Research Papers / HUMAN RESOURCE MANAGEMENT: ethics, hiring process; Research paper [57]

I'm confused about the question because I've never heard of a company receiving a scholarship. If the scholarship involves how you have contributed to the human resources development in your company, I can help. When I think about this question, it makes me think about something that is lacking that needs to be improved upon. Have you come up with a better way for training and development in the organization where you work? What about employment needs? What type of technology do you use and how did this help to benefit you in your field? Think about what will help make human resources better.

Essays / The most UNFORGETABLE experience occured when you're at primary school~ [5]

Here is my suggestion:
1) Sometimes we don't have a story to tell or have vague memories about our experiences in primary school. However, you still have a story to tell.

2) Finishing your third year because you were a good student is a good experience. How did you achieve this? Did moving from a village school to a school in town help? For example, you may move to a school and the subjects seem easier. It could be because of the teacher or maybe the school system you were in was more advanced.

3) Also, an unforgettable experience could involve the friendships you made. How did friendships help you grow as a person? This is also a part of your growth and development in primary school. You begin to have social interactions that help you throughout life.

4) Did you have different experiences in the village school in comparison with the school in town. Maybe you went on more field trips in the village school or town.

Take some time and brainstorm. Choose one experience and try to capture as may details as possible. I don't know how long the essay should be, but if you attempt to tell your story in an honest, heartfelt way it will come through in your writing.

Research Papers / Traffic congestion and pollution, in the last few decades, have grown significantly; how to fix it? [2]

1st paragraph: Take out the comma after decades. When you use the word these you are discussing more than one. This means the next word should be plural. You should change it to these problems. Change this throughout this essay when you notice this. Also, change whilst to "while" and add "that" after contend. Also, I would change inclining to "increasing" so there leaves no doubt that you are discussing the rising costs of fuel. I think your argument needs some work. In the first sentence you mention traffic congestion and pollution. Do you think that public transportation can help alleviate traffic problems? Can environmentally friendly transportation such as buses and trains reduce pollution? I am asking you these questions to help you to begin to discuss your research.

2nd paragraph: In the first sentence you mention price and you even discuss one as if you are going to discuss one solution. Here is how you should change it: "One viable solution". Now the reader can see that there is only one solution and it makes sense. However, you don't address that this is linked to improving pollution. Also, you have to give credit to your research if you are quoting from this source. Was this is in the Straits Times, a website, etc? Place it in your paper. Ex: (Straits Times, 17 August 2015, p. 5). Also, you can delete that after underlines.

3rd paragraph: If you use one kind, "improvements" has to be changed to improvement. If you are quoting form a source regarding Tokyo, cite what source. See the source to again to make changes to this sentence. Change dilemma to dilemmas.

4th paragraph: Change to "a suitable transportation system" and add "the" before government. If you are discussing a decrease in cars, you would say, the number of cars on. The reader is left to wonder what deal means. This next example needs to be explained better. It seems like there is a limit to how many passengers can travel in one car. Is this a 3-in-1 traffic law in Jakarta? Change your tense from have reduced to has reduced, also change to "during rush hours. There should not be a hyphen in-between rush and hours. This last sentence, change to of a transportation system. (You want to change transport system to transportation system when you use it in this paper.)

5th paragraph: I think this last paragraph needs to be stronger. You state fuel prices should increase in your argument and enhancing public transportation. What global problems? If you use the instead of these global problems, then it seems like you just discussed one problem throughout your entire essay.

Scholarship / What has challenged me and convince to put my next milestone in the Master of Dietetics? [4]

1st paragraph: If you use the word block, it sounds like a physical demand. Instead of blocked you can use the word insisted. Did your mother insist that you avoid leaving the house without having breakfast? You could end the next sentence with custom. Start a new sentence with the word, "She". You can use, we were less enthusiastic and moody. Change habit to habits. When you read this sentence again after the change you will see that it adds more meaning to the sentence. You can relate how you discussed this with your mother. Now the reader can know that it is the scientific explanations of breakfast habits you are referencing. When you say you feel proud it has to be in the past because you are still discussing the past. Change feel to felt. Start a new paragraph with the next sentence that starts with: "Since then..." I think you should delete the next two sentences. You can continue to discuss how some people may doubt the role of food for health. However, the end of this sentence is too confusing. What do you mean when you discuss a "significant aspect for each effort"? Do people have to taken an interest and but effort in understanding food and nutrition? I don't think it is necessary to use deterioration since you use improvement. It should be "improvement of a patient's health condition". This next sentence is too long. It needs to be changed. I don't think you need to mention nutrition prescription. I need to understand as a reader why you say your foundation is in dietetics. Did the major in community and public health nutrition not address the subject of dietetics?

2nd paragraph: You would benefit from making simpler sentences. The first sentence you can discuss how Australia has a better program. The next sentence, begin to discuss how your adviser thought you should continue your studies. You should use, "the" before Masters. I think you shouldn't use picture my desire. I'm not sure if you are trying to say it increased your desire. Start a new sentence using moreover and place a comma after this word. When you discuss high intensity, do you mean high enrollment rates? Change the last sentence and make it stronger. I hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / Should the high school curriculum introduce unpaid social work as a mandatory subject? [3]

I think you should change social work throughout this essay to community service. If you make your discussion about social work, you may confuse the reader because this is actually a subject that you study. The question asks about community service. The first paragraph, you should state it is a mandatory high school program. Also, change built to build.

These volunteer experiences may be unpaid so if you use, "can give teenagers experience", you show that it will help them gain work experience. You shouldn't use the term assets. Really, the teenager is adding this experience to his or her resume. What do you mean when you say wellness of their society?

Instead of polish you could use the word improve. Also, explain why you are using sports, arts, and painting as an example? Would volunteering in arts programs and sports help them if they want to study the arts or be in professional sports?

It is more common for people to say that if adolescents are kept busy so they will stay out of trouble. This is only a suggestion to help make your paper better.

Writing Feedback / Being a celebrity - such as a famous film star or sports personality - brings problems... [2]

1st paragraph: Delete the before famous. Change fascinated to fascinating lifestyles (you discuss more than one personality so lifestyle has to be plural). I wouldn't say someone has earned an extravagant way of living. You can possibly mention that some wealthy celebrities have an extravagant way of living. I think you mean that the problems they face are a result of the fame. Please delete "before reaching a conclusion".

2nd paragraph: You can end this first sentence by stating, "is appealing or gratifying". If you use gratifying, it will show that being famous is satisfying, because luxury items are more affordable. Huge money can also be stated as large sums of money or a fortune. I think you need to describe why someone who is a star would like the limelight and media attention because the sentence is incomplete. Would this give them more opportunities to make more money? Does it boost self confidence? I think you shouldn't use he or she because there are many men and women celebrities. The last sentence change enjoys to enjoy.

3rd paragraph: The first sentence can be a response to how we view media. For example, maybe we think someone lives a certain lifestyle because we read about it or see it on television, but many years later we hear a different story about his or her life. These celebrities may not live a life that is portrayed or told through media outlets. Is this your argument? If you want to quote the saying it is actually, "don't judge a book by its cover". If you use this saying you have to know how to use it in a way that is easy for the reader. It sounds confusing with the way it is placed in this paragraph. Yet, discussing internal troubles is a good point to make.This sentence about the media capturing every single action needs to be changed. Do you feel that the media captures too much of their personal life and it makes celebrities uncomfortable? If you begin to talk about performances then you maybe discussing a specific type of celebrity. If you change it to "be the best" and relate this to "fans" and not audiences, then this could apply to many celebrities. You can change the next sentence to "result in the end" or "possibly end their career". I think you need to explain this last sentence. I believe you are trying to state that famous people can live a depressing life because of the pressures of fame.

4th paragraph: I really like this first sentence. However, the next sentence sounds like you are the celebrity. You need at least two or more sentences to conclude this paragraph.

Writing Feedback / Could technology help developing educational system? Kindly help me to answer this! [2]

I wouldn't use shapely. What happens when learners go in the wrong direction? Do they become distracted by technology? Delete the before aspects of life. Instead of educational system you could say educational curriculum. Sometimes technology is used to teach math or science and for other subjects. It's apart of their learning experience. I'm unsure why a writer is mentioned because I'm unsure what source this question comes from. However, I think you don't have to mention the writer. You could simplify much of this information. For example: Personally, I think technology helps students to quickly access information for research reports. If you simplify your sentence in this way, you can avoid errors and it is a way to state how you feel about this question. I'm giving you this example to help you to think about how you can change this sentence. The ending of the sentence, "compared to the past" can be deleted. You can delete lay down my reasons.

You repeat the sentence again when you mention required information. Would you like to say that technology allows students to have hands-on experience? This is a great example about technology! I just need you to stay in the past. Change takes to took. Also, site visit can be confusing. Did you mean they travel to visit the site of a historical structure? Also, did you mean that people can have experiences that have not been recorded in a textbook?

In this next paragraph, use the before internet. In the second sentence, change the word kind to kinds. I think you mean at the click of a mouse. You don't have to use this, because you could end the sentence with the word "information". Choose how you would like to end this sentence. You can make this last sentence simpler. I would say "access a huge archive of information in less time" instead of get into. Using the word opposed is good but you can state those who only use a book. The other information in this sentence is too confusing. The sentence is really good without it.

Another way to say all in all is, "Overall". Change large information to many. I'm not sure what this last sentence means. Are you referring to reliable sources? For example, there are many websites but when doing research certain sites maybe used because experts comment about a topic they know well. Please make sure this is revised. Good work!

Undergraduate / Acceptance to my dream career. I am extremely excited and ready for this new chapter in my family. [3]

1st paragraph: When you start the first sentence you have to say, "I am a..." Then you can begin describing how you are the first in your family to have certain achievements. If you don't add this to the beginning of this sentence it is an incomplete sentence. I'm confused about how the roadblocks reflected in your grades. Did you use this as a motivating force to improve your grades or get good grades? I think a simpler way of speaking about your dreams would be to say that they "have motivated me to pursue my dream". You didn't see them as setbacks because you were determined.

2nd paragraph: Throughout school, my most traumatic experience has been when my three year old cousin passed away from brain cancer. (I want you to change your sentence. You can see it is easier to read). Change awoke to awakened. I wouldn't use the word dent. You could delete this portion and just discuss that although you experienced hardships, you have the faith to pursue your goal of being a nurse. If you do this, you will have a good transition and the reader will know exactly what you are passionate about.

3rd paragraph: I would delete the 3rd sentence where you discuss that you have been working since the age of 14. Then I would start this sentence by using, "Although," and state how you worked in customer service in a retail environment. Change need to needs of people. Change to world is collapsing around her.When you switch to discussing parents this can be confusing. I would continue to say mother since you use it as an example. It would read the "mother might release her frustration". Read this paragraph again after changes are made.

4th paragraph: Place a comma after customer service. Place a comma after season. Add the word from after ranging when you discuss the 7 to 16 year olds. When you discuss mentoring children, I want you to add the sentence at the end of this paragraph after children. This will no longer be your last sentence. This is how it would look: I mentored at a middle school, helping teenagers...., and that experience was gratifying.

5th paragraph: Great ending! Just start the last sentence with: I will put...

I am sorry for your loss. I wanted to help in some way and I hope these changes help you.

Undergraduate / I AM A LEADER - it's my best trait [3]

I think you should add more or state specific examples. When I read this, I think that you have positive qualities but I don't know you. If you state specific examples, then I get to picture what you will be like as a student. If you state specific examples then they will get to know you as a student. Let me give an example.

I am excited to apply to FAMU because it is ranked as one of the top colleges. I have done well academically and I strive for excellence in everything I do. I have tutored at an after school program and mentored children who needed a positive role model. This helped me to develop strong leadership skills that I hope I can continue to use as a FAMU student.

This is not a true example. Yet, I have personally tutored students. I linked this to leadership and stated that I want to use this as a FAMU student to help you to see how you should explain your qualities. Explain how you influence your peers in a positive way. The key is to focus on how your qualities or unique characteristics will help you contribute to the university community (students, faculty, staff, alumni, etc). For example, as a leader you can help tutor other students in your program,lend a helping hand during an event at the university, or work on campus. Begin to brainstorm! I think you are on the right track. If you need assistance also visit FAMU's website to see what the university has to offer or use any packets you have with information about the university. This will help you get ideas on what to write.

Writing Feedback / The table reveals information regarding the underground railways system in six big cities [2]

In the second sentence of the first paragraph, you can add a comma after table and delete the word "that". Throughout the paper when you write about more than one city use "Underground railway systems." If you use only talk about one city you can use underground railway system. Check this throughout the paper.

Ex: Six big cities (you would use underground railway systems); London (underground railway system); Kyoto and Paris (underground railway systems).

In the second paragraph, you use railways. You can change it to railway. When you compare the date Paris opened, place a comma after "which" and delete, "it was" from this sentence. Remember the example above when you mention London you have to say system. (Great job with these comparisons!)

In the third paragraph, you misspelled a word. Change the first word to, 'Surprisingly". Also, delete the word "it" in this sentence. I would say millions of passengers in this paragraph.

There were few errors. Good Job!

Undergraduate / UC Davis' resources and research opportunities will give me a solid foundation in programming. [2]

Upon looking at UC Davis site, you can see what the campus has to offer. There is a video where former freshman students discuss what they wish they had known as a freshman. It's on their homepage. There is an engineering major who talks about her experience and someone who talks about CRD or career development courses. This can give you an idea of what you may experience. Also, read some course descriptions and spend some time on their site.

You can also talk about your enthusiasm for wanting to go to UC Davis, what makes you stand out as a student, and how the UC Davis experience will help you in your future endeavors in programming. Personally, I don't think there is a problem with you using UC Davis. Also, you only have one paragraph that talks about your father. The rest of the essay commit to discussing how UC Davis will give you a solid foundation in programming. Just find a balance! Some ideas to also help to assist you are:

1) Do you plan on volunteering if you are accepted?
2) Do you want to intern in your field?
3) How will the faculty help you in your research? What areas interest you to research?

These questions are important in helping you stand out. If you are interested in volunteering or interning, this means that you want to give back and that you are trying to use all of the available resources to help you when you graduate from UC Davis. Alumni and career centers are great resources too. Basically, I think you need to be heartfelt and try to prepare a writing sample that shows why you want to go to UC Davis. If you were a volunteer coordinator at UC Davis, this represents your passion for helping the school. This may seem small, but it is an eye opener when it comes to taking a second look at an application.

I hope this helps. When I write, I freely write down ideas and try to tell my own story so that I don't feel so much pressure. Practice this and think about some of my suggestions.

Speeches / MY SPEECH ON MY ADDRESS OF GRATITUDE FOR OUR GRAD CEREMONY [4]

When I wrote my high school graduation speech, I ended it with a poem for my class. I didn't bring attention to myself. You do the same in your speech. The ending seems right. When you receive help on this type of speech, it is difficult to give too much advice because you are saying what is on your heart. Also, there maybe a time limit. Don't worry!

Scholarship / PG Scholarship essay highlighting my achievements and potential - Pl. review [4]

How you expect to benefit from your chosen course of study?
How you have the potential to make an exceptional contribution to the University, and to society after you graduate?

I think you miss addressing these two questions. When it says benefit, you mainly list what the university has to offer. You have participated in an engineering task. What are your goals now? Are there internships or other unique experiences that the university offers that can help you benefit later on in your field of study?

Also, you could use your group leadership position to discuss how your software design skills can help the university and society after you graduate. You discuss how the university can help you, but not "how you can help the university". When you change your paper don't add too many sentences. You are really on the right track. Also, I believe the paragraph about being a high school perfect needs to be taken out. It makes the essay too long. It is a great accomplishment but it could help you reach the 750 word limit.

-Throughout your paper change the word learnt to learned. When you discuss the task of work in groups, you should probably change, "come up with". Did you develop a software design and solution? When you discuss changing your plans midway, I would add, "through the project" at the end of this sentence. This will make the sentence more specific.

-The sentence after you mention the Top 5 Project honor, needs to be explained. I think there is too much that is stated. Change the last sentence to demand by employers.

I didn't make many grammar changes, because you need to add to your paper. Please don't go over the word count! Also, you start your paper really well.

Writing Feedback / Task: Treating animals - animals should not be exploited by people [2]

1st paragraph: Change others to some in the beginning of the second sentence
2nd paragraph: Change what to how in the latter part of the second sentence when you discuss how humans want to be treated. Also, place a comma after harm in this same sentence. Please explain what you mean by animals being of equal value. Are you referring to animals having equal freedom? Change to the survival of both species. You end this paragraph with humans. Are you making a comparison between animal rights and human rights?

3rd paragraph: When you discuss marasmus, this should be a new sentence. I am going to suggest changing researches to experiments.

I feel that you have answered the questions and even stated your position on the matter. If you have summarized from a source, don't forget to cite it in your paper. Good Job!

Speeches / MY SPEECH ON MY ADDRESS OF GRATITUDE FOR OUR GRAD CEREMONY [4]

When you greet others, just remember to say some of us and then speak about the destinations.

That first sentence is hilarious! Please don't forget to translate in English. It might help to put this on your speech throughout your essay when you speak in your native tongue.

Read your speech and change the word po to for when you see it. Please make sure to translate na baon to English (It's in the 2nd paragraph when you mention 3,000 days).I find using coming along with the joy rides confusing. I would say: It seemed like a joy ride and at times like we were competing in a race against one another. It is basically the same but you can explain what you mean by joy ride.

When you say your teachers caused traffic, do you mean they caused chaos or kept you busy. I'm having difficulties following the example about the driveway. Maybe you can say path instead of driveway. I think you felt that all the work the teachers gave you seemed to block your path, but it didn't. Instead, these teachers were helping you to succeed. I would change "will never reach this far" to "would have never made it this far."

You stated that you and your classmates will make your own name, but often we say, "make a name for ourselves". It is something we commonly say and it means we will gain respect. I think you want to gain respect in your field.

I would change part of the first sentence to, "I remember my first year professor". Don't change the rest of the sentence! Also, I think you mean, "we may have won trophies and awards. I would hope that you and your classmates didn't pay for it. Who are these distinctive award-giving bodies? I would change this. If it was faculty, you can mention this. Please don't use the word bodies. Change go back here in Letran to go back here to Letran. Also, delete something after back in this sentence. I don't know if you are speaking to those in English, but if you are you should translate the cheesy man comment. (That is a really great idea to use gasoline to describe how your school helped you!)

I would just change speak in behalf of you to speak on your behalf. The only joke I would leave out is partially paying your tuition fee. I would state highways of the real world.

Hopefully, you are able to make the changes. Read your essay after the changes are made. I didn't see anymore jokes that wouldn't be allowed. Also, think about how much time you have to read your speech. Congratulations!

Writing Feedback / The marital status of adult Americans between 1970 and 2000 [2]

1) 1st paragraph: Please delete about in the first sentence. There are a few instances where you state, "in USA", you must change it to "in the USA". There needs to be a space between in and 1970. When you refer to marriage being higher than divorce, I think you should give the period of time like you did in the first sentence. You can end the sentence with from 1970 to 2000 and delete over frimetime. The last sentence can be more specific. Ex: Marriage was the highest marital status of adult Americans in 1970 and 2000. I followed the title of the graph and looked at the percentage to help me with my sentence.

2) 2nd paragraph: When you begin the first sentence, you have a small error. There are two nines in 1970. Delete the first 9. Make sure there are periods between numbers. For example, you have 1,4 millions. Change this to 1.4 million. Make the same changes with any numbers that has a comma between them. Also in the next sentence delete the word "was" after divorce. The end of this sentence should read "million in that decade". To begin the next sentence you want to say, "In the next decade, from 1990 to 2000,"...and begin discussing that marriage decreased significantly. Keep millions singular by deleting the -s, and delete respectively. (This is not an easy task to explain two charts so mentioning the numbers helps the reader to understand the summary.) The last sentence just change the order of words, it should read "dramatic decrease".

3) 3rd paragraph: Please make sure that if you choose not to use a percent sign, that you don't make percent two words. Throughout this paragraph change per cent to percent. This last paragraph I would suggest making simpler sentences. I think you are trying to put too much information in one sentence. For example, never married was at 20 percent but widowed and divorced did not reach 10 percent.

If you make these changes you will do fine.

Undergraduate / The public library (contemporary issue/problem) Richmond Scholar Semifinalist essay [2]

1) 1st paragraph: I think there is too much information in the second sentence. Although there is little that you have to change in grammar, I suggest having some shorter sentences that still convey why you feel a public library is important. What do you mean when you state that children are introduced to their peers? Do you mean that children can interact or have shared experiences with their peers because of library programs? Please explain this to the reader. Change technological driven to technologically driven.

2) 2nd paragraph: This first sentence can be changed when you discuss that libraries would be secure in its funding. I suggest discussing consistent and adequate funding. This would mean that not only is it ongoing but there are enough funds to continue operating. I would take out the word leaving in the third sentence. If you read this sentence again with this change, it will show that these problems are consistent with lack of funding and demand.

3) 3rd paragraph: I would like you to simplify the first sentence. I think there are too many details in this sentence. Ex: I have always enjoyed going to the zoo as a child; whether it was with my teacher or school friends, I enjoyed seeing the giraffes, monkeys and tigers-even if it was the end of the school year. Correction: I have always enjoyed going to the zoo as a child. My fondest memories of going to the zoo were with my schoolmates. We enjoyed spending the whole day seeing the giraffes, monkeys, tigers, and other zoo animals.

This example is to show you how to correct your paper. Make sure your sentences are not run-on sentences or have too many details. You can lose the reader's attention.

I would change "gone to their" to "and attended their" to describe your participation in the libraries educational programs and activities. Please make this correction: "my mother, who is a librarian,..." How did you realize how hard pressed employees were if you were in a staff room? It seems like you were able to understand what the employees experienced through your observations. Also, I'm unsure about the explanation of filling three carts. The sentence does not explain that these were the duties of the employees. If you observed this at the library feel free to explain it this way.

4) 4th paragraph: How did you know there were books locked away? What are those books? Is this a real cause of concern? I assume this is as a reader, but you don't discuss it in your paper. Also, remember that some books are banned. Therefore, it is necessary to explain why this problem existed.

5) 5th paragraph: I would leave the explanation about imagining the shelves were fuller. You were a great help to the library and this contributed to a more organized and efficient system. You can state this in another sentence, but please leave the word imagine out of this paragraph.

6) 6th paragraph: Change the second sentence by stating "trying to make the library" and change our peers to other teens. I'm confused about the last sentence. Are you talking about the library or yourself? Also, it is a sentence that is by itself so I think it should be included in the paragraph. Use a transition word (i.e. Nevertheless) at the beginning on the sentence to link it to the rest of the paragraph.

Are you still helping the library? Did you volunteer last summer or are you planning on volunteering this summer? This will help you answer your level of involvement to date. Good job! I hope this helps you.

Grammar, Usage / How to write intext citations for publications by NGO's where no author is mentioned ? [6]

I'm not sure if you are using APA or MLA format. If you are using APA style, your paper would say, "According to the International Labour Organization (2012),...This is how you would start quoting since this is a well known organization. In MLA style, you would use a shortened version of the title and indicate the page number in parentheses at the end of the quote in the paper. Example of MLA: ("Marking Child Labour", 9). The reader can look at your works cited page to refer back to it. Remember the works cited page should list the entire publication name!*

When you use the passive voice it is common to use "by the" in the sentence. It also could to be used with forms of to be (is, was, were, have been).

The cat was caught by the dog.
The people were lost.

When I look at this first sentence, I feel it is okay because you know exactly what occurred. However, in the second sentence there could be more details added. For example, a writer could say: The people who were lost at sea looked forward to being rescued and reunited with their family.

There are different resources about the passive voice. However, I think that if you add enough details to your sentences then you will show that you want your reader to fully grasp what you are writing. You will avoid writing sentences where the reader questions: Who? What? Where? When? Why?How? Also, ask yourself these questions when you are writing so you can write complete sentences that give the right amount of details to the reader.

*I found this information from the site Purdue OWL for MLA & APA assistance.This site also helps you to understand the passive voice: I also tried to use my own examples.

Writing Feedback / Natural talents 'available' for every person? IELTS [2]

1st paragraph: Do you believe that with the gift of life, that everyone has a natural gift or ability? I am asking this question because the first sentence needs to help the reader to understand why you mention that some believe in natural talents. It seems like you have only one point of view in this paragraph.

2nd paragraph: A better way to describe an unspecific talent would be to state "without a specific talent". Please look at the study from Harvard University again. Where does this study come from? Is it a magazine, article, etc.? What are the exact words that the study uses?

For example: Imagine I am quoting from a university report about university students who fell asleep in philosophy class. It was reported in XXXX University Paper that in 2014, 15% of students fell asleep in philosophy in comparison with a 1999 report of only 10% (XXXX University Paper, page 8). Although this is not really a report, you can see how I give credit to the source and you know that it is from a university paper and the page I quoted from. You also know the dates and the percentage of students who feel asleep. Please make this very clear to the reader about the Harvard University study.

Also, in the last sentence do you mean that a person who does not have a specific talent should be encouraged and not give up so easily if he or she experiences limitations?

3rd paragraph: Place a comma after America. Also, who are educated football players? Are these professional football players? Do these football players use this 3D technology to master their skills on the playing field? The last sentence you want to state, "can help people become better at a specific talent".

4th paragraph: I think you mean that a person with a natural talent can easily transition from an amateur to a professional player in golf or football. I think if you want to include the sentence that describes Leonel Messi, you have to mention that they have more opportunities to master skills. For example, maybe someone learns skills at an amateur level and then develops better skills at a professional level like Leonel Messi. I'm unsure about the next few sentences. Are you saying that if a person has a natural skill, this will bring enthusiasm to the game or sport from those who play it and those who don't? Please write this sentence again.

5th paragraph: Do you feel that those without natural talents should still be helped to develop their natural abilities? This means that everyone would have the ability to develop a talent.

Essays / Statement for pursuing master degree in Biomedical Informatics [3]

If your bachelor's degree relates to this field, you can start your essay by expressing your interest to further your education. However, if you are pursuing a different field of study, I would state reasons why you are interested. When I did a little research on this topic, I found that you could use your services in basic science, clinical practice, and public health. In what setting are you focused on using this degree? I would also look at the courses in this program to help to focus on my topic. There are many links that could prove to be useful such as the , "About US","Research", and "Services" links on the university program's webpage. It will enable you to understand what the program offers and help you in deciding what opportunities maybe available to you. Here is an outline that you can use to help you organize your paper:

I. State who you are and why you are interested in pursuing a master's in biomedical informatics.
II. Choose a specific area in biomedical informatics that you are interested in and state how the program will help you understand or acquire the necessary knowledge and skills to pursue it.

III. Restate your interest in biomedical informatics and how attending this university will help you reach this goal. (Think about what separates this university from others who offer this program.)

Writing Feedback / The proportion of courses granted at the National University in three decades [3]

Please delete the word regarding in the first sentence. You also want to discuss the percentages of degrees and not use the term major. For example, when referring to the trends you want to say computer science degree to give recognition to the completion of the degree as indicated in these pie charts. There is a misspelling. In the second sentence change it to, "throughout this period".

When you compare medicine and law, this is a good observation. However, you may want to give dates. For example, the pie chart shows the same trend in degrees granted with a fluctuation of 5% in 2000, but a return to their original figure in 2010. If you give dates, the comparison is easier to follow.

It seems as if computer science and business had the same percentage of degrees granted in 1990. However, this is not clear because you add the word virtually. The next sentence I would change a quarter to 25% and 15 percent to 15%. Then I would add a comma between the percent sign and respectively. This will make it easier to read.

If this needs to be typed, please be careful about the spaces between the numbers and percent sign. Also, there is a space between a word that needs to be closed. Please change sec tor to sector. When you use respectively, this is really good. However, remember to place a comma before respectively.

I think you should use a transition word such as, However or Yet, before the beginning of the sentence regarding the degrees granted in medicine. When you describe medicine reverting back don't use the word like. There should be a comma after 25% and whist should be changed to while.

Writing Feedback / Should Everybody Allowed Admission to University Without Seeing Their Level of Academic Ability ? [3]

1) I'm having trouble with your first paragraph. Do you feel that as education standards increase that universities have to be more selective when admitting students to keep their reputation as an institution with academic excellence? Also, in this paragraph, you mention "level of academic" but the reader can only assume what this means. I think you may be referring to their academic record. However, schools have to look at this because of admissions requirements. The only other conclusion I can draw is that universities may believe in a student's potential to succeed so they don't scrutinize an academic record. This would open the door for more students to be admitted.

2) Personally, I would change the word stupid to academic weakness or learning difficulties. Some people with learning difficulties have problems in certain subjects, but maybe gifted in others.

3) Your transitions are good (Ex: On the other hand, However, etc). Yet, you use, "Take for Example" in the 3rd paragraph. Change it to "For example". Also, change students are graduated to "students graduate". When you mention to have a seat at a university, I would change this to "their intention is to be selected for a university degree program".

4) When you say enrollments this is the period when students are applying. You can mention standards for applying, because this would include test scores, grades, etc.

*I suggest explaining what quality of university means throughout this essay. I think you are discussing academic excellence but I would like you to explain this. Also, do you have an experience that you would like to tell?

Undergraduate / SVA Statement of Intent - Getting out of the Shadows [4]

1) What are you referring to when you state that your cousin is better than you? Does the rivalry relate to art? You have to describe this initially so that the reader isn't confused since you proceed to discuss art in the next sentence.

2) You could also say you were a novice rather than neophyte if you choose.
3) I think you maybe referring to walking along a blind path or walking aimlessly with no purpose, because it seems like you had a routine but you didn't enjoy it.

4) The reader may not understand what you mean by one ticket. Do you mean one way ticket?
5) Another way to say what Mrs. Akers did for you is, "renewed my passion for art". You don't have to change what you said, but this could mean that it was already there but she helped you to see that you were an artist.

6) Change "anyones shadow anymore" to anyone's shadow anymore.
7) I would change "Knowing when you are in Manhattan to, "When I learned that the school's location was in Manhattan, I was immediately enthralled because..."

8) My suggestion is to add details regarding how the university will help continue to nurture your passion for art. What other courses seem to interest you? Do they have internships at companies you are interested in working with? What is unique about their program? Also, I would explain what you are going to do differently to improve your GPA so admissions can see you are a serious student. You want to have a balance between pursuing your passion and meeting requirements at this university.

Be confident and you will do well. Nice Essay!

Graduate / My path to a college education has been filled with bumps, detours and roadblocs - MPA Application [12]

1st paragraph: Is it a public administrations program or public administration program? Take the -s off if this applies. Also, I don't think you need a colon after Baruch College. Therefore, delete the colon and put a period in its place.

2nd paragraph: Change from became her caregiver to become her caregiver. I'm asking you to make this correction because you made care giver two words. I also think it would be best to change working experience to work experience.

3rd paragraph: The first two sentences don't seem to fit anymore in your essay. If you look at the first sentence in the 6th paragraph, it seems like you are addressing this issue. In this paragraph it is a continuation of you being a caregiver and helping to assist your mom.

5th paragraph: Changed the word discuss to "discussed" in the third sentence.
I was having difficulty following what you were involved with in this paragraph. Here is my understanding:
1) You help organized wellness workshops
2) You participated in health care fairs and you took participants blood pressure and screened them for diabetes.
3) During these health fairs, did you offer participants information for group support sessions with topics such as diabetes and eating orders? Did you also distribute information on heart disease, breast cancer, and mental health issues?

When I read this, I became really confused. You have to separate the wellness workshops from the health care fair description to make it easier to understand for the reader. If you read my questions you can have an idea of how to express this information in a sentence. If this is not what you did, then please explain.

6th paragraph: I had to read the first sentence more than once. I am going to ask you to say, "I am interested in public healthcare management because I want to...."The rest of this sentence is fine. You just need to change part of the sentence so you can grab the reader's attention. Change this sentence by adding a comma after program: By studying in the program,

7th paragraph: There needs to be a link between the programs and interactions you have had. If there is not, the reader may be left to wonder why you are making this statement. You can add "in conjunction with" after scholarship programs. You are trying to tie the two ideas together. You could also say along with. Place an before "alumni" in the third sentence.The last sentence should not be separated from the rest of the paragraph. You can include it as the last sentence in the last paragraph.

Scholarship / How will the subject contribute to my career? [4]

I am going to list how you were persuasive and this will help you decide whether you need to make changes.
1) You feel that a masters will help you to apply the knowledge you gain to real world experiences in that field.
2) It will help you gain knowledge that will help you in the field of engineering
3) Having a masters will enable you to develop many skills that employers desire, so you can be a better employee at
work and contribute to the community.

You have minimal mistakes in this essay but I will point out some errors:
1st paragraph: Place "a" after the word obtaining when describing the Masters of Engineering program.
2nd paragraph: If interpreting plans is a separate job duty, I would start a new sentence to discuss interpreting plans. You could simply say that you will also be able to interpret plans and begin to list the other knowledge you have listed in this paragraph.

3rd paragraph: Change graduating in to "graduating with a". When you discuss shows a great promise, please just delete the "a". Do you mean students can practice English anywhere or whenever possible? There should be a comma after network. Also, add "their" after communication. This is just a suggestion, but I think you could change large opportunity to huge opportunity or an immense opportunity. When you discuss acquiring strength from diversity what do you mean? Place a comma after organizations.

Undergraduate / My future goals - what to do in the future is a decision for the rest of our life [6]

1) Just correct the second sentence by deleting, which are, and changing to about. When you say you didn't know where to work, I am thinking you have many job offers. However, I think you mean that you didn't know whether to start working. If this is correct, change the word where to whether. This shows that you were undecided or didn't know what to do. The last sentence I want you to put the word about after think.

2) Instead of describing traveling as tools for life you could say life skills. Also, you can use a transition word such as However or Yet when referring to your desire to keep studying. For example: However, I want to keep pursuing my education. Change the word Psychologist to psychologist. I am able to understand your writing, but I am confused about what you want to study. Human resources and psychology are different fields at a university. Here is what I feel you are trying to tell the reader:

I am a psychologist, but I am interested in human resources. I am interested in a master's program called, "work and organizational psychology". If this is not true, then you should change this so the reader can understand your plans for the future.

3) I think you should change the sentence about your boyfriend. How do you want to work together with him? I think this may not belong or fit with this sentence. Let me give you an example to help you. Ex: When I am ready to settle down, my future goal is to marry my boyfriend, buy a home, and have children. Often in English, we use ready to settle down because we are referring to being in a committed relationship and sharing our life with someone. You were almost correct in trying to explain this.

4) You are almost correct in this last sentence. You want to express that "there is no recipe for happiness".

*I feel the biggest correction you can make to your paper is to make a paragraph with these three goals. The paragraph should start with, "I have three goals for the future." Then the next sentence you should discuss wanting to travel to another country. The paragraph should end with the last sentence at the end of this essay. This would change your paper from a few paragraphs to only two paragraphs. The reader will be able to follow your thoughts better because it will be more organized.

Writing Feedback / The youngsters should use their opportunities to travel or work wisely - it might help to find a job [3]

I suggest stating young people throughout the essay since this is the essay question. However, you may use youngster if you prefer to because it means young people.

Paragraph 1: Change to "becoming a" in the first sentence. We wouldn't say applying in university because there is a process that is followed. A better way to say it is to apply to a university. If you use drawback just make it plural by adding an -s to the end as you did perfectly with the word benefit.

Paragraph 2: Help me to understand your view in this first sentence. Do you believe that young people will be offered cheap labor because they don't have the degree, skills, or experiences that qualify them for better work? When you mention the South Wales studies, please look back at your research or source again. 60 per cent should read as 60%. Please cite your source too. Did you get this from a website, book, etc.? I assume that you mean the "trend will increase cheap labor rates". You can change it to this if you feel that more young people will receive this salary with no higher education. I would change the last sentence. Do you think that when young people delay their educational pursuits to travel, they stall their careers and later become unemployed? For example: Imagine a young person decided to wait to go to a good college. This person travels and works at a coffee shop for a year, but plans to sign up for the university to become a doctor.

Could it be that young people will be unemployed or they many never fulfill their career dreams? This is just something to think about to make your paper better.

Paragraph 3: This is an excellent point about soft skills. Please delete the word experience and place a comma after which. I'm having some difficulty understanding this next sentence. Will young people have basic skills needed for them to find a job? Is this correct? The next sentence you discuss a job link. You could say that traveling and working will help them to network with others and have references to help them find a job. For example, a job could require three references. These references should be professional. A young person could have references from their last job or use their interaction with people whom they met (network) while traveling to find out about jobs. The last sentence, please change the ending to while traveling.

Paragraph 4: Please delete "form of" in this last. Also, change "them" to "it" in the last sentence.

Book Reports / Independent Reading Assignment Critique - A Passage to India [2]

I hope these suggestions help. I looked at each paragraph and really focused on parts that could be confusing or areas in the paper that need more clarity. The suggestions are in the order that the paragraphs were written.

1) Delete the a before along in the first sentence. When you describe the Marabar caves of India place a period after India. I want you to do this because I want you to discuss Dr. Aziz's trial more in depth. Do the people become enraged during the trial? Change the word coherent to coherently. I am assuming that you want to say the universal truths were revealed and not opened. Is this correct?

2) I'm unsure if I read this book. However, I feel it is confusing when you discuss the settings of the book then proceed with discussing the author again. If you don't discuss what these settings of the book reveal about the author as you are discussing throughout the paper, it becomes just details. Those details can be distracting.

3) There are a few grammar issues in the last sentence of the third paragraph. Change though to thought. My should be changed to me and Great Britain to British.

4) When you discuss Forster's writing in the next paragraph, are you trying to express how one country assumed that it was there right to dominate another country? Delete the word so after case in the next sentence. I'm unsure what you are trying to express in the next sentence. Are you referring to the mistreatment of Indians? The next sentence only needs to be changed to, "British for" when discussing what happened to Ms. Quested. Did you have respect or did you have an opinion of this control? I was confused about your feelings regarding this matter. I also would delete the information about Russia since it is too confusing to add if you are critiquing a reading assignment specifically about another topic.

5) You use dare twice in one sentence. The first part of the sentence you may state dare to be condescending. Yet, the second dare is misused. When you use it this way it sounds like you don't want them to uplift each other. Delete dare to when you describe the lasting bond between those two. It will change the meaning and be more coherent.

6) Did the grueling details upset your day or upset you? Please make "the" lowercase when describing the British arrogance. Place a comma after again and I.

7) I think you should change apprehend to attract readers.

Graduate / My path to a college education has been filled with bumps, detours and roadblocs - MPA Application [12]

I don't think you should say you were confronted with something full force. You can be directly confronted with an issue. I would change the sentence that describes the CFAC. My suggestion is to describe the charitable foundation exactly as stated. Then at the end of the sentence called the "CFAC. The next sentence I would discuss that without the coalition's financial assistance, paying for treatment would have been arduous or difficult. You discuss public health management in the 5th paragraph, but you say public administration, healthcare management in the 4th paragraph. Would it be easier to use public health management? Change the beginning of the 4th paragraph by changing it to, "I am interested". Then decide if you want to use public health management as previously stated. Then state, "because I want to find ways to develop". I don't know if you want to keep the last sentence but I suggest you changed armed with knowledge to equipped with knowledge.

In the next paragraph, it seems like you are undecided or continually stating what you would like to do. You have enough descriptions so you won't have to restate what you are interested in. Use another word rather than armed in this paragraph. You can delete it with describing the healthcare system and just describe it as hope in the nation's healthcare system. Delete the semicolon and start a new sentence with the word "Everyone". The last two sentences seem to veer off from discussing Baruch and back to your position. Read the paragraph without these sentences to see if you feel the same. Also, when you discuss Baruch in this paragraph, it should probably be discussed at the end of your paper. I suggest that when you discuss Baruch really devote a paragraph to how the program in this school will assist you with your goals. You seem as if you are doing this in the last paragraph.

*You made many changes and I think your essay was easy to understand. I want you to think about my suggestions that can help you improve your paper.

Undergraduate / A simple engineering admission essay . AUC: What would you benefit from studying in our university. [2]

There is a misspelling of enquiries. It is spelled inquiries. Also, delete here and there. What do you anticipate to be an A-level result? Is it your grades? Please describe in more detail. I would describe a passion for pursuing a profession as a desire. I suggest either deleting admiration or discussing how you admire engineering professionals. I could understand how one could have a desire to pursue a profession along with admiration for professionals in that field.

I would discuss how you want to obtain a degree in civil engineering and later pursue a Masters and Ph.D. in the same field of study. Do you want to be an established engineer or an accomplished engineer?

You use the word one and then reasons. I believe you are discussing only one major reason and that is living your dream. You can change the sentence by stating that it is a major reason why you want to attend. I want you to change the last sentence. When you discuss getting a good education at a reputable school this should be a new sentence. Do you want to go to a reputable school to achieve your future goals? Do you feel this will give you a good start? Think about this before writing your last sentence.

Undergraduate / Hamid-ur-Rehamn ; Common App/ Person who had influence [2]

I'm going to help you with your paper paragraph by paragraph in order.

1st paragraph: Put just a after Mardan. Change to earn a living. Looked up to him means to admire but I think you mean that the boy's father relied on him to earn bread and look after the family. Please change this. Change to "study to". Use past tense: paid

2nd paragraph:Do you mean taken when you refer to your exam? Did you read the stories in English first and then translated them? Was the translation spoken or written? Please describe this better. You use the word indulging, do you mean enjoyable? This would describe how you were having a good time. When you refer to your friend as shy that is all you need. You can delete to speak out. You can use a transition word such as However or Yet to begin the sentence where you discuss your assumption of the boy. Also, you may want to replace crushed with wrong because you were surprised during this quiz to see his accomplishment.

3rd paragraph: Place a comma after test. When discussing how he spent time in the class, please delete the and place a comma after class.

4th paragraph: When you begin your description, remember to state that, "He was a". Then discuss his qualities. Also, add and before helpful boy. Delete just too only if you are not quoting what he said. If you are quoting, you can leave just too to describe how grateful he was to God.

You told the story well and it was a good ending!

Writing Feedback / Advertising is known as the predominant factor which influence the high sales of popular stuff [3]

Change the word stuff to goods in this essay. This will help the reader to understand that you are still referring to consumer goods.

1st paragraph: I wouldn't use whereas in this first sentence. I would start a new sentence with the word some. Also, you use the word pursue in this sentence so it sounds like it is a chase. You could use entices or pressures. Entice would mean they are making it seem like there are advantages to buying. If you discuss sales rate, make rate plural. Throughout the paper you can look and change it to sales rates. Change have to has. Also, I think negative temptation can be deleted because you are discussing how advertisers manipulate people because you explain it in the beginning of the paragraph. Delete in order to in this sentence.

2nd paragraph: Are you referring to how advertising makes people more curious to buy popular goods because it only illustrates the benefits of using those products? This second paragraph seems researched. If it is a source, please give credit to that source. Cite the source in your paper. Did it come from a book, website, etc?

3rd paragraph: Delete about in the first sentence. Start a new sentence using, "Most advertisers". I think in this new sentence you want to discuss how these famous people are their spokesperson. Mascot is used in sports. I would put "For example" at the beginning of the next sentence because you are describing something that is related to a famous person. Then discuss how this ad uses a football player for their product. This football player would be their product's spokesperson. Are you trying to explain how the product makes people want to try it because they see the football player in the ad?

4th paragraph: This last sentence is confusing. Please revise. Do you feel that it is wise for people to think before purchasing goods? Also, do you think that if they think more before they make purchases, it will prevent them from purchasing unnecessary products?

Writing Feedback / The table provides the information which city is more expensive: Riverdale or Cape Alicia [3]

You didn't discuss a 7% percent figure in healthcare in the city of Riverdale. You only state the 7% figure in the paper. Please explain what this figure means so the reader can understand. In the second paragraph, state that these figures pertain to Riverdale. You don't mention Riverdale in this paragraph. Also, you have 4.5% listed wrong. Please, take out the comma between these numbers and write it according to the table chart.

Good job in the third paragraph! I'm glad you began the sentence referring to Caped Cod. If you make a comparison please state it is the lowest cost not the highest cost because you are trying to convey that the expenses are cheaper in Caped Cod in comparison with Riverdale. Please check over your percentages again. 1.2% is listed wrong. If you have a comma between two numbers, you should change it to a period. I want you to place a comma after 1.2% in the second sentence. The next sentence you should place a comma after pattern and state they are both 0.8% and 0.5%, respectively. Ex: When I read a statement like this I will know that the 0.8% represents health care and groceries is represented by 0.5%. You change your tense in the last sentence. Keep using the word is and not was. If you want to use fairly in this paragraph, you could describe percentages as fairly high or fairly low.

Undergraduate / What does it mean to be cultured? Texas A&M essay [2]

In the end of an essay you should avoid giving examples again. I think this is why there is so much confusion. There could be an example of the past in the body of the essay and then a discussion about modern day society. It seems that you are discussing that in the past and present being cultured is a learned behavior. One has to work on it. Also, it seems that you feel this is a generational issue. You should make an outline about past and present developments in this order then end your paper. You could start the last paragraph with, "In summary," and restate the definition of cultured according to your opinion. Only please change respecting to respecting others (I believe this is what you are trying to express). Then the first sentence would be state here. Next, end with the last sentence. Read it in this order to see if you like this suggestion. You can add more sentences, but I think the major problem was the example in the last paragraph.

Undergraduate / 'Leaving home at the age of 16' - Common App Essay [3]

Change your tense. You are speaking in the past. Change have never to never and will to would. If you describe it as the friends you leave the reader questioning who you are describing. If you say my friends, the reader can associate them with you. (They are your friends) Just add the before next few months.

In English we say, I've never met you or I haven't met him. By using contractions correctly, you can sometimes avoid a misunderstanding in English. Also, other language is expressed as another language. It is confusing when you say a big role. You don't have to start the sentence with "Definitely".

You repeat the word longer. Some people say for a long time because they were gone longer than expected. I know you don't mean a cold head. Did you learn to be responsible and solve your own problems? I don't know if this is how you felt. The word homesickness is a good word to use. You want to express, "I became homesick". This was a feeling you felt when you were away from home too long.

I would delete although. If you use the word although to begin this sentence, I would expect you to continue to explain what you were taught. You tutored subjects the students had difficulty learning. Is this correct? I would change this sentence because it was confusing. Were these projects team projects that let you be creative and work with other students? This is what I think you mean by this sentence.

I think when you start this last paragraph you think that being in another country you may need others to help you, but may not always receive it when you need it the most. I think you have learned many lessons. Some of those lessons seem to be overcoming your fears. You should avoid using the fact in this essay. Please delete! You are using your own words. In English, sometimes we say lifelong friends or friendships that will last a lifetime. It really has the same meaning, because the person expects the friendship not to end. Learnt is not an English word. Maybe it sounds like it ends with a t, when you heard it. The actual word is learned because it is what already happened. You did this in the past. There were three traits you had open minded, a smile, and a positive attitude. If you use the word Despite, it seems negative and not positive. I think you just want to discuss that the kids liked you and elected you as prom princess. The only other change is a comma after them in the last sentence.

I explained the changes this way so you make your paper better. I learned a second language and it can be difficult to write in another language if it is not your first language. My best advice is to read your essay again when you make changes to it.

.

Scholarship / Study objective, become a chemical engineer in one of the biggest oil producers in the world [3]

I notice that you choose to add years at the end of sentences. Try adding them at the beginning. It will make the paper easier to read. Also, you are using the word got quite frequently. I will suggest some ways to change this so the reader isn't distracted by the grammar. Also, try not to use stuff so frequently. You learned about engineering so you know that there is specific information that one must learn in this field. I think your enthusiasm is great! However, you may want to delete (And I love it!). I think it is used too much in this essay. Actually, if you want to use the term love, I think it is more appropriate when you discuss how you love to learn and love your job.

In the first paragraph, I am going to give an example of how to change the years. Ex: For two years, I have worked at an agency that specialized in placing office workers. Follow the same format when describing your experience working with the oil and gas company. Use a transition word such as However or Yet to begin the next sentence in this paragraph. Make sure to put a comma after the word you decide to use.

Most of the second paragraph needs to be changed. It seems like you are talking about your past experience working on site. I think you should state that when you were a recent graduate a company sent you to their location to work on site. Delete there after projects. I would revise the last two sentences. It seems as if your interactions in this team provided you with the knowledge and skills to learn engineering. Is this correct?

The third paragraph, I would spell the word 2. Then I would start describing the projects I worked on. The reader will know you are telling them something new. You could describe it by stating that, while working for that company you completed two projects. When you discuss the projects,You can start the first sentence with the word, "During the first project" and delete the comma and I and change to "and helped" when describing the engineer you worked with. (Really, what you are doing is taking out project one.) Project two you can describe it as, "The second project". Make the same changes with the comma and the change of words. Now read these sentences after you have revised them. Did you really enjoy applying your knowledge which is another way to say learning by doing?

In the fifth paragraph, change the first sentence to the "company I worked". You can keep: I loved it! Take out the word obviously. I think that what is missing the most with this fifth paragraph is how you will help with community development. You say you are going to help in another country. I'm not sure if this is specifically for Texas or anywhere in the world. Do you want to help increase oil production in your country with an engineering degree? Do you think your knowledge could help globally in every community? You just have to discuss how you are going to use your knowledge to help the community to grow in the oil and gas industry. I would suggest more grammar changes, but I think this information needs to be added. Also, my last suggestion is to change learn deeper to learn more.

I know you have a limited time to finish this, but I hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / Living in a comfortable apartment is always a good choice and the same applies to univerity students [3]

First, you made some good points about living in a dormitory. However, some campuses have more lenient visitation hours with those who don't live in the dormitory. In the first sentence of the first paragraph, I was really confused. Do you feel that university students can decide if they would like to live in a dormitory or an apartment?

I also wouldn't quote students unless you mention that you have spoken with them about apartment living. You could say that you think students would feel more comfortable in an apartment. What do you mean by profitable? Do you feel students save money, do they enjoy the experience, etc. You can simplify the sentence by stating that it is your preference to live in an apartment.

In the third paragraph there are some run-on sentences.Here is how to change it: When you give an example you should start a new sentence. When you say: "For example", this is a good way to begin a sentence because you begin to state your opinion. After you mention going to take a shower you could make a new sentence when you describe having the ability to sleep when you want to sleep. There are also some issues with meaning in this paragraph. Explain what you mean by ordering something from outside. Are you referring to ordering takeout? Also, when a person decides they want have a party, they will usually tell their friends that they are going to have a party at home.

I want you to revise this last sentence in the last paragraph. Do you think that apartment living can give a person their privacy and they don't have to socialize and meet new students? What do you mean by groupmates? Are these classmates or your friends? Please revise the comment about the roommate. I suggest just stating you can avoid being with a roommate you dislike.

3 suggestions to make your paper better.
1) Sometimes you leave out indefinite articles.
Here's an easy way to tell: Look at the last sentence in your paragraph. You use it correctly here. You say "an apartment". If you read the sentence. However, you forget to use "an" before apartment in the sentence before this. Also, you say in dormitory. You should change it to in "a dormitory".

2) Lowercase i should be changed be uppercase.
3) In the second paragraph, you discuss taking responsibilities. This can confuse the reader. I think what you are referring to is the shared responsibility that roommates have because they live in the same space. This could include cleaning, being peaceable with one another, considerate of each other's study habits, etc.

*Take your time with this easy and read your revisions to see if it makes sense. You have good examples.

Scholarship / Development plan for scholarship- MA in Marketing [2]

*This essay talks about Iran but you never mention if this is the country where you live. If this is where you live, you should mention this in your first paragraph so you can answer the question to the topic more clearly. Otherwise, it may seem as if you are choosing a country that you are interested in, but have no personal connection to.

The second sentence in the first paragraph you talk about organizations' success. Are you referring to the organizations successes that you took part in the different countries you mentioned in the first sentence? I would revise this because it could be a bit confusing. There are two ways to use the word endeavor. The British form is endeavours and the English form is endeavor. Which form are you trying to use? You don't have to add -es to research.

Please delete not surprisingly because it is a good sentence without this addition. How has the marketing strategies been unconnected? There is a misspelling of Iran in the third paragraph. Change the sentence when you discuss prioritizing advancing your knowledge. Do you mean that if you advance your knowledge in marketing you can address issues from a global perspective? I would change leave the door open and future learnings in this last paragraph. Another way to discuss leaving the door open would be to expand your knowledge. I'm describing it this way because I think you are open to constantly learning about the subject of marketing through those courses. However, future learnings can be described as future studies, because you will be studying marketing. Also, in the last sentence, the British form is programme but the English from is program? Which form are you trying to use?

Writing Feedback / The producing and developing of phones have some positive and negative features [3]

1st paragraph: Everything is one word. Replace the "i" at the end of computer with a comma. I'm unclear about your last sentence. Will you be discussing the advantages and disadvantages of producing and developing smart phones?

2nd paragraph: Delete initially in this first paragraph. You can start the paragraph with "One". You used convenience rather than convenient. Describe more clearly what you mean by working out problems with a smart phone? Can a person accomplish many tasks that involve more than talking? Change thins to things. Change the last sentence in this paragraph. Smart was misspelled. Also, you want to end the sentence with, "people's eyes today."

3rd paragraph: Revise the first sentence. Are you trying to express that the disadvantages of using smart phones are health hazards? I would try to avoid starting a sentence with "because". You can make this next sentence into two sentences. Ex: One health hazard is radioactive materials. These materials can lead to heart and kidney damage, cancer, or fatigue. *If this comes from a source, please cite your source. (Good point to make about distracted drivers!) Please change disractive factor to distraction so the sentence is easier to understand. Explain how there is an ignition risk? Are you referring to talking on the phone while pumping gas? Revise the last two sentences. What should people be careful about? Also, you were discussing disadvantages in this paragraph so the last paragraph should end with disadvantages rather than advantages.

4th paragraph: There are minor issues in this last sentence. There is a misspelling of some and a misspelling of "or". Can you add more in your summary or is there a limit on the amount of words you can use? I think you could make this better by adding two or more sentences.

Writing Feedback / Ten-year summary on the amount of online sales for the New Zealand's retail sectors [3]

1st paragraph: Change to: changes in. Also percentage is spelled incorrectly. Good interpretation of this pie chart in this 1st paragraph!

2nd paragraph: I'm confused by your reading of film and music in 2003. Also, when you express 1/3 in explaining the figure for 2013, this could be confusing. I think it is better to continue to summarize the pie charts using percentage rather than fractions. This will keep your summary more consistent. There was a slight error. Book sales increased from 19% to 22%.

3rd paragraph: I would place "in" before "over a decade". I think you should simplify the second sentence. Make two sentences. Before the word respectively place a comma. That word should be the end of the sentence. You can add "This was" before higher to begin a new sentence. Read it with the changes made. Check the numbers in this paragraph and my suggestion again is to avoid fractions. If you summarize with the percentages provided, you can check the numbers to ensure you have an accurate summary.

I'm sure with these changes you will do good!