Undergraduate / Piano vs. Stereotypical Asian - Which one should I pick? [3]

two major orchestra...
What is the plural of the word "orchestra?" I think it is "orchestras."

So.. do this:
two major orchestras...

My friends think of me as a stereotypical Asian because I'm an Asian who is in Asian club. -----This sentence is good, rhythmic, powerful writing. I like this sentence a lot, and I also like the sentence that says you were "lucky to make it [into the orchestra]."

Learning from Youtube and following the interest is a great accomplishment! I'm glad you included this, because it will make people feel very impressed.

To be honest, the initial reason why I joined the Asian club is was that because I thought it was mandatory for Asian students. ----Wow, very interesting... ha ha, you are a great writer.

At that By the time, I was an immigrant from a homogenous country, and I who couldn't even speak English fluently. -I I was not ready for such a diverse world.

:-)

Undergraduate / "the days that we will make in Babson" - Dear my future roommate [2]

youth at Babson, I want to get to each other more.

Babson will always be the wellspring of limitless learning to encourage us to pursue our dreams. ----Okay, this is good, but i think after this you have to say specific things instead of poetic/eloquent things. Well, say specific things eloquently.

But it has to get specific...

It will be Babson where we start off. The school will remind us of the real qualities of learning with the virtues of its integrity, diversity, innovation, collaboration, and ... heart pounds fast in excitement. Likewise, I too, desire to stand for Babson's development. ---All this stuff is abstract, and it is better if you get rid of it and start talking about your specific intentions, your plans for the next 12 months, the next 24 months, etc.--- that is the way to be most impressive. Show that you have a serious plan.

:-)

I like this part, very clever: Everything we do, everything we feel will make up the new pages of Babson's history. I am ready for this, how about you?

Undergraduate / "Ideas through knowledge" - Chicago- How does the school satisfy your wishes. [3]


This sentence if very cool, because the parenthetical comment about occasionally believing something is evidence to support the point made in the sentence. It gives the reader a cool experience.

I love to know and I love to learn. let's not waste words with claims like this. "Show, don't tell."

This is very eloquent, but I think if you are a serious planner of future endeavors the essay will, at least a little, reflect your interests and goals as their achievement can be facilitated by resources and (specific names of) professors at this school.

:-)

Undergraduate / "presents endless opportunities for me" - Rutgers Application Essay [6]


This is well written, and it definitely demonstrates your ability to think and write clearly. However, this part quoted above has no real meaning... it is just a general idea about sharing experiences. The essay should focus mainly on a specific theme that the reader can associate with you.. a theme to help them know you.

Almost everyone I have known has been from a middle-class, white, Catholic family. ---Now this becomes very specific right here. It becomes interesting, because the idea of lots of Catholic, middle class people in N. Jersey really makes people's minds start working.. the reader gets to participate in the essay when you introduce a concept like this.

Okay, bottom line: The theme is not clear enough, but I think this will be well received. In general, I think this one is a success. Sorry I did not get to read it before it was due. :-)

Undergraduate / Person with significant influence on you - my father and Paulo Freire [3]

One too many modifiers... too many adverbs: ...highly resistant to the notion of dutifully accepting the knowledge authority figures have tried to pass on to me.---This is my idea for you...

my perennial question was "Why?". -----Do not put a period after a question mark. The question mark has a period in it.

Also, though, I think this is a little too common. "Why" is a question all kids notoriously ask. It does not make you original.

Adverbs make an essay worse, not better:
As mildly irritating as this must have been ----just my opinion!! :-)

I see that this gets better and better as it goes on... I almost want to recommend scrapping that first paragraph, because the rest of the essay seems so much better...

I soon stumbled onto the idea of relativism. ---excellent sentence!!
Life boils down to our interactions with one another.---excellent sentence!!

:-)

Undergraduate / My First Computer (meaningful event application essay for UF) [4]


This is actually a run on sentence. Can you find the problem?
You can do this:
My eyes popped open, I jumped out of bed, and I ran into the living room to meticulously inspect the gifts surrounding the Christmas tree.

or
My eyes popped open. I jumped out of bed and ran into the living room to meticulously inspect the gifts surrounding the Christmas tree. Each present lay there, wrapped and bowed to perfection, with the exception of a massive UPS box awkwardly shoved into the back corner. ----You write in an interesting, entertaining way.

Here is a good solution:
When my eyes popped open, I jumped out of bed and ran into the living room to meticulously inspect the gifts surrounding the Christmas tree.----This is my favorite way to fix it. :-)

monumented marvel... I quit! I'll never be as good a writer as you!

Writing Feedback / Educational Success - view on single-sex education essay [2]


I guess I think you should stick with one for clarity. You can use both words, sex and gender, in the essay, but I think you should stick with only one of them that you hyphenate with "single"

Keeping schools in a single gender situation can also provide more stability with for the teacher, since the teaching styles ...

Although many of the single-gender school are private, researchers believe through proper funding from local and federal levels, single-gender schools can be thoroughly integrated.

... sector for not providing equality, yet students in single gender schools are given equal ...

Teaching to a room filled with boys is completely different than teaching a room with both genders. male and female.

We are in an era in which gender equality is something we are working to achieve. If boys and girls are educated differently, that does not help to achieve equality. For example, look at what you wrote here:

With a room filled with males students, a teacher can be more aggressive in their discipline behavior and also the lack of distractions (female students) cause many male student to become more attentive to studying.

If there is more discipline for boys, employers will expect boys to be more disciplined and resilient than girls.

Remember, education has more than one purpose. Are you thinking of it as merely a way of producing high test scores? It is also a process where students learn to think critically, socialize, appreciate the arts, develop their personalities. Of all the lessons I learned in school my favorites were the ones I learned from girls!

:-)

Reduced violence, rapes, murder, and a better education growth are provided my by single gender schools.

Undergraduate / "I like the study of anything related to business" (Dear Roommate) -Babson Supplement [5]

As you obviously do not know,---- this part is weird, because there is no reason to comment on the fact that the person does not know.

I think you do a great job right up until this part:
As we are about to embark on an adventure of a lifetime, ---it is getting repetitive and sort of empty of meaning. Right here is the place to tell about your goals for the future.

it is necessary we are led .... undecided about what I want to major in, but am sure that it will have to do with busin ess. -----Do not tell them what you are unsure of. Students who never give serious thought to life have no plans. Students who think a lot about life and the future have a lot of plans. You may not have selected a major, but that is because you are keeping your options open as you pursue several specific goals.

So... I think you could revise a little to show what you ARE decisive about. That shows what you are all about.

Undergraduate / "traits manifested in the success" - University of Florida application [4]


I think this sentence is not important or interesting enough to occupy this space at the front of the essay. Why not revise it so that it is filled with interesting meaning? Start with a bang.

Oh, but I see that the way you develop that first paragraph is excellent... nicely written!
When you get here, it is good to use a comma:
I already had a place in mind, but the management was on hiatus.-----use a comma for a compound sentence... right before the conjunction.

funnest... I think this is actually a real word, but some people may think it is a childish mistake. You should change it, because even though I am pretty sure it is not incorrect, most people would scoff at it. :-)

Undergraduate / "A Small Frog in a Small Pond" - UT undergrad essay [4]

...outside of their small worlds .

You have such a nice style of writing! I can find small mistakes to correct, but nothing serious.
Here is some advice... this is what a colon is for:
Children of all sizes, though most of them lanky and small, came with one question in their minds: What could these people possibly do for us?

(I added a colon after "minds")

Below, you have the word "things" twice, and I think in both places you can think of better words to use, words that are more specific:

However, it was the kids who gave and taught me important things I need to know in life. Through them I learned that there are things much more important than being comfortable; in order to...

Undergraduate / Expressing my inner world -My Kitchen- UNC Chapel Hill Prompt [5]

I love it. I googled this phrase to see if it was a common phrase in cooking...
dangerous and flavourful medleys

I did not find any results. So.. I think this must be a culinary term you came up with.. very good stuff... you should use that term in some other writing projects, perhaps in advertisements for your restaurant.

You write so poetically, I don't want to change anything, but I'll give you a comma lesson:
Lists need a comma after every item:
cheesecake falls apart, pasta sauce remains stubbornly watery, and curries become an unappetizing mush.

Many people think otherwise, but they are wrong and I am right.
Actually, I see that you did follow this rule in the rest of the essay.

Here is another idea:
the ones that I am most familiar with.
the ones with which I am most familiar.

Now I am so hungry!!!

Undergraduate / "Had my father not cheated on my mom" -UT - someone who has made an impact on my life [5]


You have a nice way of writing! I think you can simplify this sentence so that the reader can appreciate it more. It is not necessary to include so many details. Just give a powerful experience with few details.

You can make it so that the main focus of the essay is on her strength and love -- not on "an affair." Your essay is great because of its ability to inspire the reader with this sense of unbreakable love, despite grief... it is something the reader can really appreciate. But the focus can be on something positive, and you can JUSTIFY it all by drawing a connection, in the conclusion para, between the lesson you learned from this and the career you want to enter.

:-)

Undergraduate / "What Can I bring to the College Campus?"-Common App-Feedback? [4]

You need a vehicle to transmit the ideas. The vehicle is called a theme. For example, President Obama used a theme, "Yes we can" and also "change." But these are not the ideas he wanted to transmit. The idea he wanted to transmit was that he was in touch with what the people wanted.

In your case, you want to transmit the idea that you are super-intelligent, and you can do that only with the use of a theme. Some self-depreciating humor would help, too, to balance the self-aggrandizement, which you should minimize. Make the essay about a concept, a theme.

Probably it will be related to your plan for the next 12-20 months. What is your current theme?

Undergraduate / "What I love about Tennis"-common application essay on one of activities. [10]

In such a short essay, it might not be good to use up so many words like this at the start:
I have been playing tennis regularly since elementary school. Even today, I always try to find the time to play in the midst of my hectic schedule. However, At first, I did not enjoy tennis.

I see where the essay really starts, and it is here:

At first, I did not enjoy tennis. My dad is a huge fan of tennis; he used to pressure me to love the game, which led to occasional quarrels. As I grew up, I started ... the perseverance, and the sportsmanship.---Make this all one paragraph, and end it here with sportsmanship.

That is my idea for you... and it gives you room to add on more profound, interesting idea about tennis, and leave the reader thinking about it at the end of the essay.

:-)

Undergraduate / UMD 300 word essays: personal style and what is your something [4]

I remember my first sighting of adult-sized footie pajamas as though it occured mere hours ago.----this is just rewording a common cliche. The essay is brilliant, so it deserves to have a great first sentence. You can do anything you want with this first sentence, so what is it going to be? You can transmit any message you want the reader to receive at the start of the essay.

But... overall this is really a winner. Don't change anything about the ending!

Ha ha, I just read the second one, and I'm afraid I can't help you improve it. It's perfect. I ... I don't know, I guess you can replace 'them' with an interesting noun here:

way to best handle them. ------
...way to best handle solve their problems.

I can't think of ways to help! It's too good!

Undergraduate / Why Political Communication? Common App 200 words [8]

Studying Political Communication will challenge me to analyze my thinking process and to develop further political ideas that might influence my country's body politic in the near future.----This is the only sentence I don't really like. It certainly is great, but the quality of the paragraph shows that you can do better. Instead of making a general affirmation that you can 'influence the...politic' you can say something specific about a popular, urgent need for reform... something many people feel strongly about that needs to be improved. What do YOU feel strongly about improving in government? You can get specific at the end.

Undergraduate / Peddlers, Smell, Way, Indian beliefs, Growth - Personal Statement about Culture [4]


Neither is this essay. This is the kind of thing that we should not lay a finger on. When something comes up with this kind of rhythm, it surely has the energy of inspiration.

That means don't touch it!

However, you can prune it and trim it like Mr. Miyagi with a bonsai.
Mostly, though, you leave it alone.

Undergraduate / Cats and me----Stanford supplement: note to your roomate [3]


This could be reworded a little. Since you are going to be... I probably should tell you... -------I think it makes more sense this way because a person does not think, "I am going to be an important part of his life, so he should tell me a few things..."

I like the last paragraph a lot. And the theme you chose is interesting. The AO reader may or may not appreciate it. I think one way to improve the chances that the AO reader will appreciate it is to mention your intended major and plan for your career. That tells what you are all about. What is a cat's attitude toward your chosen career?

:-)

Undergraduate / "majoring in accounting" - your intended major. Feedback for UC Personal Statement. [4]

I understand that if I choose a major I did not like I will be stuck doing something I might regret for a long time. ----This sentence is okay for the essay, but I want you to know it is not necessarily true. You can probably think of 3 careers that are most likely the ones you would enjoy, and they are probably all related in a way that would enable you to KEEP your options open. Know what I mean? Choose a major that will keep your options open so that you can, if you want, get a masters and phd in areas that start to interest you in the next few years.

I know that I wanted to do something that I can help other people in need with,
I know that I want to do something work that will enable me to help other people in need, especially with monetary matters, so I explored my options by taking some general education courses.

But to me it is more that, I find accounting to be an exciting and a beneficial way to help...

Look at how you wrote this sentence: By majoring in accounting I know that I have chosen a road ahead of me that I must strive to overcome obstacles to achieve greatness. ----This sentence can be simplified in the following way:

I have chosen a road that I must strive.---it makes no sense. Grammar is a lot like math: reduce it to simple terms to check for correctness.

By majoring in accounting I know that I have chosen a road that will require me to overcome obstacles to achieve greatness.

:-)

Undergraduate / "My goal is to establish an exquisite fashion line and donate" - Temple essay [14]


Right here, you completely change the subject of the first paragraph. The first paragraph seems to be about 2 completely different subjects. You need a sentence prior to this sentence to tel how the dirty jungle is a place where one is likely to become a statistic. That will make it so that the paragraph is "cohesive."

With that in me, I was bound to be different from myself destructive environment.---I don't think you were bound to be "different from," but instead...

With that in me, I was bound to be different from myself sidestep the negative influence of my destructive environment.

In order to make the whole essay cohesive, add a sentence to the end of that first paragraph, a sentence that will inform the reader of your vision of a future in which you make a meaningful difference by creating a socially responsible fashion business. That way, at the end of the essay it will feel "complete" as the reader shares in your vision... and the essay will be all about this single, main idea.

:-)

Undergraduate / Club I founded - UPenn/Wharton Commonapp Essay [4]


I'm surprised none of the teachers would help students making a proactive effort.

Two weeks later, with all but with only me and one classmate David still holding on to the notion of math club, the [anon] High School Math Society was tending toward oblivion, though it had not yet been born.

How can you be good at math and still write such high quality sentences? I thought people were either good at numbers or language, but you seem to be good at both.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Help-is-needed-Essay about Traffic jams- Causes and Solutions [5]

Although there are some causes leading to aggravating traffic congestion, but effective solutions to alleviate the crowd are still being offered on the table.
or
Although There are some causes leading to aggravating traffic congestion, but effective solutions to alleviate the crowd are still being offered on the table.
And this is even better:
Although there are Some circumstances lead to aggravating traffic congestion, but effective solutions to alleviate the crowd are still being offered on the table.

Some options are still on the table. ---- Yes, this is a colloquial expression. It is okay to use it in academic writing.
When an option is no longer possible to use, it has been taken off the table.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay on Surgery and Showering [4]


If you write it this way, it sounds like a mistake. It sounds like you are trying to say, "I have worn a back brace for two years prior to today." I know that is not what you mean, so I suggest something like this:

I had worn a back brace for two years prior to the day I _______________. (add a detail to the sentence).

Again here:
I cried the day I _______ __ __________, because my kung-fu self did not want to accept that I may never be able to shower alone again.

I like the ending a lot! Here is one more sentence you can improve:
Shower or no shower, I was Iron-woman now again. ----You can't say "was...----->now."
:-) I hope you fully recovered! Let me tell you, though, that age makes us all lose our kung fu ability little by little, so you are probably going to always be among the strongest people you know... the injury was part of your mental kung fu training.

Google this: embryonic breathing yang

Undergraduate / "act to prevent tragedies it in the future" - Princeton Essay [6]

Use a comma for a compound sentence:
A senior died two years ago from driving drunk, and the superintendent's son died a month later from in an accident that involved speeding. -----a comma goes before the conjunction.

In the paragraph that involves dating and speeding, I think it might be better to use an objective perspective instead of making it about your personal experiences. If that section was written as observation rather than personal experience it would have more... credibility? I'm not sure if that is the right word.

I also created a website, dontdrivedumb.info, which in conjunction with widespread media coverage will hopefully spark activism in other teenagers to create similar projects in their hometowns.---Awesome. I wish you could mention this in the intro. It would be very impressive if part of the theme of the essay was to promote the website. Very impressive.

Undergraduate / Ice cream essay too childish? Common App 150 Words on Work Experience. [9]

This is a place where "that" is in the way:
I thought that scooping ice cream would be easy. My first week of work proved otherwise. I tipped the mop bucket over (no need for a comma here) and spilled gallons of soapy water on the floor.

And one more little correction for this excellent essay: I ended that summer with a strong scooping arm, worn out sneakers, and knowledge that when life got slippery, I would dance.

Great stuff here...

Undergraduate / Stanford Supplement- Dissections and Intellectual Vitality [4]

To my surprise, I was otherwise...fascinated. -----I like this line, but I want to somehow make "otherwise" fit. It does not seem to need to be there, but it is nice there because of the rhyme.

You could take the sentence off the end, I guess. It is cool to end something abruptly when it is really powerful.

Perhaps it was the intricacy of that engrossed me the most in those few minutes; seeing what vibrant organs laid underneath the familiar blankness of skin transfixed me. The cadaver was not just a pure specimen, but also a piece art. Although some withdraw from the atrocity of a dissection, I cannot help but marvel its inherent need a better adjective) beauty. As I pursue my desires in the medical field, my fingertips await the opportunity to further explore the underlying mysteries of the body.

Undergraduate / "trying to be the best leader" - Rutgers Admissions Essay - Contributing to Diversity [3]

...do not make their voices heard, and simply let each day pass ...

My diversity has benefited my whole grade in that I am a living example of hard work and determination paying off in the long run. -----What do you mean? It benefits everyone in your grade level at your school?

Actually, I don't know how I feel about this use of the word diversity as a word to describe a person. The word itself is kind of a cliche, and it refers to diverse groups... groupd of diverse things. I don't know if it is good to refer to "my diversity."

Okay, I like everything about this, and the accomplishments and activities are impressive. But I challenge you to find a new word to use instead of diversity. Use a word that means the same thing. I am not sure if that is possible, but if it is, you could revolutionize your essay. It is fun to change a word that is the theme of an essay and see the whole thing turn like a kaleidoscope.

Undergraduate / "It Wasn't All About Me" - Common Application Essay #6 [8]

His poverty and homelessness touched me, but his smile touched me even more.
Experiment with different verbs here to see if you can improve the sentence. What other verbs could be used? "Touched me even more" is a little awkward.

This is a great idea for an essay...
But, I do know. some good that a simple smile can do. A simple smile can change a person. I know because Jorge's smile changed me. -- forever. I have learned how good I feel when helping others. But, most important, I have learned that it's not all about me.

(above) I just trimmed away a little. This is looking good!!

Undergraduate / FIT essay for Fashion Merchandising Management [7]


This right here is a lot of fluff... too much fluff for the introduction.

Okay, the first paragraph is all about little kid stuff, and the second paragraph just informs them of your decision to pursue fashion. My purpose here is to tell you this can be more powerful if you go a little deeper into your introspection... for example...

What does fashion have to do with the collective consciousness of humanity?
What significance does fashion have as a cultural characteristic?

Write about the meaningfulness of fashion, and write about your specific goals and intentions.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Leaves to spread the seeds" - Common App Essay [4]

Nicely written. The problem, though, is that it seems like a recycled essay, because it is so good and at the same time not quite right for the prompt. It seems like an essay you feel good about and decided to use for this prompt instead of writing a new one that is about a experience, achievement, risk, etc.

One way to fix it might be to add a sentence to the end of the first paragraph to specify in a certain way exactly what experience this is talking about.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Doughnuts for Dad" - Common Application [3]


This is the only sentence I have read, and I wanted to stop and tell you it was boring. This is a chance to learn a lesson about hypnotizing readers. Do not begin with a wimpy sentence. The first sentence is like the Viking that rushes into battle.

Nor is it the masculine influence of responsibility and commitment. Not even the essential wisdom of changing a flat tire. I don't like this part, because it has a sort of offensive implication.

But the rest of the first paragraph, aside from what I am complaining about, is excellent.

My father's truancy that day was the result of an alcoholic marriage which ended in a sobering divorce.--- This is a great sentence.

My challenge for you is to go back and take out at least 10% of the words. Delete sentences, condense them, explain more efficiently, and do whatever is necessary to cut out 10%. That is refining writing.

Also, I think you should use shorter paragraphs. The material is deep, so readers need time to absorb it.

:-)

Research Papers / Topic for research paper for Anatomy and Physiology class [4]

Yes, that is right. Not too broad. Well, think of it like focusing your binoculars. Just start looking through them, and gradually sharpen the focus.

Just start reading an article that doesn't suck.

That is the way to begin. Read an article that fascinates you, and when you finish reading, write a sentence about what the author said. Use the rest of the paragraph to explain it.

Do that for another article or two, and then ask yourself what theme is emerging. Welcome to essayforum!!

P.S. I suggest reading about the lungs as a starting point.

:-)

Writing Feedback / City or village - what is better? [3]

This style of writing has something special about it. It really carries my attention along.

In my view, it is not only personal preferences, but also people's ages and first concerns that determine their choice of habitation.

I think this might not be a real word: criminogenic

:-)

Wow, impressive conclusion...but put a period at the end!

Undergraduate / "something to make a business better" - Help with UT transfer essay [4]


I don't think this is a good way to start. It is all about mediocrity. Why not be all about some interesting concept? Start out by drawing the reader into a vision you have for the future, something you want to do.

From there, my whole perspective of on things changed.
I think this could be better with fewer words:
From there, my whole perspective of things changed.

ha ha, I really like this sentence: If there were no accountants, the companies finances would run amok.

Okay, here is my challenge for you. Start a new essay, and start it with the last paragraph of this essay as the first para of the new essay.

Write this:
In a business, you have accountants, financial analysts, managers, CEO's, and other jobs. A business utilizes every aspect of each sector to run... and continue until you get to the part where you want to be a part of this. Write an essay about the specific industry you would like to enter and the goals you have as a businessperson. Get very specific with this new essay, which will be all about business.

:-) I hope that is not too much of a challenge!

Undergraduate / "the things that require hard work are the most rewarding" - Personal Statement [4]

Hi Devin, welcome to EssayForum!

Welcome to you, too, Beth. Beth, I am trying to let everyone know it is better if you edit individual sentences instead of pasting the whole essay. That helps us in a few different ways and forces the student to interact with the edit, possible improving her or his grammar. So please paste individual sentences that need corrections.

And thanks for participating!


I think this will be the wrong use of "facet." A facet is an aspect of something, not particularly useful for shaping anything.

BUT you can write about facets of your life. That would be a good use of the word.

Student Talk / International students - where are you applying? [11]

Hi Simbarashe, thanks for participating so much lately! A lot of people are going to benefit in the future from reading threads where you've helped people, like this one I was just looking at "About my flight and hijackers" - Improving on my narrative essay for O levels

Faq, Help / My and EssayForum - A bond... [8]


What tunnel? There is no tunnel, it's all wide open... fields to play in. And when you get to U. of Boulder, don't think of the stuff as work. It is just playstuff for your brain. Process the information, and enjoy the process. Reach your goals! Congratulations

Undergraduate / "Asthma still affects my family and me"- college essay for early decision application [5]

Hi Andrew, I'm sorry I did not get to help in time for the deadline, but I read your whole essay anyway simply for enjoyment. You have a very nice way of writing.

I think medical technology is making a lot of progress that will help you overcome the asthma... keep up wit the research that is being done, and let this adversity be a source of strength. Everyone has something, you know... I have my own weird problems... everyone does. And the people who do not have any medical adversity... well.. a lot of times they are jerks! Ha ha... so.. it is that adversity that makes people strong and sensitive.

:-)

Undergraduate / "I had a tendency to stereotype Americans" Common App Essay 1 [6]

Yes, this is good stuff. However, I want you to CLEARLY specify the experience you are talking about. Clearly specify it in that first paragraph. Make it so that in the first paragraph the reader has no doubt about what experience, achievement, etc. you are talking about.

Also, I want to add something to this sentence:
My friends were not surprised when I decided to pursue a bachelor's degree in international relations and political communication.
Because I ______ _______ ____ _______ __ _______ _______, My friends were not surprised when I decided to pursue a bachelor's degree in international relations and political communication.

That could make it stronger. Fill in the blank!! :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: students can learn outside the textbook and classroom with a real working experiences [3]


This is a great essay, but I just want to mention that you should give a thesis statement in the first paragraph of most essays you write. Do not just tell the reader you will draw a conclusion at the end.

Maybe someone taught you to do it this way, and maybe some people think this way is better, but I want to tell you the way I think it best:

Say it, explain it, and say it again.

In the intro paragraph, tell your conclusion (i.e. the TRUTH you discovered).
In the body of the essay, explain it.
In the end of the essay, say it again in that last paragraph.

:-)