Writing Feedback / Summarise information about expenses on different items in five different countries in 2002 [4]


I am glad you started a new thread. Every time you write an essay, start a new thread.

I see 2 places where you used a comma instead of a period:


It should be 1.98% and 2.21%

Can you add a sentence to tell about what the %% stuff refers to? I wonder if Italy accounts for 9% of the clothing bought by the countries named here or if it refers to 9% of consumption in Europe, or if the 9% refers to something else. Do you know what I mean?

I think you did a great job here! That is my only question... 9% of what? Total consumption of that particular item in the countries represented in the chart?

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay : Should Society Ban All Forms of Advertising? [8]

Why did you capitalize the word 'when' in the middle of a sentence? Only capitalize the first word of each sentence. Unless it is the first word of a sentence, you should only capitalize it if it is a proper noun.

Hey, I think you should answer their question in your first paragraph. You should say something like this:
Advertising should not be banned, because ____________________________.

Children are influenced.
Children are influence by advertisements...
You need a d on the end. :-)

You are doing very well!!! Always use the key words from the prompt when you write your essay, and you will get a good score. For example, you should add some sentences that talk about the advantages of banning advertisements. Then, add some sentences about the disadvantages of banning advertisements.

Research Papers / The Chinese citizens forging a new life in the United States [2]

...intellectuals finally founded the radical Chinese Communist Party (Buel). --- I took away a period here. In MLA, put the citation inside of punctuation, like this:

...blah blah blah, give your essay a thesis statement (Kevin).

Some of this does sound like it came from a professional article, as Jon mentioned, so that means you write very well! Unless you copied it, ha ha., But I do not see this material anywhere online, so there is no reason to think you copied it. You write in a very clear, professional way!

...will be explained by investigating a variety of possiblities possibilities regarding politics, the economy, and society.----- here, after this sentence, it would be nice to give a sentence that clearly expresses the main conclusion or idea that is achieved in the essay. Your thesis is great the way you wrote it, but it could be better if instead of just saying what the paper will cover it also made some kind of great observation about the "big picture."

Undergraduate / Ms. Lee - "Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you" [14]

Hey, nice to see you, Andy!

Dissertations / Stuck on p-values and I just dont seem to get them (dissertation question). [5]

This statistical analysis stuff is so hard! It's my weakness, and I am not the best person for the job of explaining it. This will help you: graphpad.com/articles/pvalue.htm. Remember that "mean" is a word that means the same thing as "average."

Also, keep in mind that the purpose of a p-value is to show if something is statistically significant.

It's kind of like this:
I do a study involving 100 chickens. I give them compliments and ask them to lay more eggs. I do this, and they seem to start laying more eggs! I get excited because I think my intervention led to a real result, but what if it was just a coincidence?

That is what statistical significance means. We use math to figure out how likely it is to have just been a coincidence.

Statisticians use math processes that I do not understand. They use them in order to determine statistical significance. They want to know if something they did caused a change to happen or if the change was not significant enough to justify thinking that the intervention is what caused the change.

:-) Does that help? This is not a great explanation, but you probably do not need to understand the whole process of calculating p-values. You just need to look at the results section to see if the results were shown to be statistically significant or not.

Read the results section again, and let me know if it says the results were statistically significant. Good luck! This kind of thing is hard.

Writing Feedback / GRE AW eassy_ individuals VS groups of people in the significance of history study [5]

In the view of development of human society, it is not difficult to draw this the conclusion that famous individuals such as Albert Einstein and Martin Luther King, and many common people -- say, numerous gallant Chinese people involved in the Anti-Japanese War in World War II -- play equal roles in and have equal importance in determining significant events and trends in history. We should pay equal attention to both of them for their significance of to students of history.

Elbert Albert

As a lead er in the African American civil rights movement, he has ...

On the other hand, we cannot ignore the key role of common people in shaping the events of history.

Finally, over emphasizing the significance of few individuals in history studying leads to sightless cult of personality which is often accompanying accompanied by grievous results.

The Cultural Revolution in China following with victory of Anti-Japanese war was undoubtedly a nightmare for every Chinese people at that moment.

It is many Chinese people's blind idolatry for Mao that caused the Cultural Revolution.

In order to get authentic results when studying history, the significance of famous individuals and groups of common people should be paid identical attention and treated equally.

Undergraduate / "getting an "A" no matter what" Evaluate a significant experience, achievement [6]


No, no! That is not the joy of youth! The joy of youth continues until you start to have age related health complications. Don't miss the joy of youth that you still are having!

With unseen and unrecognizable pressure put on me by my parents, I would strive to get that "A" no matter what.--- this part is confusing. Do you mean they were using subliminal messages?

However, in a turn for the worst, little did I know --- too much, too complicated! This part, I think, should be written more simply. You write so well, though, that I don't think I need to tell you how to do it. Just use some short sentences.

Same thing here... simplify:
...that getting an "A" no matter what was not as easy. Unexpected and malevolent methods came to my head to keep that instinct of getting all A's.---- be bold and start a new sentence. Your writing is worth reading! Use as many sentence breaks as you want to use! :-) that'll keep it clear. Also, it is fun. I mean, using a lot of sentences is fun. It makes the essay fun to read, too.

Writing Feedback / My Dad; He always stands by my side - A Person That Has Influenced My Life [7]

Name that food. What was it? Instead of calling it food, tell us what it is so we can have a picture in our minds.

My dad taught me the most important lesson: how to be an honest man. ------ I like this way better, because it focuses on honesty rather than "man." I don't like it when people use "man" to mean something like honorable or strong, because what does that make women? If I hear someone say, "Be a man!" It makes me think of patriarchy. Nobody ever says, "Be a human!"

Anyway, nevermind that.

This is a terrific essay. I like the ending, especially that last sentence. So... you wrote about honesty, selflessness, and a few other qualities. But is there a main idea for this whole essay? Something more specific than, "My dad is my hero." How about a specific insight? This is already great, but think about a sentence that would contain the concentrated power of the whole essay. Keep this idea in mind all day, and tonight you will know a sentence that contains the essence of the whole essay. Every essays should include at least one sentence like that.

This is very good!!

Graduate / Admission for Phd in Epidemiology [10]


Yeah, someone can correct you as well! Good point. Also, you do not need to make corrections. Just talk about the essay in any way that you can. Thank you!!!!!!!

Undergraduate / England, Family, Memories, Life - Just an idea for the Common App Essay [9]

It's not often that a real essay is written as an admissions essay. A real essay is the kind somebody writes our of sheer inspiration. This is really good stuff. I hope you will develop the part about England some more. Give a memorable phrase in the intro, and then use it again in the conclusion... a phrase about the significance of England. I need to know how you get back to "I love England" at the end. It seems that a sentence is missing.

I think it's excellent. It's excellent that, like a palindrome, it ends the way it begins.

As an admissions essay, it is indeed risky. It is always risky to talk about family... their personality flaws, etc... because it is like talking behind someone's back when they are not able to give their side of the story. Also, it seems like some students are using the essay like a therapy session. You did such a great hob with this, though... I think you should try to replace the criticism of family with something more introspective.. that'll be more impressive.

Undergraduate / High School Chess Championships: A winner [10]

My four hour game had ended in defeat. I would not be going up on to the stage. I was simply one of the crowd, forgotten and obscure. Although I was....shook my head at the mirror, as if I disapproved of the way it depicted me. In truth, I was frustrated by my own incompetence. I doused my... -- merge the paragraphs

Above, I changed it to 'up to the stage'... but more importantly, I scratched out a sentence that makes it seem like you still are too critical and competitive. People who are too competitive are kind of neurotic. I think that sentence should be gone and that the 2 paragraphs should be merged.

I love the description, and I love the fact that it ended in a lesson about humility and introspection. This is very impressive!!

BTW what is a good website to use if I want to play chess online?

Undergraduate / TITLE: Seven Pairs, Thirteen Years: This is my Common App Personal essay [10]

Hey, you have such a nice style of writing that I don't want to kill any sentences! It's hard to cut out content when the work is inspired...

Oh! I noticed something... check the spelling of this: Alleluia
Ha ha.. I like your way of spelling it, but I think it is like this: Hallelujah

You'll need to cut out one sentence from each para and do another word count. After that, you'll probably need to cut out another whole para.

The trick: identify the main ideas and take out all that does not support them.
Also... look at a para, ask yourself what it says, and then see if you can write a brilliant sentence that says it all in one sentence.

Undergraduate / "my school's orchestra" - elaborate on activities paragraph [4]

While some musicians struggled to stay interested, I found the orchestra to be very enjoyable, stimulating, and critical to the development of my character. --- All this stuff does not mean anything. It is nicely written, but any reader will know that you did not play music with the idea that, "I am developing my character and feeling stimulated."

The thing to do is share your most valuable insight. What can you say about times when you used the rhythmic, melodic state of mind while doing something other than playing music? What truths about life have been uncovered through music? Share something of value with the reader... something that is one of the most profound insights you gained from music.

Also, notice that the strength of the first line will improve if you take out the word finally. Telling them finally indicates that time passed before you joined, but that is not part of the point of the essay. Don't detract from the essay with unnecessary details.

:-)

Undergraduate / "It's just the mirror," Howard Accounting Transfer Essay [2]

Welcome to EF, Vincent!

Keep this verb tense the same:
Moving forward, my inner man was strengthened and I began to...

What is it that is 'just the mirror?' At first it seems like you are saying you are overcoming insecurities, and then you describe yourself as a tall, well built, handsome individual with dark features, and a smooth tan complexion... so it seems that you feel good about the way you look. But you did not always feel good about it?

The theme seems to be the mirror, but also it involves self-acceptance and determination. I think you need to add one or two sentences of explanation to help the reader understand the point of "it's just the mirror."

Also, what it the main idea of this essay that you want the reader to remember? This essay says several different things, but it should be focused on one idea... and I think the idea is a powerful one. You are writing about a moment of keen insight. That is great! But add some sentences to help the reader understand. Also, I think it might be a mistake to describe yourself as a tall, well built, handsome individual with dark features, and a smooth tan complexion--- sounds like something from a romance novel. :-)

Undergraduate / The ability to think: Common Application. Elaborate on one Activity. [13]


Yep! It is grandiose. That is a good word for it, too.

I mean, it is valid to celebrate the fact that one's contribution can be something others can learn from. Like, for example, I like to think that my peers learned from me sometimes in college. I think it is possible to talk about learning from one another mutually.

As captain of my team, I truly believed that I have made a difference in the lives of everyone who learned from me.--- this is not an example of mutual learning, though. It is grandiose, like Linmark says.

Then again, maybe Longwen was constantly teaching others and now remembers this as an experience of becoming a tutor and a leader. If it was an experience like this, I understand why he would want to express it.

Yet, I really think it does seem grandiose. The solution might be to talk about how YOU learned from your opponents and teammates while ALSO acting as a mentor to younger students.

Undergraduate / Xcel Tiny Tots Day Care. Admission into Penn State University. [4]

...some of which who were shy and sweet, and of course the others who were misbehaved and rampant.--- you have a nice way of writing!

I would be forced to take a great deal of time to learn the personalities of the children and slowly try to build a friendship upon it the foundation of understanding.

...of the kids for whom I was responsible.

The days of my summer vacation were spent less satisfying than I had originally expected them to be, but still I stuck to my commitment that I had made to myself to go to Tiny Tots every day.---- every day should be 2 words. As one word, it is an adjective.

Undergraduate / Ties, Girls and Universal Primary Education. Common App Essay. [6]

These are the 2 semi-colons you should keep.
my words; a false start.
This time, I do not choke on my words; the fluidity of my ...
You should change the other semi-colons in the first paragraph to commas.

Google around about the correct use of semi-colons, since you seem to like them so much!! I like them, too.

Ha ha, now THIS is a good sentence to use at the start of the essay. I almost want to tell you to chop that whole confusing first paragraph so that this second paragraph will become paragraph 1.

Your para #1 is confusing!! But para #2 will make a great intro, I think!
:-)

And if you do that, the intro para will end with this excellent, memorable thesis: a forum through which the young generation can have their go at confronting the issues facing the world. It is in this facet of the program that I gain my gratification.

Try to read the essay as if for the first time, and start at the top of para #2. You'll probably see what I mean. If you chop the first paragraph, you can make room for a bit more discussion.

Writing Feedback / GRE-Should governments solve the immediate or the anticipated problems? [4]

Is this supposed to say closer? -----> Local governments are more closed closer to the common people and deal with a mount of regular and common affairs every day. For example, if one factory gets set on f ired in the city, the local government should organize the local staffs to put out the fire immediately and...

Second, governments of different countries should solve the immediate problems of today as well as the anticipated problems of the future at the same time. ---- ah, I think this is the most important sentence of the whole essay. This is very true, and I think it is the 'correct' answer to the question.

For example, governments should provide funds for new technologies which will benefit the society in the future.

"Importance"
For governments at the national level, solving the immediate problems is of the same importance as the anticipated problems.

Writing Feedback / my Toefl: which do you prefer?get up early and start day work or get up later... [4]

Others are inclined to get up ...
When you use 'incline' it should be like this: "inclined to"
example: I am inclined to agree.

early and work at daytime. Were I to offer my choice, I would not hesitate a moment to say that I favor the former latter side, that is, beginning everyday work early. ----- I changed it to latter, because the former view (the one you explained first) was about getting up late.

In addition, the flesh fresh air, sounds of birds as well as the well-planted trees, as you imagine, give me the ...

working during night enables you to avoid many needless annoying disturbances such as noise construction or phones, but we have to admit...

We have to admit that --- you use this phrase too many times! :-)

... can guarantee people's health , provide more convenient way to work and promote communication with colleagues and friends. Therefore, as far as I am concerned, that is a much better lifestyle than getting up later and working at nighttime.--- very good ending!!!

Undergraduate / intellectual challenges - Stanford-intelellectually engaging activity [17]


Well, I wonder how you are thinking of yin and yang. Are you thinking of them as meaning, "The fundamental parts of something" or are you thinking of them as "The dominant aspect of something and the submissive aspect of something"... because yin and yang refer to negative and positive, soft and hard, night and day, yielding and advancing.

So if you say mathematics is yang, you have to show how it is yang compared to electricity.

I like your idea, and I think it may be able to work, but you should think some more about it.
If electricity and mathematics are 2 sides of a coin, that seems strange, because electricity is a form of the energy in reality as we know it, whereas mathematics is a mental discipline. It's like comparing apples and oranges.

That is my way of giving you a hard time (above) to discuss the thing with you, but most importantly, submit this and be confident, because it is very impressive already!!!

Writing Feedback / Baku-- a short paragraph about the hometown [9]

Awesome... I was not sure.

But actually, I still am thinking that orient is a verb or noun, whereas oriental is an adjective... so... if you need an adjective in this sentence, it might be best to use oriental.

But I'm not sure! It is a word with multiple meanings... :-) I am thinking of it as one word with different forms: orient, oriental.... oriental is the adjective form.

Undergraduate / Futuristic idea - Personal Statement [8]

You can click around to see the kind of help I provide. But actually I am most interested in encouraging writers to interact with each other. Discussing our writing, we can help one another see it from another perspective. Discussing our writing, we can help students learn English as a second language.

I can't really rate or score essays, because whenever you score something you need to use norm referencing or criterion-referencing, or some other reference point, and the score I give based on arbitrarily chosen criteria would be misleading to some students who are preparing for assessments involving other criteria.

So... now you should go visit some "unanswered" essays and give some people your ideas that come to mind when reading their essays. EssayForum suddenly got very busy, and I'm having trouble keeping up!! :-)

Undergraduate / Artwork, Common App: Describe a creative work that has influenced you and why [9]


You have some great sentences...

This is very good writing, obviously. It is no surprise that you are not afraid to defy convention, because you are good at this stuff. However, a thesis statement is like an arrow you shoot through the dragon's heart. No thesis statement, no dragon for dinner.

As I read, my mind works hard to remember all the sentences of the first paragraph, and the second, and I have to keep them all in mind, because I am waiting to find out what the point of it all might be. That is why you need to revise so that there is one sentence (somewhere near the end of the first para or in the second para) that tells the reader concisely what this is all about. Then, the reader can say, "Ah, I see what this is about," and continue to read with a clear mind.

So... I have no criticism for your writing; it's great! But add that powerful sentence that can kill a dragon.

Research Papers / idea and list the research topic in software engineering [4]

If a list of topics is what you want, all you need to do is Google this: software engineering research topics.

I think we can help you some more by discussing some articles or working with you on your writing.
This looks like a good resource: softwareengineeringresearch.net/

Google this, too: Software Engineering Research Study
and
Literature review software engineering

You should read some dissertations other people have written and see what articles they reviewed in their review of lit.

Writing Feedback / GRE Issue: The intellectual benefits of attending a university or college are vast [3]

...There are successful self-taught individuals such as Minhong Yu, who is the owner of trains of English training school in China. --- is this a proper noun? Capitalize the name of the school.

When he was in college, he knew clearly what he wanted, and he knew that the college education could not help enough for his career goals, so he discontinued his formal education and established an English training school which was so successful that a train of schools were established. which could not be taught from school for sure . This sentence was too long so I had to take off part of it! :-) what do you think?

Undergraduate / Swim with no clothes- paragraph about The Most Frightening Experience of my Life [4]

I was forced to swallow large amounts of water with chlorine.

Though it was a few seconds, they passed as a long hour.--- this is a very good sentence. It is very poetic. You might want to make a small change, though: Though the experience lasted only a few seconds, it passed for what seemed like an hour.

Okay... so... SWIMMING WITH NO CLOTHES is not the same as swimming with no flotation device!! It is a funny mistake. I think when I was a kid those things were called "floaties." But don't write that. I don't think swimming tube is quite right, either.

The most frightening experience of my life was in the swimming pool when I was ___ years old. It was the second time I went with my family, and I decided to swim my inflatable arm floats.

Writing Feedback / Cooperating of fathers in child rearing [3]

Yes, cooperation is better in the title. However... cooperating is not exactly wrong. It can be a kind of noun called a gerund, and it can work in a way that is similar to cooperation.

In this situation, women shoulder the burden of household management in spite of their work outside the home.

Some people like to write: Their families are faced with some problems. However, I like to do it this way: Their families face with some problems.

Only use capital letters at the beginning of the sentence:
In summary, Cooperating cooperating mothers and...

Graduate / Cultures of West and East; SOP in Entrepreneurship (study plan) [7]

...but they usually fail because they lack professional methods.

Entrepreneurship--- great choice!!

From 2004 to 2008, I was studied Tourism at XXXX University in Taiwan. When I studied in college I learnt not only from the academic courses but also from internship experiences in hospitality field over the course of four years, such as travel agency, hotel and restaurants. T he last year in college, students have had to write a graduate dissertation with teamwork and give a presentation to all the professors. My dissertation's topic was, "A Study Of Domestic Tourism Resources - Choice And Preference Of College Students In Taipei. "--- interesting!!

By doing so, I more gained more understanding of the process of writing the dissertation.

As a consequence, in 2009 I was concentrating on managin g the restaurant and controlling ...

very impressive!!

Undergraduate / "our democracy", Common Application Essay - Responding to a quote [5]


You should read about 'servant leadership' and maybe mention it in the essay. However, it refers to something other than public service. It is a style of leadership.

One of such ways for college graduates is use of their professional skills. I think if you rewrite this in a simpler way it will be better! This sentence is a mess. :-)

Undergraduate / "Over-ambitious procrastinator" or how to start my commonapp essay? [6]

Change it to "overly ambitious." It sounds better.

Be careful about spacing of characters and words: "what ifs"but

Oh wow!! I can't believe that... how terrible... your grandmother represents a way of thinking that still exists in many places. I have trouble believing some people think that way.

My parents are used to listening my "what-if questions," but I actually was not always like this before, I mean this overly ambitious person.

I used to prevent distractions by recalling my conversation with grand mom. I had shocked my parents the most when they saw my great final exam's marks.

I really like this essay!!!
Find places to take out unnecessary words. Like this: I want to prove my grandmother wrong and want to change her perspective.

Writing Feedback / People attend university because they want to prepare themselves for future career [3]

In my opinions I think people attend university because they want to prepare themselves for future career. ---- good! I think it is cool that you take a stand on the issue and make an argument instead of just saying that people have different reasons.

However, make this change:
In my opinion , I think people most often attend university because they want to prepare themselves for future career. --- I added "most often" so that it would be clearer.

...we need graduate from college or university to comprehend the topics in that professional field.

Academics will be a foundational for beginning and in practically will teach us how to solve problems in the real work situations.

Actually I know that some people did not attend university, but they became famous and rich. Yet, I think most of us cannot waiting expect success if we do not have any preparation.

:-)

Writing Feedback / It is impossible for a man to stay alone - groups are part of human's life [9]

Let's talk about all and every.

All pencils are wooden.
All cars are on the road.
All of my money is in my pocket.

Every pencil is wooden.
Every car is on the road.
Every dollar is in my pocket.

When you use 'every' you have to be talking about something singular.
Every time you use every, make sure it refers to something singular.

When you use all, it refers to something plural:
All the oysters...
All the hamsters...
All the sentences that have "all" should be about something plural.

So... Vaishali, how should you change the first sentence of this essay?

Undergraduate / "me giving back to the community" - UC Prompt #1 Help [9]


yeah, just don't use that phrase at all, because too many people use it.

my life has been changed through numerous experiences ,obstacles, and people. --- this is too simple, and everyone could say the same thing.

This is a good sentence to begin with: While some kids had life easy, my parents carried and embedded instilled in me the mentality, "If you want something, then...

Start by writing 100 sentences. Write them in a list. Write 100 sentences that come to mind, and then look at them all to find your main theme. When you have written 100, choose a few good ones to use as topic sentences for your body paragraphs. :-)

Writing Feedback / Arts such as painting,music and dancing are the most colorful compositions. [2]

We all know that nearly all the outstanding humans have some hobbies involving art.---- good point!!! This is a very strong argument in favor of learning the arts in school.

For instance,the father of contrary Relativity Theory, Einstein, had a excellent skill in with the violin,and the former British Premier Churchill won the Nobel prize on literature.It was true that these great men people of the whole history had good training in arts when they were young,and they could preserve these hobbies till their old throughout their lives.

... great works by Von Gough .Thus,these beautiful ...

On the other hand,these great works can motivate activate the potential hidden in the child. ---- very good point!!!

A survey had indicated that the efficiency of the students' study can be improved if they spent spend 30 minutes in listening to Mozart.

Writing Feedback / Children may be stimulated by some new subjects and enjoy a more colorful and meaningful childhood [2]

Oceanyang you have an interesting username!! In Chinese medicine, the top of the head is considered yang, and it is called "heaven," but the bottom of the abdomen is called the 'sea bottom' and it is the most yin part of the body. Maybe your username should be oceanyin! :-)


Instead, do this: Now, if non-academic subjects are involved in the...

Also:
Second, though some people say children may become exhausted under the burden of multiple subjects or even have their precious childhood ruined , learning the subjects ...

You write very well. I think you will have no problem passing the TOEFL. I do not know much about the TOEFL, but I think you write better than many people who only know English.

Essays / Plagiarism is a form of academic dishonesty - can't come up with a thesis/argument [5]

First of all, I want to say its an honor to correct an essay for you Mr. Cruise. I enjoy your films!!

Bad news: this thesis has got to be scrapped. If you want to know how to do this essay, all you need to do is look at the definition of plagiarism. Copying someone else's work is only one kind of plagiarism.

If you write an article and tell about the results of a research study, you have an obligation to cite the author. If you do not cite the author, it is plagiarism.

So... google this: types of plagiarism

Writing Feedback / IELTS ESSAY : CONSUMER SOCIETIES [5]


This is not very original or meaningful. You write well, but if this is the conclusion you have come to I think it is a little too simplistic. Can you make an astute observation based on this way of thinking? Say something at the end of the first paragraph that the reader may never have thought about before.

For example, you use the word inevitable. If something is inevitable, it is neither good nor bad. It just is. It just IS a fact of life, and like many things in life it has benefits and drawbacks. Do the benefits outweigh the drawbacks? Take a stand! :-)

Undergraduate / RISD essay- if you can eliminate one thing from the world what would it be? [4]


Ha ha, I appreciate this, but some readers will not like it! Ha ha... being screwed has sexual connotations that others might not appreciate. hahahahah... but I like your way of thinking...

I think you have to take out the mention of sadism. It's not helpful. You might mean... um... you might mean something like "magnanimous."

Wow, gasoline!! Good idea!

disgusting slime to power their precious cars. --- very good, very good. Is there a word limit, or can you make this longer? Make that conclusion paragraph longer!! Revise that intro so that you do not go on and on about realism, idealism, sadism... just get to the point and make this excellent argument. I am intrigued by the idea of no gasoline. :-)

Writing Feedback / THE IMPACT OF ELECTRONIC MEDIA ON CONTEMPORARY GRAPHIC DESIGN - starting? [6]

2,000 words is less than 7 pages. It's like writing 3 short essays of a page or two each. Write three short essays about different aspects of electronic media as it influences graphic design. CONTEMPORARY!! The historical overview is no good for this paper. :-)

Write 3 little essays, and then give an intro para at the start that introduces all 3 aspects.

Undergraduate / CU Boulder entrance essay about diversity and how i can contribute [3]

Hi Bria, is your username a weird transformers reference? hahah...

I wake up at noon like clockwork. --- so far, I have read only this sentence, but I think it is likely that I will recommend against saying this at the start. There are students who get up early, driven by their passion for a particular field of study or set of goals.

As I read the first para, I see that this method of introducing the essay is unhelpful. There is no need to tell the reader you sleep til noon.

You are telling a bunch of random things here. Military household, nose ring, culture... but what is the overarching theme for it all?
For this reason I plan to major in Media Studies.--- here is where it gets meaningful. The reader wants to know about your plan for the future.

...experiencing a real winter and the possibility to snowboard ...here, it starts to digress again.

Use this as a brainstorming exercise; read it again and ask yourself what message you want the reader to remember. Look again at the prompt and use some of the words they use: a diverse, inclusive community, academic excellence, leadership...

Use some of those words as you expound your single, important message. :-)