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Posts by Yonathan
Name: Yonathan Kristianto
Joined: Sep 13, 2016
Last Post: Nov 1, 2016
Threads: 46
Posts: 65  
Likes: 5
From: Indonesia
School: English Studio

Displayed posts: 111 / page 3 of 3
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Yonathan   
Sep 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / Overall, there are four kind of meat noted in the graph: Beef, Pork, Broilers, and Turkeys. [2]

U.S MEAT & POULTRY CONSUMPTION PER CAPITA, BONELESS, BY SPECIES

The graph presents meat and poultry consumption in US

Overall there are four kind of meat: Beef, Pork, Broilers, and Turkeys. It is important to notice that between 1955 and 1976 beef have the highest consumption with 90 pounds per person per year. During the same period broilers consumption arose with 30 pounds per person while pork consumption were fluctuated between 50 and 40 pounds per person and turkey also fluctuated with 10 pounds per capita each year.

Between 1976 and 2012 the amount of beef consumed had decreased with 50 pounds, but broilers consumption had doubled since 1970 and arose to 55 pounds per capita. Meanwhile pork consumption were not have significant changes with 40 pounds per capita and turkey also fluctuated with 10 pounds per capita.




Yonathan   
Sep 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / CCTV Cameras Are Being Used To Monitor People Activity - Writing Task 2 [2]

Hi Faridadwi
Let me give you some advice...

In several cases, inhabitants(citizen) who are monitored do ...
... will make people feel annoyed(uncomfortable) because government ...

... using GPS to help(many) people when they get lost. A 2013 study(research) in California University ...

... afraid to do an activity because of(and) realizing that they are ...

I think in the conclusion you should make clear statement...
For Example (I agree/disagree if government using CCTV to reduce criminal rate )

Thank you...
Yonathan   
Sep 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / TED Summary Jamie Oliver Talk About Obesity and Food [3]

Jamie Oliver stated that one of four peoples in United States will die because of what they eat every day. In America the biggest death factor is caused by heart disease which is diet-related disease. As a chef, Jamie Oliver challenge people to stop eating highly-processed food and start to cook and enjoying fresh food. 30 years ago, many foods available are local and fresh but now, big companies make people far apart from the "real" food and offering fast food which added many additive ingredients and sugar.

Ensuring what children eats in the school also important things to do. In America, average kids eating fast foods in the school every day which is not fresh and not enough vegetables. It is important to control the children about what they eat and teach them to eat vegetable.
Yonathan   
Sep 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / There are many nurses migrating to developed nations in favour of well-paid vacancies. [2]

Hi Rizaldo
Let me give you some advice...

... nations in favour of well-paid vacancies(salaries) .
... health care system where nurses are the preliminary(primary) caregivers as doctors ...
Therefore, patients are often untreated and they just administered by assistant ...
It is common(happen) when nursing schools deny ...
In conclusion, doing(do) nothing to recover the cause ...
Yonathan   
Sep 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / (TED) What Islam Really Says About Women: Alaa Murabit [4]

Hi elasyari
Letme give you some advice...

In globalized(globalization) era, women's participation isare still in questionable forin all aspects due to...
... gives her perspective about women's(women) roles in Islam.

They are a foundation while it is broken, we cannot(can) built a strong power.

Thank you and keep writing
Yonathan   
Sep 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / TED Summary Why I Read a Book a Day? By Tai Lopez [3]

Tai Lopez shared his experience for everybody who pursued a good life which divided into 4 things: happiness, wealth, love, and health. The first are spend your 33% on your life around people lower than you and help them to find happiness, another 33% around people same level as you to become your friends, and the last 33% around people higher than you to become your mentor.

But some great mentors didn't live forever, and you must learn from their books. Book will help people to overcome their problem and help people to reach their good life. Tai Lopez want every people treating books like a friend, he said: "you must read it every day over and over and imagine yourself as a goldminer who just looking for that one nugget and then put it back on the shelf."
Yonathan   
Sep 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / Summary: Over 30 Killed in Attack on Nigerian School [2]

Hi Firman
Let me give you some advice...

This tragedy was(occured) two years ago in Nigeria. There was a terorism action and a part of series terorism actions(unnecesary) which involved a group ...

At that time, The insident(incident) occured on a nigerian School.
... every student into the burning bulding(building) school or killled students ...

Known that this group was(This group known as) Boko Haram which had ...
The government had planned(estimated) long day ago before ...
... Boko Haram really became enemy together(public enemy and)into Society too.

D... and Goverment together with militar(military) would effort hardly to ...

Actually your writting skills quite good
Keep writing...
Yonathan   
Sep 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / Numerous negative effects were caused by nurse migration [3]

Hi bismillah
Let me give you some advice...

One kindof(kind of) it,in developing cauntries(countries) ,as like in sub-Saharan afrika ,south Asia, and Amerika-a(America) major problem for the ...
Because of it(Therefore) ,the nurses choser to go to(tend to choose to) the developed country in order to get a big earn(earn big salaries) and better quality of ...

... money to the relatives back home [nearing $1 billion anually]
... migration in the long run, it(and goverment) does nothing to remedy ...

You should double checked your summary to reduce wrong spelling
Many wrong and disconnected sentence
Thank you and keep writing
Yonathan   
Sep 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / The nursing shortage is still a problem in both developing and developed countries [3]

IELTS Summary 9 Nurse Migration

There are many nurses today than any time in history, but nursing shortage still a problem in both developing and developed countries. In developing countries, many qualified nurses working abroad to wealthier countries to get better salary and better quality of life while at their home nurse position go unfilled or just nurses with rudimentary training. In developing countries some patients go untreated not because drugs are unavailable but because there are not enough nurses to care them.

In developed countries like Europe and North America health care services are largely needed because of largely amount of elderly. Otherwise, underinvestment in nursing education cause decline of qualified nurses for future needs. For example, nursing school refuse many qualified applicants because of their shortage of nursing faculty. Developed country need to invest in nursing education and focus on retaining and rewarding nurses appropriately.
Yonathan   
Sep 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / Should students study in the single-sex schools in order to perform better academically [3]

Hi Kwang
Let me give you some advice...

Some people think that students in single-sex schools perform better
academically. Others, however, (other people) believe that mixed schools provide children with
better social skills for adult life. Discuss botoh these views and give your own
opinion.

It is said that students should study in the single-sex schools in order to perform better academically, however, I agree with the(that point of) view that it would be better for teenagers to study in mixed school.

It is true that there are several advantages for students to study in the single-sex schools.
Firstly, students could concentrate on the courses and learning. They would not be interrupted by some gender issues.
For example, my high school was a single-sex school. And I had less chances to talk with girls at that time.
But I didn't feel anything wrong about it, instead I felt quite rather comfortable to get along with my classmates.
Besides, I could spend most of the(my) time on my(for) study and hobbies.
Secondly, there would be less gender problems in single-sex schools.
Boys and girls are different by nature.
Separating them in single-sex schools prevents some gender issues, such as sex harassment or conflicts between them, which would deter students from focusing on their learning.

On the other hand, I believe that it benefit students more (is more useful) if they(students) choose to study in mixed schools.
The main reason is that they have the opportunities to learn how to get along with the opposite sex.
The way of thinking between men and women is quite different, and if youngsters were not aware of the differences in schools, it might cause them lots of conflicts between different genders in the future.

In addition, if boys had not learn how to talk to girls, they might feel shy or nervous if they want to talk to the girls that attracted them after they left schools.

It would be difficult for them to know what kinds of words they could say and what kinds of things they should not say.
By studying in mix schools could help the young people to understand the meaning of consideration and friendliness with the opposite sex.

In conclusion, despite that some people argue that it would be better for students to study in single-sex schools, I believe that getting along with the opposite sex is a lifelong lesson, and students should learn it in the mixed school.

it would be better if you change the word "opposite-sex " or "single-sex " with "opposite-gender " and "single-gender "
Thank you and keep writing
Yonathan   
Sep 21, 2016
Writing Feedback / The incredible story of Hula Dancing and Hawaii. Gorgeous islands. [2]

Hi Dio
Your summarization are great but here is some advice to improve your writing skills...

... the characteristics of Hawaiian dancer(dancers) .

... purpose of Hula dance is for entertainment (for) tourist.
... Hula dance was changing(changed) as a result of (...) Hawaiian culture with(and) European culture.
Yonathan   
Sep 21, 2016
Writing Feedback / Hula dance takes an important role in Hawaiian culture as a part of ritual in honor of gods. [2]

IELTS SUMMARY 8 Hula Dancing In Hawaiian Culture

Hula dance takes an important role in Hawaiian culture as a part of ritual in honor of gods. Although the origin of Hula dance can be track in Hawaiian mythology even though in reality, it is impossible to know precisely when hula dance was firstly appeared. In the eighteenth century Hula dance was discouraged as a result of the contact with European culture, but, King David Kalakaua reviving hula dance in the late nineteenth century. Later, in the 1960s modern hula dance are developed to attract more tourist.

Difference between traditional and modern hula dance is based on the atmosphere. When traditional hula is an energetic dance with accompaniment of chants and the beating of drums, modern hula dance is slower and graceful with flowing guitar and ukulele music. Eventually, hula dance more recognized outside Hawaii island and becoming the icon of Hawaii island.
Yonathan   
Sep 21, 2016
Writing Feedback / Having a job that we love can be simply called as enjoying our hobby and get paid for it. [4]

Hi KiKi
Let me give you some advice

.... is to have a job you love doing(to do) while the other think ...
... people mention a lot of reason(reasons) to be happy for adults; for instance having a quality time of vacation, getting(get) monthly bonuses, ...

... they will not(do not) care of the monthly bonuses ...
However, the more enjoy people doing their job, the more experience ...

In conclusion, it is having a job you love doing is ...

Actually you writing isnt bad..
Thank you and keep writing
Yonathan   
Sep 21, 2016
Writing Feedback / Hawaii islands are one of interesting places to visit because of their original culture [3]

Hi Alamsyah
Let me give you some advice...

... in the world because they have(of their) original culture ...
Myth(Mythology) of Hawaii said that originally Hula performed (...) and created (or designed) to honor their ...
Because of that(Therefore) , Hawaiian organized a cultural ...

your summarization skill are better...
Keep writing
Yonathan   
Sep 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / TED Summary Peter Singer: The Why and How of Effective Altruism [4]

Peter Singer stated that 6.9 million children died each year in 2011 caused by preventable disease, while most people spent their money for something they didn't really need like vacation or buy a new car. Peter Singer introducing effective altruism that is movement which promoting effective and rational donation. For example: rather than spend 40.000 dollars for trained a guide dog for one blind people in America it will be better if spend 40.000 dollars for cure blind people in developing country which each people cost about 20 up to 50 dollars.

Peter Singer also stated that people should have moral obligation to help other people even though they are far away from where we live. Physical distance, race or nationality difference didn't have morally relevance as reason for not help other people.
Yonathan   
Sep 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / The popularity of electric cars did not last long due to the limited power and mediocre speed. [3]

Hi Rizaldo..
Let me give you some advice

In the early twentieth century, electric cars ...
... offers monetary incentive to individuals(any individual) who purchase the electric ...
... revealed in North America which those fascinate limited target consumers (produce electric cars) with (...) and high-speed acceleration electric sport car(and fascinate limited target consumer) .

... for commuters in innovative design (which) made with(from) light composites and two seats ...

Thank you and keep writing...
Yonathan   
Sep 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / TED Summary: Killing People are always wrong by Richard Bourke [3]

Hi Ledha
Great story and your summarization are great but,
Let me give you some advice...

... to save some poor people who were(have) been stated to ...
There were some case(cases) which is handled by them (...), there were also (get) some happiness moment there.
In this case, there were(was) a mother of the youngest ...
Keep writing...
Yonathan   
Sep 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / Cars have been used as public transportation since early twentieth century [3]

IELTS SUMMARY 7 Electric Cars Around the Globe

Cars have been used as public transportation since early twentieth century, even though gas-powered cars polluted urban area with exhaust and consumed gasoline which is irreplaceable resources. But technology advance offer the new alternative for eco-friendly public transportation such as electric car which is more quitter and don't produce greenhouse gases. Many major brands like Mitsubishi, Nissan, Toyota, and Mercedes Benz produce electric cars and distributing around the world.

Electric cars were invented in early twentieth century even though it didn't gained much popularity because they were not able to travel the required distances and their slow speed. But now, the most advance sport electric car that can travel 300 miles on a single charges and accelerate from 0 to 60 mph in3.7 seconds. Electric cars are the new answer for urban life problem like air pollution and oil price rising.
Yonathan   
Sep 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / Conventional cars, which use gasoline, are highly polluted, they are now less desirable [3]

Hi Erwin
Let me give you some advice...

The oil price rises, the(and) reserves of irreplaceable oil ...
... 60 mph in 3.7 seconds. (Otherwise,)They are(auto manufactures) marketing electric cars in Europe...
The design of many of this car is(are) innovative: some are made ...

Actually i dont see grammatical mistake but many sentence are disconnected from previous sentence because you dont use your own word in this summary
Next time it wil better if you use your own word...
Thank you and keep writing...
Yonathan   
Sep 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / Ancient civilization attributed the original of writing to the gods. [4]

Hi MJT
Let me give you some advice to improrove you writing skills in the future...

(Some civilizations like) Ancient Mayans, Sumerians, and Assyrians believed (that) writing original with certain gods.
(Later,) Writing systems developed independently ...
... in Mesopotamia around 3000 B.C.(Otherwise,) The oldest form of China(Chinese) writing was around 1500 B.C.

Many sentence are disconnected with other sentence because you dont use your own word in this summary
It will better if you use your own word
Thank you and keep writing...
Yonathan   
Sep 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / Europe is the pioneer in underground railways system. Comparison. [3]

IELTS SUMMARY 6 Major Subways of Europe

Europe is the pioneer in underground railways system as public transportation and London was built the first subway in the world which opened in 1863. At this time, train still used steam engine and the smoke must be released through the vent in the surface. Otherwise, in 1825 London was build pedestrian tunnel under the Thames River which is the first underwater tunnel in the world.

Paris also built a subway to compete London and opened when Olympic held in Paris in 1900. Paris metro is known for its beauty which decorated with mosaic, sculptures, paintings, and innovative doors and walls. After that Moscow built underground railway in 1935 which filled with artworks like statuary, painting, and mosaic.

Except for transportation, underground railways have many advantages. For example, subway was used as bomb shelters when World War II, and Moscow subways also was used as military headquarters.
Yonathan   
Sep 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / West Java aims for grand opening ceremony [6]

Hi Andika
Let me give you some advice....

In this year, during a week from (...), West Java will be held PON (National Games) which is followed ...
After that, the opening ceremony (also) shows many cultures and endorse(promoting) environment which was ...

There are several athletes came from every(several)branches(kind) of sports for bring torchbearers ...

... government also planning to build up vacasional school(off school activity) among facilities of PON such as ...
... followed by Jakarta in the second place, the third position was occurred ...
Yonathan   
Sep 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / The oldest form of circus has existed in Roman Empire around sixth century [2]

IELTS SUMMARY 5 HISTORY OF THE CIRCUS

The oldest form of circus has been existed in Roman Empire around sixth century B.C. Circus Maximus was public entertainment at that moment containing chariot races, gladiator fight, and exhibits of exotic animals. When Roman Empire fall, the circus reduced to small member include performer and animal trainer and travel around the world.

When the Dark Ages, the circus went from one village to another village and entertained people. However, in the Dark Ages leisure time was extremely rare, but people still have few opportunities to enjoyed circus performance. Modern circus was founded by an Englishman named Philip Astley during late 1700s. Philip was invented some performance like stunt riding in the horseback and performed in a circus ring. After Astley's death, the circus already known in America during the early 1800. Joshua Brown introduced portable tents in 1825 and used by modern circus until now.
Yonathan   
Sep 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / A new device created by LouAnne Boyd at the University of California at Irvine, helps learn language [3]

Hi Ledha
Let me give you some advice...

... which the tones will probably enconter(encounter) the most difficulties ...
However, a new devise(device) is created by LouAnne Boyd (...) team to support the autisms(autism) in their social ...
... valuable for many people and the autistic (who) feel worthless.

Actually your writing skills are pretty good but it will better if you did double checked on your writing to reduce some mistakes like typo

Thank you and keep writing...
Yonathan   
Sep 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / There is a magic headset which will help you learn Chinese. [2]

Hi Terminal...
Let me give you some advice...

... most extremely difficult but there are utilizing by(using) headset will help ...
The device will help sosial(social) communication for autism that ...
It help the autism(autistic people) speak in flat intonation. It(This) system have (been) tested by fourteen autistic people.

Thank you and keep writing...
Yonathan   
Sep 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / Nowadays, people assume that muscles are the main factor which determine athlete performance [5]

IElTS SUMMARY 4 Peripheral Vision in Sports

Until up recently, people assumed that muscle are the main factor which determine athlete performances, but it proved that athlete's visual ability have the main role for athlete performance. When athlete performing sports, they must keep track as much as possible while performing physical maneuvers and tracking fast objects. Otherwise, athlete's body position must integrate with eye movement to assist in balance. Other aspect like environment also contributes to athlete visual sharpness like sufficient lightning, non-confusing uniform color combinations.

Athlete's rate of blinking also influenced their vision, when athlete blinking about two and a half seconds every minute and more than that if athlete is anxious. Blinking cause rapid blur that happen when athlete's eyes move in and out of focus on specific objects. For anticipation, more practice will serve the athlete well, in many ways.
Yonathan   
Sep 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / White Gulls Dependent On Ice Are Disappearing From The Arctic [4]

Hi Andika
Let me give you some advice...

Life in the world is not(isnt) just humans (but) there are also are animals.

The good impact of the persistence of these birds them ... ==> (What does it mean?)
However others(other) impacts will be extincted and ...

Thank you...
Yonathan   
Sep 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / Taklimakan desert occupy about 337.600 square km of northwestern China [3]

Plant Life in The Taklimakan Desert

Taklimakan desert occupy about 337.600 square km of northwestern China and consist of sand dunes up to 250 m tall, daily temperature up to 68 F and lack of water. But some plant form has developed unique mechanism that adapted to extreme temperature and high-salt soil. For example, desert plants like Euphrates poplar has an extensive root that allow to absorb water far away. Otherwise, P. euphratica have ability to opening and closing the stomata for minimize evaporation and conducts photosynthesis. And Tamarisk plant, have high tolerance for salty conditions and produces its own salt for repellent another plant.

Although under extreme condition, desert plants have some benefits for ecosystem. For example, desert plants like Euphrates have extensive root and stabilizing sand dunes and preventing erosion. Otherwise, desert plants also becoming home and protect some animals in the desert from predator or extreme temperature.
Yonathan   
Sep 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / Populus euphratica, Tamarix ramosissima, and Alhagi sparsifolia - these plants grow on desert [3]

Hi Alamsyah
Let me give some advice for you...

Taklimakan(desert) is the second larger(largest) desert in the world ...
..., and has a extreme climate which ordinary plants scald in the summer ...(which ordinary plant cant survive) . Fortunately there are three plants(some plants) that can survive with the ...

... ways to defend and still life(thrive) .

(insert conclusion paragraph)

for next summary it would be better if you have clear paragraph. Thank you...
Yonathan   
Sep 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / Birds abilities to navigate through very long distance has fascinating observers for centuries [2]

IELTS SUMMARY 2 BIRDS MIGRATION

Many kinds of animal travel each year from cold to warmer place to breed and survive, and probably bird migration are the most interesting from other animals. The most common of bird migration is travelling to higher latitudes during the warm season and returning to lower latitudes for nesting and feed the young. During migration birds fly for a limit period, probably about six to eight hours and take a distance about several hundred miles. However, some birds undertake much longer flights when their routes include large amount of water. For example, some bird regularly crossing the Gulf of Mexico and flight continuously up to 1000 miles.

How bird ability to navigate through very long distance has fascinating observer for century. Researchers found that migratory bird have some ability to navigate through extraterrestrial object like stars and sun or geographic features like mountain or sea coast.
Yonathan   
Sep 13, 2016
Writing Feedback / Logging industry can affect forests by loss of water, nutrients, and shelter for living organisms [3]

IELTS SUMMARY 1 ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACTS OF LOGGING

Logging industry supplied for an array of products. However, this can harm environment like habitat loss, and climate change. Logging industry can affect the forest like loss of water, nutrients, and shelter for plants, animals, and microorganism.

logging can affect on soil. For example, the rainforest floor, which have leaves and branches intercepting heavy rainfall to prevent soil damage, the roots also prevent erosion. Trees also helps maintain a steady water and the shade inhibits the growth of algae. Logging lead to oxygen depletion, killing fish and other wildlife. Tree also against air pollution with remove carbon dioxide and filter pollutants from air. Deforestation is responsible about one-fifth of carbon dioxide emissions worldwide.

Protecting forest can be done with responsible logging and ensure biodiversity and habitats are protected. Responsible logging also prevent global warming and climate change for future generations.

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