Unanswered [12] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by mayfl0wer [Suspended]
Joined: Dec 29, 2012
Last Post: Feb 13, 2013
Threads: 6
Posts: 48  
Likes:
From: Canada

Displayed posts: 54 / page 1 of 2
sort: Oldest first   Latest first  | 
mayfl0wer   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / Key to lion's den or to blessings; Common App - Topic Of My Choice [6]

Our labors create not the mold of our own souls but the mold of a key.
^ I don't really understand that.

Someday, I hope to help people those people as a doctor.
^Hmmm ..

Although this is well written, I'm not entirely sure what you are trying to convey in your essay.
mayfl0wer   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / No other place like New York City; NYU Supplemental: Why NYU New York [8]

I LOVE the last sentence, although it was a bit abrupt.

The imagery is great and I know the character limit is terrible, but try to be a LITTLE bit more specific in your description of New York City. If I replace certain NYC with Tokyo in some sentences, it would still make sense.

Otherwise, excellent! : )
mayfl0wer   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / ICS program is one of a kind / Duke Sup/ Duke attractions [13]

(For Arts and Sciences Applicants Only) If you are applying to Trinity College of Arts and Sciences, please discuss why you consider Duke a good match for you. Is there something in particular at Duke that attracts you? Please limit your response to one or two paragraphs.

As someone who aspires to pursue a career in international diplomacy, I hope to enroll in Duke's International Comparative Studies (ICS) program and pursue a minor in economics. The ICS program is one of a kind and would allow me to develop a strong foundation in global studies, which is crucial in understanding the ever -changing state of our world and economy. Having travelled across Europe and Asia at a young age, I have experienced first-hand the cultural and political differences that exist between borders and with my experience, drawing from my travels, I hope to share my experiences with those I meet at Duke and actively contribute and engage in course discussions. Duke's multi-faceted FOCUS program enables me to explore unconventional disciplines not offered at other universities and I am particularly interested in the Ethics, Leadership & Global Citizenship and Modeling in Economic & Social Sciences courses. In addition, I am particularly interested in Duke's EDUCO Study Abroad in Paris because of its immersive French environment and diverse curriculum. Having studied French for nine years, I am eager to build upon my language skills as well as develop a holistic understanding of the cultural, historical, and political aspects of Europe covered in class.

Socially, I love Duke's 'work hard, play hard' environment. A school's sense of pride and community plays a crucial part in one's undergraduate experience and Duke is no short of school spirit with its superior academics and incredible athletics. Specifically, I am interested in Duke's Greek life. In a sorority, I can not only experience fun and excitement, but develop a close knit support system of like-minded students and alumni as well. From academic support and community service to leadership opportunities and life-long friendships, if accepted, Greek life will be a highlight of my undergraduate experience at Duke. Overall, Duke is the one institution where I can learn under the best minds of the country and flourish with students who are equally passionate about making an impact with their education. By exposing myself to a full spectrum of available resources, the Duke undergraduate program will prepare me for a career in international studies through an intellectual and dynamic environment.
mayfl0wer   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / i'M HOMESCHOOLED; Common App Supplement: World you come from ? [3]

I was the author in the next most significant decision that has come to shape who I am

Author does not connect with decision. Maybe say 'in the writing of the next chapter of my life?'

Despite being shy at first, I began to unfold.
^A little awkward.

'At school, although I was shy at first, I quickly ________.'

Before graduating middle school, I was brave enough to perform a duet on stage even with my unfortunate voice. and ____.

'the unparalleled world I come from can be divided in two'???

In a sense, the unparalleled world I come from can be divided in two, with the restraints of the first world producing a deep desire to discover everything I had been missing in the later one.

^ Very awkward sentence. I get what youre trying to say, but it can be better.

Last paragraph is a bit irrelevant and suddenly abstract. Try to relate it back to how although your experiences were polar opposite, both were beneficial and crucial to the person you are today.
mayfl0wer   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / EGO & SELF ESTEEM; "DESCRIBE YOURSELF" essay for UNC Chapel Hill application [2]

CAPITALIZE ALL YOUR I s!!!

AVOID CONTRACTIONS!

In order to adequately describe myself, i must highlight the fact that my large ego and self-esteem make me overly proud of who i am as an individual, although i can recognize my flaws.

^awkward

I've always been of outspoken and candid character before I moved from the United States to Spain

The idea of your essay is great but the ideas do not flow. Try to make your ideas connect a little bit more.
mayfl0wer   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / Every student and alumni love Rice; Rice Supplement- Why Rice? [8]

Take out the I guess. It just sounds like you're not really sure.

Quite simply, I've been interacting with Rice students and alumni my entire life, and nearly every single one has told me that they love Rice.

^ Exaggeration. Did you begin interacting with them at birth? A little bit cliche too.

Literally? As opposed to figuratively?
mayfl0wer   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / "Zealous, Athletic, Cool..." ; Yale Supp [3]

Super awesome!

Your essays are very original and creative.

And you turned such a simple thing into something with a lot of thought.

Check mine out? : )
mayfl0wer   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / Changing Schools; Stanford Supplement - Intellectual vitality [4]

I attended a small k-12 private boarding school of about 200 students in Oregon that IS known for it' s unique culture and rigorous curriculum.

but DIFFICULT.

Changing schools taught me that students who primarily rely on lectures and explanations to learn and students who learn strictly from books and materials do not have the complete picture that they could have if both ways of learning were combined.

^awkward long sentence.

I liked your essay. Shows the contrast between two learning environments and how they both helped you.

Help me out? : )
mayfl0wer   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / NYU economics program; NYU sup/ Academic Interests [10]

This is awesome! Loved the description of Beijing in the beginning.

I thirst for more understanding.
^ I was never a fan of words like 'thirst' when it comes to uni apps - seemed a little too over the top. But it does work! Personal preference.

Very nice. : )
mayfl0wer   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Columbia's vision of mobility and the Core Curriculum ; Columbia supp- Why? [5]

House was the show that sparked my interest in biology and medicine. I wanted his ability to analyze the genetic and environmental factors of his patients and ultimately diagnose and treat whatever ailments they were suffering from.

You refer to house as a show in the first sentence, then a person. Be a bit more specific. Although I understood your message, it definitely halted my reading.

Revolving AROUND.

I had grasped this concept when I read the novel in 2009, but I feel a greater appreciation for the novel after rereading it, and feel that I now truly understand what Picoult wanted to convey.

^ Weird run - on.
mayfl0wer   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / I co-founded & run my Sixth Form's debating society/ Extracurricular Activity [3]

be challenged on the both the latest and oldest standing questions concerning international and domestic politics, law, culture and society.

Debating has opened my eyes to the importance of a rationale, logic and a fair approach when forming an argument. It has which has no place for the opinionated, prejudices and unfounded conclusions; the lifeblood of any well-rounded contributor to society and any potential student.

The vibrancy of discussion with MY peers

Budding is a very awkward term.
mayfl0wer   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / arts-and-science focused, medium-sized, highly residential etc. /Why ROCHESTER? [3]

Myself AS a student.

' I felt comfortable and knew it had suitable environment for me to expand my knowledge of biological science.'

The bio sciences part was a bit abrupt. Try to take your last sentence about facilities and put it before?

Opened me my mind.

Overall, pretty good.

The anecdote was quite good. : )
mayfl0wer   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Dream School; Boston University Supp- Why applied? [9]

There was a very abrupt jump between ' found myself challenged by this question. However, I came up with an answer of "I plan to study a few things before I make up my mind."

I gave this answer because I knew I had many interests and wanted to delve into more than one subject in my higher education. Growing up, my interests (such as?)made me knowledgeable in many areas, but it also made it hardER to decide what I want to study in college. For me, BU takes away the difficulty of choosing and gives me the opportunity to not only study in several areas, but major in more than one subject.

Though today I can say Economics is my most keen interest and most likely what I'll study in college,
^ Although I can say that I want to study Economics today, ______
mayfl0wer   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Economics, international diplomacy & Language/ Engaging Academically @ Penn(Wharton) [4]

With a passion for economics, international diplomacy, and language, I see no limits to the academic opportunities available to me at the University of Pennsylvania. The immense scope of courses available at Wharton investigates every crevice of business, and the university's multi-faceted curriculum allows me to explore my diverse academic interests. As an immigrant, I am drawn to international economics, specifically the rapid economic expansion in China. I hope to conduct research, for example, to examine the effects of China's one-child policy on the growing middle class. Valuable facilities such as the Penn Institute for Economic Research will accommodate and foster these aspirations.

In addition, at Wharton, I hope to become actively involved with the Penn International Business Volunteers (PIBV). Pairing my passion in global issues with my education at Wharton, I can utilize my business background to aid various development initiatives and NGOs around the world. Later in my undergraduate years, I hope to apply the event planning skills that I have developed as a Student Trustee and assist in organizing PIVB conferences and social events to educate the rest of the Wharton student body about how they can use their education to assist in international aid.

Last, I am particularly interested in Wharton's Study Abroad programs to Lyons, France due to the program's immersive French environment and focus on both business and the liberal arts. Having studied French for nine years, I am eager to build upon my language skills, as well as develop a holistic understanding of European culture and its business climate.

Overall, Penn is an institution where I can flourish with students who are equally passionate about making an impact. Through a full spectrum of available resources, the Wharton undergraduate program will improve my analytical capacity and literacy in business and prepare me for a career in the global marketplace.
mayfl0wer   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Be Informed; Pomona Supplement - What I say to my community [4]

Don't repeat the question in answering it.

As a country and as a society, we are more ignorant than any other time in history, and manydo not understand nor wish to understand the issues facing them.

The average person today is more likely to know the details of the General Petraeus affair than the details of how our healthcare system works.

^ Great example. Give another.

In fact, ignorance has led many people into deep apathy towards important matters that define our political, economic and social state as a country, and as people.

You talk a lot about how people are uninformed and apathetic, but you should talk about how they can become engaged.

"Read the Wall Street Journal, _________, __________"
mayfl0wer   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / I know we'll get along; Stanford - Roommate [7]

aving attended international schools with people from many countries

and met individuals from many other countries,

But I also enjoy many activities.
^ There is no need for a 'but.'

And I can also play drums. Can you play instrument? If not, I can teach you and if yes, I'd love to jam sometime.

^ "Oh, and I love to play the drums. Do you play any instruments? If so, I'd love to jam sometime, and if not, I'd love to teach you."

But more importantly, I'm looking forward to creating new experiences with you at Stanford together, experiences that we will remember years from now.
^ weird run on.

I hope you, like me, are the type of person that can study hard one day, read a book and listen to music the next and go out and explore the city the next after that.

'the next after that' (awkward)
mayfl0wer   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Envl Club/Upgrade library/Not specific;UVirginia;Extracurricular/Project/Place [8]

When I saw this essay prompt, I was relieved but agitated at the same time. The answer came as easily as my name, but the words to actually describe it were hard to grasp.

^ Awkward. You can definitely take it out.

And finally, how finishing a book makes me sad to let it go, yet fills me with utmost happiness.
^ Very abrupt and inconclusive conclusion.
mayfl0wer   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Liberal environment - the most appealing feature of Columbia [4]

Please tell us what you find most appealing about Columbia and why.

As a student interested in government and policy on both a local and global skill, I find Columbia's World Leaders Forum particularly inviting. Through the forum, I can witness issues that matter to me brought to the forefront of discussion by the world's most influential political and social leaders, as well as meet others who are passionate about similar causes. Invitations of controversial figures such as Ethiopian Prime Minister Zenawi and Iranian President Ahmadinejad exemplify Columbia's open-minded values and acceptance of individuals with alternative perspectives.

After researching the clubs and organizations that exist at the university, I realized that Columbia is home to a full spectrum of opportunities to explore my interests and make a difference outside of a classroom setting. Having always dreamed of writing for a university publication, I hope to draw upon my writing abilities and business background to write for the Columbia Daily Spectator or Columbia Economics Review. With a passion for social equity in the LGBTQ community, I plan to become involved with the Columbia Queer Alliance and draw upon my event-planning experience as a Student Trustee to assist in organizing LGBTQ education events such as Queer Awareness Month.

Columbia's liberal environment and plethora of extracurriculars are both ingredients for an exciting undergraduate experience. I want to attend a university that dreams as big as I do, and if my resume does not reflect that, let me show you in person.
mayfl0wer   
Jan 2, 2013
Undergraduate / 'relevancy of economics' - Cornell Supplement Economics [6]

Growing up in Beijing, the capital of one of the world's fastest developing countries, the dynamics of the city changed with breathtaking speed.

^ when you begin your sentence with a gerund, you need a subject otherwise it's incomplete.
because look: 'growing up in beijing, ____________________."
you need to add 'I' in there.

With the college's dedication to the liberal arts, I would be encouraged, in fact required to take a variety of different courses.
^encouraged and required are contradictions.

Please help me with mine!
mayfl0wer   
Jan 2, 2013
Undergraduate / "You are Not Special" ; Cornell Sup /Economics [15]

I am also excited by Cornell's recent move to eliminate barriers between the separate schools at Cornell.

You said Cornell twice.

In fact, you said Cornell many times throughout your essay.

Otherwise, great!

Check my Duke supp out?
mayfl0wer   
Jan 2, 2013
Undergraduate / 'Relationships with my enemies' - U Chicago Supp [5]

I can already imagine that our similarities would repulse the faint hearted and force us apart like two positive ends on a magnet trying to make contact.

Repulse the faint hearted? Why so?

In a utopia COMMA we

Well written!

Just to clarify - you wrote that your enemy is yourself, correct?

It seems to jump from someone like yourself to your self doubt - really quickly.
mayfl0wer   
Jan 2, 2013
Undergraduate / My testing scores and achievements - why Uchicago? [6]

In all honesty, because I have recently received permission from my parents to apply to American universities, I could only replace a long research for colleges with brief website searches. However, as soon as I explored the University of Chicago's website, I knew I found my future destination.

Take the entire paragraph out. It's awkward to read and you don't want them to think you based off your decision off of a website.

Develop a passion for economics? You can't expect to DEVELOP a passion. You either build upon or pursue your passion.

Don't use transition words like 'firstly' and 'secondly.' It makes your essay mechanical.

I felt scared was petrified yet mad angered because I WAS ONLY 16 YEARS OLD AT THE TIME AND HAD ONLY SEEN A PART OF THE WORLD. I thought that life was too short to let go of the chances to experience the unique parts of our world.
mayfl0wer   
Jan 2, 2013
Undergraduate / "You are walking down the street.." - Pomona Essay Supplement [4]

I slowly start immersing myself into this culture.

myself IN this culture.

As I continueD walking

When the musical piece was over COMMA the man opened his eyes and seemed bewildered to see me there watching him. Jumping up COMMA I apologized for scaring him and thanked him for playing.

Ending is a bit abrupt. Seems like you ended it because you were running close to the word limit.

Try to make a bit more subtle.

Help with mine?

Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳