Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: A Letter to a friend in an English speaking country [8]


Well, you are asked to deal with -


So this para needs to be focused on that;
First, I need to get your advice on the duration of my stay with you. My vacation runs for six moths starting from the 1st April to 31st October. However, I would like to stay at your place for five moths, which is form April to September, if you feel that is appropriate. Please let me know if you have any concerns regarding this arrangement. Please suggest me should I need to make any alterations in this plan.

Writing Feedback / Ielts test task 2: Air transportation for fruits and vegetables [5]

I think you write extremely well. Excellent grammar, sentences, vocabulary and ideas. It is only that you need to pay attention to the essay structure which would help you earn a real good score for this task while helping you manage time. ( I think you should pay attention to what dumi has suggested above for your introduction.) Below I give the overall essay structure she suggests for this task.

You need to complete this task within the allocated time.

Undergraduate / Diversity, social opportunities, culture, learning environmen- U MICHIGAN - ANN ARBOR [3]

Because, that's where the competition is at


This is not very clear to me :( Is it that you perceive competition as a mandatory requirement for a quality education ?


They require students to compete not only with them, but also with each other. However, they would always extend their support and assistance when students need them.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : The main function of a university [4]

Well, it is very difficult to identify how many body paras you have included in this essay :( They all come in one bunch. So, I feel you need to pay more attention to your essay structure and its presentation as well.

Writing Feedback / University plays a responsibility to deliver knowledge which is useful in the workplace [3]


Dear friend, your essay lacks good alignment with your prompt and hence we feel as if you are going out of topic. In the body paragraphs you should talk about what the university's main function should be. Is it delivering subject knowledge or preparing students for their careers with such knowledge and skills? You give more focus to the students' reasons for attending uni and not on that aspect. That's why dumi's telling you that you've gone out of topic.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: People with Certain Talent VS Not Having a Certain Talent [4]


Well, you need to introduce the issue in the introduction and that is very very important. You don't have to elaborate a lot on it, but it should be read very clear to the reader what the issue is about. It does not happen in your essay;



Ok, let me help you with this :)


The inborn talents are a must for one to be successful in fields like music, art, sports etc. Without them it is unlikely that a person can reach the real heights in such fields. For example, the success story behind Cristian Ranaldo, the famous Portuguese soccer player is mostly due to his born talents though his hard work and training have helped him sharpen his skills.

Writing Feedback / The two maps below show an island, before and after the construction of some tourist facil [3]

She has suggested you this structure in view of helping you to earn a good score at IELTS. I think it is a very logical and effective structure that would prepare you well for taking up this task at the exam. It's worth following her suggestion!


Yes, but your overview contain details which is not appropriate. Details should be shifted to the next paragraph which is meant for discussing trends with the support of more details.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Some educationalists argue about arts-based subject. [5]


For me, this is still confusing and less meaningful. It's still very difficult to capture your idea. Why don't you write a simple sentence which is more clear and interesting?


You have the tendency to present your ideas in very complex sentences that would result in harming the clarity of your sentences :( I feel you need to work on this issue very seriously. Clarity is much more important than anything else in essay writing.

Writing Feedback / IELTS:become a huge ordeal; Children learning foreign language in primary school [6]


It is not only about traveling around the world, it is also about doing business with other countries, studying abroad etc. that require communication between nations. This is a good sentence, but it would have been nicer if you broadened its scope.

Writing Feedback / IETLS; Agree or Disagree on every year several languages die out? [5]

Well, everybody's pointing that your structure needs improvement and I too agree with them and their suggestions.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] The traditional skills and ways of life dying out. [8]

For example, because Vietnam handicrafts are produced traditionallyusing traditional methods,andthey are different and unique from modern productions.to each other,Therefore they sell well in Europe which is considered a highly demanding market.have a good demand from European markets.


... your two ideas not connected well here;
Secondly, traditional skills and lifestyles may influence the development of a nation if the youth is knowledgeable about them and admire such national inheritance.

Undergraduate / LGBT. The communities you belong to. Michigan Ann Arbor [3]


I think you need to be a bit more elaboration here. It is not clear what sort of minorities you talk about and how those contacts did happen. I guess you talk about the minorities with different sexual orientations. However, you better present this idea more lively, may be through an experience you had. Your answer contains lots of information, but lacks emotional appeal in its presentation. If you work on that this would be a great answer.

Dissertations / Ph.d on the following corporate governance, corporate social responsibilty , business [8]

Well, I am not a business or a management guy. But these are the few questions I get to my head :D
How csr can help building brand image of a company?
How would those csr efforts affect the employees of the organization?
It's significance on the development of its particular industry
What could be the Financial gains and losses?

Undergraduate / 'In Bangladesh...' UofM Essay#1 Everyone belongs to many different communities... [4]


.... you mean people share religion? That sounds a bit awkward. I think people share certain beliefs and traditions, but sharing religion sounds a bit impractical. Bangla is predominantly a Muslim country having small communities of Hindu, Buddhist and Christian people. Do you mean Hindus, Buddhists and Christians share the religion of Islam? Or do you mean that all these people share common traditions and live in peace and harmony while respecting each other?

Writing Feedback / IELTS- Number of visits to the two new music sites - fifteen days period [3]

Where is the graph? It's good to have it for us to have a look at before making comments on your writing. Use "Attach file(s)" feature in the Message block to upload your graph,

You need to improve the structure for this task. This is the out line;
1. Introduce the graph
2. Write an Overview ( just main observations without any details like data)
3. Details

Writing Feedback / IELTS ( TASK 1 ) Expenditure on Health & Education , UAE as % of GDP [5]


This statement seems to be a bit too compact. Have two sentences, one that describes the main observation in child mortality and life expectancy and the other to tell about expenditure on health and education. Overview statement should be brief, but at the same time it should provide the reader and outline idea of what these graphical presentation is all about. Don't cram everything into one sentence. There is no harm in having one to three sentences for your overview.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2:How technology has changed the way people interact?Advantages/Disadvantages. [3]

Let's check this intro with dumi's suggested structure;
With the advancement in the field of communication technology and IT sector, we now can interact with people all around the world more efficiently and conveniently. ... good hook


This background part has some issues. Your topic says;
...

So you need to introduce this same background to the reader by paraphrasing your prompt. The above background you have written does not cover everything what your prompt talks about.

Writing Feedback / Robert Pattinson is for me the best actor around the world [5]


This sentence is way too long and cramped up with so many ideas. So this lacks good presentation. Make shorter sentences each having one idea per sentence. When the sentences are too long you tend to get carried away at the end of the sentence.


It was Robert Pattinson's acting that got me to like him and the Twilight movie.
DuringWhile watching the film I wanted to be a partner of Robert and I want this now too. ... what do you mean by this latter part?

Writing Feedback / IELTS task2 : People reluctant to changes. What are the issues and possible solutions? [2]

Journey of life is generally a collection of inevitable changes in which people happen to face both positive and negative trendsoutcomes.
Very good hook :) As usual :D


I notice that many students fear using some key words that appear in the prompt. So they keep replacing those words with synonyms. This may work at times , but in most cases it fails. My advice for you is to don't be afraid to have a few words that are contained in the prompt, but make sure you rephrase it to give an overall different effect, :D

Scholarship / Telecommunications engineering - Motivation for Erasmus mundus [2]


... this needs rephrasing. Pretty confusing :(
I wish to gain an advance training in various applied telecommunication fields... I think this is what you meant by the above sentence.


I believe this advance training would enable me to realize this dream of mine.


it will equip me with the right set of skills

Writing Feedback / Children under drug influences and solutions [4]


However, youngsters would always have harmful effects from drugs be them direct or indirect.


Parents being drug addicts is not always the only reason as to why children get into this habit when they are grown ups. There can be several other causes for this phenomenon.


The strategies to arrest the level of drug use by young people need the support of authorities or the youth alone.

Writing Feedback / The ocean is much like a woman; Descriptive piece about the ocean- 10 high level English [3]


....LOL .... you are a guy, for sure :D


her mood depends on many factors.


.... I don't get this second half clearly :(


She is a split character


.... typo?


Well, I'd like to give you another point here -
The change of color of the ocean is dependent on the sunlight. Brighter the sun, brighter and prettier the ocean. So, you can compare sun to the man and apply this same theory on woman :D

I enjoyed reading this essay. Impressive :)

Writing Feedback / Hello! I am studying in class 7 I want to improve my English help me. [6]


- careful is one word.


Working at computers all day long may weaken your eye site.


This is not a disadvantage of computers. You need to have a proper backing up system. This is the same case with hard copies too and that's why people keep duplicate hard copies. However, you can talk about children's addiction to computer games, distancing of people's physical interactions etc. as its disadvantages.

Writing Feedback / Some people believe in the traditional idea that the woman's place is in the home [2]


Woman is the live wire of every person's life. She could be one's mother, sister, daughter, wife or friend, yet her influence would be tremendous in one's success.

Now introduce the argument to the reader. It is a mandatory feature in your introduction.
However, conservative thinkers claim that woman's place in society should be limited to her home. Others argue it is wrong and she is capable of holding more advance responsibilities in society.

Writing Feedback / Road accidents claim too many lives. What can governments and individuals do to reduce it? [9]

I think you have writing skills. Your structure seems to be very good and your vocabulary, ideas, sentences all look very good. Is this for IELTS or TOEFL? If so, you might have to be concerned about the time factor. Had you managed time well then no issue at all. Otherwise try to squeeze your paragraph size a bit and practice more essays with time :)

Good job!

Writing Feedback / Is it true that people's worth is related to their social status and material possessions? [7]


In the past, the more good qualities that a person had the more he or she was appreciated.


I don't think this is a convincing example. Not all kings were fair and also not all of them treated good people well. For example, Shajahan the Mogul king said to have cut the hands off of the architect who designed Taj Mahal. I don't think it's a very unfair thing to do. When you provide examples they need to be more specific and convincing. That's the whole purpose of supporting your reasons with examples.

Writing Feedback / People rely more on technology to solve problems impacting ability of humans to thinking. [3]

I guess you prepare yourself for TOEFL ore IELTS. If so follow this structure which dumi suggests for the introduction of this task;

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : Televisions are the most favorite media for comunicating [8]

Yes, this is what dumi often suggests for the introduction of this task and I think it is a very logical approach that helps you earn marks and manage your time effectively. Re-write your introduction following this structure.


It is always better that you clearly state your opinion in the last sentence of your introduction. The part I highlighted above really does not contribute much for your essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 - information on the ages of the populations of Yemen and Italy [4]


Welcome you to our EF! :) This is indeed a good place to get help and offer help :)
Let's see how I can help you with your essay;


... why do you open with inverted commas? This is the structure I suggest you to follow for this task;
There are three basic things you need to structure an IELTS writing task 1.
1. Introduce the graph
2. Give an overview
3. Give the detail

Writing Feedback / IELTS [TASK 2] alternatives to fossil fuels [3]

You need to pay attention to your essay structure. Your introduction should contain certain features in order to earn marks.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Erosion of a headland [3]


The diagram illustrates the stages of erosion of a headland, the area of hard rock that juts out to the sea.


... this task is to assess your report writing skills. Therefore adopt a more formal tone that is appropriate for reporting facts.

Writing Feedback / IELTS : Space Exploration - More to do with national pride than international effort? [3]


I don't find much relevance of this idea to your topic. Start with a more interesting hook that has better relevance to your topic.


... It is nicer if you concluded your introduction by expressing your opinion. This sentence does not add much value to your essay. This may be good for a speech, but not for this writing task.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : Some modern artists receive huge sums of money for the things they create. [5]


Well, dumi's suggestion for introduction structure is very logical and contain all the features for you to earn marks easily. Hook is not always a must, but it helps you impress the reader and grabs his attention to your writing. However, the background and your opinion should be mandatory features in your intro. It is always good to finish your introduction with a statement expressing your opinion in this type of Agree/ Disagree essays.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: Information Technology in Human's Life [7]

Okkk ... then you should have said it with more clarity. This explanation itself sounds much better than that sentence. It's important to note that clarity of your sentences play a bigger role in impressing your reader than vocabulary or complex sentence structures.


In this essay you need to tackle the point that


You need to give points that answers this question in your body paragraphs. You should pay attention to your essay structure more!

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : Some modern artists receive huge sums of money for the things they create. [5]


... this has a grammar issue :(
If you start with the phrase, "According to Gordon M Smith" then you have to say something like;
According to Gordon M Smith, the reasons for their success vary among different artists.
Also, I don't find this is a meaningful beginning for your essay. What does it really mean? What is the relevance of that sentence to your topic?

Graduate / SOP-Msc. Business System Analysis and Design. [6]

after which I moved to India for my under graduationbachelors.
Well, in a SOP you need to talk about passion in the field. Tell them how it grew and nurtured, what you did in view of pursuing it etc. I find you have talked less about that aspect. Also, the SOP should be presented more creatively in order to stand out the hundreds of other SOPs. It is the first and most important opportunity you get to introduce yourself to them as a person. So cut down descriptive details on technical things like your list of qualifications, credentials etc. of which you talk about in other parts of the application. Give more focus to convince them that you are really interested in pursuing this program and it's going to help you achieve your goals.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: Information Technology in Human's Life [7]


... this part is confusing. You need to improve clarity for the reader to understand your idea. What do you mean here?


This topic is actually does not sound an issue topic. It asks you to analyse advantages against disadvantages. I think you should preserve the mood of the topic in your essay. These IELTS essays can have a very similar structure for different topics, but one straight fit might not work for every topic. You need to introduce those little changes as and when it is necessary.

Scholarship / Internship Application Essay for Smithsonian Museum [2]


I think it is better if you talked through some evidence rather than comparing yourself with your classmates. If you say that you were born with an aptitude for science and math, tell them some events or incidents that help them realize that you have that inborn talent.

But I sense that thatit is not the person you are seeking, because science does not require you to be smart, but instead requires a person to have curiosity and critical thinking, the light and the lighthouse, respectively.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Species extinctions and the threats to plant life in tropical forests [3]

Very good introduction :)
Very good overview too :) Let's see how you tackle the detail section :D


This task is aimed at assessing your report writing skills so that it should deliver information in a more reporting tone. I suggest you to avoid phrases like "First in all", "To begin with" etc.

However, this is really good writing and you also follow a very good approach for your essay structure too.

Writing Feedback / The given chart compares the amount of sales taking different products: games software, DVD and CDs [6]

good introduction :)

.... Overview should not contain data. So, you could have taken off "2003-2000"
You do not discuss details in the overview, but only the main trends and observations. Then you can move into body paragraphs to discuss the details. It is good to have about two paras that discuss similarities and differences of the trends.