Scholarship / Coffee,the most important commodity in the Cental Highlands; SCHOLARSHIP [11]



Coffee being the most important commercial crop in the Central Highlands of Vietnam and it being traded mostly under the form of raw, Vitenam has failed to earn a better revenue from its coffee plantations. This results in poor income for the coffee growers and instablity in the industry.


I intend to acquire a sound knowledge on techniques that help find most effective methods to apply in cofee harvesting and processing in hope of increasing the quality of exports of green coffee and thereby enhancing the revenues of the farmers.

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay: Work at home Vs work in office [2]


This sentence is too long... When you avoid lengthy statements, you can arrange your flow more effectively;
Some think that this offers more convenient and flexible solutions for working in terms of time and geography. However, others believe that office environments provide the more efficient and enthusiastic work conditions by offering less distraction, more facilities and motivation.


In my opinion, I support the idea of working in an office environment which I believe the best way to have employees concentration on their job.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Technology and traditions are incompatible [4]


In the introduction, your first task should be to introduce the topic to the reader. So, I feel you need to re-phrase this opening sentence a little bit to give ther real effect of your topic;

How the development of technology affects traditions has become a great concern of many people today.


Some people hold a pesimistic view claiming that technology and traditions cannot go hand in hand due to their incompatibility.


.... good sentence :)

Writing Feedback / Raising age limit for driving license would help reduce traffic accidents [3]


... .... I think you have misunderstood the topic. It really does not refer to road traffic as a problem (though it is actually a problem). In my view, traffic accidents refers to the road accidents.



... This is a bit confusing sentence. Better re-phrase!


First, young children lack matuarity and experience in driving.
I hope you prepare yourself for TOEFL or IELTS. If so you need to follow the appropriate essay structure. Generally, I recommend the 4 para structure;

Intorduction- Introduce your topic +state your opinion
1st Body para; 1st reason for your opinion + specific example to support it
2nd Body para; 2nd reason+example
Conclution; summary of the above
Read threads you find in this forum to get an idea about this essay structure!

Writing Feedback / IELTS task2 - job they love or job with high salary [5]

Yes... you need to have minimum 250 words for this task and this essay is slightly below that. However, I suggest you to elaborate more on the points that you already wrote and make up the word count without adding another para with another reason. Why I say this is that these tasks have a great bearing on time and you need to manage that effectively. You can easily expand your paragraphs by giving specific examples for these reasons which would earn more marks for your essay. In this one, you have not provided the reader with specific examples which is an essential feature of this task.

Writing Feedback / Advertisement isn't the main reason which makes comsumers buy products unneccessarily [9]

This is my suggestion;
I too believe that advertisements play a major role in promoting people to purchase goods and services even when they really do not have a need. However, I also feel that advertisements are not always the only reason for this phenomenon. .... Now you can dedicate one paragraph (body para) to give a reason why you think advertisements get people to be tempted and buy things. Also another para to show that advertisements are not always the reason behind this trend. For both reasons, you need to back with specific examples.

In your essay, the second body para does not contain a specific example.

Writing Feedback / What are some ways to study for a test? There are several ways! [4]


The first important way is studying in the right place that provides tranquil disturbance free environment for concentration.


.... I think what you mean here is the right time of the day;
The second way is choosing the right time for studying.


How about the words "mind" and "fresh" ?
.... when the mind is fresh :)
What's the purpose of this writing?

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: eating more vegetables, less junk food and sweet, improve your health [6]


Well.... this sounds a bit irrelevant to your topic... What you need to do in the introduction is that you should introduce your topic and then state your opinion.

This is my suggestion for your introduction;
There is a saying that Health is Wealth and it is very true. However, today many people face serious health issues mainly due to their unhealthy eating habits.



.... here you have issues with punctuation; also I wish if you rephrased this to convey your idea more clearly to the reader.

Writing Feedback / WOMEN ARE THE STRONGER SEX; Persuasive Writing [3]


... YES ...lol :D



I intend to contrast strengths of both men and women.


... a sharp allegation :D
I wish if you have a little more specific examples and then come out with your argument. That would sound more convincing ... Anyway, I hope this essay would not be evaluated by a male :D

Undergraduate / We had a hard life; Cal Summer Experience [7]


... better you re-phrase this to give each idea a more weight;
My parents were not proficient in English and this hindered their chances from getting good jobs. Our financial status too was not stable and we had to live in a very small apartment with very basic conditions. I worked part-time as a waiter to help my family meet ends.


However, this job made me a matured and independent person; I learned the value of money and managed it properly. Though the life challenges didn't leave me alone, my desire for acquiring knowledge in the field of Physics, about which I had always been passionate about, didn't diminish.

Writing Feedback / Uniform? What's the need in it? Does it help our education? No; Persuasive Essay [2]



For example, netted tights, a pretty pink cardigan and even some Doc Martens, well explain our passion for expressing our emotions and personalities through the rigid uniform.


Recent studies by the BBC Education department revealed that the average cost of a secondary school uniform would be around GBP 200.


This is a major disadvantage with uniforms and I believe it is highly unreasonable.
Postitives; uniformity across the students that make their social differences less visible/ may promote them to have their focus more on academic activities
Negatives; Freedom is somewhat challenged/ Cost/ Monotonous / Less creative

Scholarship / High opinion of Singapore's education; Me & my interest in this SCHOLARSHIP [5]


I was born and raised in Viet Nam. After completion of secondary education, my parents decided that studying abroad woud be the best option for me. Taking all the risks into careful consideration, I decided to start with straight two years at GCE Advanced Levels at Wakefield College in England with a scholarship.


.... The sentence I have highlighted is pretty too long and better you re-phrase it

Scholarship / Piano lessons, paint, dance, and sports; SCHOLARSHIP/Supply Management Master's [2]



I think you can combine these two lines;
Growing up, I got interested in learning about value chain activities and soon found my passion in Industrial Engineering and Supply Chain.
However, I think you better present this in a more convincing manner... Talk about some specific case or incident that you were interested... this sounds too general!

Writing Feedback / IELTS task2 - job they love or job with high salary [5]


.... well, "modern society" sounds better :)


.... why do you qualify "graduates" ? Your topic simply talks of all young guys... Stick to your topic and do not deviate, It's important to have a proper alignment with your topic :)


[i]In my opinion, I believe that young people should pay more attention to selecting a job for which they have a passion, rather than choosing a job that pays them well.[/i]


.... very good idea :) nicely presented too :)

Graduate / I graduated in 2007; Msc petroleum engineering [10]


I don't understand why you included this line here.... I think you need not talk about these arrangements in your SOP. Let's talk about your experiences;



After my graduation I joined North Oil Company as a Petroleum Engineer in 2008 and still work for the same company. My main responsibilities include well logging, formation evaluation and taking field measurements. Although I enjoy my job, I now feel the need for advancing my knowledge in the field that would help me better my career prospects as well as better serve my country's economic backbone.

.... at this point,it is better if you can tell what you aim to achieve with these studies; I mean your short term and long term goals. Then how you are going to contribute back to your country and people.... After that you can conclude the SOP with your last line :)

Undergraduate / Nursing/ It has been always a dream; Unique Characteristics/Why UCF? [2]


...best medical care and what are the reasons for such high mortality rates


Diane Sawyer's narrative was instrumental in shaping my young life; I watched the film to its entirety and began to have a lure towards the healthcare industry, especially towards the field of nursing.



... "midwife" is the person who assists women in their confinements.

Faq, Help / Posted my essay in the wrong category - what to do? [6]



.... :D
Yep.... you cannot do anything about that once you make the post. However, it creates additional work for us to put them back in the right forums :( ... However, when your thread in the wrong forum you may get less comments than when they are in the right forums.... So, select the right forum at the time of making your post :)

Writing Feedback / Advertisement isn't the main reason which makes comsumers buy products unneccessarily [9]


Well.... you need to state your opinion very clearly in the introduction. However, it sounds vague the way you have expressed it by saying that the statement can be true. Again you start your body para with this line which is more or less sound like another opinion. I think you better pay a little attention to the desired essay structure. In the introduction, introduce your topic and then state what you think about the argument. Then in the body paras give reasons for your opinion and support them with specific examples.

Writing Feedback / My mom passed away; Sad emotional experience [4]


... I changed punctuation



The next week came and we went out to a beautiful restaurant and enjoyed trying new dishes.


... you don't have to say you left the restaurant after dinner because it is implied.


... you need to pay attention to punctuation!


I was so shocked to learn that


.... I guess this man is your boyfriend

Scholarship / Independant and Driven!;Why am I a good candidate for this scholarship? [4]


... well, what do you mean by this phrase? Is it that you worked with meticulous care for meeting your needs and wants? I think you better be a little more descriptive as to tell them what you did ... It's not very clear :(


Again this is a bit confusing.... I guess this is what you mean;
My parents always made us responsible for reaching our goals by letting us look after most of the costs except for the basic needs such as food, accommodation and clothing.

Writing Feedback / Classes and libraries always deserves much more financial support - two key elements for the quality [3]


Your introduction follows the right structure, but you need to pay attention to grammar and vocabulary. Try to write short sentences because they help you avoid such errors.


.... you don't actually have to state this. Straight away tell how your uni does it...


all the classes have been equipped / every class has been equipped
It seems you follow the right essay structure.... but you need to pay lots of attention to grammar and spelling. grena37 has done great editing for you :)

Graduate / "I woke up with an acute pain in my neck; Public Health-Nutrition(MASTERS)- PS [7]

Alright... let's see how I can help you;


I continued to pull through my not so desired aspirations of nursing until I had myself registered with a course on introductory nutrition and independent research as part of the program. The course featured an inviting curriculum and in no time I found a new passion was blossoming inside me providing me with a new career direction which I longed to have.

Graduate / A perfect fit for me to fulfill my career aspirations -MA Governance/U Queensland(PS) [4]

This is very good advice by SLOOTR.... I think you should pay serious attention to what he suggests. If you include these suggestions into what you've written it would be a great answer.

If you can be a little more descriptive about how you intend to apply the knowledge and skills back in Pakistan scenarios, then it would sound very convincing.

Wish you good luck with this application!

Undergraduate / why do you choose accounting major? (PT Thiess Scolarship) [3]


When I was in high school, the first thing that came to my mind with the word of "Accounting" was how to manage and organize our income and expenses.


.... what is this subject? I've never heard before :(


....because I had the obsession of becoming a doctor. .... I think you should stop here and start another line to talk about economics;
I did not have much knowledge about the subject of economics


However, my efforts were in vain in the chosen major of medicine and I failed many examinations to my dismay. Then my parents suggested me to try out another path; It was choosing economics, which was alien to me at that stage, as my major.

Graduate / I graduated in 2007; Msc petroleum engineering [10]


I have already been awarded a scholarship to pursue a Masters degree in Petroleum Engineering by the Higher Committee for Education Development in Iraq (HCED). My preferred destination obviously is the United States which provides the best opportunities to learn developments of modern technology together with a great learning experience and research facilities.


... I suggest you to replace this line with;
I view this US experience is something that is not confined to providing me with a great learning experience and wider knowledge in my field. It would also generate great networking opportunities for me and provide me with insights to broaden my perspectives that would benefit me both personally and professionally.


This needs improvement... but I prefer if you give a bit more details for me about your experience so that I can re-draft it :)

Undergraduate / Learning beyond the classroom; U Minnesota-Why live in Dorm?/ Experience [2]



[i]Moreover, being someone who loves to explore other cultures I find it is a privilege to live with a roommate who could share many things about his culture with me.[/i]


I am really looking forward to have a French friend, which is obviously possible at University of Minnesota, so that I can also improve my French linguistic skills and learn about French culture that would help me with my studying abroad in France in order to fulfill international experience requirement of the Carlson School.

Writing Feedback / IELTS T- 2 Mixing children from different social back grounds & various abilities [4]




.... Why do you separate this line from the para? It should be included in your first body para.


... This is alright.... but the most important point here is that such an environment would provide them with a better understanding about cultural diversity that promotes respecting different cultures and ethnic groups. This in the long run a very healthy aspect to achieve a peaceful and harmonious society.

Graduate / "Success is simple"; Motivation Letter-Strategic Management(MASTERS) [5]



First, I find Finland is one of the best study destinations for several reasons; Finland has a free education policy, outstanding education system, the scenic beauty of the country and very importantly I have some friends studying and working there.



My excellent grades in several important subjects such as Marketing, Strategic Management, Project Management, Human resource Management, helped me obtain a three months internship at the Research & Development Department of our national airlines, Vietnam Airlines.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Task 2 : Competitive Sports are an important part of school curriculum! [5]

I guess you have an idea about the essay structure for this task because you have already written a 4 para essay that includes introduction,2 body paras and the conclusion. However, I notice that there a few improvements needed;

Introduction; In this essay you introduce the topic to the reader and that is very good. However, you use the same topic theme, almost one to one, in doing so.(i mean your first line) It is highly recommended that you present the same idea in your own words without copying the same thing;

People have different views on including competitive sports in the school curriculum. While some believe they should not have any place, others argue that it is important to have them included.

The rest is fine in the intro :)
Second body para; You provide more than one reason but you fail to provide any specific example. (In your first body para, you have supported your reason with a specific example)

My suggestion for you is to have one reason per para and support it with a specific example :)

Scholarship / I require cutting-edge knowledge in Computer Science; Financial need for SCHOLASHIP [4]


Be a little more specific as to why you think it would make a good future for you.



Yes .... you need to elaborate the need for financial assistance. Talk more about your parent's inability to support you financially. Try to convince them that you have genuine reasons. Add more feelings and emotions when you explain those difficulties. So, in a nutshell, you need to tell them that you deserve to pursue studies ( you have tackled this part with talking about your passion as well as vision) and then the hardships (mainly financial).

Graduate / UNIQUE DESIGNS; Study Plan/ Masters inJewelry Design [2]


... My suggestion;
In the modern global society, the word "Design" has achieved a great significance. Be it a mobile phone, cloth, furniture item, vehicle or jewellery, people pay a great attention to its design.


... hey... this is about having a list of fiance'es? ...lol
My suggestion;
For example, suppose you want to buy an engagement ring for your fiance'e. Then the thing that attracts your attention mostly is its design which often supersedes the money you pay for it.

Writing Feedback / IELTS, Shopping as hobby positive or negative development. Explain with reasons [2]


... Hey.... you are going out of topic at the start itself :(
Your topic is about doing shopping during leisure time and nothing about e-commerce, which is a new trend. For this task it is very important that you read the topic carefully and understand what it says. Here you need to address the fact that people devote their leisure time for shopping which otherwise they can devote for another hobby. You basically have to discuss the positives and negatives of this trend.

Book Reports / LOUIS RIEL: HERO OR VILLAIN ? A traitor [3]


Well... I find each line is too independent form the other. There is no connection or link between them and that disturbs a smooth flow of your essay.


...now it's fine and flows nicely :)


... I think this is a good comment... yes, you better pay attention to this!
[quote=epiphelks] This trial did last over a week /quote]

Writing Feedback / News Editors decide what to broadcast but they can't use their power in an efficient way [4]



....
What are those two types.... you need to specify.


... I think it's better if you introduce the news editors because they suddenly appear in your essay without having any link to your previous sentence which speaks about media. I mean you need to set up a better link.


First, the freedom of providing genuine information and news to the public is seriously constrained by the interests of social and political groups.


It's good to have the topic so that we can align our comments with that. Is this for IELTS or TOEFL?

Writing Feedback / Achilles in the Trojan War; Three character traits of Achilles of MOVIE TROY [7]


... sounds like speech writing.... if this is an essay, you need to re-phrase the latter part.


For most of us, the first thing that pops into our minds about Achilles is his hubris attitude.


assuming that without him the Greeks would surely suffer


On the other hand, Achilles has a soft side too; he gets touched by the ones he cares the most.

Scholarship / Profound interest in Language&Culture; Benjamin Gilman Scholarship -SOP [2]

Didgeridoo has done great editing for you :)


.... You talk about the influence of your culture (section in bold letters) but I feel you better elaborate on it a little more, otherwise it sounds a bit vague. This is my suggestion;

Language and culture are two things that always had a profound influence in my life. Growing up in a Nigerian household, I was exposed to many different facets of its culture and traditions. At home I spoke both Yoruba and English while having myself exposed to ???????(tell us about important features of your culture)

Writing Feedback / "Heal the world"; Many meaning songs make us more proud of our country [2]



In my opinion, whether it is traditional or international, music is very important because it brings many benefits to our lives.


... what do you mean by "sunrise of humankind"?


.... "relieve" is a better key word to use here as it is very much associated with stress.


.... Hey... this is essay is not about drinking ;)

Graduate / Insight of sustainable design in architecture; NUS- MSc/Importance of SUSTAINABILITY [2]


... I feel the later part doesn't add much value for this essay.


Therefore, my research work was focused more on sustainable designs for subtropical climate.





.... no full stop
I found some spelling mistakes.... better do another thorough check :)
Wish you good luck with this application!

Writing Feedback / Cheap Air travel gives ordinary people a chance, but adds to environmental problems [2]




.... good point


...I fear that "empower" is not the most appropriate key word there. Empowerment deals with some sort of authority. Here it is not something like that. I guess "giving them an opportunity" is a better phrase there.

Overall, a very good essasy... good ideas, excellent vocabulary and sentences :)
Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; I would purchase a house instead of a business if I have enough money! [2]


In this task, they expect you to introduce your topic in the introduction. So, don't answer to the prompt directly. Instead, introduce it to the reader;

If you have enough money for an investment, investing it on a house or a business is a wise decision. However, what is to choose between them is a tricky choice. In my case, I would rather prefer to buy a house than purchasing a business for several reasons;

Now you can go to body paras to explain the reasons.


.... buying a house is also an investment... better re-phrase!