Undergraduate / "I want to explore space." - (UC Prompt #1) [2]

first instead of 1st

also... I think physician instead of doctor...

...for providing me a horizon to which I can contrast my adventurous spirit. ----> This does not seem to make sense. You ca see the silhouette of something on the horizon... but an adventurous spirit... an adventurous spirit can contrast against something that is conservative. Maybe that is what you mean.

The last paragraph seems a little self-indulgent. I think it will be more powerful if you get the self out of the way and focus on the field you are passionate about -- recent advances, resources at the school, articles that you have read. Show that you are hell bent on success in this field.

I like what you said about being a doctor for electronic patients.

Undergraduate / 'USA business and economics' - UC Personal Statement [5]

Comma:
I was born and raised in southern California , but I trace my roots back to my home country of Pakistan.

During a recent trip...

In a recent wake of radical movements and insurgencies many young kids are offered money and sometimes forced to join the growing Taliban that have begun to take over the country. so that they too can begin taking innocent lives. this sentence was too long and unwieldy.

I think you should split that long first para into 2 paragraphs and, at the end of the first one, write a thesis statement about wanting to start a nonprofit organization.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt 2-Family Death [10]

We've never had any problems associated with plagiarism checkers, because their bots are not allowed to probe our site. However, we encourage people to use their real names when creating memberships so that their names appear next to the essays they post.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1 - Transfer - Psychology [5]

Communication among my loved ones has always been the stepping stone for my ambition in psychology.

I guess I think this should focus morre on your recent fascination with psych -- not so much about how it was for you as a little kid. How much do you know about the various schools of thought in psychology? What are your favorite treatment modalities? Have you read any good research articles lately?

That is what I think would make it better.

Book Reports / Comparing aspects of some world literature books [4]

Symbolic on several levels, the priest's dialogue exposes the situation in which K finds himself.

Maybe "exposes?" It the priest's dialogue expository?

The thesis is clear at the end of that paragraph, but I am not sure what you mean throughout the paragraph. Why is it sad that the prisoner does not know the symbolic meanings? You should explain for people like me who are not familiar with the story. It seems that the first paragraph should be about the indicted acting like fools...

As I read the rest of it, I get a better understanding, but I think para #1 needs to be reworked.

:-)

Undergraduate / 'Snake without poison' - Engineering option essay [4]

As a matter of daily routine my grandparents never failed to remind me, "A Person without Aim is like a snake without poison". It felt like they had incorporated the reminder in their everyday schedule.

The only difference was that I could now put things back together, in other words engineering the already-engineered gadgets.

I think you should show what you know a little more. Can you cite some articles written by engineers doing the specific type of work that interests you? I think the part about your childhood engineering should only be a small part of the essay. Toward the end, write a little more about your professional plans. If you are not sure of them, come up with some good ones! You can always change the plan when necessary.

Research Papers / Research Paper on Reincarnation [13]

So how is it that some can believe in such a strange thing? Some say ... bad things happen to good people, and why good things happen to the bad.----> All this material is sort of unsupported. If this is a research paper, you need to have one citation per paragraph, usually.

Look at a few articles about near death experiences, hypnosis for remembering past lives, dreams of past lives... and write a paragraph about each.

It is looking great so far! The beginning is fascinating!

Remember that if consciousness came before matter and had a dream about matter, it would not be difficult at all to believe that lives follow lives. The question of nature vs. nurture is also relevant...

Undergraduate / Every person's American Dream may be different in scope; the American Dream - UT [5]


It's better to write all people instead of all men. Don't perpetuate old, gender-oppressive language.

Complete this thought:
In order to achieve the American Dream, one needs a good education, so if the Dream is to be available to everyone education has to be made affordable to everyone.

No, I see that the American Dream seems to be the topic of this essay, but the essay is supposed to be about an issue. For example, you can write about the issue of affordable education, which you introduced near the start of this essay. That is a good issue to cover.

You could also write about the issue of sustainable energy or the issue of racism. Be sure to write about an issue; the American Dream can be mentioned, but the central theme of the essay must be an issue of concern.

Graduate / Reviewing LOR for my student in computer science [4]

...where it was approved by the judges with A+ score.

For these reasons, I strongly recommend him for your doctoral program and ask that university to award him any kind of financial aid available.

Yes, it seems like an ordinary letter, but he seems like an extraordinary student. To make the letter more powerful, include another sentence in the first paragraph: It was important to me to write this letter of recommendation for him, because...

That will add some emotional appeal and some credibility.

Undergraduate / "how I grow up"-review and specification is need for this essay--UC# [3]

I am sitting on a typical Boeing 747 which is heade d from China back to United States.

I have to learn the life of an independent adult who is completely without help in the middle of nowhere.
This summer, my family has been exhausted from my grandmother's sudden downfall. Due to a blood clot i n her brain vessel caused by a heart issue, she suffered from both heart stroke and ... (I don't know the term you need...oh, I think ther term you need is coma.

Was she in a coma?

It's a whole new experience to me: go to school, take class, do homework, contact with teacher to make up absence, cook, eat, do laundry, shop for groceries , drive , etc.

Undergraduate / Prompt #2 - The Misguided Martyr [3]

Wow, powerful! Don't let this kind of harsh memory keep you down; alcohol has caused lots of people to do similar things. Your mom is not so different from many of the hurting people I know. Her frustration is quite common, and she is among many people who have contemplated such things.

For the sake of the quality of the essay, it is useful if you balance the story with something else near the end. Don't let it seem like you used this essay as an opportunity to do some therapeutic, proprioceptive writing. Instead, drive home a point about your outlook for your career. How does tis experience affect the kind of professional you want to be? What is your justification for telling the story? Are you planning to be a social worker or psychologist?

Grammar, Usage / I am talking about something that occurred in the past, over 5-10 years. [6]

When you use "had," you are saying that at a certain time in the past you already had done something.

So, when I was in high school I had already learned pre-algebra.

Oh... but I see that you are asking about may and might. May can mean the same as might.

While the team may have lost...

While the team might have lost...

While it may be true that the team lost...

Sure, the team might have lost, but...

They can both be used the same ways.

Undergraduate / "Experiences and involvements" - uc prompt1 [5]

Well, it's okay to start it the way you did, but you need to answer the prompt question before the end of the first paragraph (i.e. "My intended major is..."). You don't NEED to, but I think you should get it in that first paragraph.

It requires that you put the story on pause, answer that question, and then get back to telling the story -- but remember that the purpose of the story is to serve as evidence to support the assertion you make about your experience with this major.

With a topic like this one, it is important to show how focused you are to this subject. Even if there are other things you want to learn, choose a subject and be totally committed to mastering it. Choose a particular aspect of or approach to Communication Studies.

Undergraduate / My Father, My Hero - Free Response for UC [3]

As I look back on my life, a figure continues to pop up in my reflection: my father.

He has always been there for me, pushing me to be better and do more good.

...engulfed my father's face in flames.

thirteen instead of 13

Can you tell some reasons that your father's influence has strengthened your certainty about your chosen field of study?

Undergraduate / No matter where I would be placed, I would always be Persian. An experience of cultural difference [5]

Now carve out some paragraphs. The first paragraph should end with a sentence that tells the main idea of the essay.

You should probably end paragraph 1 here:
...customs of my friend's family.

Start paragraph 2 with:
The most noticeable lifestyle adjustment that I made during my two week hiatus from my family was in my diet.

After that, write a paragraph all about how it changed you.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt 1: Pursuing Field in Biotech [5]

Delighted because I assumed that she made another Malaysian delicacy to showcase to me, I answered the call, eager to see her new creation. However, in front of her lay no special pan-fried noodles or delectable mooncakes -- only tears streaming down her face.

Above, I used a dash to help manage the sentence better.

And below, you need "never before having experienced":
Never before having experienced the anxiety that comes from knowing that any family member diagnosed with cancer ever before, I felt completely helpless.

Undergraduate / University of Washington "Describe an experience of cultural difference" prompt [5]

Great first sentence! You capture the reader's attention by saying something they'll disagree with! That is smart and interesting.

Use a dash to manage a long sentence:
Parents give up their own hard-earned lifesavings for the down payment of these ridiculously expensive houses -- solely for the material pursuits of their children.

Undergraduate / Princeton Quote Essay- If not us, who? If not now, when? [4]

To come up with an opening that is not so cliche, brainstorm phrases that capture the meaning of the quote:
"call to action"
Human motivation
Here and now

Start with a sentence that refers to the meaning of the words instead of the words themselves.

Undergraduate / "Club Advertisement" UC Prompt 2 [6]

How about enhancing this sentence a little:

I head a cause about which I am passionate -- organizing and overseeing the homeless shelters, canned food drives, soup kitchens, and other service events that I have admired so much. This club has cultivated some of my greatest qualities.

And at the end, make a connection with this and your intended career so that they will see how focused you are on your goal -- and that you are living a meaningful, altruistic life.

Undergraduate / uc transfer #1 sociology major marine corp expereinces [2]

The boot camp helped me to understand how important is to know a role. The military is based on rank structures.

Right here, in the above sentences, is where you start going off in some direction, moving away from the topic you started to establish. Before you start talking about boot camp, finish the intro paragraph. Let the stuff about boot camp be paragraph 2.

Finish the intro by saying:
This essay is intended to explain how my experiences in boot camp and during active duty have instilled in me an appreciation for social science, and specifically _______

Undergraduate / ACTIVITIES AND LEADERSHIP - GMU general admissions essay [3]

Use commas:
At the time, it t ook awhile for an answer to come up in my head. However, after my weekly performances, I was able to find the answer that fully expressed how I felt about music.

I joined my church choir in sixth grade, because the church simply...

All these new experiences led me to believe that music is a way to communicate and provide service to those that desire it-----> with this sentence, what are you really trying to say? People who appreciate the kind of music you play?

So... in a single sentence, state plainly what music is to you? A service? An Art? Comfort and relaxation? You should end this with a sentence that answers that question you posed.

Undergraduate / Common App-- short activity! Photography [4]

No murder allowed!

:-)

I like this essay a lot, and I would not want to change anything about it!

Calling the photographer a hunter is really smart! I hope you'll read some books by Ursula LeGuin; I think you write like her.

Undergraduate / USC Essay - Relfect on a Challenge: Surfing [3]

reassurance from the instructor...

The first line of this is a little weak. Water is not the only element that sustains life... you can say water is a slife-sustaining element.

Ecstatic about my accomplishment, I used all my strength to paddle...

Nice ending. As you look at it again, I wonder if you'll think of ways to make that swimming metaphor (i.e. in the direction of your future) even better, clearer.

Undergraduate / "our departure from NC Governor's School" - Give Me Some Advice [6]

This essay about N. Korea is so powerful! I am impressed.

Internet Explorer is a proper noun:
...my Internet Explorer icon several times a day.

Undergraduate / "The choices you make" -UC essay prompt #1 [3]

Don't keep telling yourself you are bad at grammar, or your subconscious mind might start to believe it! If you read a lot of books, you'll start to think in excellent sentences. It's easy to get in the habit of using powerful English.

..living as an adult and managing his own life.

I chuckled a bit and realized: "Wait Dad, your serious."

Living on my own came with a lot of responsibility; I had to...

Great ending! I guess your Dad has some deep wisdom about life; you are lucky!

Undergraduate / USC: What is important? (500-700 chars) [8]

Make a stronger connection between that first and last para. The first para ends with this: as hard as we might try to visualize ourselves in somebody else's shoes, that picture will never be the same as what we see actually walking in them----> so that makes me think you should make this central to the theme of the last para.

It will be even better if you use a memorable "catch phrase" in both the intro and the conclusion.

Thanks for the help you've been giving people here! I see you've done a lot of good work.

Writing Feedback / Face-to-face communication is not anymore the more effective way to communicate. [4]

That first sentence takes a long time to make its point... it needs to have the first part rephrased:
In the modern world in which we live...

And it can't be "they are":

In the modern in which we live, there are many ways...

But you wrote "diversity," so it has to be:
In the modern world in which we live, there is a diversity of ways to communicate with people, not only in the same work space, town or country, but also abroad.

Or you can simplify for powerfulness! Like this:
In our modern world, they are a diversity of ways to communicate communication methods has brought people closer together from every part of the world. with people, not only in the same work space, town or country, but also abroad.

This is a very interesting essay! It will be a stronger argument if you explain the criteria for what makes a communication "better." It is hard to write that something is "better" than something else, because that could mean so many things.

This is good writing!

Undergraduate / Why engineering at Ryerson admission essay; 'fascinated with mathematics' [9]

...with the worlds of mathematics and science...

I now believe that Ryerson is the best place for me to accomplish my goal of becoming a biomedical engineer. -----> why is it better than the other schools ou could attend?

The integration of biology, medicine and health into an engineer field will give me the skills to benefit in both engineering and the life sciences. ----> oh, this sounds like a program that makes Ryerson a better choice. What is it about this program that will satisfy you intellectually?

With Ryerson's first ever stand-alone biomedical engineering program, I hope to gain...

Maybe near the end, you can give more details about your specific interests and Ryerson's qualities that excite you as an aspiring scientist.

Undergraduate / my passion for wanting to help animals - UC essay #2 Prompt. [3]

It's very intimidating to look at a long paragraph like this. Okay, I'll muster some courage and read it, but I think you should separate it into clear paragraphs, each with four or five sentences.

Find ways to streamline-----> One quality about myself that is important to me is my passion for wanting to helping animals.

I have always loved animals, growing up and ever since my cat had passed away years ago, I have felt very strongly about humans' responsibilities to look out for the various creatures. had an interest in helping animals.

Veterinarians have to euthanize animals, too, and they have to neuter them... and turn them away if the owner has no money... I always feel concerned when animal lovers want to be veterinarians. I hope you'll consider all your options and find work that you love!

Undergraduate / The Fog Rolls Out - "Imagine you are looking out a window..." [4]

There is A wooden cabin with unfinished windows nestled in the mountains of Vermont.

You write beautifully! amyrose, did I ask you to check out essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page already? I hope you'll be a contributor. :-)

What is this part----> only then the mountains shake...
Maybe it should be:
An hour must pass before the sunlight grows stronger; after an hour, the mountains easily shake off the thinning mist.

Undergraduate / 'succeeding in a positive student environment' Why you choose St. Johns University [3]

Sometimes you can make a sentence more powerful by shaving off a few unnecessary words:
As I am Heading out of the Redstorm locker room, I feel the cold winter breeze embracing...

And sometimes you can make a sentence more powerful by eliminating weak modifiers:
...embracing my entire body with energyand confidence that we will win this next game.

Does the sentence above sound better without the word "entire" or with it?

See if you can find more places to streamline this.
:-)

Undergraduate / Pen Turning is a Way of Life - UC Essay [5]

Comma:

As I am making a pen I feel proud of what I make, because I can...

This is an incomplete sentence below:
Taking a piece of wood, putting it onto a lathe and shaping it, sanding it and producing a handmade pen.
...and "taking" is a weak word here.

Fitting a piece of wood onto a lathe and shaping it, sanding it, and producing a handmade pen is a satisfying process.

Undergraduate / Chubby Charm - MY COMMON APP ESSAY [7]

Like all teenagers, he was having an identity crisis, and I did too.

This was an exceedingly unexpected and discouraging comment but she went on. "You can fancy someone as much as you want for their looks but you'd probably get bored of him. Look at me and your father. Your father isn't so visually compelling, is he? Yet, I married him. Charm and personality are the key to marriage my dear.

This is very thoughtful and interesting. I think you should find a way, though, to at least mention your academic aspirations a little. Can you tell about what kind of professional you want to be? I don't want the person reading this to think you are old fashioned and only interested in getting married. At the end, I hope you'll write a sentence or two about the professional work you want to do.

Graduate / SOP for doctorate admission in US universities - feedback [4]

The first paragraph seems very general, like something taken from a template for a letter. Maybe it will be better to add more detail to that paragraph so that it shows your unique approach to the field of your interest. In the second para, you start talking about mechanical engineering all of a sudden... sort of abruptly. What is the connection between acoustics and mech. engineering?

Oh... I see now. For the first sentence of para #2, you should transition by telling the reader that you are going to talk about the experiences that led to your decision to study vibration and acoustics.

After graduation, I was not completely satisfied of the knowledge I had gained, so I decided to pursue a career in noise and vibration field. Therefore, I decided to go for Master's degree. During my masters degree I targeted courses related to vibration. Now after two years of experience... (this is very impressive!)

Can you talk a little more about what you want to do after you get your masters? Where would you like to work in the next 5 years?

Undergraduate / UT austin TOPIC B essay- issue of importance to me- business ethic [3]

Maybe it is better in the present tense: As I witness this obnoxious TV commercial, advertising a Hummer and proudly deluding buyers by creating a brand image suggesting mastery over the wilderness, I am thrown to flood of thoughts and questions.

I did not think "flood of thoughts of questions" sounded right...

...that if the company fails to consider its responsibility to society, then it can never be successful.

I think you should condense the material about the misleading Hummer commercial and precede it by an intro paragraph. Let the Hummer paragraph be one that illustrates the main idea of the essay, which is that you feel strongly about advertising and ethics. The ending is quite good; now give an intro that will enable to the reader to appreciate this theme of ethics in branding and advertising.

Faq, Help / Question about EssayForum - How does this site work? [105]

It sounds like you are in the right place if you are interested in helping people collaborate to improve their writing!

I apologize! I deleted your link you your website out of habit, because ordinarily we do not let people advertise here, but maybe it is okay to link people to your site here in the "Student Talk" category.

Please provide that link to your site again, and we will see if it is okay to keep it here. I look forward to visiting your site.

Undergraduate / a successful engineering career, Career Goals Statement [2]

Internet should be capitalized.

Problem-solver should have a hyphen.

I like your personality in this essay; it's very engaging, with rhythmic sentences. Some readers will not like the rhetorical use of the word "why," though. Why? Because it is sort of obnoxious and advertising-ish to presume to know what questions are arising in the reader's mind. And why? Because the reader may be a prude who cannot actually appreciate your sincere self-expression. I say keep the rhetorical "why" questions, but be aware that some people judge composition in a prudish way that would scoff at this...

Wow, you sure are a good writer.

Graduate / What to put accross in the Masters In Public Policy-SOP? [3]

This is a great question; thanks so much for participating with us here.

Your resume will show those valuable experiences, so your focus in the SOP should be to win their hearts. When someone is very purposeful, she is focused on a clear plan for the future.

your resume shows the past, so let the SOP show your detailed plan for the future. What is the theme of your life's work as you envision it? Show that you have a unique contribution to make.

Let's see a draft when you get started! :-)

Undergraduate / VCU-page "87" essay- My Life Changing Experience To Mexico [2]

I'll cross out the 2 cliches in a row that start your essay:
Little did I know that reality as I knew it was about to change as I waited to board the plane departing for Queretaro, Mexico.

How about condensing the start:
As I stood in line, waiting to board the plane to Queretaro, Mexico, I was filled with anticipation and nervousness. Yet there was a slight bit of nervousness rushing through my body. I had never traveled outside the United States, and therefore I did not know what to expect.

Go through the essay and find places where you can "say it with fewer words."

:-)

Even though our purpose was to teach and witness to the people of Mexico, they were the ones who taught us valuable lessons. -----> good sentence!!

Undergraduate / My high motivation - UC transfer- Personal Quality I value the most [4]

People often write "wide range," so "wild range" makes it seem like you have a misunderstanding:
In NCCU, I not only participate in wide range of... extracurricular activities, but also devote myself to a specialized field: I worked in the computer center as a consultant, helping users solving their technical problems. -----? I added a colon to that sentence above; a colon works well there.