Unanswered [15] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by tiaDS
Name: Mba Tia
Joined: Jan 15, 2014
Last Post: Sep 30, 2016
Threads: 73
Posts: 235  
Likes: 52
From: Indonesia

Displayed posts: 308 / page 7 of 8
sort: Latest first   Oldest first  | 
tiaDS   
Feb 2, 2014
Writing Feedback / Adult decide to study because of interest in subject/max% cost shared by himself [8]

Almost equal percentage of adults decide to study to help for their current job(22%) to improve prospects of promotion (20%) and enjoy for learning (20%).

I'm little confuse with your sentence above, is it true if i rewrite with the sentence below? please attach your picture.

The percentage of adults, who have purpose for current job, gains 22%, while improve prospect of promotion beats comparations with enjoy for learning (20%)
tiaDS   
Feb 1, 2014
Writing Feedback / Ielts test task 2: Air transportation for fruits and vegetables [5]

"Title"

Air transportation is increasingly being used to export many types of fruits and vegetables where those plants can't be grown or out of season. Some say it is a good idea, but others consider such use of air transport can't be justified. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

your introduction

It's a topic subject to debate as to whether air transportation should serve the purpose of exporting fruits and vegetables. Some argue that it is advisable while others are against it.

I try to make intorduction from paraphrasing title.
Troughout the world, air transport is used to export fruits and vegetables when extrim weather comes and, they cannot be grown well. Some people tend to pros, but others critics claim that air transport cannot be used for delivery crops.
tiaDS   
Feb 1, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Introductions; Need correction only for introduction. [5]

Some people believe that visitors to other countries should follow local customs and behavior. Others disagree and think that the host country should welcome cultural differences. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

Each country has different customs and behavior, so travelers have to adapt with this diversity like people who do vacation, they have to follow the local culture in this county which is visited. Standing in contrast, critics claim country should accept the cultural differences which are influenced by tourists. I will discuss the two views further.

Today, the high sales of popular customer goods reflect the power of advertising and not the real needs of the society in which they are sold.To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Advertisement encourages customer's eager to buy the products and increase high income for company which promotes their product. Having said and done, it makes people to purchase many products which are not important in daily life. I think that pros and cons of these views which are discussed in this essay.

In some countries, it is common for women to find a job when their children are young. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this?

Many women become working mothers. This is occurring, because of growing economical pressure, personal preference and so forth. In this day and age, women are not restricted to be homemaker as compared to the past. There are the merits and the demerits which are being discuss in this essay.
tiaDS   
Feb 1, 2014
Undergraduate / uMich supplemental essay #2 ; I want to be free to ask questions. [4]

I created my own Facebook Page specifically to post the naive questions I encounter while pondering about nature.

I created my own Facebook Page specifically to post the naive questions, while I encounter pondering about nature.
While, subject + verb, subject + verb.
Subject + Verb, while subject + verb.


provide me with intriguing questions that are humble and yet have answers that can only be arrived at through scientific endeavor.

This sentence has poor structure.
It provides many intriguing questions that are humble and yet have answers that can only be arrived at through scientific endeavor.

Hello Jawad, in my view your essay is not have good enough coherence and cohesion, it is the pattern which is usually used by me.

Essay pattern:
1. Intoduction : (paraphrasing title with hook to persuade readers are more curiously to read more and you have mention thesis statements which are defined in the body)

2. Body 1 : Detail explanation of thesis statement 1
3. Body 2 : Detail explanation of thesis statement 2
4. Additional information (writer opinion or additional information which relate with thesis statements
5. Conclusion
tiaDS   
Jan 30, 2014
Writing Feedback / University plays a responsibility to deliver knowledge which is useful in the workplace [3]

Some people think that universities should provide graduates with the knowledge and skills needed in the workplace. Others think that the true function of university should be to give access to knowledge for its own sake, regardless of whether the course is useful to an employer. What, in your opinion, should be the main function of a university?

Several people who study in university have main purpose for looking a great job in the future, while others prefer for interest. University plays a responsibility to deliver knowledge which is useful in the workplace and other purpose of students. In my eyes, the main function of university is to educate student to be well-educate and well-qualified people.

There is a dramatic increase for the number of students who continue their study at university, because they want to get a degree for getting a great job. Degree is always mentioned in the job vacancy announcement and the candidates should be eligible with the requirement. For example, managerial level in global company is occupied by people who have master degree. Based on the reality, university should arrange the curriculum which adopts the knowledge to compete in the workplace. It is true that some people believe a degree and knowledge which is learnt at university will give an opportunity to take place in international company and earn much money in the short time.

Having said this, there is the different purpose of minority students who have a plan for interest. Because of that, university should provide knowledge as access to gain their sake which is extremely different among other students. For example, some students have occupation as an employer in the private company, while others prefer to establish a business. Admittedly, the reasons why university should give variety knowledge are to deliver useful knowledge for students with different job. Thus mixing knowledge between skill and intelligent are needed to prepare students for facing the real work environment.

In conclusion, I think that university plays an essential function to develop well-educate and well-qualified people. As a result, university should provide the professional educationalists to establish students' intelligent and skill.
tiaDS   
Jan 30, 2014
Undergraduate / DRAW!!! ; Admission Essay- Ryerson [3]

A word my uncle said thatas he handed me a pencil, paper, and a picture of a room.

I think you should finish it and give the title, because without title we cannot measure that your essay have answered all of question or no.

Here i would share the pattern essay IELTS task 2.
1. Introduction (paraphrasing title, you have to mention thesis statements which will be explained in the bodies)
2. Body 1: explanation of thesis statement 1
3. Body 2: explanation of thesis statement 2
4. Additional information, you can give your own opinion
5. Conclusion
tiaDS   
Jan 30, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Some educationalists argue about arts-based subject. [5]

This is a too complicated hook and I feel it has little relevance to your topic. So it does not provide an interesting entrance to your essay :(

hai dumi thank for your correction, i try to create new hook. is it appropiate or no? please give me suggestion.
Some people have mindset that art connects with the uniqueness thing which is poured into original creativity and depicts different soul of art.
tiaDS   
Jan 30, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Some educationalists argue about arts-based subject. [5]

Some educationalists argue that non-exam, arts-based subjects, such as music, drama, art and craft, should be compulsory in the secondary-school curriculum. They believe that activities such as these can improve overall academic performance. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

The sound of art connects with uniqueness which is poured original creativity of art products which depict different soul of art. Some say that art is a must have curriculum for the second-grade school, while I tend to believe that this non-exam subject would not have a notable advancement in students academic progress.

There is a pro claim that art must have to learn in the second-grade school for improving self discipline of pupils who need additional skill to improve their sense and natural ability of art. Every second-grade school in Bali makes a decision that pupils have to take action on dance technique as an additional lesson, for instance. Dancing has a merit for balancing pupils' brain and keeping our culture. Critic claim, however, the budget which spends for buying the instruments on art can be allocated to renovate school facilities, there is the amount of art resources as much as cost to build a new class room. As a result, art is debatable subject which is difficult implemented in the school.

Admittedly, People, who join in art lesson, claim that it is notable to exercise the imagination and working together with. Take one example; musical drama community can enhance the power of imagination of all members who are forced to pour creativity and corporate with team work. Moreover, sense of well-being will appear certainly when people focus on art which will be a hobby. However, students have to realize if they involve in art which will spend much time due to create a masterpiece is needed into a sharp focus on. For example, Leonardo da vinci, who painted legendary masterpiece portrait "Mona Lisa", took more than a year to finish this portrait, but the product has been famous at a particular time in history. Apparently, students who participate on art lesson will not pay attention with other general lessons, get the bed point academic performance.

In conclusion, I tend to agree that art is adopted as a secondary-school curriculum to develop sense of art. However, providing art subject in the school needs high cost to buy art resources. In my eyes, school should consider to make balance between art lesson and other general lesson such as math and physic for enriching students' academic performance.
tiaDS   
Jan 29, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS ( TASK 1 ) Expenditure on Health & Education , UAE as % of GDP [5]

The bar chart illustrates the budget for Health and Education in the UAE from 1985 to 1990 whereas the line graph gives information about the figure for Infant Mortality and Life Exectancy between 1970 and 1992 .

In the first graph, there are differences that 'life expentacy' mentions 'years' and 'infant mortality' is based on 'per 1000 birth'
The bar chart reveals the spending budget for Health and Education in the UAE from 1985 to 1990, whereas the line graph indicates information about the figure between Infant Mortality (per 1000 birth) and Life Exectancy (years) over ranging from 1970 to 1992.
tiaDS   
Jan 28, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: outlay and expense on fast foods in the UK [5]

while that for fish and chips was were only 16 pence .

The bar chart illustrates the outlay on fast foods in the UK in 1990, whereas the line graph gives

Overall , people in the UK Britons spend a lot of their money on hamburger, but their consumption of fish and chips is are the highest .

the budget for hamburger came first with 42 pence, while that for fish and chips was only 16 pence .

In contrast , the expenditure on fish and chip rose considerably from 16 pence to 25 pence .

you should be consisten to mention (fish and chips)

in the low income group , people spent spend their money on fish and chip more than hamburger .

because in the first chart is not mention period.

Moving to the linegraph, the consumption of hamburger rose dramatically from 80 grammes to 500 grammes between 1970 and 1990, while that of pizza experienced a marked reduction from 300 to 200 in 15 years .

while in the first sentence: while, s + v, s + v.
while in the middle sentence : s + v, while s +v

tiaDS   
Jan 28, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : Some modern artists receive huge sums of money for the things they create. [5]

Dear Pahan,

According to Gordon M. Smith, who is senior economists from Harvard University at The United States, has conducted the reason why artists could lead in gigantic financial matter. It is because they have hard work and spent much hour at work. Not surprisingly, there is different amount of income with other people who have different occupation with low salary.

Thanks for your advise. I try to follow your and dumi suggestion to creat a hook in the introduction. Because of that, I rise a people opinion in the intoduction and i combine with paraphrasing from the title.
tiaDS   
Jan 27, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : Some modern artists receive huge sums of money for the things they create. [5]

Some modern artists receive huge sums of money for the things they create, while other struggle to survive. Governments should take steps to resolve this unfair situation. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

According to Gordon M. Smith, who is senior economists from Harvard University at The United States, has conducted the reason why artists could lead in gigantic financial matter. It is because they have hard work and spent much hour at work. Not surprisingly, there is different amount of income with other people who have different occupation with low salary. What are the major contributing factors in the success of artists? Could governments make a balance this situation? Without further ado, let's delve into pro and contra of this issue.

The sound of art connects with uniqueness which is poured original creativity by artists and every single masterpiece depicts different soul of art. Because of that, many people are willing to pay for something that they are admire and would like to own. An artist gives something up to create a portrait, not only spent a lot of time, but also fulfill imagination. Leonardo da vinci, who painted legendary masterpiece portrait "Monalisa", took more than a year to finish it, but he got more than 2 billion dollars from selling his product, for instance. Whatever the reason, I would give an argumentation that government cannot prevent artist to earn much money from their products. There is a right of artists to get the worth appreciate from their creation such as money or popularity. However, public should consider what is something worth which is paid with higher amount, even there are many little known artists who find hard to earn income.

In the other case, well-known artists attempt to explore their ability as a business people to collect much money. They are not pay attention with quality, but money expectation is the main purpose. Popularity and reputation are the guarantee to sell a lot of products which give high income. This condition seems unfair to others unknown artists who are beginner to introduce they products with many obstacle to compete with other artists who have excellent reputation. Standing in contrast, popular artists have spent years for developing skills and experiences which are quite expensive things and cannot be bought by money. Every exhibition was improving their ability and skill to be expert and they have learnt from a mistake in the past, for instance. Thus this is fair that famous artists have got high nominal of their product.

Ultimately, the high income is a reflection of artists' effort and loyalty of art. Having said this, government cannot stop artists' creativity, because creativity is a right for all people who can think and show up their sense of art by painting or other art products. In my eyes, popular artists should pay attention of their product's quality to survive and compete with new artists in the future.
tiaDS   
Jan 27, 2014
Writing Feedback / Is it true that people's worth is related to their social status and material possessions? [7]

There isare alot of controverserycontroversies about it.In this essay I am going to examine this question from my both points of view

Because the more they had personal features and abilities ,the more they werehad more appreciated.

For instance, kings were fair and they looked up to their honourable and trustworthy people, and they collected reliable people as an employee.

as long as i know, "and" is used for connecting two sentences. perhaps you should give koma in the third sentence.

This habit brings them more opportunities and utilities than the poor can give them.

This habits brings more opportunities and utilities for people who have much money than poor people, who do not have enough money, have less chance.

In my eyes your essay is good, but you have to pay attention with your grammar and content.
tiaDS   
Jan 27, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Species extinctions and the threats to plant life in tropical forests [3]

The graph and chart below give information about species extinctions and the threats to plant life. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The line graph depicts the in-depth information about endangered plant and animal species in tropical forests, while the pie chart indicates the factors why plant and animal are still extinct. The data is taken from tropical forests in the world during 10 decades, between 2000-2100.

Overall, there were the wide variation causes in the statistic of extinctions plant and animal species with the highest percentage occurring from human impact. Likewise, a hundred years later the number of plant and animal species will be more safety than forty-year before.

First in all, it can be seen that approximately 4.000 in every million species had extinct by 2000. Simultaneously, from 2020 to 2040 onward, this figure is predicted a sharp increase more than three times that of 40-year before. Thus a peak will be achieved in 2060 with 50 million, while the reverse condition will occur between 2080 and 2010, where the number of extinctions of plant and animal species is going on a sharp decrease.

As seen, there are the impact of different types of activity on plant survival. Clearly, over three-quarters of extinctions are caused by human activity, and more than half of this is related in some way to farming. Other activities, such as logging (9.7%) and development (10.4%), also pose threats. Natural events, however, have a quite smaller effect on the lives of plants. Natural disasters, such as tropical storms, account for 7 percent of extinctions, while other natural influences cause a further 11.7 percent.




tiaDS   
Jan 27, 2014
Writing Feedback / Should university students be required to attend class;gain education profoundly [7]

While some people think that students must be required to attend class, others think that for students, attending class must be optional. there are some chances of studying without attending class.

Some people argue that pupils have to attend in class, while others think that it will be optional choise by student.

I only give suggestion to put hook in the introduction to make reader more curiously.
tiaDS   
Jan 27, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS; Rubbish created by humans today is a worldwide issue! [8]

the majority of rubbish such as bottles and other non-biodegradable materials are created by humankind can be seen on the surface of the oceans and seas.

you need to have a more meaningful title ( we attended to your original title ).

I agree with dumi, you should attach the tittle to make sure you answer all of question.
tiaDS   
Jan 26, 2014
Writing Feedback / High-income and average-income people are more likely to consume hamburgers - IELTS [5]

Could you tell me why should be passive sentences, please?

Based on the data, it is presented that high-income and average-income people are more likely to consume Hamburgers with over forty-two and thirty-two pence per week.

Thanks for your corection, but i consider about the time in the real IELTS which is given only 20 minutes. So, i only mention the main point which is the important information. I think that your suggestion is having the same meaning with my ordinary sentence. Anyway again thank you.
tiaDS   
Jan 26, 2014
Writing Feedback / High-income and average-income people are more likely to consume hamburgers - IELTS [5]

The chart below shows the amount of money per week spent on fast foods in Britain. The graph shows the trends in consumption of fast foods. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below.

The bar chart shows the changes in weekly spending by Britons on three types of the fast food: Hamburger, Fish & Chips and Pizza, while the line graph presents the fast-food consumption from 1970 to 1990.

Turning to the data, high-income and average-income people are more likely to consume Hamburgers, presented over forty-two and thirty-two pence per week. However, Fish & Chips come second in all options for average-income people, while high-income people tend to choose Pizza for the second alternative fast food. In the case of low-income people, the expenditure on Pizza as favorable food is 8%.

As seen, Hamburgers and Pizza rose steadily between 1970 and 1980, while Fish & Chips declined slightly from 300 to nearly 200 grammes. While, Hamburger had again risen to the same figure as Fish & Chips in 1970, Pizza had approximately 100 grammes. From 1985 onwards, both Hamburgers and Fish & Chips rose steadily over twice as high as Pizza recording 270 grammes. The figure of Fish & Chips was just smaller than Pizza, which of Fish & Chips had approximately 230 grammes in 1990.

Clearly, there are 3 types of fast food that Britons are keen on eating in the early 21th century. The last two types of fast food were a notable rise, but Fish & Chips were the reserve over 20 years.




tiaDS   
Jan 25, 2014
Writing Feedback / Disenfranchising women voters [6]

However still Pakistani women facing hurdles in performing their duties in active manners.

However,Pakistani women are still facing hurdles in performing their duties in active manners.

In nutshell its unbelievable that women willing to did not cast their votes in this contemporary age.

In nutshell, its unbelievable that women willing did not cast their votes in this contemporary age.

That is why the developing nations

you can use "globalize county" as developing nations.
tiaDS   
Jan 24, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : The main reasons for study and the amount of study grant [4]

The charts below show the main reasons for study among students of different age groups and the amount of support they received from employers.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant


First of all, the first graph indicates why people continue their study and the second bar chart gives percentage of study grant. There are two reasons for studying and five age groups which have an opportunity to study with employer support.

Overall, the first graph illustrates that the percentage of career reason with age is a dramatic fall, while several old people take interest reason for studying. Meanwhile, young people have the highest percentage for receiving study grant.

According to the data, the percentage of three age groups (under 26, 26-29 and 30-39) which have reason for a great job, decline slowly from 80% to under 60%. However, the second reason, fascinate, grows a steady increase nearly 10% for young people, 15% for 26-29 age group and 35% for 30-39yr. Moreover, older people prefer to be expert for establishing a business (nearly 70%) than look for career (under 20 percent).

Interestingly, 40-49 age group has equal number of people who have purpose for interest and career.

A more detailed look at the bar chart reveals that for the under 26 year students have the maximum employer grant with approximately 60%. 26-29 and 30-39 age groups come to second and third percentage which have more over 50 percent and 35 percent, while 2 age groups (40-49 and over 49) rise dramatically and achieve from under 40% to 45%.

Clearly, employer support is provided for career-focused study and the highest percentage of student, who has career purpose, has doubled amount that than 30-39yr.
tiaDS   
Jan 24, 2014
Undergraduate / Engineering - University of Toronto - "As I journeyed thorough life" [4]

Please pay attention with grammar. I find many error sentence, i will mention few error sentence in the below:

Today, it is simply not computer engineering I want to pursue in; however, it is the track one engineering I want to pursue in the University of Toronto.

There is not only simple computer engineering, but also i want to gain other knowledge. However, it is the track one engineering which persue in the University of Toronto.

If you asked my friends were they would find me in school

rewrite this sentence please.

degree will help make

double verb

I believe that it will be such a waste, if I forgot all the important concepts, I have learnt from my years of studies in school and university after when I get older.

too long sentence and you should rewrite in the simple sentence which is easy to be understood.
tiaDS   
Jan 24, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: How color influence people's health and capacity for work [5]

Dear Dumi,

thanks for your advise, all sentences, whis are mentioned by you, come from intro. Could you give me the best way to compose introduction? It is because i'm still confuse when i will begin to write a essay, specially in writing task 2.
tiaDS   
Jan 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: How color influence people's health and capacity for work [5]

Psychologists have known for many years that color can affect how people feel. For this reason, attention should be given to color schemes when decorating places such as offices and hospitals. How true is this statement? How far does color influence people's health and capacity for work?

Color is the part of our soul that every person has different favorite color. There are differences colors as a reflection of genre. Boys tend to choose black and red colors when they bought a t-shirt as represented that they are more bravely than women. On the other case, every color gives a different sense, so consideration mix and match color to decorate a room is really significant. In the particularly place color plays the important role to encourage people feeling such as hospitals and offices. This essay will examine about essential role of color in people life.

As a matter of fact, designers who compose colors and patterns will choose different color based on room function. It is because every color can depict different atmosphere. Color can boost good feeling for workers who need a color to give a treatment in their eyes. While, yellow and red are chosen to paint creative division's room to flush creativity, collaboration soft color are painted in meeting room for keeping calm people who use this place, for instance. John Adam, a senior lecture of Harvard University, conducts the result that color can burn spirit of people who lose their main focus on the task.

While work is about good output contribution, hospitals use the color for healthy reason. Most of people have mindset that hospital is most discouraging place where is not recommended to visit there. For instance, children are terrified coming in dental, so dental's room adopts colorful pattern and entertaining picture to persuade children more comfortable. White is the main color to reveal that hospital is hygienic, while green color is worn by surgeon. In fact, bold color will make eyes tired, so relaxing shades are needed green color which is soft and fresh color.

Having said this, people will feel quite calm and comfortable when they saw the green leafs in outside window. Moreover, Scientist at Stanford University in California found that color is recognized by infant through color-word and record the stuff "crayon is red" which depicts color appearances. They only remember that crayon has red color, so subject is important for children to recall kind of colors.

To sum up, I cannot deliberate that color is not influence mood people in the work. Many facts show, there is a direct link between color and mood. Although, red is the icon of brave feeling, while some people feel afraid when they saw blood. Moreover, red will make people on fire in work, but it gives eyes attack when people spend a lot of time to see this color.
tiaDS   
Jan 23, 2014
Essays / Need some input on what to write about for personal experience essay. [5]

you can make this essay consists of 4 paragraph:
1. Intoduction : this section consists of general information which mentions thesis statement
2. Body 1 : thesis 1 statement will be explained in this section
3. Body 2 : thesis 2 statement will be explained in this section
4. Conclusion : summary of your statement (you can creat paraphasing from introduction)
tiaDS   
Jan 22, 2014
Writing Feedback / The bar chart depicts the percentage how Britons spent the amount of money for buying fast foods [2]

The chart below shows the amount of money per week spent on fast foods in Britain. The graph shows the trends in consumption of fast foods. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below.

Given the bar chart depicts the percentage how Britons spent the amount of money for buying three types of fast food: Hamburgers, Fish & Chips and Pizza. Moreover, the line graph illustrates the fast-food consumption ranging from 1970 to 1990.

In general, the figures reveal that hamburger was the highest income in weekly which was the popular meal consumption, while fish and chips had a fluctuation percentage during a period of 20 years.

First of all, hamburger had the highest percentage more than 40% in high income category, while fish & chips and pizza came to second and third with nearly 20%. Meanwhile, in average income category hamburger still led as the highest percentage, but there were differences that the fish & chips achieved higher percentage (25%) than pizza (12%). Standing in contras, fish & chips got the highest percentage in nearly 20 pence, while the percentage of hamburger declined by 13% and pizza fell to 6%.

A more detailed look at the line graph shows that hamburger and pizza started from under 100 pieces, while fish & chips had over 300 grammes in 1970. The first ten-year period, between 1970 and 1980, hamburger and pizza increased steadily, but fish & chips decreased less than 250 grammes. In 1985 onward, hamburger and pizza still rose sharply and sat a peak at over 500 grammes for hamburger, nearly 300 grammes for pizza. However, in 1990, fish & chips had again reached the same figure as in the middle 1975s with 250 grammes.

If we analyze the date we can see several trends clearly. Firstly, the percentage of hamburger in high income category was tripled than that in low income category. While the percentage hamburger and pizza were a sharp fall, fish & chips had a fluctuation percentage in three income categories. Having said and done, from 1970 to 1985, the grammes of hamburger and pizza increased significantly as many as percentage in high income.

To conclude them, I deliberate that hamburger was the popular type of fast food which was consumed and held the highest income in weekly spending by Briton.




tiaDS   
Jan 22, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Global population figures and figures for urban populations [5]

Well, i try to use 'society' to replace 'population'. thanks for your advice, i will more be carefully.
According to Oxford learner's thesaurus
society : people in general, living together in communities
population : all the people who live in a particular area, city or country.

You cannot use past tense because what you see from 2014 onward are their predictions on population growth.

Yes, i have a mistake in this statement. i should use simple future to depict condition in the next years. thanks pahan.
tiaDS   
Jan 22, 2014
Essays / I don't understand my essay prompt and need help starting out. [4]

Question one sort of throws me off. Do you think I am supposed to justify data theft through ethics or the fact that stealing is right or wrong?

In my eyes, I cannot mention that it is a criminal or no. Some people argue that as long as the data is used to give contribution a journal, it is fair to use it. Standing in contrast, scientific journal is an authentic intellectual asset which is covered by law. As a result, I deliberate that we can adopt the main idea, so we can paraphrase base on own words and give additional information.
tiaDS   
Jan 22, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : The challenges people face when they go to live in other countries [5]

Before this detailed paragraph, you need to come up with an overview of this graphical presentation which discuss the more significant observations very briefly without any support from data

Dear Pahan, i really appreciate with your suggestion.
It is my overview, because i only have 1 sentence in introduction, so i decided to join overview and introduction in one paragraph. Please give me your suggestion.

Generally, there are three age groups which are; 18-34, 35-54 and over 55, and three aspects which are being appraisal of reported challenges per person.

As it is an IELTS task1 essay, I suggest to add at least one sentence describing the data for age group 35 to 54 in the second paragraph.

It is because all aspects in age group 35-54 have percentage over 30 percent, so i mention

are stable in approximately above 35%.

tiaDS   
Jan 22, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Who should care for the elders? [7]

such as the U.K.

as long as i know, the name of country is not followed by article 'the', exception for The United States

Also, the government receives taxes and mustutilizes it for a better lifestyle for people of all ages, especially the old.

(i'm confuse with this sentence)
Also, government receives taxes and utilizes which is better influences for helping older people.

Having said that, family members of the aged individuals, who stay in homes, must ensure that they pay required money to the care centres as it is their primary duty to look after family elders .

please rewrite this sentence.

(pay attention with your grammar)

You should recognise about five types of paragraph:
1. Sequence
2. Problem and solution
3. Cause and effect
4. Listing
5. Comparation and contrast.

you have to make this essay consists of approximately 4-5 paragraph. I suggest you to make 5 paragraph:
1. Introduction : general ideas, you should mention thesis statements.
2. Body 1 : detail of thesis statement 1
3. Body 2 : detail of thesis statement 2
4. Additional statement
5. Conclusion

You have to make your reader more curiously, do not make predictable paragraph. Moreover, coherent and cohesion are essential thing when you make every single sentence.
tiaDS   
Jan 22, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : The challenges people face when they go to live in other countries [5]

The chart below shows information about the challenges people face when they go to live in other countries.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.


The given chart reveals about the percentage integration challenges based on age group when they immigrate in. Generally, there are three age groups which are; 18-34, 35-54 and over 55, and three aspects which are being appraisal of reported challenges per person.

Turning to the data, for age group 18-34, the new place (40%) and friendship (46%) are the main challenge aspects when they move to a new country, while language-learning is the easy one for them to be learnt with 29 percent. Standing in contrast, older people, aged over 55, get an obstacle to learn the second language with 54% difficulties level. However, they are more easily for making friends and finding somewhere for living, over 20 percent.

A more detailed look at the chart depicts that balancing the percentage of problem aspects for people, who have aged 35 to 54, are stable in approximately above 35%. In contrast, adults have lowest percentage in local language, while language-learning is the main problem of elderly people. Moreover, the data shows more doubled percentage (23% to 54%) of reported challenges widely regarding to people's ages.

In conclusion, each age group has different problem when they adapt in the new environment. Perhaps, people have different understanding about problem-solving skill to reduce culture shock.




tiaDS   
Jan 22, 2014
Essays / I don't understand my essay prompt and need help starting out. [4]

honestly, i do not understand what you want to deliver for us.

Intoduction : this section consists of general information which mentions thesis statement
Body : thesis statement will be explained in this section
Conclusion : summary of your statement (you can creat paraphasing from introduction)
tiaDS   
Jan 21, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Population figures in Japan [5]

Turning to the graph presents Japan's general population figures in 1950 started on nearly 85 million and countinued a sharp increase in 1955 onwards, but the number of population had begun a sharply decrease from 2005 to 2055

Well i have a grammatical errors : Turning to the graph presents that Japan's general population figures in 1950 started on nearly 85 million and countinued a sharp increase in 1955 onwards, but the number of population had begun a sharply decrease from 2005 to 2055.

Thanks for your correction, but i'm trying to improve my grammar skill, so i decided to use complex grammar in each sentence.
tiaDS   
Jan 20, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Population figures in Japan [5]

The chart and table below give information about population figures in Japan.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisond where relevant


The graph and table illustrate information regarding population growth and the proportion of the society over 65s over a 100-year period in Land of Rising Sun.

In general, it can be seen from the graph that the number of Japan's population have fluctuated from 1955 to 2055, while based on the prediction the percentage of older people will widen substantially in the end of 2055.

Turning to the graph presents Japan's general population figures in 1950 started on nearly 85 million and countinued a sharp increase in 1955 onwards, but the number of population had begun a sharply decrease from 2005 to 2055. Standing in contrast, only 4.9% (41 million) of these people were well over the age of 65. Over a 55-year period the percentage of ageing had risen dramatically to 20 percent, while in the same time the number of population had depicted a parallel rise to by 128 million.

A more detailed look at the chart reveals the number of population sat a peak in 2005. However, the number of older people living in Japan will grow ironically to 37.2 million (34%) in 2035. Moreover, this figure will continue at a faster rate so that by 2055, 41 percent (36.5 million) of Japan people will be over 65s.

Clearly, by comparison give information two contrasting trends in Land of Rising Sun between the number of population and the greater number of elderly people.




tiaDS   
Jan 20, 2014
Writing Feedback / GMAT - ANALYTICAL WRITING ASSIGNMENT - AVIA AIRLINES [3]

In my view, your essay is good but you have to know that there are 5 types of paragraph :
1. squence,
2. problem and solution,
3. cause and effect,
4. listing,
5. comparison and contrast,

and your essay is kind of listing, perhaps you can combine the each paragraph more complicated which adopt the different type or paragraph. As far as i know that you should make your reader more coriously, because your essay is predictable content. As a result i'm not really keen on to read it more.

Do You Need
Writing
or Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳