Scholarship / An inexperienced individual becoming a true leader - My Leadership Chevening Essay [3]

Rozak, first up, STOP SHOUTING AT THE CHEVENING REVIEWER! You are not writing a casual letter to a friend, show respect! Stop it with the exclamation points! The reviewer is not interested in the emotion of your writing, he is interested in your maturity as a current leader( obviously missing due to your love of exclamation points in a formal paper) and your current leadership abilities. This paper is focusing on the development of your leadership skills. It does not highlight your leadership skills in action. Therefore, this is a useless leadership and influencing paper. Nothing in this paper shows you have the ability to lead, are considered a current leader in your profession, nor does it show any ability to influence your staff or other people.

A leadership and influencing essay shows the development of your leadership abilities and its ability to influence people based on the progression of your skills. You can use either one academic and one professional example or one civic and one professional example. There must be only 2 instances highlighted, one influencing skill and one leadership skill. These can be 2 separate events or 2 connected events. Based on these requirements, you can understand why I cannot approve your essay for use in the application.

Writing Feedback / Within 150-200 words, write a paragraph about the advantages of living in the city. [2]

Hi Chu. While your writing is rather cumbersome, you are wrong about it being incoherent. Your presentation makes sense. It is understandable and offers information that the reader is familiar with. Therefore, this is a an essay that has some grammar and sentence structure issues, but delivers in terms of content and clarity. I would not worry so much about the sentence structure problems because this did not affect the overall presentation of your essay. You can actually consider yourself to be an intermediate user. You know more than the basic English language and how to use it, but you still have problems with its usage at certain times.

The only way you can continue to get better at English writing is by doing exactly what you are doing, keep on writing. Respond to essay prompts, keep a journal, write a blog, read books, watch English movies or Chinese movies with English sub-titles, anything and everything that will keep you immersed in the English language. Join English chatrooms, write to your friends in English, there are just so many ways you can continue to build upon your good language foundation.

The main point is this, in order to improve, you must immerse yourself in the language, even if it means talking to your friends and parents in English rather than your native tongue. These are some of the best ways to improve your language skills.

Scholarship / How building networks can widen your array of possibilities - Chevening Networking Essay [2]

Leylamoh, Chevening is not interested in your travel history. The reviewer is also not interested in your past work experiences that have a semblance of networking, but no actual networking value. The committee will only be interested in learning about how you develop your current networking contacts, based on your current profession, how you build upon that goodwill, and what sort of professional exchanges have taken place between you and the members of that contact group. What you wrote is too embedded in the past. It is so past oriented that there is no reference as to whether or not this network still exists or if you have ever actually used these networks within your profession.

Write a new networking essay. Make that essay grounded in the present. The present means that you will need to discuss your networking experience at work. That means seminars, training programs, and continuous education references could be mentioned as a method of networking, with your explanation as to how these contacts have helped you at work proving your network's usability and possible importance to the Chevening community. Don't discuss an in-office network. This needs to be a local or national network since the members of this group will be called upon in the future to help Chevening scholars with their professional needs using you as the conduit.

Don't merely explain about your network, the reviewer needs actual evidence of this network in action. So discuss profession related events that required the use of the network. If possible, explain how you helped the people in your network as well. If you are uncertain about how to approach this essay, then read the networking samples that have been written for this application cycle that are posted here. Those should help you develop your new networking essay.

Scholarship / The chosen courses to develop my current capability in systems development and business analysis [2]

Safaa, you need to elaborate upon how your current profession has helped you prepare to take any of the 3 course choices you have indicated. While each course choice explains what you hope to gain from the time you will spend studying the course, it does not indicate if you have the specific academic and professional background to deal with it. As you revise this essay, remember that you have to offer solid evidence of relevant courses taken while in college in relation to the masters course. After that, you must always make sure that you can justify your interest based on your current job requirements, not just your future career plans.

The explanations you have written only fall short of explaining how classes you took in college and your current professional duties tie in with your interest in the courses. Other than that, you did a good in explaining how the classes interest you and how it will apply to your future job descriptions. It seems to me that a total rewrite will be in order so that you can include the important information without going over the 500 word count. Doing so will create a far more relevant explanation that will have a chance to convince the reviewer that you are on the right study path.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 1 : pie charts- players of electronic games in South Korea [4]

Diep, this is an incomplete summary overview. You need to present the types of measurements provided in the pie charts (age, games, and gender), the type of measurement (percentage), and then the single sentence trend. Try to avoid presenting any information in a parenthesis because there is no optional information in the chart. I know you are trying to make your presentation more complex but the complexity does not lie in the format of the presentation but rather in the presentation of the information within the sentence instead.

You did a good job writing more than 150 words. You did not do a good comparison and analysis job by presenting only 3 paragraphs of 2 sentences each. The best scoring task 1 essays always use 4 paragraphs with at least 3 sentences per presentation. Your paragraphs are mostly composed of run-on sentences, which you should avoid doing for a better GRA score. Always use periods in the paragraph presentation that represents two different ideas in one sentence. Don't use a comma because different ideas need to be presented separately instead of as connected information.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK1 - Population changes in three countries [4]

Ronia, when you write the task 1 essay, make sure that your overview summary contains complete summarized information. In this instance, you should not have included the names of the countries in the trending statement. It should have been introduced with the type of graph, purpose of the graph, measurement type, years indicated, and the discussion instruction.

It also appears that you are not yet familiar enough with the types of tense usage in the written form. This essay goes from past to present tense, based upon the information from the graph. Any information presented from the year 2020 and above should be in future form while information from 1940 to 2000 must be presented in past tense. It is easy to remember, anything that has yet to take place uses the future tense, anything that has already happened takes the past presentation form.

Forgetting these errors in your presentation, it is safe to say that you at least showed an understanding of the image you were provided with. However, your discussion could have been improved if you had remembered to specifically discuss the overlapping points in the graph that represent a period when the same data will be collected for at least 2 of the 3 countries. The often occurred in the graph and would have made for excellent comparison point discussions if you had remembered to do that based on the given instruction.

Research Papers / Homelessness in America and potential Solutions [2]

Steven, I feel like the information that you have presented is incomplete. While you offer insights into some programs and opinions from notable authorities in the field, you have not touched on how the Housing and Urban Development agency has tried to tackle the situation as this falls directly under their responsibility. The website of the agency has direct links to the homelessness assistance programs and updated homelessness data.

I think that you should include information from the agency assigned to resolve the issue. That way you will have a balanced, private sector and government sector opinion presentation. Knowing all facets of the discussion will also help you make better suggestions regarding ways and means to improve the homeless situation as it applied to the private sector and, you forgot to mention, the veterans who are also homeless. Those are two separate groups that should be represented as well because your essay discusses homelessness in a general form when it should be grouped into at least 2 sections so that more pertinent information regarding the types of homeless and specific reasons that created their homelessness.

Undergraduate / Common App essay - talking about challenges I've faced throughout my life [5]

William, your essay is overly dramatic and exaggerated. It also lacks a clear focus on one line of discussion. The discussion about you being allergic to peanuts is nothing special. That makes you normal, common, average. Nothing notable in that discussion. It would be in your best interest to write a new essay. One that focuses on a specific, regularly discussed, not exaggerated presentation of the topic to the reviewer. This essay will benefit from a clear focus on one of the 3 choices. Now, if you prefer not to write a new essay, then you can use this essay as is, as the basis of the open topic discussion instead since that allows you to discuss a topic of your choice for the essay. Personally, I would opt to simply use the open topic essay since that is simpler than writing a new one.

Undergraduate / Describe your academic and career goals in the broad field of engineering [3]

Ayo, this is not an essay that responds to the prompt requirements. You are being asked to discuss your academic and professional goals. The presentation you wrote does not do that. You are instead discussing your personal interests and how it led to your interest in this course. That is called a personal statement, which is not what you are being asked to write. This essay cannot be used. You need to write a new essay that will focus on only 2 paragraphs for the presentation. The first paragraph will describe why you want to learn more about computer engineering (academic goals), and what career you plan to have after graduation (career goals), which should be based on the specific academic interests you have in the field. Write a new 2 paragraph essay that responds to the situations I presented. That is all you need to present in the essay.

Writing Feedback / The imprisonment over a period of 50 years in five different areas - diagram analysis [3]

Asih, you have written a total of 156 words. That is evidence that your essay is not complete, does not analyze the information, and cannot be used as an accurate basis of an analytical report. The proper length for this essay is between 150-200 words covering a 4 paragraph presentation. You have presented 4 paragraphs but without the required 3-5 sentence presentation per paragraph. When you write such short Task 1 essays, you cannot expect to get a good score or a passing score, based on the mistakes you made within the presentation. You should have written at least 175 words to assure yourself of a close to passing or a passing score.

Try to focus on the clarity of the information you are presenting as well. I am not sure what you mean by "1nd" in the first sentence of the second paragraph.

There is a lack of complete summary information presentation while your trending sentence can easily confuse the reader. You need to learn to review your essay when you are finished reading it so that you can spot the mistakes in grammar presentation and correct these before you submit it for scoring.

Read the Task 1 sample essays at this forum so that you can learn how to properly present the information. Learn from the mistakes of others because you have made similar mistakes in your own writing.

I would say that this is a good first attempt at Task 1 writing. There is room for tremendous improvement.

Scholarship / Chevening Career Plan - Social Enterprise [2]

Yun, for the benefit of the reviewer who may or may not be familiar with the UK agency participation in your country, you will need to better define what the SUKA Society is all about. Create a better connection between that society and the UK agency programs in your country. I am not very clear on what agencies are active within your profession and how you can help to promote the UK projects in your country. There is an unnecessary focus on the SUKA society in my opinion, which totally negated the more important presentation of your ability to help promote UK programs while strengthening the relationship of the 2 countries.

The post study plan must present a clear reference as to how your newly acquired knowledge and skills will help you advance in your career while also providing you with an opportunity to give back to the Chevening Scholarship by working with your British counterparts either within the UK agency or through the Chevening community in your area. What is lacking in this essay is a clear reference to an existing and ongoing project in your country that the UK sponsors, which you will also be able to participate in either as a volunteer or through a collaboration with your own organization. Don't discuss the European Union contest, focus on the UK, specially since BREXIT is ongoing so any reference to the EU will not help you create an impressive essay.

Scholarship / The quality of a leader. How to write a good leadership essay for Chevening scholarship [5]

Emilio, you have not properly justified your claims that you are a current leader and influencer in your line of work, or within the organization you participate in. You said it yourself; "I can become a future leader and influencer in my line of work". Chevening is not looking for non-leaders who can become future leaders. Chevening is looking for current leaders who can become even stronger leaders and notable influencers within their line of work or volunteer community. That line in this essay alone tells the reviewer a lot about your leadership experience that can disqualify you immediately from consideration.

Aside from that problematic reference in your essay, there is no real leadership or influencing skill displayed in the presentation. You lack examples. You do not acquit yourself as a leader and influencer in any of the presentations. That is why this essay is not useful to your application. You need to present strong leadership and influencing examples in your presentation. Unfortunately, this essay tells me that you are lacking in that aspect. Try to write a new essay and we can see if my opinion of your qualifications will change.

Graduate / Motivation Letter for Graduate Programme "Strategic Entrepreneurship" in Sweden [3]

Lars, this motivational letter is running too long. You are over discussing the presentation. There is a need to tone down the information and focus on the actual motivation for your interest in studying abroad. The letter needs to focus on your professional requirement for advanced studies. So you should begin revising this essay starting from the 3rd paragraph.

The first 2 paragraphs are throwaways. Not required not necessary for this type of presentation. The next 3 paragraphs are somewhat relevant to the presentation so all you have to do is revise the presentation of those paragraphs to relate to your professional needs, goals, and ambitions. By doing that, you will develop a true motivational letter that focuses on your actual motivations, as opposed to this current version that does not truly focus on the motivational aspect of your interests.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2 - Should people look for sources of oil and gas in remote and untouched place? [3]

Stella, your essay does not properly respond to the original discussion prompt that was provided. You are actually discussing a totally different topic would result in an automatic failure of your TA score. Look at the mistake you made below:

Original Question: Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages of damaging such places?
Your Response: i believe this method would bring two opposite effects.

As you can see, the essay is asking you pick one of two scenario outcomes for the discussion. Either it is an advantage or a disadvantage. Your response says that there are 2 opposite effects. Which means you are not picking a side. This is a one sided opinion essay, as all Task 2 essays are unless otherwise specified. Therefore, your total discussion runs counter to the required discussion style which is a single opinion defense. As such, this essay cannot be given a passing score. Your discussion became vague and unclear due to your lack of opinion choice. That is why the overall presentation became unclear to the reader.

Scholarship / Taking Initiative at the Workplace - Leadership Essay for Chevening Application [3]

Ayu, what you wrote is a methodology presentation. As such it cannot function in the capacity of a leadership and influencing essay. You will need to write a totally new essay that focuses on at least 2 instances of actual leadership in either an academic, volunteer, or professional setting. This means, you need to prove that you took point in the situation and you had actual personnel to manage, with you making the final decision. You cannot use this essay because you functioned in a team member capacity rather than leader capacity.

Try to think of a more recent representation that better aligns with the requirements of the prompt. Remember, you need "examples", plural form. So the essay cannot focus on a single project that did not allow you to exhibit at least 2 leadership skills and one influencing style. 2 for 2 would be a better presentation if you can come up with it.

Graduate / Data Science as a mainstream career option for me [3]

Nageswara, since this is a change of career statement of purpose the first half of your essay should indicate the development of your interest in the new field and why sort of purpose came out of it for you. Explain how it connects to your previous career and how your previous career prepared you for this change. The statement of purpose is not just about academic qualifications, you need to qualify your professional aspects as well.

The problem, is that you will need to qualify yourself based on your previous work experience. It is not just an enumeration of your work tasks of companies you worked at. It is an explanation of why there is a logical explanation for your change in career goals. That isn't quite clear in this presentation although I can guess some these relevant points in your writing. Try to properly present your academic qualifications that relate to your new profession, why you wish to switch careers, how the switch will apply to your 5 year career plan, and why you chose the university.

The best approach per paragraph would be:
1. Explain why you want to change careers
2. Qualify your academic platform on based on a summarized 3rd paragraph as it relates to your change in career focus.
3. Explain how this change in career focus will help advance your career.
4. What's the 5 year career plan?
5. How does the university help you achieve these goals based on classes, training, and other considerations.

Writing Feedback / GRE-Governments support financially the main cities because the major cities preserve culture [3]

Th, based on the way that you wrote this essay I believe that, even with the grammatical errors, you are looking at a minimum score of 5. Why is it coming in at such a high score? Well, you wrote an essay long enough to allow you to clearly explain your point of view. There were good examples presented to support your reasoning and your transitions from one sentence to another were good enough to create a smooth flowing presentation.

If you want to get a higher score than a 5, then you must write anywhere between 500-600 words. This is the word range that normally gets a test taker, who has a good command of the English language a 5.5 - 6 rating. Now, what I did notice was that you forgot to add the action descriptor word "ing" to represent current actions. Please don't forget to do that. The term is "assisting" which means a current action rather than "assist". In addition to that, the phrase is not "overstated generation" but "overstated generalization" which means a wide public assumption. To be specific it is a "a general statement or concept obtained by inference from specific cases.". Be careful when you use these English terms. Using the correct terms can help increase your score, use the wrong descriptor often in your essay and your word or paragraph clarity will suffer.

Scholarship / Proactiveness and interaction are what you need for professional relationship building [3]

Yun, you just wrote a summary of your network and its relevance to your profession and/or civic activities. There is a lack of clear networking examples that show how you build, maintain, and use these relationships. The networks do not even sound like these are still active at the moment, which is a definite requirement for this essay. If your network is inactive, then it will not be of any use to Chevening and its community members.

You will need to write a new essay that shows how you developed your networking skills. You may keep the university network presentation, but it must evolve into a presentation of your professional network. At the moment, your network sounds more like it is civic oriented than profession related so you may want to think of a better sample for your professional network in action. By in action, that means you must narrate a situation within your profession that you would not have been able to perform the required tasks unless you had help from both a local or national network. Mention some seminars and programs that you attended that helped you build these networks, explain who the people who helped you are, how did their help result in something positive for you at work?

The essay will be effective only when it has supporting facts attached to it. At the moment that is lacking because you decided to write a personal statement rather than a networking essay. Read the sample networking essays here to get you started on the right track. This is not the essay that should have been written for a networking essay.

Writing Feedback / Sports professionals can earn high income more that others professions? [3]

Nella, you failed to properly address the task requirements in the opening paraphrase. This is a 3 reasoning paragraph essay, not an argument essay. That is one of the biggest mistakes in your discussion. You changed the prompt requirement from:

Original instruction: Discuss both views and give your opinion.

to

Your Response: This essay will argue with the notion above

Correct Presentation: I will consider these two public points of view in the following discussion so that I can offer my personal insight on the matter later on.

That mistake will immediately get you a lower than passing TA score. You showed that you misunderstood the prompt requirements, which led to the change in the discussion instruction. Your main presentation does not cover the public discussion of the 2 points of view presented in the essay, nor does it represent your personal opinion, which is also a requirement. There needs to be an acknowledgement of public opinion in your first 2 reasoning presentations and then a personal opinion ownership presentation before the conclusion, creating a 5 paragraph essay. Without the ownership references, the whole essay comes across as a personal opinion because you did not clearly explain the discussion method in your opening paraphrase. These errors plus others in relation to the scoring criteria will combine to give you a very low score for this essay. This essay is not going to get a passing score in an actual test setting.

Scholarship / Short Term Research during overseas PhD for Endeavour! [2]

You forgot to explain why you chose to attend the University of Sydney. It is not enough to say that they have cutting edge research in the field. This particular explanation needs to relate to the experiment and research you will be performing with the professor. That way you create a fully integrated explanation between the proposed leadership activity, the host organization, and the objective of the whole program you will be under taking.

Your layman's explanation regarding the details of the activity are still a bit complicated for the average reader. Try to simply it a little bit more by explaining what combustion research is about, what toxic pollutants it aims to decrease, and why this particular research is important. What is the final objective of the research aside from just lowering the emission of pollutants? Why is clean combustion important? Try to integrate the 3rd paragraph with the first paragraph as those discussions are connected and will help you better explain the point of your course interest. If you can better explain these parts then the essay will be easier to understand coming for the point of view of a person unfamiliar with the topic.

Scholarship / Government consultancy - chevening career plan essay [2]

Moelsayed, this essay only needs a little revision and some small additional information to make it more effective as a career plan essay. The first thing you have to do is rearrange the paragraphs in this manner: 3,4,2,1. By rearranging the paragraphs in the presentation, you create a far more interesting and relevant post study presentation. You also draw focus to the most important aspect of the essay, the UK relationship towards the end.

The reference to the UK relationship is not very clear. Aside from mention the DICE program, you need to better outline how this program coincides with your studies, expertise, and interest in promoting the UK relationship with Egypt. The presentation you have is incomplete at the moment, You should look into adding information that will further highlight and enhance the way that you will be able to act as a connecting bridge between the projects of the two countries in a manner that promotes the interest of both countries. Right now you are just summarizing the information in a manner that has very little relevance and practically doesn't make sense in the presentation.

Make these changes in the suggested manner so that you will have a more usable essay for this topic. The ideas you present are strong in most cases, but weak where it counts the most. That UK relationship is the part that you must strengthen the most.

Scholarship / To be the winner. How to write a personal leardership introduction for Chevening schoolarship? [4]

Bella, you need to clarify if you were part of a team of assigned leaders with specific leadership tasks per group. The presentation you are making sounds like you were a leadership team member instead of a team leader. There is a difference between the two. A leadership team has you working with other leaders in order to come up with a collective group solution and the other, the team leader, means you are an individual in charge of leading the team towards the completion of a task. You need to clearly define which type of leader you were at that time.

The essay mostly covers your duties and responsibilities, but not really any clear leadership and influencing task, It would be better for your essay if you can show leadership via conflict resolution or inspirational actions based on team work related problems. This does not really deliver the required information for a Chevening L&I essay. You will need to revise the total content of the essay. Write a new one based on the samples available here.

The essay needs to show leadership strength and and passionate influencing skills that elevates your dedication to your job and the proper completion of the task. This sounds more like an expanded resume than a scholarship essay.

Essays / Regarding the Referees in Chevening Networking Essay [9]

There is nothing in the Chevening recommendation requirements that indicate a need to present 2 different referees. They can both come from your professional life. Just make sure that they can attest to your ability to complete the masters course requirements. They should be able to indicate your ability to study and learn based (at least) upon your ability to perform well on the job after attending training sessions, seminars, or other continuing education programs as sponsored by your employer. They should also be able to certify your skills in leadership and networking along with your ability to get along with your co-workers and other interpersonal qualities.

You may use a reference from the school teacher you collaborated with in that person's capacity as a person who knows you in a voluntary capacity. Since you only need 2 referees, you are over by one referee. Personally, I would pick my immediate supervisor or department head and the voluntary reference so that the reviewer gets to know you based on 2 different settings rather than just basing his opinion of you on 2 people from the same workplace. Then again, that's just me. Your choice may be different from mine.

Essays / Aid for the application of Chevening scholarship professional experience [3]

Elaine, there is a cumulative work experience of 2 years, composed of up to 10 periods for the Chevening application. The rules indicate that the work experience may be comprised of the following:

- Part-time / full time work
- Voluntary work
- Paid or unpaid internships

You cannot use any academic based work experience in this instance because the ruling is that: Employment undertaken as part of your undergraduate or postgraduate course are not eligible.

Therefore, the work experience needs to have been acquired outside of your academic hours / training. These can be internships you had during your gap year, summer vacation, spring break, or winter break. It should not have occurred as part of the course requirements during the regular semester / academic calendar.

You should not use these work experiences that you mentioned because these were completed during the academic calendar year. So the experience that you have falls under the caveat of the work experience requirement. No work experience gained during your actual time studying may be used for this presentation. I hope that you have those off hours internships or part time work relevant to the course you want to study to mention as your work experience due to the strict requirements for the work hours that are strictly implemented when screening the application documents of the potential scholar.

Research Papers / The Rise of Obesity in Our Young Children - Research essay assistance. [2]

Michael, your essay is choppy in presentation. You need to add transition sentences and transition paragraphs between topic discussions to smoothen the presentation. Otherwise, it feels like you are jumping from one discussion to another without any care for continuity or the shock that the sudden change in presentation creates for the reader.

You should also make sure to establish the authority of the person you are quoting in the essay before you use the quote. When you presented the quote from DeAngio, I wondered who this person was, what his relevance to the discussion is, and why I should consider his opinion important. That became a confusing quote and left the reader with more questions rather than answers. While this person was explaining something important, the lack of introduction makes the presentation less effective than it should have been.

Those are the most consistent problems in your presentation that you need to fix to create a better essay presentation. The essay is at least consistent in informing the reader and comes full circle when it comes to the discussion because all of the topics you presented for discussion in the first paragraph were tackled in the actual research paper. So the research paper is alright in terms of content. It is the presentation that needs to be fixed. If you feel that you need extra help in cleaning up your essay, then consider hiring a professional editor from our Services link above to polish your paper.

Writing Feedback / Ielts writing task 2: artificial intelligence - benefits and drawbacks - opinion. [3]

Thi, the prompt paraphrase is incorrect for this essay. You are supposed to reflect that this is a 3 point of view essay as part of the thesis statement. The correct final sentence should be:

It is important that both points of view be compared so that I can develop a personal stand regarding this topic.

What was created above is an original thesis statement that includes the full instruction of the original prompt in a manner that is highly different from the original prompt but still presents the required discussion instruction.

Due to the lacking reference phrases that gave the reader an understanding of which public point of view is being discussed, the essay comes across, from beginning to end as a personal opinion discussion. Therefore, the essay is not task accurate and will be scored based on that basis. The score will not be a passing one for this essay because of the TA failure on your part.

The reasoning is good but not properly presented. That is the main issue with this essay. Your reasoning could be helped if you learn how to use transition sentences or phrases to help the reader prepare for the change in discussion. For example; "... threat to human kind. With robots slowly taking over human jobs it is possible that these AI machines will take over..." That makes the introduction and transition from the topic sentence to the actual discussion smoother and clearer to the reader.

With enough practice and proper guidance, I know that you will begin to show improvement in your Task 2 writing. You have the ability, you just need to be guided towards that goal. That will come with time and practice.

Scholarship / Chevening: a career towards heritage conservation in the context of smart cities [3]

Mohamad, your essay does not sound like a real post study plan essay as it does not carry any information that directly creates a post study career plan for yourself that properly involves the UK interests in your country as supported by the UK agencies that undertake these projects. Wishing to join in the research of a UK based professor does not signify a UK interest in your country. Neither does it help to strengthen the UK ties with your country on a national scale. Therefore that reference needs to be supported by a more serious set of UK interest related information such as an agency that has an ongoing project that your newly acquired skills will be able to help enhance.

You have been repeating information from the Chevening essay prompts as a part of your response in this essay. Do not do that. Do not repeat information that the reviewer already knows. More importantly, do not mix the information for the Chevening essays into this single essay hoping that it will result in a post study career plan because you failed to do that. You have no idea how to write the post study career plan at this point. It will be better if you read the sample post study plans here before you write a new version of the essay. You can use those as samples for your revised version. This version is not going to work for your application purposes.

Scholarship / Passionate people who are not afraid to take challenges - future leaders or influencers in Indonesia [4]

Upeka, unfortunately fixing the word count of your essay is the least of your problems with this presentation. It is irrelevant to the required elements of a leadership and influencing essay. There is no real leadership, nor influencing being referred to in the presentation as your college level experience is only for peer projects, which are not the same as leading a college organization or being a part of the student government. That presentation is not going to help increase your L&I potential in the eyes of the reviewer at all. You have to think of an extra curricular activity instead where you can prove your L&I skills by showing it in action.

As for the teacher part, again, it shows the same problem. Does it even relate to your actual profession? There is no development of leadership and influencing skills at this level because you only speak of your profession as a teacher but not as a teacher who is a leader and influencer. These aspects normally happen outside of the classroom setting wherein you are either the department head or section head of a particular subject. As the supervisor of the other teachers, you could explain how you elevate the teaching and learning levels at the school through your leadership and influencing skills.

It would be better for you to rethink the content of your essay and write a stronger essay that better qualifies you as a candidate. At the moment, your essay does not have the ability to get you considered past the screening round.

Scholarship / To serve the most underprivileged compatriots. Chevening Future Leadership and Influencing Essay [4]

Dhaal, the problem with this essay is that your leadership skill is over 3 years old. You need to present a more recent leadership and influencing experience so that you can prove to the reviewer that you have continued to develop your skills in this field. An increased leadership role over a period of time is always a good signal that you are emerging as a future leader in your country.

This particular essay tells the reviewer that you once had leadership potential, but then failed to build upon it. Which means you are not going to instill confidence in the reviewer regarding your potential to continue to become or your ability to develop into a leader and influencer in your country once you reach the age of maturity as a social leader. It would be best for you to summarize this event in order to bring attention to an elevated leadership and influencing role during a more recent time.

Scholarship / Leadership Essay - Being A Leader in my Firm [2]

Cinta, there is a lack of leadership and influencing evolution within your essay. The topic you have chosen to discuss does not really convince the reviewer that you are a true leader and influencer within your field because you are speaking of a case handled by your law firm. In fact, there is no case resolution presented in the essay so the fact that your firm was handling a potentially nationally relevant case was lost in your depiction. The reviewer could care less about this presentation.

Simply having dinner and giving an inspirational talk to your team mates is not considered true leadership, nor influencing. It was only you having a bonding moment with them. Making suggestions and talking up during the group meeting, which was headed by someone else does not show you in a leadership role, you only functioned as a member of the team. Now, had you said that you were assigned to handle the overall project and team because of your suggestions, then that would have been the basis of your leadership and be considered as a valid sample by the reviewer.

Try to show at least one more instance of leadership and influencing on your part. It could be a college experience that would help better build your image as a professional leader as a lawyer or, you could discuss a community service activity such as working cases pro-bono or giving free legal advice and influencing the people coming to you for advice in some manner that helps them with regards to their situation. Anything that will help to show your potential and development as a leader who makes a difference through influencing. This essay definitely lacks that vibe at the moment.

Scholarship / Eating alone - Your network is your net work (Chevening scholarship) [3]

Thy, the content of your essay is choppy and seemingly unrelated at times. There is a lack of transitional progression in your presentation from your college years to your professional years. You need to smoothen the presentation so that it appears that your networks are actively intertwined within the performance of your current duties within your profession. The presentation is not focused on showing a working network but rather, a simply created network, which is not the same thing.

The networking essay should primarily focus on the development of your professional network as it applies to your duties and responsibilities at your current job. In this essay you are glossing over it rather than detailing it. So my suggestion is this, remove paragraphs 1 and 3, then change your concluding paragraph to explain the importance of your network as it pertains to the Chevening community of scholars. Replace paragraphs 1 and 3 with more of a professional networking presentation that will show how you started with your college network then, using the same college network, developed a more professional network within your within your field of expertise. The professional network should show how your contacts have helped you develop as a professional through the development of your work skills.

By the way, you should revise paragraph 2 to sound more suitable for a networking essay. The current emphasis of that paragraph leans more towards the L&I essay requirements due to the influencing that you had to do. If you don't alter that content to be more networking centered, you will have to remove it completely from this presentation because it throws the whole essay out of balance in terms of suitable paragraph presentations.

Scholarship / To understand urban design theories to save the remained part of my city's significant identity [3]

Alla, aside from your motivation to study these masters courses, you should also be presenting a short summary of your academic background to the reviewer. You are neglecting to give him an overall presentation of the information regarding your academic training that you received in college that has better prepared you for the masters course. You should indicate your bachelor degree and any relevant internships that you have had. You mentioned interning during your college days so you should mention that as a separate paragraph as part of your professional preparation during your college days.

Your actual professional experience is also little discussed in this essay unless it relates to your chosen course. Try to present another paragraph that better lays out your professional foundation for success in the course. Just merge your motivation for the studies within the professional background presentation as a single or 2 sentence presentation. The motivation should not take up 2 whole paragraphs as it does at the moment.

Writing Feedback / How to keep healthy in university (one para) [4]

Li, even though your one paragraph presentation has grammatical errors, the mistakes are not so severe that the message of the sentence is lost. Your thought process still comes across clearly to the reader. The discussion makes sense and offers an ESL insight into the topic. You should be happy that you were able to write this paragraph in a manner that makes yourself understood. That is not to say though that you should not work on perfecting your sentence structures. On the contrary, you should work even harder by doing more sentence structure exercises to help you become even better at writing. Some fill in the blank exercises that ask you to complete a sentence will help you with the sentence structure lessons. If you can do those exercises, then you can expect to write a better one paragraph presentation next time. Good job!

Writing Feedback / Organized tour to remote areas and community is increasingly popular. It is a positive or negative [4]

Bao, your opening paraphrase does not make any sense. Please remember that the essay is speaking in terms of the present hence your time reference should also be in the present. terms such as "...increasingly was catching on" should be written as "increasingly catching on." with the -ing part signifying that this practice is still ongoing. Additionally, the paraphrase is faulty because you are being asked if this is a positive or negative development and rather than saying "positive" or "negative" you claim "potential impacts" instead. Which does not respond to the question in the original prompt.

Your reasoning paragraphs are incorrect as well because this is a single opinion, not a comparison essay. That is evidenced by the "OR" selection for the positive or negative effects of the given discussion. As such, you have failed to properly discuss the given discussion based on the required presentation coming from the instructions.

Therefore, aside from the problematic grammar presentation, there is also an English comprehension problem involved. You need to brush up on your English comprehension lessons so you can develop your ability to understand English sentences better. Try reading English based comic books that have the comic panels showing the reader exactly what the dialogue in the instruction is showing. That is one way of better understanding the English sentences in reference to action statements. Action statements in the Task 2 essay can be interpreted as the discussion instruction so you should be able to develop your understanding of the English instructions using that method of reading practice.

Letters / To complete their proposed program, what further development does the applicant require? [2]

Abbas, your referees response is all over the place and does not really respond to the question being asked. The question is asking for your weaknesses as a student. What are these weaknesses, how does it affect your performance? Why does the professor believe that you need to develop these aspects further? Will this weakness prevent you from performing at your best as a scholar?

So there is no "I think" in the response, only "Abbas has show a weakness when it comes to..." The inability to publish your research work is not the problem of the university and does not have a relation to your performance as a student so it should not be referred to as an academic weakness in this response. The research work limitations on your part could affect your performance as a student so that could be one of the points for improvement or development that can be referred to as one of the possible responses to the question.

Scholarship / URBAN-REGIONAL PLANNER UK CHEVENING - Help make my dream come true [2]

Jessica, since you are not explaining enough about the background of yoru own organization and how the UK efforts in your country may be supportive towards your personal group's plans, it would be better if you simply leave that out of this version of the essay. The focus of this essay should only be on 2 parts:

1. Your professional plans covering a 5 year period
2. How the Newton Fund and Greenbond opportunities will help move your career and organizational (comply where you work) plans forward.

The essay is not about the movements of the government to enact changes. You are focusing on the wrong aspects of the discussion. This should be about how you can enact change using your company and the UK assisted projects in your country. Start with the second paragraph since that pulls an immediate focus upon your work and the company you work for. You may summarize the new law and government plans as part of this presentation. Remove all other lengthy government plan references in the essay. Focus on your career and the Newton Fund / Greenbonds.

After presenting your career plans in the first 2 paragraphs, use the next 2 paragraphs to discuss the Newton Fund project in one and the Greenbonds in the other. Explain how these projects can be used to support university plans or the reverse. How the university can support the plans of these 2 UK supported discussions.

By doing this, you properly divide the discussion in the essay within required topics and give yourself the opportunity to properly explain your plans as well.

Undergraduate / THE SWEET IN THE SWEAT - Common app essay prompt 2. [3]

Wankunda, you are not really overcoming an obstacle in this essay. I believe that your work is more suited towards the following prompt:

Discuss an accomplishment, event, or realization that sparked a period of personal growth and a new understanding of yourself or others.

The reason I am suggesting the switch in the prompt is based on several references in your discussion that include:
1. An awakening to the difficulties of your family life and financial restrictions
2. A desire to help overcome the restrictions or assist your parents
3. Actually going out to try and do something about it.
4. Realizing that it is not that easy to find a job.
5.Understanding what your parents have to do for the family
6. Coming to understand the value of money.
7. Coming to the realization that you are not the same as your friends anymore and understanding why that had to happen.

Based on those reasons, you can see why it would be better to change the prompt for the essay. Your whole discussion is about realization rather than overcoming an obstacle. My choice better suits the seven highlights coming from your essay. I hope you consider my suggestion so that you can use the essay in the strongest manner possible for your application essay.

Scholarship / Career plan in diplomacy/legislator in short term and long term [2]

Humaira, revise paragraph 2 of the essay that deals with the Knowledge Sharing Program for Infrastructure Development. Instead of simply explaining what the project is about, which should be done in short form, you should be delivering an idea regarding how you plan to participate in this program. What do you hope to add to the program to see further improvement in its implementation in your country? How do you see your participation positively affecting the program? More importantly, what steps will you take in order to be considered for participation in the program? Revise that part to become one of the highlights of the presentation. You may need to shorten the content of the other paragraphs in order to accomplish that. Believe me, it is a necessary edit that will benefit your final presentation.

Your long term plan is too long term. Think forward 5 years at the most. 15 years means you will have had to acquire additional higher studies that may not be related to the UK / Chevening program anymore. Keep is limited to your immediate long term plans, not your extended long term plans.

Scholarship / Everyone can be a leader -- on stage, in the middle or at the back [2]

Humaira, the bottom line is this, you wrote a draft version of a networking essay. The content is more networking focused instead of leadership and influencing relevant. Therefore, you need to set this essay aside for further development as a networking essay. Go back to the drawing board and develop an essay that focuses on the development of your leadership skills based on team management and objectives completion. You are lucky though, you can restart your essay by properly developing a professional experience from this current essay. Use paragraph 3 to revise your content.

Write a totally new opening paragraph that does not define leadership nor quotes someone else in relation to the definition. You don't need to define because you are being asked to present several examples of leadership and influencing instead. So take paragraph 3 and develop your new presentation around that. Don't use paragraph 4 because that is still a work in progress. What you need are completed and successful references to leadership and influencing in your professional field.

Scholarship / Study in UK - Why I choose international relations course [3]

Humaira, you need to specify your academic background in relation to Diplomatic Relations. Indicate if you studied Foreign Service or a similar course in college and then explain how your college studies helped you get this far in your career. Discussing your shortcomings as a professional is a nice touch. It shows the reviewer that you have given your course choices careful consideration and that you based your university and course choices on professional considerations.

However, I found that you depiction of the masters courses fall short of explaining each course's applicability to your current or future career plans. You need to explain less about what you hope to learn and how you will be using these information to help improve diplomatic relations or negotiate international contracts in the future. The essay specifically asks you to detail your future career goals in relation to your course choices so you have to explain that in no less than 2 sentences within the university and course choice paragraph.