Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: median costs of houses and units in four cities in Australia over a 16 year [3]

Hi Folks... I am preparing for the IELTS test. Please kindly need your input and comments on these matters (Task Achievement, Coherence and Cohesion, Lexical Resources and Grammar)

thank you in advance

Cheers,
andial

Question:
The graphs present information on the median costs of houses and units in four cities in Australia over a 16 year period
===================================
Answer:

Given are the line graphs presenting on median costs of houses and condominium in the four major towns A, B, C and D in Australia over a 16 year period.

It is noticeable that even though town A experienced a valuable fluctuation, it still constantly came up with the highest rate in term of median costs both houses and condominium from 1980 to 1996 excluding the period between Jun 1984 and 1987. On the other hand, while town C and D seems like not having special trends, town B which was at the second position in case of median house prices experienced a slight fluctuation on condominium.

A more detailed look at the graph shows town A, in case of houses prices, rose suddenly to approximately $ 80 thousand in Jun-82 then peaked at $ 210 on Jun-87 before reaching $ 240 at the end of the period. While the second position, city B increase was conformable to the trend of city A, city C overtook city D position at $ 100 on Jun-90.

Interestingly, in term of condominium prices, while town A had same trend with town A in the previous case which was at $ 200 on Jun-96, the three other cities preceded one another.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Pros and Cons - advertisement - has become integral part of modern society's life [5]

Hi folks,

I am now preparing for the IELTS exam. Please kindly need your input on my writing.

Cheers,

Andial

Some people say that advertising encourages us to buy things that we really do not need. Other say that advertisements tell us about new products that may improve our lives.

Which view point do you agree with?
============================================================

It is generally understandable that advertisement has become integral part of modern society's life. The huge number of benefits which we already enjoyed seems like the clear proof of how important the advertisement is. While the proven one can be accepted, the opponents argue that it can persuade people to purchase unimportant goods. However, considering some crucial aspects, I particularly think that advertisement carries many more positive impacts rather than the negative aspects.

Today, there have been so many pros and cons developing in society regarding the impact of the advertising. In one side, some societies even agree to erase the advertising because it manipulates people in order to buy their product by using glamorous even successful people to be their icon. It aims to persuade people that buying a certain product will make them happier. They do not want to know whether the product will bring full of advantages or there is a side effect that makes the consumer unsatisfied. For example, branded cosmetic which is one of the most popular advertisement on television. Because the advertiser hire a beautiful model to be their icon, it automatically persuades many women to buy that product, knowing all women always want to be looked beautiful. In fact, not a few girls feel regret after trying such kind of branded cosmetic products. In addition, there are certain groups of people, who will buy products advertised by actors, even though the products are not of much use to them. For instance, my relative will buy all kinds of clothes and accessories as advertised by his favorite actor. These are the tactics and strategies adopted by advertising agencies to attract more customers.

In the other side, there are many people even are helped by the existing of the advertisement because they firmly believe that advertising informs us about the choice we have in order not to be wrong in choosing our needs. It is in step with a key part of modern business nowadays and also a form of modern art. Without advertisement we would have less choice. Moreover, the most important of all is because advertising company requires many inhabitants to be hired. It is clearly helpful to the government to eradicate the high number of unemployment. If we imagine that the government suddenly forbid the firm to advertise, it tremendously will fall the income of the company which will end up with the dismissal. It is clearly bad for our economy.

In a nutshell, even though some might believe that advertising tends to encourage people to purchase something that may not be too important for them, I am strongly convinced that there are many essential and crucial good points of advertising that we have to appreciate. In case of reducing bad impact, the government should actually be more active in regulating the advertiser company to do not give false information.

Writing Feedback / IELTS exam: studying at university is the best route to reach successful career [8]

Folks, I am preparing for my IELTS exam. Kindly need your comment on this essay ya.. :-)

cheers,

Some people believe that studying at university or college is the best route to reach successful career, while others believe that it is better to get a job straight after school both views and give your opinion

"If money is your hope for independence you will never have it. The only real security that a man will have in this world is a reserve of knowledge, experience, and ability". The proverb which may be the answer of teenagers' hesitancy after completing their high school, whether to continue their study into higher level or directly look for a job. While a huge number of benefits to finding a position in workforce straight, I would argue that it is better to go to university.

Getting a job straight after school is probably interesting for some teenagers. It can be understood knowing that many college graduates seem hard to find a job. In fact, they graduated with a good GPA. In Indonesia, for instance, at least 360000 new graduates are still unemployed. On the other hand, without having high educational background, vocational high school alumni can get a suitable job based on their own expertise and skills. By doing so, they are able to become financially independent from their parents as soon as possible. Moreover, they they will be able to start earning for their living and finally afford their own house or start a new happy family. In terms of career, those who decide to find work, may find their career develop more rapidly. It is because they start work earlier and gain many meaningful experiences to enrich their practical skills. It is obviously related to promotions for a higher position.

In other side, numbers of the inhabitants believe that the best way to get better future is to have the high level of education. Juveniles who are apt to study at university firmly believe that the best way to find a job with competitive salary which end up prosperities is education. To illustrate, world challenging needs the contribution of professional people who have high qualifications. For example, it is not viable to reach high technologies without the assistance of experts. Therefore, university graduates put effort into accessing better job opportunities with professional and vocational qualifications and earn higher salaries than those with fewer qualifications. Also, numerous sophisticated and proficient people have many tremendous achievements. To clarify, many professions have a host of inventions. As a result, those achievements make some youngsters considerably more passionate about pursuing their studies.

In conclusion, there is more a great possibility to whom it may have higher levels of education to be successful.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for Master Petroleum Geophysics at Imperial College London [4]

Good Morning Folks,

I am now preparing for applying master in petroleum geophysics at Imperial College London. Please kindly need your constructive feedback and suggestion on my statement of purpose.

Every single remarks will be highly appreciated.

sincerely,

Andial
================================================================= ====
April 13, 2014

Dear Master Program Selection Committee of Imperial College London
London, UK

My name is Andi Alamsyah and I wish to apply for Petroleum Geophysics Master Program at Imperial College London. I believe that my excellent academic record and some teaching experiences make me a good candidate to be selected. Throughout my bachelor, I maintained a high level of academic achievements while teaching as a lecturer assistant. I graduated from Hasanuddin University with a major in Geophysics. I was able to maintain a 3.76 grade point average, allowing me to graduate as salutatorian. In addition to my academic aspects, I was a lecturer assistant for two subjects. In my second year, I was an assistant for Basic Geology and Physics. After being assistant for six months, I was entrusted to be a group coordinator in elementary physics laboratory. I was responsible not only for tutoring about physics experiment but also for monitoring the schedule, even organizing the budget for one period of experiment. Besides, once in my spare time I became private tutor for high school students who wanted to enroll to university. I believe my passion in teaching and assisting will enable me to fulfill all of my desires to share with others, to continuously expand my knowledge base and skills.

Education has always been an important aspect of my life. I had joined an independent research with my professor. I have great interest in quantitative seismic interpretation and reservoir characterization. To realize my curiosity, I did practical work in one of oil and gas Service Company in Jakarta for one month, called PT. ELNUSA Jakarta. The longer I study the more curious I am. After coming back to my university, I tried to consult to my professor about my interest. He then suggested me to do my thesis project in Oil Company. Fortunately, I passed the selection to do my thesis project in one of global oil company from United Kingdom, named BP Indonesia (British Petroleum). At BP, I got much knowledge and many experiences which I had not ever known before. On my final day, I presented my work in front of BP Indonesia geoscientists community. To make my work more valuable, I tried to share my work at a workshop with theme "accelerating oil and gas reserve discovery in eastern Indonesia" which the participants were professional geoscientists and academicians. During my bachelor study, I was active in some scientific activities. One of them which is mentioned above. My thesis project made quite interested some professionals, so I tried to publish my thesis with the title "A Seismic Rock Properties Study of A Mesozoic Reservoir in Indonesia" to The 37th IPA (Indonesian Petroleum Association) annual convention and exhibition on May 2013. Finally, my thesis was awarded as the best student paper in this event.

Although education plays a significant role in my life, I am also concerned about brotherhood and leadership, so I participated to some organizations. During University, I was a member of the Society of Exploration Geophysicist Student Chapter Hasanuddin University (SEG SC UNHAS). My last year as a member gave me the opportunity to play a more active role as a president of SEG SC UNHAS. I was responsible for arranging and preparing scientific events such as short course, guest lecture and workshop. Besides, I also was an active member of Physics Student Association of Hasanuddin University. These responsibilities had taught me to work hard and to cooperate with others to reach our goals.

Throughout my study I had participated in extracurricular activities including valuable volunteer experiences. I was an active member of Hasanuddin English Community. An English community aims to help the members enhance their English proficiency and to enrich their knowledge about social and culture in several countries. I also had taken a part of the success event as volunteer at "Joint Convention Makassar 2011" where the Indonesian Association of Geophysicists (HAGI) and the Indonesian Association of Geologists (IAGI) join together to bring a wide audience from oil, gas, mining industries as well as other related participants. Besides, I had been selected as student volunteer representative from my university to The 36th IPA Convention and Exhibition annual meeting. It is Indonesia's premier event for the oil and gas industry which aims to promote and attract investments into Indonesia. I constantly strive for excellence and am committed to making my time as an undergraduate as productive and beneficial as possible.

My goal now is to become a professional geoscientist so that I can fill the geoscientist needs of Indonesia while taking a part in exploring Indonesia natural resources as well. It is a strong belief that Petroleum Geophysics Program at Imperial College London can provide a high quality education in petroleum geology and geophysics and produce graduates for successful and socially and ethically responsible careers in the petroleum industry. Joining master program at Chulalongkorn University will enable me to interact with students and professors with various cultural backgrounds and interests. In addition, I will have an opportunity to learn many things in a more professional way and in an international atmosphere. If I can get an opportunity to be a part of this great chance, I am sure my talents will be put to optimal use and ready to implement them once I am back to my home country.

I would like to thank you in advance for considering my application.

Sincerely,

Andi Alamsyah

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: international students graduated in several canadian regions [10]

Hellooo frens, kindly need your comment ya

The graph below shows the percentage change in the number of international students graduating from universities in different Canadian provinces between 2001 and 2006.

=======================================
The given bar chart illustrates how many international students graduated from several universities in some Canadian regions during a period of five years, from 2001 to 2006.

Clearly, the number of international students in 2001 was consistently less than their counterparts in 2006 excluding in Alberta, even though there were significant distinctions among the provinces in both years.

At just under 12 percent in 2006 and approximately 7% in 2001, international graduates in New Brunswick were the highest, while the second highest percentage was happened in Nova Scotia. In the other side, students graduated in Ontario in 2001 and those graduated in Alberta in 2006 were the lowest level.

A more detailed look at the number of graduated international students, this was obviously the most marked for pupils graduating in British Columbia. On the other hand, while most regions experienced a remarkable increasing over the period, Alberta which was the fourth highest position in 2001 faced a slight reduction between 2001 and 2006.

• 
  
  

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Canadian students graduated; 3 pharagraphs [6]

Hi temans, Kindly need your comment in my 3 pharagraphs IELTS task 1,

cheers,
Andial

=======================================================

The line chart provides a breakdown regarding the growth of pupils graduated in Canada based on gender over a 15-year period between 1992 and 2007.

Overall, even though the number of female student graduated was always higher than the number of men, the increasing trends of both groups of students seems as likely to be similar. Interestingly, the gap between the number of women and men was wider and wider which female were 32% higher than man in the beginning and 52% at the end of period.

According to the given information, both student groups experienced a gradual increase from 1992 to 1995. In 2000, this growth continued up to 145000 (female) and 95000 (male), on average till the end of the period after facing a slight decrease in a next 5-year period after 1995, then flattened out at just over 70000 for male and 100000 for female. This was well above the increases that had been seen in the 1990s.

• 
  
  

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: Callum University graduates - numbers of male students [8]

Foolks, Kindly need your comment to improve my writing,

========================
The given line graph shows a breakdown of the number of men pupil graduated from faculty of science, Callum University over a 6-year period from 1995 to 2011.

Overall, it is quite interesting that the change number of male graduates experienced twice both increasing and decreasing.

According to the information provided, after plateau at 4000 in 1995, the number of male students pursuing a degree in the field of science rose slightly to just under 5000 in the next 2 years. This trend then conversely changed toward dip to a little above of its previous position in the beginning in 1999.

A more detailed look at the graph reveals that this change trend continued in the period between 1999 and 2005 and reaching the peak at approximately 7500 at the end of this particular period. This was followed by a period during which numbers dropped considerably and then remained stable at 6000 until 2011.

• 
  
  

Writing Feedback / Life is unfair; Big money for some modern artist while other struggle to survive [5]

Helooooo frens, Please kindly need your constructive input in my essay in terms of task response, coherence and cohesion, grammatical range and accuracy, range vocabulary.

Some modern artist receive huge sums of money for the things they create, while other strugle to survive. Governments should take steps to resolve this unfair situation. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

=================================================================

Life is sometimes unfair. Broadly thinking, most people who work in art industry is usually associated with rich people. It is quite understandable knowing they sell their creativity in the right way. A huge number of artists can charge money easily from their job, while many others have to take pains to earn it. In a particular point of view, It is reasonable for some reasons and government should not actually be involved in this circle.

Generally, artist has to spend most of their time in a shooting location even in weekend. In term of making film, an actor or actress has to be ready working over time to complete his or her episodes based on film director's instructions, for instance, when the movie is in deadline as his or her already receive the salary in advance. The artist is already ready to acquiesce his meaningful time not to gather with his beloved family. Clearly, effort made is directly equal to the result that is why government no needs to prevent the artist from asking a high price for it.

In many respects, artist has spent much money and time in order to find and sharpen his or her talent by taking several professional training. In contrast, other people may just fully enjoy their time doing useless things instead of finding out their talent and focusing on it. According to some beliefs, spending time and keeping struggle on doing useful activities when we were young will guarantee our better future. Again, why must a government waste energy to overcome thing which is in step with nature law?

In summary, work ethic which belongs to a person and the effort made are two important factors which may influence a person success. Thus It seem useless for government to take steps to overcome such kind of problem. Moreover, there are many urgent problems that government should pay more attention instead of thinking over about this.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Travel to and from UK and popular countries visited by BRITON [7]

Helooo fellas, long time no see :-). Please kindly need your comment on my IELTS task 1 paper

The charts below give information about travel to and from the UK, and about the most popular countries for UK residents to visit.

==============================================================

The two graphs illustrate the number alteration of British tourists travelled abroad with that of International visitors to the United Kingdom over a-20-year period between 1979 and 1999 and the 5 major countries were frequently visited by British inhabitants.

Overall, traveller from and to the United Kingdom rocketed in the 1980s and 90s. What is more, most of the journeys set up by the Briton overseas were to 5 countries only.

As per information, the former initially leveled at approximately 13 million before climbing up to six fold at the end of the survey period. By comparison, the latter number saw a slight different which was less than that of the British tourists in the beginning and faced identical yet less intensive trends, reaching approximately half as high by the end of the century.

A more closer look at the second bar chart reveals that It can be seen that while France and Spain become the largest numbers of British tourists with about 11 and 9 million visits respectively, Turkey was the least popular among the five, travelled by only around 30% as many British as France.

• 
  
  

Writing Feedback / IELTS: the peak of epidemic X disease (500 cases) [2]

The given line graph illustrates a reserach done by a university lecturer regarding the number of incidence of X disease cases found over a 35 year period between 1960 and 1995 in Someland.

A more detailed look at the graph reveals that of 100 such cases identified at the beginning of the period remained steady at that point until 5 years later. In 1975, a tremendous increase accumulated up to 500 cases was prior to considerable increase begun in 1970. After being flattened at 500 over 5 years, the trend declined substantially and continued to fall until 1990. This final falling became the most remarkable event considering that the epidemic was succesfully eradicated.

Overall, the tendency varied declined by 100 cases comparing the beginning and the end of the period. Interestingly,the peak of of the epidemic underwent between mid seventies and early 80s which the trend alteration happened every five-year.

• 
  
  

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Parcels delivered by two mail services [3]

HI folks, kindly need your comment on my 20 minutes IELTS Task 1. It counts the day before I take the real test IELTS on 24 May :-)

The diagram below gives information about the number of parcels delivered by two major mail services companies from 1920 to 2000.
===============================================

The line graph shows the alteration of parcels number delivered by two leading mail services, FedEx and TNT, over a-80-year period between 1920 and 2000.

Overall, while the two main service companies showed wide enough gap at the beginning of the period, they narrowed it in the middle of the period which was in 1960. Interestingly, the gap widened again before finally crossing over in 1990. While the number of parcels organized by TNT increased constantly, FedEx saw a fluctuation over the period.

As per information, in 1920, FedEx stood at 15000 packages taken and saw a considerable increase to approximately 17500 in 1930. After a short peak in 1940, almost reach 25000, a tremendous decrease to 12000 happened for 10 year later. On the other hand, a gradual rise of TNT parcel delivered saw consistency until 1960, at 11000. This was followed by a wide gap trend between them. Finally, in 1990, TNT crossed succesfully over FedEx in term of number parcels organized. This position was consistently showed until the end of the period.

• 
  
  

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Birth and Death rates in Switzerland [4]

Temans, again, need your input to help me score higher :-)

====================================

The chart below gives information about birth and death rates in Switzerland from 1970 to 2020 according to United Nations statistics.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
====================================

The bar chart provides information concerning the rates of natality and mortality in Switzerland over a 50 year period between 1970 and 2020 based on data provided by United Nations Statistics.

Overall, the rates of natality almost rose consistently over the focused period while the mortality rates increased only in the first half period. On the other hand, the gap between the number of births and deaths observed was wider in the last half period which reached approximately over threefold in 2020.

As per the information, at approximately 1.2 million of baby born in 1970 and flattened out in next 10 years. This was followed by a slight increase in 1990. On the other hand, while the rates of natality was higher than mortality, it was no longer happened in 1980. In term of births, the was a significant incline from 1.7 million in 1990 to 2.7 million in 2000. While the rise of birth rates continued in the following year until the end of the period, the death rates decline gradually from 1990 onwards.

• 
  
  

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Visitor from and to UK [6]

Temans, kindly need your constructive feedback on this IELTS Task 1

============================================================
The charts below give information about travel to and from the UK, and about the most popular countries for UK residents to visit.

The first chart compares the total number of international traveller from Great Britain and that country's visitor over a-20-year period from 1979 to 1999 while the second bar chart gives information about the most well-known nations were visited by Briton in 1999.

Overall, the increasing number of tourists from UK which rose far higher than that of international visitors to that country made the gap between them had widened over the particular period. Furthermore, the five most frequently countries visited by UK inhabitants in the last period pointed in the first chart had different proportion.

As per the information, the number of Briton visiting abroad stood at approximately 12 millions in 1979.It was little bit higher than traveller going to UK which was only 10 millions. While the visitor numbers of visitor going to UK inclined slightly, the visitor number from UK increase considerably. In around 1987, both visitors from and to UK continued to grow up to 55 and 25 respectively.

Looking closely at the bar chartreveals at the end of the period regarded in the first chart, France showed as the most popular countries visited by UK inhabitants which was approximately 10% higher than Spain, stood at the second position. Interestingly, Turkey which was located in the same continent as UK stood at the lowest position while USA which was in the different continent successfully got the third position higher than Greece.

•