Scholarship / I am more than qualified for this scholarship;Why i should Get this scholarship [3]

Well, here you only express that you need the scholarship, but it does not really justify why you deserve this scholarship. You need to let them feel that you deserve winning it. So, tell why you need it - tell how difficult it is without this scholarship and also have more emotions in your writing for them to understand that you are committed to achieve your goals and this scholarship helps you in that task.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Your job brings you more happiness that your social life does [5]

In your body paras, you should give reasons to justify your opinion on the issue and then support them with specific examples.

Undergraduate / Room 209, where I studied Commercial Art and Advertising, was my sanctuary [3]


Well, I find all these things tell more general stuff and nothing specific about you. Your admission guys may have heard all these things million times and may get bored reading them over and over again. I wish you take more focus on to yourself. What is the place you are perfectly content? Why that place make you feel so? Those are the primary things they would want to know to understand you as a person. So, you need to portray your personality through this favorite place :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: animal experiments & animal rights [7]


What do you mean by this? Do you mean my suggestion on your intro and the conclusion were inappropriate? If you think so, I would like to know your points because they would help me understand whether I am advising people in the right direction. I hope you would explain why you feel so, if my suggestion were inappropriate. I am requesting you to do that in a positive spirit with curiosity to know why you think so :)

Writing Feedback / Some people believe that children's leisure activities must be educational [6]

In addition what dumi said above, it is always better to include your full prompt or the question together with your writing. It provides us a good understanding about what the question really requires from you and accordingly they can align their comments.

Firstly, being strong in physically strong is a precursor to a young person even forto perform better in educational activities as well.
In addition to this, non-educational doingsactivities enhance child'smentallymental capacity and, it is a blessing for a country's future.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: 'right proportion of raw materials'; Cement and Concrete production [5]

Yes of course.... Here it should be always the diagram and not graph or chart. There are six types of essays for this task;
1. Line graphs
2. Bar charts
3. Pie charts
4. Table
5. Flow chart
6. Diagrams (like this task)
There can be combination of these two - e.g. Line graph +bar chart

Writing Feedback / Should all young adults require to perform national services? [3]

Also, what is the purpose of writing this essay? Is this a practice essay for TOEFL or IELTS? If so, this essay may be too lengthy because those exams have a major bearing on time and you need to finish them in about 30 mins. If this is written for one of those exams, then you better cut down your body paragraphs. Follow dumi's approach as it is the best to earn a good score and save time as well :)

Writing Feedback / [Toefl] It is not necessary for university students to attend classes ...... [7]

Your writing is totally out of topic. You have not understood the prompt well. Read it carefully and try to understand what it asks you.


Ok, let's follow dumi's approach :)
Many universities are very keen on maintaining a high level of student attendance in the classes. (hook) However, some people argue that attendance should not be a mandatory requirement at tertiary level of education. They argue that the main objective should be passing the examination and if the students can manage that without attending classes, then they should be allowed to do so. (Background). In my personal view, I believe that it is necessary for the students to attend classes at the university for several important reasons. (Thesis statement)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: traditional skills and ways of life die out because of technology [5]


... this is the statement that explains the background of the issue.
Better present this as a statement subject to argument because you are supposed to tell the reader about your opinion on this.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Nature or nurture is more influential in children education? [5]

We inherit certain characteristics and our abilitiesskills from our parents.
Many great artists as well as musicians belong tocome from families who have the same skills they possess.that are with such artistic backgrounds.

On the other hand, people need to benurturedtraining to reach their fullest potential.

Writing Feedback / Watching movies vs. reading the original books [4]

Second of allSecondly , are nearlythe movie can take about maximumtwo hours and the film director cannot possibly accommodate every detail in the original book into the story line of the movie. Not only that the movie would exclude less sensational scenes to attract its audience, and so the producer of the movie will be forced to delete many scenes, which is very frustrationg .

Writing Feedback / GRE Essay: major cities study to learn characteristics of a society [5]

....let me too give my inputs for this ;
... well, the first line is fine as it directly relates to your topic. But your example is some what vague. Your topic is more focused on the fact that major cities provide people a good understanding about its society. So, talking about educational institutes in major cities is some what a vague evidence. Educational institute, for example the universities, do not necessarily represent the features of that particular society because they can even be branches of some foreign entities and can have the influence of those societies.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Are changes negative or positive??? [6]

Many people all over the world are tend to consider changes as a very positive trend, while others try to avoid them. ... Good approach for intro :)

In other words, after changing something it might be difficult to adapt into it the new environment and as a result, it may cause some very serious health problems.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL WRITING] Technology create more problem than it solves? [6]


... very good hook :)


... I think you had meant "revolution", not "evolution" as evolution never stops. Evolution means "the gradual development of something" and Revolution means "an instance of revolving". There had been several industrial revolutions and new technologies do evolve almost every minute.

Further, I like if you improve the presentation of the second line in this background part of the intro.

Writing Feedback / Being a celebrity has plenty of benefits than downsides [6]

Alright :D ... What I gave you in my previous post is also a suggestion ....lol ....let's do a model intro for you;
Many people dream of becoming a celebrity (hook) However, being a celebrity is not always advantages and there are many issues that come along with fame. (background) Although celebrities have got to face such challenges, especially with regard to their privacy, I believe the advantages of being a celebrity outweigh the disadvantages (thesis statement)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Children from poorer families are more successful in the future life. [7]


Hey... you've got feedbacks from at least three guys :D Something is better than nothing ....LOL
To begin with, children coming from poorer families are more prone to have bad habits such as: crime, thievery and thuggery.get into bad behaviors such as thuggery, stealing, drug addiction etc. due to the socio-economic pressures they face.

In conclusion, I disagree with the opinion that children who are brought up in less well-ofwell off families are, likely, more successful in the future life due to aforementioned reasons.

You write too well and that's why you get lesser number of comments :D

Writing Feedback / Problems overrellance on cars can cause/suggest at least one possible solution. [5]

becauseof all these causes,Due to these reasons, government needs to take certain actions to preventusing many cars and personal avtomobiles.discourage people of using private cars. First of all, government should increase public transportaiontransportation systemsmodels such as bus, cab, train and so forthetc.Therefore,theyThe government should also make them cheaperaffordable so that many people can use them. Secondly, petrol price should be more increased so,so that people might think before purchosewill be discouraged to use private vehicles. thirdlyThirdly, government should increase taxstaxes for driving private cars.

Writing Feedback / Both Working parents and problems faced and how does it effect family [7]

WhileWhen both parents are long gone for majoritynot around for most of the time during the day there would be no one to mpnitormonitor the activities of youndyoung children. First of all, one of the immediate problmeproblems would be that parents would have no idea of how a child has beenabout how their children performing in acadamicsstudies and by the time they would realize it would have beenbe toovery late.

You have lots of spelling errors :(

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Visitor from and to UK [6]

I feel your OVERVIEW should have been shorter and less detailed and the detailed para should have contained more details and should have been longer.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Honey bees life cycle [4]

The first stage of the life cycle is startedoccurs when the queen layinglays 1 or 2 eggs once in 72 hours regularly. Then the eggs hatchwould be hatchedbetweenfor about 9 and 10 days to transformbefore they transform to nymph, immature form of an insect (stop here) Somesome parts of the eggs isare still surrounded in the nymph's body.

Writing Feedback / Line graph for the consumption and production of energy [3]


Well, I assume this is your Overview part of the essay. In the overview you explain the main trend without the support of any details.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: schools should provide equal financial support to different courses [3]


You open your introduction with an expression of your opinion. Here you assume that the reader knows about the issue. However, it is better to introduce the issue to the reader first and then state your opinion.

Writing Feedback / Traffic problems in city; new roads and railway networks, sub ways and skylines [5]


I see a problem with your thesis statement (highlighted above)
You need to express clearly to which extent you agree to the following statement;


.... so your final sentence in the intro should answer that and not about how to tackle the issue.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 - Write a letter to your manager asking for a training course [5]


.... You need to be more specific as to what you are going to study;
I am writing this letter in view of seeking your approval for attending the training course titled "Learn Chinese in English" which is offered by ABC Trainers, Singapore. I wish to explain the requirement of following this course and the details of the same for your consideration.

Book Reports / A Thousand Splendid suns; The novel occurs in Kabul with the anti-soviets [2]


The novel is based on a story about two Afghan women living in Kabul in the background of Anti-Soviet wars and the rise of Taliban regime.

Mariam who was born an illegitimate daughter whose father isof Jalili is forced at a young age into marryingthe marriage with Rasheed
Laila moved out to go and live with her loved one Tariq and Mariam had to sacrifice herself because she killed Rasheed.

Writing Feedback / Problems overrellance on cars can cause/suggest at least one possible solution. [5]


This sentence is very confusing and does not deliver a clear idea to the reader. The main problem is that it is pretty too long :(

Writing Feedback / Not believe everything in newspaper, it's form of business; the goal: gain money [4]


You need to improve the presentation of this sentence as it needs to act as an interesting hook that binds reader's attention to your writing ;

The newspaper is one of the main sources that people use to learn about what happens locally and internationally.


Well, it is good to use the first voice (the word "I") only at the end of your intro while expressing your opinion. Let the other parts be more general.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; More important to work quickly& risk making mistakes [7]

The most important task here is to complete your essay with must features. As I see, your essay need to have an introduction, body paragraphs (them 4,5 or any number you like) and the conclusion. Then, you need to adopt the right approach, have good grammar , display your vocabulary knowledge and have a good flow with best clarity. Even I too support the 4 para approach because it helps you complete your task with the features I mentioned by meeting your time requirement. Remember, this task has a major bearing on time. If you complete it with 4 paras (2 body paras) before the allowed time, you can go back and add another para to make it a 5 para essay. In whatever scenario, the important point is you complete the task with intro, body paras, conclusion together with other features that help you score marks within the time allocated for you.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL- studnets prefer home-schooling rather than trditional schools [3]


I guess your topic is about which is better for students - Home schools or Traditional schools? , and not about what students prefer. You always need to keep a good alignment between what your topic means and your writing.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: animal experiments & animal rights [7]

Very good intro. You follow a very good approach, good grammar and vocabulary and impressive presentation :)


.... I wish your conclusion was more inclined towards your opinion on the issue which is ;


Overall, great writing. This is a very good essay and with this level of writing, you would surely aim at a very good band at IELTS :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : Encouraging sense of competition or cooperation in childhood [8]


This is actually is different from what your prompt says -

Your prompt simply asks you which one, "competition" or "corporation" , should be encouraged. You can take a moderate stance by saying both are equally important, however, when you introduce your issue topic, you should not change it to the way you like. You should introduce the issue in its original sense to the reader. What you've done above is not proper.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Garlsdon City on plan to build a supermarket [3]

As per the map's featuresAccording to the map, the suggestedproposed location (no comma) S2, for building a new supermarket(no comma) is placed in the residenta residential area. Also in the south-west and south-east of the map there are 2tworush belt cities.

Writing Feedback / Concrete produce: cement, water, sand and gravel are poured to a concrete mixer [5]

Yes, you need to have the diagram uploaded and without it , we cannot really verify what you have written :(
Also, follow dumi's approach for this task. According to that, you need to have an OVERVIEW inserted before the body paras (detail paras). Further, this task really does not require a conclusion. Conclusion is an important feature for IELTS Task 2 which is an independent writing task. This one is more on to report writing and therefore your task here is to report what the diagram presents to the reader.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Children find it difficult to concentrate or pay attention in schools [13]


Here we go with the first body para :D

First, the advancement of communication technology had been the main reason for this problem. The Internet, mobile phones and various other communication devices and gadgets have already occupied a great space in the lives of children today. These things act as major distractions for children and disturb their concentration on studies. For example, school kids sometimes secretly play computer games on their mobile phones while the teacher is explaining a lesson in the class.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2:should physical education be optional in school or not? [3]


... Well, can you please give us the references where you find this information. It is worth for us to have a look at that because we (dumi and many other contributors in this forum) suggest this approach. Also, I have my own personal experience with IELTS and I secured an overall band score of 8.5 for writing by following this approach. May be you've got a point there, but it is not so severe as I secured a good band score. It is great if you share that information source with us.

Writing Feedback / Misbehaviour of students at school [4]

There are many reasons behind this situationproblem. However, there are some remedies remedial measures that can be takenemployed to overcome this menace.

In most of the families,for example ,both parents are working to meet their living expenses.


.... this sentence would read better if it is not so lengthy.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: UK Tourism (Departure and Arrival) [4]

The bar graphline graphs presentshowsinformation on UK tourism in terms of departure and arrivals over a 20-year period, while the bar chart presents UKresidence's destinations in 1999.the details of foreign travels made by UK citizens in 1999.

Overall, the number international travel done by UK residents was far higherabovethan the number of UK departure rate by the foreignerswho traveled in the UK from 1979 to 1999. However, Further, France noted asremained the most favourite tourismtourist destination for English peopletravelersin the highest number of tourism in 1999.

Graduate / Master's in Computing(specialization) Personal Statement, any commends? [4]


Well, I feel you have not answered this part adequately. This is all what you have written to answer this question;


I think they would be most interested in knowing how you are going to be benefited by their course. So you should have first talked about your long-term academic and career plans in detail (you've done that, but very briefly) and then show how the features of this program are aligned with your goals.

Writing Feedback / the charts below give information about travel to and from UK. [6]

The line graph comparespresents a comparison between the number of travelers had been visitedvisits to and from the UK, during the period between 1979 and 1999. The bar chart illustrates the amount of visits by UK inhabitantscitizens in five outstandingpopular travel destinationscountriesin the last year of period shownin 1999.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: factor of choosing a career. [9]


.... well, the salary is more or less a personal choice than a societal one. So, I suggest you to present this idea a little bit differently;

For many people, the choice of career depends on the remuneration package it offers.


... good approach :)
To begin with, I agree that in order for people to cover their the daily and general needs of people, they need money as well.