Graduate / Motivation letter For Masters Program in Accounting and Auditing [3]

Not all of the information that you have presented qualifies as a part of the motivation letter. The education, work experience, and other similar information need to be in the statement of purpose. For the motivational letter, you should develop the following paragraph information instead:

- my country's developing economy ...respected business professional. ( This is the motivational aspect)
- Learning from highly professional ... and my home-country.(This is the academic motivation aspect)

Further develop these two paragraphs. These already contain partial information that can be used to develop a full motivational letter. You just need to better explain and develop the information within it. Also, create a concluding paragraph that will show why you were motivated to apply to the university you have chosen. Connect it to your academic motivation discussion. That can be your concluding paragraph.

Scholarship / Tell us why you selected New Zealand as a place to study? [2]

Your first two paragraphs will end your application process. Never tell the reviewer that their educational system is only comparable to another country's. Never tell the reviewer that there is too much competition to study in the UK so you settled for New Zealand. No country ever wants to be second best. Those first 2 reasons for your desire to study in NZ will be enough to make the reviewer put your application in the reject pile. It will be in your best interest to not proceed with using this essay. Write a new one. An essay that will excite the reviewer because of your obvious desire to study at the best university in the world, in the country that leads in the study of your specific course. Don't make the essay sound like you are just settling for studies in NZ. Make it appear that NZ is your first and only choice.

Writing Feedback / Essay regarding the effects of online shopping on the Environment! [3]

Since you did not specify if this is for an English test and what type of English test you will be taking, I will assume that this essay is more for English class and you are practicing how to write an essay. My essay will be a general review of your work based on the American standards for the English language. Your essay has several conciseness problems in the presentation. Those sorts of mistakes are negligible since you are still learning to write in English.

You should learn to write using better vocabulary over time and with constant practice. You have a few grammatical errors in your presentation that could have been spotted if you had used the grammar check system of your word program. Sometimes, those auto-correct features really do come in handy when trying to spot mistakes in your writing.

The clarity of your though process is clear. You used punctuation marks properly. Your complex sentence presentations would have been better if you had not made conciseness errors. Not a bad presentation. You should be proud of yourself. Please remember to provide more instructions next time for your essay so that a more targeted review of your work can be completed.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - Some people think that all university students should study whatever they like... [2]

Students tend to wrongly focus on the number of words written for the Task 2 test instead of the quality of the words written. It is definitely alright to write an essay between 275-300 words. The reason being that the student requires time to review and perfect the essay. That means making sure that the student has checked all of the ticking points off before the time runs out to correct the errors. Writing 324 words prevents you from doing that. Which is why the essay has some errors that cannot be ignored.

You used an unnecessary hyphen when writing "newly graduated". Those are two words not two connected words. "So" is an introductory element and is always followed by a comma when used at the start of a sentence. The verb auxiliary form of "found" is find as in "we can find examples..."

Try to use more ownership phrases at the start of your paragraphs. This essay is actually a 5 paragraph essay because you should have represented the public points of view in 2 separate paragraphs before your own opinion. In this case, the essay carries the feel of a single opinion essay. Specially since you did not properly paraphrase the introductory paragraph with the proper discussion outline. This paraphrased paragraph should have been 5 sentences long because of the discussion elements involved.

The writing is good but lacking in proper point of view references. More work needs to be done for you to be able to properly paraphrase and conclude these discussion essays. Remember, it's all about the restatement. It has to be complete each time. It has to be a proper summary of the discussion points, said in new and varied ways at the beginning and at the end.

Scholarship / [FUV] Tell us about one time you cried the loudest and one time you laughed the hardest. [5]

The essay is about the fear of losing your mother but you ended the essay with a general statement of fear of losing instead. This removes the importance of your dream and all of the actions that you took afterwards. The essay is disconnected in that way. There is no clear progression from the time you had the nightmare, to the time you lay in bed watching the clock, to the time you went to write in your diary, to the time you came to this epiphany that you closed the essay on. I would suggest refocusing the essay. Try to connect that fear with all of your other realizations. How does the fear of your mother dying on you affect the person you have become? How did you learn to balance an acceptance of death with the joy of living everyday with the one person you fear losing? I think that is the best way to allow the reviewer to get to know the vulnerable side of you. I think you will allow him to get to know you on a deeper level if you can manage to discuss the essay in that manner.

Writing Feedback / WRITING TASK 2: MANY BELIEVE THAT SCHOOL IS THE PLACE TO LEARN HOW TO BE GOOD MEMBERS OF SOCIETY [3]

The prompt paraphrase has to outline the discussion instruction as provided in the original prompt. In this rephrasing, you failed to identify the discussion instruction. The instruction is to discuss both points of view and your your opinion based on personal knowledge and experience. You turned this into a personal point of view response, which means you will lose points for having only a partially correct response to the prompt instruction and, there will be points deducted for the words that should have gone to discussing both points of view as well. That means your essay will be considered under the word count and as such, will have great difficulty in achieving a passing score.

Undergraduate / Columbia Science Honors Program Essay Revision - interests and background in science and mathematics [3]

Never start with "Ever since I was little". The reviewer will stop reading at that point. Nobody believes a child would develop such a keen interest and be able to pursue studies in the field you have chosen. Try to be more realistic. Say "When I was exposed to ... as a teenager, I felt.... This was the seed that planted an interest in science within me." , or something to that effect. Just don't say "childhood" in the essay. Please don't.

You don't "do" the robotics club. You are a "member" of the robotics club. Again, you don't "do the math club". You are a "member" of the math club. Stop referring to the clubs as if they are an action you are taking. These are not the actions. These organizations you have to be a member of in order to perform an action. The same goes for the math team. Who on earth ever told you to keep referring to the organizations as actions??? I know, you are speaking English slang. Stop it! Be academic and use properly worded sentences for this academic response before the reviewer "does in" your application. That means he will kill / reject it.

Do not "flip" through books. READ them. You better rewrite this essay. This time, use formal academic language. Show the reviewer the respect the person deserves. This essay doesn't do that. Believe me, reviewers have rejected applications for petty reasons before.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: children are becoming overweight and unhealthy, who is responsible for this? [3]

There are grammar issues with your essay. "These" is the plural form of "this". Therefore, you cannot say "these problem". You have to say "these problems". The error is what is known as a noun phrase disagreement and must be corrected to get a good GRA score. Remember to use a comma after a conjunction (busy, or). By the way, there the plural form of "equipment" is still "equipment". That is because this word is not a mass noun.

The prompt paraphrase and conclusion needs to have 3 sentences to be considered a paragraph. Although you did properly respond to the discussion question in the paraphrase and conclusion, the improper formatting of the topic and reason for discussion caused you to be short on sentences. You merged the two topics, which should have been in separate sentences for C&C purposes. Good job with the prompt rephrasing though. It was somewhat of a good job.

Never use a parenthesis in an academic essay. Use only 2 topics at the most in one paragraph which are connected using a transition sentence. Use no more than 5 sentences per paragraph for clarity sake. You cannot just present reasons, you need to properly support the reasons as well, within the same paragraph. You can actually discuss up to 4 connected reasons within 2 paragraph. 2 topics supported by an example and explanation, with a transition sentence connecting the two ideas in the paragraph would be the way to discuss it.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2 - Relocating industries and businesses from urban industries to regional areas. [3]

This is not an extent essay. You should not have discussed it as such. An extent essay asks "To what extent do you agree or disagree?" This essay discussion instruction is asking you "do the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages ?" There is a big difference in the response format for the two. Your TA section will lose points because you did not respond in the following manner:

I believe that this action by the governing councils have more benefits than problems. I will present some of the benefits in this essay to prove my point.

Your response was nowhere near the prompt requirement. For that you will be judged as having a response that is totally unrelated to the task. Hence, you will get one of the lowest TA section scores. That means, I do not even have to review the rest of the essay, if I were the examiner, you would have already failed due to your inability to properly respond to a question given to you.

Although your body of paragraphs relate to the topic, your TA score is based on the relevance of your paraphrases and responses to the prompt, both of which you failed to properly address in the essay. Since the TA is more than half your score, properly discussing in the body of paragraphs, then having other errors in the remaining sections ensures that your essay will not reach a 5 band score.

Graduate / Fulbright Master's Future Plans Essay [4]

This is pretty much a straightforward response to the prompt that vividly shows the reviewer why you have no plans of overstaying in the United States after you complete your masters course. However, a nice touch would be for you to indicate that you will be cutting ties with the American firm so that you can focus on the development of your own company. You can indicate a possibility that your company could collaborate with the American company whenever required to do so. Perhaps through collaborative projects and the like. It is important to highlight a separation for your own professional growth, while highlighting cooperation between business partner countries.

Divide your second paragraph into 2 more paragraphs, creating 3 paragraphs for the explanations so that the essay will be easier to read. Add the separation information in the appropriate paragraph. It will help to make the presentation stronger.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2 - Reasons why eBooks are better (or not?) than printed books [3]

While your line of reasoning is correct in the essay, your response to the prompt question is improper. You see, this is a comparative analysis essay. However, the comparison comes with a specific instruction that you choose a specific side to support in the 2 body reasoning paragraphs. You were asked if you believe that the advantages of eBooks outweigh the disadvantages. So the response should have been:

Based on 2 comparative factors, I believe that the help offered by the eBooks are greater than the problems that using it poses.

What you said was: I strongly believe that using e-books will be beneficial to the readers due to its practicality as well as the environment, although some believe it comes along with a certain health issue.

Since this is not a degree of dis/agreement essay, your response will be considered incorrect as it shows that you did not understand the correct format for the response. Points will be deducted from the TA score because of this error. Remember, in the paraphrase, your restate the prompt and answer the question. Nothing more is required from you. At that point, your English comprehension skills are being tested, so prove that you understand English instructions and that you are capable of explaining English discussion points in your own words. Your own words have to reflect the correct topic and reason for discussion elements. That is why you only have 5 sentences to use in the paragraph. The actual discussion starts after the comprehension skills test.

Never use terms of uncertainty in this essay. "I suppose" indicates that you do not really believe what you are saying. It creates a tangential response which could adversely affect your TA score.

Graduate / Essay on 'Why My Undergraduate Academic Performance Is A Poor Indication of Potential' [3]

Your first paragraph is not as strong as your concluding paragraph. Use the concluding paragraph as your introduction instead. It just has a better hook to it that would better illustrate why the reviewer should disregard your poor academic performance in relation to your possible performance as a masters student. Delete the current first paragraph is just doesn't carry enough important and relevant information to warrant being in the essay.

It is imperative that you explain to the reviewer how you ended up in your back up university. Since one of the main reasons that you lost interest in studying was because you had to reject your first choice and go to your back up choice, there needs to be an acceptable reason for it. The reason will help explain why you under performed during that time.

The 3 events that happened which led you to fail will be a better reason than simply you losing interest in your studies. Why? If the reviewer knows that you lost interest in your studies because you were in a back up school, then it will take very little for you to lose interest in your masters studies, even if you are in your primary choice university. If you explain the 3 reasons as the source of your failed grades, it will be better accepted by the reviewer.

This essay will close better on the repentant note regarding how you turned your studies around. It is clear evidence that your grades cannot be used as the basis of your academic assessment.

Don't worry about the grammar and cohesiveness for now. Revise the content first, then worry about the other 2 sections. First things first. Prioritize the content. That is what the reviewer will be looking at immediately.

Writing Feedback / Using punishment to teach children good behavior? Ielts 2 [3]

The essay is short in terms of discussion requirements. The body of paragraphs should have been composed of your POV regarding the 3 main topics in the essay which are:

Par. 1 : The parents and their responsibility in applying discipline to their children. Ending in a suggestion for a non-corporal punishment.
Par. 2 : The responsibility of educators as teachers in instilling discipline in a child and what sort of punishment the teacher and school can give. Base the solution on your own school's punishment system.

Par. 3: Your own point of view. Explain and support with examples. Close the paragraph with your suggested form of non-corporal punishment as meted out by your parents and teachers.

The score you might get for this essay in an actual setting is around a 5. The main problems lie in the way that you did not properly respond to the task question, limited explanation development, and inappropriate discussion of the task topics provided. The template above for a 5 paragraph essay should have been followed in the body of paragraphs. As for the mistake in your response to the task question, while you gave a measured response, you indicated that "This essay will discuss" rather than responding to the question of "To what extent do YOU...". Since there is a reference to the need to use a personal pronoun by pointing out that "YOU" have to discuss the essay, then you should have said "In this essay, I will be discussing this topic based on the point of view of the teachers and parents prior to offering my own ideas and suggestions."

Your concluding paragraph is faulty. It does not contain the required reverse summary of the body of paragraphs and prompt statement. The conclusion is always 3 sentences long at a minimum.

Scholarship / Ps for applying scholarship: why should we grant you this scholarship? [3]

Try to be more specific about why you chose the university. Describe you academic goals in more specific terms. What specific areas do you need help with? Why is it important to your career? How does the university course address this need specifically? Let me be more direct to the point. Your essay is dealing with implied information rather than giving straight information. That is what weakens the essay. Direct responses using examples, experiences, and personal consideration of various learning aspects in relation to the university ideals are required. You need to prove that your academic goals are aligned with the university. You have to show examples of how you plan to share your skills with the other students at the university. Be specific. You are being asked how you can contribute to the university community. Discuss how you plan to make these plans to inspire others a reality. Again, deal with specifics. Don't just aspire, implement.

Your reason for requiring the scholarship sounds like every other applicant's reason. Any chance you can try to come up with something more unique? Maybe say that because this is your second masters course, you are still paying off your student loan on the first one? Or something like that. That would be more believable and maybe more considerable than your current line of reasoning. That way, when you say you want to spend your time studying instead of working part time jobs or whatever, the reviewer will consider that you have mounting student debt that you are "working to pay off" but that you value education in relation to your career goals and self -improvement so much that you are willing to work while studying. Think of reasons that will make it sound like you just need to catch a break.

Overall, the essay is a good draft that could use a lot more development. You could probably write a new essay with more relevant information instead of implications. I am sure the second version, using more targeted specifics, would be better than this.

Writing Feedback / The power of advertising and the real needs of society in consumer goods [3]

Take into account the 40 minute time frame to write this essay. Now, get your mobile phone and go to the clock. Find the timer icon. Set the timer for 40 minutes, Start writing the essay. The timer goes off. Time's up ! 40 minutes have gone by to fast. Check the word count, how many words did you write? Less than 369 right? Did you remember to spellcheck before the timer ended? You didn't? Oops, you have just lost valuable scoring points because you used up all your time writing and filling the page with words instead of focusing on the proper paraphrase of the discussion and a direct discussion, with appropriate topic sentences per paragraph for the essay. Use no more than 5 sentences per essay so that you will have time to self-check your essay before the time ends and you have to submit the essay already.

You seem to have forgotten the general rule, that the first paragraph is always the paraphrased outline of the discussion topic and style based on the original prompt. You instead began discussing your opinion in the essay. The TA score will consider how you did not properly rephrase the prompt and deduct points for that. It will give you points for appropriately responding to the prompt question though. Just do a direct paraphrase in your next essay. Don't start the discussion there. Remember, you only have 5 sentences with which to prove to the reviewer that you understood what the topic is about and how you are supposed to discuss it. Outline the essay first. Don't discuss in the first paragraph.

As far as I can tell, you have at least 3 errors in this essay based on spelling, grammar, and vocabulary. The spelling error is simple to explain. You just spelled the British English word "centre" in the American English form of "center". Familiarize yourself with the eccentricities of the British English language. They spell some words far differently from the American English users. They also have stranger reference words such as "lift" for an elevator and "loo" for the bathroom. Little differences in the language I know, but knowing these differences would help increase your LR score and impress the examiner. As for the grammar, you made just a slight error by using a comma with a conjunction. That is not done. just say it straight (out or instead of out, or). Your essay could also use more descriptive adjectives such as "a brief time" instead of "a short time". Formal sounding words score better when you are writing an academic essay such as the one in the task 2 test.

Scholarship / NTU Scholarship essay - the importance of family. Essay about my personal values and attitudes. [4]

Okay, let me stop you right there. Do not go all the way back to age 6 as a reference for this essay. You cannot tell the reviewer you got your sense of values from a kiddie show. That is the lamest reason you can have as an influence for your values. It is also an age where the reviewer knows you do not understand very much about values and belief systems. While you might think that the value system you learned from TV is good to cite in this essay, the reality is, you just gave a very weak opening statement that would have the reviewer moving on to the next student.

If you decide to revise this essay and focus instead on the specific values that you learned from your church from the time you were between 14 and 16, then you will have a more solid reference point for your values and beliefs development. The last 2 sentences are not necessary. That is just lip service to the reviewer, which will not impress him at all. Just stick to discussing a single value that you believe your church strongly instilled in you. That would be more appropriate for this essay.

Relate the divorce of your parents with the sense of community that you developed during this pivotal point in time. That would strongly show how you value the strength of the community when a member needs support the most. Depict how the community helped you deal with the divorce and then explain how you apply the community belief system in your own life.That way the strength of your belief in the value of community becomes more evident.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 feb 2020 Today single-use products are still very common. [2]

Realistically, you can only write a total of 300 words for this essay. You are writing without timing yourself for this 40 minute task. You are also not allowing yourself time to review, revise, and perfect your essay within the given time frame. There is no sense in writing so many words when you do not even have time to check your work for possible mistakes.

Remember, it is not about the amount of words that you write. It is the quality of the words used, sentence types that you develop, clarity of thought, and grammar rule knowledge that will count towards a strong finishing score at the end of the test. Wordy essays are usually the ones that examiners hate to read because the student takes too long to get to the point, if they eventually get to the point.

There is a very important rule to follow when writing the task 2 essay: KISS it.

Keep It Short Silly !

The shorter but well developed the essay is, the more targeted the response, the higher the overall rubic score. This essay served only one purpose for you. You wanted to show off your knowledge of the English language. You did not care about the clarity of your sentences and paragraphs anymore. You did not even realize that this is an academic essay and yet you used conjunctions every chance you got. You know very well you will lose points for using conjunctions because it shows a lack of English grammar knowledge.

You constantly used word fillers instead of topic sentences, you added information to the prompt paraphrase instead of simply outlining the conversation as required. Here is a sample of the correct paraphrase:

People continue to patronize non recyclable products. While there are several complications connected with this practice, there are a couple of ways to dissuade people from using these commodities. Through this essay, I hope to present some complications related to this situation and propose applicable fixes to the problem.

Always outline the topic, reason, and discussion format as implied in the original prompt. Do not add information such as:

Using these products is most of the time costly and has negative effects on the environment due to increased waste production,

Since you are paraphrasing the information, you have to remember, if it's not in the original prompt, it doesn't go into the paraphrase. Additionally, you never start the discussion in the paraphrase. You start that in the second paragraph.

Scholarship / Master of Energy in NZ - knowledgre you hope to gain from your exposed study programme? [3]

Remove the reference to the book that you read. That is irrelevant to the discussion. Only the program exposure and classroom lessons aspects should be reflected in this essay. You are not being called upon to be a leader in the statement either so that reference is out of place. You may want to either rephrase that or delete that reference. Either way will help to improve and align the content of your essay. Only the last 2 paragraphs of this essay actually give a semblance of a response to the statement prompt. You should work on representing your course learning expectations in a more appropriate way. Try to refer more to the classes or hands-on training that the program will allow you to experience and relate how those experiences will help improve your existing skills or strengthen any possible weaknesses you have. Focus on the program. No social references. No unwarranted references. Just a straightforward statement that relates to the study program.

Graduate / Msc in Civil Engineering personal statement. My Passion for civil engineering and Transport Planning [2]

Do not open the essay with a discussion about how you want to be like your father. That is not the sort of information that will impress the reviewer. Since you are already a professional civil engineer, you will need to go beyond childhood adulation of your father for the personal statement. This time, your personal statement needs to talk about how far you have come from the time you were a college student. Based on your personal experiences as a civil engineer, what would you say are the determining factors that established your belief that you have what it takes to be a civil engineer? What is your passion as a civil engineer? What do you love most about your job that you feel you can turn this into a lifetime career / commitment? Leave your father out of the discussion. You are not applying to college. That is a very amateurish move that can easily lose you a student slot. The reviewer wants to know about you, he does not care about your father at all or his influence on you. Now, if you say that you channel your interests in engineering by influencing the mindset of young boys towards this career, then that is another aspect of your personality that the reviewer should definitely know about. Now, based on this passion, commitment, and determination to succeed in this career, why did you choose the university? Align your statement with what the university is looking for in its students. Choose to portray yourself as the embodiment of the university objectives and motivations for training future leaders in civil engineering and transport planning. Your personal interests need to be part of the personal statement. Your father, should not be mentioned at all.

Undergraduate / Waterloo AIF Form (Mathematics) [3]

It is useless to discuss your academics in this part of the statement because you were given several chances to discuss this aspect of your background in other parts of the application form. Rather, you should use this part to discuss who you are beyond academics. When you said you were a well-rounded person, you came up with the topic for this statement. Give examples of why you believe you are a well-rounded student. Discuss your important or relevant after school activities. Community service or volunteer participation would be an excellent addition to this statement. Describe any activity that you undertake which will allow the reviewer to know more about you without considering your academic interests.

Writing Feedback / General Training, Task 2 - Type: Cause and Effect - Subject: Children's obesity in wealthy countries [2]

The main reason why this essay will not reach your target band score is because of the evidence you presented. The discussion outline clearly states that your information must come from personal experience and / or your own knowledge. Yet in the discussion paragraphs, you referred to researched material twice. Once for McDonald's and the other for the American university. Both come from research information that you most likely did during your practice test. I am sure that you have read my other advice here that always reminds students to stick to the required examples for discussion. In this case, there is no chance you can do research at the center, so do get into the habit of doing that while you are doing the practice tests. Stick with personal experience and / or your own knowledge.

You could have just divided your first body of paragraphs into 2 paragraphs in this case. Clearly there is a break in the relationship between diet and technology. So you could have discussed the diet part extensively in paragraph 2 then the technology part could have been fully explained in paragraph 3. Remember, it is better to use one topic per paragraph to help increase your mix of complex and simple sentences. This type of presentation will also help your C&C score.

You did a somewhat good job in this essay. You still showed an ability to understand the topic and discuss it, albeit a wrong discussion format existed along the way. Just remember that you always have to double check the discussion format, discussion outline, and sources for the essay so you won't make a mistake. Make sure not to include research in any of your presentations.

Writing Feedback / Spoken communication is more powerful than written communication. To what extent do you agree? [3]

I am not impressed with your written work because you did not respond to the prompt requirement in the prompt paraphrase, which is supposed to be representative of the discussion outline in the essay. As such, you will receive tremendously low TA scores. It is not enough for you to have an opinion on the topic. You need to have a proper opinion presented based on the prompt requirements in relation to the paraphrasing of the discussion and response to the question being asked of you.

So the question is:

OP: To what extent do you agree?

That signifies a measured response essay of 2-3 reasoning paragraphs. The measurement is given using measurement descriptive words like fully, totally, partially, equally, greatly, among other descriptive response words. Your response totally altered the discussion of the essay because you indicated:

I believe that each way of communication has its advantages on particular situation but in general the effectiveness of written communiction is unchallenged

While you did place your measured response in the essay, you placed it in the wrong place. You placed it in the conclusion. The concluding paragraph is always used as a summary of the discussion paragraphs and your opinion. You can never place your opinion in the conclusion because your opinion needs to be part of the body of paragraphs where you can present a clear explanation based on:

- Your opinion
- Reason for your opinion
- Justification of your opinion (optional)
- Example to support your opinion
- Transition sentence.

Your TA score depends on you properly responding to the prompt in the paraphrase paragraph. The measured response has to be a part of the rephrased information because it is part of the required discussion outline presentation. When you do not place the direct response in the restatement, your score automatically gets docked for points. You do not properly format the response in this essay. You will not get a good mark for it.

Graduate / My personal Statement to study Biochemical Engineering; I seek to pursue a career in science [2]

Your essay is a bit too long for a personal statement. You don't really need to present an autobiography in the essay. What you have to focus on in the personal statement are the foundational aspect of your interest of your masters studies. A personal statement that indicates an explanation of your academic goals and future ideas regarding your career would work well. You should revise the content of the essay using the following paragraphs: 2,3, & 6. These are the paragraphs that best relate to your personal statement. Describe how your academic goals were nurtured by these exposures and education. Explain how these academic interests fall in line with the general objective of teaching from the University of Sheffield. These are the basic information that are useful to a personal statement. The rest of the information in this essay should be placed in your statement of purpose which, if I may say so, will be tremendously strong and helpful in your application because of your relevant experiences and educational background.

Graduate / SOP for Masters in Business Analytics; using data to extract right knowledge and insights [2]

The essay needs to be edited to make it more interesting to read. This being a statement of purpose needs a highly interesting opening paragraph to help the reviewer determine whether or not you understand the intricacies of the masters degree you are interested in studying. I strongly advise you to open the essay with the following paragraph:

for past 1 year I have been ...with a strong support model.

Reformat that paragraph to better highlight the purpose of your studies. I found that the opening paragraph you created was only an explanation of how data science helps businesses, but not how data science is applicable in your line of work. So I would like you to correct that. By opening immediately with the professional reference you gain the interest of the reviewer because you immediately get on track with your statement of purpose.

Follow up that statement with an adjusted version of this educational background:

My interest in financial analysis ...on a business.

The adjusted section I chose helps you inform the reviewer of your early data science experience which, will be another plus in your side. Additionally, the internship experience will work to your benefit since it shows your early foundation in the actual job application.

Those are the only 2 paragraphs you need for your statement of purpose because it is quite strong in presentation. The last paragraph should speak of your academic and professional goals. Explain how the university you chose and the course will blend in very well with these interests. It is important the you indicate your specific goals as it relates to this course so that the future application of the masters course will become evident. Specifically explain what direction your career can head in once you graduate from this MS course.

Book Reports / This essay is a synthesis essay with the theme of Revenge. [2]

Add to your conclusion by indicating how revenge drives people to respond to betrayal differently. Each author has shown either the two types of revenge. Cyrano uses intellectual revenge along with physical. While the other two use psychological revenge instead. Then point out that by using different types of revenge, the author also highlights how the characters feel varying ways of being avenged through their own actions. The conclusion needs to tie together all 3 stories into a common ending which is, revenge is the only way a person can feel that a slight has been righted. That is the common theme for all 3 stories and that is what your conclusion should be pointing out.

Research Papers / Moderation – turning the page on health? - Rhetorical Analysis [2]

The analysis is strong. It offers a clear understanding of the article you had read. You point out several important facts, backed by evidence from the article. All of these provide a convincing analysis of the paper. Perhaps the weakest parts of this paper are the portions where you refer to yourself in the first person when writing a review of a section. Since this is a rhetorical analysis, you should remain focused on delivering the statement from an outsider's point of view. That means, do not use the terms "I believe" or "I feel" because these phrases have a way of weakening what should have been an authoritative presentation.

When you do not include yourself in the conversation, you will allow the review to become stronger since it lacks an emotional connection and focuses only on the intellectual aspects of the writing. Be bold. State your opinions as a matter of fact, sans emotions. Rather than "I feel that the logos appeal is lacking depth", indicate "The author's logos appeal lacks strength. The weakness comes from..." By not involving yourself, the statement because stronger as it is fully analytical in nature rather than partly emotional. Don't feel, don't believe, just analyze from an intellectual point of view.

Undergraduate / Help with Waterloo AIF form (Part a, Computer/electrical Engineering) [3]

Do not quote the courses involved as if you were explaining the class to a stranger. The reviewer already knows all about these subjects and what these special. What he doesn't know, is how the classes will help hone your interest in ECE. Relate the courses with your current skills. How do your skills benefit from classes in ECE 155? What existing knowledge do you have that will allow you to go further with this type of education? You don't really provide a clear explanation of your educational goals in this statement? You are merely stating the obviously known information about the university. State your educational goals first. What do you expect to learn? How do you expect to learn it? Then use the ECE classes to explain why your current skills will be honed towards the achievement of your ambitions.

Writing Feedback / Ielts Task 2: Should school children not be given homework by their teachers? [3]

This essay will be read by the examiner and be given points deductions in relation to word count because of the minimal way that the response applies to the task. It only responds to one of the 3 required discussion instructions. The 3 discussion instructions are:

- Discuss public point of view 1
- Discuss public point of view 2
- Discuss the personal opinion

Your essay responds only to the third part of the actual discussion. Hence this essay will not be able to gain a passing score in an actual test setting. It is useless to review it for other mistakes because the TA section is already failing. Please write another practice test that will be better geared towards responding to all the prompt requirements.

Writing Feedback / Is it worth forcing children, who lack artistic talent, to learn art-based subjects? [4]

There is a problem with the clarity of your sentence presentations which affect the overall understanding of the paragraph presentation. The sentences do not make sense because you do not properly develop your reasoning in the presentation. An example of this problem is the following sentence:

According to research, scientists figure out that the students who are fanatical about art often have flying colors.

What exactly do you mean by "have flying colors" ? The total sentence does not make any sense. Additionally, why are you citing research when you will not be able to do internet based research at the testing center? The reasoning for this essay should be based on personal knowledge and experience. Not research due to the non-availability of that medium during the actual test. Remember, it does not follow that because it makes sense in your native tongue, it will make sense when written in the equivalent English presentation. That is how you create incoherent sentence presentations.

You are constantly writing in run-on sentences instead of a mix of short and long sentences. Rather than improving your GRA to create a proper blend of complex and simple sentences, you are providing information that is improperly formatted. This leads to confusion for the reader, leading to severe GRA deductions for your essay.

While you did respond to the prompt in a manner that shows an understanding of the British language, the lack of clarity in your presentation is what will definitely pull down your final score in an actual test.

Writing Feedback / How many tonnes of goods (road, water, rail, pipeline) transported in the UK from 1974 to 2002 [3]

Let me start by saying that all essential information in the summary overview and other parts of the data report must be made as part of the paragraph. It is never enclosed in a parenthesis because the information is required for the data presentation. Only optional information is ever placed in a parenthesis. You also failed to use the space bar to create spaces between the connected words. Please be mindful of the spacing requirements in relation to GRA rules.

The presentation does not have a clear trending statement. In addition to that the following sentence lacks clarity:

Overall, road was the most popular good shipped in the UK while pipeline was the least.

Roads are not shipped. That is a physical impossibility. However, goods can be shipped by road. The proper sentence structure is:

Overall, the roads were the most popular form of goods shipment method while the UK pipeline was the least popular method of moving supplies.

Next time, try to better formulate your trending sentences. Pay more attention to the clarity of your sentences in the next practice test. Make sure that you use all of the information without presenting a parenthesis. Remember, you score better when you showcase your actual writing abilities.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Independent writing: Advertising makes people buy things that they don't need. [3]

You don't need to justify your number of reasons, nor list it in the essay. You have to simply start off with a strong hook in every paragraph. You do that by creating an interesting topic sentence at the start. The first 2 sentences of your first explanatory paragraph are considered word fillers. These will not help to increase your score on the basis of direct reasoning. If you open with a reason, then proceed with the explanation, then you show that you have a strong control of your English sentence development abilities. Thus adding to your points in the scoring criteria.

Do not offer questions in the response presentation. It throws you off the topic for discussion. Frame the question as a part of your response instead. That way the reasoning becomes stronger and your discussion, better supported. For the second, separate reason, present it in a new paragraph. Do not include it in the original presentation. For clarity purposes, each reason needs its own fully developed paragraph. The essay will tend to be cluttered if you try to combine two reasons in one paragraph. It becomes difficult to read.

The current second paragraph feels like a throw away. It does not feel like it is connected with the previous discussion paragraphs. You don't need to include that kind of little developed presentation in the essay. You should always make sure that your paragraph discussions are inter-related or somehow connected with one another in he presentation. The last 2 paragraphs do not accomplish that very well. You could have used just the first 2 reasoning paragraphs for this essay and closed on a somewhat high score.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: More people should be encouraged to do vocational training. Agree or Disagree? [3]

You changed the prompt discussion requirement. The original prompt indicates the following discussion topic and discussion instruction:

Too much emphasis is placed on going university for academic study. People should be encouraged to do vocational training, because there is a lack of qualified tradespeople such as electricians or plumbers. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

As an extent essay, you are required to give your dis/agreement to the proposed topic within the last sentence of the introductory paragraph. What you did was, you offered a personal opinion immediately, without responding to the prompt question. This creates a deviation that will affect your TA score. Further review of your opinion indicates that you did not use the prompt discussion reason for the opinion defense you created as well. Your topic for defense is:

From my perspective, ability and interest should be considered rather than the current job needs when parents decide whether to let their children continue academic studies or not.

However, the reasoning of the original prompt is:

there is a lack of qualified tradespeople such as electricians or plumbers

It is this reasoning topic that you should have discussed from the very start in the essay. Your opinion first and foremost, should have defended the reasoning given in the original prompt. The examiner will take this to mean that you did not understand how the discussion should have been represented in your essay and mark down you TA score further because of the problematic English comprehension skills.

Writing Feedback / The benefits of the domestic travel [2]

I'll start my review with the common errors that could have easily been corrected with proper editing towards the end of the test. Use a hyphen for connected words such as non-costly. Do not capitalize words that are not nouns in the middle of a sentence. After a comma, the next word still starts with lowercase letters. Maybe you accidentally hit the shift key while typing so that happened. Always read what you have typed to avoid such a costly error. Now, let's review your content.

Do your best to not write more than 300 words for this essay so that you can have time for editing and revising your paper. It is important for you to self-edit towards the end of the exam so that you can correct any mistakes that you can spot. These simple corrections could have an increasing effect on your final score so don't neglect to edit your work. Do not write more words, edit your work instead.

Did you make a mistake with the prompt topic? Your response runs counter to the original presentation.

OP: People benefit more from traveling in their own country than from traveling to foreign countries.
YP: Many people claim that traveling overseas have more benefits than traveling within your country ...

The prompt clearly says, " ... traveling in their own country than overseas". You responded, "Many people claim that traveling overseas have more benefits..."

It would have been more appropriate to say:

I agree that traveling within my own offers more gains. I say this because traveling within one's own country becomes an educational experience. One that is not provided in school. Some benefits of this type of travel are...

You created an accidental prompt deviation. You cannot agree or disagree with a statement that is not found in the original prompt. You cannot create your own discussion topic. Your essay is not discussing the topic provided. As such, you will get a TA score of 1. That score reflects how your response is completely not related to the given task. For the task, the topic given is one of the major considerations. How you understand it reflects English comprehension skills. The main reasons for this score is your questionable responsiveness to the task

With a score like that, you cannot expect to get a passing score for this essay due to the other mistakes you made in the presentation. Once you show that you did not understand the given topic, you clearly indicate a strong lack of English understanding As such, you cannot be allowed to pass the test.

Essays / Essay Structure - Review Statement of Purpose for Korean Goverment Scholarship [2]

This is the one section of the GKS program that often confuses the applicants. Maybe the keywords used in the description are vague or difficult for non-native English speakers to understand. Actually, it isn't as scary as it sounds. The extremely long titled section boils down to one thing, a thesis proposal. Yup. The thesis proposal that you wrote in college before you could graduate. In fact, it follows the same format for any regular thesis proposal with a few exemptions. Let's break it down:

Goal of study -
Thesis topic with objectives. The reason you chose to study in Korea is because you want to learn about something within your profession that Korea excels at. The goal of your study will be to gain a proficiency in (?), with a final expectation of (?).

Title or Subject of Research -
Self explanatory

Detailed Study Plan -
Based on the information you know about the topic in relation to Korean excellence in the field, what sort of help would you need from the university? Where will you be doing your research? Will you need practical exposure as part of the training? If yes, where. Why that company? What do you hope to gain in terms of theoretical and practical experience from this research? Why is it important that you complete this research?

Those are the normally considered aspects of the Goal of study. You have to basically highlight how you will spend your academic, non-language building, time in Korea. You need to present a thesis before you can graduate. This presentation will at least give the reviewer of the kind of student you will be and if you will be able to bring honor to your country, Korea, and the institution you will be attending.

Note: Your thesis topic may change during the course of your study. This essay is just meant to give an insight into your academic goals and professional objectives in a more detailed manner.

Writing Feedback / Task 2 IELTS famous brand purchase tendency [3]

First up, excellent discussion work in this essay. You provided a very good discussion restatement and you properly outlined the presentation as well. However, you created a run-on sentence in your final presentation in that paragraph. Always adhere to the 3 sentence ruling in the introduction and conclusion restatements. Every sentence gains more clarity when presenting only one topic within its presentation.

Grammatically, the essay does have several sentence structure problems. The method by which you expressed yourself still remained understandable in the presentation regardless of the mistake in sentence structure and word choice. Brush up on your vocabulary and do more sentence development exercises to gain more proficiency in these areas. Exercises are available online and through apps. By the way, academic essays always avoid using ellipses (...) in its presentations. Those are normally used in creative writing to depict serious thought or additional information not indicated on the page. Do not use it to connect one sentence to another.

Additionally, each paragraph needs to depicts only up to 2 related topics in the presentation. These are connected, not using ellipses, but by using an explanatory transition sentence in the middle of the paragraph. The transition sentence should clearly explain the transfer of ideas from one to the next. All of these should be completed within a maximum of 5 sentences. Writing more will not assure you of a higher score. Writing 5 sentences will, in the end, allow you to have some extra time to refine your essay. The refinement will offer you a better chance to improve your presentation and improve your score as opposed to you just writing more without double checking the presentation for vocabulary, clarity, and grammar issues.

You should be happy with the work you did here. Regardless of the problems with the presentation, I strongly believe, based on the scoring criteria and considerations, that you would get a 6 with this type of presentation.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2: education on junk food overconsumption. Discuss both views and provide your own opinion. [3]

You cannot include your opinion in the concluding paragraph because you are required to support your opinion with personal knowledge, experience, or public observations. In this case, you got the essay right for the first 3 presentations. Remember to count your paragraphs so that you will not forget to write a strong personal opinion. The essay requires two public opinion discussions, plus your point of view. So, if you add up everything you have to do with the essay, you end up with a 5 paragraph requirement. Each paragraph is represented as:

- Paraphrase with restated discussion instructions
- POV 1
- POV 2
- Personal opinion
- Concluding restatement based on the preceding information.

The last paragraph has to restate your opinion, provide a reminder of the 3 pov discussions by providing reworded topic sentences, then closing the essay with a tie-up sentence.

Good job with your discussion though. It is clear even though there are still some grammar issues. It isn't too stressful for the reader to understand. You should keep practicing writing English sentences and watching English sub-titled movies to further improve your sentence development skills.

Writing Feedback / Statement of Purpose for MA Fashion Buying and Merchandising/Contemporary Fashion Buying [3]

The first paragraph is wasting valuable word space. It does not help your essay move forward. The first paragraph should be a clear declaration of your purpose for studies. You have to start this essay off with an impressive hook if you want to interest the reviewer in reading the rest of your essay. In actuality, the purpose of your advanced studies remains unclear throughout the essay. The statement of purpose should indicate a summarized form of your presentation in the first paragraph. Clearly indicating the professional connection of your academic desire to learn to complete an MA in Fashion Buying and Merchandising. You can revise the first paragraph by saying something similar to:

When I was first asked to design and create my own outfit, I decided, that based on my drawings, the material should be (whatever). However, when I began to choose the materials, I realized that what I had in mind and what was actually available were two different things. Thus began my journey to becoming a fashion buyer. Academically, I was backed by (information), professionally, I had a lot to learn. Hence my desire to pursue these studies.

As a fashion designer, I can complete the perfect whatever on paper. Choosing the right materials are a different story. I have found that I lack skills in... Therefore, the most solid representation of my purpose for studies is to ...

This is how I would have approached the essay from the start. Similar paragraphs will help you open with a strong purpose and explanation. Your academic reason for choosing the university is too shallow. Use your academic goals in relation to the course offerings to depict the perfect match between your interests and the ability of the university to educate you. Right now, the essay doesn't really give serious reasons for your choice. The current reasons are too selfish, not really academic related, and relies on basic information about the university that doesn't reflect any true reasons for your university choice. The reviewer will not be impressed by this essay at this point.

Scholarship / Forest ecosystem - Skill and knowledge to contribute to the development of your home country [4]

There is not "If I will be..." in this essay. This is a post study plan. Which means you need to convince the reviewer that you have a viable career to go back to upon graduation. You also need to offer information that shows your career path in relation to the degree that you will be completing. Without that, the essay becomes weak and non-competitive.

For this essay, consider what your career plan upon your return to your country is. Indicate what you "will do" with certainty. Using words that refer to uncertainty in the essay will mean that you do not have a clue about what you will be doing after graduation. The essay needs to be revised to use a stronger, more confident voice. You can start this essay off, in a stronger manner by saying:

Upon my return to my country, my focus will be on securing a job at (agency). This agency is in charge of ( whatever that relates to your MS degree). I fully expect to be hired as a (position). This position will enable me to...

You get the idea. Revise the essay presentation accordingly.

Writing Feedback / Sustainable development, urbanization in the cities [7]

There are two problem areas in your essay. The prompt paraphrase is incorrect and the second paragraph does not clearly explain itself. Hence, these will be the two areas that my review will focus on.

In your paraphrase, you did not include a paraphrase of the sentence topic in the essay which is " These days, people from urban areas come to the city to look for a better life. " Without the paraphrase of that sentence, the presentation you used took on an alternative discussion slant to a small degree. The rest of your paraphrase is alright and stays within the remaining paraphrase requirements. So the first sentence should have been included by kicking off your paraphrase with the following:

The promise of a better life has enticed residents of metropolitan areas to move to intraurban locations...

Keep your paragraphs within 5 sentences. Do not try to discuss too many topics in your paragraphs so that what happens is that you just keep giving reasons, without adding supporting examples to justify your claims. It is more important to present 2 justified claims than 3 mentioned reasons. You will score better in the C&C section if you better explain your reasons by using proper sentence transitions within the 5 sentence maximum. You need only 2 related reasons in one paragraph which is connected by the transition sentence. For example you could have said:

... The results of these problems can be seen in the rise in urban crime rate. Then you could have proceeded to mention the crime problem.

The second body paragraphs lack subjects in the way the sentence is presented. The possible solution is presented, but the reason why suggestions such as these will work is not there. Therefore, the essay does not contain a clear discussion.

The conclusion is only a single sentence, It does not follow the minimum 3 sentence requirement. That happened because you did not do the reverse paraphrase as required by these Task 2 essays. Next time, increase the sentences in the conclusion so that you can also raise your word count in relation to the scoring criteria.

Writing Feedback / Ielts Writing Task 1: the distribution of employment among agriculture, services and industries [6]

Try to be more consistent with your time frame references. Since these measurements have already been completed, you are to present the information in the past tense mode. Creating confusion with regards to the time situation of the essay will create an incoherent and less cohesive paragraph and information presentation. So you will find yourself with severe GRA and LR points deductions in relation to this problem. The LR deductions will stem from the misrepresented meaning of the word being used (present instead of past tense).

Let us not forget, you will also receive additional deductions due to your inability to use proper punctuation marks throughout your essay. You failed to use a full stop, also known as a period in several places within your presentation. Further LR deductions will be applied to the 3 misspelled words in your presentation (propotion = proportion, roughtly= roughly, decrese = decrease).

These problems with your scores occurred because of one reason alone, you did not review, revise, and edit the paper you wrote. Always make it a practice to self-edit prior to the submission of your paper. You will kick yourself if you fail the test based on errors that could have been spotted and corrected prior to submitting the essay. Always leave at 3-5 minutes to do that. Your score will always be better for it.