to make them delicious and more edible. I enjoy cooking because iI can make deliciouscook tasty and healthy food for my family. Sometimes when I try some new recipes what iI learned from tv show TV shows, my family will give me some advicetoo contribute to that experience with their advice and help enriching the whole experience.
Pahan   
Aug 24, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: new factory will enhance the quality of life and our town's image promotion [4]

Some people who disagree with the idea of building of the factory argued argue (keep it in present tense as your prompt sounds) that our town is bound to be polluted. However, I believedbelieve that the factory will take large-scale measurements to purify the wastes and smoke. High technology has made this process easier to be carried out. We also have laws and charges if the factory fails to reduce the pollution they will be fined for not following regulations.

You can write very well :)
Pahan   
Aug 24, 2014
Undergraduate / Here, in the movie theater is where I feel the most satisfaction, the most joy, the most comfort [8]

It's dim and all I can see is the big screen in front of me and the shadows of the people seating in front ofseatedaround me.

I am in the very top row in the middle, excited for the movie to begin.

Here I am, waiting excitedly for the curtain to roll up.

It's dim and all I can see is the big screen in front of me and the people seating in front of me. I am in the very top row in the middle, excited for the movie to begin. I drink in the delicious aroma of movie theater popcorn that is in the air. The excitement of the crowd is palpable as all the lights go down. I sit back on the scratchy cushioned seat and drift into another world as the movie begins. And I begin to escape from the real world.

Well, I don't know whether you have a word count. However, I feel you should cut down on the description about the movie theater of the one you've done above. You need to relate yourself, your feelings and connections to the place more.
Pahan   
Aug 24, 2014
Writing Feedback / People nowadays don't spend too much time on their personal enjoyment because they can't - TPO [3]

Nowadays,the view that people are spending too much time on things they like to do rather than things they should do is becoming widely spreaded and even generally accepted, while i don't feel this way on account of following reasons.

This is not a strong introduction. It is just one long sentence too :( You need to write an effective intro as it is going to make the first impression about your writing to the reader. I think you need to re-do this one!

To begin with, sometimes people might have to spend most of their time on things they should do because they arecannot affordnot affordable to the things they like to do. ...

Again, what does this sentence mean? You need to come up with a strong argument here to convince your reader.... This is not clear :(
Pahan   
Aug 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS - Compulsory voluntary work is a contradiction, and not only in a literal way [5]

On one hand, the purpose of community service or any form of voluntary work is a question still upopen for debate. It's theWhat is the primary goal of such community work?primer goalIs it to help those who are being aidedin need or to enrich the personality ofpersonally the volunteers?

I've said "at least" because making these services mandatory could even affect the other half of the purpose of volunteer work. The warm glow effect, as cynical as it is, explains why so many people are regular volunteers: they feel good about themselves.

Well, I see you can write very well. I like your ideas and sentence structures .... But your writing sound more of a speech than an essay :( I think you need to work on the tone of your writing to suit it more for essays.
Pahan   
Aug 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: 'bring happiness to my nearest and dearest' - which salary would be better? [4]

It seems you have good writing skills. You have good ideas and excellent grammar and vocabulary. As for the approach, the introduction sounds pretty good. However, I personally feel that you should improve your body paragraphs. You say you wish to have more time with your family by taking up a job with a low salary. So, concentrate more on that and defend this position in the body paras. Begin your body para with the reason as to why you take that stance. Then talk about your parents and sister as examples to justify your reason. You need to keep your body paras more with your topic requirements.
Pahan   
Aug 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Finding a good job and increasing the knowledge are the main reasons for study [4]

First of all, people want to enter to theattend university to improve their knowledge. These people want to learn more about their favorite subject and gain specialized knowledge in that disciplineof the knowledge. For example, I have been always interested in learning Physics and I hope to progressacquire more advance knowledge in this major by entering to theenrolling myself with a PHD program.

Second of all , many people attend the college and university to find a job easily after graduation. Finding a job in our society is both very challenging and difficult. Now, having a credible degree from a university is a very important factor that can increase theone's chances of finding a good job. For example, I graduated from a highly-rankedreputed university and so it is much easier for me to find a good job than a person without a degree from a college or university.

All in all, There are a lot of reasons for attending to the university andor college, but both finding a good job and increasing the knowledge are the main reasons for this issue.
Pahan   
Aug 17, 2014
Undergraduate / What is the best piece of advice you have ever received? Why is it important? [2]

There itThis is (remove comma) the most outstanding piece of advice I have ever received.

There it is, the most outstanding piece of advice I have ever received. At one point or another, every single person is asked the same question.

Well, I find a poor connection between these two sentences :( It is good if you have established a better link between the two ideas :)
On the outsidesurface it issounds like a quite simplisticsimple question, however it goes much deeper than that.
Pahan   
Aug 1, 2014
Writing Feedback / Business is an right investment for future despite of the economic crisis [3]

Economic crisis happen everyyear;almost every year and no one can understand it completely.

Economic crisis happen everyyear; no one can understand completely. So that is a risky choice to purchase. However, if I have money enough, I will invest in business because I might make more money; I also would like to be many challenges in busines, and help the unemployed.

Well, this is a poor introduction. The reader does not have a clue about what your prompt is talking about. In the introduction, your objective should be to introduce the topic to the reader and state your opinion. In the body paragraphs you give reasons to justify your opinion and support them with examples.
Pahan   
Aug 1, 2014
Research Papers / More stressful jobs and reasons behind it - let's discuss the topic [3]

Well, I guess this is an IELTS or TOEFL task as your topic sounds :)
If that is the case, your have to support your reasoning with examples as the task expects in your body paragraphs. So, have your first body para to discuss the reasons and you can even have one common example to support a few reasons. For example, if you say that high cost of living that promotes people to earn more and increasing customer demands are two reasons, you can talk about a guy who works long days to meet both these requirements. Hope you got my point :)
Pahan   
Aug 1, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: In many countries recently young single people have been living far from their parent [6]

Students and workers mobility is an ever increasing trend.
I believe its advantages outweigh its disadvantages.

Students and workers mobility is ever increasing trend. In current economic climate it has become more common for young adults to relocate. This is often due to local circumstance or the desire to gain higher education for their later careers. I believe it advantages outweigh its disadvantages.

Well, I don't find major issues with grammar or vocabulary other than the minor points I cited above. However, I find you do not introduce your prompt to the reader properly. Your prompt is about the impact of young people not living with their parents during adolescence years. The introduction is meant for introducing your prompt to the reader and this one fails to do the job properly. That's my personal view and wait for others' comments :D
Pahan   
Jul 31, 2014
Writing Feedback / Some cultures value more the elderly people, while others paid more attention on young generation [5]

It is a little bit difficult to provide more meaningful feedbacks without seeing your full prompt. However, I guess this is an Agree/ Disagree type of topic. If so, I wish you rephrased your thesis statement to express your opinion very clearly to the reader as it is the one that influences your reader to take his thoughts in your desired direction.

Post your full prompt for us to give more feedbacks on your intro.

On the other hand, in some cultures people hold the view that youngsters have to be valued more than old generationpeople as they are more creative, energetic, powerful and adaptable.the future of the world.
Pahan   
Jul 31, 2014
Writing Feedback / 'children in Gaza' - Pre-Toefl - Childhood is not always a happiest time of people's life [6]

Yes, I quite agree with Ahmad :) What he has suggested is the most appropriate approach because it helps you earn marks and manage time for the task well.

You show good writing skills, but for TOEFL tasks you need to be more conversant with the approaches you should follow at the exam. Otherwise you would have a problem with scoring. Make sure you have the parts of Intro, Body paras and Conclusion in your essay and in the body paras you defend your opinion by giving reasons and supporting them with examples.
Pahan   
Jul 27, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: learning a foreign language early has benefits for an individual but not for the culture [4]

Hi Hiruni - Welcome to Essay Forum and glad to meet someone from Sri Lanka :) ... I and dumi are both from Sri Lanka and we have been with this forum for quite some time and dumi made her way to become a moderator too :)

Ok, as for the approach you need to follow for this task, this is what we suggest you;
Introduction - Begin your essay with an interesting hook which is relevant to your topic. Then introduce the background of the issue by paraphrasing the prompt. Then state your own opinion. Example;

We live in a heavily globalized world today. .... Your hook
Therefore learning foreign languages has become very more important in today's context and some people believe that children should begin to learn a foreign language at the primary school itself rather than waiting to learn it at the secondary school. .... background of the issue

I too agree with this view. ... your opinion

Now, in the body paras, give reasons to justify your opinion and support them with specific examples.
Pahan   
Jul 27, 2014
Writing Feedback / Topic: Which better? Living in a city or living in the country? why (150 words) [2]

Firstly, the most common reason why people should choose...

This should be split into two paras - Firstly and Secondly, should go into two separate paragraphs :)
Firstly, the most common reason why people should choose to live in the cityis due to better employment opportunities.
Getting a desired job and working at well reputed company is the first choice for many people.These jobs are mainlyoften available in developed citiesand not in remote villages.
Pahan   
Jul 27, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS - mobile phones: faster communication vs social problems [6]

Furthermore, the growing number of mobilesmobile games will impact theirthe mental development of children negatively. For instance, there are many game applications available online and many of them are quite aggressive in nature. In these games, children are rewarded to help their characters towhen they kill or shoot monsters or characters controlled by other players, and this manymay lead to development of aggressive and inhumane feelings, thoughts and behaviors.
Pahan   
Jul 27, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: One of advertising's drawbacks - purchasing not necessary products [2]

Well, your essay has many issues and the most obvious one is that you have written everything in one bunch :D You've got to separate the paragraphs which is a must requirement for this task. You would score on its organization and accordingly, you need to have an introduction, at least two body paragraphs (2 - 3 paras would be the best) and a conclusion. So, I suggest you to re-write this full essay following that approach and repost it here for us to provide you with more feedbacks :)
Pahan   
Jul 27, 2014
Writing Feedback / Some subjects should be optional rather than compulsory [2]

Education has been viewed as one of the most essential elementsaspects of individual and social development.One topic now under debate isHowever, there is an ongoing debate overwetherwhether subjects which are difficult to learn for some people should be optional or compulsory.

Before concluding your introduction, you better state your own opinion too :)
Pahan   
Jul 24, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1: Life cycle of silkworm and production of silk cloth [2]

You should have followed this approach ...> Introduction, Overview and Detailed paras :)

I can see your introduction, but I don't see your Overview that gives an overall picture about what is presented by the diagram. In the overview you should discuss the main trends or observations very briefly. Do not include any details in the overview.

TheIn the production process of silk cloth, the raw materials for the productionof silk cloth , the cocoons, are selected, boiled in water and then unwound. That They provide withare used to generate threads of about 300-900 mm in length, which are twould be twisted to produce yarn, dyed and weaved.
Pahan   
Jul 24, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: If young children did not get in touch with technology, their creation would not develop [4]

Firstly, technology is full of mysticmystery and attractive for children (stop here)theyThey always want to know how to make it by themselves get excited about technology and have a desire to experiment with i t. (stop) ,

Your body paras look too heavy. You would run into problems if you drag too much in one part of the essay. You need to follow a proper approach if you are keen on earning marks and managing time.
Pahan   
Jul 24, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: 'career preparation' - reasons why people attend to schools [6]

Well, this body para looks pretty heavy :D TOEFL Independent task has a major bearing on time. Therefore you need to manage time efficiently to get a great score at the exam. Had you managed time to complete this task it's fine. Otherwise stick to 4 para structure which helps you earn marks as well as manage time so well.
Pahan   
Jul 22, 2014
Writing Feedback / I believe that society has been helped by the invention of the Internet [6]

People have always been worried about the impact whenever any new technology is introduced.

I guess you are preparing for TOEFL or IELTS according to how your topic sounds :) If so, you need to improve the structure of your introduction. In the intro, first introduce the background of the issue. You can do this by simply paraphrasing your prompt. Then state your own opinion directly.
Pahan   
Jul 22, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Air travel is becoming more welcomed by common people since its price is going down [5]

In the present-day society, it is believed that air travel has become the best way to travel a farlong distances. Meanwhile, many people assertargue that travelling by air is only beneficial for the rich who can afford it while ordinary people cannot take any advantage of it. Personally, I think the view is overly simplistic.

Your introduction is very well presented. However, the last line which expresses your view on the issue is not very clear to the reader.
Pahan   
Jul 22, 2014
Writing Feedback / Toefl writing is my weakness, hope you can help me, the question is written in the message. [5]

Technology and economy are growing up while challenges are becoming more and more difficult, so people today have to face more and more dares than before

... this is a very confusing sentence :( You need to rephrase this line as it does not convey any clear idea :(

Compare my life and the life when my grandparents were children! When they are children, what they had to do after school was finishingto finish their homework and playedplay with their friends. But for nowme , after I finishedfinish my homework, I need to have extra classes because other students do this that means if I do not do this, I will lose in the future.to stay in competition with my fellow students.
Pahan   
Jul 22, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: 'food, drink and tobacco' - statistic of expenditure graph [3]

It is clear that larger percentages of the expenditure were spent on food, drink and tobacco, whilst leisure and education accounted for only mere minorities. Interestingly, Spain had the lowest ratio for the latter.

Overall, the category of food, drink and tobacco has recorded the highest percentage of expenditure while leisure and education has recorded the least percentage spending. Turkey has been the country that has recorded the highest in all three categories as against other four countries.

Well, I think you have done a good job. Good approach too :)
Pahan   
Jul 20, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS - Celebrities & Their Influences [5]

First of all, it is true that people use their money to become an inspirationfamous are definitely not a good mirrorrole models for young people.

In conclusion, people without talents cannot be famous in this changingmodern dynamic world and to be accreditedbecome role models they need to contribute positively to young generation.

You seem to be having very good vocabulary and grammar :)
Pahan   
Jul 20, 2014
Writing Feedback / The chart shows vast difference in the level of skilled vocational diploma [7]

.... hey ... there's nothing at all .... give another try using "Attach file(s)" tool in the Message block.

The given chart illustrates the ratio of men and women who held the different sorts of post-school certificates in Australia in 1999.

This seems to be a good introduction. But without seeing the graph I cannot validate what you've written in it :D

Firstly, there were a vast difference in the level of skilled vocational diploma that females held only 10% qualifications while males had 90% documents. however, the ratio of men and women were almost equal in bachelors degree which 51% and 52% respectively.

.... Before this, write an Overview which gives an overall idea about the graph. It should speak about the main trends, but very briefly and without the details. Don't have details like percentages and other data in an Overview.
Pahan   
Jul 20, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: In which areas people made important progress? [6]

Today,Itit is undeniable that human beings are expericingexperiencing a stable improvement in many areasfields(no comma) such as in the fields of medicine sciences,technological breakthroughs and changes on working or studying patterns , business, engineering etc.

Although using the intelligence of people on scientific research and development of high-technology is the most meaningful progress,there are many other fields need to be explored by people to make some breakthrough.

Your idea does not flow well, rather it does not deliver your idea clearly. You need to rephrase this last line.
Pahan   
Jul 20, 2014
Writing Feedback / Toefl essay: advertisements whose target is young children should be banned [4]

Nowadays, the advertisements in our daily life become more and more various, even some adults cannot recognize which advertisements are fake and which are true, so how can a young child distinguish them?

Well, this is a very very long sentence and certainly not a prudent way to start your essay. You need to open your essay with an interesting and meaningful sentence which we call a hook that has the ability to hook your reader towards your writing. Long sentences are not at all interesting because the reader requires to remember lots an lots of details you have written in one go :D You should not give reader much work because reader would not like it.
Pahan   
Jul 20, 2014
Writing Feedback / keep equal number of man and woman to show the respect for both genders [2]

Where is your prompt? I guess you are preparing for IELTS or TOEFL. It is good to see your full prompt in your thread because then we know exactly what it means.

More opportunities are rendered to women and female'stheir position is being raised in society compared to the past.
They can equip themselves with knowledge and ability,consequently, more works are offered to them, thus their position is raising.rising.

"rise" and "raise" mean close, but slightly different. Here's an explanation;
Rise refers to something being moved upwards or an amount of something being increased. For example, to say that the sun rises and hot air rises refers to the action of these objects moving upwards.

Raise refers to something being moved to a higher position or something getting improved. For example, to say that you raise your hand or your voice refers to the action of moving your hand or voice to a higher level than previously. Or, you might refer to a need to raise efficiency in the factory, when factory efficiency needs to improve.
Pahan   
Jul 18, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: bar chart - average retirement age among seven countries in 2004 and 2008 [5]

Well, I think you need to follow a more appropriate structure for this task. This is what dumi and I generally suggest for this task;

Introduction - Introduce your graph briefly. (tell the type of graph and what it presents) Mention the time duration if there is any.
Overview - Describe the main trend/trends of the graph. Do not have any details like data or figures in this part. Try to give an overview of the entire graphical presentation

Detail Paras - Describe trends with more details.
Pahan   
Jul 17, 2014
Writing Feedback / TEXT Messages - novelty for us [4]

But, just put "prompt" on the top? Okay! Thank you!

Have you included the prompt on the top here in this essay? Is it "

Ever since the arrival of modern texting, the human communication became easier than formerly. More and more the time has been priority for new technologies such as in the begin with email, generally waited two days to receive an answer, but today the messages are instant.

" .... not very clear :(

Although many people condemnconsider texting as a negative trend nowadays, it has brought many benefits for us such as possibility to improve skills over writing. To people thatwho want to improve their English language skills, like exchange students, texting can be a good way to learn rules from native language.
Pahan   
Jul 17, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: How British people spending their money on fast foods? Chart [5]

The chart indicates the average expenditure on fast foods related to income groups in Britain.

... as dumi always advises, adopt a more reporting style of writing to answer this task. This task is aimed at assessing your report writing capabilities. So keep your writing more formal and concise. You can be more descriptive in the Task 2. So, avoid phrases like "First, Second...etc."
Pahan   
Jul 15, 2014
Writing Feedback / Today's charity - support made by wealthy nations must be voluntary [4]

Money flow to the poorest nations in African and Asian continents riseshas risen magnificently during the last decade.

However the process of controlling whether the cash reaches its final destination is still does not work.

Well... this sentence is pretty confusing.... it is not conveying a clear idea.... you have grammar errors too :(

You have a tendency to combine too many ideas and put them all in one sentence. That gets you to make grammatical mistakes and have a poor flow of ideas. You need to concentrate more on clarity of your ideas and sentences. That is what helps you arouse reader's interest in your writing.

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