Graduate / "the Spanish classes" - Law School Admission Essay, BC BU NorthEastern etc. [4]

Yes, it is great that you are practicing too write in a way that soothes the reader with a thumping rhythm.

Like this little change:

"Eight months is a long time," I sigh to myself as I desperately search for an Internet connection. My laptop can barely hold a signal...

A way to improve it will be to list some specific intellectual or professional achievements you are planning to have. This is well-written, for sure.

Oh, I have an idea! When you add those school-specific paragraphs, write very specific detailed sentences about their resources, programs, profs, etc. and how they relate to your specific plan.

Undergraduate / 'Enough Is As Good As A Feast' - Common App Essay-An Important Person, a student of mine [6]

Yes, always make the final draft shorter than the first draft. Less is more. Find ways to cut out unnecessary sentences. Think about the experience of the reader.

Undergraduate / "Go to bed" - UC transfer essay prompt 1 [3]

With a solid academic background to which my family, professors, and supervisors all contributed meaningfully, I strongly feel that I am adequately equipped. with a solid academic background to progress to the next level.

Over the past month, I had followed him to work daily, observing ...

Mention some research articles that are important in your field... and it will show them that you are driven and passionate! This means you will have to google around for some industrial engineering and operations articles by people doing what you want to do. Mention some hot topics in the field today! And mention some articles.

Writing Feedback / LEGALIZATION OF SAME SEX MARRIAGE - revise my introduction, argumentative paper. [32]

Now, have it change forms here so that it does not become tiresome:
Imagine that you want to pronounce your love through marriage and that your own...

Looking good! Fix this little typo in the thesis:
Same sex marriages should be legalized because people failure to legalize it denies people equal rights and interferes with the separation of the church and state.

:-)

There are so many subjects covered in this paragraph... I think you should consider using a bulleted list in your intro. Then, below, it, you proclaim your thesis sentence :-) Maybe bulleted lists are not supposed to be in intros... but I do it!

Graduate / Need to strengthen my SOP for bio PhD program [2]

Prevent is a better word here: would prevent me from doing well in America,

Hearing about their efforts to realize their a vision for a future generation of scientists was very motivating, and the inspiration I received at the conference soon transformed into action when my friends and I initiated... ah, excellent! You write like a lava lamp, always changing form, structure, mood.

You just need to trim it down as much as you can... like this:
In my mind, It suddenly seemed more necessary than ever to..

Less really is more, because the reader can be sort of hypnotized by writing that is dense with meaning. You can use your talent to help other people to write with rhythm and flowing, form-changing sentences... it's really good.

It is indeed good that you mention 2 research interests... but you can condense all of that into a single sentence if you want. Or maybe 2 sentences.. Also, if it is possible to add more detail about the prof's, your plans, etc, add that detail! But do it in as few words as possible!

:)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay What are some important qualities of a good supervisor [2]

What does this mean? ----> good perception on the man.

Do you mean to say this instead? ----> Good understanding about human nature.

I think "good perception of the man" is unclear.

If a supervisor knows only a little about specialized subject, he will have trouble on making the plan, controlling the process, and evaluating the performance.

See that sentence (above)... it has to be... if he knows, he will have trouble making/controlling/evaluating/doing/reading/hearing...

You use ing when you talk about an action this way.

Furthermore, the character is also important for good supervisor.

I have read some articles by Goleman that talk about 3 important qualities in a leader: I.Q., technical skill, and "emotional intelligence." Maybe you will enjoy reading about emotional intelligence (Goleman).

Undergraduate / UC PROMPT #1 - "Average? Maybe not" [7]

Wow, I really like the effect you have at the beginning... I like your use of "unsurprisingly." :-)

I live with my mom and dad; we aren't rich or poor, and we haven't discovered some long-lost relative that is a billionaire. Unsurprisingly, my story is that well-known cliché about ha ving immigrant parents who came to the United States to study and have a better future.

So cool! At the end, you are correct in your suspicion that the last sentence is not helpful. At the end, you should say something deeper about being special -- and for ideas, you might want to google epistemology. Read about epistemology, an then say something at the end that refers back to the thing about whether or not you are special.

Undergraduate / Art of mind; Nine types of intelligences [4]

Ha ha! You did so well! I like the beginning...where you found out you were not challenged after all. What a great job you did explaining it.

I don't want to have you change anything about how this is written, because it is great as it is. However, notice that you were engaged in a discussion about Gardner's multiple intelligences theory... it will be impressive if you include one sentence in the last and/or first paragraph to name the intelligence about which you're writing and say something about what gardner said about it txstate.edu/mcgs/special-projects/Eastern-Nazaren -College-Wo/contentParagraph/01/text_files/file3/howard%20ga rdnermultipleintelligences.pdf

Undergraduate / double or single-spaced & attach my resume? - Application Questions... [9]

That is great, I'm glad it worked out that way. College is a time for transformation, so it is good to get immersed in an environment that will make you a master in some field. The atmosphere has to be right.

Undergraduate / My passion for knowledge has been nurtured fiercely since infancy, magnifying every passing moment [10]

I liked that short first sentence from the previous version...

It's not as though I personally love my father and his family over my mother; being home alone with her would eventually end up with us clashing dramatically with me serving as her emotional punching bag.

This seems like it could be biased... so far, at the end of the first para, I am worried you might present yourself in a negative light.

I keep reading, and it gets more judgmental, angrier... you note that your mother had a difficult upbringing, and that is not enough for you to forgive her... and her upbringing was rough due to the Holocaust's effects on your grandparents...so... if you want to present yourself in a positive light, show that you are able to perceive the chain of events that led to the ways your mother has hurt you, and show that you understand so deeply that you are able to forgive.

At the end of the essay, instead of paying homage to her for "inadvertently" sending you to a good school, pay homage to her for the suffering she has done as the one who preceded you on this chain of hurt. If you can touch on forgiveness in the essay -- and discuss breaking the chain -- it will be more impressive than this bitter rant. You might have to do the forgiving first, and then the writing!

:-)

Writing Feedback / The Graduation Day... (the best day of my life) [7]

Oh, I see. Well, that works well for it...

Undergraduate / "Something is wrong," I told myself; U Pitt's , experience [5]

It is great, actually. The reason it seems like you stray off topic is because you did not establish -- at the end of the first paragraph -- that part of your motivation to study economics comes from your grandmother, and important teacher from your youth.

At the end of the first para, write a sentence that encapsulates your main idea! That way, the whole essay will be "on topic."

Undergraduate / UT essay - person of impact on you and importance of that person [9]


That is a way of saying you do not understand the rules... but we can fix that! I hope you'll spend some time with a little tiny book called the elements of style by strunk and white. It is a very small book that can make you become the best writer you know!

We share half of the same blood, have never lived under the same roof, and are fourteen years apart.

This first sentence is complex, and you did it correctly. So... you must be better than you thought!!

Use a dash:
She inspires me in every possible way -- whether it is believing that i can get into college and be successful (no comma here ) or just everyday responsibilities such as cleaning the house, washing the dishes, or taking care of my hygiene.

Both my sister and I are first...

generation American citizens. English was not our first language. In fact, my first language was Korean and hers was Spanish. We share the same Korean father, but I have a Korean mother and she has a Mexican mother. -----> How fascinating!!! That is a beautiful mixture. I am so impressed with your writing...please find strunk and white!!

This is all I have written so far. Is it okay so far, or should i change it?

Undergraduate / 'The soccer ball game' - MIT short answer: something you like to do. [6]

I may bake in the sun or soak in the rain. ----> Great sentence!!

Trim the weeds:
I may be nonchalantly kicking an object or playing in a pulsating, hotly contested tournament. final .

Undergraduate / Writing Music Reviews (Common App Short Response) [10]

Yes! Since the 6th grade, I have had...good catch, macca!

Dramatic pause:
Writing reviews is an activity that I hold near and dear to me. Whenever I need to relieve stress, all I need to do is just grab my notebook and my iPod -- and let the words take over.

:-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Physical exercise should be required part of every school day [7]

Excellent, at this point, the way to improve it is to cite reliable research data from journals such as those found through google scholar, questia, jstor, ebsco, or a similar database. This is good writing, so it deserves to be supported with good citations of scholarly research -- but perhaps that is more than what is necessary for TOEFL!!!

If you really want to get it perfect, you can fix this: In addition, including exercise in children's daily routine it is a good way to teach...

Here below, it is "teach them the value" ...and "everyday" is one word as an adjective... and it is "their routines..."

...will teach them the important value of having physical activity in their everyday routines.

Research Papers / factors affecting stock market - Research topic [21]

Whose perception of customer satisfaction?

Maybe it should be more specific: Perception of Customer Satisfaction among Executives in the Computer Industry.

Graduate / Statement of purpose on Asian Studies [6]

Comparative philosophy introduced ideal society models into my thinking. Also, it forced me to me challenge their presupposition combined with reality and make comparison between west and east.

No, I do not think you need to broaden the theme. It is already an enormous and complex topic. You are doing a great job. I wonder, though, what would you do to broaden it if you had to?

Undergraduate / UofM Ross School of Business: Starting your own organization or project [9]

:-)

Yep, if people help 2 others for every essay they post, this place will be bubbling over with collaboration.

Writing Feedback / Creative Essay "The Truth" about Poland [2]

These fields contain the utmost beautiful flowers, and the weather is out of this world. It only snows delicious , fluffy marshmallows, and the rainwater is so pure that it is bottled and sold to the most richest people.

I can't tell if this is all one paragraph... are you starting a new paragraph with this? Obviously, this description of the...

Don't capitalize bowling.

...to think "outside the box."

I do not want to waste your time by advertising myself for you, and telling you about why I am the best, and all the reasons you should accept me. I would much rather show you some originality and my unique personality. This is why I decided to use a creative writing piece about my country. I hope instead of hearing some story of an accomplishment, or about what clubs and activities I am involved in, my tale of the less-than-perfect country of Poland will make me stand out.

At the end, I think you should make one more wild claim about Poland!

Undergraduate / "My Family"- UC Prompt [5]

Well...merriam-webster.com/dictionary/tangible

...characteristics that invariably distinguish them from others. However, they are, to a greater extent, affected and defined by their environment or the surroundings in which they inhabit. An initially timid figure who was reluctant to be involved in social activities, I had to be encouraged by my family, especially my parents, who became a vital source of comfort on which I could rely.

By possessing a positive mindset of which I was lacking, my parents helped me to perfect my dreams and aspirations and remained exemplary role models for me.

Undergraduate / UC-'The World I came from' (South-Korean) essay [5]

You wrote a beautiful first sentence.

And Also, I enjoyed going to such places. However, I did not like going to the opera house u ntil I saw "The Magic Flute" My parents once took me to watch "Aida," but it was too abstruse for a 9 year old boy to completely understand the whole opera. Since then, I did not like watching operas. I always refused to go to the opera house whenever my parents told me to. However, one day, my parents told me about the opera "The Magic Flute" by Mozart. The title fascinated me at first.

Above, I got rid of some info that really does not fit with the essay.

What a great conversation with your mother! How cool.

While I am a pure South Korean, ethnically, my characteristics are shaped by a lot of extraordinary experiences. Such experiences made me wanted to study abroad, and that is why I came to the States, where I will lear n more among international students. I am from the world, the literal WORLD.

You have an excellent way with words. I hope these suggestions help you!!!

Writing Feedback / CBEST - 'Working abroad'; Making Important Decision [3]

There are advantages and disadvantages that must be considered before making the decision to leave one's homeland . The decision did not came easily, as I had to weigh it carefully. Working abroad includes adjustment in language and culture; yet, it will bring financial assistance and growth in my profession as a teacher.

I think you should type one instead of 1, five instead of 5, three instead of 3.

We knew that it would be difficult at first but there are a lot of ways to make some adjustments. I took the risk and was willing to sacrifice with hopes that I could reunite with them in a few year's time. In my thoughts and mind, I am willing to sacrifice a few years when the reward will be beneficial for my son's future.

Excellent! I hope you can see them soon.

The idea of working abroad is an exciting prospect to many people.

Undergraduate / SUNY Application (Karate, my life) [6]

This principle from Bruce Lee's philosophy of martial arts is what I have followed throughout life.

It was the most arduous achievement I have ever attained , and it gave me a new insight into life.

But using my prior training, I knew to be patient and shrug off the pain, and waiting for my chance to attack.

Martial arts develops not only discipline, understanding of a human mind and movement, and physical strength, but also ...

Please start reading books by Dr. Yang Jwing-Ming until you become proficient in "Daoist breathing"!!!

Undergraduate / "To make others happy", have to shorten by 400 letters/characters. pennstate p.s [9]

Summers used to be so boring. It was too hot to play sports, the beach was too far, and friends were away. One day, All this can go; it sets a bad mood for the essay... and it doesn't help.

Consider using "developmentally challenged" instead of mentally challenged.

It is an excellent experience to write about, and you wrote very well here! Can you connect that enjoyment of helping, somehow, with your career goals?

Undergraduate / Not a Love Story - UT Person of Influence [6]

Experiment with giving less detail:
...I was at my friend Juan's house, waiting for his friend Jaime to arrive.

...far cry from those to which I had been exposed at school events like homecoming and prom.

Nice! This is a cool story. Find her on facebook...

Don't use "manned up," because it is a little chauvinistic.

Faq, Help / My essay needs editing - do you provide such help for this work too? [21]

Writing might be you! Just choose some words that feel nice to say, and you can start enjoying the hypnotic hum of prose.

Undergraduate / This is the world of Autism ; Common App Essay - Person of Significant Influence [13]

Well, I have microsoft ofice 2003, and when I highlight a few paragraphs, I am able to find out how many words, characters, and so forth are there, by clicking "tools" and then "word count." And it does not just count the words. It tells you how many characters with spacaes, and how many without.

Maybe your program is different, though...oh! Look what I found for you! My thank you gift for all the people you help here: allworldphone.com/count-words-characters.htm

Undergraduate / "I also dreamed to help someone if I could" - Best I Ever Had [3]





We really had so much fun with those people . They were also just like us; common people and company of same kinds of people always makes us feel good. After arriving home, I talked with my parents about all those things which happened that day.

That night I slept with the most comfort -- and why not? I was feeling so proud for helping people and saving a life. Excellent! Keep reading and working on your English! I hope you do very well in school and help more of us.

Undergraduate / From Black and White to San Francisco [3]

Cantaloupe has more nutritional value than many other fruits. You should try to enjoy it.

:-)

opportunity to change everything. (right here, start a new paragraph.)

Suddenly I had some teachers that were gay, others that were radical activists, and every single one inspirational.

My relationships now -- with my friends, teachers and even family -- have more colors than the rainbow; my old universe of answerable questions now seems boring and limited, and my world no longer has a size, only potential.---->That is how I would make this sentence more manageable.

Undergraduate / Shocked into rethinking taking things for granted- UC Prompt [4]

...but promised the little boy was safe. (right here, do a paragraph break)

Start a new paragraph with:

That afternoon, my friend was complaining about how stupid her parents were; they had grounded her because her grades were -- lets just say, "not great." I felt like yelling at her, "Did you know some kids...

We asked him if he could talk to his dad, maybe sit down with his parents and have a little intervention. might be better without this part.

Undergraduate / Essay about my life - Common app essay [7]

You seem to have the right idea, here, helping one another. Thanks, this is great collaboration.

My family's past had been nomadic, but I never thought that I would experience such large changes in my own life.

At the end of this first para, you could do something much better, much sharper, than "shaped me."

In this essay I will talk about these experiences, and how they instilled in me an appreciation for (name of field you are going to study).----saying something about this process of education and becoming a professional is a good technique.

I don't think ukulele should be capitalized..

Oh, too much of it is vague! My past experiences have narrowed my interests, and helped me understand the areas that I want to build upon. ---say what those interests zoomed in on. What is your focus right now? Even if you are not sure, get passionate about something specific.

The way I learned how to connect to others in England and India will help tremendously in connecting with students, professors, and contributing to a great college community. ----That is pretty good, but it would be better if you referred to specific methods of harmonizing with others.

I feel that I am at the perfect place right now, and know exactly what I want from my future years in college. ----what? talk about specific research interests...

Now, when I ask myself "What do you think will happen to you in the next five years?" I only smile, and know that I am ready for anything."----I like this ending, but I think it should say "What do you think will happen as you study (names of subjects that fascinate you)"

:-)

Undergraduate / An artist's hands - UC Essay [17]

This sentence can be managed with dashes:
pushing me to quit Guard -- asserting that it was just a hobby while harp could become a career -- and my...

But with seventeen hours of Guard practice each week, harp lessons, and other extracurricular activities, I became...

The thing to do is go help some other people by giving them ideas, and then ask link them to your essay and ask for help. Use "Unanswered"... you write so well! check out the EF_Contributor page...

Undergraduate / Actuary - ctive person, sport - Statement of purpose (why they must choose me) [3]

Adjectives weaken sentences: Many people all over the world dream of heavenly love, incredible richness or gorgeous glory.

And actually, that whole sentence is a statement of the obvious. It's not good to begin with a statement of the obvious, because it makes the reader start to skim through quickly.

I think it might be good if you delete the first few sentences, and start with this sentence:
To be a leader, taking responsibilities and risks, requires me to earn the trust of my classmates. trust me to lead them. I respect their trust by ...

If you start there, it will be better.

I have already made my decision about who I want to be and how I will become the person I want to be. My interest of study lies in field of Actuarial Science. ----excellent!!

Undergraduate / Intellectual, athletic, cultural, social interests apart from medicine [6]

This is an opportunity to recreate yourself. Think of all the values you cherish, the issues about which you are very opinionated and passionate... and think of how your interests reflect those passions. Let this be an essay about an aspiring physician whose kaleidoscope of interests reflect deeply valued personal principles... let the essay begin with a sentence about something you stand for.

Don't write about movies or wine and cheese gatherings.

:-)

Student Talk / Common app - I only 150 words, but a minimum was 250. [16]

Yes, a phone call and a fax! That sounds right. And if the school has not time to help you, maybe it is not the right school.

Undergraduate / Cloudhouse - another essay for Common app Topic of my choice [5]

Depends if the reader is deep enough to appreciate you. Maybe the reader is judgmental. I think you can never be sure you will appeal to the people to whom you're trying to appeal, so instead just be yourself and trust in the Great Eternal Whatnot.

Maybe you don't want to go to a school that can't appreciate an inspired piece of writing; use this to weed out the bad schools...

:)

Writing Feedback / IS BEOWULF TRULY A HERO? [3]

Maybe repeatedly is better than profusely here.

That first para could be more gender-inclusive... women have been recognized as heroes throughout history, even as patriarchy oppressed them.

I think you made an interesting observation here, about modern heroes being "selfless." Very interesting.

You make a lot of sense in this essay. It will be clearer to understand if you add a sentence to the end of that first paragraph--the thesis statement: Beowulf may have acted in ways that were not so heroic, but he should be recognized as a hero because of...

Graduate / Personal Statement for Law School Admissions-Why I want to go to law school [10]

You know, there is a technique used in hypnosis called "age regression," and it involves saying something to the subconscious mind that reminds it of childhood. I think you might hypnotize the reader a little with that first line: Walking into my childhood room ... wonder...

That is powerful!

Look up hypnosis age regression

Writing Feedback / An Indian milieu [12]


Do you mean almost an accepted earth ethnicity?

What the heck is all this?! Ha ha, at first I thought, oh, I had better not spend time on this today because there is a lot of work to do, but then I was intrigued and had to read it a second time. I think part of your metaphor escapes me!