Student Talk / What is ielts writing? I am confused. [27]

Hi Sheri, I think the best way to practice written English is to read English aloud and participate in English speaking chat rooms.

You should do a word search for ielts here at EssayForum and see what other people have posted.

If you write an essay for practice, we will try to help you improve your skill!

Undergraduate / "National Service" - Common App Personal Essay [2]

Wow, this is so much more impressive than anything I have ever done. How messed up it is that our kids fight our wars...

Run on sentence:
It was a Wednesday morning, 2 am, and I stood atop the Leopard 2A4 tank, staring down one of Germany's largest live firing ranges.

Some of them routine and mundane, while others were exciting and extraordinary. Some I long to forget, an d there remain others that I hope will never leave my memory.

...and it was most definitely not an environment in which I could envision myself.

This paragraph about opposing it is very impressive to those of us who think war is an insane practice.

Well, you will do very well. I certainly would let you into any institution I represented if I worked in the admissions office.

Undergraduate / "not born a scientist" - Why Ohio State University Essay (Computer Science) [2]

I think I see the effect you are trying to have at the beginning, there. You are trying to say that you are not like the many other applicants who may be "born scientists." I am afraid you did not completely make that point, though. I suggest this:

I am not a "born scientist." That is to say, I did not exhibit the qualities of a scientific prodigy, solving scientific problems at a young age or putting together broken toys.

Okay, and the first paragraph focuses on curiosity and willingness to work. However, the three concepts we are dealing with are "drive," "commitment" (to work), and "courage." I think you should specifically refer to drive, commitment, and courage in that first paragraph.


Capitalize DNA. More importantly, though, this is a new idea you introduce in this topic sentence, and it has nothing to do with that intro paragraph.

Here is a way to fix the intro:
I have not just evolved naturally, but instead I have been proactive about my evolution, exploring _________, ___________, and ____________. Fill in the blanks with some main ideas from this essay.

Undergraduate / melodies, rhythms - FSU Artes and Mores how music and band have influenced who i am [3]

Use this essay as a warm-up. I think you have a better one waiting to emerge. Sit at the computer and really get inspired. I think this essay is devoid of inspiration because they make you write about THEIR concepts... instead of your own.

But do not start by saying this made you realize something. Also, do not answer the questions as if you are responsible for giving the most accurate answers possible. Instead, come up with your own creative theme, marrying artes and mores, a theme about which you can get inspired.

Undergraduate / Curiosity of Inquiry - Bates College [2]

...but also my philosophy of education. Lincoln's words reflect the importance of learning and emphasize the fact that it is a continual process.


This right here is too general. Replace general statements with specific ones, when you can... I feel the same way about your conclusion paragraph. I think you could do better by writing about some specific resources/programs/faculty members at the school, instead of just saying the environment "fits" you. I wish I knew a better way to explain what I mean... this is good, but cut out all meaningless generalities and replace them with specifics. That's my challenge for you. :-)

Writing Feedback / "Faker?" - Somatization Disorder (abnormal psychology essay) [4]

Well done!


Here is a place where you did not capitalize Disorder.

Your APA looks good, except right here you should have a page number referenced if possible:
American Family Physician (date) explains "In somatoform disorders, there are no obvious gains or incentives for the patient, and the physical symptoms are not willfully adopted or feigned; rather, anxiety and fear facilitate the initiation, exacerbation, and maintenance of these disorders"(p. 11).

The structure of this is very good.

Undergraduate / Charity Work, Informal Essay Attempt - Thoughts about fatherhood [2]

The first thing we can't deny is that we all have animalistic instincts. These instincts of course affect the relationships among everyone -- not just parents or relatives. Howev er, in the animal world ...

Despite having different attitudes towards their offspring, the main goal is always survivability of either the father or the children.---> you lose me here. I think this sentence should be cut. Whose goal? Just cut this sentence, and reassess your purpose.

Well, okay, actually this whole essay has to be filed away as a brainstorm for preparation for the real work, which you will write right now. This essay reveals a lot of misconceptions, because you are talking about subjects that you don't have the ability to fully explain here.... you should change the scope of the essay so that it stays focused on what you know about.

Why not write about parenthood, rather than fatherhood?

One essay = one big idea. It takes a whole essay to explain an idea.

Undergraduate / Medical Program Essay for Stony Brook [2]


This is such a powerful paragraph... but this last line is a little unclear. I think the word learned is better than realized. I think "in front of the door" should not be included.

For that second paragraph, you should divide it up and cut out some unnecessary words nd sentences to make it more concise. It becomes hard to understand here ---> "What if the grades are at the bottom? You have to thank them for applying to your department and should accept them whatsoever." ---this sentence is not really clear. I wish I knew how to help you express it correctly.

The essay is very impressive in its eloquence and seriousness.

Undergraduate / How to approach Amherst Supplement on Science [10]

Hi Lillian and Twizzlestraw,

I think this has a lot of potential, just as you intend to approach it. The quote refers to beauty, and you sure can find beauty in medical research. For you, I suggest The Body Electric by Becker. Did I already suggest this book to you in the past?

I look forward to seeing this essay!

:-)

Undergraduate / University of Pennsylvania optional supplement (the good old autobiography) [3]

And so you, the readers, would have guessed that I was intelligent, determined boy when I started the 2-year IB course. You are perfectly right. I was determined. I was determined to pull through and get a great overall mark in IB. Unfortunately, grades did not follow determination; unfortunately I put in more than what I got back. As Benjamin Franklin -- the founder of the university that I wanted to attend since the start of grade 10 -- said, "If you get more than you put in, you have the philosopher's stone." I engraved this quote deep in my heart that it almost became my motto, but I broke this golden rule that I always lived by. I was incessantly making an effort to strike...


I like this sentence a lot for some reason, even though it is a little awkward.

That April, month I had another literature test, and for that test I was more nervous than I had ever gotten been before. I wanted to get more than what I put in. I wanted to live by my motto again, because one way of...

You have great potential, says my intuition!!

Undergraduate / Common App Essay: Topic of your choice- "Spreading My Branches" [6]

How crazy it is that people actually chanted "keep the white house white." I think that if you are going to write about that in the essay, you should express more outrage, calling not for tolerance but for assertiveness in pulling society into the sophisticated way of 21st century thinking. If you choose to tackle this subject, really tackle it.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Time is ticking." - Johns Hopkins Supplement ---- [5]


Change that to feel instead of feels.

What I learned in that fifty-five minute class period changed my perception of not only of biology, but also of psychology. Something that I initially though were t Two fields that I once thought were like opposites can actually compliment one another. never be intertwined actually go together, hand in hand.

I am fascinated by how the mind affects our daily lives and at the same time, I am enthralled by how the body adapts to maintain homeostasis.----> this sentence has good observation, but the essay will be better if you put another sentence BEFORE this sentence... one that expresses your purpose rather than your fascination. Express your purpose, and then use this fascination to support the notion that you should pursue this purpose.

:-)

Undergraduate / "I was a hard worker and a good athlete" - my essay fo Boston University [4]


I see that you capitalized "It" by mistake.. but... it must just be a typo.

I'll add some commas:
Ever since I was little, I' ve always been smiling and laughing. If you saw me and my friend walking down the street, you would probably see me laughing or joking about something. I feel like life is to short, and everyone must be able to stop for a moment and have some fun. When my grandmother died , I was so depressed that I stay at home for a whole week.

This essay has a nice quality that I cannot easily describe. It has a nice spirit. I think you should write a little more about your clear plan for the future, though.

Undergraduate / "I'm not afraid of falling into my inkpot" --Princeton essay [4]

I don't think it is enough to just take a stab at the quote at the end. College will present many challenges, and here is one already... What did Emerson mean by this sentence? Can you go into it a little more?

Writing about something is an important part of a process of doing it, but the writing is all theory. Dive into the meaning of the quotation, and write about your plan for life. Emerson's quote needs to be discussed some more, in the intro and conclusion.

:-)

Undergraduate / U Chicago essay (my own prompt) "Are you free?" [7]


This sentence is a little awkward, because of the way you use priceless and financially.

I think you should change to:
The sacrifices she made for me, both financially and emotionally, were courageous.

This is a great piece of writing! You are cool. I just think the first sentence should change. You should write:
I was once not free.

Undergraduate / Common App:Personal Statement (Am I portraying the right image?) [5]

I enjoy good smelling hair, and, in all seriousness, I can never decide whether "lemongrass" or "strawberry smoothie" smells better.

This is pretty great.

You know how to write well, I think...

Oh... crash! It has great energy at the start, but you need to use the energy differently.

I want to see both sides of the story. In politics. I don't see in black and white. With every issue, there's always a story with real people and real live s. All this stuff is weak.

Okay, I like the way you show some of your personality at the start, but transition toward a grand ideal. Let the shampoo example support an assertion about providing people with simple dignity and options for self-expression.

:-) Come away from the hair care theme quickly, so that the essay becomes marvelous!

Undergraduate / Question about the CMC leadership essay [4]

I stared at this for a long time before figuring out what I wanted to say...

I think the right way to approach this is to announce a philosophy of leadership and then use this person as an example. Compare this person to a widely known person whose leadership is similar, and focus the essay on the concept, using the examples as support.

Undergraduate / Tell us about an engineering idea you have... [3]

This is too much of a leap from one subject to another:
The size of the emissions in the coming decades is determined not only by political decisions, but also by technological breakthroughs. Outside my window, snow falls silently.

Oh, wait a minute, I think you did a paragraph break there, so that helps... BUT you still should complete that first paragraph with one additional sentence. Add one sentence to that first paragraph, and let it be a thesis statement that captures the central idea of the essay in a single sentence.

I hope to develop a material that, when attached to the walls, can absorb heat during the summer, reducing the indoor temperature.----> This sentence is so forthright and confident-sounding that I almost want to suggest making it the first sentence of the whole essay. It is refreshing for a student to answer the prompt question immediately, at the start of an essay. So, consider that idea, the idea to put this sentence at the start. It will be col, because then the rest of the essay will be spent explaining its importance and the details of your idea...

:-)

Undergraduate / Common App Essay about Crust Punks [3]

Add some commas:

As I became better acquainted with the crusties, I began to...

I like taking showers, and I do not think veganism will make... ---> maybe you should rethink the second half of this sentence. The laws of supply and demand disagree with you.

However, I have to admit your essay is quite funny. It certainly does reflect your great, thoughtful approach to life and your "real-ness" as a person.

Finally, I'd like to say that this thoroughly entertaining essay is like a big engine with no car to power... or perhaps in this case, it is like a great fixed-gear bicycle with no one to transport. Well, what I am saying is that it has lots of potential to make a very convincing case for your assertion about how serious you are about your plan for college, but you do not bother to express one. The essay should not be about crust punks, but about your plan for college -- the plan for someone who has gone through this process of self-exploration.

You might want to begin the essay with a definition of "crust punk" from some kind of urban dictionary.

Thanks for this entertaining essay!!

Undergraduate / "Playing as a goalkeeper" - MIT pleasure essay (100 words) [8]

Add a comma:
But that is the beauty of a soccer match, because once I shoot the ball beyond the goalkeeper, I feel that all the endless effort to score is paid off by a GOAL.

Yes, it will be good if you can make this more about perseverance than about soccer. You can suggest, at the beginning or the end, that soccer is all about perseverance for you.

Undergraduate / Rice University: cultural/unique life experiences essay [5]

The heat is intense, my knee length (how about a different adjective? "knee length" makes the reader wonder if you are preoccupied with asserting that you dress in a particular way.

The past three weeks that I've spent fasting, praying, singing hymns, and loving God were enough of a dedication provided enough insiration for me to feel more in touch with my Orthodox religion than ever before.----> the word Orthodox is confusing here. If it is just being used as an adjective, it dos not need to be Capitalized. If you are naming a particular denomination, you should name it clearly in a different sentence rather than trying to give too much info in this one.

Why is this all one paragraph? Practice with 4 or 5 sentences per paragraph.

What this is missing is a conclusion in which you discuss your religion as a cultural characteristic, comparing it a little with religions from other cultures and expressing a desire to encourage other people to appreciate this aspect of your culture as well. However, you can do it in a way that is not saying "my religion is the only religion," as mentioned above.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute: They say I impacted the 21st century... [8]

The world has entered an era of rapidly increasin g change. The people who lead Leading scientists of this era must be able to embrace the change, and to become the change. The changes will be a result of the creativity of the new generation, creating technologies to for the betterment of the world we live in which we live. But my generation is unable to do it thrive on creativity alone; real change requires motivation, stimulation, and inspiration. Special experiences can motivate, stimulate, and inspire a young individual, such as me, to realize their dream, potential, and place in the world.

I suggest replacing this last sentence of the first paragraph with one that is meaningful and specific rather than general. End the first para with a sentence that expresses the central idea of the whole essay. Then, spend the rest of the essay explaining this idea.

Undergraduate / 'enthusiasm for economics' - JHU supplement - why did you choose the major(s)? [3]

Use a comma:
Having lived in New Zealand for eight years, I was excited to travel to the United States, half a world away. --> this is confusing. Do you mean you moved when you were eight years old?

I think you need to add one more sentence to that first paragraph, right at the end. Let it be a thesis sentence about how this experience represents a milestone in your process of achieving your aspirations -- and an important part of that process will be your dual experience of econ and geography (and most importantly, empowerment) at JHU.

Let the end of that first paragraph announce the main idea of the whole essay.

Undergraduate / Reed Supplementary - Why Reed Essay [3]


If you start like this, and you talk about always wanting to know the reasons for things, you must mention what makes Reed a good place for a person who wants to know why. You must tell why Reed is a good place for someone who is "always seeking answers to the whys and the hows"... what makes Reed a better place for this kind of person than some other school?

You must answer that question in the first paragraph, because you raised the question in that paragraph.

I was once told by a Chemistry teacher that my thought was too bizarre, because I proposed how the concepts of chemical equilibrium can be applied to social phenomena.---> This is an important sentence! This is the best part of the essay, I think! And it goes well at the beginning of paragraph 2.

Please end paragraph 1 with a sentence about why Reed is a good place for creative, inquisitive thinkers, and then start paragraph 2 with this brilliant sentence. Then continue paragraph 2:

I was once told by a Chemistry teacher that my thought was too bizarre, because I proposed how the concepts of chemical equilibrium can be applied to social phenomena. My interest in studying how scientific developments and socio-cultural conditions affect each other is enforced also by real problems facing my community now...

Grammar, Usage / A Question about "Voice" - inspired by some helpful feedback from Mayada [25]


Yes, that's some very important advice. Too often, people try to emphasize all their good qualities and neglect to discuss their specific plan, their unique perspective on the chosen field, and the factors that make this school perfect for them.

So, if I like Ursula LeGuin's "writer's voice," it is because I like the attitude reflected in her ideas and her ways of expressing them. This seems to be a common thread among many of our answers to this question.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay: What have you learned? (Topic of Own Choosing) - feedback [4]

Also, no need to capitalize "as"...in the distant future as strange as my "speculation fixation" may sound, speculation is a normal human behavior.

...I'm seventeen, and I'm already preoccupied with thinking about lessons...

I like that informal first sentence, but I can only hope the Admissions Office reader is not put off by it.

Therefore, in my mind at least, I believe it makes perfect sense to share lessons I have learned from my past so that my children can unbind themselves from the chains of speculation and carpe diem.

Your first paragraph makes me want to recommend The Power of Now by Tolle.

You have a great writing style!
I agree, but only if "with people" is tagged on to the assertion .

Undergraduate / Colby college admission essay: comment and relate to the following quote ! [4]

This approach you took is perfect! I like it.

Quinces were plentiful when I was living in...

or:
Quinces were abundant when I was...

Also, trim away excess words:
...when I was living in my home country growing up in Korea but, in U.S, I rarely saw them.

Global warming is such a controversial subject lately, with recent evidence that some people were deceptive in attesting to its effects... I wonder if you could focus on the protection of the environment rather than specifically on global warming? Lately, when people think of global warming, they become skeptical about it. Even people who believe humans caused it feel skeptical lately.

Anyway, the essay is excellent.

Undergraduate / John, my grandfather- Heritage Essay for Supplement [2]

I think that first paragraph has to end with another sentence about how this affects you as the sum total of your experiences. That will make the intro powerful and full.

These paragraph are clearly written and quite interesting, but thy are missing something: evaluation and analysis. Give each paragraph a topic sentence at the beginning that captures the main idea of the paragraph, and then tack on an evaluative conclusion sentence at the end. Let each paragraph end with a sentence that reconsiders your own ideas and reflects on the implications of what the para says.

If I am the sum total of all my experiences, then the..


Hmmmm... this sentence might be taken the wrong way?

Undergraduate / Stanford supplemental essays: language+evolution; my personality; S's students [2]


No! You can't make me! (that is what the reader's mind shouts when an essay begins this way. It is bad, especially because it presumes the reader has not reflected on the enormous variety.

Oh, no! And then you bash the reader's religion if the religion accepts any notion of intelligent design!


Yes is does!


I do perceive strengths and weaknesses of various languages...

Yes, I think this essay is not inspired, that is all. I don't mean to be critical; I write things that are not inspired, too! And when writing lacks inspiration, it does not express your ideas correctly.

Think of your purpose for this first essay. What result do you hope to achieve when the reader reads it? I thin you want them to gain greater appreciation for linguistics, and that will be impressive. So, make an observation about the way thought is affected by the languag used for thinking, and speculate about how cultural characteristics may e affected by the structure of the culture' language -- or how, perhaps, the norms of language REFLECT certain characteristics of the culture. Go deep into the subject, writing about it objectively instead of addressing the reader directly.

For inspiration, read an article by Noam Chompsky.

Undergraduate / Accountancy as my major, UIUC essay~ Academic Interest and professional goals. [3]

Well, in the beginning, you say you chose accountancy because it is aligned with your goals, and then, all of a sudden, you start talking about math: "Accountancy is a branch of mathematical science. Mathematics is my favorite subject and I am fascinated by its logical and mysterious..."

The thing to do is this, I think:
...academic interests and career goals. (after this sentence, give a sentence that announces your interests and career goals. Announce a personal philosophy that will be the theme for the essay.)

Then, do a paragraph break!

Accountancy is a branch of mathematical science. This is too obvious. Don't tell them obvious things.

This is a good way to start paragraph 2:
Mathematics is my favorite subject, and I am fascinated by its logical and mysterious nature. To explore more about it, I took an advanced H3 course offered by...

Undergraduate / Common Application Personal Essay - Diversity and How can I benefit from....... [6]

This sentence is hard to understand beuse it tries to give more information than it can. I will fix it with parentheses:
Fortunately my school (which is made up of several international students) and my own determination to be a good communicator helped me quickly able to become comfortable in this new environment and build up my self-confidence. Since this experience, I started to understand and enjoy the many cultural differences I experienced and gained knowledge which I did not possess before.

As we grow up together, of course there are differences of opinion over our likes or dislikes, but I remain the one who is capable of settling things down and keeping a peaceful balance am ong us.

I have adapted to what was once a place that I knew very little about, and I am now a well-rounded student. ----> good sentence!

The lessons and experiences with my friends, family and teachers have taught me how to be a better person and appreciate so much the many diversities life has to offer.

This is the rule:
The lesson has...
The lessons have...
The experience has...
This lesson and that experience have...

Undergraduate / Need Help on Personal Essay (supplement for Columbia) [7]


This sort of content is always meaningless, because it is the same stuff you see in a brochure. It just really does not help to write like this, praising the school in general ways. Instead, focus on your unique plan. You have an excellent plan, because you want to double major in econ. and pol. sci., and that is very impressive. So write about why this school is the best place to carry out this plan.

Do you know what I mean? You must be very excited about meeting particular professors or contributing to certain programs at the school. It is even good to write about a particular section of the campus bookstore where you want to start a little study group for pol. sci. but do not waste your essay writing the stuff people see on the website or in a brochure. Don't mention Kin Lear. Express your enthusiasm as a scholar who has discovered this great institution at an important time in your process.

Undergraduate / Brown Supplement Essay---Intellectual Experience. Failure is the new Success. [9]

Great intro sentence!!
Active voice: I spent my commute from suburbia to disturbia working on my new hobby of nail-biting.

You ave 3 kidneys? Wow, is that a common thing, I have ever heard of it. anyway, it is not relevant to the essay! Unless I am missing something... but if it is not relevant, you should probably take it out.

And here is one more idea:
My failed experiment was an important part of my assimilation of myself into the analytical world of _________. Failure is the new Success.

Undergraduate / Duke Supplement Essay - Why Engineering and why Duke [3]

Let's fix this intro:
...about becoming one thing: an Engineer. More specifically, I wanted to be an Inventor.

This soon died down , and I began to move towards careers and majors mainly based on Mathematics like Financial Math. ----> right after this sentence, add a short sentence that tells the reader you are grateful that you had your interest in engineering renewed by an experience earlier this year.

If you leave it as it is, the first paragraph ends in a way that is confusing to the reader.

:-)

Undergraduate / JHU Supplementary Essay - Sick Sister - Need HELP fast! [13]

That first paragraph is very weak! It should have another sentence or two to express a clear, meaningful thesis statement for the essay. Also, the "pretty colors" part should be replaced with a more grownup phrase, such as "dynamic alchemy."

Express a main theme in that first paragraph, right at the end, so as the reader moves on to paragraph 2, s/he understands the direction you are going with the essay.

Sounds like a brochure:
It is a known fact that CMU has educated some of the brightest minds of our time from James Gosling to Charles Wilson.

Sounds like avery other admissions essay ever written:
I believe CMU's Mellon College of Science would provide me with the knowledge and skills needed in...

The Steve reilly part is weak, too. the way to make this powerful is to express to the reader what is unique about you and your outlook for the future, the specific "personality" of your potential in this field, and then explain why your unique interests in this field, and your specific intentions, make this school better than the other possible schools.

Just be honest and ask yourself why this school is better for you than other schools. Make the reader understand that you have a plan you are carrying out and that Carnegie Mellon is an important part of that plan.

Undergraduate / Looking for fundamentals of how everything is functioning Cornell Arts & Sciences 'interests' prompt [7]

Chemistry explains all this, and vivified the intricacies of the matter around us. I decided a long time ago that Chemistry was the sole field to which I want to dedicate my life of study.

It was not u ntil my trip to Hong Kong in 2006 that I began to want to explore medicine as well.

That second paragraph needs a topic sentence. Google "topic sentence" if you are not sure what it is, and put one at the beginning of that paragraph.

Even though I had expected it, subconsciously the fact that I saw her death coming didn't mitigate the pain I felt.

Undergraduate / Not a Typical Upbringing...Tufts Community Essay [5]

When you say you begged your parents to sign you up for those 3 activities, it implies that they resisted the idea. You would not have to beg if they were okay with the idea. Do you mean to convey that they stood in your way? Think about your purpose. What is useful about writing about an atypical childhood with parents who set an example of simplicity rather than so much busy running around? What does this kind of wisdom have to do with your chosen field of study? Focus on that.

Also... this sentence confused me.---> Maybe it's odd for a kid to want more overbearing parents, but I always felt as if I wasn't as good as other kids.

try making it clearer: Maybe it's odd for a kid to want more overbearing parents, but that is what happened for me in response to my parents' meditative, unhurried approach to life. I always felt as if I wasn't as good as other kids because I did not feel so much pressure. My parents alleviated pressure for me.

Undergraduate / "assistant contingent leader" - UNIVERSITY OF ILINOIS [5]

I was initially hesitant, as this was an unprecedented challenge in my life, but eventually gave in to the insistence of faculty members a t my college.---> good! Now right after this sentence, give the thesis statement. The thesis statement is a sentence that expresses the MAIN IDEA of the whole essay.

I am looking at the last sentence of the essay, and it is all about the skills that developed for you during this experience. Therefore, I think the thesis statement you add to the end of paragraph 1 should be about skills that developed, too.

:-)

Undergraduate / My Common App essay- written by my "Grandson" [4]

This was once a large fad in application essays at the turn of the century, but I decided to bring it back, primarily because my...---> what was once a large fad? Writing about one's grandfather?

I am confused... what makes you think it is okay to disregard their prompt and write whatever you want? ha ha, I do like the way you presented it, though.


I think that is funny and cool, but it is not okay to disregard what they asked you to write.

Okay, wait a minute, maybe I was confused. I see what you are doing with this essay, but it is not clear. Perhaps the reader will understand because s/he will be familiar with the prompt question, but maybe you still need a little introduction to explain what is happening!

Only ten years h ad passed when my grandfather finally returned to...

What started out as a small-time effort in my grandfather's garage, with only five part-tim e workers, slowly transformed into a software empire.

You write very well!!

Undergraduate / Does this fit the prompt for Pepperdine??? [3]


I think it would be worth it to name the Senator here, just to add interest and detail to the essay.

I notice that you did not mention faith in the essay and you did not mention service. The challenge was to explain how the integration of faith and learning can prepare you for a life of service, and discuss the impact service-learning can have on the renewing of your mind, spirit, and community. I think you were too indirect about answering this question. This is to much narrative and not enough answering their question.

:-)