Writing Feedback / Governments should focus its budget more on environmental protection than on economic developments [2]

Carol, when you are asked to respond to a question, you must do so within the first paragraph of the written response. Now, I see that you placed your actual response at the every end of the essay. That is definitely not the right place to introduce your response as the whole premise of your essay reasoning will be based on your response to the question. Better known as a thesis statement, this presentation is done within the last sentence of the first paragraph in order to help you outline your discussion topic for the 250 word maximum essay.

I can see that you made a mistake with your response not only in the presentation location but the type of response as well. Since the prompt asks you to indicate a measurement of your disagreement with the essay, you must use words that show your conviction or belief in the side of the discussion you are supporting. So you can say:

I strongly disagree
I firmly disagree
I am a firm believer that...
I will present strong reasons to support my unwavering disagreement with

and other variations thereof. Now, you did a good job with this essay in the sense that you opted to discuss only one side of the issue within the essay. This shows a clear focus and understanding of the discussion requirements. While your presentation is not grammatically perfect, your message clearly comes across to the reader and that should help get you a passing score in the independent writing task.

Scholarship / Chevening Essay - Empathy and Vision as the core abilities for future leaders or influencers [3]

Hi Adrian, I hope you will be appreciative of my observations and advice even though it isn't very positive. My job is to look for the flaws in your writing so that you can deliver the proper and most perfect essay to the reviewer. I hope you won't takes my statements against me, I'm just trying to help :-)

I see that you wrote 529 words for an essay that is only supposed to be 250-500 words at the most. You definitely need to edit this essay for content in order to meet the word requirement. Actually, if I were the person revising this essay, I would not try to edit this written piece but rather, I would write a totally new one since it is always easier to write a new essay based on valid advice than it is to edit and revise an existing essay for content. Editing it for connectivity and relevance can be extremely trying for anyone trying to meet a deadline.

The main factor in this essay that you have to correct is the constant reference to "we" in all the projects you were involved in. Not once did you ever appear to take the lead in a team situation wherein you actually had to lead and influence the members to get the job done. Your reference is always a collective effort, which indicates that the leadership was on a collective basis as well with you ranking as a follower rather than a leader in all instances you have mentioned in the essay.

You need to present just one solid instance of "I" as a leader in your presentation. A situation where you had command responsibility for the success or failure of an undertaking which led to your leadership and influencing requirements. Situations that actually had you at the helm of a team that you were able to whip into shape when it felt like you were not going to be able to do it. Perhaps a situation where your team could not cooperate with the community and you had to influence both sides in order to get the task done. Yes, I believe that would work very well. The problem is, you cannot refer to a "we" scenario.

You need to be more on the "In order to accomplish this task, I had to instruct and explain (a reference to lead and influence)" or something like that within 250-500 words. Yes, something that implies the previous statement would work best for your presentation. I hope you have some sort of experience that represents that which could be used as the example in this leadership and influencing essay.

Before I go, I need to ask you to do something very important. Do not define leadership and influencing using an explanation of Indonesian culture, race, and ethnicity. You are just wasting valuable word count and the reviewer is not interested in that information. He is also most definitely not interests in your concept of empathy and vision in relation to leadership and influencing. These theoretical presentations are unnecessary and wasteful of the reviewer's time. He may opt not to read your essay after the first unrelated paragraph since he has hundreds more to read and assess within the day. Just get to the point at once. Open with the narration of your leadership and influencing scenario. Don't waste the reviewer's time. The prompt asks you to explain how you embody being a future leader and influencer in your country anyway, it does not ask you define the terms. Don't do anything the prompt isn't asking for in order to save yourself from going over the word count.

Scholarship / As Chevening awardee, I will further enhance my networking skills and widen my circle [4]

Mohamad, no amount of bragging regarding contacts you claim to have made will be useful to your application because you are not really highlighting how the network has helped you in a professional manner. You are constantly speaking of yourself and the job opportunities it created for you but you never once mentioned how these networks have helped you during your professional career.

You lack a clear networking of at least one network that you created which was able to help you complete a work task. You are mentioning names of people who are known to you, but could be of no importance to the reviewer as well. Unless you have the absolute written permission of these people via a letter of recommendation, then you should not be mentioning their names in this essay or any other essay for that matter in relation to Chevening.

The essay is highly confusing to read as you are not indicating if you are a professor who deals with dentistry students or something. The network you present should have a direct relation to the profession you are performing in. Regardless of your academic background as those networks do not really count as professional contacts unless you can actually cite an actual, non job hiring related explanation for it. By the way, the idea that you got someone a job using contacts is shallow and irrelevant to the discussion. You need something meatier to present such as a contact who helped you gain something that led to a promotion for you at work. Or having someone approach you for a job related purpose that required you call upon your contact. Don't say you used your contacts to find someone a job. Anybody can do that for anyone they know and would like to help.

In totality, this does not sound like a networking essay at all. It sounds more like an expanded version of your resume with your duties and responsibilities as a rank and file employee being enumerated in the hopes of having these information pass for a valid professional network. Which it isn't. You are also so self-centered in this essay that you have failed to explain how you will work with the Chevening community to assist other scholars, both past and present, who have a need for your particular type of network. Don't forget that Chevening is concerned first and foremost, with the relevance of your network to their community and second, how you can help your community members when needed.

Based on the above comments, I guess it should be obvious to you that the only solution for your information problem in this essay will be to write a totally new essay that is more functional and relevant in terms of properly presenting your networking skills and its usability in your professional life.

Writing Feedback / The bar chart reveals the change of the proportion of USA citizens (all ages) living alone [2]

Ngo, while you did write 180 plus words in this essay, the analysis and presentation of facts for your essay is insufficient and, in some instances incorrect. While you did present the correct illustration identification, you did not complete the prompt overview and trending statement in the correct manner. You also did not sufficiently explain the data per group from the chart. The prompt overview should have been as follows:

The bar chart provided for analysis and reporting in this essay represents trend of Americans living alone based on 5 different age groups. The measurement was done in percentages and covered the following age groups regardless of gender considerations: 17-26, 27-36, 47-54, 55-64. The trend indicated is that Americans preferred to live alone on an increasing basis starting from the year 1850 and peaked in 2000. The measurements were observed starting from 1850 and were charted based on a per decade reading until the year 2000.

Now, since the data indicated in the graph was presented on a per decade year basis, each decade of comparison needs to be clearly indicated in the essay. The essay becomes factually inaccurate when you do not inform the reader of the actual data presented that you used for the development of the report. Remember, the assumption is that the reader does not have access to the image so you need to be highly specific about the information you received and analyzed. Doing so will ensure a better Task 1 score even if your grammar is not as perfect as it can be.

Writing Feedback / I don't believe that students can acquire more knowledge from schools than during online education [2]

Zhou, you have automatically failed this essay test due to your misunderstanding of the topic for discussion and how to discuss it. This is an extent essay, which means you have to present a degree of agreement or disagreement with the given statement. You must take one side of the discussion and defend it in 2 paragraphs. Or, partially agree or disagree then do a comparison discussion within 2 paragraphs. This is a 4 paragraph essay which you need to properly respond to otherwise, you fail the test. Why did you fail the test? Mostly because you misunderstood the method of discussion required.

Prompt instruction: TO WHAT EXTENT DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE?
Response: I would argue that there are more benefits for them to study online.

As you can see you decided to argue about the benefits of studying online when the instruction was for you discuss your agreement or disagreement with the assumption that students learn more from their teachers rather than online or on television. You then proceeded to do a comparison discussion for the given 2 opinions when all you were required to do was respond by giving a measured response to the original question via the agree/disagree method. Therefore, your essay failed to meet the prompt requirements due to your lack of understanding when it came to the prompt instructions.

The appropriate response to the question would have been:

I partially disagree with the idea that students learn more from their teachers rather than other educational channels.

The partial disagreement with the idea would have given you the opportunity you required to discuss both points of view in a contemplative manner. Please take the time to review other extent essay samples at this forum by clicking on the Similar Discussion [+] link below. It will help you become more familiar with the varied approaches to these types of discussion questions.

Writing Feedback / Does a free society requires having freedom of speech and express their word? IELTS [2]

Noura, rather than presenting question after question in this essay, which creates redundancies, you should instead be responding directly to the prompt requirement but, before you present your response, you should rephrase the question presented so that you can show your English comprehension skills to the examiner. The better presentation for your paragraph is:

There have been some inquiries as to whether free speech is necessary when living in a democratic country. I believe that people must be given the freedom to express themselves for several reasons. This essay will discuss the right to free speech as related to the Human Bill of Rights and Freedom of speech as defined by international law.

You have several vocabulary mistakes that will drag down your LR score. "Relaying" means to pass on. What you wanted to say was "relying" which means to be dependent on the government or another entity. Different words with different spellings that have different meanings. Point deductions will be made.

I hope you have the time to brush up on current events because you are very little educated in that section. America does not have a prime minister. The head of the country is called the president, not the prime minister. This sounds like information you just made up as evidenced by you lack of proper knowledge regarding American governance. Do not try to impress the reviewer with notable information if your information is incorrect. That will not be helpful towards your final score.

Also, when you present an example within your response. Don't leave it hanging like you did with the presentation of the street protests in the UK. You have to explain how that relates to your reason and present its relevance to the discussion. If the example is not well supported the you will lose C&C points as well.

Scholarship / Leadership is totally mandatory if you want to be a great architect. CHEVENING [3]

Ana, as I keep telling the current crop of Chevening applicants, you are wasting the time of the reviewer by defining what leadership means to you. That is a waste of his reading time and your word count. A definition is not required because you must prove that you "embody" or "personify" the traits of a potential future leader and influencer in your country. Unfortunately, your essay just enumerated these points rather than proving it via specific instances. Actually, you need only one instant of influencing and leadership in your presentation. Not several as you have presented at the moment.

Now, you indicate that you come from a political family, this has allowed you to become a community leader of sorts with a specific type of leadership and influencing traits used when dealing with local or national organizations within your neighborhood or city. Perhaps you have some local government influence and leading skills to discuss in this section. Do you believe that you have ample experience to speak of in this aspect? If you do, then I strongly urge you to use the political implication for this essay as that shows a clear national or local leadership and influencing skill that can be developed for future use. Just remember though, it has to be a recent development in order to be effective in your presentation. Nothing more than 2 years old for increased consideration. Something that happened within the year would be best.

The Leo club is too far back and academic in scope for it to be relevant to your current leadership skills. You don't need to show the development of the skills, you need to show how you use your developed skills instead.

Being a receptionist is too lowly a position to use as an example. It will not impress the reviewer at all. Specially since your promotion to admin staff does not indicate a true leadership or influencing reference.

Your other option here would be your freelance projects as an architect. Pick you most problematic project and explain how you overcame the leadership and influencing difficulties. That would work just as well as your political experience.

I have presented you with the options for your topic in the revised essay. Do not use all of the suggested scenarios. Pick the one that will give you the strongest chance to highlight all your leadership and influencing skills based on a positive and notable outcome of your actions. That will most likely be your most competitive leadership and influencing essay that you can present to the reviewer.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2-Discuss Main Aim For University Educaiton [3]

Ryan, it appears that you forgot to present the prompt paraphrase in this essay. While you may present your personal opinion anywhere within the 3 body paragraphs, you must first fulfill the proper prompt paraphrase in order to prove that you have a clear understanding of the prompt requirement and how it is to be discussed. In this instance, There is no prompt paraphrase to be had.

You immediately launched into a personal point of view discussion without first explaining to the reader what the essay is all about. So you have failed in the task accuracy portion of this test. Now, if you meant to represent the prompt paraphrase in your first paragraph, then your personal opinion should not have been presented as a thesis statement. Instead, it should have been presented as a fully developed second paragraph. The proper presentation for this essay is:

There are two opinions regarding the intention of a student for attending university studies. The first point of view, is that students go to college in order to help them prepare for their future employment. While others think that college is only meant to help a student gain a better understanding of the world around him. It is important that these two points of view be analyzed for a better understanding of each perception. After such an analysis is done, a personal point of view may be developed for this discussion.

On the one hand...

On the other hand...

I believe that, based upon the provided information...

Your final paragraph, known as the concluding summary should not be the discussion of your personal opinion. As implied by the instructions, this is a 5 paragraph essay since you are required to present 3 discussion points in the body of paragraph. The personal opinion is never presented as a concluding statement as that paragraph is meant to simply summarize the discussion points in a manner similar to the opening paraphrase.

Scholarship / Looking forward to a promising career in development sector - Chevening Career Plan Question [2]

Shreya, you are missing the point. Your post study plan needs to show how your career plans will coincide with any DFID project in India. You must indicate a project of the DFID where your new skills can be utilized. It isn't about just finishing a masters course and moving on with your career. How do you plan to help the UK government in the fulfillment of its projects in India that are related to your profession? That is a key factor that is missing in your essay and must, I cannot stress this enough, must be represented in your post study plans.

Do not just mention that you plan to contact the Chevening alumna in India. You need to define a purpose for this contact. Why you think you need the support of Chevening even after you graduate? What plans do you have that the alumni organization can help you with? How will this project help promote Chevening and assist in the development of your country / field of expertise?

I consider this essay promising because it can represent 2 impressive factors. Your desire to work the DFID and a willingness to continue acknowledging your Chevening relationship after graduation. Both of which will be sure to impress the reviewer if you can only develop both this ideas on a far larger and more important scale than mentioned in this current essay. Properly explained, these could cover your long term / 5 year career plan as well. That is, if you can find a way to merge your profession with your partnership with these organizations within your work projects.

Undergraduate / I love running. - one of MIT short essays [2]

Erkhes, when you are asked about doing something just for the pleasure of it, that means you do something simply for the enjoyment of it. Something like painting, binge watching, leisurely strolling in the park, or similar activities that you do to relax and unwind. In this response, you are running not just because you like to run and not have any worries, you like to run because you like picking out someone to compete with. That is counter to the requirements of the prompt. Talk about something that you do because you enjoy doing it without having to compete. Sure running is your passion, but you are doing it for personal competition, not because you just want to blow off some steam and relax, which is the whole point of the essay prompt. Talk about what you do to just relax. No personal competition involved.

Scholarship / Chevening Essay - Question one - Leadership [2]

Nada, this essay is too unimpressive for a Chevening leadership and influencing essay. It is not very appropriate for you to be presenting such an academic leadership and influencing skill when you are applying for a scholarship that requires its sponsored students to be of the highest professional ranking and standard possible within their field of expertise / work. This essay will not do. It will not be able to stand up to comparisons with other candidates who have worked for notable companies, hold significant titles of leadership in their firm, and have notable influencing activities that support their leadership styles on a national or international scale.

My advice to you is this, if you are currently working and you are working in a position of note or responsibility within the company, use a professional situation to illustrate your leadership and ability skills. If you are merely a rank and file employee who only fulfills the orders or instructions as provided to you by the actual leader, then don't try to make your being a gopher in the office sound like you are a supervisor. Try to find another avenue of leadership that you can use instead.

If you cannot use a professional experience, then use a community service experience where you again, actually led and influenced a team. The same rules apply for this sort of presentation as well. If you were only a member who did not do something to emerge as a leader and influencer, then that won't count either as relevant leadership and influencing skills in this essay.

The scholarship program is looking for emerging leaders in the professional community of each country. That is why your essay will not be able to compare when held up to scrutiny against other far more experienced and notable applicants. This is academic in setting, where you may have led, but the final decisions came from other people. The authorities of the university. There is no pro and con to your decision making process in an academic setting and even if there were, the gamble you made on the decision does not have far reaching benefits or consequences. Hence it is an unacceptable example of leadership and influencing.

Writing Feedback / You left a bag of equipment at the gym last night. Write a letter to the manager - task 1 [4]

Han, your letter is incorrect when it comes to the presentation of information and your plan of action. When you say "your gym is about to close down for a week" that implies that the gym is not yet closed but will be closing. As per the instructions you were given the gym is already closed. So the proper reference would have been, "your gym is currently closed for the whole week." The term currently indicates that the action is ongoing.

Now, you are not writing to inquire about your belongings. You are writing to inquire about how you can get your belongings from inside the gym. When writing a letter based upon previously set instructions, there is no need to add information. For this letter, you need only have written about the note you need, license, and important letters. The gift to your niece is not indicated as an important part of the letter you are writing and should not be referenced as that is a deviation from the required discussion.

Finally, you should be requesting for information about whom to contact in order to get your things from inside the gym. Offer your contact details such as your email and mobile number and indicate the times you can be reached by phone. Or ask for the name and number of the person you can reach out to in order to get assistance regarding this matter.

Scholarship / Leadership and influence means to me making a positive change and a lasting impact on people [2]

Ruona, you don't sound like you need this scholarship. Why do I say that? You can manage to run a self-funded foundation so that immediately tells the reviewer that you are monied and can very well afford to pay your way at an overseas college. You don't need the Chevening scholarship to student in the UK. That mention alone could be enough to end your quest to win the scholarship. The people who are awarded this scholarship are people who have talent and skills but lack the financial ability to study overseas. While trying to make yourself sound like a good candidate, you overqualified yourself for possible consideration.

Your experiences are all community based which, although good, does not ever place you in an actual leadership and influencing position because you make it seem like these are just activities you are participating in because you have too much time on your hands. That is probably because you come from a family that will be turning over the family business to you. Now, to get to the point. If you want to be considered for this scholarship, focus on your professional aspect of leadership, do not brag, and do not list your volunteer activities. Your community activities are far too many to be able to prove true leadership and influencing skills because you don't really imply actual leadership or influencing in any volunteer instance. Detailing your duties does not prove leadership and influencing skills.

You claim that you are next in line to manage the family business and you are being given the opportunity to make key strategic decisions as part of your training as the future leader of the company. So, discuss what your biggest leadership challenge has been to date and how you resolved the conflict through the help of your company staff. Be specific about the type of influencing skills you had to use in order to make them accept your leadership. Don't just claim leadership and influence, showcase it. Show, don't tell. Prove it through your actions.

As you know, the scholarship is looking for upcoming leaders in your country. That means, you have to prove that you have what it takes to become the head of your family corporation. You do that by showcasing your abilities in action. Not implying them, not listing it as if you were writing a grocery list. You may want to look at the other successful Chevening applicant essays at this forum to use as a reference for writing a totally new leadership and influencing essay for yourself.

More importantly, don't waste time defining what leadership means to you. The reviewer doesn't care about what you understand leadership to be. He is interested in discovering whether you know how to lead and influence people instead. Knowing the definition of a word and actually being the embodiment of the definition are two different things and your essay is proof of that.

Book Reports / Describe an important character and explain how they helped you understand an idea(s) in the text [2]

Joliene, this is not a character analysis based on a personal insight, this is simply a character analysis based on the opinion of other characters in the book. This extremely long character study is nothing more than a book summary in extended form. I do not believe that this is the purpose of this paper. You claim that the purpose of this paper is to describe the character and its relation to an idea within the text that you came to understand through an examination of that person. Therefore, you shouldn't be referring to the insight of the writer about the character through the perception of fellow book characters.

What you should be doing instead is picking an idea first out of the story you read. Which idea stood out the most for you? Why does it stand out? How does it relate to your understanding of the character who embodies the idea? Why did you come to understand the text that way because of the actions of this character? The point of view that you should be representing is personal and the pronoun used should be first person. After all, this is your analysis of the character, not a summary of how other characters in the book saw the character you are talking about.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : the table below shows the figures for imprisonment in five countries 1930-1980 [4]

Asih, you need to look at the Task 1 writing samples at this forum in order to learn how to properly write your essay. Read the samples, understand what mistakes were made, and learn from the advice given for the corrections of the errors. Apply the advice to your future practice tests in order to improve your writing skills.

Just writing more than the word count without any actual analysis and substance to your presentation shows a mechanical understanding of the image you were provided. All of your sentences are extremely long. These are called run-on sentences and need to be avoided when writing Task 1 and 2 essays. You will get points deductions in the LR, C&C and GRA sections if your paragraphs are less than understandable and have problems with vocabulary usage and sentence development.

You need to present the information in individual sentences over 4 paragraphs. Anywhere between 3-5 sentences will be sufficient for this task. In actuality, your writing sounds like a very bad version of Google Translate. I think you were not really thinking in English, which made it difficult for you to write the correct English words for this essay.

Don't just present the data, analyze it. What does the data mean? Why is this data important? What is the trend? What should the reader learn from the information you are presenting as a summary analysis? These are questions that the Task 1 essay must respond to.

You need to become more familiar with English vocabulary and word usage in order to show some improvement in your writing ability. Right now, your writing skills do not instill much confidence that you are anywhere near a writing level that will allow you pass the Task 1 essay test.

Writing Feedback / Blood Diamonds, The Bad and The Ugly [2]

McKelvey, you may want to revise this essay a bit. You mention the Kimberly Process a few times in the essay, but you do not really explain what this process is all about. I understand that it can put an end to the blood diamond process, but I am unclear as to how this can happen and what its connection to the diamond trade is. I think you should review the essay and decide where you can insert a paragraph that references this discussion. It will give the essay a more informative touch and also present the reader with a clear understanding of what this alternative process is all about.

Aside from grammar correction and sentence editing, the essay could use a more solid thesis statement. I know what the essay is talking about, I don't know why you are talking about it. What is the purpose of the essay? You guessed it, the all too important thesis statement is missing from the opening paragraph. You have a very effective hook, but the reason for the presentation is totally non-existent. So when you discuss the history of the blood diamond, its current implications, and the Kimberly Process, I find myself asking, "Why should I care about any of this? How does it affect me? Why does it affect me?" Like you said in the essay, this will never affect me in America. So what gives? That, is where the essay fails in terms of informing the reader.

Writing Feedback / 'Experiences, moments, and events all have an impact on our life' - Defining Moment: Paragraph [5]

Sujana, one of the points for correction in this essay is your reference to the idea that you could love and believe in yourself. That is not to be defined as a language but rather a belief or a mindset. I would change that sentence to "... because a foreign idea to me." or "became a strange belief for me". Additionally, I would not say that you did not get the help you needed. You actually got the help you needed from the people whose influence and acceptance of you matters the most, your peers and family. That love, care, and affection cannot be given by a therapist nor drugs. You healed on a personal level and that is what matters the most.

This is a very good self-analysis essay. You have made a strong statement that explains where you came from, who you were, and who you are today. That is the mark of a well developed narrative presentation. Good job!

Scholarship / KGSP personal statement .. applying for second time after a rejection [6]

Zara, the essay that you wrote does not follow the requirements for a KGSP Personal Statement. You are supposed to write information that fits on only 1 side of an A4 sized paper. There is absolutely no way you can write over 1000 words on an A4 sized paper. The most you can squeeze in there, with an unreasonably small font size is only 500 words. You need to edit the content before you can even proceed with finalizing this paper. The specific instruction is:

Please write not exceeding 2 pages on an A4 size format, one-sided only

A 2 page paper on regular sized paper is anywhere from 500-600 words. Therefore, the A4 paper should house no more than 500 words that respond completely to the prompt information listing.

Your motivation for a clear interest in a specific accounting field is not clearly defined in this essay. The total presentation sounds like you just threw all of the information that you think the reviewer will want to read or, will affect the reviewer to grant your scholarship application, without considering the size of the page and the presentation requirements. Keep it short, keep it informed. Do not write a personal novel as you did here. This will be one reason why you will be passed over by the reviewer. He doesn't have the time to read more than a thousand words when he has hundreds of pending applications to read within a day.

Your reason for wanting to study in Korea needs to be academic in nature and come from a comparative angle of the educational system in your country. Why and how did you come to the decision that Korea has a better academic system? Beyond the lifestyle that all the students have been led to believe that they can afford in Korea, what other academic reasons do you have? Social reasons aside.

Your TOPIK level is too low to brag about in this essay. However, it shows a simple grasp of the Korean language, so you should make this a part of your achievements, in relation to your interest in a Korean education.

If you majored in Humanities, why are you suddenly shifting courses? Don't confuse the issue, omit that information since it is not requested by the prompt. Focus only on presenting the quickest form of information as outlined for you by the form.

You have way too much unnecessary information in this essay. You need to revise the content based on the prompt requirements. What you should do when developing your revised essay is this, list down each prompt requirement and then write your response under it. Do not write more than 10 sentences per requirement in order to keep your draft to a manageable level of words. Once you have responded to each prompt, delete the question and develop your response further, without going over 500 words.

Your aim will be to present a concise response within an acceptable number of words. Your should make sure the reviewer will decide to finish reading your paper and that you will be informing him completely based on the prompt guidelines within one side of an A4 sized paper.

Speaking of paper sizes, the best way to make sure you will accomplish this task is by simply typing your response on an A4 sized paper to begin with. If you enter a second page for that size of paper, you have written too much and need to revise your work. Keep revising until you say everything on a single side of the page.

Accomplishing your personal statement in the required manner and proper focus on content will lead to a more acceptable essay and also allow the reviewer to get the required information faster, which means he can note the parts that impressed him about your application as well.

Writing Feedback / The scientific research should be carried out and controlled by the governments, not private firms [3]

Phan, you have a tendency to write hanging sentences. A hanging sentence is a presentation of an incomplete thought or idea. This means, you may have subject but not a verb for your presentation or a verb but no subject. or a variation thereof. An example of a hanging sentence from your essay is as follows:

While the companies usually build up funds to invest in research and development for creating and improving products.

As the fact that study projects in advanced countries have the trend using money from private organisation based on a cooperative agreement.

The first example, should have been connected to the previous sentence rather than making it a stand-alone hanging sentence. The use of a simple comma between the two thoughts would have created a cohesive and coherent sentence presentation. In the second example, you need to provide a fact first, then connect it to this statement either as a stand alone sentence or a blended sentence of 2 thoughts in one presentation.

Finally, since this is an extent essay, you cannot simply "not agree" with the given statement. You need to give a measure of disagreement such as strongly, fully, partially, half heartedly, apprehensively, and other similar "emotional" reference words before your actual agreement/disagreement. You also turned the essay into a direct question response essay by immediately stating your reasons for your decision rather than keeping those for the body of paragraphs, which normally allow you to better explain your reasons. Only a direct question essay gives you the opportunity to create a thesis statement based on your discussion reasons. In all other essays, the thesis statement is provided to you by the agree/disagree, POV discussion instructions.

Undergraduate / Why I want to go to a Christian College- College Application [2]

Elizabeth, I believe that this essay is well written but can still be improved. For starters, rather than saying "Because of this decision", take a strong ownership in the statement by instead saying "My decision helped me to grow as a person..." There is a sense of seriousness to the latter presentation that makes it more academic in tone than starting the sentence with a connecting word which, as you know, is grammatically incorrect.

Next, mention your desire to find a new group of religious friends before you tell the reviewer about your youth group. That way the topic sentence comes before the verb / action explanation. In addition to this reason, you may want to add an academic aspect to your decision since there is a clear reference to a "Christian academic community" in the prompt. What made you decide that you would benefit from this type of community? Is it because you plan to enter a convent after graduation in order to dedicate your life to God? Explanations such as these are of an important nature to this prompt..

Don't keep it short, write 500 words in this instance. The long form of the essay will allow you to better explain the benefits and intentions you have for studying in a Christian setting.

Writing Feedback / Although more and more people read news online, newspapers remain the most important source of news [3]

Tran, you are being asked a question, "Do you agree or disagree?" You are not being asked "Do you think newspapers will survive the internet?" Why did you change the topic for the discussion? Did you not understand the question? The prompt instruction is answerable by agree/disagree and should only be discussed from a single point of view. This is not a dual POV essay that allows you to have "maybe" for a response.

Not convinced that you made a mistake yet? Let's go into details then:

Original Instruction: Do you agree or disagree?
Response: I believe that the Internet will be as popolar as newspapers.

BTW, the term is "popular" not "popolar". Be very conscious of the terms you use and how you spell it. Several spelling errors will mean greater LR deductions due to a lack of proper English vocabulary use and understanding. You already bungled this essay with the incorrect TA action, try to limit your mistakes to at least lessen your overall deductions and leave you at least closer to a passing mark.

Your concluding statement, where you placed your response to the prompt is incorrect. That is an integral response that is required as part of the thesis statement in the opening paragraph. Simply put, you were asked a question at the start of the essay and therefore, you should also respond to the question at the start of the essay. The body paragraphs should only be used to provide your reasons and supporting statements for your response. You cannot discuss your disagreement as a dual sided discussion. If you say you disagree, then that is the only point of view you should discuss within the 3 body paragraphs that allow you to reason out based on your POV for the essay. This is not an extent essay that allows you to "partially" support both sides. The concluding paragraph should merely sum up the discussions you presented in the body of paragraphs with a repeat of your direct opinion as an agree/disagree sentence to remind the reader about what the discussion is all about.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - opinions on transportation improvements [3]

Shi, your essay falls short in terms of Task Accuracy and cannot get a passing score due to discussion inadequacies, among the other problems of your essay. You need to be more focused and concentrated when reading the original prompt so that you can clearly restate it in the prompt paraphrase. In this instance, you misinformed the reader, did not properly outline the discussion topics for the body of paragraphs, and only used a singular point of view throughout the presentation. These are the main reasons why your score will get a low TA consideration. Now, for the specific explanations of your problems.

For starters, let me show you the correct paraphrase for the instructions / thesis statement of the prompt since that is where your mistake lies in this paragraph:

My opinion regarding this discussion will be based on an understanding of the two points of view that need to be better understood by the public.

The above presentation clearly outlines what the discussion in the body paragraphs will be based upon the original set of instructions which are: 2 POV + Personal Opinion. To be clear, I'll outline the instructions for you so that you can see why you made a mistake:

Instruction: Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Paraphrase: I believe the priority should be upgrading transportations that we already have. However, I think the answer depends on different situations of different countries.

Your thesis paraphrase should never be different from the original prompt. Doing so clearly shows a lack of English comprehension skills and will cause the essay, as in this instance, to get a failing score. Once you make a mistake with the opening paraphrase, there is no hope of ever passing the test as the TA section is the biggest of the scoring considerations. Now, based on the fact that you did not discuss both points of view in this essay based on the original instruction, there are additional reasons as to why your essay will be unable to receive a passing score. One simple mistake, changing the manner of the discussion has led you to not pass this test.

Scholarship / What engineering means to me - pursuing success in Korea (mechanical engineering field) [3]

Paul, your last paragraph is very notable in terms of delivering your motivation for studying in Korea. I would like you to move that paragraph to the top of the essay so that you will have an effective hook placed there. However, I would like you start with "When I was in the 10th grade" rather than involving your teacher in the discussion. You are not being asked for a person who inspired you in this essay, but you are asked about what motivated your interest to study in Korea. That is why the first 2 sentences in that paragraph are not necessary to the presentation.

You may want to separate the information about KOICA as the secondary motivating factor for your interest to study in Korea. It would be better if you can further develop how your interest in a Korean education took shape. Inform the reviewer if you plan to take the TOPIK test before you go to Korea or if you plan to take it after you complete the mandatory 1 year Korean language training. Connect this to the KOICA experience that you have in order to justify your interest in a Korean education.

Delete the following line as well: "I believe that being given the opportunity to study in a country such as South Korea that has thrived despite its difficulties, will perhaps allow me to one day thrive as well." It doesn't really add anything to the paragraph and lessens the impact of your statement in that paragraph. It would be best to omit that mention instead.

With regards to your academic excellence, try to be more specific. What is an academic honor hall student? What ranking did you have when you graduated? Did this honor offer you any educational benefits or additional recognition? By the way, you may want to discuss what kind of job you had to get and how it connects, if ever, to your chosen undergrad major. That way your motivation becomes even stronger and fluid in continued discussion within the rest of the essay.

This is one of the stronger KGSP personal statements that I have read during this application cycle at this forum. With the right adjustments, you will have a strong essay that can compete with the other applicant's essay presentations. I wish you the best of luck with your application.

Writing Feedback / These days many families move abroad for work. [3]

Vivek, you turned this essay into a single point of view discussion when it should have been a 3 point of view essay. Simply using the terms " On the one side" and "On the flip side" does not mean you are discussing 2 PUBLIC points of view. That means you are discussing only your singular point of view. That is why the 5 paragraph opinion essay became a 4 paragraph single point of view discussion.

Why am I so sure that this requires the 3 point of view discussion? Read the prompt. It indicates the following keywords "Some people" and "Others believe" refer to the public point of view. That is why, in the prompt instructions where it says "Discuss both views", you need to refer to the public opinion for 2 paragraphs before referring to your personal point of view. Your personal point of view should be based upon your understanding of the 2 public points of view.

That is why the essay that you wrote will be considered tangential in response and as such, be scored only on the personal opinion discussion, which will not be able to pull up your score to a passing one because of the other sentence structure, vocabulary, and clarity of discussion problems with your essay. In order to have a chance of writing a passing essay, you need to have discussed the other 2 points of view as well from the public point of view.

Your personal opinion should have been referenced in the discussion by starting a stand alone paragraph with the words "In my opinion" or "Based on the public reasons, I believe that..." Ownership of the statements create a clear idea as to who is speaking and what point of view is being presented (public or personal).

Writing Feedback / APPLICATION FOR THE MOOT CLUB - THE BANNING OF WEARING HIJAB IN EUROPE COUNTRIES [2]

Linh, I believe that you should be arguing this case from the point of view of the separation of church and state. The state is not allowed to look into religious matters by the constitution and therefore, the government should not be banning the hijab as that is a representative of religious freedom in the country. As such, it is the religious rights of the person that is infringed upon. A right that is protected by the constitution and should therefore be respected as a part of their basic human rights. Your discussion does not really lay a clear legal foundation for your claims as you seem to be basing it on religious practice as opposed to religious freedoms that have been protect both directly and indirectly by the separation of church and state.

It will be better for your essay is you look into precedents for this discussion (if any). Look into news reports coming out of France related to the enforcement of the hijab rule and consider the legalities being presented in the discussion. Based on your new information, you should be able to come up with a more legal versed and acceptable discussion as opposed to your current public and personal opinion discussion. You need to gain a better understanding of the law that France is trying to enforce and what actual previous laws it may be violating in the country when it comes to religious freedom.

Scholarship / Chevening Scholarship Networking Question - I have grown as a professional [3]

Shreya, remove all references to LinkedIn within your essay. That is not considered a real network as there are questions as to the reliability and authenticity of the people participating in this social media site. It makes you look very amateurish in the eyes of the reviewer. You need to focus only on networks gained through your experiences attending seminars and conferences over the years. You will be lessening the impact of your essay if you retain those references. You must remove that and the quotation from the LinkedIn founder as well. Those will not help with your application. In fact, don't even try to define what networking is. You need to exemplify your networking skills instead.

Here is a suggestion as to how you can revise this essay without having to change it in totality, since most of the content of your essay is important and should be brought to the attention of the reviewer. I would like you to use the following paragraphs as your revised essay foundation: 2,4,5. All of these networking experiences need to be developed within each paragraph with the following information:

1. Office you were working for at the time
2. Specific organizations you networked with
3. How you created these networks (conferences or seminars with dates)
4. Professional situation that led to the use of this network
5. How the network was able to help you address the work situation
6. How you repaid the debt of gratitude to the network member

Now you are not required to show several networking examples. You may opt to choose one or a maximum of 2 networks for the example portion. You have to make a decision based on the maximum word allowance for the essay. I suggest fully building up the most important networking experience that you have rather than confusing the essay with too many references to your networking skills instead.

You need to make references as to why you believe that your network will make a very good addition to the Chevening network and its community of scholars. That will help to address the question as to how you hope to help widen the Chevening network and assist the scholar members of the program. If you can manage to make these corrections, then your essay will probably be considered for the scholarship.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1: describe a table about forest land [3]

Emma, you need to be precise when it comes to describing the image that is presented to you for analysis. That means, you need to know the difference between a diagram, a chart, a table, and a graph. The graphs come in various forms as well. You need to make sure to use the right descriptive term for the image otherwise you relay wrong information to the reader. What you have here is a table, not a diagram. A diagram is a drawing of a series of instructions for the development of a product or place. You must familiarize yourself with these terms otherwise, you will lose LR points as your vocabulary usage will be incorrect in succeeding essays.

You are lacking another paragraph presentation in this essay. The best scoring is achieved by 4 paragraph presentations composed of 3-5 sentences each. Your paragraphs should have been divided into sentences. What you presented are more of run-on and long sentence presentations, which will have an adverse effect on your GRA score. Take note of these mistakes. Even if you write more than the required 150 words, if you do not follow the correct format, then point deductions can occur based on scoring considerations and rules.

Research Papers / Pesticide contaminated foods - Research Paper [2]

Deborah, paragraph number 3 is not working well in combination with the first 2 paragraphs that you wrote. If you want to use that paragraph, you should use it as part of the opening paragraph, before the presentation of your thesis statement. That way you cover the history of pesticide use at the beginning of the presentation. The place it is in right now is not proper and it feels like it should be deleted from the presentation. My suggestion gives you an opportunity to use the paragraph in the right place within the research in order to strengthen the overall presentation.

Your last 2 paragraphs do not have any real purpose in the presentation due to lack of discussion development. The second to the last paragraph seems to have an incomplete presentation. I am not sure about what it is that you want to say in this paragraph. The same goes for your last sentence. It sounds like it was accidentally left in the essay during the drafting process. You can eliminate that sentence totally so that you can develop a better concluding paragraph to close the essay with.

Scholarship / CHEVENING Leadership essay - Turning around one of the largest Geothermal development project [4]

Putra, I am very impressed with the leadership and influencing abilities that you showcased in this essay. This is the kind of essay that could definitely catch the attention of the Chevening reviewer. However, I feel that you have paid too much focus on the leadership skills that you have so that the influencing skills were little presented and developed in the overall presentation.

In the paragraph where you say there was problem relating to the existing leadership and communication style, you specifically mention that you opened communication forums. That is a good start for presenting your influencing style. However, it is not developed enough to show what other venues of influence your created in the workplace in order to help influence the team into a positive mindset. You mentioned low morale in particular. How did you influence the team in order to boost their morale aside from promoting open communication? How did the team improve over 3 months? What influencing skills did you have to use? How was it received? I am sure you understand what I am trying to explain here. Owing to what you have said in the paragraph, I don't doubt you have the information to clarify this part of your influencing skills.

Another good thing about your essay is that you close the presentation by showing how your leadership and influencing skills continue to grow and be an integral part of your professional development. This shows that you are a true professional whose career growth may be of note in the future in your country, which is exactly what the essay is all about.

So the essay just requires a few minor tweaks and adjustments in order to better respond to the task requirement. You do not have to change the whole essay. Just a few paragraphs and sentences here and there in order to better reflect the information that should be presented in the essay,

Writing Feedback / Task 2:Supporting cultural activities may be beneficial for the population and the culture - Discuss [4]

Pham, This is a 5 paragraph essay. The body of paragraphs need to cover 3 represented topics as per the prompt instructions. The body should be composed of:

1. Public opinion 1
2. Public opinion 2
3. Personal point of view

Or any variation thereof. By variation, I mean you can write about those topics in no particular order in the body, as long as all 3 points of view are represented. In your essay, you only cover the personal point of view in both instances. That means your essay is only partially correct in discussion format and will be scored accordingly. It will be difficult for this essay to get a passing score in this instance due to the missing discussion requirements.

Your prompt paraphrase is also incorrect because you do not represent the topic for discussion and discussion method in the correct manner. Now, it is obvious that you did not post the original prompt requirement as there is only one point of view indicated in your instructions. So I cannot show you a sample of how to properly word the prompt paraphrase.

In all honesty, this is a careless piece of work that did not take the original instructions into account when it was being written. It will not be scored well on all 4 aspects due to the haphazard writing style and lack of proper discussion presentation.

Scholarship / Trust, honesty, hard work - CHEVENING NETWORKING ESSAY [2]

Daniel, the requirement for the Chevening Networking essay is as follows:

Chevening is looking for individuals with strong networking skills, who will engage with the Chevening community and influence and lead others in their chosen profession. Explain how you meet this requirement, using clear examples of your networking skills, and outline how you hope to use these skills in the future.

Based upon the above requirements, it should be obvious to you that the essay that you wrote and the reference to networking within it does not qualify under the required guidelines. Though you wrote a networking essay, it is not professional enough, not complex enough, and not noteworthy enough to be considered as a competitive networking reference for your scholarship application. It is too localized in reference and does not offer any opportunity for sharing it in an effective manner within the Chevening community. This is an essay about job networking on a personal basis that resulted in a personal rather professional gratification.

This is a short sighted networking essay that cannot go beyond your profession as a local / community based graphic artist. You need a network that is somehow presented on a national scale through your attendance of relevant seminars and events where you developed an impressive, usable, and noteworthy network of business related contacts who can help the Chevening community in some way.

You must review the other samples of networking essays available at this forum. Compare your network to theirs and you will see where your network falls severely short of requirements and competitiveness. It is imperative that you develop a far more impressive and Chevening community usable network for your application presentation. As of now, this particular networking essay will definitely be useless to your application as it cannot impress the reviewer who will be reading about far more complex and useful networks from other applicants.

Scholarship / Competitive educational system - MY PERSONAL STATEMENT #2 FOR KGSP [5]

Rannie, this is a grammatical nightmare that is sure to confuse the scholarship reviewer. It is difficult to make sense of most of what you wrote. You seem to have just taken a dictionary and used the most impressive English words that you could find, without regard for the clarity and substance of what you wrote. I suggest that you seek professional editing services for your work. This essay has the potential to be useful with regards to your application, provided your presentation becomes clearer in terms of content, topic, and discussion.

Your first essay was an exercise in exaggerations. This new version, though improved when considering the exaggerations of the first essay, is too wordy and does not have proper sentence structures that could help the Korean understand what you are trying to say. I am not saying this to be harsh or to demean you. I am saying this to help you. If you want to have an essay that can compete, you need to have an essay that can be understood.

I want you to win this scholarship but your lack of control over English grammar and sentence structure are proving to be your worst enemies at this point. Seek professional editing help to clean up your essay. That is the only way you will stand a chance of being considered for this scholarship program.

Writing Feedback / Unknown charge - CELPIP TEST - email to the credit card company [3]

Han, you cannot be driven bewildered because being bewildered is a state of being perplexed and confused; very puzzled. You can be driven crazy or driven up the wall, but never driven bewildered. There is no such thing as an unknown charge on a credit card because the store where the transaction was made is always indicated. That transaction should instead be referenced as a misposting or mistaken posting on your card. There is a confusing reference in your first paragraph:


- Did you mean to say that the transaction forced you to go over your credit card limit instead? I'm not entirely sure what you meant to say here. Remember, don't thinkin your language then translate to English. That is how you end up with confusingly worded sentences such as the above example. Think in English, write in English.

You do not ask the credit card company to discharge the $50, you ask them to deduct it. Deduct means to remove from a balance while discharge means to tell (someone) officially that they can or must leave a place or situation. You should not be saying you refuse to pay but rather that you hope an investigation as to how the error occurred and that you will cooperate with them. By the way, you don't need to explain to them that you went to PetSmart with a friend but did not buy anything. That is irrelevant to the misposting.

While you do have several errors in the presentation of this letter, you did manage to present all the required information and expectations as to how the problem can be resolved. If your grammar issues are not considered, this letter is somewhat acceptable in presentation.

Scholarship / Chevening Networking Essay - High-trust Relationships for Ever Lasting Networking [2]

Bayu, please stop defining your understanding of terms and referencing your college education at this point in your application. You are applying for a masters degree scholarship. As a masters degree student, you are expected to have at least 5 years worth of professional experience in various fields related to your current profession that will showcase your professionalism and ability to perform during stressful situations in a professional, uncontrolled setting.

You are truly limiting your chances to showcase your professional skills when you focus so much on your academic successes, which do not have any weight in terms of consideration when you are applying for an international scholarship that is looking for future leaders in the field. The focus of the scholarship is professional not academic networking. If you keep focusing on your academic successes then you better find another scholarship to apply for. I am telling you, you will not make it past the first round of considerations at this point and not with this essay. I have to be blunt because you are not listening to me. This essay will get you nowhere near being considered for the scholarship.

Focus on Pertamina. specifically, the May 2017 conference. What you have to do is explain how you used the network you created during this seminar in your current profession. Based on your job description, duties and responsibilities, plus task assignments, when did you have a chance to actually use the contacts you made at the IPA? Networking in this essay means showing how your contacts helped you accomplish your tasks and how you helped other in exchange. Take this essay seriously because this is one of the most important essays that Chevening asks an applicant to write.

This essay will help the committee assess whether or not you have the kind of networking skills and channels that can help to improve the useful contacts that Chevening students are expected to share with one another. The idea is to present your network in such a manner that indicates why this is important and how its addition to the Chevening roster, through your addition as a scholarship student, will heighten the prestige and usability of the Chevening network. That is why you are asked to present an explanation as to why and how Chevening can benefit from this network at the end of the essay. At this point, you have not accomplished any of the important requirements that the committee members will be considering as they review your application.

Writing Feedback / Task 2 - Some individuals believe that studying at university or college is the best route [4]

Hoa, why are you discussing pros and cons in an essay that is asking you to discuss "both points of views"? Pros and cons are a totally separate prompt instruction. When public points of view are mentioned, such as in this essay, you are supposed to stick to only a comparison discussion of the essay based on the given prompt information. For this essay, the two discussion reasons for the body of paragraphs should have been limited to:

1. Studying at university or college is the best route to the successful career
2. Others believe that it is better to get a job straight after school

Your actual discussion has too many superfluous topics for discussion when the above 2 reasons where all the reasons you needed to justify in the presentation. This would have helped to show that you understood the instructions and the focus of the discussion without having to go overboard with your discussion topics.

All of your paragraphs carry topic sentences but no justifiable reasons for your presentation. A completely developed paragraph needs to have valid explanations and samples that support the given statement. However, since you just kept enumerating reasons rather than properly discussing its supporting data, all of your paragraphs are under developed, not very coherent, and definitely not concise presentations. Good work on the transition sentence in your second paragraph though. It was well developed and clear in thought presentation.

Had you focused your essay on a single defensive topic for each point of view, your essay would have been better off and above the word count in a good way. Writing only 250 words indicates a lack of English vocabulary on your part because you did not even try to write more words, at least 275, in order to show your LR skills to the reviewer, which could have been used to increase your overall score.

Grammar, Usage / Develop paragraph by the supporting topic sentences : "Television watching should be..." [3]

Quang, it appears that there are several topic sentences to be supported in this writing. However, you failed to list what these sentences are so I am not sure if you were able to properly use these in the development of this paragraph. There is an obvious lack of familiarity with the development of English sentences on your part as you use connecting words where it is not required such as in reference to "make people be lazy". It should have been written as "make people lazy." No need for a connecting word in that instance.

Since this paper is not meant to address a specific audience, you should not be making reference to "your" in this statement. Keep it general in reference such as saying "Television watching prevents people from being helpful to others." If a reference to an audience should be made, it should be evident from the start of the presentation otherwise it does not make any sense to suddenly do that in the middle of the statement.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Taks 1: Some college has agreed to check your house and pet while you are on vacations [5]

Aimal, this is more of a listing of duties you are ordering your friend to undertake rather than a request for a friend to do some of your duties while you are away. You have a problem using connecting words. You don't use the words and, be, where, a, and other connecting reference words. Which is why your grammar is not very good and your sentence structure is very poor in every line.

Another grammar issue is your problem with word capitalization. While you did capitalize the name of Saeed and Ali, you should have also capitalized the name Jerry, even if the name belongs to your pet. It is still a proper noun and needs to be written as such. You are also prone to redundancies. Asking your friend to feed the cat twice a day implies a morning and evening feeding unless otherwise specified. Your last sentence in that paragraph needs to be capitalized at the start.

You do not water a flower. You water THE flowers. FYI, you do not ever ask a friend to pay for your bills. That is something you do personally. Your last sentence is grammatically incorrect. It should read as :

Always lock the door and check all the locks in the house before leaving for the office.

Undergraduate / Why ISU is fit for your educational goals and explain your academic strengths and weaknesses [3]

Taylor, your essay is nowhere near what the prompt is asking you to explain. You do not have any academic goals listed in this essay. Only the fanciful thoughts of an ambitious person. You are not listing any academic strengths and weaknesses either. Only a mention of how your mother influenced your career decision. The total essay needs to be deleted and a new one made in its place.

The reviewer doesn't carea bout how you felt when he set foot in the university. What he cares about is your current academic performance and how it fits with the demands of an ISU education upon a student. Do you think you meet the requirements of the university? If so, why and how? These will be the strengths of your academic core.

As a business major, you should explain what you believe your weaknesses are. You can base these weaknesses on your observations of your mother's strength as a business person if you wish. Or perhaps you are not very good when it comes to math or business theories? Something that shows that you will be working hard at improving as a student will work. Regardless of the subject as long as it is academic in focus.

Then you should go on to explain why you feel that despite these weaknesses, you will still be a good academic fit for the university. Base your statement on the core subjects you will be taking and how you hope to grow as a student there owing the training you will be receiving. No generic references that the reviewer must have heard over a million times by now. Be specific about the courses you are interested in and why.

The essay prompt requires you to show a familiarity with the major you have chosen, the minor you will be studying and the connected academic programs at the university. A serious applicant will know exactly what kind of academic career you will be having as an ISU student and that, is what you have to highlight in this essay.

Scholarship / My aim is to produce innovative technologies that would fulfill people`s needs. SCHOLARSHIP ESSAY [3]

Avoid overly dramatic presentations such as having your grandmother withhold food until you spoke to her in Russian to ask for it. Those are exaggerations that are not going to help your essay. Dramatic essays will get you nowhere when the prompt requires you to be serious and not exaggerated in your information presentation. That is why your prompt requirements are for and I suggest you respond only in a direct manner to those questions without exaggerations as you are prone to do in this essay. The language barrier between you and your grandmother is irrelevant. That is not related to the KGSP requirements in any way. Forget the language barrier. You are not applying to become a linguist so that is totally useless in the discussion.

You lack a presentation of your educational background and accomplishments. That is a requirement for the KGSP scholarship program because they want to admit only the academically excellent graduates from around the world. If you do not have any educational background and accomplishments to present then your essay will already be weak and most likely not qualified for consideration.

You have too much focus on pretending to be a native Korean speaker. Unless you are a TOPIK passer, you cannot fool the reviewer into thinking that. Instead, focus on presenting yourself as a learner of the language who is eager to become fluent in it.

Your extra curricular activities are again, exaggerated. As I recall, you wrote this for a different essay application and you decided to throw this in here. It does not fit the narrative requirement of KGSP so you need to revise it to better reflect the requirements for the extra curricular activities. The aim is to show that yo are a socially well adjusted person who knows how to compete and win. You also need to prove that you are useful to your local community through volunteer activities. A KGSP scholar must show that he is not self centered and can put the need of others above his own if it will benefit the community.

As a personal statement, you do not need to discuss Aerospace Engineering at this point. If you notice, that is not required in the prompt listing and therefore, should not be presented in the actual essay. Do not offer information that is not required by the prompt listing. You can save this for your study plan instead. Talk about the educational abilities of Korea instead and why you believe that you cannot learn these in Uzbekistan or Russia, the latter being well known for aerospace development as well. Justify the reasons why you believe that Korea is the best place for you to learn based on their academic achievements. Don't confuse the discussion with a history lesson.

Writing Feedback / Theoretical knowledge and qualifications should never be underestimated - crucial in the job market [2]

Mai, you need to address this essay with a clear response to the extent question that was provided in the original prompt. Your prompt paraphrase became incorrect because of the lack of proper prompt restatement and response to the question. The proper paraphrase is:

These days, the ability of a person to do a job is considered to be far more important than whether or not he has the educational background to do the job. That is why there is a belief that the future workers may no longer be qualified to have a formal college degree before being hired for the job. I am in partial agreement with this point of view because several considerations.

The first consideration is that....

However, I believe that....

That is why in the end it will most likely...

The main problem with your essay does not lie in the discussion you presented. It lies in your lack of task accuracy response. In order for your body of paragraphs / reasons to be acceptable you first need to make sure that your response to the task question is accurate. If you are not responding properly in the TA section but have a relevant line of reasoning in the body of paragraphs, then you will be scored for the sections that show a clear response, but will lose points due to lack of word requirement since your response will not have a properly worded TA response and as such, have less than the required word count for maximum essay scoring consideration.

Another reason you will not be able to pass the test with this essay is because your concluding summary is a continuing discussion of the given prompt. There are 2 sets of scoring considerations that will determine the overall score for this section of your writing. The paragraph is used to summarize the discussion only as part of the LR and C&C considerations. How well you can explain the essay prompt a second time using the reasoning you presented will be looked at and scored accordingly in this section as part of the TA, LR, GRA, and C&C considerations. The first prompt paraphrase considers how well you can explain a given topic and its instructions. This has a different scoring requirement than the concluding summary.