Writing Feedback / In my opinion people should prepare meal and eat at home rather than going out to restaurants [5]

Hi Lam, the essay is asking you for your personal preference or choice in this instance, as to whether you prefer to eat at a restaurant or at home. In your response, you gave an opinion based on a general / public consideration instead of the personal choice as indicated in the essay. The fact that you are to discuss a personal choice is indicated in the question


Then the essay asks you to discuss or defend your preference based solely on your personal experience or knowledge. So the parts of the essay that give an opinion about how you believe that people should prepare foods at home, that is not the point of the essay. The discussion point is only based on a personal choice / decision. There is nothing in the essay to indicate that you need to present a persuasive argument to convince others to do the same as you do.

In my opinion, your first body paragraph needs to be adjusted to reflect the required elements of the prompt which is your personal discussion based on personal experience. Even if you make up the information, it still has to focus only on you instead of the public. Due to the existing strengths of this essay though, I believe that you can get a score of at least 3 with this type of writing.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: formal academic qualifications VS life experience or personal qualities. [2]

Hey Thai, I'd like to tell you not to worry about your score. I have thoroughly reviewed your essay and, based upon the scoring requirements, I can safely tell you that you will get at least a 6 with this type of writing. That is because you stayed on point with your discussions and you managed to remain clear and relevant with your 2 points for discussion. However, there are some points that you need to consider improving upon in order to improve your scoring potential.

The first thing that you have to consider is that when you deal with a direct question essay, of which this particular exercise is one, you should make sure to indicate not only your position regarding the topic, but also the main discussion points you will be presenting. That is because the opening paragraph, which requires at least 2 sentences to represent the prompt paraphrase, you also need to add the discussion outline by indicating your position and the discussion points towards the end of the paragraph. This helps inform the reader as to what the flow of the discussion will be and how it will be presented.

The next thing you have to remember is that redundancies need to be avoided in your presentation. While I understand your desire to increase your LR score, repeating information in the essay will not be helpful because it shows a lack of control with regards to word usage and grammar development. For example, when you said:


The term "perspective" already means point of view. It is a synonym word so when you said "perspective point of view" you created a redundancy in the presentation.

Your body of paragraphs are acceptable and does make valid points. However, you presented too many points in one paragraph which did not allow you to really fully explain the purpose of the paragraph. It would be better if you pick only up to 3 strongest discussion points to present in individual paragraphs so that you can clearly explain your meaning. It is not enough to list discussion points with single sentence explanations. You need to fully explain using a topic sentence, reasoning, and clear example. All of those 3 points need to be interrelated in the paragraph with the final sentence being an introduction to the upcoming discussion topic in the next paragraph.

Overall, you did acceptable work in this essay. It shows that you have the potential to score even greater in the actual test. You just need to practice writing in the various forms to make sure that you will get at least a 6 in all the test question formats.

Research Papers / Insomnia: It's Effect on the Quality of Life [2]

Rubi, there are several instances of redundancies in this research paper. For example, you used the same definition of Insomnia in paragraphs one and two; the inability to sleep. In fact, you even open the paragraphs with the same definition. Try to use the definition only once or at least paraphrase it in the next paragraph in order to avoid being repetitive as that will affect the reader's perception of your work.

You also have to work on your word usage. The correct term is "asleep" not "a sleep". Asleep means to be in a state of sleep, which is what you were trying to explain in the sentence. In relation to this, the first half of the second paragraph just repeats the content of the first paragraph so you either skip that half of the paragraph or at least present new information that will push the discussion along. Right now, these two paragraphs are just circling around without really going anywhere.

The essay also needs better illustrative examples for the causes and impact of insomnia. Examples of specific instances that highlight the cause or impact help the reader to better understand your explanation. Try to use references that you either have experienced, such as insomnia among stressed out students, workplace causes insomnia, or psychological insomnia. For the impact, you need to add information that will show just how common insomnia is among people who suffer these illnesses. The varied insomnia types that are created by the impact of the illnesses will help to clarify your explanation and allow the reader to perhaps identify with the symptoms and discussions you are presenting.

One of the main weaknesses of your essay is your lack of editing skills. Make sure you review, revise, edit, and finalize this paper once you are done making your corrections and adding information to it. Aim to perfect the written presentation after you have focused on presenting the research based information. That way your research paper will be as close to perfection as you can manage.

Letters / Judging book by its cover - Letter to my future roommate, Stanford essay [3]

Arthur, the first thing you have to consider when writing this letter is that you will not have a whole room to yourself in the dorm. On the contrary, as a freshman, you will most likely be paired up with another student with whom you may share at least one commonality. The way that you wrote this letter, you sound like you are not looking forward to having a roommate. Instead, you would rather that your roommate leave you alone for a majority of the time. The first half makes you sound so closed off and anti-social that it will be impossible for your future roommate to believe otherwise, even if you say so in your letter.

What I am suggesting is this, rather than saying you always leave your room a mess and you fix up on Saturdays only, why not open with your dedication to studies first, then explain that all the research you do leaves you with little time for tidying up and you hope your roommate won't mind that you only fix your part of the room on Saturdays. Extend an offer for your roommate to be as messy as possible also so that the two of you can have come bonding time on Saturdays, tidying up, you teaching your roommate Portuguese and German, and then catching up with some weekend social activities on campus. That makes you sound more open and sociable.

As for Vivaldi, mention your attention will need to be called because you tend to listen to your music loud, which may disturb your roommate so you often have a wireless headset attached to your ears instead. Then insert the part about tapping your shoulder to get your attention. As for cooking, why not volunteer to cook for the two of you once a week instead? Offer to cook simple fare from your home country as a sign of goodwill and promotion of your culture so your roommate can better understand who you are beyond the first impression you will create for yourself the day you finally meet with your roommate.

Writing Feedback / 'We get educated only in school.' What are your views? [5]

Amadeus, are you writing this in response to a task 2 essay or just as a part of your English lesson exercises? The reason I ask is because there are two ways of reviewing this piece of writing that you did. I can either review this as a Task 2 essay or I can just offer grammar feedback and suggestions as to how to improve your opinion presentation. It really depends upon what the purpose of your writing is. I am not really clear as to which type of writing you are trying to do so it would be better for you clarify what sort of writing this is before I proceed with advising you regarding specific considerations.

In general though, this is well thought out and presented paper. It covers certain discussions in more detail than others, but then again, the discussion coverage depends upon the purpose of the writing. It does seem a bit long for an essay but then again, the length depends upon the type of writing you are doing so I cannot judge the length unless I know what type of essay you are writing and what the specific instructions for writing it are. For example, are you responding to a Task 2 prompt or an assigned class discussion? I can't just jump to conclusions in advising you unless I am clear on all aspects for consideration.

Basically, you have the potential to be a good English writer. I just cannot reference other points for improvements until I am clear on what you are required to do in this piece of writing.

Writing Feedback / Decisions can be made quickly, or they can be made after careful thought? [2]

Anastasia, your grammar is not perfect and your timeline in the presentation is off. However, you still managed to make yourself understood with very little stress applied on the reader in order to understand your point of the meaning of your statement. You need to make sure that you focus on your tense usage though as this thoroughly affects the method by which you present your discussion. All of these statements should be made with future participles in mind so the more proper grammar presentation would have been:

... MAKE big decisions... footprint IN our LIVES ( when you start with a plural presentation, you end with a plural presentation)... also MAKING small DECISIONS are... that THESE small decisions... it DOES NOT change... much IN our LIVES... what to eat FOR DINNER...

... BIG DECISIONS SHOULD BE MADE... because it can AFFECT our LIVES DIFFERENTLY... ... we will MAKE THESE DECISIONS QUICKLY...

You can see the pattern for correcting the rest of the essay based on the sample above. Remember, when something is yet to be done, use the future tense references and watch out for those tricky plural references.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Young people should spend more time on cultural activities and less time on sport. [2]

Hang, In the discussion prompt, you stated that the opinion to be discussed is only the extent by which you agree with the given statement. It does not offer you any room to disagree with the given proposal. Yet, you went on to discuss the reasons that you disagree with the given discussion point. As such, this essay discussed what is called a prompt deviation which will lead this essay to be scored extremely low on the TA side of the band score. I don't believe that this could score higher than a 1 in the TA section because your response is not related to the given task, which is to have you discuss the extent of your agreement, not disagreement with this discussion. As you know, once you deviate from the prompt discussion, it will be extremely difficult to pull up your remaining scoring considerations in order to achieve a passing score.

In this instance, I have pointed out the reason why this essay will have some difficulty in receiving a passing score. So I will not score the rest of this essay based on the band criteria. Instead, I will show you how the prompt paraphrase should have been written:

There is an ongoing discussion regarding whether or not the youth should devote an increased amount of time to cultural learning instead of investing time in athletic activities. I partially agree with this statement. Based on my knowledge and experience, I will discuss my supporting reasons with further details below.

Essays / How am i able to find majors and minors for those topics? [4]

I am not sure what exactly you are asking for here but I am going to have a go at it. If you are considering a career in computer engineering then, as a college student, you can consider the following major courses to become an expert in this field:

Computer Architecture
Computer Assisted Design - minor in Artificial Intelligence
Computer Communications - minor in electronics communications
Computer Organization
Digital Imaging
Digital Systems
Electric Circuits
Electromechanics
Programming

Normally, there are no minor courses to be taken in computer engineering. However, some universities do offer minor certificates depending upon the type of minor courses you take in relation to your chosen minor course. Those would be decided upon by the student as he progresses with his studies. You could use the major course certificate suggestions above to look into minor course certificates that a student can acquire alongside it at various universities.

Once you know what the major benefits of a course are and what the minor career benefits are, then you should be able to respond more appropriately to your written research task. In truth, your post isn't very clear about whether you mean benefits of studying in the USA or if you mean the benefits of studying particular courses, or what. The lack of clarity is what makes it difficult to offer you the correct advice. If you can provide a cut and paste of the question you are responding to, I might be able to make better sense of what is required of your research and how to best address it.

Research Papers / Persuasive Research Paper on utilizing GMOs [2]

Rachel, your opening anecdote is nice but not really informative. It would be an improvement in your presentation if you can address a concern that the shopper has that led to her moving on from the GMO food product. Since this is a persuasive essay, you should use the opening anecdote to lay the foundation as to why the shopper has a misconception about GMO products.

When you discuss Bill Nye and the other person, you should indicate what apprehensions they had about GMO's that were later in dispelled. You must also indicate how their perception of the GMO product was influenced or how they were persuaded by arguments to change their mind about the said food product. It isn't enough to just say they were non-believes but now are believers, by explaining how that happened, the reader may also be influenced by the same argument used on those people to change their minds.

Overall, you have some pretty good sources of verifiable information in this essay which helps to promote the strength and authority of your point of view. It has taken the opposing arguments into account and effectively worked to prove that these are unfounded claims. As far as I can tell, you have done a good job on this research paper. It just needs some content adjustment at certain points.

Writing Feedback / The population at the age of at least 65 in some parts of the world [3]

Linh, the comparison chart would have been far more efficient with the addition of the 2 sets of overlapping points for the growth of the population in the year 2000 for Sweden and the USA indicating the same growth of approximately 14%. Then again, there is an estimated overlapping of growth for all 3 countries around the year 2030 where Japan and the USA overlap at around 13% and then Japan and Sweden also overlap at around the same time at an estimated growth of 22%.

The reason why I believe you have to be on the lookout for these overlapping information or comparative growth points is because these illustrations always ask for comparisons to be made wherever relevant. These overlapping points are part of the comparison sections to be presented. The inclusion will allow you to increase your overall TA, C&C, LR, and GRA scores. With the way this essay is currently presented, a more intricate review could push this essay well above the 7.5 mark.

Writing Feedback / Face to face communication with an increasing Internet connection and text messages in use? [4]

Balijit, you have misunderstood the prompt discussion requirement. There is no degree of extent in your discussion nor have you made your opinion clear regarding the given topic. Let me outline the original discussion for you:

Topic: face to face communication will became a thing in the past.
Reason: an increasing population communicating via Internet and text message
Question: To what extent do you agree?

Your response: although I agree that face to face conversation will become increasingly less popular, it is unlikely to disappear completely and will still be preferred in certain situations.

The correct paraphrase:
There is an increasing reliance of people on advanced technological communications such as video conferencing and internet messaging. This has led to the opinion that physical contact with regards to communication will become obsolete in the future. I partially agree with this statement because of several reasons.

Given the original instruction parameters, you are not given any room to contradict the discussion presentation. However, based upon the proper wording of your paraphrase and thesis statement, you could have offered a proper partial opinion discussion set up to allow for your comparative discussion. However, your essay does not follow that format.

The above reason will be the basis for you to receive only a partial score for the TA section. Your opinion statement is incomplete in presentation. Hence the proper complete scores will only be given for the parts of your essay that adhere to the prompt requirements. Sadly, your concluding summary will suffer the same fate due to the improper addressing of the restated prompt requirements as well. That is because your essay changed the prompt discussion and as such, no longer presented an opinion that was in line with the original discussion.

Research Papers / Overexposure. Research Paper on Teens and Social Media [2]

Kerinda, you can better balance the information in your research paper if you revise it to have a more integrated feel to the format (social media - teen - parent discussion) rather than focusing first on the negatives, then the responsibility of the parents, and the possible solution to problems. If you review your paper, you will notice that the solutions that you say stem from parental involvement in social media is not directly related to the problems you presented at the start. I think the research will have a more informative feel if the discussion follows the following format per topic:

1. Introduction of topic / Topic sentence
2. Effects
3. Role of parents
4. Expected outcome
5. Transition to the next topic

By connecting the effects of social media on the child and the role of the parents in preventing these issues in a more social media related manner, the presentation becomes more interesting and less one sided in presentation. Every discussion becomes more balanced and will also allow you to vary your referenced information per discussion topic instead of having a focus on only one source per discussion. Varying the sources per discussion shows a well-rounded research process on your end that the professor will better appreciate.

As for the title, I think you currently have it in reverse. I believe that some other options for your title could be:

1. The Effects of Social Media on Teens
2. Parents Responsibility in Educating Teens on Social Media Use
3. Social Media, Teens, and Parents
4. Responsible Social Media Use: The Role of Parents

... or variations thereof.

Research Papers / Fighting Physical and Mental Illness with Yoga [2]

Nocholas, it would be better for your essay if you start it from the very start with a reference as to how Yoga has helped you improve your life and then use that discussion to lead into the deeper discussion of the health benefits of Yoga. As a yoga practitioner based on health issues, your research takes on a more interesting tone because you can immediately relate your experiences to the research, and also allow other people who suffer from the same illness an insight as to how Yoga might be able to help them. There is a "but" to this suggestion though.

You are presenting the information about Yoga in terms of mental, rather than physical health. Which makes the presentation of the information about your back pain and how Yoga helped alleviate the pain somewhat misdirected. It would be better, in my opinion, if you redirected your research towards pain alleviation using yoga instead of mental illness. This is because you presented 2 physical ailments rather than mental illnesses in the essay namely, back pain and migraines. These do not classify as mental illnesses and therefore create a deviation in your discussion that cannot connect to the issues of mental health that is helped by yoga. If I were you, I would revise the essay content to concentrate solely on either mental issues or physical health, You don't really transition well into the physical health discussion in your essay because your thesis statement is all about mental health issues and how yoga can help deal with it.

Writing Feedback / Some of the celebrities are younger than others, and believe this is a positive development [5]

SG, there is a problem in your representation of the prompt statement. "Younger than others" implies that you are discussing about an age difference in the essay. That is not the case. You are merely referring to young people in general. Then, you did not really offer a clear idea of what your reason for your opinion is, which left the direct question essay, that should have a direct response, pointless. Here's a sample thesis statement for this essay with a more appropriate response:

There are some celebrities who become popular during their adolescence. I believe that this is something that can be viewed in a positive manner. Popularity at an early age can result in a more enlightened adult. The reasons behind this are lessons learned from mistakes in life and a growing voice of influence as they experience a different life from other people of a similar age.

The life experiences...

These experiences help the youth to develop a more influential and powerful voice...

Emma Watson is a good example however, you failed to illustrate how her voice helps her cause in the industry or helps to influence other youth.

Your concluding summary is not complete. You forgot to restate your response to the direct question as the closing sentence of this paragraph. Mistakes aside, you have shown a tremendous improvement in your work with this essay.

Writing Feedback / [Ielts task 1] 2 line graphs about expense on children's sport and the number of participants [3]

Tran, you did a very good job of developing this analytical report. If there is one observation about your summary overview though, it is that it could have used the addition of the instructional sentence. Something that tells the reader, who does not have access to the charts, what information you will be presenting and how. An example of this presentation (for information accuracy purposes) is:

Using the 2 graphs, a comparison analysis will be presented to the reader. Major data will be enumerated and comparison points will be presented in relation to the analysis requirements.

While presenting your trending statement as a stand alone paragraph is commonplace among exam takers and often advised by other tutors, I find that my students always score highest in terms of TA considerations when they present a completely developed 5 sentence summary statement that closes with the trending statement because the trending statement offers an additional overview / thesis statement to present the perceived outline of the discussion with.

Look at the current format of your trending statement and you will see that as a 2 sentence set-up, it appears to have some missing information. However, when combined with the information from the first 2 sentences above it, you create a more cohesive and coherent summary presentation. That is guaranteed to increase both your TA. GRA, and C&C scores. Although you will not lose points for having less sentences per paragraph, you will have a higher score for writing more sentences starting from the suggested 3 sentence minimum up to the maximum allowable of 5 sentences based on each criteria.

I reviewed the way that you presented "uncertain" information from the graph that requires you "estimate" the amount of average monthly spend on the children's sports and came to realize that you did not use the proper "guess" word for the "in- between" figures. When an amount falls in between 2 figures in the graph, it is always best to use the term "the estimated cost" or a variation thereof in order to indicate that the line figure does not fall into a solid number bracket in the presentation. Accuracy is the name of the game in this essay so when the presentation does not give you that, it is best to "estimate" in order to avoid confusion.

By the way, when you analyzed the sports participation, you mentioned everything except how athletics and swimming overlapped somewhere in between 2010 and 2012. That small reference to a measurement others may miss in the presentation could help to increase your TA score as well. Make sure you know how to properly reference the citizens of a particular country. The reference is "British children", not "Britain children").

Also, the report must be in plural form since there is more than a singular figure presented. In the 3rd paragraph, the proper reference is "children's sports". Once a plural form is used, in this case children, the succeeding descriptive words should also be in plural form so "sports". Most specially since there is a reference to several sports in the given line graph.

Finally, about your chart descriptions. Don't say "in the first chart", you have to identify the type of chart for each informational reference. So, in this case, you should have said "In the first line chart..."

Writing Feedback / Research shows that business meetings, discussions and training are happening online nowadays [4]

Trung, since this is your first posting here, I will assume that this is the first essay that you have ever tried to write for a Task 2 test. It will help to explain the series of errors in your presentation, the confusing discussion in some aspects, and the way that you have not properly constructed the sentences in most instances.

A general rule for the essay writing test is that you must avoid writing run-on sentences. What is a run-on sentence? It is a sentence that is composed of several ideas, separated by a comma rather than a period. The run-on sentence is a sentence that, due to the lack of a proper sentence topic / subject, becomes confusing to understand as the sentence does not make a definite point or have a clear discussion supporting it. For example, the opening paraphrase of this essay is a run-on sentence. While it covers most of the information from the original paraphrase, it is difficult for the reader to remember. That is because it does not accurately represent a prompt restatement. A clearer sample of a prompt restatement and discussion for this topic follows:

There has been a shift from meetings, consultations, and skill enhancements being done in a face to face manner to technology based counterparts. This development can be seen as a positive trend. However, it does have disadvantages as well. This essay will discuss whether the advantages of this professional development is more advantageous rather than disadvantageous.

One reason that this method is considered advantageous is that...

However, this method also has drawbacks. One drawback is that...

In the end technology has provided...

To conclude...

Clarity is of the utmost importance in your sentence discussions. When you present confusing sentences such as;


- What do you mean by "compared to they are otherwise"? It doesn't make sense. Information is missing in this instance.

Also, you neglected to consider that if a meeting is overseas, a traffic jam will not matter. A traffic jam only matters when reporting to work within the same country. Also, all business meetings are done via video conferencing for international business meetings these days. Therefore, the meetings are done face to face and misunderstandings are easily avoided.

Being a comparison essay discussion, you were on the right track with your discussion presentation when the prompt discussion instruction is considered. Let's begin your improvement by noting your mistakes in this essay and having you avoid those in your next practice essay. As you progress, your errors will be corrected and your writing will improve in the process.

Research Papers / Persuasive Essay On Violent Video Games [3]

Julie, your essay tends to be redundant when it comes to the use of the term "violent video games". You need to use a thesaurus find ways of varying the term using various synonym words.

Your thesis statement does not lay out a solid foundation that kids should not be allowed to play certain violent video games. It will be better for your argument if you can specify certain game titles that directly relate to the experiment that was conducted on the players. That way, you can prove that the experiment had actual data considerations After all, you do have sources listed in your bibliography page. One of those or all of those sources should have mentioned at least one video game right?

Speaking of your bibliography, you may want to double check the format for your paper and create in-text citations and paraphrases with appropriate sources referenced in the paragraphs. Your essay loses authority and validity when you mentioned information that obviously comes from other sources but lacks a citation as a form of thank you to the source. That is an academic requirement for research papers so your paragraphs should reflect the sources within the quoted section. You may also wish to cite actual figures in relation to the number of children involved in the study, the methodology used, and the percentage of results in order to help convince the reader that your argument is correct. Use it to persuade the reader to your side.

As a persuasive essay, this could be made stronger if you consider the arguments that say video games do not create a violent mindset in children. A persuasive essay needs to consider both sides of the discussion, with a focus on weakening the opposing argument in order to prove that your stance is the correct one. I don't really see a balanced argument here. It is lopsided in favor of your point of view which is not the way this essay should be written.

Writing Feedback / Some parents are unwilling to let their children work during their studies, better focus on school [2]

Su, the reference point in your essay is off. You need make various references within the paragraphs to the parental line of reasoning. That is because each reason must come from the parents pov. Your current presentation doesn't make that clear. The simple reference to parents reminds the reader about who is speaking or being discussed throughout the essay.

Do your best to avoid mere restatements of the prompt reasoning as you do in your current presentation. Boost the restatement with additional information that supports the pov being discussed. While you do a good job of restating the reasons provided, you always stop short of giving a full explanation based on the sample you provided. A sample must always be explained. Limit your paraphrase to 2 sentences, using the remaining 3 sentence allotment to better explain the meaning of the sample.

Your concluding paragraph deviates from the prompt. There is no mention of the parental point of view, discussion reasons presented, and a proper closing sentence. These would help to increase your TA score as you better showcase your English comprehension skills based on your given discussion.

In relation to this, your opening paragraph has a run on sentence in the opening presentation. Split the sentence with a period instead of a comma. 3 clear sentences are better scored than a single run on sentence in terms of gra scoring.

While your work was good and shows a degree of high scoring potential. There is still room for improvement based on small errors and omissions in your work presentation.

Writing Feedback / The given table demonstrates the expense on a monthly basis of a typical household in Australia [3]

Duc, you missed presenting a 4th paragraph in relation to other expenses presented in the chart. A task 1 essay always scores the highest when it presents a 4 paragraph analysis and report of the given information. It also helps you meet the minimum word count using only important words and information instead of filler words. 4 paragraphs means you did not miss any information for presentation in your report paraphrasing. No conclusion is required in an analysis essay.

Your opening summary would have also been more complete if you outlined the given information as a listing summary in the opening paragraph. That is because the opening summary must create the outline of your discussion presentation for the reader. Likewise with the currency identification as it was clearly indicated in the graph. That clarity is required work regards to the currency as there are various dollar denominations available internationally. In this case, the table represents the Australian dollar currency a fact of great importance to the report.

Overall, this is a well developed report that lacks certain information that would have helped to boost your general scoring considerations.

Undergraduate / "Eureka!" feeling. TAMU Topic A Statement of Purpose Industrial Engineering [4]

Hi Tomas. Thanks for the clarification. I was able to get special permission from the powers that be to come back to this thread to give you just one more piece of advice for the improvement of your transfer SOP. You actually have a good start here. It gave me a good idea as to how you can better improve the presentation of your 2 pronged SOP. Let's start with your actual purpose in relation to your studies at Lone Star college first.

It would be best to first show the reviewer that you are passionate about becoming an industrial engineer in the first paragraph. The first paragraph should highlight why you have chosen this career for yourself. Think of what industrial engineering means to you, how your interest in it has affected your life, and how you plan to help create further improvements in this field upon graduation. Surely you have an ambitious pet project in mind that you have been nursing all these years as your interest developed in the field, use that as the Eureka moment I previously mentioned. What I am about to say is of huge importance to this type of essay, be specific about your after graduation plans that represent the purpose for your desire to study this course. What kind of industrial engineer do you want to be and why?

After that, start a second paragraph that best illustrates how the Lone Star College has helped you lay down a strong foundation for your eventual transfer to a 4 year version of the course. Highlight the classes you excelled in that relate to your chosen major. Towards the end of the paragraph, explain why you feel that even with these successes, you have come to realize that the college can only take you so far in your career development quest.

Your weakest points now becomes the reason as to why you chose to transfer to Texas A&M. Kick off this paragraph with a reference to where Lone Star ends with your college education and Texas A&M will pick up. You don't need to go back to a high school discussion. Stick to the immediate past and your present academic achievements. Consider how Lone Star can help you further develop your skills and other talents.

You are name dropping too many professors and mentioning their accomplishments, which doesn't serve a purpose since the reviewer will be more than familiar with everything you mentioned in this paragraph. You should instead, be looking for reasons that go beyond the obvious reasons. Think of your current academic goals. What do you want to learn as a student? How does A&M respond to your quest for knowledge? What are your academic goals? How does it tie in with the A&M objectives? What similarities do your ambitions and the university track record have that makes you a fit for the university?

In the end, this essay will benefit the most from your being able to justify how your academic interests will be best served by Texas A&M and your social development will develop to its fullest potential as well. However, you need to make the social development part a separate paragraph as well. Now, because of the additional paragraph, you will have to consider the maximum word requirement and then adjust the content of your essay in order to meet the word requirement in a manner that allows you best explain the points mentioned above.

Writing Feedback / The line graph illustrates how many crime-related incidents occurred in the inner Newport city [3]

Doung, you are not fully utilizing the given information in the line chart. Your essay is composed solely of run-on sentences that do not have an actual analysis of the information you were presented with. You did not follow the appropriate format for writing a Task 1 analytical essay. Your information presentation is going to be pulled down in terms of TA, GRA, and C&C considerations because you are writing without pause. Thus making the information difficult to understand, analyze, and remember for the reader perusing your summarized report. It does not come across as a true analysis of the information because you are only repeating the same information without doing any true comparison analysis in the essay.

It is not enough to say that a portion went up and a portion went down. Compare all 3 crimes based on periodical information, cross comparisons, and similarity points. Not just on the obvious. The main instruction for these essays is always "makes comparisons when relevant" and in this instance, the comparison points where the 2 of the 3 crimes intersect should have been reflected as well.

A critical eye is required in order to get a good Task 1 score. That means, you need to find the less obvious information and report upon it. That report boosts your score because the examiner knows that you actually took the time to study the image, rather than rushing to write what you can because you were watching the clock.

Therefore, this essay has the following problems that you should improve upon next time:

1. A lack of proper paragraph representation of 3-5 sentences. Avoid run-on and long sentences that combine all the information using commas to connect independent topic ideas.

2. There are 3 trending statements that should be summarized into one in this essay as per the crime rate presentation. Robbery had a steady upward trend, burglary was downward, and car theft fluctuated regularly over the given time period. These should have been summarized into one trending sentence as part of the summary overview. Your trending representation was inaccurate and flawed in this instance because you did not really bother to study the actual trend for each. There was no rate of crime that was left relatively unchanged over the given time period.

3. A deeper analysis of comparison points. After stating the obvious sections in the presentation, go back and review the chart one more time for presentations you might have missed during the outlining and drafting process. Add the information then review, revise, and edit the content before submission.

Writing Feedback / Topic: universities should only offer to young students with high marks,... [3]

Duong, let me start by telling you what you did well in this essay. You performed well in your first 2 body paragraphs that compare the two schools of thought. There is a balance in the discussion and a clear sense of logic in your reasoning. You also met the sentence requirement per paragraph. You also did an acceptable job of paraphrasing the prompt topic and discussion requirement although there are some aspects for improvement there. These are the good points in your presentation. Now for the negatives.

First up, is a look at your opening paragraph. The first sentence is a run on sentence. This should have been divided into 2 separate but related sentences because these represent 2 different discussion topics. Separating the topics into individual sentence presentations would not have only helped increase your TA score, but also further boosted your GRA score as you would have shown a better mix of complex and simple sentences throughout the presentation.

Now, about the personal opinion aspect of the discussion. One of the most common mistakes that the test takers make is that they often use the concluding paragraph to present their personal opinion. That is a definite mistake that further reduces your TA score because your essay does not have an actual conclusion. The personal opinion is a stand alone 5 sentence explanation of your beliefs regarding the topic. The concluding paragraph functions in a different manner though. The concluding paragraph is used to summarize the information in the 3 body paragraphs and remind the reader about the discussion topic. This is considered the closing aspect of the essay. No new information can be introduced at that point because you are simply finalizing the discussion at that point. So, personal opinion = 1 paragraph and the concluding paragraph = 1 paragraph summary of the discussion.

Overlooking these 2 problems though, I can say that you did a good job in discussing this essay just the same. You remained on track for the most part and used relevant information and easily understandable examples to drive your point home. Good job.

Writing Feedback / Happiness is extremely crucial to people's life, there are several methods to increase it [4]

Tapir, a direct response essay tests your current events and exposure to popular opinion and information. It is not an essay that will be scored well when you always say "according to a recent survey" or "according to a recent study from Harvard University". You do realize that you will not be able to do research at the testing center right? There will not be a computer that you can use to do that. That's why you have to rely on your personal insight, understanding, and definition of what happiness is all about and how to achieve it. Just all the other essay tests, this is a single personal opinion essay. So you will score downward because of your reliance on researched information that, in one instance, doesn't even have an actual source.

Now remember, the opening paraphrase still relies on the 3-5 sentence format for the paragraph in order to help increase, not decrease your TA and C&C score. You failed to do that in the opening and closing paragraph of this essay so expect points deductions for improper paraphrasing on both ends for your essay. Keep in mind that the concluding summary is expected to repeat the important reasons or discussions in your essay as a closing presentation to the reader. It should never be only 1-2 sentences long in either instance.

Writing Feedback / Money plays an important role in deciding on a career. Salary importance. [3]

Nguyen, this is an extent essay that requires a measurement of response or emotional response to the prompt. This is not a direct discussion essay as you have it presented in your prompt paraphrase paragraph. While you did disagree, there is a lack of measurement or emotion in your response, making it only partly responsive to the prompt provided. Look at the mistake that you made:

Prompt: To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Response: I disagree that money plays an important role in deciding on a career.

Based on the content of your body of paragraphs, your more appropriate response should have been:

I partly agree with this statement because...

In order to create a stronger discussion, present your discussion / 3 body paragraphs in the following manner next time:

Par. 2 - Reason you disagree with the statement. 1 topic with full supporting explanations and sample.

Par. 3 - Reason you agree with the statement. Make sure to fully explain yourself with examples if required. One topic only as well.

Par. 4 - Opinion that combines the two reasons into a balanced example of why both aspects of the agreement and disagreement are correct.

Following this example would further strengthen your position of standing in the middle when it comes to supporting the best and worst of the 2 arguments. BTW, remember to properly summarize the discussion presentation in your concluding statement next time. Look at examples of how to do that in the other essays provided at this forum.

Writing Feedback / Ielts 1: Pie charts. The online sale section in Canada in 2005 and 2010. [3]

Minh this is a pretty solid analysis of the pie chart. You covered all of the bases for presentation except 2 parts. In the first paragraph / summary overview, you failed to indicate the 4 retail sectors as part of the required information. So the electronics and appliance, food and beverage, home furnishings, and video games should have been included in that outline.

You also do not have a clear trending statement at the end that indicates how, over the 5 year period, the growing trend was an increase in the sales of food and beverages in the online retail sector. It would have been alright to repeat the information in more specific detail in the next paragraph because the first paragraph is only a summary of the information to be presented anyway. You could have even offered a comparison trending statement that informed the reader that the trend was a growth in the F&B sector and a decline in home furnishing sales over the 5 year period.

Undergraduate / "Eureka!" feeling. TAMU Topic A Statement of Purpose Industrial Engineering [4]

Thomas, having read the whole essay twice, I can safely say that I cannot find an actual purpose in your presentation in relation to industrial engineering. I mean, where is the reason? Is there a statement of purpose prompt that you are responding to which you forgot to include with this essay? If so then you should have provided it along with your writing. In truth, what you wrote is more of a personal statement and a transfer statement rather than a statement of purpose. Unless, you are writing a statement of purpose for university transfer? There are so many ways that a college statement of purpose can go that I need to first be clear about the type of statement of purpose for college that you are supposed to be writing.

If you are writing this as a simple statement of purpose, then you did not do a very good job because, like I previously mentioned, you did not really explain why you want to become and industrial engineer aside from your belief that this career will be a good fit for you. If I were writing this essay, the "Eureka!" moment would have been a stand alone paragraph that contained the reason / purpose for my desire to become an industrial engineer. I would have used that moment to explain why I believe this career is for me based upon a forward thinking idea related to the profession that I believe can change the way the work is discharged within the profession. That would be the reason why I would wish to pursue this course as a college degree at the moment. Right now, that is sorely missing in this essay.

Writing Feedback / The number of students at university in the UK from 1991 to 2001 [3]

Yen, this is a very well developed and clearly presented analysis of the pie chart, line graph, and chart table. Your information, based on each provided illustration shows a deep analysis of the given information and the explanations are valid and related to the discussions. If there is one thing missing in your overall presentation though, it would have to be the trending statement. I do not see one in the overview or individual paragraphs for each of the provided measurement figures. Based on my analysis of each illustration, each image has a developing trend based on the numbers provided.

The middle class was the growing trend for students enrolled based on economic background, there was a decrease in government funding for the students enrolled, and the number of students enrolled showed an increasing trend. All of these information should have been part of the summary overview that you presented. This could have been presented as a single complex sentence at the end of the first paragraph or at the end of the essay if you wished to. Either way, it is a required part of the presentation that you neglected to properly present.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 2: It is better to live in vertical city than horizontal city. [3]

Huyen, there is no way of putting this gently. My observation is that you are capable of understanding the prompt question but, you are not able to respond in the manner recommended by the prompt. You must make sure that your thesis response at the end of the prompt paraphrase in paragraph one is always an accurate response or interpretation of the original prompt instructions. In this instance, the original question you were asked to respond to is :

Discuss both view and give your opinion.

The thesis interpretation that you wrote was:
Although both kinds of residential properties serve a number of advantages, however, I believe the latter prevails over the former.

Your interpretation was that of an advantage/disadvantage with personal opinion discussion instead of the more appropriate dual opinion discussion with personal opinion.

The correct interpretation of the original prompt is therefore:

There are some residents who opine that horizontal city living is the most appropriate kind of living arrangement. Others prefer to live in a vertical city. These two points of view shall be analyzed in this essay. I will also be presenting my personal opinion towards the end of the discussion essay.

Almost all IELTS test takers use the term "debate" to signify the form of discussion presented in the essay. Unless the term "argument" is used, all of the thoughts and ideas presented in the original prompt are based on opinions and discussions. Therefore, similar themed words (synonyms) should be used rather than the more controversial and exaggerated term "debate" or "argument".

Due to your error in representing the original discussion, your TA score will not be higher than a 1 due to an unrelated response to the task provided. You will be scored accordingly on the remaining paragraphs that represent the proper discussion method though. This would create the remaining scores for you based on the rest of the criteria:

C&C , 3 - You present individual ideas without really explaining them. You also fail to recognize that these are public points of view thus making it come across as part of your personal opinion statement which is supposed to be the last body paragraph in the presentation. These create unrelated discussions in a single prompt which leaves the paragraph lacking in meaning or connectedness in terms of the discussions contained.

LR, 4 - You are trying to use advanced English words in your essay but, rather than creating a coherent sentence, it usually comes across as confusing and stressful to the reader because you do not clearly depict the meaning of the word in the sentence being presented. An example for this problem is:


- I do not think contaminate is the word you should be using here. However, I am not sure what it is that you are trying to say. I am sure the term makes sense and fits the description of your native word, but it does not translate the same way in English.

LR , 5 - You attempt a balanced mix of simple and complex sentences. However, you have a number of grammatical errors that make the paragraphs difficult for the reader to understand in the first reading. Several readings are required before the reader can fully understand what you are trying to say, or still be confused by it. This is because of the lack of coherence and cohesiveness throughout your paragraphs as well.

Writing Feedback / The line chart illustrates the rate of smoking among males and females in Someland from 1960 to 2000 [6]

Nguyen, you definitely met the minimum word count and even went over by one word. However simply meeting the word count does not mean that you will pass the test when you do not follow the required format nor deliver on an analytical report of the presented line graph. You did not really write a summary overview, nor did you provide an acceptable trending statement. This essay was written in a rush and did not give much thought to actually working on an academic presentation in order to meet a passing mark. You only wrote for the sake of writing in this instance, which is definitely a bad way of writing a task 1 essay. I know this is your first time writing a Task 1 essay so let me offer you some advice as to how to best deliver the 4 paragraph format.

1st Paragraph (Summary Overview):
1. Topic statement
2. Measurement type
3. Measurement brackets
4. Trending statement

Example:

A line graph has been provided for comparison and review purposes. It indicates information regarding the number of male and female smokers in Someland. A red line measures the male smokers and the red line measures the female smokers. The smokers are measured per gender at a rate of 1,000 people based on a 5 year comparison covering the years of 1960 up to 2000. The trend shows a decrease in male smokers from 1960 to 2000 and an increase in female smokers over the same period.

2nd - 4th Paragraph:

Do a measurement comparison for both genders over a 15 year period. Mention the individual then the group comparisons. Make sure to note any similar measurement ranges. Never discuss all of the information in a single paragraph. That creates confusion for the reader and portrays an under developed discussion of the given information. Paragraph formatting is important for coherence and cohesiveness. Split up the paragraphs into discussions covering 15 years at a time (e.g. 1960 +1965+1970 = 1 paragraph discussion) There is no need for a discussion as this is a paraphrasing of given information. There is no conclusion to be made.

Writing Feedback / Some people think the government funding should not be used for supporting art and culture [2]

Truong, this essay is only partially correct in responding to the prompt requirements. The main problems your presentation has are as follows:
1. Irrelevant prompt paraphrase in the first paragraph
2. Improper formation of the personal opinion paragraph
3.Underdeveloped summary conclusion

These 3 problems can very well result in a partial score for this essay that will not be near the passing mark due to the problematic sentence structures, overly simple English vocabulary and a lack of coherence, cohesion, and transition sentences in the paragraphs which could have resulted in a much better presentation of the topic for discussion.

For comparison purposes, let's look at what the original prompt for the discussion is:

Question: Discuss both views and give your own opinion
Response: In my opinion, I believe that the advantages of aiding the cultural activities are far more outweighed than the disadvantages .

Where exactly does the advantage disadvantage discussion come in? It is clear from the discussion instruction / question that you are changing the prompt requirement, causing a prompt deviation, and not responding to the question in the proper manner. That means you will get a failing score for the TA section. However, since the rest of your body paragraphs are related to the original instruction in response, you will receive a partial score for those sections. However, not passing the TA section means that it will be difficult for you to gain an overall passing score based on the remaining criteria.

Here is a sample of how to properly paraphrase the given prompt:

There is a discussion as to whether the government should be offering financial support for the promotion of the culture and arts in a given country. Others opine that the government finances would be better spend on other projects. While the other opinion is that the government funding is necessary in order to properly expose the citizens to the country's traditions. This essay will review both points of view after which, I shall present my own opinion on the matter.

Since this is not a direct question essay, you are not allowed to begin the discussion in the first paragraph. That paragraph is meant only for the prompt paraphrase in relation proving your English comprehension and vocabulary skills from the very beginning of your writing. A mere repeat or explanation of what you understand the original instructions to mean or require for discussion is all that is required.

You are creating redundancies in the essay. Your second paragraph is a complete repeat of the prompt paraphrase again. It also runs beyond the maximum sentence requirement of 5 sentences. This was caused by you repeating of the prompt paraphrase and not actually having a discussion topic for this particular body paragraph. You need to learn that in order to write an effective paragraph you need to use less words that have more meaning in relation to what you want to say. Create clear and concise paragraphs of no more than 5 sentences each.

Your personal opinion in this instance should not be in the form of an "extent" essay as the opinion being asked of you is whether or not the government should spend on culture and art projects. It is not asking if you agree or disagree and to what extent. The correct response should have been contained in a stand alone personal opinion paragraph that indicates, "I believe that the government should continue spending on arts and culture projects because..." There is no agree/ disagree in this instance. An original opinion instead, is what is required as a response.

The concluding paragraph is always required to be a summary of the previous discussion and a restatement of the prompt thesis, along with your personal opinion. That is, for this type of essay. This means that your closing paragraph is not only lacking in the required sentences, but also does not close the discussion because you offered new information in this section. Which means the essay is open ended instead of concluded. An open ended essay means the last paragraph presents new information, but without ample explanation nor relation to the summary of the discussion.

Writing Feedback / Some people were born with their special talent, others must be trained to gain such skills [4]

Tuong, you have not written the appropriate amount of words for this essay to be a completely developed and accurate Task 2 presentation for an IELTS test. The minimum number of words that you should be writing for this type of essay is 250 words. You wrote a total of 180 words only. This lack of word requirement will result in a failing score for this essay.

The reason the essay will fail is because you have not appropriately explained all of the reasoning in the paragraphs you presented. Your opening statement is not a correct paraphrase of the original prompt, your 3 body paragraphs are not properly developed and lack the 3-5 sentence requirement per paragraph, and your concluding statement is not an appropriate concluding summary for the task either. These are the main scoring considerations that led to a failing score for the essay along with the minimum word requirement.

For your reference, it would be best if you review the work of the other students here in order to familiarize yourself with the task 2 essay writing methods, discussion styles, and other requirements. I guarantee that you will improve tremendously after you read, remember, and practice writing your next practice essay based upon previous advice given to other students.

Don't get me wrong though. I see a tremendous amount of potential in your writing that could lead to your becoming a passing exam taker. You just need to further develop your writing and reasoning skills in order to achieve that. Those are skills I can help you improve over time.

Undergraduate / Common App Application — Prompt 6 2018-19 "A Lifelong Fascination" - The depths of cosmos [2]

Ilya, this essay is a personal statement that describes the development of your interest in space exploration and other related topics. It is not a description of a related activity that makes you lose track of time, engages you to the point of captivation, and pushes you to learn more from other sources. A good example of a topic for discussion in this essay will be stargazing.

As a person with an interest in space and the cosmos, you should be enthralled by the opportunity to watch the stars on a clear night. How does that make you lose track of time? Why is that of interest to you? How do you deepen your knowledge about stars aside from simply watching them? The response to this essay should be in the form of a related hobby which helps to further develop your interest in the cosmos. It should not be a discussion of your personal emotions in relation to the lack of development in the area of space exploration in your country.

Writing Feedback / Convenience foods and people's health [4]

Hang, this essay would only get a score of 2 in the TA section, which means the essay will automatically fail the Task 2 essay test. The reason that this essay will fail the test is because you misunderstood the prompt discussion requirement. Please look at the comparison below of the original prompt instruction for the discussion and what you did in the essay:

Question: To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Response: ...convenience foods and traditional methods of food preparation are replaced because of many reason:

It is at that very point that you failed the essay test. While your body of paragraphs could have been accepted as the reasons why you agree with the statement, your prompt response was totally out of focus. It is nowhere near responding properly to the original prompt question. As such, the TA score will be a 2 because you do not express an opinion in response to the provided task. In fact, you barely respond to the task.

Writing Feedback / The bar graph shows the global sales of different types of digital games between 2000 and 2006. [4]

Tapir, the overview summary needs to be at least 3 sentences long. You do not have a complete prompt overview in this instance. The examiner will be looking for the following information in the summary paragraph:

1. Type of chart
2. Games for comparison
3. Measurement type (billions)
4. Years covered (2000-2006)
5. Trending statement

Follow the above format for all the Task 1 type essays of the chart comparison kind when presenting the summary overview.

There is a distinct possibility that this essay can receive a failing score because, although you presented more than 150 words, you are presenting the information in a single paragraph composed purely of run-on sentences. Divide the information into more readable paragraphs of 3-5 sentences each in order to make the essay easier to read and also, cause less stress for the reader who needs to understand what you wrote and take note of important discussion and comparison points.

The information you provide is incomplete. You must present the information on a per bracket basis (2000-2003, 2003-2006) and then focus on 2004 in a separate paragraph because of the equal line comparison point for mobile phone and online games. Remember, graph charts always require comparison points as part of the analytical report.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 2: Commenting and criticising in class to improve educational quality [3]

Huyen, here is my opinion / possible scoring consideration for your essay:

TA - 5
Good work with the prompt paraphrase. However, I would refrain from using the term argument and instead, refer to the topic as a "debate" in this instance. That is because the term "argument" was already used in the original prompt. If the word has already been used as a keyword in the prompt, then you need to find a synonym or different word with the same meaning for it, in your version of the prompt / prompt paraphrase.

Your concluding paragraph is not an accurate discussion summary. You presented new areas for discussion rather than simply rounding out the discussion with a concise listing of opinions and reasons from the body paragraph. So your concluding paragraph is faulty.

C&C - 5

Your second paragraph lacks further development. Your example does not provide a proper supporting scenario for the previous discussion in the paragraph. You need at least 1 more explanatory sentence to truly clarify what you were trying to say in this paragraph. The third paragraph is an inaccurate exaggeration. Having students criticize their professors will not result in a threat to mankind. You need to use more transition sentences going from one paragraph to the next. You also need to clarify that you are referring to popular points of view in the discussion for the prompt POV's. Use terms such as "Some students feel..." for one paragraph then "Other students argue that..." just to clarify the source of the point of view which should be public knowledge and information prior to your personal opinion.

LR - 6

You make good use of the English language in this essay. You use enough advanced English words to describe opinions and other points of view. While not always perfect, most of the words that you use are appropriate for the discussion. Except, as I mentioned earlier, in the portions where you exaggerate the terms and presentations in the essay.

GRA - 6

You have a pretty good English sentence structure in this essay. Though sometimes improperly structured, your use of complex sentences are enough to create an acceptable mix with the simple sentences. You do not have any run-on or extremely long sentences, which helped to boost your score in this essay.

Writing Feedback / Employers should not care about the way their employees dress - the work quality is more important [2]

Nguyen, please do not write exaggerations in the essay. Unless there is actually an argument being presented in the original prompt, do not use terms such as "emerging debate". If you review the topic for discussion, the term used is "Some people think...". The keyword here is "think", which implies a thoughtful discussion of an opinion. That is highly different from the term "argument" which can be paraphrased as a "debate".

In the first paragraph, your second reason should be the topic sentence instead of a last sentence. Being the last sentence in the paragraph, you were not able to explain your second reason fully. However, it shows a direct connection to the discussion you present in the paragraph so it should be located somewhere at the start of the paragraph. It should be either the first or second sentence in the presentation.

Your comma use is incorrect. If you are only presenting 2 connected items or descriptions, use the word "and". When presenting several similar terms, use a comma. Any sentence presentation of a list over 3 words should use a comma. 2 words, use the word "and" instead.

Good work on the summarized conclusion. It is a highly creative manner of presenting the concise discussion previously presented.

Letters / Making a reservation for the October weekend in a hotel, with a view on the sea. [3]

Hassan, you have the presentation of information all reversed in your letter. You are also prone to using the word "And" at the start of sentences. Since this is a connecting word, it should be used in the middle of a sentence in order to properly connect 2 separate but related ideas. I think that in this instance, it would be best to show you how this letter should have been written to provide you with a proper example for your future reference.

Dear Sir / Madam;

My name is Hassan Rafiee. I would like to make a room reservation for my family covering 4 days and 3 nights for the dates of October 20-23, 2018. Kindly email me information about room availability at your hotel for the said dates. I am interested in a family room with a sea view, internet access, a mini-bar, and centralized air-conditioning. If possible, I would also appreciate some information about activities and places of interest near the hotel such as restaurants, museums, and other tourist destinations.

Kindly email all of the requested information to hrafiee@

I am looking forward to booking my family stay at your hotel.

Sincerely,

Graduate / Write an essay to a college or graduate school classifying the abilities and talents you possess [2]

Duc Trung, this is not a very well developed college application essay. While it is understandable in most instances, you really do a very bad job when it comes to developing the proper sentence structure. While it does address the prompt requirements, it does so in a manner that doesn't aim to impress the reviewer. It is almost as if you are just writing to meet the requirement and nothing more. While I understand that you are just writing this as part of your English skills development, you need to take the drafting and editing of this paper seriously. You also need to understand the difference between a college course major and the occupation that goes along with it.

You need to discuss this essay from a first person point of view. Rather than using the term "me" use the more formal reference of "I" which will also indicate a present timeline in the essay rather than the non specific time pronouncement in your current essay. Since this is for a college application, The first part of your essay should use a past reference such as "I have been" or "I excelled at" and the second part should indicate present inclinations such as "I am currently..." or "I am proficient in..." and other similar present time references.

College admissions officers dislike reading misleading information such as "I really into technology when I was five years old." No matter how tech savvy a child is, a real understanding of technology and its accompanying concepts does not come into play until the child is at least high school age. Never make a reference to making a career choice during a time when you were still barely out of diapers. A reviewer would automatically trash your essay upon reading such outlandish declarations. Be realistic without exaggerating things. Honesty is the most important part of a college application because this is considered a formal interview.

Speaking of which, Cyber Security is the college major, a graduate of this course is a cyber security expert / officer/ developer. Any of those 3 position references would have been the more proper reference to what you wish to become upon graduation.

Your reference to your English language expertise in the essay is so faulty, you should not even mention that you have an IELTS certification because people will wonder how you passed the test with such bad grammar. Instead, Indicate that you have an ability to read in English and translate to your native tongue. Rather than the implication at the moment which is that you can read in your native tongue and accurately translate it to English. Remember, you are supposed to highlight your skills. So when your reference is obviously inaccurate, it creates a question of truth behind the information.

Sports is not a skill you have. Sports is something that you do for a hobby. You have skill in the sport of tennis, swimming, basketball, volleyball, chess, etc. In reference to basketball, you do not win tournaments alone, you win it as a team. So this should illustrate your ability for teamwork instead.

Unfortunately, this essay doesn't come across as highly believable and leaves some major questions on the part of the reviewer, which makes this an extremely weak essay that could very well put your college application in the decline list. Work on using connecting words, transition sentences, and also try to do more sentence development practice tests such as online fill in the blanks to complete sentences exercises. Those are available for free.

Undergraduate / Astronauts and Planets - Common APP Writing section |Prompt 6| [2]

Sayan, common app essays cannot be more than 650 words long. You have 655 words so that means if you try to submit this essay electronically, you will not be able to complete the process. You will need to edit the essay in order to come in below the maximum or at the maximum word count. Having reviewed your essay though, I can tell you that there is a lot of work to be done before it can be finalized in content, and that, is a good thing because you will have a chance to lower your word count to a more acceptable level.

Your essay doesn't really respond well to the prompt. You have both relevant and irrelevant discussions in the essay. If you remove the irrelevant parts and keep only the relevant paragraphs, you will be able to either revise the essay to become far more prompt responsive or, you can use the existing paragraphs, give it a little clean up, then submit those paragraphs as your final essay.

In case you are wondering, I believe that the usable paragraphs in this essay are paragraph numbers 1,4, and 5. These are the paragraphs that I feel best reflect the required elements of the prompt that you can work with to further expand the discussion, in line with the prompt requirements. You can use these paragraphs as the basis of the revised and improved essay or, you can use the themes from the paragraphs to write a new essay. The choice is actually yours. Just remember to keep it under 650 words.

Writing Feedback / Essay about how should we file the complaint that is most effective? [3]

Vincent, although you made a wise choice in choosing to complain over the phone, you did not support your stance in a convincing manner. You spoke of many things, but none of which connected with the reason why placing a complaint over the phone is the most advantageous in your opinion. You need to present reasons that support your stance such as:

1. One does not need to go to the shop to file a complaint which would mean losing important time to do other things to travel time to and from the shop.

2. All items these days have toll free numbers where a person can call to ask for help in using an item or file a complaint regarding a broken item / enforce an item warranty.

3. Even if a person does not have a landline phone, he can file his complaint using his mobile phone.
4. You speak to the company representative directly instead of a salesperson at the store so your complaint is resolved much sooner than if you had gone back to the store.

Other similar justifications regarding phone complaint benefits would have properly supported your given opinion. At this point, none of your reasons align with the required discussion for your chosen method of complaining to a company.