Essays / Starting a compare and contrast essay on mom and dads / movie [6]

Hi there, you just need help knowing how to focus the paragraphs.

First, Google this: how to write topic sentences

Learn about topic sentences, and you will see that one paragraph = one idea... the first sentence of a paragraph expresses one idea, and the rest of the paragraph is used to explain it.

So, in paragraph #2 write all about moms.
In para #3 write all about dads.
Then, go back and write paragraph #1, and let it be based on whatever observations you made in the other paragraphs!!

I hope that helps you get started.
Begin with a sentence about dads. :-) Then use the rest of the paragraph to explain what you mean. An essay is a collage of meaning.

Undergraduate / UTAustin: Undergraduate Transfer SOP Essay-Technical Theatre major [18]


Well... note that some excellent writers, like Hemingway, Stephen King, and Ursula LeGuin (some of my favorites) all have simple, sometimes playful styles of writing... And not very flowery.

In real life or in writing, I am able to be flowery, but it makes a bad impression!

Flowery words = bad
sophisticated sentence structure = good

So... I guess I am of the opinion that big words should only be used when their meaning does an excellent job of conveying the specific idea you want to convey.

About stinging criticism: do not take it too seriously. It is the method used in courts, where attorneys argue opposing views in order to dig out the truth. If I tell you a thesis is weak, argue against what I say, and you'll get to the truth. But... don't let my critique discourage you!

Undergraduate / UC app: describe the world you come from "Dr. Grandma" [3]

This is great! I have a good idea, though. Add a sentence to the end of every paragraph except for the 2nd one.

To the other paragraphs, add a sentence on the end that gives your reflection on the significance of what you have told in the paragraph.

Really enjoy doing this reflection on the world you come from! When you add these 3 sentences, let them reflect the life lessons and the ways this world you come from influences your ideas about what your career will be.

Undergraduate / "My life story and experiences" FSU essay - Vires, Artes, Mores response essay [4]

Efficiency:
Every person has different qualities and attributes and just like how every book has a different story, and every person has a different story, too.

Some people are smart, others are athletic. let's get to the point.

For me I am not trying to say that I am overqualified for your school or I can make your school a hundred times better than it already is. ---I would hope you are not saying that! :-)

I may not be the most brightest student or the most stockiest player on any sports team but I have experiences, abilities, and quirks that make up for my lack of extreme intelligence and athletic ability.----- never say "most" before a word that ends in "est"

My physical strength, which includes basketball, running, and bike riding, is somewhat impressive despite being lower body strength --- this is not important enough to write!

Use paragraphs.

Hey, the thing is, they make you write all about these 3 virtues, and it makes you have to write in a RESPONSIVE way instead of in a CREATIVE way. I want you to choose one virtue and focus on it, and write an essay about ONE BIG IDEA. Do not include sentences about other ideas. Do not just try to cover everything you can think of... but instead express one powerful message or theme.

:-) good luck with this!!! At the end of the essay, it gets very good when you talk about music and culture... I hope you have enough time to revise and highlight those ideas, and take out the unhelpful details, like names of movies.

Undergraduate / Influenced by strong family traditions-UCF Undergraduate Essay [6]

Capitalize Internet.

Don't write "kids today," because it is an overused phrase.

I think this should be the last sentence of the first paragraph:
I chose to spend the majority of my time outside barefoot, tagging along behind my brothers and their friends. At times, our age differences seemed like my handicap, making me slower and weaker. Then, my first love came along...the bicycle.

(So, what I mean is that I think you should include that sentence in the first para, and do a paragraph break after "the bicycle.")

:-)

Essays / Writing a monologue to a teacher - ideas for 12th grade [6]

Cool advice, Chiang!

Hi Ernestas, don't let anyone ever tell you that a monomogue has to be written in a particular way. It is just talking (or writing).

Also, I will not use simple words when I post to your threads, because as a bilingual person you have very sophisticated linguistic abilities! I see that you write well already in English.

So... anyway, I suggest this:

1.) Memorize at least 8 lines from a Shakespearean monologue, and that will give you inspiration and confidence.
2.) google this: how to write a speech.
(it really is a speech that you are giving, and the only difference is that a monologue is a speech you give to YOURSELF . Ha ha, a lot of characters in Shakesperean plays talk to themselves.)

3.) Make sure that you write a speech/monologue that reveals key pieces of information. That is important because a monomogue is usually EXPOSITORY.

(Google any words you do not know.)

:-) good luck with this project!

Letters / UK CV format - personal profile, delayed graduation, strange background [3]


You and half the other people I know... lots of people are having trouble lately that way..


This means very little. Would this get your attention as an interviewer, or would it just appear as the same sort of general stuff you see on every resume and application?

If you were reading this, you would skip right past this sentence and skim until you got to a sentence that really informed you of something you might use to take a guess about the candidate.

I have juggled university with a diverse range of volunteer and leadership roles in settings that include _______, ________, and __________ where I built teams as well as external relations both locally and abroad. ---- those blanks to fill in are places where you can give the reader some solid info.

Here is some excellent, solid info:
Six languages allow me to reach out...---- very impressive, solid information.
Fix it this way:
Proficiency in six languages enables me to reach...

So... fill this with more specific, solid info, and take out the general, fluffy things like "resilient, versatile," etc. Those words mean very little.

Anyway, despite the fact I'm giving this suggestion, the truth is that your presentation is impressive and that jobs are just hard to get sometimes!! Don't lose your high spirits! Try being a freelancer part time

elance.com

Undergraduate / Communications major - UCLA Transfer Prompt #1 [5]


Okay, so what, specifically do you want to do? What are your top five goals? This is a broad focus, so I think you can probably envision yourself doing lots of great things in the field, and perhaps contributing to relevant research.

I like your way of writing! I see that your enthusiasm is with communication itself as a meaningful phenomenon, but maybe you have not spent enough time seriously imagining the work you might do in the coming years. Get specific!

Undergraduate / Princeton Essay- Princeton in the Nation's Service/Human Rights [4]

Let's simplify:
When my dad had asked me that this morning on the way to my interview for the New Jersey Scholar's Program...

But now on the way back home, as my dad posed the same question, I shook my head silently. "No."--- See, I also added " "marks around "No"

And we had discussed them without passion, without sympathy, without true understanding of the plight many people were suffering across the globe.--- You are a great writer!

Hyphen
thirty-minute

Writing Feedback / The process of researching and writing an essay [3]

I don't like the first sentence, because examinations are PART of life. Can you try a different intro sentence? Also, expand it into a complete first paragraph.

Firstly, the writer reads about the topic and understands narrowly so that questions can be answered. ---- I changed this to the "active voice."

Then, all of necessarily information is used, and the author is cited in order to avoid plagiarism. In the next stage, an outline is made so that...

In the following stage, the essay is edited carefully for the purpose of checking the for mistakes.

Put a period at the end of this: Finally, the writing is typed and handed to the teacher by due date

:-)

Undergraduate / "I will get back up with a bright smile"-UC essay [4]

comma:
... said to me, "Your job is to make ...

I reminisce and reflect back on this experience, and I realize there will come times where I will fall. But, like I was taught, I will get back up with a bright smile pierced (you need a different word; pierced seems wrong!) on my face, radiantly glowing.

:-) Great job, you showed how this struggle made you confident enough to persevere in your other endeavors. It would be nice if you mentioned a few of your interests for the upcoming years as you pursue mastery in your professional field -- so that the reader can see where discipline from ballet will be useful when you are a professional.

Undergraduate / "World of innocence gone to a world of evil"- Describe the World You Come From [6]

Combine these to avoid a sentence fragment:
world of innocence where death was unheard of.
same thing here:
She loved helping people, even the people she didn't know.

Let's eliminate the excess and pull this together as one paragraph:
...world of innocence where death was unheard of. Hi my name is Britney Prince. I was born in San Diego, California. Growing up, the one person who had the biggest influence on me One important part of my perfect world was my Auntie Ann.

:-)

Undergraduate / The Jesuit Catholic Mission - personal essay for university of san francisco. [2]

Capitalize Catholic.

Hey, I think you have a lot of unimportant sentences near the beginning. I think it gets important here:
"What I hope to accomplish at USF is to shape the world whether it is locally or internationally, by nourishing others to do the same. Lead and others will follow. By taking the first step others will surely follow by example regardless if it is right or wrong. With the intention of doing good; others will definitely follow. USF's mission has already been part of my goals."--- This stuff is great, and it is specific, future-oriented, able to inspire a reader.

But look at the sentences at the beginning of the essay. They get it off to s slow start. See which sentences you can eliminate without messing up the meaning of the essay.

Here is another part where I think you have sentences that repeat the same ideas too much:
Growing up I have always helped my parents in anything they asked me to do. I followed obediently because they were my parents but not just that, it gave me the satisfaction in assisting my parents.

Many teenagers do not realize that community service is not only good for your graduation requirements but the chance to change and shape those around you, including yourself. That is why I volunteered at Camp Campbell for a week This part in bold seems like the best stuff.

But you have a great mastery of language, which makes you write too many sentences. So.. when you revise, cut a few of the players from the team! :-)

Undergraduate / "Burglary" - Common App Essay: Significant Experience [3]


This does not make sense! I don't understand.

As a cashier, I get paid to interact with people, which seems like a pretty sweet deal. ---This sentence is great!

Sure, it might be repetitive, (the words "Corn or flour tortillas?" come out of my mouth more times than I could ever count during a shift), but anything that exercises my vocal cords that much is fine by me. ---Okay, but after this sentence, before ending the paragraph, add a sentence that shows the reader how all this relates to the situation from the intro paragraph, paralyzed on the carpet.


Awesome! Great job with this...

The verb tense here is mixed up:
I had been tested, and I felt like I could handle what life throws at me. I had been tested, and I gained a sense that I can handle what life throws at me.

okay, actually, I take that back. Your way was okay!! :-)

Undergraduate / "My Interest, its evolution, and its future" - 500-Words Limited Essay [8]

Well, answer that last question by developing your ideas about what you will do in the next 5 years. This is all about envisioning the future. Keep looking into your own future and list the concerns you find, the things you need to do in order to achieve your goals, and then think of this school as a great set of resources for achieving your goals.

If you have an impressive number of goals, you should be able to think of an impressive number of ways that you'll utilize the academic programs and resources in the College of Arts and Sciences.

:-)

Undergraduate / (volunteering at the library) - Common App - Activities Essay [9]


I disagree! Well, its true that they are not necessary, but they are COOL! As I step into my local library, I am greeted by a sea of eager children. --- excellent.

I would change it to chatter: Their excited chatter fills the air, and their shining faces put a smile on my own.

This part needs a trim:
reminds me day and day again just why it is I love to volunteer. ...reminds me day after day just why I love to volunteer.

Great job! The clever first two sentences make the reader interested. Sorry to be argumentative, Melissa! :-)

Undergraduate / UMich supplement essay-Chinese<>English, bridge between two cultures [4]

This is perfect. Hah ha, I cannot find a single sentence that I think you should change. From the "hook" at the beginning to the contrast you provide in your examples of cultures... and that great sentence about not knowing which culture to choose, it is all great!

So... really, I think you should submit it.

Undergraduate / graphic design + field hockey - UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS two essays [3]

comma:
Graphic design has given me a way to express myself in other ways than words, and I cannot imagine expressing myself as effectively any other way.

plural: my parents ' firm or taking design courses outside of school.

The second essay has a lot of unnecessary details, and it seems kind of superficial. I like the first essay a lot.

For the second one, can you take out some details and express the situation in two sentences only?
After that, dive deep into the issue by going further into your reflection... not on events, but on what you can observe about human nature, what it makes you want to do, how it relates to your professional field (or subjects of intellectual interest)... and so on.

You have 300 words for that second essay, so express these ideas in 2 concise sentences, and spend the rest of the essay exploring the significance.

***An essay of 300 words will often be about 3 paragraphs (with 4 or 5 sentences in each paragraph).

Undergraduate / Personal struggle with epilepsy - Feedback [4]

My dad had made me and my sister egg omelets, just like many Saturdays before; cleaning my plate was the last thing I remember.

However, I am more than willing if it keeps me from having seizures. I could not be more thankful for those eight pills a day.--- Ha ha, I like this sentence, and you have a great way of writing. This essay has real value, because it gives us insight into what it is like to learn that you have epilepsy. You enriched my understanding!

I think you should divide this into 3 paragraphs, and end the first and last paragraph with sentences about the "moral of the story," the underlying principle or truth that can be learned from this experience. This is especially important if you can make a connection between the essay's subject and your chosen professional field.

Writing Feedback / Responce towards Iron Dice by John G. Stoessinger (Essay about cause of WW1) [2]


Okay, then I expect to see those factors explained as such in the essay... I'll keep reading...

Although they had a great deal of power, they were still influenced by what the citizens and what other government officials thought about the war.

I'll add a semi-colons so that it is not a run on sentence:
All of these countries had good motives for a war; therefore, it is illogical to place the blame just upon the leaders of those countries, rather than analyzing the circumstances that made the countries want to wage war.

Okay, somewhere in the essay you should acknowledge what he actually means: that it could have gone a very different way if a few individuals had made different decisions -- that the few decided the fates of many. YOU have argued that many contextual factors were influential, but you have not really shown that the leaders did not have the ability to make a crucial decision.

Maybe you just need to tweak your thesis to acknowledge the part of his argument that you accept.

The essay can only support the argument you are making if you talk about the mechanisms of government, the kinds of authority enjoyed by each leader involved in what was to become the war. Well, no you really don't! You just have to acknowledge the part of what Stoessinger is saying that is reasonable to prove that you did not miss his point!

I am afraid I am not making sense.
:-)

Undergraduate / "About My uncle and how he achieved his status" -Common Appp Essay Negative Influence [7]

Number agreement:
Although those sly techniques weren't used towards me, I've witnessed enough to learn about their harmful consequences.

As my family supported him through his new journey, my uncle attempted to discourage him and persuade h im to quit.

Although these happenings have been ill-fated, I thank my uncle for displaying the image I for one never want to see in the mirror. ----hahah!!! You are a good writer.

I decided to choose a negative influence I had and to make into something postive.---- I think you should mention this in the essay, a profound idea. :-)

Undergraduate / FSU -marching band epitome of Mores and Artes [3]

I agree about not repeating what they mean:
Just like the Greek word Mores, which signifies character and tradition, I found/formed traditions and relationships through all the people I met during the course of the activity.

And it is better to do it this way:
I experience what is referred to as Mores when I found traditions...

Revise this Topic Sentence so that it includes the word "embody"
The first day of band camp was my first encounter of the traditions that I would take part in during my years in marching band. ------- (i.e. I began to embody Mores on the first day of band camp, when I had my first encounter with the traditions that I would take part in during my years in marching band.

If you do that, then you'll have a Topic Sentence that supports the main idea of the essay.

Do that with this sentence, too:
Along with creating new traditions and friends, marching band has taught me the importance of doing my best in everything that I do.(try to incorporate the word Mores if you can.)

See what I mean about how to have topic sentences that support that main idea?

Graduate / Statement of Purpose guidance on Business Law Needed! [3]

Hi Samson,

You can see a lot of examples online if you google around. Examples provide the best guidance. You can look for what many examples have in common, and it will enable you to deeply understand:

This is about your purpose, your plan.

Even if you are not sure how to write something like this correctly, you ARE able to dig deep and write about your plan for the next 5 years. Even if you are not sure about every detail, envision a possibility.

The most important thing is to give expression to your Way, your decision about which route to go. That's your "statement of purpose."

***I would also encourage you to demonstrate that you have already been reading articles about current events in business law.

Undergraduate / (the next leader in computer engineering) - UF "A meaningful event in your life" [3]


Capitalize the s!!

I wasn't able to see him again when I came back from Virigina; my family and I lost contact with him.

You have a very clear way of writing, but it needs some structure to hold it together. Try to make the first sentence of every paragraph be about an idea that supports the main idea of the essay. Add a sentence to the first paragraph to help make sure the reader knows what the main idea is. If you do that, I think the essay will be stronger.

:-)

Writing Feedback / There is nothing that an uneducated person can teach an educated person [6]

Even though many people might think that we learn only from educated people, from my point of view we can learn a lot from an uneducated person.--- good sentence! I only removed a comma.

Another very good sentence: When he talks about his past and experiences that he had, he gives me many suggestions in how to have a better life. I always use his experiences in my life to prosper and be considered a successful person.

... did not have the chance to become educated.

Their ways of living are healthy, and they take in to account many ...

In conclusion, we live in a modern world in which most people become educated.

Nice job, you do not have many mistakes! In the Tao Te Ching it says "Much knowledge means little wisdom."

Undergraduate / The older generations cannot pursue the new technologies -Extracurricular activity [6]

This activity not only makes me practice my teaching skills, but also instills in me a belief that these young generations will not experience the same problems with the upcoming technologies as the older generations do.

Oh... finally, at the end I understand your point. I think you should add a sentence near the beginning... something like:
The older generations cannot pursue the new technologies. This issue has always been circling in my head. The reason senior citizens often have difficulty learning about technology is that technology was not taught when they were going to school. That is why I think teaching is important. Since technologies....

That will make it easier to understand.

:-)

Scholarship / how much of words is appropriate for scholarship essay? [7]


That sounds like a very good idea. I would say 700 and scale down to 500, because it is hard to get rid of 300 words...

Hey, the most important thing is to provide the reader with an experience. This is what I say all the time to people. Remember your purpose. Make sure you know your purpose. The purpose is to make the reader feel surprised about the details and interestingness of your plan.

And your plan is as unique as you are, as cheesy as that sounds. It is a particular perspective on a particular industry, and it has all your personal characteristics. So... show them what you have in mind.

Graduate / "the Dance team talents" - Major obstacles faced in life and how you overcame them [5]

This is a place to use "had"

He had auditioned along with me ...

...my clients from the United States arrived here in India and we had a huge bash at a beach resort.

My company called for auditions for m usic, acting, and many other shows types of entertainment.

commas:
I auditioned again, and this time I was selected, and I had the opportunity to collaborate with a professional band and sing and play my guitar before a crowd of 700-800 people.

Excellent! I love the way this essay builds tension and then gives resolution. Hey, it does not matter what other people choose; you can create your music and record it, and it will be around forever. Get audacity! I am glad you got that experience of playing in front of a large audience.

:-)

Undergraduate / "A Mug of Bliss" - Yale supplement essay help, should I submit this? [9]

Opportunities to cut out excess:
...the soothing feel of the warm ceramic penetrates through my sweater and calms my rapidly beating heart.


Nice! Wow, this one is really nice to read.

I hope you check out

essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/ --- EssayForum Contributor Page

I'm going to link them to this essay.

Undergraduate / "major as mechanical engineering" - Cornell Transfer essay: 500 words to 700 words [7]

Yes, the essay is powerful and persuasive because of the sincerity -- feeling like you were in your brother's shadow... I think you will win the reader's heart.

But win the mind as well by doing this:

Fill the last paragraph with sentences about recent research findings and work accomplished by mechanical engineers... your favorite aspects of the field, the stuff you would read about for enjoyment. Fill that last paragraph with discussion of your favorite topics and your plans to pursue them.

Undergraduate / "my homeland of Afghanistan were denied any access" -page 87 of your autobiography [5]

That might be a strong detail to include:

...and started to enjoy the real life (by "real life" I mean life with challenges and to face all the ups and downs alone).

I like the way you think!

Writing Feedback / Narrative essay about how was my feeling about getting money. [3]

Namrata, thanks for the time you invested here... great advice. I agree that Sim's attempt is not bad. It's a great story!

Here is what I want to contribute to make it easier to write a narrative essay or any essay:

Just use topic sentences! Google this: how to write topic sentence

Here is my way of explaining how to write with good topic sentences:

Use a paragraph to explain its first sentence. The first sentence of a paragraph gives a single idea, and then the other statements you make and examples, quotes, etc. help to explain what you mean in that first sentence. If every paragraph began with a topic sentence, the essay would have good structure. That is what it means to begin a paragraph with a topic sentence that use the rest of the paragraph to explain that sentence.

(The paragraph above is an example of a paragraph that begins with a topic sentence.)

Undergraduate / "the Viet Cong soldiers" - stanford- intellectually engaging... help on editing! [3]

Past verb tense:
closed
rummaged

Soon, a huge meaty hand reached out of the darkness and swiftly lifted me out from below. Blinking at the incandescent light, I looked up to the man who had brought the end to my misery. ---- excellent!!! Very good writing

I was never able to ascertain how long I had been underground.


I really like this sentence, but in order to keep the tense consistent with the rest of the essay, make it past tense:
I opened my eyes and there I was.

:-)

Undergraduate / Physician Assistant Personal Statement- why I need to be a PA- career change [2]


This first sentence raises questions in my mind. A sales representative always has an agenda (i.e. to make sales) so it seems disingenuous to say the reason you became a sales rep is to help people. I am not saying it IS disingenuous... I am just saying that it makes that impression as the first sentence of the letter.


Oh... see, here is some evidence to show I was wrong... if you promote excellent products, then being a sales rep is aligned with helping people.

number agreement:
I often meet patients at their homes...

This part is confusing:
The role of physician assistant melds many aspects of my previous experiences. They are educators, problem solvers, excellent communicators, and I am adept and practiced in these roles.

I'll make a small change:
The role of physician assistant melds many roles I have previously played. They include the roles of educator, problem solver, and excellent communicator, and I am adept and practiced in these roles.

:-) good luck with your endeavor!

Research Papers / "Math education in the U.S. is in a crisis" - need counter arguments and good sources [4]


What counterargument would you make if you wanted to oppose the idea?

It seems like this is not an "arguable thesis." Do you know what that means? In order for a project to be meaningful it must argue a thesis that not everyone would agree with. Everyone agrees that ed reform is necessary, and if we see countries getting better student outcomes in math then we should learn from their example.

So... no one would argue against this. However, if you propose specific reforms, specific curriculum changes, then some people will argue against it. Some people will say, no, let's not use the techniques from Japan, but instead this new technique developed by Such and Such.

So... you need to focus on particular instructional strategies or policy changes... SPECIFICS. and then you will have people who disagree with you. And maybe they will prove to be right! So... get specific, and enjoy the discourse.

:-)

Undergraduate / Better to Tell the Truth than to Lie + My Parents and Art: UC Essays [5]


More words than necessary.
I turned on my computer and started breathing deeply, trying to relax myself while I imagining what I should create.

Be careful about the verb tenses:

Before adding the finishing touch, I waited for the next day so I can could ask my art teacher for her opinion.

also here
...and so, I shut my eyes, ready to hear what she would say.

... I just kept working on it. I wasn't trying to make it to flashy, nor too plain, but a casual and catchy look. I asked many people for

Wanted us to have a better education so we could get into ...
So the biggest problem is the past tense for verbs. Practice writing in the past tense form for each verb. Conjugating verbs is the hardest part of any language, I guess.

I love challenging myself when it comes to art, hoping I can improve. You already said this, so maybe you should say something different now.

Oh... I like a lot of the ideas you give, especially about the significance of photoshop for developing your art and also about your parents' gift to you. What is the most important message of the essay... the one you want the reader to remember?

Scholarship / "my passion in biochemistry" - Scholarship for Science Majors [3]


I don't understand this part! But maybe it is just because you are smarter than me. However, in case the sentence could be worded more clearly I wanted to mention that.

I can't quite tell by looking at the way the essay appears here, but I assume this is the end of the intro paragraph? ---> of wires and circuits until it reaches its final destination in the computer. To some people, this may seem like something out of a science fiction movie. For me, it's something that has become my passion and what I look forward to working with everyday.

(end of paragraph?)
I kind of think you could write the last sentence (above) in a better way -- better than "what I look forward to working with every day."

Every day is 2 words, by the way, unless you are using it as an adjective to describe a noun.

But do you know what I mean about revising that last sentence of paragraph one? It can be any sentence you want, and it should be a powerful one that leaves a lasting impression on the reader.

"My passion" is a cliche, and "something I look forward to working with" is a weak phrase...
:-)

Undergraduate / Commonapp Essay: How my mom has influenced me [3]

Your intro is nice, and it is interesting, but consider an alternative:
I'm sure that this is not the most surprising or unique response, but when thinking of the person who has had the most significant influence on me, the name comes quickly My mom hasn't had a significant influence on me simply because she raised me, but more importantly because of the circumstances she under which she did it and the lessons s he taught me along the way.

That way, you can add a sentence of explanation and also a great thesis statement to the end of that paragraph... a sentence that expresses the main idea of the essay in a powerful way.

Undergraduate / "Changes I would make if I had a second chance" - Purdue Prompt [3]

My friends convinced me to run on our school's cross country team instead of running on my own.---- I think it will be clearer if yoiu specify cross country or track, if that is what you mean...

Okay, I had to stare at this for a long time before I figured out what I think the area-for-improvement is. It is at the end of the first paragraph. You leave me thinking, "Okay, so what is the point of telling us that you neglected the important things?" So I want to see if you can add a thesis statement to the end of that para, one that intrigues the reader by telling the moral of the story, the lesson to be learned:

...watching television instead of embracing the experiences that would later define me. (Add a sentence that hints about what this essay will amount to).
Para #2
During my junior year...

In answer to the questions:
Any length between this length and about 500 words will be great. Don't make it too much longer.
In order to make it not-longwinded, you have to know your purpose. This is true in every essay, research paper, argument, interview,... everything. Know what you are trying to achieve. I think you are trying to write something that will make the reader feel inspired because of the enthusiasm and seriousness your writing reflects. So stay specific, and include only sentence that help achieve your purpose.

About being off topic: it depends on your purpose. Any content can be right or wrong, depending on what you are trying to achieve. But the focus of the essay is up to you. Right now you have a theme of retrospection and noticing what was important... it is cool, because it shows that you know what is important now.

No need to expound it year by year. Just expound it int he way that most strongly affects the reader.


Not necessarily more detail about the... details of the experience, but maybe more detail about the plans you have made for the future based on what you learned.

Undergraduate / "Paintball and Life Changing Experience" UF application essay [3]


Awesome... this essay makes me want to try paintball...

Only paintball lets you harness your fears, and turn them into strength. The day that I started playing paintball was the beginning of the rest of my life. Nope!! You can think of a better way to end this sentence! :-)

If you charge without planning or any thinking, you will surely die a fool's death.-- you have a great style of writing, and I'm impressed by the way you convey your enthusiasm about paintball.

One more suggestion:
In life, as in paintball, a tactical strategy is required for success.
Or
Life, like paintball, requires...