Scholarship / What is the benefit of becoming a GOI-IES Scholar, to yourself (personally and professionally) [2]

This essay needs to be divided into three parts. The three sections are the personal, academic, and professional. However, it does not require the type of discussion that you are presenting here. You should not be outlining your plans per section. Rather, you should be discussing your goals per section in comparison to the Irish social norms, educational priorities, and business models. You have to find the comparable points of your goals that the objectives of the program so that you can justify your qualifications based on the shared interests. You have to highlight how your shared interests will be beneficial to both Ireland and your personal growth (social), academics (educational), and professional interests ( career goals). The references need to intersect or highlight the benefits that both sides will have should you become a scholar under the program. For example, you could say that;

My business interests in my home country relate to how our cattle farmers have always needed help in getting small farm loans so they can buy cows and cattle. Ireland supports their farmers through subsidized bank loans to help the farmer make the same purchases. I want to study this business model as a masters degree student in Ireland. I will ensure that I am exposed to both the farming and banking industries so that...

I just made up the information above. I had to show you an example of how a blended interest paragraph is presented in this essay. It should give you an idea of how to revise the whole essay so that you will better represent the your shared values and objectives with the scholarship.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 ESSAY crime prevention, government or individual [4]

Proper nouns such as Kungfu are always capitalized. Since this is being spelled in the British English language, there are differences between the American and British word spelling that need to be noted. One of these differences is in the way the word self - defense (American) is spelled self - defence (British). Kindly remember that you cannot use a capital letter after a comma, unless stating a proper noun. You made this mistake in the essay presentation. I think you made a mistake with your punctuation mark, which is why this error was created.

This is a 5 paragraph comparison and personal opinion discussion essay. You did not reflect that in the original prompt and you did not use the proper public point of view reference words in your body paragraphs. The combination would have automatically failed this essay in the TA section, thus causing you to fail the whole test. The correct paraphrase is:

Crime prevention is seen by most citizens as being part of local community governance. However, there are some community members who opine that personal safety is an individual issue. Since I have concerns regarding this discussion, I thought it best to consider the points of each discussion so that I can come to a personal conclusion regarding it.

This type of essay follows a 5 paragraph format composed of:
- Paraphrase
- POV 1 (Community safety supporters explain that...)
- POV 2 :Normally the side you support (self-defence advocates support the idea that...)
- Personal opinion (I support the discussion that indicates...)
- Concluding summary

If you review successful Task 2 essays, you will note that their conclusions do not contain personal opinions but instead, summarizes the body paragraphs prior to closing the discussion. In this instance, your essay is not concluded, even though you said "In conclusion" because there was no summary presented. You have to build your personal opinion in a prior paragraph first.

Scholarship / [NTU] Scholarship on Father - 300 words [5]

I am not sure what the prompt you are responding to is at this point.The essay seems to be heavily slanted towards discussing your father's background rather than actually discussing his influence on you. I do not feel that such a concentration his past and the inclusion of your grandfather in the essay is required. The focus of the essay is less on you and the influence of your father's struggles on your vision for your own future. Rather, it focuses on how your father got out of poverty. Unless I know what the actual prompt for this essay is, I can't properly direct your essay with regards to content and clarity. As of now, the essay works on its own. Without consideration of the prompt requirements. I am not sure if I will hold the same opinion once I read the essay writing instructions. It could change based on the actual focus or topic of the discussion guide.

Writing Feedback / Newspapers information is more reputable and trusted than the news on the internet [3]

There is a great degree of difficulty in relation to understanding the text of the paragraphs you have written. The problem comes from how you structured the English sentences and the type of words / vocabulary that you used in the creation of the presentation. I believe that you have this problem because you tried to use equivalent words in English from your native language. In addition to that, you do not have enough English vocabulary knowledge to know when you are not using the correct translated word in the sentence. One of the most confusing presentations in your essay is:

While the news on the internet are divided many spices and have many sources different, unknown.

This is a hanging sentence that is lacking a secondary subject. The word "While" is often used to connect 2 related but different discussions. It is best not to use it at the start of a sentence or paragraph because it creates a confusing sentence presentation.

The internet is not divided into "spices". It is divided into spaces or sections. Spices are used in cooking. What exactly did you mean by "... sources different, unknown." ? The correct sentence structure, represented with clarity is: News on the internet is divided into many sections, it also has many different and unknown sources.

There are several other problems with your essay but I thought it best to focus on the main problem that will make you fail the test. In my observation, you require additional English comprehension exercises and grammar exercises before you can go back to trying to write essays. If you cannot construct proper English sentences, you will end up failing the test. Right now, your English is at the beginner level, which means you have a long way to go before you can properly express yourself in English.

Grammar, Usage / An essay with the usage of certain words [2]

Why don't you try to write an essay about a festival you have attended, a family occasion, a vacation you have taken in another place, or something similar? Those are the usual situations where people use the descriptive words you have posted above in their writing. You can use the terms to describe the place, the food, the atmosphere, the people, or the sense of belonging you felt during your participation in the event. You can write specifically, about a "Save the Earth" type of gathering where people normally put into practice the above descriptive words. It would be easy to write 200 words about that festival.

Writing Feedback / Accept a bad situation, or work hard to improve such situations [3]

This essay has directly disregarded the prompt instruction for a comparative discussion of the 2 points of view before the personal opinion. As such, the examiner will clearly see that you do not have very good English comprehension instructions. You will not get a passing mark for this test because you responded to only the last part of the essay, the personal opinion. There are two other sections that need to be discussed and represented in the essay. Failure to do so means the examiner will have no choice but to score you only on the part you responded to, deducting points for the possible word count that should have applied to the missing 2 opinions. Therefore, this essay, though able to represent your personal opinion, will not get a passing mark.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2 essay Using animals for testing the medicines [3]

Why do you constantly disregard the prompt discussion instruction in your prompt paraphrase? How many times do I have to tell you that the outline is strictly followed for the paraphrase? I sound like a broken record already. I am confused as to how you think you can give proper advice to the other students here when you cannot correct your own mistakes, regardless of how often these same mistakes are pointed out to you. It is difficult for others to follow the advice and examples of others who constantly make the same mistakes, even after a mirror is held up to them to show them how they keep making the same mistakes over and over again. Opening your textbook to give advice to other students is not the same as being able to properly write your essays to serve as positive examples to the others wanting and willing to learn from an exchange of information and observing how the mistakes of others can be properly corrected.

Maybe you are ignoring my advice because you think you are better than a contributor and you are just coming here to show off. It seems you do not want to receive advice that can help you pass the test. There is no way I can help you if you constantly make the same mistakes. Then again, maybe you don't want my help. You just want to show off and have your ego stroked by having others tell you how good your work is, when it isn't. I am not in the practice of paying lip service to the students here. I call it as it is and I expect to see improvements in the work of students who repeatedly post here. Student's like yourself. When that doesn't happen, I have to issue an ultimatum.

This will be the final advice I will be giving you. Fail to correct your mistakes in your next posting and you will no longer receive advice from me. Which is probably what you would like to happen. You can wait to receive accolades from the other students, just like yourself, in this forum instead. Now, I will do my job and review your work, which has the same mistakes again, one more time.

Again, the introduction and conclusion have the same mistakes I keep pointing out in the essays you have been writing. Just review the advice I gave (if you wish) on those essays to learn how to improve and correct those mistakes. The format for the discussion always needs ownership phrases within the topic sentences of each paragraph to indicate a clear discussion point and point of view. Without it, the discussion becomes only personal in approach. The total essay is only partially correct in discussion approach. TA deductions will follow suit due to the lack of representation for the first 2 required opinions. No matter how well you think you discussed the essay, your inability to follow the discussion instructions will cause your essay to receive a less than passing mark.

Writing Feedback / Self Study Ielts Task 1: Population for different type of turtles in India from 1980 to 2012 [4]

Your paragraphs need to be consisted with at least 3 sentences to be considered full paragraphs. You have some presentations with only 2 sentences. That misses the minimum sentence mark. You have not written enough words to be accurately judged for the rest of the scoring requirements as well. With only 154 words, you wrote only 4 words over the minimum requirement. That limits your scoring potential based on all scoring considerations to only the slimmest passing potential. Try to write at least 175 words so that you will have a better chance of getting a passing mark or above passing mark on your next practice essay.

You did a good job in presenting the basic information from the line graph. Though the grammar is faulty at times, your report is still understandable. However, you did not do comparison discussions where you could have to help increase your word count. The comparative discussions stem from the years when the populations for certain turtle species overlapped. That is the kind of information that helps you write more and highlight your ability to develop a coherent and cohesive report presentation. Try to do that next time.

Writing Feedback / Introduction about my country - Somalia [2]

The main problem with your essay is the lack of capitalization throughout the presentation. You did not capitalize the name of countries a total of 20 times in your presentation. I am not sure why you did not capitalize the first letter of a country's name. That is English Grammar 101. All nouns are capitalized. Nouns are the names of persons, places, and things. Pronouns are capitalized when used at the start of a sentence. The exception being the pronoun I, which is always capitalized regardless of its location within the sentence.

I am wondering how you could make this mistake. If you used a word processing program, it would have highlighted such errors. If you used a mobile phone, the auto-correct would have shown you the correct spelling of the word. There is simply no excuse for such an extensive error in word capitalization.

As far as punctuation mark use is concerned, you constantly used a comma where a period was required. Creating long and hard to follow sentences. Rather than connecting ideas using a comma, offer clarity in the paragraph by using a period after sentences instead.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2 Technology has made men less/more sociable. Opinion essay [2]

In a 3 paragraph discussion essay, you have to present the following body of paragraphs:

- 1st POV
- 2nd POV
- Personal opinion based on the first 2 POV.

You created a prompt deviation in your presentation because the original prompt called not only for a discussion of both views, but also a presentation of your personal opinion. You decided that you know better than the prompt and you wanted to discuss only the 2 public opinions. As such, you will be scored in a failing manner in the TA section because you used a tangential response in the essay. There will be points deductions for the personal point of view that you did not represent in your discussion.

You are constantly making the same mistakes in your essays, so I will no longer be repeating those discussions. I'll just focus on the newest errors based on your approach to this essay topic.

Writing Feedback / Is it necessary to spend large sums of money on constructing new railway lines for very fast trains? [2]

Both of you addressed the essay in the wrong manner. A clear misunderstanding of the prompt requirement is indicated. Both your versions and both of you converted the essay from a public point of view consideration as the basis of your personal opinion, to a personal opinion (sometimes measured response) essay. Neither are correct because the prompt should have been restated using the following outline feature:

Citizens of several countries believe that the government budget should not be heavily spent on new train track construction. This is contradicted by others who support the idea that state funding should definitely be spent on the development of mass transit development. I would like to offer my opinion on the discussion after considering the reasoning for both publicly supported sides.

Note: Sentence 1 paraphrases the first pov, sentence 2, the second pov, then it summarizes the outline by providing the discussion outline in the body paragraphs. That is the standard format for the introduction paraphrase. Both of you created prompt deviations, both of you would have failed the TA section because of it.

@xtunx, your essay suffers from the use of too many words to make your point. This results in long-winded sentences that do not have any meaning until you get to the end of the paragraph. It is incoherent and non-cohesive in presentation. Therefore, you should practice starting your paragraph with a sentence topic, then simply following that up with 2 or 3 supporting sentences before moving on to the next one. You need clarity in your presentation. You already showed that you can write in English and that you can be understood, with a little difficulty. The difficulty stems from the way you position you topic sentences as the end of the paragraphs.

Your concluding paraphrase is also incorrect. It has to follow the format of the introduction. Only this time, it has to summarize the body of paragraphs and repeat your opinion based on the given topic.

Writing Feedback / In the modern world, there is a movement away from written exams to more practical assessment [4]

There are several problems with your writing. The first is that you are not achieving the minimum 3 sentence requirement in the TA and conclusion paragraphs. As these two sections are directly related to the TA score, the examiner will take this to mean that you did not understand the instructions very well, which is why you wrote so little in these paragraphs. Always aim for a 3 sentence paragraph. For the introduction and conclusion paragraphs, provide a 3 sentence outline as a minimum presentation.

Your paragraphs are incoherent and not cohesive because you are trying to discuss at least 2 ideas in every paragraph. You need only one topic sentence per paragraph to score well in the C&C section. Each paragraph needs to fully explain one idea in 3-5 sentences. If you compare your firs topic discussion with your second topic discussion in the same paragraph, you will notice that one explanation, the first one, is better explained in the paragraph than the second topic. That is why you are asked to write a minimum of 3 paragraphs. You can already score well in the C&C section, along with the GRA rating if you write 3 sentences that:

- Have a clear topic sentence
- Has an understandable explanation
- Has a good example or personal experience provided

Remember, the important matter here is not to just use plenty of English words, you have to prove that you can use the English words to explain yourself. If you cannot do that, then you will not perform well in an English class where you will be expected to participate in both written and oral English. Based on the gravity of your grammar mistakes, which show a serious problem with English grammar rules and sentence construction (word choice errors, wrong use of capitalization, sentence formatting, etc.), contractions, your possible score could be a 5. You discussed the topic well in the body but it was heavy with grammar issues and thought progression problems. You have the potential to score even higher if you learn to become careful with your essay developments in the future.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2. Discuss about the importance of History and Science and Technology [5]

The essay failed to fulfill the Task Accuracy requirements in the first paragraph. You did not properly restate the topic and discussion instructions. You instead went immediately into a discussion of the topic, without informing the reader about the outline presentation for the discussion, through your prompt paraphrase. You could have done it this way instead:

The educational institutions often give extra attention to the study of History. However, these days, members of the population believe that Science and Technology prove to be more crucial to modern day studies. This essay will consider the discussion of sides so that I may ponder a personal opinion presentation in the end.

Spelling errors abound in this presentation. Far too many for me to correct in a simple post. Learn to use spellcheck when typing into the Word program. A red line indicates a possible misspelled word. Remember the correct spelling from there. You were so careless with your typing that you did not even try to be careful when typing. You neglected to place a space between words a few times, which made the essay difficult to read. Your English vocabulary in this essay is so bad, it is not going to receive a passing LR or C&C score. Your sentence structures are so problematic, you will definitely get a failing score in the GRA section. This is not a passing score essay at all. I strongly urge you to do sentence structure exercises before you even try to write another practice essay. That is necessary to help you gain an overall better score in your succeeding practice tests. Become proficient in English writing first. Right now, you are at the beginner level, you need to be at least intermediate in the writing level to be able to score better in the future.

It is because of the intricate and analytical procedure involved in scoring that students are not allowed to score each other at this forum. As a trained contributor, I do not want to give false information and false hope to the students who want to truly learn how to write a good essay. The job of scoring is exclusive to the contributor, who is trained to examine an essay's strength and weaknesses in relation to scoring considerations. Do not believe the scores given by fellow students. It is the most inaccurate review you can get from them.

Do not use special punctuation marks such as ellipses (...) in an academic presentation. Those are word fillers that indicate a continuation of a previous discussion. It was used improperly in this presentation. That is also why it should not be used in a formal academic presentation. The same rules of formality apply to the existence of conjunctions in your essay. It is the formal way to write an academic paper.

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay task 2 Imprisonment vs education as a solution to crime [5]

You forgot to indicate the strength of your opinion in the essay. Remember, the keyword in the original instruction is "extent". That requires you to use a measured response that shows an emotional capacity to support or not support a given statement. Some measurement words you can use are "Fully, totally, partially, equally, great extent", among others. Save for that missing response element, you did a good job in rephrasing the discussion for the examiner.

You gave a coherent, discussion. However, you still had problems with sentence formation and vocabulary usage at certain points. I hope to see you improving in these aspects moving forward. By the way, in the conclusion, you restated your stand twice. You only need to state that once. The last sentence could always be a restatement of the original discussion topic. Use the following format when you can:

- restate the topic
- indicate your stance
- formulate the reasoning summary in a concluding sentence manner.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1: The government expenditure in 2010 and 2015 [4]

Your summary overview does not contain complete information. The 9 areas of comparison in relation to the comparison years should be presented. You also did not reference the measurement type in the summary, which is a required presentation. There is no clear trending statement indicated in your presentation as well. You have at least two run on sentences in this presentation. Some of your presentations do not complete the 3 sentence minimum requirement for each paragraph. You are using words of uncertainty in the essay when each measurement is given precisely in the pie charts. Your presentation could have been better and, contrary to the above scoring assumption, students are not allowed to score fellow students at this forum because students are not qualified nor trained to score these essays, you did not write an above average scoring essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 1: the layout of an island as it was earlier, with the development of its infrastructure later [4]

The changes have already taken place. Therefore, you should not be using present tense in this essay. The changes are not currently happening. It has already happened. The past tense is the best form of time reference for your presentation. Your essay lacks a description of the original island map. Without it, the changes you have presented do not make too much sense. You needed to explain what the island looked like before so that you could make proper comparisons where relevant while discussing the changes that were implemented. That is why the paragraph comparisons are not accurate enough. You need to present before and after information. For example:

The original island was only composed of Palm trees with an undeveloped beach. The whole island was measured to be 100 meters from the sea on all fronts. Based on this set-up, the island was developed to be more tourist friendly. The island was developed and amenities were provided for guests. Overall, the island underwent significant changes after the renovation was completed.

Writing Feedback / IELTS1: Earnings generated by the selling Fairtrade-labelled coffee and bananas in five countries [5]

Aside from the lack of past tense usage, you should also look into the way that you present the discussions. When you are dealing with 2 charts portraying 2 different products, do the comparison by group. That means you will be able to present a clearer comparison of the coffee consumption and earnings in one paragraph. By using related discussions you will be able to present a highly cohesive and coherent paragraph. You will also not miss any important data within the presentation.

The first paragraph, the summary overview could have used an extra sentence to help better present the summary of information. Avoid lumping 2 sets of information in one sentence. That is considered a run on and will deduct from your C&C score. Also, never use information in a parenthesis in your presentation. Academic essays require full sentence presentations as a part of the main paragraph. It is never mentioned as an afterthought, which is what the parenthesis means. The parenthesis indicates related, but unimportant information. There is no such data in a Task 1 essay.

Graduate / I am willing and able to share mentioned skills and competence with MBA's classmates. [4]

What is the word maximum requirement for this essay? I believe that the paragraphs will benefit from more explanations. Right now, you are mostly telling the reviewer about your leadership skills without qualifying your claims. By qualifying your claims, you should present obstacles that faced the team, an explanation of what your team participation was, and the final outcome of your participation. Highlight if this is a leadership or teamwork participation. Explain , based on your understanding of the course requirements, why you believe that these attributes will prove to be of vital significance and assistance to your classmates in a group setting.

You will also need to have your presentation edited for grammar and clarity. The presentation is a bit difficult to understand because of the way that the sentences are written and how the paragraphs are structured. So the additional information needs to be added in a manner that will allow you to edit your work simultaneously.

Scholarship / Fostering dreams - My QuestBridge Bio Essay #2! [3]

This essay suffers from an even bigger problem, I learned more about the foster kid, your mother's desire to foster kids, and why you mother decided to foster them than I did about how the foster set up at your home directly affected you. This isn't the way to go. Neither is the first essay that focused way too much on your mother. Let me see if I can spell this out better for you with some guidelines.

- Ask yourself, what was the most life changing moment that happened in my life? For the outline list the top 3. Weigh the lessons you learned by listing these in columns, the one with the most lessons becomes the topic for this essay.

- Why do you think this event helped to form the aspirations in your life? Again, outline the aspirations that stemmed from the experience. Come up with 5, Discuss the top 3 in relation to one another.

- Based on this event and your aspirations, how would you qualify these as having affected your life? Explain in a full paragraph.
- Based on these self-reflections, would you say these have helped you mature in life? Use examples to illustrate your explanation.

Try this tactic. The guidelines may help you better focus on yourself in the essay instead of every Tom. Dick, and Harry that entered your life because of your mother. Do not focus on them, focus on yourself in relation to them. The least mention of your mother and other strangers, the better.

Writing Feedback / Do young people have influence on society's decisions that determine the future of society? [2]

There is evidence of researched material in the presentation, which means you would not be able to write this well based on practical experience, reasons, and examples. Research is not an option during the actual test so don't do that during the practice rounds.

When you presented the example in this essay, you should have used a stand alone paragraph for that. The reason being that the example tells a story that is supportive of the information you presented but deals with a totally different subject. Therefore, it is the second part of the explanation. Hence, a different paragraph.

I am not sure why you felt the need to deviate from the original discussion topic in your prompt paraphrase. There was no need to involve the officials in the presentation because they were not mentioned in the original statement. Do not add any data that cannot be supported by the original prompt in the paraphrase.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: International aid - opinion essay [3]

Your prompt paraphrase is not very clear. That is because you wrote it as a run-on sentence instead of individual sentences. Remember, every paragraph needs to have a minimum of 3 sentences of varying lengths, before it can be considered a complete paragraph. Let me show you a sample of how you could have framed the paraphrase:

People have been contemplating the way that the state has been contributing financial help to other nations. Since there are indigents in their own country, they believe that overseas aid should not be given. I strongly believe that this stand should be supported for several reasons.

Separate each topic as presented in the original by giving it a solo sentence. That is how you keep the clarity in your presentation and ensure that it will be easily understood by the reader.

For the conclusion, you should have repeated the original prompt before you repeated your opinion. This serves as the summary of the total discussion so it should contain:

- Original topic
- Your response
- The reasons
- Closing sentence

Again, try to avoid run-on sentences. You want to score well in the GRA plus C&C sections too right?

Letters / My tryst with technology - motivation letter for Erasmus Degree in Medical Imaging and Application [3]

The main problem with this motivational letter is that it does not signify your professional motivation for higher studies. The reviewer is not interested in your academic biography. For the motivation letter you have to explain the following:

- Your current job position
- What your duties are
- What your observations regarding your line of work are in relation to your theoretical and skill building
- How your academic goals developed from this exposure
- How these combined experiences created a solid motivation / academic goal for yourself

Since you are pursuing an Erasmus scholarship, you need to know that you are vying for a scholarship that accepts only the most qualified individuals in their fields of work. Your current presentation does not make you a contender because it is all about your undergraduate background. Since there is no professional relationship indicated in this essay, the reviewers may believe that you are not qualified for a masters scholarship at the moment.

Revise the essay by writing about your professional aspirations. I already provided the guidelines for it above.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2 Reading Ebooks vs watching TV and playing computer [5]

Your response to the prompt created as prompt deviation. That means, you are not discussing the prompt based on the question asked. To make it clear, let me show you where the mistakes lie in the presentation:

OP: To what extent do you agree or disagree?
YR: I believe that reading an e book holds more advantages.

As you can see, the response should have been a measured representation of your agreement to the given statement. It was not supposed to be and advantage/disadvantage response. An example of a more appropriate response is:

I strongly agree that reading ebooks...

Due to that deviation in your response, the TA will be marked as tangential and with an inappropriate response format. It will not achieve a passing mark. Your GRA score will also suffer due to the run-on sentences in every paragraph. You failed to appropriately use complex and simple sentences in the presentation. This affected the coherence of your discussion and created an non-cohesive paragraph presentation in the process. Therefore, the essay will not achieve a passing score.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 2: Jobs and assigned genders [3]

Without knowing what the actual prompt is, I would not really be able to provide a complete review of your work. However, I can point out the errors in your work, on a general basis, which would still have a serious effect on your final score.

It would be difficult for your essay to get a passing mark in this instance because the points deduction in the TA section, based on the missing word count would just be too severe. You are missing 32 words to meet the minimum requirement of 250 words. Add the grammar and spelling problems to the mix and the essay will truly not have a chance of achieving a passing score.

Students often get mixed up when spelling in British and American English. You will need to decide which version of the word spellings you want to use and make sure that you use that format throughout. The examiner will make allowances for spelling differences but, it would be in your best LR interests to spell the words such as laborer (labourer) in British English. An examiner will be impressed if you can show that you understand the grammar differences between the two types of English languages. Never use "etc." in an academic essay. Though it means "and so on and so forth". the examiner doesn't appreciate such short cuts in academic presentations.

Double check your essays before submitting for a grade. You have double punctuation marks in this essay and a capitalization for the word "in" when it should have been written in lower case. Believe it or not, such errors would produce heavy deductions in the LR and GRA scores of your essay. The combination of these errors would result in a less than passing score.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2: THE IMPACT OF THE INTERNET, POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE? Communication and quick information. [4]

Aside from a slight discussion deviation, you were able to defend your opinion very well. Also, you should have used a synonym for "the internet" because that is still a direct keyword from the original presentation. Synonyms for "the internet" include cyberspace, world wide web, hyperspace, information superhighway, and online network. It is important to use synonyms in the essay to highlight your lexical resources in relation to the given topic.

Your response to the prompt requirement is not developed in accordance with the question posed. The question was:

What are your opinion on this?

Based on the opinion:

...the overall effect of this technology has been positive

You changed the discussion direction by responding:

I believe that the benefits of such invention far outweigh its drawbacks. In this essay, there are two main reasons that I will explain why I think this way.

This is an opinion essay based on a specific statement given in the discussion prompt. You altered the positive benefits discussion by indicating a discussion by discussing drawbacks. The proper response would have been:

I believe that the existence of cyberspace in the everyday activities of people provides a beneficial influence. I base this opinion on 2 factors which will be discussed below.

Try not to alter the prompt response in the paraphrase so that you will not lose points in the TA section. Avoid using parenthesis in the essay. Always use full sentences and do not use "etc." in the presentation because this is an academic essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: Diagram on electricity generation from tides [5]

You misspelled "sea" as see. "See" means to have something in sight while "sea" is a body of water. Be careful of homonyms in your presentation The difference in spelling and meaning, when you use the incorrect word in a sentence will cause points deductions for your LR score. Disregarding that very slight error in word usage on your part, it is safe to say that your Task 1 essay properly explains the procedure based on the guidelines in the diagram. It is important that you do not fall into the trap of using run-on sentences in your presentations. I

in these types of presentations, students often tend to use commas to form an inclusive sentence for several discussions. It would be safer if you do not join more than 2 connected procedures in one sentence. You can avoid accidentally creating run-on sentences that way. It also allows you to better mix up your sentence presentation so that you have an equal number of complex and simple sentences in the presentation. Once these practices become second nature to you, you will find that your writing will be easier and your scores will also be increased based on the grading rubic.

Good job! Keep writing, you have the potential to score highly in this type of task. I look forward to reviewing more of your practice essays.

Writing Feedback / Wrting task 2 - Foreign students in English-Speaking countries to learn English [4]

You may want to rethink your word count in the future. 351 words is considered overboard in Task 2 writing. Based on the 40 minute time requirement, you cannot write that many words. Most specially when you consider that all of the sentences that you wrote were just long sentences. Run-on sentences, as these are known, tend to decrease the clarity and direction of your discussions. It causes several points deductions under the GRA and C&C scoring blocks. The examiner will have a difficult time following your flow of thought and as such, might mistakenly mark down your TA accomplishment as well. You don't have to keep the essay very short, but it doesn't have to be very long either. 275-300 words is usually sufficient to allow for editing time during the actual test. Remember, this is not a research paper, it is an opinion paper. Direct discussions that showcase your English comprehension skills matter more to the examiner than you trying to show off your vocabulary and ability to write a lot of English words.

You have a little prompt deviation in your paraphrase paragraph. You needed to indicate a degree of agreement, not just an agreement. Additionally, you were not asked to discuss why students should learn English in their own countries. That caused prompt deviations which will be deducted from the TA score. The best way to score better ? Don't add personal discussion topics and stick to responding to only the prompt question while discussing only information based on the prompt topic.

Each sentence in your paragraph presentation is over discussed but lacking in clarity due to the sentence length presented. Use no more than 5 sentences of moderate length to ensure that you will be able to deliver both simple and complex sentences that represent the following requirements:

- Topic sentence
- Justification
- Justification 2 (optional)
- Example or personal experience
- Transition sentence

Writing Feedback / People visiting nations - a line chart bellow by summarizing the information [4]

The summary overview is incomplete. It does not mention the measurement factor (in the millions). The trending statement was left as an open sentence as you failed to use a period at the end to indicate the close of the sentence. Do not use words of uncertainty and measurement assumptions in an essay that directly provides numerical data. You can only use the assumption presentation for graphs that do not indicate actual measurements or for measurements that fall between two numerical representations. Travelers is spelled with a double L (travellers). You also forgot to use a comma after an adverbial (million, respectively). I have to call your attention to the word count. 217 words for a task 1 essay is too much. You need to stop at the 200 mark so that you will have editing time within the 20 minute task. It is not enough to just complete the writing. It is more important to make sure that your essay meets all of the grading requirements so you can achieve the best score for your work. That is done by leaving an editing time of 5 minutes towards the end. So you 5 minutes to outline, 10 minutes to write, and 5 minutes to edit, revise, and finalize the copy.

Scholarship / I got it from my Moma - Questbridge bio essay [3]

You are right about this essay focusing too much on your mother. It needs to be revised. You can keep the first paragraph, remove the second paragraph in totality, then use the third paragraph as your new second paragraph. Revise the rest of the essay from that point. Even the closing paragraph is too much about your mother. What you can do for the rest of the paragraphs is use the experience of your mother's life and your observation of it to describe why you don't want to have that life instead of why she doesn't want that life for you. Use the same information only this time, be self-reflective. Think about how you would want to give your mother a better life. Talk about the financial disadvantages your family had to overcome so that you could have a chance to go to college. Talk about how the hardships of your mother inspired you to deliver more than just C's on the card, because that was the only joy you could give her. Information like that should help pivot the discussion towards you.

Undergraduate / CHANGING SCENERY; Loyola Marymount University application question - Critical thinking [2]

This is a somewhat correct response to the prompt. Depending upon what your word allotment is, you could have better threshed out the discussion regarding critical thinking in relation to character. You don't really deliver a clear idea of what critical areas of consideration you weighed when making this decision. The response is a bit too simplistic, almost matter of fact. Try to portray the character building considerations that motivated you to choose to move across the seas and rebuild the relationship with your father. In the end, don't just say this was the better choice. Give examples of character building and critical thinking development that occurred when you arrived and began living in the new situation. These will help to better define how your critical thinking resulted in character building in line with the quotation from Martin Luther King. Show the change in you that stemmed from this choice as something that would not have happened had you chosen the safer option. You see, the main part that is weak in this presentation is how "your choices or decisions integrated intelligence and character.". Give the reviewer more information. Don't just gloss over it. Prove it through examples and inner reflection, or personal discussions with your conscience.

Writing Feedback / Reasons for seeking happiness and successful in foreign countries. [3]

This is an IELTS Task 2 question. Are you practicing to take that test? You did not specify if you were. I will pretend at this point that you were actually working towards taking the IELTS test and judge your essay accordingly. For starters, the task only allots 40 minutes for the response. That means you cannot write a research paper length essay for it. At 582 words, this is not an exam essay, this is a research paper. It doesn't sound to me like you are writing a research paper since there are no quoted sources in your presentation. All the more reason for me to believe that you are writing for a Task 2 essay. Next time, use a timer. You will see that you cannot write this many words within 40 minutes.

You should not "hold this opinion" for the essay. You should give a direct response to the question based on a simple paraphrase of the given topic. The basic rule is: Give a direct response for every direct question you receive, in the section it was asked. There is no need to use a textbook definition of happiness. You already knew that you were going to be basing your explanation on a personal point of view. So there was no sense in doing that. In fact, I am wondering why you are defining what life is when the question is about whether or not people are happier because they move from one place to another. Perhaps you were trying to be philosophical, but that wasn't what the question was about.

If you will insist on mentioning statistical studies, you will need to give the data specifically and the source of the information. For a task 2 essay, it is better to opt for common knowledge and personal experience. Otherwise, there is a question as to the validity of your claims and whether these are truly applicable to the task.

You failed to use proper paragraph presentations. I believe I had already told you once before that you need to separate the discussion topics for clarity and ease of reading. Try to do it next time. You will see a change in the clarity of your work.

Writing Feedback / Turtles in India (four different species) - IELTS Writing Task 1, line graph [3]

The summary overview could have been more completely represented in the paragraph by indicating several additional information. These information are:
- The types of turtles
- The index measurement
- The trending statement

While you did place the trending statement as a stand alone sentence at the end of the presentation. The task 1 essay is normally composed of only 3 paragraphs with the trending sentence placed somewhere in the summary overview. This creates a more informative summary and also, creates a more cohesive discussion presentation and outline for the discussion.

It seems that you failed to use the numbers indicated per turtle species in the chart. Why is that? The turtles starting population were signified by these numbers. You should have used it in the presentation prior to the comparative presentation.

Letters / Sustainable and Innovative Resource Management (SINReM) - Motivational Letter [3]

Not all of the information contained in this essay provides itself as useful to a motivational letter for the scholarship. Some of the information works well in a statement of purpose. The others, in a personal statement. For this essay only a few of the paragraphs can be used to define your motivation. The following information can be used to revise the essay into a personal statement. I will be including sections of the existing paragraphs as reference for you to use.

- All of paragraph 1
- In the private sector, we mainly focused on meeting the sales demand conforming to industry norms on health, safety, and environment operating at optimum cost. Through the years, optimizing procedures, processes, and systems have been our goal in the operations division. (Discuss the problems you encounter in these sectors that have motivated your interest in higher education.What insurmountable obstacles have you encountered that can only be worked around by additional education and training? )

- All of paragraph 4

The last paragraph is not part of a motivation letter. The suggestions above should make the revised version sound more like a motivation letter than the current version. This version does not indicate motivations, it indicates your background and training, plus work experiences for the most part. Those information should be placed in the statement of purpose, where the relationship between your studies and your training come into play for the reviewer's consideration.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - Railways development or Roads development [3]

On the contrary, you did not do a very good job on this essay because you did not immediately address the task requirement. The discussion requirement indicates that you must discuss the topic based on:

To what extend do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Your response to the question was:

In my opinion, improving the railroads system will bring a great deal of benefits to the countries because of three main reasons.

While the essay does require you to use your personal opinion to justify your reasons, you must first give a direct measured response to the question provided. That response is never placed in the concluding paragraph because the whole basis of the discussion relies on your direct response to the question. The TA score, which is based heavily on your response to the question, is judged in the prompt paraphrase with response section. It is never judged as the conclusion of the essay.

Rather than using conjunctions in the essay, it is better to offer topic sentences. That is because the conjunctions are only word fillers that do not add anything to the overall scoring consideration of your essay. However, immediate topic sentences work very well. A direct conversation is necessary because of the time limit on the writing task. These conjunctions are just word fillers that do not help to move your discussion along. There is no need to count out the reasons once you have stated it as part of the introduction / paraphrase. There is after all a 3 maximum body for the paragraphs anyway.

What will happen now is that you will receive TA deductions based on the improper response to the prompt. Since the response is only partially related to the task, you will receive a TA score of around 5 because you only partially addressed the task. Like I mentioned before, the direct measured response is required.

In addition to that, you gave your measured response in the conclusion of the essay. This is an improper action to take because the conclusion is always used as a summary of the body of paragraphs discussion. It is also known as a reverse paraphrase because of this. This is an open ended essay, which means there is no true conclusion and as such, it will again receive a mark down due to it being an incomplete presentation.

Writing Feedback / [ IELTS TASK2] About - socialize online trend [5]

The essay is speaking of social media. Not the internet in general. Therefore your line of reasoning varies within the presentation, causing you to deviate in representation from the original prompt. There will be deductions every time you move away from the original prompt. Additionally, you should never use words of uncertainty in an essay that demands a solid be presented. That is because an uncertain reaction to the prompt means that you are unable to strongly defend your position and beliefs on the matter.

Your second paragraph gives a reason, but there is no topic sentence at the start. You should have started it off with something like; "We live in a constantly connected world. Distance is often the primary reason we tend to lose physical relationships with people we meet. " Or, you should have just started with the second sentence which has a clear topic sentence representation in " Most time it is difficult to meet each other face to face because we are far from each other. " Although imperfect grammar wise, the meaning of the sentence is clear. Remember, topic sentences make it easier for the examiner to understand what the paragraph will be all about.

I can see the effort you made to try and make an impression with your vocabulary. The problem, is that you are not yet at that status where you can try and use advanced English sentences properly. You are only at the simple sentence creation stage. You need to read more English based materials and, using a dictionary, learn the meaning of words so that you can use these properly in the sentences. Most of your points deductions will be in the C&C, LR, and GRA sections. These will be quite heavy deductions because of the degree of mistakes made in the final presentation.

Writing Feedback / Encouraging a sense of competition in children or teaching them cooperation? [2]

Since you are self studying, the first thing I want to call attention to is your word count. Always, practice using a timer so that you can find out if you write 275 or 300 words because, believe me, there is no way you can write 348 words during the actual test. Just remember this advice: Write 5 sentences per paragraph. You can't go wrong. That is the magic number of sentences you have to write if you are pursuing the highest possible score for your work. If you use a timer, you will notice that you will always be writing well within this sentence count. Anything more and you go overtime. You won't be able to double check the work for mistakes.

Your first paragraph, the prompt paraphrase should not contain the start of the discussion. This paragraph only focuses on the prompt restatement because of the 5 sentence requirement per paragraph. A more appropriate paraphrase for this statement is:

There is a discussion these days regarding whether or not children should be prodded to compete with one another. While some believe that kids should be inspired to compete, others think that lessons in collaboration between adolescents would offer better lessons that they can apply to their lives when they become grownups. I believe that rivalries offer more lessons to juveniles for several reasons.

My version provides a different version of the prompt discussion and requirements while changing the total presentation. That is the aim of the first paragraph, to show the examiner that you have a sufficient understanding of the English language and a wide enough vocabulary to state the original discussion in your own way. This is where the reading and comprehension skills come into play with the TA score. So you have to make sure to develop a good paraphrase in this paragraph.

Your second paragraph does not support your stance that competition teaches better lessons. The sense of competition in this discussion pertains to single person activities. In your example, you used a group competition example. This runs counter to your position because you had to cooperate within your team to win the game. This was a team competition, which does not function on the same requirements as single person competitions. So this reasoning is not very strong and the example, does not support the correct stance due to the team set up.

The example using your sister is more aligned with the competition point of view because of the way that she was driven to compete by her friend's success. However, it does not show a lesson that would serve her well or provide benefits when she becomes and adult. Therefore, the total body of paragraph discussion does not properly provide the requested information by the prompt.

Based on these observations, and owing to the language errors in the essay, I believe that your essay would get a score of around 4. Don't worry, you are just getting started. If you review the other practice essays at this forum and put the advice given to the other users into practice with your own work, you should get better at responding to the Task 2 essays.

Undergraduate / NUS (NATIONAL UNIVERSITY OF SINGAPORE) PERSONAL STATEMENT FOR ARCHITECTURE UNDERGRADUATE. [3]

The essay is a bit difficult to understand due to the problematic sentence structure. It is obvious that you are using a language translator to write this essay because of the incoherent translation of English words from your native tongue. It will be difficult for the reviewer to understand what you are saying unless you have this paper professionally edited for content and presentation.

You don't really need the quotation at the start of the essay. Instead, open with a description of your house and community, which led to your interest in architecture. Lay the foundation of your interest from a personal basis. The story about your grade 10 experience in relation to architecture is muddled. What classes did you take? How were your grades? How did these lessons further drive your desire to become an architect? It just isn't clear. Do not keep going back to your personal story. Stick with the academics and academic achievements. That is what the prompt requires.

Try to expand on the awarding ceremony you attended due to your academic achievement. What is the relevance of the meeting you had with these movers and shakers in the architectural field in your country? How does this relate to an additional achievement on your part? I do not really see the importance of your merit ceremony because you did not explain it very well. By the way, you received a Gold Medal not a gold metal.What about the national test? What does that prove about your academic abilities? Why is this something that the reviewer should take note of?

You need to better explain the academic relevance of all your achievements in this essay. This sounds more like you are just enumerating your achievements. You do not explain yourself and the importance of these academic highlights very well. The essay needs to be revised heavily for clarity and relevance. The essay is suffering from heavy grammar issues that affect the clarity of the presentation and coherence of the sentences / paragraphs.

Research Papers / Essay about the link between correctional healthcare & public health in the United States [2]

In the first paragraph, that is your thesis paragraph so you should not be using any quotations or references at that point. It should still be told from your personal point of view or general information. No actual information needs to be cited at that point. You are mentioning 3 elements that exemplify a direct link. Is this the same as the 3 elements you were presenting as the review points? If so, then you need to clarify that part because right now it sounds like you are talking about 2 different information presentations.

You are right about the quotations. You are using too much of these per paragraph. It would be better if you used 2 quotes at the most, then used explanations or insights for the rest. I know that the quotes are supposed to help you explain and give information, but doing it so successively in every paragraph would mean that the paper is mostly cut and paste information, which would not really be good for your grade. Professors tend to frown on papers that use too many paraphrases and quotes per paragraph. They want to hear your voice in the paper. Your voice is actually weakened by the severe use of quotations in your paper.

Your paragraphs are too long. Try to split it up per discussion topic. It just looks too tight on the screen and becomes difficult to read and follow as you progress with the reading. The organization and presentation of the paper is affected by the lack of page formatting. It is easy enough to fix. You just need to figure out where to cut to the next paragraph in the existing one. This will also make the paper seem a little less of a cut and paste job. However, I still want you to increase your insight and personal opinion presentation in the essay, just to decrease the quotation presentations in the paper.

Writing Feedback / My views on Online Courses Learning [3]

It appears that you are working on a Task 2 essay here but you forgot to include the original prompt in your posting. So I can only give you a general review of your work. I can't base the review on the scoring elements because I am not sure if you have written this essay for the IELTS task 2 or not. You have several grammar errors in this essay that I feel need to be pointed out.

With regards to spelling, courseware and equipment are both the singular and plural form of the word. No need to add an S at the end. That is, unless you want to show ownership by using an apostrophe S. You misspelled the word Thses = These. You capitalized a word which is not a proper noun in the middle of the sentence. Both these errors will result in GRA reductions. Further LR and GRA problems have shown up in the way that you used the wrong verb form for the word "teaching" at the start of the essay. It should have been "teach" instead.

In formal academic writing, contractions need to be avoided. You have several contractions in the essay (don't = do not, isn't = is not). You also need to learn to identify when you use a comma in your presentation (high schools, and universities). The third paragraph seems to disconnect from the topic of discussion. Teachers do not need to use papers to teach online. They use chat, PowerPoint presentations, and online video presentations. Just a slight error with regards to information inclusion. Your discussion was good just the same.

Writing Feedback / The popularity of different Scottish attractions between 1980 and 2010 [3]

While the general review that you did in the second version is acceptable, you should also be looking for areas where you can increase the data information aside from the basic increase/decrease rates. Look for the extra information in the essay that might help increase your GRA and LR scores. In this charts where the information just touches one another, without actually overlapping. Or, there are overlapping measures indicated.

By including a reference to these data, regardless of whether you refer to just one or both, you will be giving your score a boost in the aforementioned sections. Remember, the more analytical the presentation, the better the TA score. The more informative the sentence presentation and structure, the better the LR, GRA, plus C&C scores. It just gives you an overall boost to write more information in relation to the illustration analysis.