Scholarship / Networking has been one skill I adopt daily in my career. Chevening scholarship essay [3]

Ugwu, you are a single clinical pharmacist, pharmacists is the plural form of the word. Correct it. Also, the phrase is "All walks of life" not "All works of life". Reference the date, location, and topic of the seminar you attended. Explain who the other attendees were and whose contacts you specifically used in your line of work. Fully depict one instance when you had to use your network due to a situation at your office. Which contact did you use and why? What was the outcome? In addition to that, explain one time when a contact of yours required your network to achieve a solution to his situation. How did you handle it and through what professional network of yours?

The phrase "Severally at work" does not make any sense. Did you mean to say "Similarly at work" instead? Drop the reference to the fellowship program. Since this is academic in nature and you do not have a professional reference to make of it in terms of your network, you should not be presenting that information in this essay.

Making these corrections should help you attain a better directed second draft version of your essay.

Writing Feedback / CBEST: The Contribution Technology Has Made to Modern Life Has Been Positive [2]

Jane, while you are doing your practice tests, you can use a thesaurus to vary your word choices. This is the listing of synonyms or words that are different in presentation but have the same meaning. If you had used a thesaurus then you would have known that the variation of the word technology includes automation and machinery, to name a few. You could have also said technical knowledge, scientific knowledge, or scientific know-how. There are various other words that you could have used, depending upon the meaning or topic of your sentence.

Now, the main problem that I see with this essay is that the prompt asks you to complete a direct action; "State your position on this issue and support it with appropriate examples." Rather than stating a direct position using the first person pronoun "I", you instead say "it is assumed." which begs the reader to ask "Who is making this assumption?" Hence the creation of a mistaken response in relation to the given instruction. The correct response would have been "Therefore, I believe that technology has made modern life more positive."

Your reasoning is acceptable enough but the use of the term "ancestors" is out of place. Ancestors are a person, typically one more remote than a grandparent, from whom one is descended. I think the more appropriate term would have been "inventors" since the air-conditioner is a modern invention of someone unrelated to you.

It is because of your imprecise details, simplistic reasoning, and problems with word choice that I do not think you can score more than a 2 with this type of CBEST presentation.

Scholarship / A Childhood Dream - KGSP Undergraduate 2019 Personal Statement [2]

Axel, there are only 2 points in this essay that are bogging it down in terms of presentation excellence. The opening paragraph, the reference to when you were 8 years sounds totally unbelievable to me. Which means the reviewer will also recognize this as an exaggeration since a child of 8 will not have idea about business, what it means, and how it functions. Remove that exaggeration and open instead on a direct to the point statement starting with the family background.

You should also remove the reference to your first exposure to Korea as this is not part of the prompt requirement. Do not include information that is not located in the prompt because the essay is a written interview. So you should only respond to questions being asked. Adding information about Korea may sound right to you, but does not fit into the overall narrative that your response essay has to fit into.

About your educational experience at Beacon Academy, your work ethic as a student is truly admirable but lacks a punch. It does not stand out because you are not referring to any notable accomplishments during this time. You need to present something to make this move pop on the page. It could be academic awards or extracurricular recognitions, anything that shows how you improved as a student during this move and that you have some marked academic skills that the reviewer should take note of. With regards to your Top 5 Class Rankings, please clarify if this is only within your classroom or an overall ranking for the whole class level.

Your essay ends too abruptly, you need to present a striking paragraph in the end. I think you can present the motivation for your desire to become a businessperson based on your stated experiences or something along those lines. It just feels open ended at the moment which is a good thing since this is still a work in progress for you. You may also want to consider shortening your paragraphs a bit. They are too long at the moment and really becomes a bit boring to read by the time you read the 3rd paragraph. Try to keep your essay paragraphs short and on point. Don't be too creative. Instead, be direct to the point at all times. That way you can hold the interest of the reviewer.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing 2 - Environment protection, the job for individual or the government? [2]

Believe it or not, if not for the problematic sentence structures in your essay, you actually managed to develop a highly logical explanation for the discussion. You would have scored well in the TA section but had a problem with the GRA, C&C, and LR sections of the score. This is a marked improvement from your previous essay earlier today. You showed an understanding of the prompt which helped you to explain yourself in an understandable manner.

You need to brush up on your plural word usage skills. When you use the word "are" in a sentence, then the word it describes need to be in plural form. Therefore the phrase should be "individuals are". Since you started the discussion in plural form, the rest of the discussion should follow the same presentation. That means the term should be "others" instead of "other".

The length of your essay will prove to be trying in an actual test. So you need to focus on shortening your presentation by avoiding superfluous presentations in each paragraph. Try to stick to the following format:

1. Topic sentence
2. Reason
3. Explanation or example
4. Transition sentence

These are the only information you need to present per paragraph. So you can easily use a 3 sentence minimum for your presentations. Do not over discuss the topic per paragraph. That is why you write too much and lose track of time.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing 2 - is celebration vital? Are people spend too much on it? [5]

@smally01 do not separate the discussion about the event from the amount spent on it. Those two discussions go hand in hand in your presentation. For example, when you say that the grandfather has a birthday that is spent on extravagantly, you can explain that it is a milestone birthday for the elderly such as the grandfather turning 75 or 80 years old. The family decides to spend lavishly because they want to have a very good memory of the occasion and also show respect to the elders. Then you can discuss why you think spending on similar events such as weddings and anniversaries are an extreme expense that people spend (not waste) too much money on. You lack the reasons as to why these are unreasonable expenses. All you did was explain how these become expensive reunions. Which runs counter to the question being asked in the prompt.

Research Papers / A university education makes people more moral, intellectual or rational. Agree or disagree. Reasons [5]

Chinh, you have a tremendous vocabulary problem when it comes to the English language. You do not understand the meaning of the words which is why your overall discussion is incorrect. Let me refer you to the meaning of each word in order to clarify my statement that you do not understand the word meaning for each prompt keyword:

Moral - concerned with the principles or rules of right conduct or the distinction between right and wrong

Intellectual - a person who engages in critical thinking, research, and reflection about society and proposes solutions for its normative problems.

Rational - agreeable to reason; reasonable; sensible:

Sometimes, you get the meaning partially right in your explanation. You were partially correct when you discussed morals as a requirement for people to become "ethical". You see "ethics" describes moral principles that govern a person's behavior or the conducting of an activity. "Ethical" is defined as avoiding activities or organizations that do harm to people or the environment. A moral person is therefore and ethical, not ethic person. BTW, in relation to this, the subject is Physics, not physic.

Your discussion regarding a university student being "intellectual" was definitely not aligned with the meaning of the word. How exactly does a person become an intellectual through university studies? Through the development of his critical thinking abilities.

Finally, about the term "rational", you just took a wild guess about the meaning of the word and then wrote about it. You were nowhere near the proper explanation in your supporting statement for that term.

You need to brush up on your English vocabulary in order to properly write these essays. You also lack knowledge as to how and when to use connecting words and when a word requires the letter s at the end of it in order to present a completed action such as "thanks to the moral lectures..." The only advise that I can think of giving you is for you to immerse yourself more in the world of the English language.

Watch more English shows, with subtitles on so that you can see how the sentences are properly formed. Read more English materials as well, specifically, a dictionary so that you can understand the word meaning instead of just memorizing the word. This will also help you learn the tense versions of the words as the meaning progresses in the dictionary as the tense usage changes. You can also do more English online exercises with regards to that problem of yours.

Scholarship / Being in a leadership position in Nigeria and to fight diseases [3]

Ugwu, you do not need several examples of leadership and influencing. You need only one effective example of these traits. So the last 2 examples regarding handling pharmacists and as a senior staff should be removed from the essay. These are two weak examples because you did mostly paperwork and backroom activities that do not really require strong leadership and influencing skills. However, the community service that you did is tremendously relevant and applicable to the requirements of the prompt.

Expand the discussion to cover the method by which you led the team to develop the door sensitization campaign. What obstacles did the program face at the start and how did you overcome it? For example, did you have uncooperative team members? Or perhaps community members who did not wish to participate in the program? How did you use your influencing skills to change their minds, promote the program, and lead the team towards its successful implementation?

As the prompt explains, you need to offer evidence of how you embody leadership and influencing traits. Based on what you have written, it is the Delta Action Committee participation as a member of the NYSC that best fits the prompt requirements. That is why you have to focus on polishing that aspect of your volunteer service rather than presenting weak leadership skills in the hopes of strengthening your essay. Use the strongest aspect of your application and drive that point home. It has the potential to prove your leadership and ability skills so don't confuse the presentation.

In order to be a strong candidate, you need to make sure that you present your strongest leadership and influencing aspects. When you write 2 additional weak leadership and influencing examples, it negates the strong opening example that you gave. That is why the focus should be on no more than 500 words that strengthen your community service skills in relation to the HIV/AIDS program.

Writing Feedback / Aging population is good or bad for society (Let task 2) [4]

Chinh, your essay veers off the discussion points towards the end of the essay. What do domestic workers have to do with the issue being discussed? Stick the main discussion points which are whether or not it is good for a society to have fewer younger people and more older people. The problem, is that you do not fully discuss each reason per paragraph and sometimes, your sentence structure tends to confuse the reader.

Another time that your discussion doesn't really flow well is when you discuss the economy. Why will the economy grow more slowly if there are more older people? This is the part where you discussed the domestic workers in the country. That is an irrelevant discussion because that does not relate to the discussion of one generation being lesser than the other.

You are also confusing retirement benefits with welfare. Welfare is paid out to people who are not working. Pensions are retirement allowances given to the elderly who have worked for a period of time. The government is the one in charge of the pensions, just as they are in charge of welfare. However, welfare and pensions are two separate things that have nothing to do with the tax that was paid to the government.

There is an obvious lack of understanding of the given prompt on your part. You are not properly discussing the prompt because your reasoning is not very relevant to the topic and tends to confuse the reader who may be more informed that you are about the given topic. So the tendency is for your explanation to be incomplete, uninformed, and not really convincing in relation to the discussion.

Writing Feedback / CBEST: How Did The Rejection Affect You? Bank credit refusal. [3]

Hi Jane, I believe that you managed to write a level 3 essay here. Your narrative is related to the task assigned and your explanation is clear. Although there are several language problems in terms of vocabulary and sentence structure, these mistakes did not affect your overall presentation. As such, you were able to develop an essay which the reader could easily understand.

You need to engage yourself in more sentence structure development exercises. I can see that you have the potential to write at an almost native speaker level. The only problem is that you are not yet well versed in the typical English sentence structures and proper vocabulary usage. These are minor problems that can be easily remedied by your continued essay writing and language exercises.

Since this prompt was based on a personal story, I expected you to do a good job with this essay. Now I am eager to read about how you will handle the other type of CBEST essay, the one that doesn't rely on personal experience for the discussion. I hope you can post one like it soon. I am looking forward to helping you with it.

Scholarship / This is my essay of leadership and influencing for scholarship. Kindly comment on it [3]

Rida, you absolutely cannot use academic references for your leadership and influencing essay. That is a tremendously weak basis for presentation when compared to the other applicants who are department heads, team leaders, supervisors, managers, company vice presidents, company presidents, CEO's, and in some cases, business owners. These are the people whom you are up against for the scholarship consideration. They are people whose professional lives have been built upon the development of their leadership and influencing styles. Something that you sorely lack in comparison based upon this presentation.

Kindly write a new essay. One that focuses on your professional leadership and influencing skills because that is what the focus of Chevening is on. If you do not have professional skills to speak of, then you may use any volunteer opportunities that you have had within the community. What is important is that you show a sense of professional leadership and influencing abilities. You are being looked at as a potential Chevening leader. That means, you need to know how to lead on a complicated or intricate basis. Your influencing skills need to be able to show how you handle stressful situations. Not just controlled situations at school or in school related extracurricular activities.

Read the examples of the Chevening essays here. We have more than several successful applicants whose leadership and influencing essays you can learn from. I suggest that you read their essays and try to find a way to pattern your own essay after theirs. I guarantee that if you can do that, you will have an essay that will work with your application.

Writing Feedback / [GRE : Argument] Adams Realty or Fitch Realty - which from those real estates companies are better? [3]

Nuradia, I think that the highest this essay can score is a 3 based on several reasons. The first is that although you present the reasons why the discussion is flawed, your reasoning is not strong enough to support your argument. For example you said:


- What charges are these? Since Fitch and Adams are real estate companies, there ar eno manufacturing costs on their part since they are selling RFO or ready for occupancy homes. The homes are already built by someone else. They are just selling it.


- You based your assumption upon what reason? Remember, the best way to argue this is by presenting your own knowledge of the discussion topic. Since the agents work on commission aside from a salary, you have not really convincingly discussed this issue.

There are several other samples throughout the essay that show how your assessment of the data is incomplete. Remember, in the GRE essay, you should be able to assume the opposing argument and argue against it through valid reasoning, assumptions, and practical evidence. In this instance, your discussion is just as weak as the original letter being presented.

Scholarship / Incident with a mobile phone showed my leadership skills - Chevening essay [2]

Rubana, this is a very effective leadership essay. However, it does not reflect greatly on your influencing style. While your leadership did lead to the apprehension of the burglar, the events that led to it wasn't really reflective of a leadership and influencing style. That is because the employees readily agreed to be inspected because they wanted to clear their names and not be suspects in the crime. That has nothing to do with your leadership nor your influencing skills. It had more to do with the fact that the people did not want to be seen as criminals by their peers, nor did they want to suspect one another from that point on every time something similar happened in their workplace. Sure you took up the leadership cudgels by instigating the voluntary inspection. You should be admired for that. The problem is, that wasn't leadership in the sense that Chevening is looking for.

What you showcased here was a leadership based on a strong personality but no influencing style due to the reasons I stated above. The Chevening scholarship committee is not looking to draft a police officer or a law enforcer. They are looking to sponsor a person who has true leadership and influencing abilities in line with the scholarship mission, objectives, and goals. Elements that you made light of at the end of your essay by indicating that you do not believe that those are as important as it should be.

While I believe that you can use this essay to portray leadership skills, it does not carry the weight of proper influencing traits due to the reasons I mentioned. So this narrative doesn't gel well with the requirements of the prompt. At least in my opinion. The leadership and influencing skills should not deviate from what they are looking for in a workplace leader and influencer. That is because the leadership and influencing skills you portray must be supportive of your networking style in the next essay. So the essay needs to be work related instead of workplace incident related.

Of course I cannot influence your decision to use this essay as if you wish to do that. Should you decide that you want to use this essay, you need to build up an influencing presentation in it that veers away from the obvious factors that led to the cooperation of your workmates. One that shows how you had to influence them into submitting for inspection when they did not want to do so. Only then will this essay be a little bit aligned with the Chevening leadership and influencing essay requirements.

Undergraduate / 'Whatever we had missed, we possessed together the precious, the incommunicable past.' [2]

Gatik, what was it that your mother did which emancipated you from your father's brothers? How did this show her strength and what lesson in perseverance did you learn from it? Somehow, I feel like this essay focuses too much on your mother and not enough on your direct relationship with the quotation you chose for this essay. Since this is a quotation essay that should help the reviewer get to know an aspect of your personality or character trait not addressed in the other prompts, I do not believe that the focus on your mother should be so great in the essay. You may refer to the experience and how she got the family out of the dire situation but focus more on your opinion of your mother, in relation to the quote and how her actions are reflected in your personality today.

Truth be told, your mental awakening reference in the essay is almost non-existent because it focused too much on the backstory of your family and your mother. It would be better to summarize the events into a single paragraph so that the rest of the essay can tell the story of your mental awakening along the lines of the quotation you chose instead.

Writing Feedback / Students are more likely to be successful in their life if they continue their studies - IETLS topic [5]

Jerry, since you are preparing for a general writing test in school. I do not suggest that you use IELTS topics for practice. That is because the IELTS test requires a different writing format from an ordinary essay test. The more appropriate prompts to use in your case would be TOEFL prompts instead because those do not have the same stringent requirements as the IELTS test does. It will be unfair to review your work based on review mechanisms not suited for the exam you will be taking. You can actually use any ordinary classroom essay prompt available online for your practice. Don't use IELTS prompts because it will be difficult for you to attain the requirements. Specially when you do not really need to meet such stringent writing requirements for your test.

Based on the discussion instructions you were given, you did not discuss both points of view plus your opinion. Thus, in an actual IELTS test, this may not receive a passing score based on several other problems in your essay. However, for an ordinary essay writing test in English, your mistakes might be overlooked and your score may be a good one because your thoughts were clear in the essay. That is why I do not want you to practice using the IELTS prompts. It will be difficult to consider your essay writing requirements when the test prompt you are using has specific requirements that are highly different from your simple writing assessment needs.

Writing Feedback / A complain letter about poor service, problem with ordered food, steps to satisfy your needs [2]

Han, this letter does not appropriately express the situation that led to your dissatisfaction with the food service. You see, when you make a reservation at a restaurant, that only assures you of a place or table assignment upon your arrival. It does not have anything to do with the way the food was prepared. However, if you called in your reservation with a food order in advance, then the food should have been served immediately upon your arrival.

Regarding the food quality, aside from saying the soup was sour and cold, you should have indicated a familiarity with the food order by describing how your order is normally served at other restaurants. What is the taste of the soup that you normally eat? What flavor were you expecting? That comparison sentence would have proven that you were indeed served a bad bowl of soup. The way you described it, you should have indicated that the soup was "spoiled" or not fit for eating.

As for the staff member, the letter should have indicated what unsatisfactory solution the staff member offered if at all after taking your soup from the table. That would have satisfied the requirement for requiring compensation in your letter.

Your closing statement is too harsh for a complaint letter. You must indicate an openness to a discussion and a satisfactory resolution for both parties. Don't demand compensation. Instead, offer to discuss avenues of resolution with the manager and give your contact details. That is how a proper complaint letter is formed.

Undergraduate / Education - the key to freedom. An attempt to write Statement of Purpose essay for UT [4]

Callie, this essay is a personal statement that does not explain the circumstances that led to your decision to transfer to UT-Austin. A statement of purpose for transfer needs to be based on the reasons that you feel you have reached the end of academic excellence at your current university and then the reasons why you feel that UT-Austin will help take your educational direction even further or in some case, in a new direction.

The reviewer will not be interested in your educational background till high school. Neither is he interested to know what your father has to say about education or reading. The focal point of the transfer essay is to show that you have reached an educational maturity at your current university that requires more advanced training in your field of interest. There is nothing in this essay that indicates that explanation. That means that this essay does not serve the purpose it was written for. You will need to delete this essay and write a totally new one that focuses on a discussion of your educational journey instead.

The educational journey should include a clear discussion of your academic objectives and your professional goals as you see it being further enhanced by the teaching system at UT-Austin. You must also indicate an appreciation for what you have learned at your current university and why you feel that this university has given you the foundation with which you can further increase your academic capacity and abilities as a student at UT-Austin.

Writing Feedback / CBEST Writing: The rapidly increasing prices have the biggest impact on low-paid people [3]

Jane, since you did not provide a proper prompt statement for this essay, it is impossible to assess your work based on CBEST guidelines. Your very long explanation became useless because I could not connect your explanation with your writing difficulties because of the lack of comparison basis. Regardless, the more obvious problems that exist in your essay presentation still struck me.

The first problem is that you could not clearly explain what the original prompt is about. Which leads me to believe that you have a weakness when it comes to English comprehension skills and vocabulary usage. You do not have the ability to explain an English text that has various complexities attached to it. The best way for you to address this problem is by practicing to paraphrase English instructions without a particular topic yet. In fact, you can take any English worded reading material and just explain what you understood either about the whole article or just a passage. Post your explanation here for assessment and be on your way towards improving your paraphrasing skills.

You need to be familiar with English writing rules as well. Please note that you have capitalized words in the essay which should have been written in lower case letters based on its general presentation. These are not sentence starting words nor nouns so they need not be capitalized in the presentation.

Do not present questions in your CBEST essay. You are supposed to be discussing a certain topic in this instance. By presenting a question that may or may not directly relate to the topic, you are changing the slant of the discussion and as such, changing the overall content and meaning of the presentation.

I believe that it would be best for me to stop with my review of your work at this point because I am uncertain about certain aspects of the discussion due to the lack of the prompt. Please remember to post the prompt with your CBEST response essay the next time you post an essay for review here so that you can get a more appropriate and relevant assessment of your presentation.

Scholarship / My networking skills has helped me get to this height in my career. Chevening scholarship [2]

Ugwu, there is no need to define the meaning of networking to the reviewer. He is not interested in the definition of the word because he is more interested to learn about how you develop your network, how you use your network, and how that network can help the Chevening scholars in general. Unfortunately, your networking skills do not go beyond your college days, internship days, and your national service participation. Although these are actual networks, these are not the sort of professional networks that can help you win the scholarship.

The majority of the applicants to Chevening are highly skilled professionals whose network of contacts span both their professional and social circles. Both of which combine to help them achieve professional advancements within their respective careers. These are the networks that Chevening looks for in an applicant. Professionals who have attended both local and international conferences and can prove the effectivity of their networks through job related scenarios. Either through a problem solving instance at work or through a type of career advancement supported by the networking experience of the person.

Therefore, you cannot use any part of this essay for your application. You are applying for a scholarship to support your advanced studies in either a masters or doctorate course. Therefore, you are expected to have grown career-wise by this point. That means you have attended notable conferences, seminars, or meetings wherein you were able to grow your professional crowd so that it becomes easier for you to solve professional dilemmas. There is no evidence of that in your essay. This essay could only be useful is you were applying for a scholarship to a secondary college degree. Not for an advanced studies degree.

There are quite a number of Chevening networking essay samples to be found at this forum. Read those samples to learn about what networking credentials work for this type of application. Change your essay to be similar to those. This essay, while containing a reference to networking, just doesn't deliver the kind of network that Chevening will be impressed with. Don't forget to reference how the scholarship foundation will benefit from your professional network in your revised essay. That is an important aspect of the networking essay that you skipped mentioning in this version.

Writing Feedback / The line graph illustrates figures for global meetings in three different capital cities 1980-2010 [2]

Nguyen, I do not think that you wrote this essay under time pressure practice settings. That is because you wrote 232 words, which is an unrealistic number of words to write within 20 minutes. You can only write between 150-200 words in the actual test setting. You need to learn to compress your statements within your paragraphs. Use less descriptive words and more factual references.

Work on your opening summary. Make sure you always include the overview of the information you will be presenting to the reader so that there will be a clear indication of discussion points and presentation areas. That includes a presentation of the cities for comparison as these complete the summary overview information list. It also tells the reader when to expect that particular discussion in the essay.

Since this is a comparative analysis essay, you should have indicated that the 3 cities hosted the same number of conferences in 2009. There is a part of the graph where there were 3 intersecting points representing the 3 cities. That means that these cities all hosted 25 conferences each during this period. This is the type of deep analysis of an image that can help to boost your scores as opposed to repetitively presenting information.

You did a good job in dividing the presentation into year brackets. However, you should have clearly indicated the bracket in the third paragraph so that the reader would have been clear about what information is being presented. Be uniform in your presentation. Since you mentioned that the years for discussion in 2005 extended to 2010, then you should have done the same for the previous paragraph also.

Writing Feedback / Do you agree as computers translate quickly and accurately, learning languages is a waste of time? [4]

Hoa, your essay has a totally confusing reference that does not make sense to the reader. If you want to make sure that the reader understands what you have to say, then you have to be sure that every sentence makes sense. Not all of your sentences have clear subjects so it comes across as a hanging sentence instead. Where did you make these mistakes?

Your title alone doesn't make any sense. Are you saying that the computer cannot help a person learn to speak a foreign language because the computer is not taught the language? Actually, the computer is programmed to teach the language so in essence, the computer does learn the language.

In the second paragraph, you said "We should not computer based." Computer based what? What is the subject of this sentence? The verb is not describing anything in this reference. The last line, what do you mean by "what if we do not bring computers along with?". Again, the problem with the subject in the sentence. These sentences do not make sense. There is no meaning to it. It does not relay any information. Therefore, you need to focus on improving your sentence presentations with regards to structuring it with proper subjects.

Research Papers / Researching expanding of life expectancy - paper [3]

Hi Jerry, I am sorry to say this but your essay response doesn't make too much sense to a native English speaker / reader. Your sentence structure probably makes sense when written or spoken in your native tongue. However, the sentence structure becomes confusing and less understandable when written in the same form in English. I am afraid that your essay response suffered tremendously in terms of C&C as well as GRA considerations because of the problems with your language fluency and sentence structure. The overall essay is distressing to read because the sentences seem to be lacking in terms of information or topics. You have a problem with presenting the subject of each sentence and that has led to an essay that causes problems with the reader.

In addition to those problems, you also have the problem with how you paraphrased the original prompt. Since this is a direct question essay that asks you to respond to 2 questions, the last 2 sentences of the prompt paraphrase should have indicated the topics for discussion in your response. You should have told the reader what problem will be caused by the longer life expectancy and also, what measures you suggest in order to curb these effects. It should not be implied but rather stated as a part of the prompt paraphrase since that will also serve as the outline of your discussion. This outline can then help you to better address the prompt discussions in the body of your essay.

Practice using the English language more in terms of thinking, speaking, and writing modes. That way you will lose the transliteration problem that you currently have with regards to English language use. Transliteration means you are thinking in your language and then translating it to English by simply looking for word equivalents without considering its meaning or its word usage / vocabulary meaning. When you use the wrong English equivalent word for your native word, you end up with a confusing and senseless sentence presentation or structure. Which is exactly what happened in this essay presentation of yours.

Writing Feedback / Before entering college many young people are advised that a year working or traveling is good thing [3]

Hana, the most glaring problem that struck me when I reviewed your essay was your inability to properly write in lower and uppercase letters. If you notice, you are using capitalized words in the middle of your sentences even when these words are not proper nouns. Only proper nouns and the pronoun "I" is always capitalized when used in sentences. Connecting words such as "and" are never capitalized. The rules are fairly simple to remember, if the word starts a sentence, it is capitalized. If it is a proper noun, it is capitalized. There are no other times when the word needs to be capitalized.

While your grammar is not perfect, it is acceptable enough for your first try. Although the written word needs work in terms of proper sentence structure and grammar use, it is still understandable to most readers. You should work on creating a more proper English sentence structure when you do your next practice test. Maybe do more grammar exercises during your spare time so that you can practice English sentence writing without having to think about the prompt requirements as you have to do during the practice essay tests.

Now, the essay uses the plural form of the words advantages and disadvantages, so you need to present at least 2 connected reasons in a single paragraph which uses proper transition sentences or phrased within the paragraph in order to create a coherent and cohesive presentation. You are being tested regarding your fluidity of thought and English writing in this instance and unfortunately, your essay did not deliver the required aspects.

You are missing a concluding paragraph here. You only have a personal opinion presented at the end of the essay, which does not qualify as a closing paragraph. A closing paragraph is always different from a personal opinion because the function of that paragraph is to remind the reader about the topic for discussion and discussion points. Without that the essay is considered open ended and could receive a lower score in terms of GRA considerations because of it.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: How to promote equality of opportunity for men and women in the workplace? [5]

@ptnlytqnho as a matter of policy, contributors refrain from scoring the first essay of a first time user of this forum. That is because the first essay tends to be problematic and not very good. I will first offer you an observation of your work and its problem points and how to fix it. After that, you have a chance to fix your mistakes by addressing these in your next practice essay, which I will then score. So, here we go...

You did a relatively good job with the opening paraphrase, It is different enough from the original prompt to qualify as a rendition of the topic and discussion instructions in your own understanding. However, there are instances when your statements could be clearer in order to create a clearer presentation of your statement.

This is a direct response essay based on only one point of view. While your reasoning is sound in support of your stance, you made an error in the presentation because you added a contradiction statement at the end of your body paragraphs. It is not the job of the direct question essay to discuss the topic in a comparative manner. That is done in a comparison essay. Your direct discussion essay should focus only on strengthening your stance or your side of the discussion, regardless of any possible contradictions or questions that could be posed about your argument.

Your closing statement isn't really a good closing summary because you did not properly summarize the previous discussion as part of the closing remarks. So that is another negative aspect of your writing. The summary of the discussion is always used in the concluding paragraph in order to drive home your discussion points and reiterate your point of view. Since you cannot continue to explain the topic in the concluding paragraph, it is always recommended that you do not present any new ideas that will need further discussion in that paragraph.

Writing Feedback / To understand the most important characteristics of a society, one must study its major cities. [3]

Nuradia, you have a lack of control when it comes to using the English language during your presentation. You need to familiarize yourself more with the general descriptive words that are used in the English language so that you do not use unnecessary markings such as backslashes (e.g. government / king / queen) when a simple term such as "the seat of power" would have sufficed.

There is also a lack of clarity in your discussion because, all the while, I thought you were agreeing with the statement based on the majority of your discussion presentation. Then it turns out that you were not in agreement with the discussion provided. Your essay should have focused on that opinion because that is your personal opinion that disagrees with the given statement. This is not a comparative essay. This is a direct personal opinion discussion based on the prompt you were provided.

What you should have done was relate your actual opinion and then, thought of the contradictions to your belief that you could have countered in the discussion. The point of this essay is to debate yourself. Look for the loopholes in your discussion and then defend it. Doing so would have boosted your score to a 5. Right now, you are between a 3 and 4 due to the problems that are present in your discussion and presentation.

Undergraduate / KGSP Undergraduate Applications Personal Statement - Born to be a Filmmaker [3]

Louie, you only addressed 2 aspects of the overall prompt. The overall essay is perfect in terms of responding to :

1. Motivations with which you apply for this program
2. Significant experiences you have had
3. Extracurricular activities such as club activities, community service activities or work experiences

You do not respond in any way to the rest of the required prompt elements which are:
1. Family and Education background
2. Risks you have taken (in pursuit of your ambition)
3. describe awards you have received, publications you have made, or skills you have acquired, etc. (This will prove your seriousness with regards to your application and your potential as a filmmaker in the future)

Don't get me wrong, you have written a good motivational statement. This just isn't the only information that the reviewer wants to know about you. You totally skipped out on explaining the other required prompt information which made this essay less responsive to the prompt. You provided only information you wanted to convey to the reviewer. He needs to know more than that. That is why you have the prompt guidelines to use in developing the paper.

Overall, you can use some elements of this paper in the revised version. I stated which parts you can keep above. For the rest of the essay, I am afraid you will have to delete the remaining parts and replace those with direct discussions of the prompt elements that you failed to address the first time around. Refer to the list of the necessary data that you failed to mention above as well.

Writing Feedback / High school graduates are encouraged to start working or traveling rather than entering University [5]

Hi Fuad, I was given special permission to come back and respond to your questions. Your reasoning is good. It shows an understanding of the prompt requirements. However, you constantly refer to your personal opinion with the word "I" when, as I told you this was not required in the essay. So references to general discussions are more appropriate such as "people, others, groups, individuals" and other similar terms.

You also have a punctuation problem use. You are constantly using commas throughout the essay when periods are required to show a separation of ideas. I realize that you may have done that in order to get around the maximum sentence requirement but it worked against your essay because it made it difficult to read and remember what you are saying. Keep your essay short and to the point. Avoid using word fillers such as "What I mean to show is.." You don't need to constantly refer to yourself. Refer instead to the actual reason for the sentence in the quickest possible manner. You can read examples of how to accomplish that throughout this forum.

Practice writing short but meaningful sentences. The best way I can think of for you to do this while you are practicing if by having you write no more than 250 words for the task 2 essays. That is the minimum word count. When you can write 250 words and still come across clearly to the reader then you have learned how to write in the expected manner for this type of test. You may write as much as 275 words but no more than that. I hope you can practice writing your essays in this manner for the time being. Focus on simple content and even simpler explanations in order to not overwrite and create confusing essay presentations.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1: A plan for changes to a school site over 20 years. [2]

Moon, you did a good job in discussing the changes that will be forthcoming to the school. Even your trending statement regarding the increase in student population was well placed and developed in the presentation. However, you forgot to do one important thing. Before you can do a comparative analysis of the images, you first need to indicate what the original look of the school is. You need to explain what the original plan of the school was before you can explain why it became important to make the changes to the set up.

Also, remember how I always remind you that when figures are indicated in the image, you have to use the actual data in the overview summary? Exactly. It isn't 20 years later it is "changes to be made in 2024". Don't make the reader guess. That is not how an analytical report is done. I found myself having to stop reading to compute 20 years later. By the time I had computed it, I had lost my place in the text and had to start over. That is called reader stress and can cause a lowering of your GRA score. You should have said 2024 in the summary overview and then used the "twenty years later" in the trending statement since you already told the reviewer when this would be taking place. The actual date will be remembered before you say twenty years later. Making it easier for the reader to analyze the date reference you are presenting.

Writing Feedback / MY random writing to improve writing mainly Grammar and sentence structure [2]

Sunii, as far as creative writing goes, this is a pretty decent written presentation. I can feel your heart in the words that you wrote and the pain that you felt during those instances of heartbreak. Regardless of the grammar mistakes, your imagination comes through clearly, and your message is heartfelt. You do not have a problem when it comes to expressing yourself in this essay. You do have a problem when it comes to sentence structure and connecting word usage.

One example of a problem in your writing can be seen in this quote:


- The proper sentence structure for this is: I mean to say both her inner and outer beauty. There is no need to say "I am here" because, as the writer, your presence is already granted by default.


- It would have been better to say "This relationship is part of my devastated past" or "This relationship devastated me"

Now, when you mention culturally specific instances such as the game of Antakshari, you need to remind yourself that the reader may not be familiar with the game or term so you need to present it in a manner that helps the reader understand the relevance of the game to the situation or merely explain the game to the reader.

There are several other grammar problems, sentence structure problems, and references that need to be corrected here but I can't do it all for you. However, I have pointed out one sample of each problem that you need to pay attention to the next time you write. I strongly suggest that you type your next essay using he latest version of MS Word as this software includes immediate grammar correction and sentence structuring advice which can help you create better essays by correcting your mistakes and teaching you about the grammar and sentence structure rules at the same time.

Writing Feedback / High school graduates are encouraged to start working or traveling rather than entering University [5]

Abdul, the original instructions for this essay is not asking for your personal opinion. Neither does it ask you to come to a conclusion. It only asks that you state a few interconnected advantages and disadvantages to students taking a gap year before college. There is a misunderstanding of the prompt on your part which created a prompt deviation which might in turn, have a negative effect on your final score since you discussed something that was not included in the original prompt.

You may want to try dividing your opening paragraph into a few sentences instead of trying to compress all of the thoughts from the original prompt into one sentence. I makes it difficult to follow the discussion you are trying to present. By presenting short but informative sentences, you stand a better chance of clearly explaining what the original prompt was about and also, increase your ability to present complex sentences in the essay. I would have presented this as:

With several countries seeing an increase in high school students taking a gap year before college, a discussion has come up regarding its advantages and disadvantages. While this practice does have several pros and cons, not everyone is familiar with these information. That is why this essay will compare the benefits and drawbacks of this practice.

Please note how I used several varying terms for "advantages and disadvantages" in the opening presentation. This was aimed at helping to increase the LR score for the essay. It will impress the reviewer to see the degree of your English proficiency based upon your ability to say the same thing in several ways. An example of which you can see in the above paraphrase.

Again, since you are not being asked for an opinion here, you should not be saying things like "There is no doubt..." as that means you are trying to sway the reader towards a particular opinion. Since this is not an opinion essay but merely a familiarity essay, you should avoid making conclusions that might unduly influence the reader.

Don't write more than the required 5 sentences, but don't write less than 3 sentences per paragraph. The aim of the Task 2 essay is to figure out if you are able to make yourself understood using a limited number of sentences in English as you will be required to do during the formal academic year in your research papers. Keep it short but informative. Complex, but understandable instead of confusing.

Writing Feedback / Task 2: Traditional culture with money-making purpose. Discuss both views and give opinion [2]

Linh, your opening paragraph made my head spin. It was so wordy and needlessly complicated that you ended up not really representing the original prompt as a restatement. Your first sentence alone is a terribly long run-on sentence. The prompt paraphrase for this could have been as simple as follows:

Countries these days entice the interest of tourists by highlighting their traditional culture as tourist showcases. The problem that most people see with this practice is that the culture itself is destroyed in the name of financial gain. However, there are some people who support this method of tourist promotion because it is the only way to continually promote the relevance of their culture. I believe that it would be best to consider both sides of the discussion so that I can offer a personal opinion about it.

You can use the first person pronoun I in this instance because this is a personal opinion essay As a first opinion essay, you cannot help but use the first person pronouns to reference yourself in the writing. This also makes it clear to the reader that you are discussing your point of view already and not the public point of view as represented by the reference to "most people" or "there are some people". The presentation above clearly represents the original prompt topic and discussion instruction in a more complex and originally structured manner.

The presentation does good work of representing the public point of view in the discussion but fails to represent an explanation of your personal opinion in a stand alone paragraph. This 2 POV + Personal POV essay is always done in a 5 paragraph format, never 4. If you do the 4 paragraph format, you will automatically have missed out on representing your personal opinion paragraph which will affect your final score as your TA will only be partially complete and be scored accordingly.

Scholarship / "Networking" An intellectual adventure for creativity- Chevening Scholarship [3]

Chukwuka, you must remove the reference to the book in the opening paragraph. Don't lecture the Chevening reviewer about the meaning of networking based on someone else's understanding. He isn't interested in any definitions you have or wish to make. Those are irrelevant to the task you were asked to present as proof of your networking skills. Once you remove that paragraph, you can instead, open the essay using the second paragraph.

The main problem that I have with your essay is that you seem to have created only an inter-office network when the reviewer is expecting you to have attended international conferences and meetings where you should have been able to network with various individuals from different fields whose specialties you should have used during opportune times in your professional life. If I misunderstood and you actually attended a professional or national conference attended by various individuals representing different sectors of companies then please correct me and clarify that point in your presentation. If I misunderstood, then so will the Chevening reviewer.

A networking conference usually lasts more than just 3 hours. These normally take place over days at a time. Have you ever attended a non-office sponsored seminar at a different venue held by a different organization? That is the kind of networking discussion this prompt requires.

Your experience at 234 is not relevant to the discussion. You enacted a personal solution based on a previous experience at your old office. That does not represent a method by which you had to use an existing network in order to overcome a work related obstacle. Remember, it cannot be an inter-office network, you need to go outside of the workplace in order to prove a truly effective and work relevant network that can help you and potentially, the past and future Chevening scholars.

Try to find other terms to describe the word synergize. It gets too repetitive in the essay. You can use the term energize or cooperation/cooperating, or variations thereof. You have a very good idea as to how to utilize the Chevening scholarship network in your last paragraph. Keep that but remove the reference to the RSC since that is not a Chevening related organization. Focus only on Chevening. The reviewer could care less what other organizations you are a member of. At this point, the prompt is focused only on Chevening so you should not offer information that is not related to the discussion, even if it proves a networking style. The networking style should be proven in the earlier parts that discuss how you created and used your professional network.

Undergraduate / If there has been and obstacle in your life, explain the circumstances. UCF APPLICATION ESSAY [2]

Sam, I know that you are trying to think outside the box here in order to create a unique and memorable response to the prompt. The problem is that you made the response so easy going and generalized in discussion that it became a forgettable presentation instead. The essay doesn't stand out because there is nothing noteworthy presented. Perhaps you were trying to say that the obstacle in your life was yourself? In which case, you need to better explain what you mean by that. When was a specific time that you actually portrayed yourself as the very obstacle you had to overcome?

You need specifics in order to create a scenario that the reviewer might be able to remember even after reading a hundred other essays on the same topic in one day. Consider the word count and try to lengthen the essay in a manner relevant to the discussion you wish to present. Stop being general in presentation and go for specifics. Go for being memorable in a unique way. Don't discuss how others approach their discussion of this essay prompt. It sounds like you are trying to tell the reviewer how to do his job.

Offering yourself up as the biggest obstacle you have had to overcome indicates that you have come to a heightened sense of maturity and responsibility. You should focus on that because the whole point of the obstacle prompt is to provide the reviewer with an insight as to how you handle difficulties and if you are capable of overcoming possible difficulties during your college life.

Writing Feedback / Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information in the graph below [3]

Tu, the trending statement should only be a single sentence in the presentation. What you did here is a constant presentation of the trend within the graph rather than creating a summary comparison for the given information. Being a 4 paragraph essay, you should have only presented about 175-200 words. 230 words is simply overkill and, with only 20 minutes to write this analysis, is impossible to attain during the actual test. Don't forget that you still need to proofread your paper so you can correct simple mistakes such as spelling errors (seem instead of seen).

One way of making this presentation shorter would have been to discuss the graph in a time bracketed manner. That means, you lump the information for analysis into groups of 3 years each. That way you can report about the lowest, middle, and highest points of each set without having to write too many words as you did in this essay.

Remember to divide your sentences with periods. You have a tendency to just keep on typing without considering any punctuation mark usage in your presentation. The essay becomes extremely difficult to read when you do that. It is a mistake that could result in a failing GRA score for you in an actual test. That will mean failing the test on a technicality that could have been avoided if you were just not careless about your writing style.

Writing Feedback / The graphs compared Japan and Malaysia in terms of five categories of average family expenses - 2010 [3]

Phuc, you have not written enough words to portray a complete analysis of the pie charts. Do not aim to write only the exact number of minimum words for the Task 1 essay because that means you will miss out on several key information points that will have an effect on your GRA, TA and C&C scores.

For instance, you did not present a complete summary for the opening statement of this essay. Missing from your presentation are information about the data used for the comparison, which means you have to list the comparison points located in the pie chart. These would be housing, transport, food, etc. That is because the information overview should inform the reader about what the upcoming discussion paragraphs will be about. You also misidentified the image supplied for the comparison. Part of the TA consideration is the reliability of your information. So not properly indicating what image you were provided for comparison purposes will affect the way the examiner reads your analysis report. Your trending statement is also unclear as you are presenting a comparison instead of a single trend occurring in the image.

Next, even though you can complete your basic information presentation within 2 sentences, that does not mean you did a good job in discussing it. If you do not lengthen your presentation to at least 3 sentences, you are not fully comparing the information from the chart. You are merely stating it as you see it. Try to be consistent with your paragraph presentations so that you can get a higher C&C and GRA score. Write at least 3 sentences per paragraph so you can achieve something close to that scoring consideration.

Do not start 2 successive paragraphs with the same reference. Saying "In Japan" twice in such close proximity of paragraphs means you are not even trying to vary your sentence presentations. So you are not aiming to create complex sentences that can help to improve your score. If you said "In Japan" already, you can next say "With regards to... Malaysia shows that... While in Japan..." Sentence presentation variation matters in a task 1 essay due to the possible redundancy of information presentation that could increase the risk of reader fatigue and stress.

This is a good start. You are showing the potential to score well in an actual test, just not at this very moment and not with this essay. Maybe your next essay will be closer to achieving that.

Writing Feedback / Some people prefer to keep on their job while others change it often without much hesitation [3]

Ngo, it appears to me that you were uncertain about how to approach this type of essay writing. I base this observation on your final line in the opening paragraph that indicates a trending statement. A Task 2 essay does not need to have a trending statement. That is because there are no images for comparison provided. Rather, only a public and personal understanding of the given topic needs to be covered in a 4-5 paragraph discussion.

Your opening statement would have been partially sufficient for a direct response essay. However, since you are not writing such a presentation as this is a 2 point of view + personal opinion presentation, you should have instead paraphrased the original prompt in your opening statement instead. To paraphrase means to restate the meaning and instructions of the original source in your own words. For example, you could have indicated:

There are two schools of thought when it comes to the job that people do all their lives. Some believe that it is better to vary their occupation from time to time. Others have the opinion that a person must be loyal to one profession all his life. Owing to this discussion, a comparison discussion of these two opinions shall be analyzed in this essay after which, I shall provide my own ideas regarding the topic.

The above is an example of how to properly paraphrase an original prompt. Always include:
1. The topic
2. The reason for the discussion (at least 2 sentences for each reason or point of view)
3. How the discussion will be taking place.

Now, your 2 body paragraphs are actually on target in terms of discussion. So you did a very good job with that aspect of writing. You showed that you have a clear idea of what you want to say and how to say it. Avoid using ellipses after a comma, you cannot use two punctuation marks in one sentence. This is an ellipse "..." you used it after a comma in your third paragraph. These mistakes have a direct bearing on your GRA score in terms of punctuation proficiency on your part.

The most common mistake made by exam takers is that they more often than not indicate their personal opinion in the concluding statement. This limits the development of the presentation in terms of its ability to increase your overall score because you create an open ended instead of concluded essay. A personal statement must be presented as a stand alone paragraph anywhere within the 3 body presentation of reasons. The concluding statement should only represent the summary of the new discussion that you just made meaning it should have the following presented:

1. Topic for discussion
2. Reasons you presented for the discussion (2 reasons or POV)
3. Repeat of your personal opinion
4. Closing sentence

Read the other sample Task 2 essays located in this forum. The various task topics already written and given advice to should help you improve your writing skills and also give you a better idea of how to approach the various discussion instruction styles for the Task 2 essay.

Graduate / I have always been passionate about Computers and Communications - personal statment review [3]

Mena, since you are applying for admission to a masters degree course this is definitely not the personal statement that you should be presenting to the reviewer. Your current essay is more of a college application statement that responds to a freestyle writing prompt. It does not contain information that would inform the reviewer about what makes you a qualified candidate for a post graduate course.

You need to approach this personal statement from a professional point of view. That is, you no longer need to explain the reasons behind the development of your interest in computer. You do not need to discuss your college academic achievements nor your hobbies and extra curricular activities. The focus of this essay must be on the development of your interest in the cloud. Specifically in Cloud Information Security. That is why this has to be approached from a professional personal point of view.

Talk about when you were introduced to Cloud Computing and its security requirements. Indicate when your interest in could computing began. Why did you become more interested in its security rather than storage side? From there, discuss your academic goals for taking the course. Based upon your academic requirements, how did you end up choosing this university ? What was it that the university offered its students that the others did not? Is that the reason why you believe that the university can also help you achieve your generalized career goals?

Most importantly, do not write this in a letter format. This must be presented in an essay form as you are not writing a motivational letter but rather a personal statement. Format the paper in accordance with the type of writing required.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - Art education in high school? [3]

Tam, your paper has not properly discussed the prompt requirements. This is an agree or disagree essay that you responded to as a personal opinion essay. The response to this is either "Yes, I agree" or "No, I disagree." it cannot be responded to with "I believe" because that is not an option provided for in the original prompt. This is a single opinion essay discussion covering 4 paragraphs namely:

1. Prompt paraphrase - inaccurately presented
2. Explanation of your point of view - No side was taken in your argument
3. Example to support your point of view - Again, no relevant discussion pertaining to this was done
4. Concluding summary - Your work does not appropriately summarize the discussion points because you did not present the correct discussion and supporting reasons for the provided topic.

You basically went rogue and created your own discussion topic. Which means you did not understand what the instructions for the discussion were. This is the type of essay that, if written during an actual test, will find it very difficult to reach even a passing score consideration from the examiner.

Writing Feedback / Vacation or vacations to school children? Discussion essay. [4]

SG, you are using the term "dispute" in this essay which is incorrect. Again, there is no debate/dispute being presented. Only a discussion of two different points of view. Therefore, the term you should be using can be anything from "discussion, comparative talking points, differing points of view" and other similar words that imply a logical meeting of the minds instead of an argument.

Be careful with your word choices. You failed to proofread your essay yet again because you made a mistake in typing the word vacation in the opening paraphrase. A vacation means a time of rest while a vocation means "a strong feeling of suitability for a particular career or occupation." Small errors like these have big scoring implications as you know. The more small errors you have, the bigger your scoring problem later on.

It is redundant to say "two views of perspective". perspective is a synonym for the word "views" in this given context. What you said was, "Upon reading these two views of views..." rather than "upon reading the differing perspectives", which is more complex in presentation. You show a growing command of the English language, try to vary your statements from simple sentences to complex. I believe you can do it at this point. You may as well practice doing so while I am here to guide you in developing that skill.

When you do the concluding summary, don't use the terms "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" because you are no longer comparing the discussion. You are already stating the facts of the discussion. Present these as two independent sentences instead. You could have been more direct to the point by saying "To recapitulate, short and multiple breaks... While long breaks... These reasons have led me to think that..."

By the way, vary the concluding statement opening phrase as part of your complex sentence development exercise. Let's widen that vocabulary of yours. It's time to do it. You are ready for it.

Scholarship / A leader in the making. Leadership has clearly been the course of my life. [3]

Paddy, this is an extremely short and unimpressive leadership and influencing essay. You do not need to define what leadership means to you or what your idea of leadership is. That is not the topic for discussion here. Rather, you must focus only on the discussion of how you embody a certain type of leadership and influencing style. As a teacher, you do have automatic leadership of your students and you do have a strong influence upon them being their educator. So that is not the right scenario to discuss in this essay. You are a leader and influencer by default when it comes to your students. You need to show your leadership and influencing abilities beyond the classroom.

For example, you can explain that you are a member of the teacher's union or some other professional educational group. In order to exemplify your leadership skills, you must showcase how you handle difficult scenarios that require you to take on responsibility and direct the group towards a successful outcome. This is something that will automatically highlight your influencing skills as well because an effective leader needs to first be a notable influencer in the group for without the ability to affect the mindset and attitude of your team members, you will not be able to successfully lead them.

My opinion is that you must write a totally new essay. One that highlights the information I gave above in a manner similar to my suggested approach. That way, your leadership and influencing essay will be more on the mark with regards to the reviewer's expectations and required information. Do not go back to college to talk about leadership and influencing skills. Stay focused on your professional career for these information because you are applying for admission to a masters course and therefore, should prove to have the professional skills from where you have the foundation for or the developed leadership and influencing skills that will help you handle the stressful environment of being an international scholar.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: A BAN ON ALL FORMS OF ADVERTISING? SHOULD OR SHOULD NOT? [3]

Ngo, your prompt paraphrase is not proper. I say that because a properly paraphrased prompt will explain the subject, reason for the discussion, and offer a presentation regarding the discussion instruction to the reader. The purpose of the opening paraphrase is not to discuss the topic immediately but rather, to explain to importance of the discussion topic and mode of discussion so that the reader will know what information to expect in the body of paragraphs. In this instance, I believe you did a prompt deviation because, as per the title of this essay the discussion topic is whether all advertising forms should or should not be banned. Then your discussion topic instead became a presentation of the drawbacks and benefits of advertising. So there are 2 opposing discussions here and I cannot determine which discussion is the correct one because your prompt paraphrase is inaccurate and you did not post the original prompt either.

You are misusing punctuation marks in this essay. You must never mix the use of a comma and ellipses in a given sentence. A comma indicates an additional statement is to follow. Ellipses implies that there are additional statements made but not included in the presentation. Since you are writing an academic essay, there is no need to ever use the ellipses in a presentation. That is more used in creative essays rather than academic ones.