vangiespen
Feb 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / Doctors and inventors should collaborate in many aspects to bring community better life and future [4]
Linda, your discussion started off quite well. I specially like the part of your opening statement where you claimed that "I think that both of them have same role, doctors are as substantial as inventors that are interconnected." so I was expecting to read about this interconnection in the essay. However, you did not really present a discussion that connected the two fields.
You spoke of inventors as people who make out life easy. Doctor's make healthcare easy. The only connection between the two is the word "easy". You did not really manage to portray the interconnection that you claimed the two professions have in your essay. So this weakened your discussion.
In order to strengthen the line of reasoning that you presented, you need to think of ways that inventors and doctors are similar and in the process, present the presumed connection between the two which makes life easier for everyone. Think outside the box in this instance. The connection between the two has to do with the technology involved in healthcare. Look for the discussion connection in that field.
Linda, your discussion started off quite well. I specially like the part of your opening statement where you claimed that "I think that both of them have same role, doctors are as substantial as inventors that are interconnected." so I was expecting to read about this interconnection in the essay. However, you did not really present a discussion that connected the two fields.
You spoke of inventors as people who make out life easy. Doctor's make healthcare easy. The only connection between the two is the word "easy". You did not really manage to portray the interconnection that you claimed the two professions have in your essay. So this weakened your discussion.
In order to strengthen the line of reasoning that you presented, you need to think of ways that inventors and doctors are similar and in the process, present the presumed connection between the two which makes life easier for everyone. Think outside the box in this instance. The connection between the two has to do with the technology involved in healthcare. Look for the discussion connection in that field.