Undergraduate / Inspiration from musings over David Lynch. My columbia Short Answer Essay [6]

Hello, sorry it took so long. This has been a busy place!!

Why did you do a paragraph break after that first sentence?

I think you should add one or two more reasons why it is the best place for you -- so that it is not entirely based on an overheard conversation.

Also, it would be good to describe that overhearing of the conversation as a very memorable moment. The important thing was not what they said but the change that happened in you.

Undergraduate / Stanford's School of Business - it's a good place for you [2]

Its open-minded and diverse...

That sentence is where you first started responding to their question... more than half way through the essay! So, I think you should revise to make it so that you answer their question near the start. That is the challenge for you with this kind of essay.

It is so great that your dream is becoming a reality!!! I am excited for you.

However, when you write about why stanford is the place for you do not sound like a brochure!!! Instead, name some specific professors, and some specific resources at the school. Show them that you know more about Stanford than they do!!! That means you have to do some reading online.

Undergraduate / Lianhegonghui Volunteer League- extracurricular activity [4]

Hypnotize the reader with cool details.

At age fifteen, I spotted a wolf while hiking up Mount XXXX...

I was alone, and...

Years later, when I recalled this scary ...

Wow, exciting story!! I would have panicked.

Can you somehow make a connection between this experience and your resolve to succeed in college?

Essays / IELTS Writing "agree and disagree" [12]

When you write this kind of essay, it is a kind of persuasive essay, or "argumentative" essay, because you are arguing in favor of your opinion. When you write an argumentative essay, you should focus on the reasons why you have the opinion you have, and then, near the end, you should ALSO consider the "counter-argument."

Does that answer your question? Let's see what you write, and we'll make suggestions.

Undergraduate / What I Did When I Ran Away From Home [7]

Use a dash after "followed" in he beginning.

Also, the title might be improvable. What I Did While Running Away From Home

I don't know if that is better or not! :-)

You can cut it down to size by cutting out most of that second paragraph. How about cutting out everything before "The night seemed tailor-made..."

Then, put it together with the first paragraph, and see if you like it that way. I want the 1st paragraph to end with the revelation that school was where you ran to. How funny and cool!!

You have a great style. Please consider checking out the contributor page and maybe helping other people to write well...

Undergraduate / "Another sleepless night." - I became a hamlet! [4]

Nice!! capitalize Hamlet.

Undergraduate / FSU Essay - "Vires, Artes, Mores" ; Resilience has shaped me. [5]

Jean, thanks so much for the excellent contributions you make here!

Jessica, the way to improve this is to give more discussion of the theme they introduced. You can choose "strength" whichever one that is... oh, it's Vires. Mention it in the first paragraph.

During your discussion, speak in terms of this virtue, Vires. Also, tell how all three are involved in your process. Resilience is a good theme, for sure.

Keep the first sentence of the essay, but scrap the second one. Add a sentence to the end of the first paragraph to show that you understand the meaning of Vires.

:)

good luck!!!!

Book Reports / Having trouble developing a good thesis for The Iliad... [5]

I have to warn you, the thing about stealing someone's wife can seem sexist. It is as if you are addressing only men... or as if wars only involve men... or something...

At the start, you are "stating the obvious." It is strange that in composition people think it's okay to state the obvious, even though it usually sounds silly. You might want to improve the beginning by saying only original, unique things and not stating that war has many causes.

Hey, nice job with the MLA citations... okay, I see that this is not about war in general, but rather, about Homer's work, so change that first paragraph to introduce what the essay is really about. And to make it perfect, refer back to what you said in the first paragraph when you write the conclusion.

Great observations about Homer's writings!! That last sentence of the intro paragraph is one to keep... refer back to it at the end.

Letters / "don't want to scare you away" - Stanford Roommate Essay [6]

Awesome! You let your personality shine through very well. I like the fact that you used a metaphor, but "broken record" is cliche. Say something different... something else that never stops making a sound. A broken record is repetitive, but you are fascinating.

I hope this is not read by one of the people who don't like Obama... probably they will, though. Most people do.

You know, you could improve this a lot if you revise to make it more about your intended major. After all that is a good thing to talk about. And it will make the reader know that you are serious and driven, which is most important.

Also most important, ha ha, is to use paragraphs!! Show them that you are driven by talking about your clear vision for the future, but show them your ability to write well by using three separate paragraphs.

Undergraduate / Career goals: Include a brief statement of your plans for the field of study [7]

Strengthen the first and last paragraphs:

My objective at the beginning is to be an excellent electrical engineer, because this is where my interest lies. However, my long-term objective is to become a professional, communicative and management competent manager, because this is my responsibility. I am responsible for developing myself as a manager, because my parents' business...

I think you should add a little to that first paragraph, because it should give an answer to their question. "How will your education help you to achieve your goals?" So... you explain that you are interested in electrical engineering, and you say you need to participate in the family business, and then you should say something about the programs offered by this college. End your first paragraph with a sentence that answers their question.

I believe I can develop not only the technical and problem-solving skills engineers need, but also the "people" skills-necessary for success in my future career. After this sentence, you should say something about how the school will empower you to do that.

I want to also tell you that Dr. Yang Jwing Ming went to Purdue, and he is an important hero of mine. Maybe you can take inspiration from his work. He studies mechanical engineering, though.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt 1 - "Only Child" [4]

Use dashes:
As an only child -- or a "lonely" child, as I like to call it -- I was left to fend for myself.

I think that should be the sentence you use to start the essay! Get rid of the stuff that comes before it. :)

Don't say you were a living example of Darwin's "survival of the fittest," because that sort of seems like you misunderstand the way natural selection works.

With this kind of essay, it is easy to fall into the trap of ACTUALLY telling all about your life. You need to give it a theme, and narrow the focus. You should begin by talking about being a physician, make connections to medicine in every paragraph, and conclude by answering their question again -- how have this setting and these circumstances influenced your ideas about medicine?

Undergraduate / First Cut / Sister's eating disorder - U of M Essay [13]

In our culture, death is conceived of as something that is "final." What culture? In what way is it final? This sentence could be clearer.

Oh, your writing is so good that I don't want you to have to cut any of it! You'll need to let go some of the sentences, though. Choose the weakest paragraph and chop it!

What you need to do is ask yourself what your purpose is. Then you will know what to cut and what to keep. You convinced me to get the book!!

Undergraduate / Make a Difference" - Georgetown - Short Essay Summer Activity [6]

Wow, excellent! You did choose a great topic, but you can answer the question better at the start and end. the end is kind of abrupt. Can you give one more paragraph to reflect?

How long a short essay should be depends on the school. Essays are a form of art, no rules except the ones imposed by the artist.

Make a connection between this work and your aspirations. How does this connect with your college aspirations, professional plans, purpose in life?

Undergraduate / The Aurora Borealis [5]

Wow, Eric, you are still giving some excellent feedback. I hope some of your teachers see your work here and appreciate you for it. Tell them I challenge them to help as much as you do.

Undergraduate / 'Enlightened by Joe's ideas' - University of Michigan - Diversity Essay [3]

Nice! You should talk about how it caused you to reflect more deeply on communism and do some more reading... instead of sounding like you simply accepted what he said. I really like this as an example, and your writing is excellent.

I especially like the sentence that included "between my nervous fits of laughter I could see that"...

This is great stuff. The conclusion could be better. Instead of saying "After all..." Say something with confidence about the way appreciation for diverse ideas can open the mind.

Undergraduate / Describe a meaningful event...UF application essay...Missions trip to Honduras. [5]

Well, your first paragraph is only one sentence. I think you should tell succinctly how it changed your life. Then, use the rest of the essay to explain what you mean.

Wow, strong ending! I think you should try to condense it and make room for a little discussion about some decisions, some resolutions you made after that experience. How will it prove to have affected your career?

Undergraduate / "Hard work and dedication is the key to success." -FIT Admission Essay [4]

They probably said, "From whom much is given, much is required."

In your first paragraph you should give some answers to their questions. Answer their questions in the 1st para, and then explain your answers in the rest of the essay. I look forward to seeing what you come up with!

Undergraduate / I have always wanted to be someone who can help; UIUC Prompt#1 Become a social worker [9]

...be someone who could help and improve...

Write fourteen instead of 14.

...could be related to the health care field that I can achieve that purpose someday.

I admire your great plans for life. Some students are only interested in getting rich. I hope you do very well!!!

Undergraduate / "engendered a love for fashion" - stanford roommate essay [10]

Wow, the thing about an Asian woman driver is really funny.

Oh... don't mention sparknotes... it does not reflect well on you.

Take this opportunity to impress them. Give a sense that you are thoughtful about many things, and curious. Tell them about your intellectual interests, because that is more relevant to college. What you have here is good, but I think you should show off your intellect a little more.

Essays / Compare and Contrast Essay Topic (driving/flying or my sisters) [10]

Okay, the good news is that this is some excellent writing. However, some changes are necessary. This is like a narrative essay. You need to study this: rscc.cc.tn.us/owl&writingcenter/OWL/Com_Con.html

When you read all about how to set up a compare/contrast thesis statement, use one in that first paragraph.

Use a lot of this material, just not as a story. It is supposed to be a discussion of the 2 subjects! Sorry! More work is necessary, but be grateful you write well!

Undergraduate / "Do you want to pull the plug?" Prompt #2: Tell us about a personal quality or experience [9]

Revise this way:
The most difficult question had faced us: Is it the correct decision to "pull the plug?"

If you want to make it better, give the reader something uplifting at the end... perhaps a sentence about how that sad experience influenced your ideas about what specific contributions you will make as a professional.

Essays / Need help to find Topic sentence for this writing [3]

Yes, for this one the topic sentence might be a sentence about how feelings can change not just for individuals but also in a whole society.

...to be the easygoing, friendly place I remember.

A topic sentence is something you should sometimes write last. Write it after the paragraph is complete... a sentence that succinctly tells what you are about to explain.

Undergraduate / Emory- how will it help me grow? [8]

You start off kind of abruptly. Can you begin with a sentence that says something meaningful about this school, diversity, and your aspirations?

...and traveling abroad, I have developed an interest in diversity.
Maybe you developed an interest in cultural anthropology, rather than simply "diversity" in general.

You can improve this and any essay by saying your main idea in the beginning, then explaning it, and then saying it again in different words.

Undergraduate / 150 word essay about playing DOUBLE BASS [6]

Start here:
Whenever I become frustrated, I relieve...

The part before that is not so useful.

HEY, the writing is really good!! But... is there anything else you get from it besides relaxation? Can you write about meditation? Maybe connect it to meditative study and writing in school? Maybe connect it to your aspirations for college...

Undergraduate / Essay about myself. What is the order to follow in writing this? [7]

This is very nice! I think you should give less physical description, and less details. For example, you do not need to tell your favorite color and food. It is only helpful to tell impressive tings.

SO... think about your PURPOSE for writing this essay... is it to create a certain feeling for the reader? Is it to convey a theme that is like your personal theme? If so, explain your real meaning and make the whole essay all about that central idea.

At the start, tell what is most important. Then explain it. At the end, reflect on it again! :)

Undergraduate / making a difference via coaching soccer - 150 words [12]

You need a comma after brain ache. Can you tell a little about reaching out to others through soccer... as a way to instill values in kids, for example?

This is good; I think you can improve it by eliminating the part about how it is all about instinct and focus on how it brought people together. You have only a small amount of space to use, so stay focused on the important part: bringing people together through the sport.

Undergraduate / I am an open minded individual ; UMD College Park/ Diversity [6]

You are not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition. It is a nitpicking sort of rule, but you might as well obey it in this kind of essay:

Diversity is something to which we all need be exposed and for which we should all have appreciation.

Actually, the first few sentences are sort of weak, because they are just statements of the obvious. I think you should start here:
Students who come from diverse backgrounds and lifestyles can share their experiences, and we can learn from one another. I attend a high school with a multifaceted, colorful class of students and personally...

Hey, the personal anecdotes are great!! I think the last paragraph should be a little longer, though. Just a little more reflection in that last paragraph.

Undergraduate / How can I close this essay? (stanford university) [3]

Lights dazzle you dizzy... I think you should move that sentence to the beginning and start with it!!

Inconceivable seemingly infinite patterns of architecture play tricks on...

I had beaten kids that have wrestled throughout their whole lives.

"When you set a goal..." at this part, you should say that someone told you this, and that you remembered it. It will help you to not sound preachy. It is good advice, but don't advise the reader. Say you were told that when you were young.

It'll be great if you can condense it and make room to write about your intellectual and professional aspirations. What kind of expertise do you seek? What use will you make of your Stanford education?

Undergraduate / 150 word essay. Working as a sales lead at Victoria's Secret. [3]

The shopping environment in all stores during the holiday season can become a bit hectic during the holiday season.

Actually, I think you should omit that whole first part and start with this:
As a sales lead for Victoria's Secret, I was...

That way, you will have room to discuss the connection between that experience and your professional aspirations. What will you major in?

Undergraduate / Why I want to become a nurse (Common App #1) [5]

I think it will be good if you shave off the first few lines and start with this:

Although she probably doesn't...

Get rid of those first few lines and put the 1st two paragraphs together as one.
At the end of the first paragraph, you should probably give a sentence that tells the main theme of the essay -- what precious insight you gained from your grandmother.

It will be VERY impressive if you write about something you noticed about your grandmother, some wisdom that she exhibited despite her illness. If you can notice elegance and wisdom in her, instead of just reflecting on how worldly you became as a result of the experience.

Undergraduate / My Life as A Quadratic Equation - University of Florida Essay [4]

This is great! I especially love the last sentence of the first paragraph.

Now, you cannot avoid bragging about your math abilities, because this kind of essay calls for presenting yourself in a positive light, but you CAN balance it by writing something about how you struggle in one area or another... but you always know that you have special skill in mathematics.

You can write about how you became fascinated in the ancient mathematicians...

Also, i think this would be better if you write more about what you intend to do in life, how you intend to apply your skill. Maybe we need you as a physicist...

Research Papers / Research paper topic / survey on Global Warming [10]

Yes, the thing to do is search a database for some good articles, and then write a paragraph about each article. It takes some time, but it's easy!! Take heart! :)

Writing Feedback / Changes in the world in the coming century? [4]

You can use a dash:

...century -- achievements as well as hardships .

This is all very general. If you want to make it deeper and more meaningful, spend a few days reading a book by an expert. Read the Future of Life by Wilson. After reading that, you will be able to write an even more powerful essay.

As it is now, you only tell what everyone already knows.

Good luck!!!!

Undergraduate / 'headmistress in modern China / Power of Knowledge' - Smith College Supplement [6]

Great! Tell about what kind of psychology you want to specialize in! It will make you more distinguished and show your intelligence. Maybe this one en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Existential_therapy ??

I am excited for you.

One hundred and forty years after Smith was founded, women's education is still an important issue. In the world of industry, women are subject to gender inequality, domestic...

You make a lot of good points!! Educating women is going to cause them to have children later in life and reduce the overpopulation problem, too. Women need to take their rightful places in the leadership of society, so that the world can find balance.

Undergraduate / UF Application: Getting my GED-Meaningful Experience [8]

Finding out that I could not graduate with the students with whom I studied for twelve years...

Hey, this is pretty good! You know, getting a GED is just as impressive as graduating high school. When you are older you'll see the GED differently. High school is often dysfunctional.

Can you combine all the stuff about the GED into one succinct paragraph? After that, balance it with a paragraph all about an intellectual aspiration you are passionate about! Maybe getting the GED was meaningful because it is the first step toward becoming a ...psychotherapist from the existentialist tradition maybe? en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Existential_therapy

Undergraduate / U of M: describe your interests and aspirations in engineering. [12]

You can always improve it by cutting out what is unnecessary:

I've always been intrigued by math and science; since I was a child ; I was always excited to go to my science and math classes. however, it wasn't until...

All that stuff I cut out was unnecessary.

Use a dash here:
...to truly say I endeavored to be an engineer -- until now.

Okay, I think the first two paragraphs should be combined into one, and you should go back and add a new intro -- something serious that conveys a particular theme pertaining to nanotechnology. That is the strongest part of your essay.

Then go to the nanotechnology paragraph and elaborate on what you would like to do as a professional. That is the most important part. And name some professors or resources at this school that will help you to achieve that goal.

Undergraduate / "first-impressions are important" - Stanford Roomate Supplement Essay [5]

I like the first sentence a lot, but I hope you get inspired to write an awesome introductory sentence right before it... a sentence to set the mood for the essay. I think the mood is "thoughtful."

I consider myself amiable; I've never lost a friendship over an argument or disliked anyone deeply.

This is great, it really makes the reader like you, your personality.

I think the ending totally doesn't work... try something different! And it should be a little more formal. Don't say "Yeah," because some readers might think it is too informal. Some readers are too formal!!

It will be better if you tell a little more about your intellectual interests. What do you want to become an expert at, and what work do you want to do. Even if you are not sure, pick something intellectual to be passionate about.

It is good that you know you are an introvert, but go deeper, and tell about the professional person you are becoming.

Undergraduate / "English Corner" Extracurricular Activity UIUC-prompt [4]

As most Chinese students, after years of struggling with English, I decided to immerse myself in a thoroughly English-speaking atmosphere as a good countermeasure for all the year I spent speaking Chinese.

One of my roles was...

Most importantly, I found my enthusiasm towards my job. In order to recruit more people, I surveyed people's views and ideas about English Corner, devoted my self-study time to making advertising posters, browsed on...

You have some mistakes, so your English is not perfect, but even people who grew up speaking English do not speak it perfectly!

A trick I want to tell you about is to try to say ALL of this in a single paragraph, and then write a new introduction paragraph. If you condense all of this into one paragraph -- by taking out unnecessary things -- you can create something really cool. It will be "distilled."

Undergraduate / Essay about how my interests and experiences influenced my major selection [2]

Bad first sentence. Scrap the whole first paragraph, but tell about your mother and sister in paragraph 2.

Your 2nd paragraph makes an EXCELLENT first paragraph! However, name a particular aspect of biological science that is fascinating. I know there are many aspects you find interesting, but choose some so that the essay is not superficial.

I am overtaken by an unexplainable rush as I contemplate learning from and participate with some of the best biologists science teachers in the nation.

As you revise, look for opportunities to let them get a glimpse of your life as an aspiring biologist.

Good luck!!!

Undergraduate / How do I write this essay on education definition properly? [3]

Don't use sentence fragments in this kind of essay; we don't want them to think you don't know the proper way:

He has a beard -- an odd looking beard. I don't know why he had that kind of beard, and I don't know the answer to many of life's other questions, either. I presume it must have been a fad during his time. Either that or he practiced ostracism.

I don't know the answer to life.

I like the questions! However, the whole essay needs to change. You need to write it in a way that shows that you understand the concept of "thinking you know when you don't," and being able to become aware of what you don't know.

This is just a list -- an interesting one, though. But it will be better if you respond to that quote. They obviously cannot expect you to tell what you don't know, because you don't know it, so respond to the quote.