Poetry / Any topic related to: Whitman, Dickinson, Yeats, Frost, Stevens, or Eliot [4]

Great avice from Jeanie, that is what I was going to say!

All those poets are so DIFFERENT! How can we compare them? It's better to read some of their work. No, on second thought, check out Eliot!!

You can read articles about his poems. Google a title and put the word analysis in your search.

poets.org/poet.php/prmPID/18

Undergraduate / UF essay- "New perspective from a close experience" [5]

Yes, delete "the" and keep "swung on swings."

Sorry I'm late!

Yes it makes sense, no you should not put this instead, no, yes into a hospital is better, yes him, condition.

This is well-written! Sorry I was too late to help before you submitted it!!

Undergraduate / unfamiliar teenagers - BROWN SUPP. Best Advice [5]

It will be great if, at the end, you reflect on the advice and talk about it, using the word advice to acknowledge their prompt. Make it formally, clearly answer the question in that last paragraph.

However, it is fine as it is! I love the hide and seek at the start! Use a comma:
Ready or not, here I ...

Undergraduate / Rutgers Essay about benefiting from and contributing to its community [3]

I think you should write seventeen instead of 17.

In academics, I've always been talented with subjects that are more logical or involve more concrete reasoning.

Very good stuff here. Not the first paragraph, though, it is sort of weak because of being so general. I think you should grab the attention at the start with a short, thoughtful sentence. go back and try to capture the main theme of the essay in that first paragraph -- in a fascinating way.

Undergraduate / Page 271 of my autobiography "This bus ride is about remembering" [8]

Wow, this is so good!!

...that's how long it took to put...

Excellent, this is such a good one. I really like this:

Yes, I remembered.

I hope you'll share your talent by suggesting excellent strategies to a few members whose threads are unanswered. There are lots of them right now! And you have a gift for narrative.

Undergraduate / MY DREAM TO BECOME A BALLERINA AND OVERCOME BEING SHY UCLA PROMPT 2 [4]

Use the word "introversion." It is a good word.

Use a colon, not semi-colon, because a colon means "more to come."
There was just one problem: I had an extreme case of introversion .

Use a comma:
I had already turned down two trips , but this time ...

From that single experience, I was able to change so much, and...

Nice job! Nice rhythm.

Undergraduate / UF Admissions Essay - Meaningful Event - Left by Dad [2]

Great job! I found some corrections to make here:

I didn't realize it at that time that I was never going to see him again.
This was the most meaningful event in my life. This event alone changed me overnight, and it still follows me today.

After this point, you say "this" over and over. You could vary it some.

I'm sorry, I think your deadline is already passed! Sorry I was late.

Undergraduate / "Making a change for the better, a photo at a time."-UF adm. essay [6]

"My experience in my photo class has been a brilliant experience so far, and has already made a change in my perspective on life. I've learned how, when I look at a scene or an object, how I can effectively photograph it.

I think you should type the words instead of numbers, two instead of 2.

Undergraduate / leadership and team working skills, why they must choose me? [3]

Besides playing games and participating in volunteering jobs, last summer I worked as the assistant of financial analyst in local bank.

In my opinion this event determined my future life. Before this event I had always been interested in financial world and insurance sphere. My boss guided me to the stock market. Also, my boss taught me how to collect data for analysis, process statistical applications and make predictions. I started to read books about trading for approximately 8 months ago ; my first book was called "100 Great Deals in the World History". After reading this book, I really inspired and ready to act. These activities give me valuable experience as well as satisfaction of hard work.

Currently I am studying in a Kazakh-Turkish high school for gifted boys. It offered me a multi-cultural education. A myriad of cultures and traditions meet together in one school.

WOW, you know 4 languages!!??

...would regard my admission to the University of Texas at Austin not only as a great excellence of your program, but also an opportunity to integrate with your university's has a great deal multitude of international students f rom all over the World.

Brilliant. Maybe you should also study linguistics.

Sammiepuddle, thanks for getting those other 2 paragraphs!

Undergraduate / How my life has shaped me towards a career in robotics- UC application essay. [5]

Some people think "over" is not quite right:
Being one of more than 1.5 billion Indians in the world, it could ...

But that is not really wrong.

Below, I kind of want to tie this last sentence with what you said at the start of the paragraph:
...and I am much better equipped to know what is best for the promote solution in the world than I would be if I had only experienced one culture. many of my less-traveled peers are.

Undergraduate / UF Admissions Essay -- Boarding School [5]

...was not only challenging but also turned out to be rewarding.

It was a little awkward. You can use "turned out to be" in another sentence now, if you want to. It is a nice phrase, albeit cliche.

Your use of commas is excellent.

Here is a good example of how writing can be more powerful if you kill the adjectives and adverbs:
I will be able to jump into college campus life quickly with zest and join clubs such as community service clubs and international clubs.

I think zest is a silly word, but that is just me! :)

Undergraduate / University of Texas- Transfer to Comp Sci Statement of Purpose [4]

I had this idea:

The answer is complex and varied, but the central interest is knowledge.

I'll add a comma, but it actually is not necessary... just nice for rhythm:
Being older, and hopefully a bit wiser, I am now pursuing the interest that is closest to my heart.

That is just an idea, not necessarily better.

I like this, and I think the adult admissions professional will appreciate it, too. All adults respect an adult who shares that advanced perspective, retrospection.

You could make it more impressive if you cite recent advancements that excite you, gurus whose work you enjoy, and your specific goals in Comp sci.

Undergraduate / The Aurora Borealis [5]

I had the idea, while reading this, that it will be better if you use more image words -- words that enable the reader to see a picture clearly -- especially near the start.

Undergraduate / Strange admission essay questions (University of Victoria - social work program) [3]

The first one says they want to make sure the applicants really do have aspirations that are consistent with their philosophy of social work. Write an essay about your interpretation of their Mission Statement, but disguise that interpretation as a presentation about your own SPECIFIC career goals.

If I were you, I would come up with specific social work roles you want to play -- counseling? If so, what kind? existential? REBT? Cognitive?

I almost feel like I should not explain the second one, because that is part of the challenge! But I'll give you a hint: scribd.com/doc/6965723/empty-your-cup

Let me see what you come up with!! Remember that a counselor needs to be nonjudgmental in all situations... can you really be nonjudgmental as you counsel a murderer?

Writing Feedback / Descriptive Essay: The Mall; 'Everything about the mall just makes me happy' [7]

No need to start with sentence fragments. You could write:
Hundreds of different stores, teenagers walking around texting on their blackberries, overpriced T-shirts; me waiting in line -- all I go to this place very often; come together to create an environment I know well: the mall.

But your way is okay, too, as long as the teacher allows poetic use of fragments.

The way to write good descriptive essays is to try to be rhythmic like Shakespeare, or Stephen King, and use words and make the reader feel feelings.

Your job is to make the reader feel the feelings and see the stuff.

:)

Undergraduate / "My real estate bubble" - Stanford essay #1 & "Why I want to go to Stanford" [5]

I don't think every Stanford applicant has determination. Determination is rare.

Grammar, Usage / Transition question (Christian philosopher...) [2]

Hi there, if you need help with a transition, I have to see 2 things. Show me 2 things and I'll give you ideas for transitioning from one to another.

Maybe I am misunderstanding you; are you looking for ideas about what to write about this?

Oh, I see that you actually did show me 2 things. You actually dont need a transition here; you can just let that sentence (about music being with us) follow the quote as your explanation of it. then, continue by talking about the ways in which it is true. Can you list them?

Music is with us always, because rhythm is with us always. Start from there.

Undergraduate / Common App essay - bicycling the country [2]

I'm really sorry I didn't get to this in time! I hope you do well. If you still have not submitted it for some reason, I suggest writing the numbers (i.e. six instead of 6).

In that last paragraph, you might change "talk" to "write" because it is not a speech anymore... but that is no big deal.

Your days are committed to simplest of human actions- moving from point A to point B. -----> I really like tis sentence! Looks like it is preceded by a dash, though, instead of a period?

Awesome, this is well-structures and every paragraph is presented with confidence and clarity.

Undergraduate / Northwestern- my kind of soup [2]

Great use of colons and semi-colons in that first paragraph. Take out the word "underlying" if you want, because I think it is distracting and not helpful.

I really like the first paragraph.

Don't say dedicated professors, sounds like a brochure. Instead, name some of them! :-)

You can improve this by adding a few key sentences to give examples of specific ways you will "make use of" resources here to advance you as a cultural anthropologist.

I am really impressed with your approach. Please give some ideas to others and consider establishing yourself as an EF Contributor (looks good on applications, only takes a couple minutes each week)

Graduate / Questions regarding SOP (lenght, research) [2]

The length varies a lot. Undergrads often write shorter ones than grad student applications. Two pages might be safe.

I think you should briefly mention having contemplated med school, and then focus on giving lots of details about your academic intentions, your professional intentions -- as if you have your whole life planned out.

Consider Chinese Medicine, it's got the most profound truths I have ever read...study The Body Electric by Becker to find out why acupuncture works.

Undergraduate / My World and Background + My Favorite Personal Quality --- UC Essay! [10]

I know that since I have the right personality I will be for achieving success in this field.

Writing Feedback / sending criminals in jail or offering them education & job training [3]

Don't use weak, vague words like "them" when you can be more descriptive:
The traditional punishment for the criminal is to put the offender in jail for...

Of course , that... period of the time need to depend on how serious ...

People committing a crime must have their own reasons. For instance, a man stealing money perhaps has different causations, for the ...

Instead of letting them stay in prison and do nothing , why not to let them to learn s omething ...

You still have trouble with the verbs, but the essay has wisdom. You should read some articles about prisoner education and cite them; that will be even more impressive.

Undergraduate / "Teaching Kids, Who Ended Up, Teaching Me" [4]

No need for the commas in your title. No need for one here either:
...noticed they didn't have was a chorus.

Hey, you did not really write about them teaching you. Can you add 2 sentences to the first paragraph to explain what lessons they taught? What excellent qualities did they demonstrate? Maybe appreciation ofr simple things, or maybe how to be happy despite problems? Write about this at the beginning AND end.

Undergraduate / I am an open minded individual ; UMD College Park/ Diversity [6]

Hyun Young, you should give a little more time to offering ideas here if you want this person to look at yours. You have important ideas to contribute, too!

I see that you gave some GREAT feedback in other threads.

Undergraduate / CommonApp - Personal Essay - Topic of Your Choice - "Believing is Achieving" [3]

That's a little harsh. Parallelism can sometimes be subtly sidestepped, as contrast and rhythm also have importance.

The whistle blows. The crowd is cheering, and the coach is screaming; my heart beats with intensity, and...

Oh, I think you need to give some thought to topic sentences. It is interesting to look at each paragraph of your own essay and say, "what is the main point I am making wih this paragraph?" Ask yourself that question, and whatever the answer is, that is your topic sentence to tack on to the beginning of the paragraph.

:-)

Undergraduate / our legal justice system is faulty!! [13]

Awesome, you write very well and this is an important issue. If you get a chance to write more about this, I recommend this book:

amazon.com/Crazy-Fathers-Through-Americas-Madness/dp/0399153 136

It is about mental health and prison, and it will really give you lots of inspiration and ideas.

You can use it in your future studies, or you can even refer to it in this essay in order to show that you have done some reading.

Undergraduate / GLBT issue involvement stems from minor assault - UF essay [3]

It was a One morning in the fall of my 8th grade year that forever changed my outlook on life.

No need for a comma here:
"gay repellant",

No need for commas hre either:
...though our teachers and her parents were kept unaware.

You did a great thing! Congratulations for being among the tolerant and wise. You are more than that; you took a stand, and that is great.

I suggest taking out the reference to Catholicism, because many Catholics are indeed tolerant despite the views of some other Catholics. I don't want you to accidentally offend the person who reads this essay. I hope the person who reads this essay has as much wisdom as you and is not among the judgmental.

Graduate / the National Natural Science Foundation - help with wording and sentence revise. [4]

...breakage between rubber and subsidiary body under the action of cyclic stress, and I carry out numerical analysis. The whole implementation has been tested and is under processing.

Ha ha, they have to accept your application! You are some kind of genius for being able to write about this stuff.

I understand what you mean about not knowing what to write next. It is always good to write about your specific goals for the college years and afterwards. Give details as if your whole life is planned out. Name specific professors with whom you'd like to study.

Writing Feedback / help revise wording or grammer, about aero-model [2]

Wow, very impressive.

you started 2 sentences with "By." How about this for the second one:
We took full advantage of the mechanical properties of different materials, and this enabled us to enhance...

I suggest a short sentence at the beginning so the reader is not hit hard right away with all the info. Omit "June 2008" as an unnecessary detail that taxes the reader's attention.

Undergraduate / U of M: describe your interests and aspirations in engineering. [12]

It is here that I will be able to combine my interests in math and science and my ventures to help society.

You are doing great. The details make it so impressive. It is great that you don't make that common mistake of writing an essay full of generalities.

Comma:
While I enjoy building things, I also fancy chemistry and medicine.

Undergraduate / Infinities of Chess, 150 word common application short answer. [10]

Chess is among the best , it not only because it challenges one's brain but also because it builds sportsmanship and friendship.

Perhaps it is a universe of its own, with pieces that represent phenomenon, and perhaps it has its own universals laws called the "rules of game." ---> awesome sentence!!!!

It's also a war on the board, but it can also be thought of as art, science and sport. Every game played teaches a lesson.

Excellent!!! It is a great choice, and you did very well writing it!!!

Undergraduate / Essay on my own novel, creativity, and physics [5]

I'm very sorry I didn't get to help before the deadline had passed. Luckily, though, this is some kind of perfect composition. You don't need my help; we need your help, please check out the EF_Contributor page.

The way you used a colon at the end was elegant and powerful, great jog, you have a very useful talent as a "wordsmith."

Undergraduate / "I plan to excel in the field of nursing" - My response to the UCLA prompt 1 [14]

I think it's great that you got rid of the word basically. Never use that word, not in speech, writing, telepathy, or any other form of communication.

:-)

Same with "hobby." Bad word. But it's bad for a different reason. "Basically" is bad, because, basically, it shows that you can't figure out how to capture your own full meaning. It's like a disclaimer that says, "I don't know how to explain this effectively." The word hobby is bad, because it sounds like something unimportant... like a pastime. If something is worth doing, it is worth being passionate about, because every day is sacred.

Sorry for the rant!!! I also want to say that I am impressed with all the work you did and all the great feedback here.

Undergraduate / "Do you want to pull the plug?" Prompt #2: Tell us about a personal quality or experience [9]

I just noticed what I wrote above, and it I think I said it the wrong way. What I meant was that the essay will seem more impressive if you end it with uplifting thoughts and ideas, because it will show your resilience. It will show how you can see that it affected you.

Undergraduate / COLAGE and Advocacy, and Why Brown?--Common App and Supplement [4]

Oh, I see. In order to show them your brilliant skill in composition, it might be good to mention -- in the second sentence, maybe -- that the fact that you have 2 dads led to a meaningful extracurricular activity... because that way, it's like, they asked a question, and you answered directly, just like a good interviewee, and then you use the rest to explain.

I don't know if I said that clearly.. what I mean is that I think it is good to offer a clear answer to their question right at the start, in a clever way.

Undergraduate / Academic Community at UPenn [4]

A model UN certainly fits. And it doesn't matter, anyway, because once you have been an adult for a while you realize that the admissions people and the prof's and administration are all just human, so it's like... those kind of semantics are just as ambiguous to them as they are to us.

Google anything you find confusing:
communities at UPenn is what I googles, and I go tthis: sp2.upenn.edu/student_life/support.html

I think it is GREAT that you are going to give specific examples of communities you would like to join at the school. that is the kind of thing that lets them know you are really serious. All details help.

Undergraduate / "English Corner" Extracurricular Activity UIUC-prompt [4]

What made everyone feel uneasy? Was it that they did not know each other and spoke different languages?

That is the question that came to mind. Maybe you should add a sentence to explain why they were uneasy.

I feel proud of you, even though I don't know you! What always happened was this: Everyone would be seated around a chat-table, eyes staring at me and mouths shut, and I felt compelled to break the ice.

That sentence needed some help. I hope you like the way I changed it. See how I used a colon to fix it?

Good luck! You're doing great.

Undergraduate / Describe a meaningful event...UF application essay...Missions trip to Honduras. [5]

Oh, my mistake, it is 2 sentences. My point was that you should probably tell them how it affected you at the start with a powerful last sentence to that intro paragraph. THEN, begin the brilliant explanation. Finally, at the end, reflect on all of it. The explanation goes in the middle, and the intro & conclusion are reserved for thoughtful expressions of the main theme.

I hope that helps!!!

Undergraduate / Common App Essay - A Fatal Mistake [3]

I remember first meeting Turjoh in my brother's sixth grade class. I was fourteen years old, and...

I changed that first sentence because it had so much info that it became awkward.

Your brother's name is not necessary there...

Use a comma here: For days, my brother spoke of nothing but his new friend Turjoh, and I was...

Hey, that question you asked yourself at the end is not quite right, because you were indeed in the same situation and you responded admirably. Maybe you should rephrase it to say, "When I am in similar situations in the future, will I make the right decisions?"

This really is very impressive. I suggest cutting LOTS of the details in the first half, because they are not necessary. Writing is refined talking, so it should not include details that are irrelevant to the point of the story. Great job overall!!!!!!!

Undergraduate / u of i essay on engineering....academic interests/professional goals [3]

Always cut out unnecessary words unless they are interesting:
As a child growing up , I was always...

Okay, the first and last paragraphs are too short. the thing to do is give them details, details! You know how some students have clearer visions than others? You should read a lot online about the work of an aerospace engineer, and see what different types of projects they work on. you should write about where you would like to work, what you would like to do, and what articles have you been reading lately about aerospace engineering.

Present yourself as a student who is obsessed with it!