Writing Feedback / 'console games became the least popular': The global sales of different types of digital games IELTS [3]

Hi Chou, here's another take for your essay.

- The bar chart illustrates the four different
- All theThe given categories
- except the console games

- at the second place.
- There wasis a gradual
- which time, the sales of online games tripled.

- that for the handheld games
- it went through a slight

There you have it Chou, overall, the analysis is written well, just a lille polishing is needed to strengthen the analysis.
For future writing reference, mind the placement of your ideas and make sure that you don't forget to include the minor details of the sentence such as the punctuation marks, the proper construction of your sentences lies in the hands of what constitutes the sentence. What I love about your analysis however, is the fact that you are able to categorically present the idea behind the graph presented in this analysis.

Writing Feedback / Discuss the extent to which you agree or not with the recommendation of increase spending on art [3]

Hi Robin, I hope the suggestions below are still helpful to your essay.

- HereT he people of India
- could bind them areas brothers.
- For example their tT raditional art
- forms and daces - (I'm not sure what you mean by this particular words, believe me, I looked it up and I'm not able to read anything or any meaning, please enlighten us with this )

- could have able to intermingled
- keeping away the way of arm for dispute at far. ( this particular phrase is not as meaningful as I thought it would be, what do you mean or rather, what are you trying to say on this part of the essay )

- So toTo conclude,
- one country should invest in arts sinceas ,
- it can keep the society in unityunited ,
- and further avoid the unnecessary use of military forces .

There you have it Robin, as you can see there's quiet a lot of work to be done in your essay specially for the last two paragraphs of your essay, I believe this is because, you have the ideas on how to approach your essay but you are having a hard time expressing them in the English language. Practice, practice, practice.

Scholarship / Statement of purpose for an internship research program in mechanical engineering [5]

Hi Timbo, my apologies for the late response. Anyway, I would like to stress, for future writing reference that, indeed, it is rather good when you elaborate an idea base on the task at hand and I believe that you have the right reasons in doing so, however, don't you think that keeping some information to yourself will be interesting as well to the administrator? This will not only keep the essay interesting but also keep the critiques thinking like how else or what else can you bring to the table.

As much as I want to advice you to become straight forward, I would say you have to estimate or rather speculate the approach of your essay and this will help you to write a more rewarding essay.

Overall, I strongly suggest that in writing, once you feel comfortable with your answer to the topic or task at hand, proof read it yourself, this practice is done in order to make sure that you understand what your wrote, then have a third person to further critique it for you, every single suggestion will help and believe it or not, as you write, you learn!

Research Papers / Digestion Should Be Effortless [3]

Hi Courtney. first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, I hope you find this website to be credible and even more useful to your writing reference. We strive to provide you with the most accurate and objective criticisms in order for you to come up with an even stronger essay.

Moving on, as I was reading your interesting research, I say interesting because, indeed, it is an interesting topic, digestion should be, indeed, effortless, we have our digestive system in order to function well and to act as it is made for its purpose. Nevertheless, we still strive to eat and create solutions to better aid our digestions. I can very much relate to this as I am way over 30 years old and digestion at this age is quiet slow that will eventually result to gaining weight and that will be a huge problem.

Anyhow, my overall findings of the paper is that, it is fairly written, you manage to showcase facts, recent studies and well researched information. For your revision however, I hope you can add the work citation to the sentences itself, this will be easier for your readers to know exactly and in an instant as to where the information was extracted and this will build credibility to your writing. Other than this, I reckon the research paper is ready for submission.

Writing Feedback / Village versus large city. The Benefit and Drawback of Living in Small Community [2]

Hi Rahmi, here's another take on your essay.

- Most people live in enermousenormous
- In contrastOn the contrary ( contrast - for color / contrary - for idea ) to earlier times,
- most people who occupied
- This informsconnotes that,
- there is a benefit and
- drawback of living in the minorsmaller villages .

- Starting with the benefitTo start with ,
- Living in the village canses ourcreates a
- feeling becomeof
- comfortablecomfortability because
- do anya lot of activities together.
- Therefore,a person
- who lived in a small community
- cannot beare not independent
- in oneonce they move to other places .

There you have it Rahmi,I hope the above corrections are helpful in your revision. Overall, I must say that what you need to focus on is the construction of your ideas, the minor changes are mainly in your missing links, missing words that could've been part a the essay or the sentence itself. The sentences makes up the entire essay and I know that you know this very well, however, sometimes we tend to miss a few links that is very crucial to complete your sentences.

Writing Feedback / Overall, British Museum was by far the most popular of the three London museums visited by people [4]

Hi Grahyta, I reckon your essay to be fairly written, very minor corrections can be done in order to strengthen it, the best part is that, you are able to clearly state your analysis in a way that your readers can understand, not only that, you also made sure that you use simple words that truly brings about the understanding the graph presented.

Moving forward, please find my suggestions below.

- number of people
- who visited the British Museum
- to just over 750 thousandsof people.
- was widenedrose .
- However, in a month later,
- This made thecreated a gap

- upward trend. While, while thea same
- trend showed in figure for both science
- the British museum kept
- its record as by far the most immense

Grahyta, be careful with your subject substitution, it is good to substitute your subject once it's already established through out the analysis, however, make sure that the substitution is well placed or written in a way that it means what you are trying to impart in your analysis without compromising the presentation of the graph or the data.

Writing Feedback / Differences in the universal trend in using water for 3 distinct purposes over a period of 100 years [3]

Hi Tran, I may not be able to give you the band score but one thing I can do is to let you know that you manage to elaborately analyze the graph, the way you understood the graph transpired freely all through out the essay.

Furthermore, the analysis captured the right format of formal writing in the analysis. For future writing reference, mind your punctuation marks, the proper placement of your linking verbs as well as this minor details are often left out through out your writing. You tend to be immersed in your writing that you forget the little details of the sentences.

Otherwise, the analysis is written well and in the exact manner of analysis writing. I believe what mattered in this analysis is the fact that you understand the graph and this is depicted in your writing. I hope to review more of your writing projects soon.

Graduate / What are your specific expectations from the Master in Management?, My draft is as follows. [5]

Hi Aman, here's another take on your essay.

- While working in myour family
- Pursuant to thisIn my pursuit and involvement
- some organizational management
- leading the marketing team
- Further to this achievement it
- elucidated the reasons ofand hurdles
- we faced by us in other areas too.

- but will also armour me with
- leaders in the domestic market.
- the potential of the business to the maximum.
- Furthermore, this experience
-wherein i will be exposed to different perspectives
- about the business which
- skills,( a comma is not necessary when it's followed with the word "and")
- and evenfurther enhance my networking skills.

There you have it Aman, I left a few more sentences in order for you to practice proof reading your own work, this way you will be able to see the difference of your original work and the revised one. Furthermore, you will be able to effectively correct what seemed to be a good enough essay and strengthen the substance of your essay.

Writing Feedback / GRE: "Educational institutions should not dissuade students from pursuing unlikely academic careers" [3]

Hi Cj, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, this website aims to provide you with the most credible and accurate analysis and review of your writing projects, we may be able to address the concerns you have, in order to create a well written essay.

As I read through your essay, I must say you were able to deliver a compelling answer to the prompt. You manage to create not only the answer to the essay but also the idea behind what is more likely to be an effective measure to improve the rate of unemployment and in the long run eliminate this issue in our society.

Overall, I had a good read and more importantly, I understand what you would like to impart to your readers, this is very crucial as you are writing an idea that might be able to help in this issue at hand. Indeed, the unemployment rate due to todays mis- match occupation and graduates. This can be eliminated with the help of students who can detect what the industry needs not only for the time that they are studying but even more so once they graduate.

I hope my insights helped.

Writing Feedback / A good leader needs to have clearly defined principles and should not change his beliefs [2]

Hi Youe, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, I hope this is just a start of a great partnership, we strive to provide you with the most accurate and straight forward criticism in order for you to create an even stronger essay. Having said that, as I go through your essay, I notice a few linking verbs, plus- minus, meaning, some sentences are missing them, some just have too much of them that is not needed in the essay.

Moreover, the presentation of the essay is also quiet crowded, the paragraphs are way over what is needed for the essay, you can minimize this by making sure that the group of ideas you input in the essay are the necessary ones that should be included in the essay. Trim your essay down to 3 paragraphs, this way you will have a solid presentation of ideas and a more readable essay too.

I hope the insights helped and for future writing reference, in a TOEFL writing, maintain a formal approach of the essay. It is also necessary that you manage the argument in a way that it depicts the right state of ideas you want to portray in your essay

Scholarship / Mental Health Scholarship Essay - your life with mental illness, the struggles you've encountered... [5]

Hi Katheryn, just a quick question before we start, don't you think that a 2 page scholarship essay is necessary?, I have written a few scholarship exams over the course of my academic life,but never did it last 2 pages.

Well, if this is what you think is necessary, I say go ahead, however, I strongly suggest that you keep your letter to be just one page.

I say this out of experience, set yourself to be one of those who will critique your essay, do you think you will read a 2 page or more application?

Now, I'm not saying that you have to eliminate the other page, I'm suggesting that you write according to the purpose of the essay, write what is necessary, write what is needed and write what is going to be helpful to your essay. I would also like to stress that, as much as you want the critiques to know you as well as your background, it should be focused on the academic side of your background as this will be the one that will matter in your essay.

There you have it Katheryn, I hope my insights helped you in revising your essay and will open your eyes on the idea suggested. I wish to review your final essay soon.

Writing Feedback / People in the UK above the age of 4, who chose either listen to the radio or watch TV during one day [4]

Hi Naomi, aside from knowing the difference between task 1 and task 2, you also have to know the difference between an essay and and analysis. It may seem easy to understand, however, you have to know this in order to make sure that you write exactly what is asked of you to write.

An essay, is a short writing piece that answers a particular topic, an analysis on the other hand is a detailed examination of a given representation, graph, diagram or a picture. Furthermore, an analysis can be less formal but more towards making sure that the information is properly depicted in your writing.

Reading through your analysis, I must say that it lacks a few more sentences that will properly transition your ideas and elaborate or shall I say, analyze the presented graph. In revising your analysis, mind the clarity of your information, immerse yourself on the given graph and then start writing your analysis, pretty much, in understanding your graph, you will know how to tell a story about it. I hope to review the revision soon.

Undergraduate / I would like to revise my essay for ACCD - The three major artists and designers [4]

Hi Richard, for the first part of your essay, I would suggest that you do a paragraph or a few sentences that will open the conversation and showcase a summary of facts about the essay.

Moving on, each of your paragraph has been an idea that deals with totally different point that further describes or depicts the topic of the essay. What I liked about the essay is that you were able to group the differences accordingly, you also made sure that non of the traits are repeated in the essay, it was one idea after the other, while making sure that there is a smooth transition of your essay.

For future writing reference, I would suggest that you also create a better introduction to your essays as this is the opening of your article and an eye opener to the ideas you are trying to impart to your readers.

I hope to review more of your essays soon.

Writing Feedback / (TOEFL) Are people earning a lot of money qualified as a successful person? [3]

Hi Elisa, here's another take on your essay. By the way, before I get started, I just want to share that indeed, writing is an act of heroism, it expresses your ideas in a way that you have to have the courage to put your pen on a piece of paper, write to your hearts desire and be able to let your thoughts out and be known to your readers, even more so, writing is an act of simply patronizing your own work and be proud of what you've come about. What I'm trying to say is, we are what we write, having said that, we should be careful of what we write.

Moving forward, please find my suggestions below;

- However, she was shootshot in the
- She is the youngest to have ever received a Nobel Peace Prize owner .
- Her struggle against the suppression

- could havecan create positive
- I thinkbelieve they are successful.
- thing that matters in our life.

There you have it Elissa, indeed, money is not the only thing that people should think about, because, come to think of it, one can be very busy making money that they don't realize, hey, life has moved on and they grow old and the next thing they know, they're already in their death bed and they never experienced life. Nevertheless, money is needed to go on with life and it is essential but not the only thing that matters.

Undergraduate / College application personal essay for vet tech. Just a rough draft, needs a lot of work [3]

Hi Marissa, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, we strive to provide you with the most accurate and objective criticism that will hopefully nurture your skills in writing.

Below are my suggestions for the enhancement of your essay;

- Smallclass sizesShort classes ,
- I fully believe VTC canwill
- provideassist me within
- plenty ofacquiring knowledge
- thethis competitiveness of this program - and others, I have begun
- to really value the effort it takes
- to become aparta part of this noble field.

There you have it Marissa, I hope the corrections above are helpful to your revision. Indeed, there's still a lot of work to polish your essay, but don't fret, you manage to start this essay, this means, you are able to successfully take the first step in realizing your dream.

Undergraduate / How to better word this excerpt from my application essay? [4]

HI Reagan, here's my take on your essay.

- reflect how seriousdetermined I am
- in fashion businessindustry by selecting
- communications forin building a strong computer skills,
- so that I bettercan understand
- the behavior of consumers better ,
- AP literature for provingto prove
- that I can pushexceed my capabilities to
- myselfwork hard and
- for ato better understanding
- of budgets and money
- for a lead in to the FIT curriculum,
- in spite of this class . ( this phrase is not necessary)

- up for two Virtual Arkansas
- helped to seal my future goal
- of being in the fashion merchandising.

There you have it Reagan, I hope the above corrections are helpful towards your essay. I must say it was quiet difficult understanding your essay, as it is a very rough draft, it is normal to have this difficulties, however, this can be avoided if you take time practicing the English language specially in writing.

Writing Feedback / GRE: "Humans in Kaliko islands" Argument [3]

Hi Brian, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, we hope you find this website not only credible but valuable as well as useful in your revision process and even on your future writing projects.

Now, as I read through your essay, I would like to suggest that, aside from other contributors suggestions, try to refrain from using the same words all through out the essay, when you have established the subject which in this case is the argument made by the author, you can substitute the subject with "the", "it" as this will lessen the redundant effect of the sentences that will make up the essay.

Furthermore, words such "problems" are negative connotations, though we cannot avoid to associate this words in the essay, you have a few other words that you can use in order to denote a negative idea without sounding negative such as using words like "issues", "struggle", know your words as this will guide you in your writing projects.

Writing Feedback / People may do different things to stay healthy. What do you do for good health? [2]

Hi Huy, here's another take on your essay with the focus on the first and second paragraph of the article.

- You may be out out of money,
- you still live. You, lost a car,
- a house and you are still
- a live but if you
- role in our body I have

- Eating affects my health a lots .
- I usually eat green foodvegetables during meal. - but I have to avoid eating it because,

There you have it Huy, I believe this is just a few remarks that can help enhance your essay, however, this will help strengthen the substance of your essay. This also shows you that, with proper flow of ideas as well as minding the small details such as your punctuation marks and linking verbs will level up your essay and would make more sense. Don't get me wrong, I believe in your capacity in coming up with the right answer to the prompt, however, you need a lot of practice specially in forming a well constructed sentence.

Writing Feedback / Healthy lifestyle and state budget. IELST writing task 2 - update question 25 June 2016 [3]

Hi Prisca, when I was reading your essay, I must say, I got a bit confused, confused of the fact that, I don't really understand the sentences tha made up the essay. What I'm trying to say is, you have the idea in your head, however, you are having a hard time expressing yourself in this language. This is very normal to us who are not native English speakers and are not so familiar with the use of the language on a daily basis.

Now, the fact that you were able to come up with a full essay to answer the prompt, only goes to show that you are willing to learn the language and hone a craft in writing, this may not be the field you want to pursue later on in life, but it's always good to know a little bit of everything.

Furthermore, with the much needed modification on your essay, I would also like to point out that you have to practice the language in order to carry it through the essay and other writing projects to follow.

I hope this insights help you re-visit your essay and proof read it yourself to get a first hand review of your essay.

Writing Feedback / Youngsters with lower artistic skill aren't mandatory to engage in art syllabus [3]

HI Aulia, below is another take on your essay.

- lower artistic skills are not
- mandatorymandated to engage in art syllabus, - they areit's better for them - I would personally would
- rewarding tofor children
- if theyto concentrate
- on a particular
- due to expanding,this will expand the children's - and affecting to improvewill influence their achievement.

There you have it Aulia, I believe the above corrections will let you see that there is quiet a few enhancements to be done in your essay and I hope you follow through when you write your revision.

For future writing reference, make sure that you personally review your essay, not necessarily to critique your own work but to somehow see if you understand the overall concept of your work, because if you don't, then how can your readers understand it.

Undergraduate / Windows On Williams - My Community [3]

HI Harvey, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family. I hope you find this website to be helpful and credible towards the revision of your essays and also in discovering different writing techniques that will eventually hone your writing skills.

As I read through your essay, I must say, it was like reading the summary of your life. You started very smooth, or shall I say very soft, the fact that you manage to showcase a negative attribute of being a foreign kid into something positive, tells me that you are a person with perseverance, determination to make your dreams a reality.

Believe me, education is the best thing you can reward yourself and I'm not talking about the for corners of the classroom, take your neighborhood as an example, you have a lot of learning to take from your surroundings, this will not only guide you later on in life but will also give you that extra energy to be different and live on, regardless of the things going on around you. Overall, you were able to answer what is of the essay, furthermore, you created a different technique in approaching the essay. I wish to review more os your writing projects soon.

Writing Feedback / Mankind hinges today on the advancement of technology and most people are lost without it [3]

Hi Virel, indeed, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, I hope this is just the beginning of a great relationship that will help you achieve a better score in your writing projects. Below are some suggestions that will enhance your essay.

- our communicationthe way we communicate - and the way we makekeep and maintain relationshipsand maintain it .
- by spacious distance,
- staying connected
- can not afford and spending much moneyare able to save
- andas this development
- can beis extremely effective.

There you have it Virel, I hope the insights below are able to showcase the difference in your essay, may this be useful to your revision. For future writing reference, mind the flow of your ideas, there seem to be a confusion in the transition of your ideas, you have to make sure that the sentences coincide with the previous idea that you have established in the previous sentences as this affects the overall outcome of your essay.

Writing Feedback / Fewer languages in the world has its merits; How to write an opinion essay about languages? [3]

Hi Mansurbek, I would like to help by adding a few suggestions to the other half of your essay.

- The main reason is that technology will becomebecame easier.
-To illustrate this idea ,
- understands if one can
- buys an air conditioner
- given in english.As,as a result,
- he will face some problems
- how to suein using the air conditioner.

- a minor drawbacks .
- Firstly , learning a foreign
- now the general public
- Secondly,vereyevery nation has
- that is passed
- down from generations to generation.
- What I amI'm trying to
- be vanished .

- I suppose that there will
- be a fewer languages in the world .
- Since it helps to co-operateLearning a common language helps us communicate with foreigners
- without a translator
- to organize thiertheir businesses.

There you have it Mansurbek, I hope the insights helped and for future writing reference, mind the linking verbs you associate in your essay and make sure that this is the correct essay that is relevant to your essay.

Writing Feedback / Some people concede that life was superior in major avenues 100 years ago. [4]

Hi Azamat, below are my suggestions that will hopefully enhance your essay.

- of a century, the Earth
- According toAs for my perspective,
- essay wouldwill support this.

- has asizeablesizable - privileges compared to what it
- PrevailinglyWhat prevailed ,
- Now, peoplenow communicate
- inwith a fraction of a day.
- Further and even more significantly ,
- been being eliminated.
-Looked from this perceptionHaving said that , life is far better than it was a century ago.

There you have it Azamat, the suggestions above are made to create a difference in your essay and for you to see how else you can enhance essay. The fact that you explored on using different words only shows that you are experimenting in your writing skills and this is a very good skill to develop.

Writing Feedback / Should kids study a foreign language as early as possible? IELTS2 [7]

Hi Dicki, indeed, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, we hope that this is the start of our never ending service to you and providing you with the most accurate feedback in your writing projects.Having said that, please find my suggestions below;

- All cC hildren should study
- since in the earliest gradesas early as they can .
- should knows wellor learn their own language first.

- It is argued that studying a foreign language in the earliest grades help children to explore more.( you have used this sentence in the previous paragraph )

- This is because it will encourages children to find
- out further subject s
- refer from thein reference to their lessons.
- Forthe example,
- had a good skills as they challanges to try and applicate their skills practically. They will mades their friend as a skills rival, so there will be a challanges to be better. It is thus, children should learn the foreign language earlier.learn the basics of foreign language at an early age, having said that, they are also exposed to different challenges that provides them with much better advancement than their rival.

There you have it Dicki, overall, I would like to share that I don't doubt that you understand the prompt and you know how to answer it, however, this idea did not transpire in the essay, you have to focus on your tenses, word tenses affect the overall outcome of your sentences.

Scholarship / Why I feel that I deserve this scholarship (150 words) [9]

Hi Dennis, below are suggestions that will hopefully enhance your essay.

- I feel that Ibelieve I deserve this scholarship
- because I'm a very hardworking, self motivated,possess the drive, the determination and a
- disciplined person who takesaccepts given responsibilities and duties seriously.
- Also because ofCoupled with my academic
- inwith,
- which have taught meI learned to lend a

- I have been involvedam an active advocate ofwith

- I was a participantparticipated in the English
- program,. May I also notify that I am very activeas well as an active member
- in community work and frequently volunteering my time.

- Due to my mother's recent deathpassing to cancer,
- My main aim forin joining
- because of my academic achievements, community work, and dedication is far beyond the boundaries of aspiring excellent education . This I believe constitutes to the fulcrum of being a gooda deserving student.

There you ave it Dennis, my goal before I did the revision is to show you the possibilities of your essay when it is further revised.

I hope I was able to impart this goal and do let us know should you need further assistance.

Writing Feedback / Life in a small village makes people more enjoyable doing their daily activities than in a huge city [5]

Hi Puja, I hope my suggestions are not too late.

- One time, theFor once, majority
- of extraordinary communeof the people spent
- changeinfluenced ( I believe this is a more appropriate word to describe your idea )
- they just know a few among all of the communitiesbecause they are quiet ignorant or should I say innocent . - There are the merits and demerits of

- living in a small village andthat will be further discussed in this case.

- residents in a village
- lived more dependent onto one another.
- They usually did work together especially

- thethat people cannot access
- to enough infrastructure such

- public facilityinfrastructure and
- educational facility
- so that give more livabilityto sustain the living condition in the small village.

There you have it Puja, so far, your writing has improved from your previous projects, however, you still need to focus on constructing your sentences.

Scholarship / 'I thrived at my job'; How my program benefits me and I benefit it - scholarship essay [4]

Hi Karrin, indeed WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, just like you who aspire for excellence, us here on EF strive to provide you the most accurate and valuable modifications towards your essay. We collate all necessary aspects of the English language in order to showcase the possibilities of enhancing your essay.

Further to the enhancement of your essay, please find my help below;

- Once upon a time, I actually hadHonestly, I have no interest in getting a postgraduate degree.
* Once upon a time - is used in creative writing such as story telling, fables or fairy tales, in this formal essay, this particular phrase is not appropriate.

- My originalThe plan for academia
- wasis that I loved education
- and I wanted to continue on ,
- onin pursuing anything moremy education .
- suitedsuits me and helped me

There you have it Karrin, the above corrections are pretty minor, I believe the ideas you have has transpired in your essay. However, for future writing reference, mind the flow of your ideas, avoid cliché phrases or if you do make sure that they are appropriate and in conjunction to your sentence.

Undergraduate / I was not awarded the scholarship - I began to view myself as a failure... [10]

Hi Dennis, as I read your essay, I must say that failures are part of our daily lives and with this we have to stand and face the next day with pride and courage that the new day will bring us better chance at life.

I have seen may failures in life and people who learn from them are not only the best in their chosen fields but also the best resource person to help you get through another day.

Having said all this, please find a few additions and suggestions to your essay.

- Late 2014, I graduated from high school,
- In October of that same
- I came acrossalso found the MasterCard
- academically qualifiedqualificated
- but yethowever economically challenged
- Since I am economically challengedHaving this exact situation ,
- is a part ifof success.
- "lack ifof planning results in to failure".
- and weigh the outcomes .

There you have it Dennis, I hope the modifications above are helpful in your revision. For future writing reference, mind the constructions of your sentences, don't get me wrong, your writing approach is fair, however, the proper construction of ideas will further enhance your essay.

Writing Feedback / Debate about whether to teach children competitiveness or create a spirit of cooperation in them [4]

HI Tran, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, we hope you find this website credible, useful as well as helpful addition in your writing projects. We strive to provide you with the most accurate and objective criticisms in your essay.

Now, what I notice in your essay, is the fact that you didn't write it in formal way, no capitalization, mind that when you post your essay here on EF, you have to treat it like submitting to the panel already. However, I understand that this is your first post on EF, now you know what to do next. I would also like to stress that in this type of essay, you can create a maximum of 3 paragraphs, this should suffice the needed information in your essay.

Below are my suggestions for your essay.

-requires us-candidates- to constantly
- compete with each others .
- and provokedencourage their potentials.
- the most major benefit of competition
- is that,the kids can explore
- enormously with their abilities to achieve
- their greatest resultspotential .
- A competitive child could also
- be exposed to both a challenge and
- a motivation to keep
- them hard- working hard to attain their own goals.

There you have it Tran, I hope the suggestions above helps in your revision. The idea you are trying to impart in your essay is very current, indeed, children this days should be exposed to different aspects of life in order for the to get better later on in life.

Undergraduate / Pursuing a Diploma of Leadership and Management course in Canterbury Technical Institute, Australia [4]

Hi Laura, we are always glad to help you out in your essay and it's good to know that you appreciate the little help that we contribute.

What I noticed as well in your essay, is the fact that, you have the ideas in your head but you are having a hard time expressing it in the essay, especially as it is in the English language, what I suggest for you to do is to keep practicing, speaking and reading in English, daily use of the language will definitely help you in your future writing. Reading English material, books, magazines and any literature will also increase your vocabulary and this is very crucial in your future writing projects.

Now, when it come to your concern on the additional points of the essay, below are my suggestions.

As they are entrepreneurs by nature, my parents always have my back, they support me with all my future endeavors...

Also, the corrections I made, are focused on the last paragraph, I believe this is where you need the most changes or modification in your essay. I hope this helps in your revision.

Scholarship / Friend, I am leaving to Mars next month, and I need your help. [5]

Hi Juan, no worries at all, we are always here to help you with all your writing projects, no matter what your needs are, we are here for you and we will continue providing you the most accurate and constructive criticisms.

What I love about your writing technique is that, you see to it that you adhere to the instructions given or asked of the prompt. A good example is this recent essay that you have, the prompt ask for yo to answer it in a creative way and you delivered, it also asked to highlight a particular subject that should be observed in your essay and once again, you delivered.

For your future reference, create a consistency in your essays substance or sense, this is attained by making sure that, as you always do, you develop a free and smooth flow of your ideas as well that creative effort without compromising the purpose of your essay.

'til your next writing project, we are here to review and provide you with the most valuable advise.

Scholarship / Difference in my personal life is my dream and new career-ENDEAVOUR SCHOLARSHIP ENTRY [7]

Hi Alima, indeed, there's no harm in trying, however, apart from trying hard you have to give it your best as well in answering the questions. One trick that I did before, in order to understand the question, use Google translate, this will allow you not only to understand the question but also see how the words come together in a foreign language.

You also don't have to worry about coming up with a weak answer, this doesn't mean that you are weak too, this just means that you are trying your hardest and in order to express yourself and make your ideas known to the purpose of your essay.

Furthermore, English is not our mother tongue and its just acceptable that you are not that fluent in the language, as they always say, practice makes perfect and this is absolutely true and effective. Just to share with you, I started practicing the language long before I mastered our own dialect and this helped me well through out the days of my adulthood and paved the way in achieving greater heights in life and if this happened to me, it will come to you too.

I hope to review more of your essays and writing projects soon, keep writing and the best of luck in your application.

Writing Feedback / "teaching children at home is best for a child's development" - do you agree with this statement? [3]

Hi Vadim, below are my observations on your essay;

- the length and physical presentation of the essay is just right to the needed length of the writing project

- you manage to create relevance on the argument presented, what I like about the essay is the fact that you cited the advantage and the disadvantages of the situations and this is the right approach in creating an argument

- the words and overall sentence construction in your essay us equipped with ideas that answers what is asked if the prompt

Lastly, as a reader/ reviewer, I felt your personality in writing this essay, somehow, I believe you are not only writing but you also feel the plight of the parents in raising kids and I know you aim for their welfare. On another note, "On the one hand ", should be " On the other hand", and refrain from beginning you sentence with cliché sentences or phrases rather, you can do this if it's according to the idea or followed by an explanation.

Writing Feedback / Information about the comparison density in several areas from 1900 to 2000. [4]

Hi Putu, as I review your analysis, I must say you were able to explain the date presented in the charts, one thing to consider in explaining the given chart is by understanding the purpose of the charts and making sure that you provide a thorough information from the beginning of the analysis 'til the last part.

What I also like in your analysis is the uniformity of information, the unit of measurement is observed all throughout the analysis. However, when you revise the analysis, I hope you consider adding a few creative remarks towards rhe end of the writing in order to create ease in reading and understanding of what seemed like a very complicated chart.

I hope my insights helped and remember to keep an accurate analysis at all times, this will ensure your readers that you yourself understand the chart and knows exactly how to explain it further if any questions arise. Presenting the chart will also need a little research on the current standing of the subject towards current events, this will add personality and substance in your writing.

Writing Feedback / Total percentage of children ever born to older women aged from 40 until 44 years in Australia [2]

Hi Rahmi, below is my take on your analysis.

- in Australian for 4 different years infrom 1981,
- givesalso provides information

- Overall, the figure for women having givengiving birth to two
- duringfor four years.
- In the meantime,
- calculated children who were born of women were the lowest at 7.6 percent in 1981.- I'm not sure what you mean in this part of the analysis.

- rose slightly rose and reached at 9.7 percent.
- Furthermore, the women with one child

There you have it Rahmi, overall, I must say that the analysis is qiet confusing, I believe this is due to the fact that you focused on the figures you presented on the essay and not necessarily on explaining what is presented in the table. For future writing reference, mind the purpose of your writing project, if it's an analysis, the data and the explanation should be prompt and accurate, if it's an essay, it's a totally different approach.

Writing Feedback / It is not necessary to attach the teacher's payment to the student's learning capacity [3]

Hi Bidhan, I would like to contribute in the enhancement of your essay.
I focused on the last 2 paragraphs of the essay as I believe this is where you need the most help.

- takingimposing more tuition
- upper economic statusclass students
- but the lower classeconomic status
- students might be forced
- to discontinuestop their education
- stable and, with the increased
- fee he is forced to quit his current institution and look for alternativestudies
- hereand the institute lose
- a bright student,andlater on, the student
- might not find quality education as he was getting .

- to attachbase the teacher's payment
- SoTherefore, I strongly disagree that teachers

There you have it Bidhan, I hope the corrections are useful towards the revision of your essay and while you're at it, make sure to consider the language rules such as subject verb agreement as well as avoiding the use of the same words or phrases throughout the essay.

Scholarship / Friend, I am leaving to Mars next month, and I need your help. [5]

Hi Juan, first of all, I loved reading your essay, it's not only futuristic but also very possible to take effect in the near future.

What's more interesting is that. the writing is very creative, you approached the essay in a way that the reader will think and question the logic of the essay, in the end, the reader will then realize that it is a backward approach or back to the future effect just like the movies.

Overall, I believe the essay is fairly written. you manage to come up with a unique approach in writing following what was suggested in the prompt. Also, you made sure that, from the beginning of the essay all through out the rest of the paper, you are able to smoothly transitioned your ideas. Furthermore, you delivered the creative attributes in writing.

However, the grammar can still be polished and I can see that you received necessary modifications on this part of the essay too.
For future writing reference, mind the constructions of your ideas, sometimes we are so immersed in our writing that we just write without properly checking our sentences construction.

Scholarship / Difference in my personal life is my dream and new career-ENDEAVOUR SCHOLARSHIP ENTRY [7]

Hi Alima, below are the modifications for the following essay.

Please provide details of how your proposed programme would further your academic and/or professional career. (200 words)

- degree studying a Bachelor of
- I have a real passion for art
- and build toin my country.

- If I have given anGiven the opportunity
- the development of my countryfield through advanced
- It wouldThis will enable me to provide me a new
- career and a chance to engage toin programs
- much more bigger that would benefit my country
- such as the Traffic Control System App and other morethe likes .

There you have it Alima, the corrections above are focused on the proper words to be used in your sentences as well as the appropriate tenses of the words in order to create a stronger essay. I also want to stress that, with this study, refrain from aiming for your country's welfare, remember, you can only do so much as an individual, having said that, you have to focus on your achievements first before the welfare of your country.

Writing Feedback / Mining is tearing up our environment! [4]

Hi Katelyn, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, it's overwhelming to WELCOME yet another member of the EF family.
We strive to provide you with the most accurate and effective feedback in order to create a well written essay with a strong substance and the right writing technique.

Now, as I read through your essay, I must say this is a form of research paper, correct me if I'm wrong, but with its length as well as the information provided, I believe you are writing a research paper. Having said that, a research paper needs the following paragraphs;

- introduction, this part will tackle the meaning and the basic information towards the research or study, you will talk about the background of your study in order to prepare your reader on what to expect in your case study

- the body of the research, this is where you discuss the findings, observations, data gathered and all the relevant current events that is necessary to the development of your study.

- the final paragraph, this will be your conclusion, the paragraph should showcase the answer to the question, What does mining do to the environment?, pretty much a summary of your study

Last but not the least, a short or couple of sentences that includes your personal opinion to the task or the case study at hand. This sentences will add personality to your paper. Also, the citations should be written side by side the information that is drawn from your source, this way you are able to ensure your readers that you have a credible source.

Overall, the paper is written fairly well, however, it does not have the right format to be considered a formal writing or a research paper per say. I believe a proper grouping of your ideas into paragraphs will create a better outcome of your research.