Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 Bar graph about percentage of men and women doing exercise systematically [3]

Hi, I think writing more than 200 words is fine and is probably necessary to provide enough detail to get a top score. I agree that trend and fluctuations really only makes sense when talking about changes over time, not in a static context like this. Overall, your report seemed difficult to understand with many confusing sentences. Here are some specific suggestions:

of Australian [men and women] [ in six different age groups] who ... on a regular basis in six different age groups in the year 2010.

Overall, [males] tended to show more interests in older age groups, {this is confusing and I think incorrect - what do you mean? The youngest group of men exercised the most. }

... showed some variations [in] taking part [in] regular exercise

[Males] aged 15-24 ... accounted for 52.8%, {this is incorrect - only use "accounted for" when you are talking about a total of 100% which is made up of various percentages - like "apples accounted for 33% of all the fruit sold"} which was more than a half, being higher

However, the interest showed [ a] downward trend, {I would only use "trend" for data that changes over time, which is not really the case here} occupied 42.2% ...

The youngest female group comprised 47.7%, {47.7% of what? this is unclear to me}

The difference of level (...) age between 25 and 65 and over. {this whole paragraph could be more clear. Maybe "In every age group apart from the youngest, women pursued regular exercise at a higher rate than men."

(210)

Question: upward trend, fluctuations these are only able to use when comparing periods? And is it okay to write more than 200 words in Task1?
I am an absolute beginner of Ielts so there might be a lot of mistakes also grammar as well. I will be very happy if you can give me any advise, even small grammar mistakes. :)))

Writing Feedback / The great advertising affects people's willing of purchasing - Ielts work [5]

Hi LucyLucy, I am glad my comments were helpful. I liked your revision, you have some creative ideas. I think a stronger thesis statement would help - you need to stress that the high sales are driven by real psychological needs that advertisers simply accentuate. You also need to make sure you answer the explicit question given "to what extent do you agree?". Also, your introduction and conclusion are too short. It is important to make sure each paragraph has at least three sentences. Finally, a good topic sentence should give the main topic of its paragraph. See my comments about yours below:

It is true that great [outstanding] {never pass up an opportunity to show off your vocabulary} advertising

agree that advertising [ignores] the real social [needs] {I think people must have more than one need} of the public.

A sense of belonging is very important ... {I think your topic sentence needs to be broader. Your topic sentence should summarize the main point of the paragraph - here your main point is, "often social factors play the key role in the consumption of trendy products "}

important to human, {it would be "humans", but generally only use humans when talking about biology or comparing humans to animals. Here you could say "important to every member or society"} especially to the teenagers.

... buy the products [that] their peers [already have] have already had ones, {or better, "peers have previously purchased" to emphasize that they are following a trend} such as

plays an important role in [the widespread demand for] fancy goods

Take bags for example[;] the function

buy a Gucci bag than simply buy [an off-brand] one on the streets.

a symbol [that] shows

The cost of ... buses or TV programs. {once again, I think a more effective topic sentence would make your argument more clear. This seems like an abrupt shift that does not clearly connect with the previous paragraph. Maybe something like "Savvy advertisers are well-versed in these psychological needs that play such a key role in purchasing decisions and tap into them when crafting their messages."}

popular among their friends if putting on that products. {"if putting on that products" sounds awkward}

In conclusion, instead of ignoring [them], successful advertising catches {"acknowledges" might be better, or "highlights"} people's real social needs,

Writing Feedback / The great advertising affects people's willing of purchasing - Ielts work [5]

Hi, your writing is well-organized and you obviously have a pretty good command of English. That being said, I don't think you have addressed the prompt as directly as you should have. The prompt talks about "popular consumer goods" - I am thinking Iphones, Levi's jeans, Gucci bags, and whatever else is in style these days (sorry, I am old). So what explains the popularity of these consumer goods? Is it advertising? It is that people really need Gucci bags? So these are the types of questions I would expect your essay to answer. You have written about the benefits and limitations of advertising, which is pretty close to the topic presented, but I don't think it is exactly spot-on. Here are some specific suggestions I would make for your usage:

It is true that great advertising might affect people's [willingness to purchase products].

the content of a product {"the content of a product" sounds a bit odd to me}

the experiences of using {I would add an object here - maybe "product" or "item" or just "it" } without

even [though] they have never [used] it before.

time and money [spent trying] different products

advertisements on TV, on [roadside billboards] or in the newspaper.

advertisements because of [their] limited [budgets].

a few people might [impulsively buy] things

yet most of people are rational.

enlarge their [shopping list], but [will] not alter the decision to buy

shopping behavior is that most of people simply regard

advertisements as the [entertainment] {entertainment is uncountable}

advertising might [have] the chance to

Essays / I need help with writing a dramatic monologue, I'm desperate. The Crucible character [2]

I think a good idea would be for either Tituba or Sarah Good to have a monologue while they are moving to the other cell in Act 4. Poor Tituba of course gets accused first - racism is a founding principle of the USA and of course predates it by hundreds of years, as is seen here. You could really tie this into some current events if you wish. Sarah Good would be a completely different angle. She just seems to be along for the ride and if she can just get another swig of cider, thing may turn out ok - lots of opportunity for some dark humor in a monologue for her I think.

Writing Feedback / When people fail at schools, it doesn't mean that they miss a chance to reach success in the future [3]

Hi, I don't think your essay addressed the prompt very well. The first part of the question is why do some people who fail in school end up doing so well? The classic example is Bill Gates, who dropped out of college, but became very successful. You seemed to focus on the employers instead of the success stories. Nobody even hired Bill Gates, so employers are not necessarily relevant. The second part wants you to discuss what is the most important characteristic a person needs to succeed in life. Instead you wrote about how someone should define success. Maybe you could mention that very briefly to define the terms you are using, but I think you misread the prompt since you did not discuss the actual factor or characteristic that most determine success. Here are some specific usage suggestions:

In our academic stage {"academic stage" sounds a bit odd - maybe "academic years" or "academic career"}

the academic [results were] so important

affects the salary scale what we have

when we follow the pace of our growth and {"follow the pace of our growth" sounds vague - what exactly do you mean?}

asked by our young. {"young" as a noun is really only used to refer to young animals}

In this essay, I would like to make some analysis to explain the reason what is going on. {I think this thesis statement is pretty weak. A thesis statement should be able to stand on its own and give a succinct summary of your entire argument, but this does neither}

First of all, academic [results] and

and workers depend [on various aspects of] their workplace,

discipline and [so] on.

reflects how hard [working] and smart the candidates

tell what attitude and harmony they [have].

Furthermore, the graduates [who] came from t

need to be further [trained and supported].

The employed company [that hired them is] required to spend

even if the [new employee was a] 1st class honor student

be a portion to weigh the availability of the employees. {"availability" is not the right word here - I'm not exactly sure what you mean}

To discuss the [factors] {try to avoid using "things" in a formal essay. It sounds vague and usually means you could not come up with a better word} influencing success

define success [as] how rich you are

I would like to introduce which should be reinforced on the foundation of basic economy and money. {this is confusing to me- maybe you mean {which additional aspects should build on the foundation ..."}

take care [of] your family [members] as well as yourself.

lifestyle and career [your only] desire?

If we can gain [satisfaction] in terms of achievement

If we can comply what we thought and action, {this clause is incorrect and confusing}

feeling free to [play] some sports

may be another [key] success in our life.

To be honest, ... step by step to complete each one. {this sentence was confusing - are you saying for some people, they feel like they have to generate a list and check of the boxes? Or is this true for everybody, but the checklist will be different for each person?}

In conclusion, [people's failure] in school

The most important thing [is] to succeed

goals and satisfaction [are] in life.

Writing Feedback / Loan for a music club [GRE Argument] I am new to GRE and need help on AWA writing [3]

Hi, I think you are on the right track, but you might have ignored a view possible avenues of discussion. In talking about the distant club, no evidence is presented that any Monroe residents actually go to this club. This is something you have mistakenly assumed. Instead, it would be good to know the number of Monroe residents, if any, who make the trip. Secondly, you don't discuss the fact that several jazz musicians live in Monroe. You could say how that is not necessarily relevant, since these musicians might prefer to see other types of music when they are not working and may be on tour for long periods of the year. You also ignored the radio program information. One point might be that if all the jazz fans in town listen to this program at 7PM every weeknight, they may not want to go to a possible jazz club because that would mean they would have to miss their radio show. As for the jazz festival, I would be interested to know how many of the 100,000 attendees actually live in Monroe. If the vast majority of festival attendees are from out of town, then the big turnout may have no bearing on the possible success of a jazz club. Finally, I would be interested in a more specific breakdown of the average of $1000 spent by jazz fans. Perhaps most of this money is spent on albums or cds, or in travel to distant jazz festivals. The only pertinent information would be the amount spent going to jazz clubs, but this information is not given. In addition, as you allude to, the only valuable information such a survey could provide is of the buying habits of the local populace. Hopefully this is helpful, Here are some grammar changes I would suggest.

the evidence [supporting] the claim is not sufficient.

Monroe, he might [be] used to [driving] his car,

provide evidence [as] to why

An annual jazz festival is also be mentioned.

Yet [although] so many people [came]here for the festival last summer[, it] does not mean

in order to know that whether the number of people

to make the claim more strengthen the argument.

Moreover, a worldwide {it said "nationwide", not worldwide} study shows

should also be indicated as an evidence to know.

How [was] the expenditure be calculated?

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing part2, congestion and traffic jams are a common and major problem in most cities. [7]

@macbz

Yes, "civic" is generally an adjective. "Civics" is the study of government and how it relates to society. So you can say "society", "the citizenry", among others.

Scholarship / Major choice - to gain valuable training and obtain access to a wider range of possibilities [5]

Hi Snow_lilac, your English is not very good, so it made your essay pretty difficult to understand. I think you have some good ideas though and have explained why you want to major in chemical engineering. I would not mention that you found two majors that you like, because that is a little confusing. I guess the two majors were chemistry and chemical engineering? In any case, you should really just focus on the one major you chose. The educational goals you want to accomplish seem pretty scattered - inventing better laundry detergents and gasoline substitutes? As someone just entering college, I don't know if you can be expected to have extremely specific goals - maybe stress that chemical engineering is such a vast field that there are many opportunities to help the world, and then you can give these as examples. I think you also need to go into a little more detail about the science courses that have made it clear that you have made the right decision as to your major. Your career goals are also extremely vague - all I see is that you want to work in the petrochemical industry and share your experiences with other deaf people. Try to look forward 10 years and imagine exactly what you would like to be doing. In any case, once you get more specific details in your answer, make sure to get it checked for grammar, because as it is written, there are many errors that I think might remove you from contention.

Writing Feedback / You have decided to resign from your work in order to try a new field. [4]

At first I thought you had forgotten a main point of the prompt by not including the reason for your departure. Now I see that you did include one, but it seems very vague. I would suggest giving a bit more detail as to how you will "explore the unknown" Your writing sounds very natural; I enjoyed your letter, but you do have a few errors including some sentence fragments. Here are some specific suggestions:

Looking it back at these five years,

has taught me so much more than I could ever imagine {or "so much that I could never have imagined"}

ever imagine, such as {"Such as ... clients" is not a complete sentence on its own}

that make me become a better decision {or "that have made me become a better"}

maker or assist in dealing with different {your "or" did not have a parallel structure}

different characteristic clients {this is vague to me - do you mean "different types of clients"?}

company policy that its letter of recommendation

work performance, as it is {"As it is ...career goal." is not a complete sentence}

Undergraduate / A woman interested in pursuing a career in biomedical engineering [3]

Hi, I think it is fine to write about gender, especially since Georgia Tech's programs for female engineers are a main reason you are applying. I think for such a limited number of words (I think 100 max, right?) you are too wordy. You need to be concise and get to the point much sooner. Partially because of this, you really only mention one reason - the Women in Engineering program. I would definitely mention the undergrad research opportunities as well, and ideally, I would expect to see three solid reasons, so look for one more. Of course, to do this, you will definitely have to be much more economical with your words.

Writing Feedback / Is government responsible for child obesity? The positive intervention would be beneficial. [9]

Hi, I don't think your essay had a very effective structure. You did not really have a clear thesis statement until your very last sentence. And throughout the essay, you don't really spend much time explaining why the government should be responsible for reducing childhood obesity. Your whole first paragraph is about how obesity is a problem, but that does not really have much to do with who is responsible for solving it. I mean, you could have used the growth of obesity as a reason why government must step in, but didn't really make that connection clear apart from a somewhat wishy-washy sentence at the end of the paragraph. Then your second paragraph focuses on possible solutions to obesity, but once more you do not really go into much detail about whose responsibility it is to implement those solutions. Here are some other suggestions:

right now, or at least its scope and gravity, could not have been imagined ...

For the most time major portion of the human history,

that a substantial and hearty dinner

average and small incomes are much more likely

situation is that a nowadays a wealthy ...

cheap saturated food. {"saturated food" is incorrect, although there is saturated fat}

developed special government programmes

the person's health if followed for a reasonable ...

unwittingly ignore healthy lifestyles and endanger themselves

whole, which could save up money spent on public health care.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Academic Writing Task 1: Bar Chart 1(Car Trips Taken by Men and Women) [5]

I'm glad my feedback was helpful, you are very welcome.

For your first sentence, maybe:

"The maximum difference in the percentage of car outings made by male and female drivers was for work and shopping, with each category showing a gender differential of around 10%."

I think "differential" is a great word to incorporate in your vocabulary, or at least bring more to the front, as I bet you are already familiar with it.

For your second sentence I might recommend:

"With regards to driving for work purposes, this function represented more or less half of the total trips for both men and women."

But to me this is not really factually accurate, as I would not consider 39% (looking at the bar chart) "more or less half"

so maybe:

"With regards to driving for work purposes, this function represented slightly more than half of the total trips for men, while women lagged somewhat behind at slightly less than 40% of the trips they took in 2005."

Writing Feedback / UK graduate and postgraduate students who did not go into full-time work did after leaving college [4]

Here in the US, an undergraduate is someone still in college who is pursuing their Bachelors degree. A graduate usually refers to someone who has gotten their Bachelors degree, while a graduate student or postgraduate is someone with a Bachelors degree who is studying for a more advanced degree. Of course, this chart is for the UK, which I guess has different terminology. Your interpretation makes sense to me.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Academic Writing Task 1: Bar Chart 1(Car Trips Taken by Men and Women) [5]

Hi, for the most part, I was impressed by your report. Here are my suggestions:

drivers for eight various reasons in 2005. {I think it is better to include how many reasons are shown}

taken by gents ... visiting town by ladies. {"gents" is definitely too informal for a report like this, and I believe "ladies" is inappropriate as well}

was for work and shopping, accounting for around 10%. {this seems unclear to me - accounting for 10% of what? Your are saying that in each category, the difference between male and female drivers is 10%, right? }

both men and women drove more or less half of the total trips . {this sounds like men took about half of the work trips and women took about half of the work trips - but that is not what you mean, right? Do you mean for both men and women, work trips accounted for about half of the total trips taken?}

However, a larger number of car trips were taken

... visiting town and recreation, {recreation is uncountable singular}

... below 5% of their total trips

remaining occasions a greater number of car trips

A similar trend was followed ...

Writing Feedback / The diagrams below show the life cycle of a species of large fish called the salmon. [3]

Hi, your writing is clear and understandable, but I think you have to refer to the diagram more in your report. I expected to hear "the diagram shows", "the diagram displays" and so on. It might also be good to give an overview of the diagram. Say something like "The diagram is laid out in a rough circle, with the life stages progressing in a counter-clockwise manner. A separate rectangular area at the bottom of the diagram compares the size of the salmon in its three life stages: fry, smolt, and adult."

Here are some other suggestions:

The diagram illustrates the circle of life {"circle of life" is not really correct - maybe "the various stages a particular species of fish called the salmon passes through during its lifetime ..." } for a specific fish name salmon

... to become adult salmon {the plural of salmon is salmon - also the diagram includes the part of their lives when they are still eggs, it does not start "the day they come out of eggs"}

kind of fish can be found

After about 5 to 6 months they hatch and become fry and their length grows to 3-8 cm.

migrate to the lower part

they become smolt of 12-15 cm in length.

experiencing the open sea

they become adult salmon with a length of 70-76 cm.

the river to lay their eggs

from being born as fry, to reproducing through laying new eggs

as adult salmon.

Undergraduate / A Common App essay about my life, my challenges and what makes me unique... [4]

Hi Kate, I like your writing style, but to me your essay sounded a little scattered. You started off focusing on uniqueness, but really it seems the only unique thing you discussed is spending your first five years in a Russian orphanage. Yes, that is unique, but I did not get a clear sense of the specific effects that experience had on making you into the unique person you say you are today. I guess maybe you are more mature than your classmates? If so, what would be an example of that? And being a hard worker is good, but is that really unique? I guess your first paragraph set me up to be so excited to learn about this eclectic unique person - I was thinking Pippi Longstocking maybe or Anne of Green Gables, but after finishing your essay I still don't feel I have much of a sense of who you really are.

And then your second to last paragraph seems to go off in a completely different direction. And that experience didn't seem to have a clear resolution. What happened with your struggle between good grades and healing? You don't really say, just that a year passed and everything was back to normal, but did that experience change you in any way or display a specific trait of yours?

And then you go off in another direction for your final paragraph, which really left me hanging. I was like "wait, what, an orphanage?!" and then that's it. What was that experience like? Did it bring back memories of your own childhood, or was it completely different? Did your experience allow you to connect with the orphans in a special way? There was so much I wanted to learn about this unusual circumstance, a former orphan volunteering at an orphanage. Maybe you plan to write about this in another essay, but if so, I would not mention it here in passing. And finally, I think it is more effective if your conclusion ties back in with the main theme given in your introduction, but this conclusion seemed to be for almost an entirely different essay. What happened to uniqueness? I guess now it's challenges and opportunities?

Grammar, Usage / Hi all. Is this sentence correct: Email to coworker [5]

Hi, I would make the following changes - in red:

Excel file of the data sheet

wondering if you can better explain to me what the "contaminated part" means?

Undergraduate / My Essay for College Admission: Atlas. (Tell me how it sounds, and of course where to improve) [3]

Hi maureleus, I liked your writing, but can you tell us what the admissions essay should be about? Were the instructions just to write an essay on any topic, or to write an essay describing your childhood, or what? If you could give us the instructions, it would make it easier to evaluate your essay.

Scholarship / Past Educational Challenge and Career related Degree Choice essays for MasterCard Scholarship [4]

Hi, in regards to your second answer, it seems like you have spent too many of your 250 words discussing the plans for Nigeria and not enough on what you specifically plan to do and how your university studies will assist you in carrying out your plan. What are the "right knowledge and skill sets" that would help you? And how exactly are you going to deploy renewable energy resources to rural areas? Is there an organization doing this that you plan to join? Or will you start your own organization? Or will you work for a typical utility type company and try to steer them towards rural focused sustainable power from the inside? Also, focusing on the Vision 20:2020 document, seems odd, as you will probably graduate from the MSc program in 2020, right? It seems too late for you to help achieve the Vision 20:2020 goal.

Also, the first sentence of your second answer is very confusing and odd. I would not use "epileptic" in this context and what is a "recurring decimal"?

Writing Feedback / Television, newspapers, magazines, and other media pay too much attention to VIP's personal lives [4]

Hi, I although I agree your essay is too short, I think your word usage and grammar are not too bad, though your vocabulary is somewhat basic. The main problem, as I think you guessed, is that you did not address the prompt correctly. The prompt is asking whether the media focuses too much on celebrities. You have instead written an essay on "Why does the media focus so much on celebrities?" I think this is a pretty big difference. So I would expect to either hear, "No the media does not focus too much, the media is there to serve the people and the people want news about celebrities. Also with all the pain and suffering in the world, it is great that the media focuses on lightweight topics like celebrities to keep our minds off our problems." Or, "Yes, the media spends too much time covering celebrity's lives. The media should focus instead on important matters that will directly affect their viewers and readers. There are so many problems in the world that should be covered without the distraction of these inane celebrity profiles."

Here are some specific suggestions:

people are interested in the personal lives

public media are trying to cover this aspect of their lives.

owners of public media have to sell

individuals who admire them.

those who work in the film industry, {semicolon here, not comma} they play a role

at home, what do they buy

how people followed up Brad Pitt's relationship

something that is in their customer's interest. {"in their customer's interest" means something that will help the customer, that puts the customer first. It does not mean something the customer is interested in, something that interests the customer, which is what I think you were trying to say}

stories and news of personal life of public adores. {you are using "adores" as a noun here, which is incorrect}

, it has to close itself.

to them. In other words, they are attracted

Writing Feedback / IELTS2 - it is necessary for parents to attend parenting training course to bring their children up [6]

Hi, I am afraid your essay did not really address the prompt much at all. I expected to read about raising children in your essay, since that is what the prompt is asking. Instead you talk about making marriages stronger and preventing divorce, which is not what the prompt is talking about at all. Here are some specific suggestions:

Writing Feedback / Nowadays, a lot of new, big supermarkets are appearing every day - what about local business? [4]

Hi just_writer. You have a lot of comma splices and run-on sentences in your essay. A comma splice is where you connect two complete thoughts, known as independent clauses, with a comma. To connect two independent clauses, you have to either use a semicolon or a conjunction preceded by a comma. An alternative is to split the two independent clauses into two sentences, each beginning with a capital letter and ending with a period. A final alternative is to convert one of the independent clauses into a dependent clause, so you can use a comma to connect them both.

So for instance, your run-on sentence

"I partially agree ... the end."

Could be rewritten:

... supermarkets are strong, and it (...) to fight against them. Nevertheless, I think they still can protect themselves. Although they will have ...

I connected your first two independent clauses with a comma followed by a conjunction. I split your second independent clause off into its own sentence. I converted your fourth independent clause into a dependent clause by adding "Although" and then combined it with your fifth independent clause. Try to include as much variety as you can in your sentence structures to show the grader your grammatical range.

Writing Feedback / I disagree that university should accept same number of men and women in each subjects. [3]

I thought your writing was pretty good. I think lesbians, gays, bisexuals, and even transgender people all consider themselves as one gender, either male or female. The only categories your third paragraph would apply to is intersex or non-binary students. If you want to pursue this line of reasoning, I think you have to be more specific than LGBT. And it seems like you are arguing that if there are quotas, there should also be an LGBT quota, but that goes against your whole thesis. Here are some specific suggestions:

I disagree that universities should accept same equal numbers of men and women in each subject.

In my opinion, a university should be focused on {or "should concentrate on ..." } of interest,

If an equality policy is implemented,

strike a balance between

the sacrifice to the strange {or "be sacrificed by the strange"}

matter the race, gender, or identity

the school chooses to ignore

an independent group of gender group, and they

classified as male or female.

boys and girls, {semicolon here} they should be included

The University should satisfy ...

To me, the characteristics {well, one characteristic is their gender - maybe be more clear as to what characteristics are more important}

Undergraduate / Macalester is a community that includes people from many different backgrounds [3]

Hi, I enjoyed your essay. It seems to address the prompt well. It seems odd that your would say you have an idealistic viewpoint because you have first hand experience with the conflict. Usually I find people are idealistic at first when they do not fully understand the problem, but eventually become more realistic {or hopefully not cynical} as they become more enmeshed in the intricacies of the situation. Here are some specific suggestions:

As feared by him { "As he feared" sounds better to me }

To Indians, I was ... to Pakistanis, I was ..

From living and befriending with Indians - {this needs to be rewritten, because you live with Indians, but you befriend Indians, no "with"}

conflict through a different lens

to the Mac community

put all perspectives on the table {no apostrophe}

provide audiences with a deeper {no apostrophe}

on Asian Studies, because

bring in a refreshing perspective

Writing Feedback / Whoever controls the media also controls opinions and attitudes of the people [4]

Hi Ummu, I'm sorry, but your writing is very difficult to understand. You have so many grammar and usage errors that it is hard for me to even know what you are trying to say. From the little that I do understand, it sounds like you are off topic on this essay. The prompt is talking about controlling the opinions of the people, but your essay seems to talk about whether the media is properly controlled. I think maybe your third paragraph is talking about how people are not controlled by advertising, so that is a little more on target, but as I said before, these sentences are very hard for me to figure out.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL independent task] What events (experiences or ceremonies) make a person an adult? [3]

Hi, this really wasn't the response I was expecting from this prompt. When I read the prompt, I think of experiences that many or most people go through on their way to adulthood - maybe leaving their parent's home, getting a job or going to college, living on their own, or even getting married. Or you could talk about ceremonies such as Quinceneras or Bar Mitzvahs. I guess you did address the prompt. Still, your thesis statement does not seem to match the rest of your essay. I expected to read about turning points, but instead your whole essay was about parents leaving their children. And this was vague to me. Do you mean parents completely abandoning their families, or parents moving to cities while their kids stay behind in the villages, or parents going to work every day and leaving their kids alone in the apartment? To me, you could have made this more clear. And I would expect to see how someone raised like this would be different than those with a more typical upbringing. What about being left behind makes a person an adult? Also, a lot of your sentences give background information like foreign companies and GDP instead of sticking to the topic. Finally, you should make better use of transitions to being your paragraphs as well as inside the paragraphs. Here are some specific suggestions.

and adults, with differences ranging from behavior {"it" was unclear to me before}

mature adult from the innocent child due {make sure your structures are parallel}

events cause this change?

will be those 'turning points' in their life. {I don't really like these quotes}

And I'll describe exactly what I mean in the following.

Being left behind {add a transition to begin your paragraph}

will make a child an adult.

extremely heartbreaking situation {the situation is unclear to me - what do you mean by leaving children behind?}

,experienced a rapid development rate in recent years.

companies have set up their offices in China

manufacturing workers

seeking for opportunities

caring for the whole family has been left

some will even drop out of school so

The children from a broken family {or "of"} would be acting like adults. In those families

his parents had been divorced

I finally learned these stories

their divorce, he was raised up by his grandparents. They were not that healthy enough

almost made him grow up overnight.

After that, their lives would have a reversion

carry the burdens which are beyond

carry them on,

Grammar, Usage / Rules for good comma placement throughout long sentences. [3]

A bigger problem I see are your sentence fragments - you have three that I see:

Not just limited to hammers and nails. - this is really lacking both a subject and verb - something is not just limited
Discovering new ideas that have given rise to tools such as differential equations and linear algebra. - this is lacking a subject - who is discovering?

The pure logical building blocks to engineering. - this is just a subject and needs a verb

The only comma I see missing is
"In many ways, skills ..."

Commas are very difficult and I think somewhat subjective in many cases. There was a whole book written about commas a few years ago: Eats, Shoots and Leaves. As you implied, the main rule is to put a comma wherever you would naturally pause when reading the sentence. But for ESL students, this is not always the biggest help. Maybe others have some tips.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - Support opinion - Why is physical education important? [5]

Hi Tran, I enjoyed your essay, but I think your thesis should include something about why physical education is important, so that you address the prompt more directly. Here are some additional suggestions:

required to spend more and more hours

Despite the great benefits

both the physical and mental health

effect that physical education has on a student

By doing exercises {or "performing" or "taking part in"}

a good health also prevents

significantly to a positive mental health

stress after long hours of study by playing sports with friends {or "playing a game", but "sports game" sounds unnatural}

which helps them regain {or "increase} their motivation

receive their full benefits.

and encourage students to take part in it. {or "to take part"}

Scholarship / "Book is a window to the world" A study plan in applying for Chinese scholarship [4]

Here in the US, a study plan is basically a list of the courses you plan to take semester by semester to obtain your degree, and as Holt said, in the case of a graduate degree, it would also include information on your planned research or thesis. But from my understanding, a study plan in China on the other hand is very similar to a Statement of Purpose. It should tell what you plan to study of course, but also why you want to attend a specific university or study in a specific country and how getting this degree will help you achieve your goals. You should also talk about your qualifications, including your education, work experience, awards and so on and how all these experiences contribute to your goals and make you an ideal candidate for your chosen school and field. Personally, I think there are a lot of connections between literature and psychology. A big part of literary criticism is trying to get into the minds of the author and the characters she has created, which seems like it might apply to psychology. Your readers will know what your undergraduate thesis was from reading your other application materials, so I think it would be better to explain why you are making this change instead of ignoring it.

Writing Feedback / The children live at boarding school or the other places [4]

Hi, your first body paragraph is not as convincing as it might be, since students who live at home also need to assign time to read, study, and do their chores -

try to differentiate the boarding school kids a little more. In your second body paragraph, I assume the teachers are controlling the students' behaviour - if not, you need to state why they cannot. Also, explain why playing games and resting are such bad things. Here are some other suggestions:

Your first sentence is a fragment as it is missing a subject.

build the clear relation between home and boarding house. {I am not sure what you are proposing - this is confusing to me

Undergraduate / "Counting My Steps" - OCD Personal Narrative for a Formal Essay assignment [3]

Hi, I liked the start of your essay much more than the ending. In fact, in my opinion, your essay does not really have a real ending, it just seems to sort of peter out. Overall, I think your essay needs a little more organization, or maybe a lot more :) . I would like to see a clear beginning, middle and end. Here your outline seems to be to me:

1. Dealing with OCD in a typical day
2. How music helps me
3. This part is very unorganized - I guess, my OCD is getting worse / enjoying nature
4. OCD helps me feel more secure
5. OCD gives me stronger friendships

I think showing how OCD affects you on a typical day is a great start, but you need to have some sort of structure and place for your essay to go after that - does that make sense? You have some great sentences and you seem like a talented writer, but your essay is so scattered that the overall effect to me is a sort of confusing sequence of thoughts.

The whole music section (paragraph 7) doesn't seem to tie in very well with the OCD theme of your essay. Try to explain how listening to music helps you cope with your OCD - does it take your mind off that for a little while when you get lost in the music? Is Albanian music better at distracting you? Or is music connected in some other way with your OCD? - I can't really answer that question just based on your essay. Paragraph 8 is better, but I still think you need to show the connection a little more explicitly. Once again, you switch to the nature topic and the connection to OCD is faintly there, but I wish it was stronger with a little more explanation. What exactly is it about the sound and the birds and the beauty that helps you cope with OCD, or how exactly does your OCD allow you to connect with this nature more easily? That is confusing to me and I can't really answer it from reading your essay. Also maybe you should explain automysophobia - it is a very technical term that I and probably most people have not encountered.

I do really like the counting and the word duplicates: books-books, 1, 2, 3, locked-locked-locked. These jump out at me while reading and constantly remind me of how you must be feeling by have to repeat things a certain number of times.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; We're making choice in every second of life - planning and organizing skills among youngsters [4]

Hi, I think your writing is pretty good, but this essay does not address the prompt correctly. The prompt is about teaching children how to plan and organize. Your essay mainly talks about the importance of making intelligent decisions and you have not really connected this to planning and organizing. But most importantly, you mainly talk about adults - you even mention the 30-40 year old generation. But this essay is supposed to be about teaching planning skills to children So your essay should mainly be about teaching children. Here are some specific comments and suggestions:

We must make millions of decisions or even more during our whole life.

When we face to these dilemmas

every choice has the power

On the other hand, the ability to plan ... {this introduction started off strong. For TOEFL a good intro outline is

Sentence 1 - state that the topic is important
Sentence 2 - state why it is important
Sentence 3 - restate the question
Sentence 4 - give your answer, your opinion - this is the thesis

You have done the first two well, but you are missing the third and your thesis is not clear.

First of all, as an mature adults, we {since you used "we", this should be plural to match }

take the responsibility for ourselves.

it is quite a huge task to investigate

so many options needed to be taken into consideration.

one's job can be so influential.

policy; it may involve into a huge number of pros and cons.

Through complete and fair discussions

Every young man {what about women?} can be the one who changes the world

we have to make choices in every second we are alive.

Scholarship / Internet invention marked an important milestone of mordern life [4]

Hi, your writing is pretty clear and understandable for the most part, but your essay seems very scattered to me. It reads as a list of all the things the internet can do, without enough overall structure or organization. Your education paragraph is better, but your "internet is key of entertainment growth" topic sentence does not really describe the content of that paragraph and your "internet is part and parcel of society" topic sentence is too broad and vague. Here are some specific suggestions and corrections:

system to associate people together {this sounds odd - maybe "allow people to associate together"

the foundation of human developed civilization. {there is no way you can argue that the internet is the foundation of civilization}

network system bringing the whole of the world to screens.

with each other and supplies an unlimited range

The idea for this amazing ... {"was come up with" sounds awkward - maybe "was generated" or "was proposed"}

the father of the Internet, however, is ... {usually "father" is one person}

In the next 10 years, it step by step had various

It is not denied that most men go insane or cannot even breathe without the Internet {I for one deny this! }

need to do is access the Internet

X-men can be all searched for on the Internet. {or better, can all be found}

type of place for every citizen

share their feelings, moments

some of the humans can keep in touch {"humans" sounds odd unless you are talking about biology or comparing humans with animals}

before the invention of the Internet, they had to wait for a reply

teachers and students found it easier

It supplies a huge {need a noun here} of knowledge

Moreover, refer some available lessons from the Internet, {this refer is incorrect and unclear}

which helps their preparation {need a verb here} better and faster

between neighboring countries is reinforced

Most of commercial documents

it is not unnecessary {this double negative is confusing}

and as the motivation of technology development. {this last point was not really discussed in your essay, so do not raise it for the first time in your conclusion}

There will be no evolution of science if there is no appearance of a system like this.{this seems exaggerated to me}

Writing Feedback / Machine Are New Able To Do The Work Which People Used To Perform. What are the pros and cons [3]

Hi, I liked your essay, although your intro and especially your conclusion seem a little short. You have quite a few issues with articles, which doesn't really affect the reader's understanding, but makes your writing sound less natural. Here are some specific comments:

development of technology, {a good synonym for development of technology here would be "advances in automation"}

replacing humans in a number of works {"works" sounds odd unless you are talking about works of art - try "tasks"}

it's understandable that why people consider that the automation would be a fortunate thing.{try to avoid using "thing" - be more specific - maybe "progression" or "trend" or "development"}

cost-effective than their human counterparts, applying machines enables businesses to attain the greater

setting up the chains of robots

On the contrary to the aforementioned {"In contrast to the ... " sounds more natural here}

the unemployment rate in the car industry

are using robots rather than hiring employees.

if they are malfunctioning and designed for warfare. {this is unclear - I guess you mean "if they are modified in order to be used for warfare", but this is a much different situation than being hacked.

I would argue that the disadvantages are more significant than the advantages. {I think you need to state your reasons why you believe this - why do the disadvantages outweigh the advantages?}

Scholarship / I truly want to explore Korea the best way possible - Scholarship essay [4]

Hi, the instructions say your essay should include the list of things, so I think you need to stick a little bit closer to the instructions. The great majority of your essay seems to be about your family background, but instead you need to focus more on the second aspect - talk about the risks you have taken and people who have affected you. The idea is not to give your entire life history, but to focus on those events and achievements that have formed your character or displayed your strengths. I would lean towards deleting the whole third paragraph - to me it reads like you are settling for going to college in Korea because you can't afford to attend school in the US, which is where you really want to go. I am not saying that is how you feel, but that is the impression that paragraph gives me and so might give the scholarship committee.

Writing Feedback / Ielts writing task 2: advantages and disadvantages of going to remote natural environment [4]

It is difficult, if not impossible to comment constructively on your essay if you do not include the actual prompt. I found this one that seems similar - can you verify that this is the prompt?

Scientists and tourists travel to remote natural environments, such as the South Pole. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

Writing Feedback / Autobiographical essay without using first person English 1301 [4]

Sorry, rereading your intro, only your second and third sentences are fragments - it would not let me edit my post above and correct my mistake.

Writing Feedback / Autobiographical essay without using first person English 1301 [4]

Hi, here are my thoughts on your essay:

Besides the first sentence, none of your sentences in the introduction are complete. Eliminating third person pronouns by eliminating the subject of your sentences is not appropriate!

Be sure to capitalize proper nouns.

You still have a lot of "he"s and "Roberts" - you need to use nouns like "the young child", "the student", "the son", "the younger sibling", "the brother" and so on - nouns that describe your role at various times in your life.

I don't think you really have a proper introduction. Even in an autobiography, I think it is best to have an overall theme, and this theme should be stated in a thesis statement, forming the last sentence of your introduction.

Writing Feedback / Luck is nessesary aspect to achive a dream goal [3]

In your introduction, I sense a contradiction. You say luck is "crucial", but then you say that you completely disagree that luck is a major factor. I think maybe using a less forceful word than "crucial" would be better.

The rest of your essay sounds pretty good to me. I think your format was effective - the first body paragraph showing the importance of other factors and your second body paragraph showing that bad luck can be overcome.

I guess a problem is that being born in a good family and going to good schools is in itself a form of luck, so perhaps modifying that part of the first body paragraph might be necessary.

Here are a few specific suggestions:

"studying environment" sounds odd to me - I guess you mean their school or educational resources?

"developing environment" also sounds a little unnatural maybe "environment in which they develop"

"many unlucky people who were born"

case of Nick Vujicic who despite the absence of arms and legs, still became a famous motivational speaker

Scholarship / Surging Through Time (Scholarship Essay) [3]

Hi, I like your creativity, but to me the countdown format was distracting and to be honest, you did not really refer to it much in the essay so it doesn't even seem integrated very well into your structure. I do like the fact that you set your essay in a situation where you are literally traveling between the two very different environments in which you grew up. Maybe you can focus more on comparing and contrasting these environments and how each one has shaped your life, your aspirations and goals, and your growth. I think you did a good job in your 30 minutes paragraph in showing how your environment affected you, but the 25 minute paragraph did not seem as strong. What exactly drew you to writing? And I don't get the booth part - where is "here" and where is "there"? The airplane is what I thought first, but I guess the booth is in your parent's restaurant? Its not that clear to me. The 20 minute paragraph describes your parent's tough life, but it doesn't really connect that to your goals and aspirations and growth. Similarly, the 15 minute paragraph is pretty vague - what exactly are those aspects of Chinese culture that are embedded in you and how have they shaped your life and aspirations? Your 10 and 5 minute paragraphs finally get to your goals, but it seems to boil down to "I will work hard and be a success", which still seems pretty vague to me. The 0 minutes paragraph is a little more specific, but what clubs, what community activities? I still feel like I don't know that much about who you really are.

As far as word count, there are many places where you could condense your sentences and you have made some grammar errors here and there but I figured I would wait until a later draft to get into those details.