Undergraduate / My struggling... culture shock? multicultural? Personal importance thing [7]

Hi Shi, well, I do not think that you actually need to add to anything more to the essay that you currently have written unless you want to. Like I said, the prompt is what needs to be replaced. Not the content of the essay. You see, there are times when you write an essay and you think that it perfectly responds to a particular prompt that you want to respond to. In this case, the essay was accidentally written in response to a different prompt. Maybe you were previously considering that prompt then changed your mind. Whatever the reason, your essay best fits the prompt I suggested above. So go ahead and switch the essay prompts around. The essay will be better off after the switch is made and it will not cost you any revision of content either. So it is a win-win situation for you.

Undergraduate / The words "software", "program" always more important than a "game" [8]

Chen, the statement that you developed does not even begin to respond to the prompt. None of the sections in it clearly discuss why you are interested in attending Georgia Tech. The first half verges on the side of a personal statement. The next half, shows a half researched, mostly just rushed and disinterested essay that supposedly explains why you want to attend the university. If you want to see an example of what a weak response to the prompt essay is, then you have successfully created one. Delete this essay. Do not use it. Instead, create a new essay. One that shows a familiarity with the university extra curricular activities. That is one of the best and simplest way to respond to the prompt. Discuss a particular organization or club that exists at the university that you hope to become a member of because of your interest in a specific college major. That should work to help you develop the foundation of your response to the essay in a more prompt aligned manner.

Undergraduate / "Temporary" feelings. UVA "What is your favorite word and why?" Is it too silly and over dramatic? [6]

Jenna, while some students here might tell you that it is okay to go over a certain percentage of the word count and the system will still accept your essay, I am of a different opinion. There is a reason that you were given a word requirement. That is meant to keep the essay focused on the discussion topic provided. The reviewers only have a limited amount of time to review essays so they do not have time to waste wading through wordy essays. They normally just skip those, in the event of paper essays, or the system totally rejects the essay during online submission so your paper will never even have a chance to be read. So be cautious and rule abiding. That means, stick to the maximum word count. That is, if you value your application to the university.

Now, with the 250 words, you were instructed to discuss only one specific word that you find to be your favorite. Yet, I count at least 3 words being discussed in this essay. Keep in mind that the reviewer is also judging your ability to follow instructions as that is an integral part of being a college bound student. Your work obviously tells him that you are a rule breaker. You were told to discuss one word and you discussed numerous words instead. That will make him rethink your application status to his university. So you should edit the content instead. Do specifically what the prompt requires, which is to discuss one, singular, solitary word that is your favorite term to use in your daily life.

Undergraduate / The car I was in flipped three times and hit a tree - common app essay prompt # 5 [3]

Breiar, this is definitely not a transition to adulthood story. I do not know what ever made you think that the content of this essay showcased a transition event. Not even the fact that you cheated death makes this a transition to adulthood story. If anything, this essay most properly represents prompt number 1. You know, the one that goes like this:

Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

You have written a very lovely essay that has some eye opening reminders for the readers. However, there is no clear transition that happened within. You won't even have to develop a new essay response for the prompt mentioned above. Your work already fits the requirements. That is why I am suggesting that you change the prompt to something more relevant based on the current list of available prompt requirements.

Undergraduate / Five days which taught me a lot. Cornell ILR program-- Why Cornell?? [2]

Katie, this particular presentation is preventing you from properly developing the discussion as to how Cornell ILR will help you pursue your interests. While the presentation is creative, there is a lack of proper discussion development as to how specific ILR concerns presented itself during this week at camp. Even worse, you failed to properly develop the discussion of how Cornell ILR will be able to help you learn more about or understand why these sorts of situations occur. Single sentence representations of that discussion is not enough. There is a clear lack of familiarity with the course offerings and objectives of the department at Cornell University. You basically presented general ideas that could apply to any other university in terms of discussion development. The reason why Cornell ILR is the only university for you should be more academic centered and allow you to showcase an understanding of Industrial Labor Relations. You can still use the same conversation from this essay. Just present it in a more fluid discussion in essay format in order to allow yourself the freedom to properly develop your discussions. You can self edit if you go over the word count. You of all people should know when and where you can cut certain content of the essay without affecting the overall presentation.

Scholarship / Academic excellence and character. Recommendation for a student to get Erasmus Mundus Scholarship. [3]

Noman, you can skip paragraph 4 of this letter of recommendation. It doesn't really serve a purpose in the essay because the teacher is not your teacher in charge nor is he your guidance counselor. So he is not considered an authority when it comes to discussing your moral character and ability to interact with your classmates. Focus the letter only the topics that are relevant to his relationship with you. That is the discussion of his observations regarding your abilities as a student and a researcher. Do not change anything in the first paragraph. It is very relevant when it comes to helping the reviewer understand the kind of guidance this teacher offered you and why he has a certain observation about you in relation to certain academic related activities. The rest of the essay will be better once you remove the irrelevant paragraph 4.

Undergraduate / Cross country race - high hopes and no success. Common App Personal Essay [4]

I am not sure why you chose to title this essay "My ambiguous experience". Ambiguous means "open to more than one interpretation; having a double meaning." or "unclear or inexact because a choice between alternatives has not been made." It would seem to me that neither of these scenarios existed for you in this instance. You were never torn between two choices. You had to finish the race. If there are no choices for you in the essay, the title automatically becomes wrong and the narrative becomes incorrect. Therefore, you should either change the title of your essay or, add a conflict to the story that gives you the opportunity to choose between two possible lines of action prior to your decision to finish the race. The essay needs to fulfill all requirements of the prompt or the title that you created in order to become a relevant part of your application documents.

Undergraduate / Pitzer, what's next? College Supplemental - Pitzer's 5 Core Values [3]

Breonna, you can free up word count to further develop your concluding statement if you totally eliminate the current first paragraph that you have. There is no need to review the points that the prompt made in the opening paragraph, this is not a TOEFL or IELTS written test, this is a college application essay. By immediately discussing the relevant core values starting with the proper first paragraph, you will have more words with which to strengthen or properly develop the paragraphs that you perceive as being weak in your essay.

Your current 4th paragraph does not seem to actually reflect a particular core value in the essay. It seems to have just been thrown into the essay without proper consideration for the relevance and importance of the statement in the essay. If you remove that paragraph, your essay will better represent the values of Pitzer and also, offer you the most accurate opportunity to fully develop all aspects of your core values discussion.

Undergraduate / "Thud!" My last throw. COMMON APP Personal Statement [3]

Ivan, what exactly are the instructions for this personal statement? I am not sure what the relevance of the story is in terms of your personal statement and college application. A normal personal statement, one that does not follow a specific prompt requirement usually discusses the development of your interest in your course major and the reason why you have chosen to apply to a specific university. This narrative is nothing like that. So I am wondering if you have been required to tell a specific story or relate a particular incident that will help to respond to the prompt. I would appreciate it if you could provide us with a copy of the instructions you were given so that I can properly consider your essay content as a representation of the prompt requirements.

Scholarship / Great motivational principle from my father. Global Undergraduate Exchange Program 2017 [2]

You have presented excellent starting points for discussions regarding your ability to become a great participant in the program. However, you have not properly developed the salient points of your essay. Overwhelming the reviewer with under developed information about your talents and skills is not really going to show him why you make a considerable candidate for the program. You should cut down your presentation to your top 3 most notable skills or accomplishments which should help to make you stand out as an ideal candidate. At the moment, you have all of your abilities listed but none of them really stand out because your discussions lack development in terms of showing the usability of these skills once you get to the United States. Some of your paragraphs are mere statements that have not been developed into properly informative paragraphs. A long essay is not as good as a short and informative essay. In your case, you should opt for short but informative.

Undergraduate / Dualities permeate my existence. Common App Promp #1-College Essay [3]

Thu, remove the paragraph that discusses religion. Since you are trying to get into a university in the United States, you should be aware that religion is a highly volatile topic for discussion in their society. In order to not accidentally offend anyone who might be reading your essay, it is in your best interest to not present your religious point of view in it. Be politically correct. Don't present any information that could trigger a negative impression of your personality, beliefs, or ideologies. In addition to that, the opening statement is irrelevant to your background, identity, talent, or interest. You can adjust the second paragraph to make it the opening statement instead and just indicate that you moved to the US from Vietnam in a single sentence. Doing that will make the essay more relevant to the prompt and allow you to focus the attention of the reviewer on the relevant essay response portions.

Undergraduate / An essay that shows why I am going to be a great participant for the UGRAD scholarship [4]

Ahmed, you make mention of volunteering at organizations that helped you to participate in various programs related to cultural exchange or community service. You have to mention these specific groups and the time / year when you participated in the activity because the reviewer will want to verify those claims before considering it a valid claim in support of your application. Your essay too wordy at the moment. The length of the essay doesn't correspond to the content because you just keep on repeating the same statement over and over again with different references involved. I strongly advice you to simply choose the most impressive participation that you had which can justify your participation in the UGRAD program and present it in the essay. You have to review the essay and try to either shorten or present new information in each paragraph. Don't aim for length, aim for relevant content instead.

Undergraduate / How do you improve the life of others? MIT essay [8]

Antonio, the Olympiad is not really an acceptable community service. That is because it does not do anything to develop the community in terms of bettering the lives of the people living there. However, since this is the only community service that you have done, you should just try to slant the essay in such a manner that your service seems like something that benefits the community. For example, you can say something about the students in the school in your community not doing well in math. Say that in the regional tests, your community ranks among the lowest when it comes to Math learning. Now, you can indicate that you know the importance of Math in terms of creating a better future for oneself because college courses require a student to know at least the math basics if they are to succeed in their chosen degree. That is why you took it upon yourself to train the students in Math. In order to prepare them for a better future, you decided that they should join olympiads in order to help them keep abreast of their math lessons and offer them real world application and practice for the math theories you taught them. In the end, beyond the olympiad, the students gained a better ranking in the regional tests, so you are confident that you have helped them to at least secure a chance of performing well in college, specially if they enter math specific courses. Do you think you can revise the essay to sound similar to what I have indicated here?

Graduate / The proseminars in particular attract me. Seeking an advice on Personal Statement for MIT Sloan MFin [7]

Yes Ng. Like I said, there is no problem with the later part of your essay. The only parts you need to pay attention to are the paragraphs that I indicated above. Since you agree with me regarding the removal of those paragraphs, then you do not need to make any formal content revisions to the essay. From my response, you can tell that the essay works quite well in terms of prompt responsiveness and only needs to be adjusted in terms of format in order to prepare the essay for a final draft review. Can you tell me why you find it hard to answer the third part of the prompt? Maybe there is something I am missing here or perhaps I can clarify your concerns regarding what troubles you in that paragraph? This essay will not be finally ready to use until you are actually satisfied with the response you developed. So I will work with you until you feel comfortable with the overall essay content.

Undergraduate / NERD, GEEK & DORK -TUFTS- [4]

Kelly, in order to properly decide as to the relevance of this introduction and your other ideas for the essay, you first need to tell us what the prompt requirement that you are trying to fulfill is. The use of the 3 terms will not be considered cuss words because those are now, simply considered "English slang" representations of certain character traits or ideas regarding the aura or appearance of a person. The part that you have posted doesn't feel like an opening statement. It feels like a total essay at this point. So you may want to reconsider the content of the paragraphs you have presented. Try to present a coherent singular discussion that already includes your personal definition if you wish. Whether or not this will make for an acceptable essay will depend totally on how the original prompt dictates the discussion to flow. For that decision, you need to present the original prompt to use when you can.

Undergraduate / This tragic moment granted something inside of me - background statement [5]

Seble, the essay doesn't make any sense. It is not really a background essay, nor is it an ideology essay. It definitely is not a transition essay either. It doesn't meet any of the prompt requirements for that discussion specifically. It seems like something that you just developed for the prompt, without really understand or analyzing the prompt requirements. This is an essay that is trying to appear to be more intellectual than it really is. Which, in all honesty, it isn't. There is nothing in this essay that showcases a background discussion that is relevant to the reviewer. Most likely because you never developed a prompt statement for your opening statement discussion in the first place. The whole essay is useless. It doesn't do anything for your application. Try to develop your own prompt requirement based upon your background story first. Make sure that it shows a proper transition to adulthood. Then present your developed prompt and discuss.

Undergraduate / From the clunky weirdo with ADHD to a dedicated student and a fulfilled musician. [8]

Kacper, first of all, you have to stop saying "Bam!" in between paragraphs. It gets on the nerves of the reader. I know, you are trying to keep the drum theme going here but constantly shocking the reader is the best way to get the reviewer to decide you are a crazy person applying to their school. It will harm your application. So do it once, at the point where it might have the most impact. Don't do it all throughout the essay.

Next, address the elephant in the room. Why did your mother suggest that you try or start playing drums? Your mother's encouragement is vital to the discussion because without her suggestion, it doesn't seem logical that you would have ended up playing the drums, even with all the bullying you were experiencing. Point out the reasons why she felt that doing that activity would help you out. Then maybe, the essay will make more sense.

Undergraduate / Barnard supplement- possibly too obscure; questionable structure? too idolizing? [3]

Anna, there is no need for a blow by blow account of how you would spend a total of 60 minutes with the woman that you idolize. Instead, you should present that hour in a fluid essay discussion. With your questions represented and the possible responses and rebuttals you might be getting from here. Mostly because you already know everything to know about this person so it would be logical that you can relate the blow by blow account of the discussion in an interesting manner. BTW, there is a case of TMI in this essay. There is no need to tell the reviewer about your love life. That is an irrelevant part of the discussion that you are trying to present. Keep the discussion on an academic and professional level. The personal matters should not be involved here. It taints the hour long discussion that you are having with the person. Your discussion is not really idolizing nor obscure. It is a highly intellectual discussion actually and I enjoyed reading it.

Undergraduate / Barnard Supplements - my need to be in an empowering, tight knit community of ambitious women [3]

Anna, this essay sounds more like an outline draft than an actual response to the prompt. You must refrain from using parenthesis with additional information and most specially, avoid using "etc." in any given paragraph. That is a clear sign of lack of professional writing experience and a haphazard writing style. The writer is obviously not focused on truly developing the discussion provided because the short cut term for "and so on and so forth" is constantly used in the response. Admissions officers may view your response as rude and offensive because of it.

Do not discuss the city that Barnard is located in. That is clearly a prompt deviation because you are being requested to focus your essay response only on the university and the college of your choice. There is nothing in the prompt that allows you to discuss the location of the university and hence, it should not be mentioned in the essay at all. Focus on the prompt requirements alone. That shows a clear concentration on developing the proper response and also, an ability to follow given instructions. That ability, to do as you are told, is a very important character trait of a college student and should be reflected throughout all your essay discussions.

Undergraduate / A plethora of opportunities - NYU SUPPLEMENTAL ESSAY (WHY NYU?) [4]

Kamaljot, do your best to avoid the most common answers regarding why you would choose to study at NYU. That includes the excitement that the city the university is located in offers. Go beyond that. Based on what you have written, most of the information that you have is based upon research. Yet the information does not clearly relate to you. That clear connection does not come until the 3rd paragraph. Which is where you state your chosen major and how NYU can help you become better educated in that area. So why not build your essay upon that premise instead? That is a very strong and individualized line of reasoning that clearly shows why you would end up studying at NYU if given the chance. I would not mention that you want to become a physician someday though. That is a discussion deviation. Just focus on the English Lit and English major discussion since the validity of your response rests within that eye opening paragraph. Even the last paragraph is relevant and well developed for the idea of the prompt. So I would work on developing those 2 paragraphs instead when you revise your response.

Scholarship / The vital role of aid assistance. Draft essay for an Australian Award Scholarship [7]

Bona, you should not merely mention the two universities and then launch into a discussion about Australia's relevance to your education. If you review the prompt requirements, the information required is more related to the reasons as to why you chose to be considered for admission to the two universities that you have mentioned. So basically, this is a 2 paragraph essay in terms of the university choices. Each paragraph should thoroughly explain the specific reasons that you opted to pursue studies at each university. Make sure to highlight at least one unique aspect of each academic institution. You cannot choose them based on similar or the same reasons. Each university must stand out in your application form on its own merit. Right now, there is no differentiation between the two in the essay and that adversely affected the focus and relevance of your developed response.

Undergraduate / 'a very fitting school academically and socially for me' - Georgia Tech Supplemental Essay [3]

Jason, I believe that your essay is highly informative in terms of what attracts you to the university. The fact that you declared the title of your response as "Problem Based Learning" already speaks volumes about your reasons for applying for admission. If you can, please offer an example of how you used problem based learning in the past in order to better illustrate the reason as to why you believe that this teaching method is a good reason for your interest in Georgia Tech. This is a unique essay in the sense that your approach is not one that looks at the more common reasons for the "fit" with the university. Your discussion about how the balance of study and relaxing is represented in the university and your personality is also a good answer. It shows how serious you are about your studies, but that you also recognize the need to kick back and relax on campus at certain times.

Undergraduate / Operation: Duke Supplementary Essay For Trinity College of Arts & Sciences! [10]

Emily, you can totally remove the reference to Operation in the essay. Since you only have 150 words to express the reason why Duke is a perfect match for you, I suggest that you just get right to the point. I know, most advisers tell you to create a hook, an interesting opening to catch the reviewer's attention. That only works when you are looking at an essay of at least 250 words long. With 150, just get to the point already. The number of words that the essay requires is part of the testing system of the university. It says "Show me how well you can express yourself in as few words as possible." So by telling the reviewer just what he needs to know, provided you are over the minimum word requirement, then your essay will be as responsive as it can be and better stand a chance that the reviewer will actually finish reading your statement.

Undergraduate / Dual identity of Asian-American (Princeton Supplement) [10]

I applaud you for the developed discussion that you made in this essay. Your words are clear and strong. There is a definite understanding that you were not coming into the essay with a sense of embarrassment or disenchantment because of the difficulties you experiences growing up. The message that came across, that of a person who has learned to tread the border of two cultures in order to develop his own unique, inexplicable culture is the strength that makes this essay memorable. Believe me when I tell you that you need not change anything more in this essay. Provided that you are within the maximum word count requirement, you don't have any need to edit the content. Submit this essay as is and be confident in the fact that the essay delivers a notable message to the reviewer with regards to who you are. He will understand exactly who you are and why you are like that.

Scholarship / Lehigh university - My dream school and the best choice possible [5]

It is understood that with 145 characters you used to describe the visit should be enough to entice the reader. So your tweet works, but I feel like something is still missing. What is it? Oh! the hashtag! You forgot to develop a witty or memorable hashtag for your tweet that could help the school gain viral interest in the web. Remember, the hashtags make the tweet memorable and trending. So don't forget to develop a creative one for your tweet.

Your 3rd and 4th paragraphs can use some further development. The information is too general in presentation, which gives away the fact that you haven't visited the campus yet. So do some research and use the names of places, organizations, or activities of interest that would best embody the tweet that you sent out. You have to show a familiarity with the university. That is why this essay is all about.

Scholarship / The greatest leader is not necessarily the one who does the greatest things - Ronald Regan [3]

Mahmmoud, your essay needs to be better focused, not on your understanding and interpretation of the words of the great president Ronald Reagan, but rather, it should focus on the leadership qualities that you have, which came about when you were not expected to be a leader in the situation. All of the scenarios that you present show your leadership skills as you are expected to display them in a position of leadership. However, the quote, asks you how you can be a great leader when you cannot do anything great. Think of how you make small contributions to the community in the hopes of creating a better environment. Or how you strive to perform well in extra curricular activities because you want to make a difference in the world. Those unnoticed moments of leadership are the driving force behind the understanding of what Pres. Reagan said. That is how you should present the essay. Think about small contributions you have made that resulted in big differences in the lives of people your know or interact with.

Undergraduate / Rice Personal Perspective Essay- My dad's alcoholism [5]

Devin, the introduction to the day that you have int he first paragraph is totally unnecessary. That is because the focus of that paragraph was focused on setting up the scenario and your mother's reaction to it. You were totally out of the picture in that paragraph. If your importance to the situation cannot be represented in a paragraph then it doesn't serve a purpose in the essay. the second paragraph that starts with you finding your father in the driveway is, in my opinion, the best way to open the essay. The scenario set up is clear and the sentiments that you displayed were far more effective than anything you could have said in the first paragraph. Your word count will go down immensely if you remove the opening statement and just focus directly on your relationship with your father in relation to the prompt requirement.

Writing Feedback / Bill Gates finding about effective method of teaching [3]

Mohammad, I am not sure about how to review your essay. That is because you failed to provide the prompt requirement that accompanied the response that you wrote. Is this something that belong to an IELTS, TOEFL, or any other educational qualifying exam practice test? Or are you responding to a specific college application prompt? My response and advice to what you have written will depend upon the kind of purpose that this essay was written for. That, depends upon the prompt you have been given.

I feel like there is much more to Bill Gate's representation in the essay than what you have here at the moment. Is this supposed to be an article summary? If so, please provide the link. Your essay doesn't reflect the kind of discussion that your chosen title implied the reader would have learned if he had opted to read your essay from beginning to end. Please provide the additional information soon so that a more relevant review of your essay can be made.

Undergraduate / Harvard Supplemental - branching out from my academic comfortable zone [2]

Breonna, don't worry about the structure. The essay has a solid foundation that clearly shows a sense of logic and determination to succeed in order to assure yourself of a better chance at college admission. The discussion is logical and depicts the clear method by which you decided to leave your comfort zone. However, the end discussion as to how the class turned out for you turned out. I think that it would be best to deliver the information of how you did in that class in order to create a better foundation for academic diversity on your part. For example, you can indicate what kind of final grade you got in the class. The information about your final GPA will help to create a strong discussion in support of a student who sought academic diversity and accomplished his goal. It does not matter if the GPA is the highest in the class or not. What matters is that the GPA reflects the reason why this class is one of the most important in your life. It better supports your claim of success beyond your comfort zone.

Undergraduate / My struggling... culture shock? multicultural? Personal importance thing [7]

Shi, what you have discussed in this essay is a better fit for the prompt that dictates:

Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

Reviewing the content of your essay does not display a problem, research query, ethical dilemma, or some issue of personal importance that warranted the development of a solution. The narrative you have chosen portrays more a background story regarding your desire for a better education overseas. When an essay has been written with such emotion and relevance to the background of a person, I normally suggest that the essay be used in its original form, but in response to a different prompt. That way the hard work that you did on the essay is not wasted. I wonder if you would consider doing such a thing? If you opt to use the above prompt instead, you will have to write a totally new essay that is more relevant to the prompt requirements.

Undergraduate / Beethoven's Opus 109 - Stanford Essay - Intellectual Development [9]

Donut, I believe that you need just one more paragraph to complete this essay. The concluding statement must reflect the kind of intellectual maturity that you developed as an artist while learning to play Opus 109. Earlier in the essay you claimed that you came to understand that in order to play this piece properly, you needed to have a deeper sense of pain, of intellectual maturity. So, your failure to properly play this piece, and your eventual understanding of what it takes to play this piece must have led to a type of intellectual maturity that has come to be reflected in the way that you play your pieces now. I believe that indicating this in the essay will help it to close on a highly revealing and intriguing note.

Graduate / The proseminars in particular attract me. Seeking an advice on Personal Statement for MIT Sloan MFin [7]

Ng, I see two paragraphs that can be removed from the essay because they do not really help to enhance the responses to the 3 questions posed in the prompt. I advise you to simply delete paragraphs numbered 1 and 5. Also, you can remove the letter type introduction at the beginning of the essay. This is supposed to be formatted as a straightforward essay because of the prompt requirements. This is not a motivation letter but rather, a statement of purpose. Therefore, the formatting to be used is not that of a letter. By the way, if you complete the removal of the previously mentioned paragraphs, along with the letter formatting (salutations and closing greeting), the essay will be reduced to a word count of 464. So you will go comfortably below the maximum word count. The overall content of your response is applicable and direct to the point. The reviewer will definitely appreciate your short, informative, and verifiable essay.

Undergraduate / How do you improve the life of others? MIT essay [8]

Antonio, the anecdote that you are sharing tends to be more concentrated on your self satisfaction that comes from helping the others in your community to become exactly like you. You are proud of the influence that you have on them because you are creating clones of yourself. The essay is not asking you about how you gain self satisfaction from the community work that you do. Instead, it is asking you to discuss how the community is improved by your presence or the activities that you perform within the circle. Therefore, you need a more community inclusive activity that is not related to your expertise in Math. It has to be something that helps others discover something good about themselves, achieve something that they could not before you came into their lives, or something that helped the community because you made sure to help them.

Try to not focus so much on Math in all your essays. Diversify your topics so that the reviewer will not get Math saturated in your essays. Do you have any other social activity that does not relate to Math but still has you participating in a social development exercise? It doesn't even have to be focused on the community. As the prompt dictates, you can even discuss how some things or a specific thing that you do within your family has helped to improve the family dynamic for all the members of your family. Maybe that would be something that you could develop more easily?

Undergraduate / I need to go further in my efforts. Common application essay for Transfer 2017 Fall [7]

Zhang, there is a clear redundancy in the first and second paragraphs. The information you provide are mere repetitions and continuations of the first discussion. I would like to see you combine the first two paragraphs in order to create one solid flow of thought in your opening statement. Accomplishing that will show that you have a clear number of reasons for wishing to transfer, instead of coming across as a student who is unclear about his reasons for transfer, which is the image the current essay portrays due to the redundancies. A person who is unsure of what he wishes to say tends to keep repeating his statements in an essay so you have to avoid that pitfall. Aside from that observation, I do not believe that the essay itself requires much work. The presentation is tight and informative. It gives the reviewer room to consider your reasons for transfer, which are quite strong and highly uncommon as given reasons.

Scholarship / UGRAD Program will be a great chance for me to show up with new ideas and new thoughts [3]

Fatima, either you have not fully developed your essay paragraphs or you have not written the essay properly. All of your early paragraphs remain under developed and lacking in focus. These seem more like unrelated statements that do not really qualify your ability to become a good participant in the program. You should work on developing your paragraphs but first, you have to choose the top 5 topics that you feel will best represent your discussion. Try to keep your essay down to only 5 -6 paragraphs because this particular version is too long and informative in the manner that it should be. If you edit your earlier paragraphs, you will most likely be able to present a more coherent, cohesive, and accurate representation of your ability to be a great participant in the program.

Undergraduate / Body and mind synchronized through the dance - Undergraduate supplemental essay [4]

Kalei, I am not clear on why you dance just for the pleasure of it. While you give a highly descriptive explanation of how you feel when you dance, you do not indicate why you dance. What do you get out of it? How does dancing satisfy something within you? Is it a craving? A desire? A purpose fulfilled? It appears that you have given a very superficial response to the essay prompt. There is no depth in your response. The reviewer does not learn anything about you as a person from what you have written in relation to the activity. when you are doing something, there has to be a purpose for it, even if you are only doing it for pleasure. What kind of pleasure are you trying to achieve by dancing and why? Those are some guide questions that you can use to further develop or totally revise your response.

Undergraduate / "The Fainter" - Undergrad supplemental essay about a challenge [3]

Nilen, when you talk about the Nationals. Please specify what nationals you are talking about because the reader may not be familiar with the activities of the toastmaster club. Aside from that, you should expand upon the discussion regarding how you developed from being a "fainter" to someone who was finally confident enough to speak in public. It would be beneficial if you can discuss how your experience this time around differed from the first experience you had. That is, what changed for you this time around? Why were you more confident about the speaking in public now? In hindsight, why do you think you fainted the first time at the MUN? Why were you more confident this time? The comparison will clearly show how you came to develop as a public speaker and clarifies the idea behind how you learned how to manage the situation.

Undergraduate / BUSINESS STRATEGIES AND TRADITIONS. College search - UPenn supplement essay [7]

Alex, you can omit the last paragraph in this essay. Since you have not had an actual chance to visit the campus, it is not necessary for you to present information that comes across as hearsay because you got the information from second hand sources such a student blogs, Youtube videos, and other similar sources. That weakens the impact of the essay. Currently, the essay feels very strong because of the interest progression that you developed. It gets negated when you say that you have not had the chance to visit the campus yet. Your objective should be to make sure that you close the essay on a strong note. That can be done by skipping the last paragraph. You can either develop another closing statement or you can just end the essay with the information in the current paragraph 5. It won't hurt to close the essay at that point. It closes strong because of the reference to you being an unconventional learner who will benefit from the offerings of UPenn in both the traditional and non traditional educational offerings.

Undergraduate / An essay that shows why I am going to be a great participant for the UGRAD scholarship [4]

Ahmed, there is a difference between being an active participant and a GREAT participant in the UGRAD scholarship program. The question is not whether you will be an active participant in the program but rather, if you can manage to be a great participant based on criteria other than academic. You do realize that there are thousands of participants or applicants to this program right? All of them will have similar credentials to yours. So these activities and academic achievements are not as impressive as you make them sound. There are always going to be better qualified applicants for the program who will outshine you. That is the keyword in this instance. Outshine. How can you outshine the other applicants? What sets you apart from them? What achievement do you have that the others might not have reached? The narrations of information that you have presented doesn't really make you stand out. What else can you offer the program that might make you a great participant? Focus on something that you have achieved that would indicate a compelling reason to consider you as more than just a possibly great participant in the program.

Undergraduate / Several facts that convinced me, that Northwestern is the best choice - another why school 'X' essay [3]

Tim, there is a very common feel to this response that you developed. It lacks a sense of specificity when it comes to the methods by which Northwestern will be able to help you learn both in and out of the classroom. The fact that your opening statement is based on the presentation of a TV host and an actress, even if she is a graduate of the school, does not give your essay much strength nor sense of seriousness.If you remove that paragraph and instead, focus the discussion on the classes and internships the university has to offer, then the response will be off to a great start. I would not discuss so much of the field trips because that makes it sound like you are going to school only to take a tour. Keep the academic sound and feel of the essay throughout.