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Posts by okorobiadimma14
Name: Okoye Pascal
Joined: Oct 31, 2016
Last Post: Sep 9, 2017
Threads: 6
Posts: 82  
Likes: 50
From: Nigeria
School: University of Benin

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okorobiadimma14   
Sep 9, 2017
Writing Feedback / The portion of those who own devices by four different categories in Vietnam during 6-year period [6]

Huy, it is hard to tell the band score your essay can fetch because it is impossible to do a wholesome assessment of your write-up since you failed to post both the prompt and the line graph you are trying to describe. You need not separate the paraphrase of the prompt from the overview statement. However, based on its content, this essay cannot get up to 5 band. The first reason is your inability to adhere to rules of English grammar and improper use of tenses in some parts of the essay. Another obvious reason is that your essay lacks conclusion. The transition phrase 'in addition' does not depict a concluding statement, it only buttresses previous statements made in the preceding lines. Also, the first paragraph contain only 2 sentences, in which case it cannot be regarded as a paragraph because a typical paragraph is made up of at least 3 sentences. I cannot tell if you actually did a proper description of the information in the line graph because I need to look at the graph before I make such comment.
okorobiadimma14   
Sep 1, 2017
Undergraduate / Georgia tech supplemental essay - Why GATEch? and "be comfortable being uncomfortable" questions [6]

Minjae, you do not have to worry much about constructing an advanced grammar because you really don't have to do that. All you need to do, as the previous reviewer pointed out, is to make good sentences that could help the reader to understand the points you are trying drive home. Know the right choice of words to use and the appropriate tenses required in each part of your write-up. For instance, the prompt states that you should tell a story about an event that occurred during your high school days. Your story will basically be in simple past beside other tenses that would address 'the resolution' part of the prompt. You did represent past tenses in the second essay, however, improper usage and wrong choice of words somehow affected the coherence of your essay. Yet, you do not need to start learning new words in order to produce a college level writing. Just construct your essay using a combination of simple, compound and, if you can, complex sentences. For example, ''Now, I know most...'' could read as ''Now, I have made some new friends because I know most of my class members''. Do not use the word 'However' to start both preceding and succeeding sentences. You can use another transition word, if necessary, and it also depends on the information in the sentence. So, college level writing does not mean 'advanced grammar'.
okorobiadimma14   
Aug 30, 2017
Undergraduate / Why Tulane? This University is the one for me. Essay Assistance [4]

Kelly, your essay is good but cannot be used at this point. Remember you are trying to give an answer to a prompt that is wholly or part of a personal statement and as such, your opening statement should be catchy and straight to the point in answering the prompt. With this in mind, I think your second paragraph would serve well as the opening paragraph. This is because when compared to the 1st paragraph, the 2nd is close to answering the prompt. Note that the selection committee have a pile of applications to review and would not spend much on yours if it is not engaging from the very first glance. I did not see any significant connection between your interest in Tulane University with your personal experience during high school days. Personal experience may encompass extracurricular activities, parents or peer's influence, personal challenges, personal goals and so on. Your should relate your interest in Tulane University with a specific idea or experience or plan that affects you which being a Tulane University student would help you unravel or improve on. Also, discuss what you can bring to the table if given the opportunity of admission. These and more like them are what reviewers are looking out for and they tend to make your application stand out. You should also try to draft an essay of at least 50 % of the word limit.
okorobiadimma14   
Aug 30, 2017
Writing Feedback / [ILETS TASK 2] Some people believe that tourism does more harm than good. Agree or disagree? [4]

Lewis, I must commend your writing skills and wealth of vocabulary. However, you must be very careful when drafting your essays as an omission or misplacement of a word or phrase can totally change the idea in a paragraph, especially when it occurred in the topic sentence. Before I continue with reviewing your essay, I would like to remind you that posting the topic question of an essay is necessary for proper review of this kind of write-up. Right now, it is difficult to tell if you actually did a proper paraphrase of the prompt although it seems well crafted and straight to the point. That said, I think you really did a nice job here except for few typos. My only worry is that the topic sentence of paragraph 2 is contrary to the idea portrayed in the supporting sentences."It can be denied that there..." means that there are no benefits with regard to the pattern with which the sentence was constructed, in which case it opposes the supporting statements which elaborate the benefits of tourism to both the tourist and the government of the location of the tourism. The excerpt should read as "It cannot be denied that there... " which means that there are benefits and therefore fits with the supporting sentences. More so, you shouldn't have used the transition word "However" to begin the third paragraph because it is used to indicate a little change or opposing notion with respect to the preceding idea. I suggest you use the first sentence of the 3rd paragraph as the last sentence of the 2nd paragraph. That way, it would serve as a transition statement. The 3rd paragraph would then begin with a topic sentence that tends to describe the disadvantages of tourism. Overall, your essay is really great and your points are well-developed. Always ensure that you review your essays after drafting so as to fix typographic errors. This essay can fetch you an overall score of at least 6.5.
okorobiadimma14   
Aug 11, 2017
Writing Feedback / Everyone should become vegetarian [6]

Phong, there are lots of problems with your essay which would drastically reduce your overall score in the real test. First is your inability to do a proper paraphrase of the prompt. Secondly, your thesis statement is not proper. You were asked to agree or disagree so there is no need introducing the phrase, 'In my opinion'. The best approach is to make a thesis statement that agrees or disagrees with the central idea in the question. The thesis statement will form the basis of what you will write in the rest of the paragraphs. Another significant flaw in your essay is the wrong use of the second person pronoun 'We'. The use of 'we' in the entire body of your essay shows that you and at least one other person wrote the essay. If that is the case, then you will score zero already because the question is for you alone to answer and not one or more persons alongside you. This essay is the argumentative type and requires you to structure your thoughts in support or against the school of thought in the topic question. Finally, lack of cohesion will also reduce your score for the essay. Your sentence construction is also not a good one. You need to engage in constant practice and I would recommend that you checked similar essays that have been reviewed in this forum, so that you would have a glimpse of what is required of you. Right now, I cannot score this version of your essay. Engaging in more practices and posting your essays here for review is what I suggest you should care about for now.
okorobiadimma14   
Aug 1, 2017
Writing Feedback / [IELTS TASK 2] (Agree and Disagree) Books and televisions [4]

Xuan, I must say that your essay is well organised and good enough to earn an overall score of at least a 6. You were able to use transition words to enhance the cohesiveness of your write-up. I could also establish that while the 2nd paragraph borders on developing language skills through reading books, the 3rd paragraph elaborates the accruing imaginative skills. This shows that you have good understanding of the prompt. However, my only worry is that your introductory paragraph is contrary to my view. Your paraphrase is good but the first sentence in that paragraph did not go well because, apart from wrong choice of words ((...fast-growing rate...and ... increasing ubiquity...), you were almost introducing an idea that is alien to that of the prompt. The idea in the prompt has nothing to do with entertainment even though conventionally it could be gained from reading books or watching television. The first sentence would have immediately related to the prompt paraphrased in the second sentence if it read as: 'With the growing rate of technology or With the increasing rate of technology or With the ubiquity of advanced technology, people's attention is turning towards television as a way of enhancing imaginative and verbal communication skills more than reading books'.. Then you also were not meant to state an opinion, you were supposed to use an agreeing statement or disagreeing statement to introduce the side where you would pitch your tent in the entire essay. Nevertheless, apart from these few observations, I think you did a good job there.
okorobiadimma14   
Aug 1, 2017
Writing Feedback / Reason why people sometimes prefer ride bicycle when commuting to work instead of using eg. car [4]

Maildor, I really do not think that the prompt you posted and the supposedly charts are related. However, the charts do actually relate to the response in your essay. Therefore, my review will not address the paraphrase aspect in relation to the real prompt as what you just posted is not the real prompt. I will only create a paraphrase to enhance your ability to understand how to tackle this kind of essay. The first statement in your previous post, the supposedly paraphrase, cannot serve as an introductory paragraph because it lacks an overview statement. Below is a typical example of an introductory paragraph containing a paraphrased (hypothetical) prompt and an overview statement:

The graphic representations below illustrate the rationale behind employers' choice of cycling to work as well as driving to work. Overall, there are five reasons employers choose to either cycle to work or drive to work. While a good number of employers go to work by cycling due to health and fitness, as well as less pollution compared to other reasons, many individuals take to driving to work for the comfort it offers.

Notice that having paraphrased the topic question, all I succeeded in doing was highlighting the observable trend in the charts. The were no comments with regard to the exact percentage or proportion the employers that choose either of the means of transportation in discuss. These information would be contained in the next paragraphs. There were two paragraphs before the concluding statement in your essay. It is wrong to use 'in the one hand' in the 2nd second paragraph. If you must use such a transition phrase, the first paragraph should go with 'in the one hand' while the second starts with 'on the other hand'. That way, your essay will have fluidity and it's flow would be appreciated by the reader. Below is an example of how the paragraph following the introductory statement should read:

Observably, in order to promote health and fitness, 30 % of the workers choose cycling to work over driving, whereas another 30 % made similar decision having reduction of pollution in mind. While 12 % of the employers go to work by cycling because it costs nothing, 13 % do the same in hope that cycling is faster that driving. Nevertheless, 15 % of the work force take to cycling due to lack of parking space.

I think you can assess your essay using the examples I have given already. Keep practising with these instances in mind.
okorobiadimma14   
Jul 31, 2017
Writing Feedback / The extinction of languages and how to prevent it - IELTS [4]

Shirely, your essay shows that you did not spare at least 1 minute to understand what was required of you in the prompt. This understanding usually will help you to do a proper paraphrase which, in turn, would form the basis of the entire write-up. It is better, especially in the real test, to spend more or less a minute to understand the gist of the prompt before drafting your thought than hastily delving into the essay without having an understanding of what you were meant to do. At some point in your essay, you sounded as though you were trying to personify 'language'. The fact that you missed the track of the requirement of the essay from the very beginning is a costly error you must strive to deal with if you hope for a good score in the real test. Also, avoid the use of vocabularies that could create ambiguity in your write-up, especially those you are not quite familiar with. By the way, I must say that had you got a perfect understanding of the requirements of the prompt, based upon your level of sentence construction, you would have put up a good essay. I suggest that you engage in more practices while committing to mind all the guides availed to you herewith.
okorobiadimma14   
Jul 31, 2017
Writing Feedback / WRITING TASK 2: Every year several languages die out. [5]

Trang, as pointed out by Mary, the last line of the outline paragraph should act as a transition statement that highlights the points you will discuss in the subsequent paragraphs to backup the extent of your disagreement with facts. This simple step will inform your ability to make an interesting and organised argument. I must commend your grammar skills and the use of transition words. However, as addressed already, your concluding paragraph did not add up at all. If you modify the introductory paragraph and concluding statement, I think your essay will really read better. Your thought is cool already.
okorobiadimma14   
Jul 31, 2017
Writing Feedback / Reason why people sometimes prefer ride bicycle when commuting to work instead of using eg. car [4]

Maildor, it's really difficult to assess your essay without the prompt as well as the diagram or chart involved. It is usually a good practice to post the chart you are trying to describe alongside your write-up. That way, your essay would received the required review and you would be properly guided. Right now, I can't say anything with regard to your ability to answer to the prompt. However, generally, a good response to an essay of this sort should contain the following:

1. Proper paraphrase of the prompt.
2. An overview statement that highlights the trend in the chart provided at a glance.
3. In-depth description of the content of the chart, including contrasting and comparing items where necessary.
4. A brief concluding statement.
okorobiadimma14   
Jul 30, 2017
Writing Feedback / Childhood experience which leave lifelong Impressions [5]

Riti, another important step you should take in enhancing the readability of your essay is to introduce topic sentence in each paragraph. It would also help you to pen down your thought coordinately. Starting a paragraph with a topic sentence and then expanding the paragraph by elaborating the idea in the topic sentence would create coherence and make your write-up more interesting to the reader. It is important to note that whenever you conclude a sentence with a full stop, especially if you are drafting your essay with a computer, you must create a space after the period before the next word. Consider the excerpt below ''...not do last night.I really...'' ''...with dad and finishing my homework.Hence I requested...''. You were supposed to create a space between the 'full stop' and 'I' as well as 'Hence'. Note that a transition sentence is one that more or less connect the idea in a paragraph with that of the immediate next paragraph. Having this understanding will help in improving your writing skills.
okorobiadimma14   
Jul 1, 2017
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1 - What those kids are doing [4]

Rodolfo, it is a general rule in the use of English Language that a paragraph must contain at least 3 sentences. Generally. the 1st sentence of a paragraph is the topic sentence that introduces the idea that the next series of sentences (complimentary sentence) would elaborate on. So, if the so called link have essays with one-sentence paragraph, to which category do you think the sentence would belong - topic or complimentary? It is important for you to note that each paragraph of an essay must discuss a central idea or point and not two or more unrelated ideas, then the last sentence of each paragraph would be a transition sentence that connects the previous paragraph to next one. These are general rules in all types of essays including IELTS writing task 1 or 2. The overview statement in task 1 is very crucial because you are being tested on your ability to reveal information concealed in form of graph, chart, figure or Table. Most times, these statistical components show trends that are observable at a glance without critical evaluation of the content. Those observable trends are what the overview statement highlights which then form the basis of the critical evaluation that would ensue in the next paragraphs. I suggest that you try and obtain information from a more reliable links such as those of British Council or Cambridge, with regard to IELTS preparation, as they would would offer a first hand information than a mere blog that aims at increasing its traffic. You should trust the guidance availed to you in this platform by professional and academics in various fields with years of experience. Be guided and do not be confused. In addition to the review statement made by Rose, you can also notice that your essay lacks conclusion. "Conversely" is not a transition word for a concluding paragraph. 'Ultimately', 'To sum up', 'In conclusion' and so would serve better in that paragraph.
okorobiadimma14   
Jun 30, 2017
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 - Learning difficulties faced by students from two schools (table) [3]

Ng, reviewing your essay will not be that easy because you failed to post the prompt of your essay alongside the draft. How will I assess if you really answered the question or did a proper paraphrase of the prompt when there is no prompt in the current post. Be that as it may, my comments would be based on the content of the essay. I can point out that your paraphrase is improper as it reads the original statement in the prompt. For you to do a proper paraphrase, you must rephrase the topic question of the essay. That shows that you have perfect understanding of the requirements of the essay. Your overview statement is incomplete. The first sentence of the 2nd paragraph (overview) is okay but the rest of the sentences are meant to be part of the next paragraph since they are not overview statements. At least three overview statements can be generated from the table. Meanwhile, an overview statement is one that describes the observable trend(s) in the chart, graph or table provided.

Overview 1: Percentage of students having academic problems was generally higher in school A than in B.
Overview 2: There was an observable decrease in the percentage of students with academic issues in student A over a ten year period.
Overview 3: The proportion of students with academic challenges in school B was fairly stable between 2005 and 2015.

Notice that in the above statements, there was no specific comment on actual figures with respect to the increase or decrease reported. These specific comment would be made in the paragraph(s) following the overview. Your 3rd paragraph is difficult to follow because you were not mentioning the particular component of the table which you were trying to describe. Your essay also lacks conclusion. I can not go further than this due to error of not posting the prompt alongside your current draft.
okorobiadimma14   
Jun 29, 2017
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: Protecting architectural heritage [4]

Tran, it is a good practice in this kind of essay to write in paragraphs only, and not both bullet points and paragraphs. Please do well to remove all the numbering in your current post. Your paraphrase of the prompt is proper except that the last sentence in the first paragraph should read as a thesis statement. That way, you can fully start discussing the points highlighted therein in details in the next paragraphs. It is also important to note that each of the questions asked in the prompt should be discussed in a separate paragraph and each paragraph should begin with a topic sentence. You have a lot of well thought out points but they are not neatly organised in the essay. Perhaps the numbering may have been the cause of the incoherence. I must commend your level of sentence construction, although you still need to work on your ability to use transition words to enhance coherence and cohesion in your write-up.
okorobiadimma14   
Jun 29, 2017
Writing Feedback / PTE Essays task 2 writing - 20 mins typing on direct form of communication [2]

Tav, this essay is near perfect to the best of my assessment. The fact that you engaged the use of topic sentences to introduce the ideas in the paragraphs created the required coherence and cohesiveness in the write-up. Although there are few instances of wrong choice of words, they are not significant to the extent of hampering the fluidity of your current draft. My only advice is that you should ensure that you always paraphrase the prompt before introducing the thesis statement of the write-up. The paraphrase will show that you have a clear understanding of the topic question and also pave way for proper introduction of the thesis statement. Having said that, I think you have done your best in answering the prompt in way that a reviewer would be impressed.
okorobiadimma14   
Jun 29, 2017
Writing Feedback / Economic success and clean environment. [4]

Tam Bui, While I commend your level of vocabulary, I am afraid the number of words have written is way too high fro a typical exam condition which made me to wonder if you actually timed yourself during your practice and if not, you just have to involving timing. Another, important observation I made is that your introductory paragraph did not come out as well as the rest of the essay. This is because you failed to paraphrase the prompt and introduce thesis statement of your essay. The very first sentence in this kind of essay is one that puts the topic question in the writer's own words which show's that the writer understands the requirement of the prompt.The next in that line is to introduce the idea to be discussed as a thesis statement. Thus, the last sentence in the 1st paragraph should come first in the essay. Also, be very careful with the usage of new words as most time they tend to impede fluidity of your write-up. The examiner only want to test your writing skills with regard to basic rules of English grammar, lexis and structure; it is not a medium to showcased mastery of new words that do not collocate with the context of their usage. Practice the art of starting a paragraph with a topic sentence and then developing the idea therein in the next series of sentences. That way, your write-up will attain the required coherence and cohesion. Meanwhile, apart from the aforementioned inconsistencies, you have a good essay here.
okorobiadimma14   
Jun 29, 2017
Undergraduate / 30 year old returning to college, what broad perspective do I bring to the engineering classroom [4]

RSGOERTZ, I really admire your writing skills and I hope your essay hits the jackpot at the end of the day. My only worry is that you have not really specified a particular work. You have to find a way to mention that work and tell the reviewer how it took you to so and so places and the specific experience you gained during the period. That way, you will succeed in making the reviewer see the exact thing you are bring to the table at the engineering classroom. Also, do not be confuse by the outlined probable contents of the essay as listed in the prompt. You are not meant to write on everyone of them. You are just required to choose from them the one(s) you can elaborately describe in details as it affects you. Having said that, I can assure you that your current essay is not way far from the real thing. You just need to do little adjustments here and there.
okorobiadimma14   
Jun 29, 2017
Writing Feedback / Some people say it is OK to use animals for our benefit, others say it is not good to exploit them [6]

SG, your essay would have turn out better than it is now had you learnt how to write a topic sentence for each paragraph. A topic sentence is the first sentence contained in a particular paragraph which introduces the idea that would be developed within the next series of sentences in that same paragraph. It helps you to write with direction and enhances coherence and cohesiveness as pointed out already. For instance, the topic sentence in your second paragraph could read as " On the one hand, animals are integral components of numerous research methodologies in Medical and Life Sciences." This is an example of a topic sentence. To continue in such paragraph, the writer will now tell the reader how animals are part of the methodology, their role and why they are used by humans in such adventure instead of using fellow human. The next paragraph which normally would start with "On the other hand" will begin with another topic sentence that will discuss the over exploitation of animals by human. Talk about how human do that, why they do so, and if possible, the adverse effect of the action. Then express your own opinion in another paragraph and then conclude the essay. If you imbibe this advice in your next practices, I think you should come up with a more outstanding essay. Right now, I think your sentence construction is commendable, but you have to work harder to improve your writing skills with more vocabulary and also learn how to connect ideas and paragraphs with transition words or phrases and transition sentences respectively.
okorobiadimma14   
Jun 29, 2017
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 - Sales in a college bookshop [4]

Katya, generally, this type of essay requires you to describe the entire information in the table during which you make comparisons where necessary. You are not expected to focus or create a paragraph or sub-head for each content as you implied. The format for proper response to the this type of essay is that you must first paraphrase the topic question of the essay (the prompt). This action shows that you have a perfect understanding of the idea in the chart or table at a glance. The next is to give a general overview of the content of the table which is usually obvious when one observes the chart or table as in this case. Thereafter, you have to look at the table critically and tell the examiner what the table entailed and be specific. Make comparisons if need be. By the time you properly interpret every significant observation in the table, you shall have written at least 150 words. I recommend that you check other reviews on IELTS Writing Task 1 as many have been reviewed here in this forum.
okorobiadimma14   
Jun 29, 2017
Scholarship / My future as an Environmental Engineer and Manager [2]

Samara, do you in any way have a professional experience you can highlight in this essay. You just have to use it to lay the foundation of your introductory paragraph and be specific about it ( one significant experience is enough). Let the reviewer know how you saw a problem or a gap in your professional career, how obtaining the program will avail you the requisite skills to solve the problem or fill the gap. You have a very limited word count so you have to hit the nail on the head in responding to the prompt. I could not see any professional or academic experience in your current post which make this version of your essay unusable for this purpose. I am afraid you have to redraft the entire write up to reflect a proper response to the prompt. Remember, you are competing with several good candidates for just very few awards so you have to make your essay stand out in order to have a chance. If you were a reviewer, would you think the content of your current essay is convincing enough, with regard to furthering a professional or an academic career, to award someone a scholarship. If your answer is No, then get back to work and produce a more convincing version of response to the prompt.
okorobiadimma14   
Jun 29, 2017
Writing Feedback / Is Violence the Result of TV, computers, and video games? [7]

Ha, unfortunately I am not able to point out all your errors in English grammar. This is because on the one hand, it is impossible to know them all while on the other hand, even if I decide to use your current post as term of reference, it still would not suffice in achieving your desired outcome. However, I will correct an excerpt from your post just to create a stepping stone for you.

"The more developing the world is, the more..."
"The more developed the world becomes, the more crimes increase. Majority of ['a lot of' or 'many' or ' a number of' would have been the best adjectival phrase here] people view..."

"As far as I'm concerned, I uphold mentioned..."
"As far as I am concerned, I uphold the aforementioned opinion ( school of thought)."
Each time running into an aggressive scenery ..."
"Most times, watching aggressive scenes on TV or engaging in battle games boosts people's ability to embrace violence as well as commit various incriminating offenses such as murder."

Notice how I tried to reconstruct the expressions from your post so as to embellish them and they made more sense than the initial versions. I am not trying to tip you to do exactly what I did, but you can work harder to improve your writing skills by learning the use of English Language.
okorobiadimma14   
Jun 28, 2017
Writing Feedback / Writing task 1: The percentage of 10-15 year-olds chatting online and playing games. [6]

Red Moon, you must take note that IELTS writing task 1, among other things, tests your ability to specifically interpret a given information encrypted in form of charts, graphs, or diagrams. Your ability to critically look at the chart provided before making any attempt is the best approach to giving a precise interpretation of the information in the graph. As pointed out, there were lots of hasty misinterpretations in your current post. For example, "nearly a massive 90% of 10-15 year-old male students spend time playing..." you are perfectly wrong in the expression highlighted above. Considering the scale of the graph, you can observe that 1 cm to 10 units were used. This means that since the peak of the bar representing boys is at the middle, the actual value is 5 % and adding the already established 80 %, you have exactly 85 % of boys playing video game, and not 'nearly a massive 90 %...' You can also give more information by breaking these percentage according to the number of hours spent as indicated in the keys. So, always try as much as possible to do the needful first ( which is to understand the chart provided, notice the scale used where necessary and so on) before going on with answering the question.
okorobiadimma14   
Jun 28, 2017
Writing Feedback / Is Violence the Result of TV, computers, and video games? [7]

Ha, I am afraid that aside the fact that you did not do a proper paraphrase of the prompt, your sentence construction and grammar is very poor. From my review of your post, I can point out that the errors in your current post are not just because of typos, but due to the fact that you seemingly lack good foundation of English grammar. I would recommend that you engage in more studies with respect to understanding the use of English Language. This you can achieve by availing yourself necessary materials and articles that would suffice for this purpose. In addition,for a starter, you must learn that in order to hit the examiner's expectation in your response to this kind of essay, you must first paraphrase the topic question of the essay, then create a thesis statement of what you intend to discuss (in this case it should either agree or dis agree with the statement in the prompt). This will form the introductory part of your essay. In the next 2 - 3 paragraphs, you are expected to discuss in details the main ideas in your thesis statement after which you conclude the write-up.
okorobiadimma14   
May 31, 2017
Writing Feedback / The number of people smoking, divided into two different gender groups [2]

Ngo, the major flaws of this essay are your inability to write a good introduction and lack of detailed interpretation of the information in the graph. In the first instance, your paraphrase of the prompt is improper and you did not show a complete overview of the trend in the graph at a glance. You just did a superficial interpretation and left out some in-depth observations that would have avail more points of discussion to you. For instance, you were not able to notice that the number of women that smoked in Someland peaked in 1965 and 1975 at the rate of 190 and 320 people respectively. Also, you failed to make any comparison between the two slopes in the graph. From the chart, it can be deduced that the number of women that smoked increased steadily from 1960 to 1965 and 1970 to 1975 unlike their men counterpart that decreased continuously throughout the forty year period. Had you engaged detailed interpretation of the information as I just did, you would have developed a good essay with more number of words and complete paragraphs. Unfortunately, this version of essay will not earn you a desirable score due to lack of convincing interpretation of the chart provided. I must commend your level of vocabulary development and grammar construction. The fact that your draft is free of typos shows that you will surely improve significantly in your next practice if you give time to observing the trend in the chart rather than hasty but superficial interpretation.
okorobiadimma14   
May 30, 2017
Writing Feedback / Essay IETLS task 2: Sponsor for national sport teams. Who should financially support the teams? [3]

Sri, although you tried your best in the introductory paragraph, it is not good enough to earn you substantial marks for the overall score. This is because your current draft lack proper paraphrase of the prompt and thesis statement is completely out. The last sentence of the 1st paragraph should have been the perfect point where the thesis statement comes in, but what you have there did not tell the reviewer anything concerning what the body of your essay is all about. From the body of the essay I could understand, based on your argument, that financial support from government would raise the team spirit athletes while that of non-government would be more encompassing and far reaching. Fortunately, my last statement, ''...financial support from government would...'' can serve as a thesis statement for your essay if properly constructed. While I commend the way you organised your paragraphs, without regard to the content anyway, I feel that you still need more work to do in terms of mastery of English grammar. It is usually a good practice to start the second paragraph with a transition word or phrase such as 'Firstly', 'On the one hand', and so on. There are lots of typos, incomplete statements and expressions with little or no sense in paragraphs 2 and 3 which made your essay very difficult to peruse. You really need to keep working on your vocabulary and take out time to study some good and reviewed IELTS Task 2 essays in this forum. That way, you will surely improve faster. For a starter, I would like to show you an example of a good introduction for your essay prompt:

A number of individuals believe that countryside sports teams and athletes who stand for their nations in gaming competitions should earn government's fiscal encouragement. On the contrary, many people opine that non-governmental sources should take up the funding roles. While one school of thought argue that non-government source would provide sufficient and extensive monetary assistance than government whose financial attention is needed by other sectors of the economy, the other owe their view to the fact that financial backup from government would boost the team spirit of the country's representatives.
okorobiadimma14   
May 28, 2017
Writing Feedback / As global trade increases between different countries [2]

Peter, in the first instance, you must know that this type of write-up is an essay and not a presention, so it should not be on bullet points. That said, I will now comment on the post altogether. You did well in your sentence construction except for few typos. However, you were not able to do a proper paraphrasing of the prompt. Usually, the introductory paragraph should contain a thesis statement of what the reviwer will expect in the body of the essay. Of course, a good paraphrase of the prompt is the sure way to usher in your thesis statement. Also, you should note that the essay is opinionated, therefore you can agree or disagree and then justify why did so. You are not expected to agree and disagree at the same time. In the first paragraph, your points supported the fact that you believed that benefits outweight disadvantages, but the second paragraph says otherwise ''... increased owing to the toxic fumes from vehicle's engine. For these reasons, international business can be imperfect''. Recommendtions are not required in this essay because you just gave your opinion and others would do theirs, hence, your conclusion is not acceptable. Always try to understand the question in the prompt so as to answer correctly. I like the way you utilized transition words and phrases which means you can do better in your next practices. I can give this essay a 5.
okorobiadimma14   
May 27, 2017
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 1 : The three companies' waste [9]

Putri, I must commend your effort in interpreting the information on the chart provided. You also did a nice job in paraphasing the prompt. However, there is a sgnificant note you must take so as perfect your ability to do justice to IELTS Task 1 during the real test. For this kind of chart, it is needful that you take cognisance of the scale used in plotting the graph. This action will enhance your specificity when commenting on the content of the graph. That way, you will avoid such expressions as '...slightly under 9 tonnes in the...' ''...a brief rise of nearly 2 tonnes from...'' '...a bit lower than 9 tonnes and slightly over 3 tonnes...' which, to some extent, create ambuiguity. For instance, the scale of the graph in your post is more like 3cm = 3units. So you could say that the waste generated in company A, for example, decreased from 12 tonnes to 8 tonnes over 15 year period from 2000 to 2015. You can see that my version of the expression is more straightforward and comprehendable than '...slightly under 9 tonnes in the...'. You can revisit the graph and try to infer the exact amount of the wastes generated across the three companies and how they changed overtime. Overall, you really have an eagle eye in noticing even less significant changes. Your score should be at least 5.5 for this version of your post.
okorobiadimma14   
May 26, 2017
Essays / Reliability & availability analysis by Markov process [4]

Well, Reza I can only offer a handful of advice as I am not well grounded in Mathematical modeling. I think the choice of system or algorithm to analyze depends on the model's usefulness for the intended purpose to the observer. Usually, Markov chain is used to analyze stochastic phenomena i.e one that involve more of guessing or prediction in relation to time with respect to transitions from one state to another. Having said that, in my suggestion, I would like you to consider 'Weather condition' with regard to safety; where Sunny, Rainy, Thunderstorm, Haze, Fog, Snowy days would be the variables. Here, for example, the observer wants to know from today's weather if he could travel on a Sunny day by the next 60 days ahead. You can use the first two letters to code your variables and then run their probabilities using Markov chain.
okorobiadimma14   
May 26, 2017
Writing Feedback / Summary: How can parents help students survive the exam season? [4]

Bao, I must give you a thumb-up for the excellent skills you showed in summarizing the article. Stating each point and making a brief statement on the point is a plausible way of giving the reader a feel of the ideas developed thereof. With regard to your question, 'action' fits well in that expression compared to 'work'. However, I have a little problem accepting the entire sentence and the one before it. ''...set a cleary timelimitation to do a task''. These two words should be change to 'clear' and 'limit' respectively for the expression to have a complete meaning. Also, ''...but also helps parents to avoid feeling that they are nagging'' the highlighted expression would serve better if it reads as ''helps parents not to feel''.Finally, the statement ''...exam season is such a hard time for examinees to go through that parents'' can be improved if the red-coded expression reads ''...so hard a time for examinees...''. Overall, the job you have done already is worth some applauds.
okorobiadimma14   
May 26, 2017
Essays / Reliability & availability analysis by Markov process [4]

Reza, can you restructure your question as I do not really understand the statement in your post. Specifically I would like you to rephrase the statement about your master so that one can easily read meaning to your question. Do you mean that your master examined your analysis using Markov chain? Or that he preferred the use of Markov chain in your analysis with respect to reliability and availability? Please, kindly put your request in simple terms so that one can comprehend it in a jiffy and be able to offer some help.
okorobiadimma14   
May 26, 2017
Letters / Your friend asked you to be a partner in his new business [2]

Christy, I am not sure what kind of advice you anticipate from your post as you did not post the attendant question of the letter. It would be difficult to assess if you answered the requirement(s) of the question when I do not know what it asked. Having said that, on a general note, you did your best in drafting an informal letter which is typical of your post. However, I would like to remind you, in case you ignored it because you did not know, that formal letters must contain writer's address. There are some typos in the body of the letter which occurred probably because you did not proofread your write-up after drafting. ''...around this area which accompany with lots of offices''.''...didn't have too much time for lunch it's a good choose for them''. ''...to get involved the project like this''.

The first two expressions highlighted above were not properly structured while the last one needs the preposition 'in' to make a complete meaning. Finally, you should sign your letter out with phrases like 'Kind Regards' 'Best Wishes' and so on. Apart from the observations cited hitherto, I must say that you created a letter that have a good feel of informality
okorobiadimma14   
May 26, 2017
Writing Feedback / Should doctors either be engaged in more profitable activities or health-oriented [3]

PEI, I must say that you have shown a certain level of mastery in this essay. Your points are well structured with proper transition words and phrases. Your conclusion is good except that you need to restructure the second sentence in a way that you can create a third sentence from it so that you would have a perfect paragraph. The only significant demerit of your current draft is in the paraphrase of the prompt. Your opening statement does not depict a proper thesis statement that introduces the points you skillfully developed in the body of your essay. This resulted from the fact that you did not do a good paraphrase of the prompt. Apart from these observations and other errors due to typos, you have really done well in arguing points. This essay should earn you a score not less than 5.5.
okorobiadimma14   
May 26, 2017
Essays / I need help with this essay ...Some students have a background, identity or interest [4]

Onyemaechi, there is no generalized way to start or end your essay. However, conventionally, your starting statement, which forms part of your introductory paragraph, should be such that would catch the attention of the reviewer. On the other hand, the end part of your essay should read as a conclusion which summarizes the whole story in a rather compelling way. So, when your opening or concluding statement does not reflect what I explained earlier; well, one could say that it may not serve its purpose. At this point, I think you should put pen on paper to create a draft of your story in accordance to Mary's advice and then post it here so that we can continue assisting you. Stop thinking about how good to start or end your story. Just start and we will continue from there as soon as you post your draft here. Be sure that we will do our best to help you, but everything begins with you.
okorobiadimma14   
Apr 28, 2017
Writing Feedback / Less responsibility is a positive change or negative change? [2]

Andi, your are too mechanical with this essay and that would reduce your overall score. Your paraphrase is not good and your introduction did not tell the examiner anything about what the body of the essay would contain. The fact that your paragraph 3 reflects solution to the negative impact shows that you did not quite understand the prompt. The prompt requires you to support either of positive or negative views of the idea of discuss, but not to proffer solution. You should have discussed your points and then conclude your write-up. See other threads in this forum where I illustrated a model paraphrase for this particular essay prompt so that you can learn further. Your sentence construction is admirable but you need to improve on enhancing the cohesion in your write-up. This essay will earn you a score not more than a 5 due to lack of cohesion and misunderstanding of the prompt.
okorobiadimma14   
Apr 28, 2017
Writing Feedback / WT 2 - Should children have more or less responsibility? [3]

Besse, this draft is a good one based on the fact that you have shown a perfect understanding of the requirements of the prompt. Your current draft also have a great deal of cohesion as the examiner can grasp your thoughts without much stress. My only worry is in your inability to do a good paraphrase of the prompt. It is usually a good practice to employ synonyms where necessary so that you would not repeat the statements in the prompt you are trying to paraphrase. Consider my suggestion on what a good paraphrase should look like:

'In certain places around the globe, kids are known to have less obligations unlike their counterparts in ancient times. While a school of thought view this as a laudable improvement, others think otherwise. However, in my opinion, I think it is an adjustment that should be embraced by the entire world because taking responsibility at an early stage in life would affect children's social and moral qualities at adult stages.'

This is a humble suggestion. Notice that if were a student, my paragraph 2 and 3( as the case may be) would discuss in details taking responsibility at early stage would deteriorate the social and moral values of a child. After that, I would conclude my essay. Altogether, your current draft is good improvement on your previous practices and would earn you a score of at least 5. Ensure to proofread your essays after drafting to avoid typos and misplacement of punctuation.
okorobiadimma14   
Apr 28, 2017
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2 BIODIVERSITY MAINTAINING - animals and plants are being extincted gradually [2]

Ahmed, your opening statement is totally contrary to the content of the prompt of your essay. The statement 'Increasing the numbers of species under...' means that Biodiversity is studied so that more organisms would be under threat, but that's not what the prompt depicts. The idea in the prompt is that biodiversity became a necessity because more species are placed under threat increasingly. Also, the opening paragraph failed to introduce your essay properly. The prompt did not require you to dwell on the cause of threat to species diversity, it only requires the solution. Therefore, the best approach to answering the prompt is to introduce the various options you wish to suggest as probable ways to ensure and maintain species diversity (biodiversity). After that, you can go ahead and discuss these points in the second and third paragraphs of your essay and then conclude your write-up. I am afraid you did not answer to the prompt because, in the first instance, you lacked the understanding of the ideas in the prompt. I must commend you sentence construction although there were inconsistencies and typos that made your current draft to lack cohesion. I suggest you engage in more practices. Always try to understand the prompt before you start answering otherwise you may end up writing an off-the-point essay.
okorobiadimma14   
Apr 27, 2017
Writing Feedback / Information about global water use and water consumption [2]

Andi, it is usually a good practice to post the prompt of your essay alongside your draft so that we can tell whether your paraphrase in the introductory statement is proper. Right now, it is difficulty to rate the accuracy of the paraphrase you have shown in this draft. That said, I will give a general comment based on your response to the information provided. You did your best in the first paragraph which introduces and gives a general overview of the content of the graph and table provided. However, the overview information in the last sentence of the same paragraph is incomplete because it failed to capture agricultural sector which also had high water consumption in 2000 just like Brazil as shown in the table. Your grammar construction in paragraph 2 is admirable except that there are few errors due to wrong choice of words and typos. The only issue is that you were not careful enough to describe the information in the graph properly. Water use in the three sectors did not rise over a century as you stated. It only rose in agricultural sector but remained fairly stable in industrial and domestic sectors within the first half of the century from 1900-1940. By the next half of the hundred year period, industrial and domestic usage of water began to increase progressively.'industrial and domestic figures used less water...'. Do not use figures as shown in the expression highlighted. Domestic, industry and agriculture are sectors as indicated in the information provided, so see them as such. Overall, your essay met the minimum of 150 word criteria of writing task 1. It also tried in representing the information in the graph and the table, but it can not fetch a score more than 5 because it not only lacks conclusion, but also could not properly interpret the information provided.
okorobiadimma14   
Apr 24, 2017
Writing Feedback / Ielts task 1: A line graph describing waste production of three companies [4]

Wong, considering that writing task 1 always involves description, comparing and contrasting the information presented in a line graph or a chart, I want to give you some tips that would help you to meet the minimum 150 word criteria in a jiffy, while maintaining accurate analysis of the content of chart or graph. Firstly, having paraphrased the prompt in your opening statement, observe the graph quickly and take note of trends that are immediately obvious on the chart. Those trends will form the basis of your overview statement. For instance, considering the graph in your post, here is an overview:

'Overall, there was a general decline in the level of unwanted materials generated in company A while the company C counterpart recorded a rise. Also, the increase in the amount of wastes produced in company B was interrupted by a sharp progressive decrease. Thus, the two intercepts formed as the slopes of companies A and B cut across that of company C show some level of similarities in the quantity of wastes produced by these manufacturing firms.'

I just gave an overview of the obvious trends in your graph and I have 76 words already. Yours may not really be like mine as you practise, but keeping in mind the way I tried to capture the information in three sentences would help you to come up with a better overview in your next practice tests. This overview should be a paragraph as you rightly created in your current draft. In the next paragraph, you are meant to look critically at each of the slopes for the various companies and describe the decline, the rise, the rise and fall, and the similarities you mentioned in your overview. This time, you should relate your statement, where necessary, to the actual value of the wastes and the corresponding periods of production. See the next example to that effect:

'On the one hand, company A experienced a sustained decrease in the amount of wastes from 12 to 8 tonnes between 2000 and 2015. There was a sharp increase from 8 to 11 tonnes of wastes generated in company B within a five year period from 2000 to 2005, although the latter experienced a progressive decrease from 11 to 3 tonnes in the next decade that followed. On the other hand, the production of unwanted materials rose from 4 to 6 tonnes in company C from 2000 to 2005, remained fairly increased from 6 to 7 tonnes from 2005 to 2010, and then experienced another sharp increase from 7 to 10 tonnes in next five years after 2010.'

Notice that I have not talked about the similarities at the intercepts. So, by the time you discuss that, you shall have written more than 150 words. Remember, the instances above are meant to let you have a feel of how to approach the writing task 1 during your practice tests. You should time yourself during practice so as to check your writing speed and vocabulary development. I do not know how imminent your real test is, but I do hope that these tips would help you to improve faster. Take note that as soon as your are done with the paragraph depicting the second instance as shown above, having written 3-4 sentences, you must conclude your essay and then do a review. I hope these suggestions will improve your response to this aspect of IELTS writing test.
okorobiadimma14   
Apr 22, 2017
Essays / My journey as a chubby ballet dancer - the Georgia Tech essay question [3]

Laura, unfortunately it is not in my power to advise you on whether to draft an academic or a non-academic essay. Of course all essays serve better when they tell a story. Just develop your essay in response to the prompt given by Georgia Tech and then post your draft, as well as the prompt, here. As soon as you do that, I guarantee you that we would be able to assist you in creating a draft that would serve best for whatever purpose it is meant for. Right now, you just have to put pen on paper; write passionately in response to the essay prompt and then let us see what you have.

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