Undergraduate / "The process of tutoring Jennifer" - Tell us about a personal quality, experience.. [4]

...seems to be appreciative of them.

We never seem to look at those who help others in not a big way in small ways, like helping with homework, but when we all decide to see or observe those little things it makes a difference to the person who has given you a hand in solving a challenging problem.

Be careful of the verb tense:
It had only been a few months since I had become a tutor, when a girl walked in and took a math book to do her homework.

She raised up her hand and I decided to go and help her.
Look for places in the essay where you used a present tense verb instead of past tense. Make sure you stay consistent with the past tense as you tell the story.

This inspired and motivated me to do more for others who are having a hard time to solve a complicated problem. --- excellent!!

Undergraduate / Matching a closing sentence with hook (academic interests and/or professional goals) [4]

I hope the writing of that ending went well. It helps to choose a term or phrase from the intro and repeat it in that line at the end. It sounds like that is what you have in mind, anyway.

It is good to be thinking the way you are thinking -- that even though it is common for people of your ethnicity to be in that profession, you are not a "dime a dozen." That is, you are not something that is "common."

Undergraduate / "Moving to Florida adventure" - UCF Admission Essay- "Bump in the road" [4]

I played a plethora of sports and had many friends, some of whom ...

Verb tense:
couldn't wait to wake up the next morning to go on whatever adventure got thrown at me.

I was moving to Florida.---It would be good if you said something about the significance of the move in this sentence instead of just saying you were moving. This sentence can be the thesis sentence that expresses the main message or theme of the essay.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Many family challenges" - FSU Essay (Vires, Artes, Mores) [4]


This complex statement deserves some sentences of explanation. I think it would help to add some sentences to the BEGINNING of that first paragraph so that this sentence appears in the middle or at the end. It is a lot of information in one sentence. I know you explain it throughout the essay, but the intro paragraph should probably be better developed with a few more sentences.

Same thing at the end. The intro and conclusion should be fully expressed.

My grandmother was diagnosed with Depression and a few months later before school ended my grandfather unexpectedly died of a heart attack. ----ah, terrible. That must be a difficult time for the family.

This was a period in my life where when...

Writing Feedback / Is the dependence on computers a good thing? [4]

...account on the Internet and send. What a simple and convenient way! But it will make them tired if they must walk on a long way.

In the future, computers will be improved more to serve many different purposes of humanity .

People will continue to use them in communication, studying, finding information, entertaining, etc, and use new functions of future computers.

:-)

Undergraduate / A beautiful campus, engineering and Co-op program - Why Northwestern College Essay [4]

Who was a Kellogg Management Institute student at the time? That part is confusing...

Well, that whole first para is all poetically describing the campus... I think you should revise so that this is focused on the purpose you want to achieve with each reader. I don't think it matters what you did in the third grade. What will impress them now is if you have already read a lot of articles about the aspects of engineering that interest you.

I like a lot of the content about your experiences; it is good, though, if you cut out some of the sentences that don't make helpful points. For example, this is not helpful:

Not only is Northwestern a great place to go to college, but I believe that I can be a great student at Northwestern. Replace this with a sentence that says some specific things, or just cut it so that you have more % of your essay taken up with meaningful sentences.

You are doing well! Just trim away the excess.

Undergraduate / The Courageous Keys - Princeton Supplement [3]


This is probably not the best way to show the time passing.
Just omit that parenthetical note, and start with that invitation:
"Yes, John, there is a concert at TAC college tomorrow. Would you like to come?" Now in the...--- That is very good on its own.

End that first paragraph sometime and make it into 2 paragraphs! That is important, because you have a lot of ideas packed into a single paragraph here!

I think you need to add s to pluralize these nouns:
But, to my surprise, the pianists who classified themselves into the intermediate category weren't as spectacular as the beginners.

:-)

Essays / How to write a good essay? Give me some pointers (imaginery, phrases) [7]

This is a great thread.

Yeah, the helpful thing to do is just grope around in your own mind and see what you find. Pull out a word, like "rubbery" and see what experience you have when you look at it typed on your screen.

Pull out the word "blood" and see what experience you have. Speculate about the experience others will have. Write a sentence about something with rubbery blood.

Just play, and you will get comfortable.

For now, here is a rule to follow:
Start each paragraph with a sentence that tells the paragraph's main idea (i.e. the topic sentence). Then give sentences of explanation and example.

Undergraduate / What I dont know - Being a student. [4]

The Pomp and Circumstances March play in the background. I sit idly beside the computer screen. I hear the marching footsteps, the rising ... this is nothing, because, surprisingly, in order for me to get in, I have to show them what I don't know.

Okay, this thing you did here is something I recognize. You intuited the trick of writing "from where you are." You need to get into the moment to write well, and I see that you picked up the pen and started the ball rolling from where you were.

But now that the essay is writtem, shave off that intro paragraph and paste it into a document where you keep a journal for yourself. It was a trick you used to get yourself inspired, but when that happens you usually need to remove it later.

Start here:
Just sitting here, I can think of at least...

Okay, and now I take back everything I said. In general, when you start writing from right were you sit in the room, you will end up switching to the actual subject that needs to be written about, but in this case you kept your current situation as your theme. You did a great job with it. This is written in a way that is so impressive that I would not want to see you change it much. Yet, I know that if I was writing this essay I would focus on my intellectual interests -- specific intellectual interests.

You demonstrate good writing, but can you also demonstrate serious intellectual interests (i.e. courses of study)...

Undergraduate / "My Machiavellican Dilemma"-Common App Option #2 [5]

I'm pretty sure Susan was just saying that as feedback, not necessarily as a suggestion that you should write that. I think she was telling you she would not have gotten along with them, but not that you should write that.

Oh... I see the most important point... you should quote him like susan said. If you say, "Could he be right?" then we need to see a quote.

:-)

Undergraduate / "What it took to get me from there to here" Common app essay [7]

Hey, this thread has some great advice! I think both of you are too hard on yourselves! :-) Ryan, I totally agree that this essay needs a different focus. I want to scrap all of this:

My mom never got to see me graduate. I knew my grades were not good enough to land me into a respectable college so ... recognize my potential. I finally realized that community college was the only option. --- no need to make it negative. Every educator knows that American schools are lagging behind, failing the students. It is normal to have found inspiration in places other than school. Focus on your PLAN and do not turn the essay all cliche and negative by spilling your guts about a lack of focus as a kid. This is now, and you are enrolling in their school.

Focus on the work experience, the interests you have developed, and what you think you can do to make your life meaningful. Tell them your tentative plan.

Undergraduate / "don't panic but strive" - Risk you have taken and its impact - Common App Prompt [5]

Add a comma:
He played a more mature and experienced game than I did, and I constantly found myself making novice mistakes as I became increasingly rattled by the pressure.

Wow, you know, sometimes you can also have a bad game if you are playing a less skillful player. It can take away your skill when someone is playing in a totally amateurish way, and you can get taken off guard!

I did what I couldn't do as a child; I took a chance using lessons I learned from a previous mistake and followed through with it. --- this is very good..

comma: much higher rated than I, but on

I need to see a sentence that tells what the move was and how the game ended! Ah! I can't believe you left me wondering. You did a great job of conveying this idea that you won because of a mistake experience taught you how to avoid. What happened? Did you have to sacrifice a piece?

Undergraduate / "working class America" -what part of this admission essay should I cut out / edit? [4]

You can make the writing better with fewer modifiers:
I don't enjoy the ridicule of customers, nor do I appreciate the demand of conforming to corporate standards.
Keep some modifiers, but look at places where you can actually make the sentence better by taking them out.

downright can be one word.

Capitalize Middle Eastern

Here is another place to kill a modifier:
Teamwork is absolutely essential in a restaurant here where the customers cannot differentiate ...

Less is more:
After getting off work at 11 pm, I would frequently go home only to study until no coffee or energy shots could keep my forehead off of the kitchen table.

Scholarship / "Where Spanish and American traditions merge" - Study abroad scholarship essay [9]

I am curious about how...

Traveling gives you instills a new...

Tend to not, tend not to, either is fine!!!
:-)

And the long sentence you asked about, I think the problem is some modifiers that do not help:
make of it an unique and amazing place ---- try replacing them with something specific. Unique and amazing just express energy without actually saying much.

Writing Feedback / I'd run my own business" ;To purchase a house or a business - TOEFL [7]


Hi Eduarado, do you happen to know how the rating system works for toefl? I would love to try to help if you can help me learn how these are rated.

Do not include the period if you have a question mark. The period replaces the question mark:
?". ---- ?"

...question: "W hat would you do if you won lottery?"
Now, remember this freaky verb tense rule:
What would you do if you won?
What will you do if you win?
but not
What would you do if you win?

Here is another example:
If I passed the toefl one day I would...----- this sentence is strange, but it is correct.
If I pass the toefl one day I will------ this is also correct.

If I like essay forum I will remain a member.
If I liked essay forum I would remain a member.

If I did---> I would
If I do -----> I will

Writing Feedback / "Don't be angry" valuble piece of advice my father once gave me. [7]

You were writing in the past tense, so use "avoided."
I avoided many problems and harmful consequences by controlling my anger and improving my anger management skills.

That is why domestic violence, child abuse, physical assault, and even murder are mostly results of anger.

I think "We" is better. "You" is preachy, but "we" is humble.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you" -Personal Statement on major [7]


I like this. This is a nice way of expressing it, very cool.

Okay, so my advice is to not say "either."
Boldly assert your intention so learn both exercise science and nutrition, because time is on your side and your intentions are aligned with these excellent fields.

Get specific, and cite articles about new research. owever, my friends, family, and anyone else meet describe me as loud, silly, and energetic. This part is a distraction. You have the right idea, so be confident. Write what you intend.

Undergraduate / "to bring my ideals to fruition" -Academic and extracurricular pursuits - UPenn [3]

Knowledge is the basis for my dedication. --- right here, this is where you stumble. I like this idea of setting a lofty goal. That is great, but in this paragraph about knowledge you go astray. I hope you'll scrap this paragraph and replace it with some discussion of specific kinds of knowledge.

If you start that death theme, you should continue it. At the end of the essay, you need to probably cite some articles about recent research that has been done to "defeat death" in the ways that interest you.

Undergraduate / Essay on my personal goal ( which is to be a doctor)- feedback [5]


I have kept this goal as my focus throughout high school life, because it is a goal worth putting on a pedestal.

Change that first paragraph:
I looked at this essay for a long time, and finally I decided that the problem is that the first para has nothing to do with the rest of it. You have a GREAT theme: help. People need help, and you want to help as a physician. I think this is a winning approach. But change that first para so that it is a clever way of explaining thins theme... this concept... that people need HELP.

Undergraduate / "the suburbs of Detroit" - MIT undergrad - Describe the world you come from [4]


This is the spot to change, according to me. I think you should get rid of this weak detail, this ugly worthless yucky detail! And replace it with a brilliant thesis statement... a statement on which that reader's attention will linger for a moment.

Thinking for a moment about your statement, the reader will be ready to understand the next paragraph from the perspective represented in that... that most important statement at the end of the first para.

:-)

My mistakes will be my own - but so will my success.
--- there is some wisdom here. I made the mistake of trying to prevent someone from making mistakes, and I should have known that I needed to leave him alone!

Undergraduate / Rutgers: volunteering diversity [6]

It will be good if the essay can get focused on a single idea.
But it didn't stop there as my family celebrated holidays such as Christmas, Diwali and Thanksgiving. (Right after this sentence, add a sentence to the end of the first paragraph. Make it a sentence that expresses an idea that is the MAIN IDEA you want the reader to remember.This will be the most important sentence of the essay.)

Does that seem like a good idea? You can have your own style; my way is not necessarily better. But it will help the reader to focus on your message, something memorable.

Undergraduate / "goals of my dad" - Drexel Essay with the major of Business [4]

gave me faith and motivation in achieving my own.
gave me faith in achieving...
gave me motivation in achieving...
This part is messed up, I guess. Let's simplify:
...strengthened my faith in my own potential. and motivation in achieving my own.

:-)

Undergraduate / "High school swim practice" - University of Illinois under grad admission essay [3]


Here is an example of the tense changing that Cammi mentioned. You can turn it all present tense by changing was to is.

Also... "I would rather be playing..."

You did a good job of covering "why you initially chose it, why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it." However, I think you should use some of their key words to show that you are responding to the prompt.

"initially chose"
"benefited"
"continued"

:-)

Essays / writing an essay about something i'm proud of in the world or sth i'm ashamed of. [3]

Ryan, thanks for contributing this way! That is a great way to respond to people... by demonstrating some inspired writing.

Inspiration is catchy.

people are going in separate ways , always fighting with each other , hatred is taking over and there is nothing we can do to change---- Is this something you are ashamed of, or something all people must share?

I think it is what we all must share.
You can write about something more specific. You can be proud of ideas, accomplishments, or things you deeply understand.

- Write one sentence about something you are proud of, something specific.
- Write one sentence about something you are ashamed of, something specific.
- Then, turn both sentences into paragraphs. Do this by adding explanation sentences and example sentences.
- Finally, read each paragraph and look for the "moral of the story." Make that your theme, and introduce it in an intro paragraph at the start of the essay. That way you will have an intro paragraph and two body paragraphs.

Undergraduate / Given your desired major and why- Prison Ministry [4]

This is good collaboration! I'll add this:
Stroll through the peaceful pasture, and you will next cross the barbed wired fence that isolates this frightening territory from the rest of the world.

or
Stroll through the peaceful pasture; you will next cross the barbed wired fence that isolates this frightening territory from the rest of the world.
or
Strolling through the peaceful pasture, you will next cross the barbed wired fence that isolates this frightening territory from the rest of the world.

Undergraduate / Help/Suggestions for CA Prompt 1 - "I killed a Bird" [7]

This essay really resonates with me. I had a similar experience involving a grasshopper. It was half crushed beneath my 11 year old foot, mangled and suffering because I had accidentally stepped on it. The only reason I had not completely crushed it was because I noticed it at the last second as my sneaker was coming down on it, and I stumbled to avoid crushing it. It was suffering so much, though, half crushed and writhing around. I had to kill it.

I think this essay is really excellent, but I want to encourage you to stay focused on your purpose. That means you have to think of what impression you want to make on the reader, and write accordingly. When you get to the part in italics, I feel like the essay is already complete, and i feel like the last two paragraphs in italics are not as powerful as the rest of the essay. I suggest rewriting those last paragraphs so that they focus on the "impact" the experience had on you as a person who is now entering this particular degree program. Know what I mean? Every essay is about something different, but every essay is also about the fact that you are applying for admission to this program.

Writing Feedback / Children should grow in countryside or big city? I am in favor of big city [3]

Almost every parent wishes their children to live in a good environment.

Some parents think that the countryside is a suitable place, while the others prefer the city.

From my point of view, I believe that the former is better in terms of education as well as health care.

In a big city, there are is a variety of modern schools which are equipped with high technology equipments.

Therefore students have more chances to put the theories into practice. ---- good!

For instance, the students who love music cannot display their talents because of lack of musical instruments when studying in school in the countryside.

That is why some serious cases in rural cruel areas have to be transferred to the city.
Good ending!

Okay, so just remember the :
I go to the city every day.
I go to the country.

Undergraduate / Self-Founded Book Bridge Club: 150 word [4]

This is good writing, efficient and rhythmic. I guess I can see a place near the end to improve it a little:
I've helped raise a total of over $6,000, $2,330 of which was recently sent to the JinTang Elementary School in Chengdu, China. I plan to visit the school this summer, hoping to see for myself the children whose stories have so moved me to make a positive difference for my Asian heritage. I like everything in the essay except for the awkward ending! :-)

That last sentence should be about the children and why you want to see them. I think "Asian Heritage" does not need to be in the essay, because giving does not need to be about culture; it can just be about giving.

Undergraduate / "The Oak Tree"-Evaluating a risk I have taken and its impact on me. [4]

Years ago, my answer to the lyrics of my favorite song would've been "no!" But one bold decision changed my perspective on achievement.--- shouldn't this say miracles instead of achievement?

Because of the lyrics, I mean.

I like this, and I took some inspiration from it. Thank you!

I want to encourage you to tie up the loose end and make "miracles" a theme. The idea is that an acorn growing into a tree is a kind of miracle, and so it the transformation of an idea into a reality. Complete the theme at the end, there...

Undergraduate / "Find X, the missing element" - University of Chicago Essay [4]

I think a good phrase to use in this essay would be to "solve" for x. That would be cool.

I notice that you do not use the word variables until the end. use that word sooner!

Develop the metaphor! You are doing very well; I love this approach, but you should go into that metaphor a little. Some equations have more than one variable. Does your life have more than one?

Some equations require you to know a particular Order of Operations. Does your life have an Order of Operations for you to follow?

I don't want to see you change much about this inspired essay, but do dive into that metaphor.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Traffic in Viet Nam: Reasons and Solutions [5]

I didn't know people from Viet Nam wrote it as 2 words... Thanks for making me a little more knowledgeable! I wonder why there is a difference... Anybody know?

Undergraduate / My life changing epiphany, volunteering _ UF Essay [6]

Casey, you are a hero. I hope you check out the EF Contributor page.

No longer soaring over the world, the red shouldered hawk now lies dismantled on the metal surgical table.

...between man and animal, between man and man.

This is going to be a winner. Maybe you lost some of the meaning by shortening it, but that is inevitable. The important thing is that this really conveys your enthusiasm and shows your seriousness. Also, you have a great way of writing!

Writing Feedback / "My Dad's Life" - the perfect family I need. [3]

When my dad was a teenage, he did not have to go to work at all. He just stayed home or chilled out with his friends because his family was so rich.

That's why he did not have to work at all. no need to repeat this.

He does not let us do whatever we want to do or go anywhere we want to go. For example, during the weekend my friends ask me to go to shopping with them; so I ask his permission to let me go with them to the mall, but he always says "No" to me.

The best thing to do is work on your verb tenses. Decide if you want to write about what IS HAPPENING nowadays (i.e. present tense) or if you want to write about what DID ALREADY happen (i.e. past tense.)

Here is a part you seem to have in the past tense, so I'll fix it a little for you:
...he did not want his daughter to get involved any car accident, and I was the only
daughter in this family, so he did not want anything happen to me. So every single day
he dropped me off to school and picked me up to school.

(Look at all the verbs I changed to the past tense in the sentence above.)

:-)

Undergraduate / "An Extended Complaint" - Evaluate an Experience and its Impact on you [4]

extending my hip-flexor--- maybe stretching my hip flexor would be better. You confused me with this little phrase...
:-)

Hey, can we please end the first paragraph after this:
foot-deep quilt of snow.
para #2:
I imagined that ...
(my attention span is not long enough!)

all thanks to that one blustery day on the track.--- I think the inaccuracy of this last statement makes it weaken the essay. It is not accurate to say "all thanks to" one day.

This is obviously great; all it is missing is some tension. At the beginning, make me care about something; make me care what happens. Build some tension, and then we can experience that resolution at the end.

Undergraduate / "Good/bad advice" - Any on my NYU Tisch dramatic essay? [4]


Ha ha, no that does not mean it is bad; we just had a mad rush of essays recently, and it was hard to keep up.

careful here: I knew I had to do get out of the

separate allover into 2 words

more so then yours--- than, not then

Oh yeah did I mention she sold the drugs she was addicted too to. ---- If she was selling them systematically, that means she must have had at least a little control over her addiction! I hope she got better by now; some of the greatest people I have known are the ones who suffered with addiction. I wonder if it is actually necessary to include this part about your rough childhood; it distracts the reader's attention from the real point of the story. If this was a novel, it would be good to include all that, but a short essay like this has to focus on the main idea.

Knees --- no need to capitalize
I think you need a sentence in that first paragraph that tells WHY you needed to get out of the car.

Scholarship / "I come from all over the States" - Questbridge Essay- Biographical [3]


Ha ha, cool!!

Let's put these 2 together:
...many lessons -- about myself, others, and the world.

In Pennsylvania I developed a very negative relationship with my grandmother, that sometimes resulted in violence on her end.----- A negative relationship can mean that one thing decreases while another increases. Also, it might not be good to write in this way that presumes she was wrong and you were right. I think you might do better if you refer to "a particular person" rathe than saying it was your grandmother, but I'm not sure how to explain why!

:-)

Undergraduate / "Alessia for the world" - ESSAY ABOUT MY NAME. [5]


hello again!

ha ha, I like rezzydemption's username...

No, my mother didn't take into account the possibility that I could have a "blown s"--- I don't get it.

which my mother extremely loves.----- extremely does not quite work here.


Unless you are wanted by the mob, the law, etc!!!! :-)

Capitalize American.

This is excellent, Allie! It's good when you can take a subject like this and write so well that it becomes interesting to others. Usually, if you talk about your name for a few minutes, people get bored, but not this time!

Undergraduate / "my suburban town" - a life lesson learned that you can bring to the villanova campus [3]

garden of blossomed flowers. ---- flowers could be replaced with a more specific word, perhaps a kind of flower.

My heart sank deep into...

I did not merely notice the destruction of my childhood and the construction of conformity?---- very cool, but "merely" does not work here...I think you are using it like "even," but it seems wrong.

I think it would be good to divide that long first para into 2.
I think it would be good to spend more time discussing how this kind of appreciation and "noticing" is related to your intended major or subject of interest and what you know about the school, etc. Spend a little more time with that discussion of what you can contribute. The description is great!!

I like this a lot; hats off to you, as it were. If I'd been wearing a hat, it'd be off to you.

Faq, Help / My and EssayForum - A bond... [8]


Yes, I hope you do get set up as a contributor. Your writing does not have to get any better; you are already ready. And thanks for the kind words about our site!


hahahha, if you look hard enough you can find some harsh slashing I have done when I was in a foul state of mind!

Hey, I'm really glad to hear about your "addiction" to the site. I didn't realize what a significant role EF was playing for you. Stay involved!

:-)

Undergraduate / "A muslim family that celebrates Christmas" - Response to an essay question [5]

If you embrace the philosophy called perennial philosophy, I think it is normal to celebrate multiple religions. Some of us see the various religions as manifestations of the spirit of human consciousness, and the way of practicing "perennial" spirituality makes it not only permissible but also sort of necessary to celebrate multiple religions.