Writing Feedback / IELTS: governments should pay for the public service or arts? [9]


This sentence does not add much value for your essay. Instead of this one you should have stated your opinion on this issue.


... here you don't introduce the other part of your introduction. Nothing is said about who should spend for art.


.... I don't get what you mean by "states are not charge" .... do you mean that government is not responsible? You need to re-write this sentence.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Study foreign language in primary school or middle school? [3]

Overall, I feel you need to attend to your essay structure. Your first body paragraph seems to be too detailed and expanded and the second one is too short. Also, they don't contain specific examples which is a requirement of this task and they would certainly help you achieving a good score. This is the structure dumi (the moderator) suggests for this task and I feel it is pretty logical and helps you earn a good score.

Writing Feedback / My mother came from Southern Italy [2]


My mother moved to America from Southern Italy back in nineteen fifties when she was nine years old.


Originally they had been in New York, but later settled down in an Italian neighborhood in New Jersey.


Italians were not much liked at that time since they spoke English differently and were darker in complexion.


They had been used to make fun out here and pass racial remarks on her at the way she spoke and looked.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1; Proportion of Men and Women teachers - UK 2010 [4]

You should have uploaded the charts together with your response. Then we could have got a better idea as to whether your writing is aligned with what it presents.


The bar chart provides information about the gender proportions of teachers placed in six different educational institutions in the UK in 2010.
This task assess your report writing skills and therefore you need to adopt the style of report writing. Skim the essential details and present them in a more official tone. It seems your structure is pretty good.

Undergraduate / Would I be required to do surgery?; Personal Statement! [3]


We saved her life. .... I think this gives a stronger message and fits well with your following idea;


The reason why I wanted to become a doctor is the satisfaction I derive from knowing that I made a difference in someone else's life or gave the person a second chance for life.... I guess you are already a doctor.


A doctor is sought by people when they are weak and helpless and the doctor is the person who can give them a hope for life.

Undergraduate / Close your eyes. Picture yourself in a classroom; Anomalous Alex, UC prompt 2 [2]



Everywhere you find the numbers and equations and see the magic of student engineers working as a team.


Wouldn't you want to be in?


That's exactly what old Envious Alex wanted.



It was like someone admiring how a pair of shoes look without concerning its purpose.

Writing Feedback / Reduce Recidivism: Invest in Life Changes [5]


Fortunately, there are programs that can help ex-offenders make their transition to normal life effectively.


The three issues that majority ex-offenders share in common is the lack of family support, mentoring, inadequate education and ambiguity over starting a new life. It is also very important that we do everything to ensure that these people become productive citizens once they are released from prison. Therefore it is important to make maximum efforts to reverse the dangerous cycles of recidivism and violence.

Writing Feedback / "Boarding school is beneficial for student". Illustrate your point of view. [8]


I think the next line is a better hook because it has more relevance to the topic.


.... here you are defining the boarding school, although this is out of your scope (I mean what you need to discuss is whether the boarding school is a better option compared to living with parents) this has a direct relevance. So, start with this sentence.


... student meets / students meet
Except for the last part of the sentence, this is a good idea . Let's say it this way;
In a boarding school, a student gets an opportunity to live with many other students with similar demographics.


.... this is a good start for your background statement, but this looks incomplete;
However, this is a debatable issue whether boarding school brings benefit for the students or not. ... now ok :D

Writing Feedback / TOEFL _ intelligence as the most important characteristic of a student [4]


Without seeing your prompt, I may not be providing you with most appropriate comments. However, I wish you used the very word "intelligence" to keep a good alignment with your prompt because the word "smartness" comes with much more broader sense and it does not only refer to intelligence. It can even be outer appearance. You write very well and therefore try to stay with your prompt as much as possible if you intend to go for a good score. Also, it is good to follow this following structure which dumi suggests for others for your introduction.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Some people prefer travelling alone; 'meet other traveler' [12]


.... :every people is wrong because "people" is a plural word.
every person / all people


... "packed tour" is not the appropriate phrase. It means the group is packed with so many people. I guess you try to mean a tour package that comes with so many travel features. So, let say it like this;

Personally, I prefer to travel in a group that is arranged by a tour operator because I do not have to worry about planning the tour as well as I get the opportunity to meet many interesting people from various parts of the world.

Writing Feedback / Paying teacher basing on grade that students got is not appropriate and not fair [6]


... very clever point.... you are very correct!
Lastly, the school administration would run into many problems if the payment of the teachers is going to be based on how the children would perform at the examinations.


This situation may tempt the teachers to exploit the assessment criterion at the examinations. They may give higher marks than what students actually deserve in order to have their salaries improved. This situation also would result in teachers making the least attempt to improve their teaching skills and teaching methods that would benefit students.


You do not have to say this here. The conclusion is meant for that and take this idea to the conclusion.

Writing Feedback / Educational systems of the United States and Ukraine [5]


Maryna uses the word "ingrained" to perfectly describe why the Ukrainian University professors intimidate their students.


It is a part of the traditional attitude towards education that was formed as far back as times of Soviet Union. As a result, there is a significant difference between the perceptions of education in the two countries.


The American students attend university to acquire knowledge while Ukranian students do it to satisfy the teachers' expectations.


I believe that Ukrain' s education system well replicates the systems that prevail in many Eurasian nations such as Kazakhstan, Uzbekistan and other former states of Soviet Union.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL]Agree or disagree: The telephone has greater influence on people's lives than TV [4]


As per TOEFL standards, an effective essay written for the TOEFL Independent Writing Task, which can score over 25/30 should contain at least 300 words. That is the minimum and there is no upper limit. Considering the time factor, I feel it is good to stick to the 300 word limit which is in no less no more mode :D


Why do you talk about the productivity levels of companies? Let's look at your prompt;


Your prompt is about the influence that telephone and television has on people's lives. There is nothing said about the companies, but strictly it deals with how they affect our lives. You should not go out of topic and especially in the introduction you should stay with the prompt very closely as the purpose of introduction is to introduce your topic in its real sense to the reader.

Book Reports / In literature it is believed that the Gods ruled the life of mortals' centuries ago! [2]


...."centuries ago" tends to disturb your idea. I feel it sounds better without it;
In literature it is believed that the Gods ruled the life of mortals


If you change the order of this sentence it sounds better;
Depending on the author and the place where the tale is based on, the mortals would be either in favor of gods and get benefited by them or would be harmed by the gods for having them antagonized.

Book Reports / Help with Julius Caesar - Is Brutus The Tragic Hero? Essay [4]


The reason is that even though it was Cassius who started the conspiracy, it was Brutus who took in-charge and provided the leadership to it.


I guess it is good to give a little more clarifications here to justify that he disregarded others opinions. This is one of the core points for your argument that Brutus was power hungry. So, support this idea with a few evidences. Cite incidents that Brutus acted in the manner to confirm that he had lust for power,


.... "what he did out of jealousy"? Do you mean;
Overall, he always had correct intentions and never acted out of jealousy

Writing Feedback / Children are easily impressed by colors and sugar and this is dangerous. [4]


Actually this is your position of the argument which you should have been stated in the introduction. (have a look at dumi's suggestion ! ) Your body paragraphs must give the reasons to justify your position and also they need to contain specific examples to support the reasons you provide. I am going to quote what dumi suggests for the overall essay structure.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Should good people are rewarded and bad people are punished in movies or dramas? [4]


.... it's the not good ending your prompt is talking about, but it is about the rewarding good actions and punishing the wrong doing. You should always align your writing with the prompt and should not deviate from its focus.


If good people always win in story line of every movie or a drama, then it would be too boring.


First, a movie should arouse the interest of its audience and hold their attention tightly. When all the movies end up in the same manner, then the audience would not find them interesting.

Writing Feedback / Real life vs books - practical and theoretical ways to gain a knowledge. [3]


Not only costly and time consuming, but also it may be a dangerous approach too :D
Well ... I feel you need to improve your essay structure. You have good ideas and good sentences too. However, your flow of ideas is not so organized. I am going to quote a structure what dumi generally suggests for others.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] The private motor vehicle and air pollution [3]


this is grammatically incorrect :(
Nowadays, there is a tremendous increase in usage of private vehicles.
Try and construct simple sentences. One sentence per one idea. Also, try to use direct speech as much as possible because that will help you avoid grammar mistakes.


.... the words "individual" and "private" have two different meanings. Individual meaning single or separate while private means belonging to or for the use of one particular person or group of people only. It is always very important to use the most appropriate word in essay writing.

Undergraduate / I cycled through the quiet, narrow and rejuvenating lanes; background or story [3]


...all people, everybody, every person


...animals include monkeys,cows, ducks, pigs etc.
I cycled through the quiet, narrow, yet rejuvenating graveled lanes of my birth place where not only all the people, but also the birds, monkeys, cows,ducks,pigs and even the trees know me so well.


I too know them and pass by them everyday acknowledging the fact that they still haven't changed since my childhood.


... tress don't provide fresh air.... they help the air to blow and it is the soothing feeling you experience.

Writing Feedback / Online education and traditional education [3]

If this writing is meant for IELTS or TOEFL, I am pretty confident that this essay is too very long and you would not be able to handle the time allocated for the task. So I guess it is not meant for any of those tasks :D


The education system too has evolved with new techniques as a result of advancement of technology.


Today there are several ways of receiving education such as attending traditional colleges, on-line learning, self-studying or hiring independent tutors.
Well.... I have a bit concern here. I feel online learning and self-study can be put together as online is the source for self-studying (this is my view) Also, hiring independent tutors or attending college can be put to one category as traditional methods of learning. Hiring independent tutors is not something available today, but had been their in the past too.

Writing Feedback / Government officials should rely on their own judgment or not? [4]


... this sentence sounds confusing. What are you trying to mean?
No one can deny that Stalin and Lenin are great leaders with exceptional wisdom and tough minds, as well as with humanity and responsibility to their people.

Throughout your essay, I find this problem with clarity. It is difficult to grasp what you are trying to convey to the reader and therefore the reader gets bored to follow your essay. It is good if you have included the full prompt in your essay (on the top of your essay) so that we understand exactly what you are writing about. However, I wish you follow a better essay structure and construct more interesting sentences with better clarity.

Writing Feedback / The new forms of communication have positive effects on interpersonal relationships. [3]


...."different" regions is not the important fact here. It is the "far apart" that makes inconveniences for the people to communicate.

First of all, telephones and emails offer very efficient and convenient solutions to connect people who live far apart.


these means allow / this allows .... pay attention to grammar.
Here you are repeating the same idea what you said in your previous sentence. You should have combined both sentences together because they mean the same.


You always have a strong relationship with your mom, so tell that you were able to maintain it thanks to the phone and emails

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Humans responsibility to prevent lesser-known languages from dying out [4]


.... I like if you presented this idea a bit differently;
First of all, the extinction of a language would deteriorate its cultural values.


.... this one too... expand the idea to be presented in a bit more detailed manner.
This is because the language and culture both are very closely knitted that the disappearance of one would cause the disappearance of the other. Since the culture shapes the value system of its community, the extinction of the language invariably would affect negatively on their value system.


until to date
In China, the ancient language on tortoise shells with descriptions of all creatures in nature can still be interpreted until today because Chinese language is still in use.surviving.

You have very good writing skills. Good ideas and vocabulary. Pay a little more attention to grammar to go for a good score :)

Writing Feedback / Reduce Recidivism: Invest in Life Changes [5]


I think it is better if this definition came earlier in this paragraph, may be after the first sentence. Then you can arrange your flow better.


Providing ex-offenders with an alternate path to prevent them from engaging in criminal activities is very important. Therefore, it is vital to teach them some basic skills that are necessary for them to start a decent livelihood and become productive members in society. This would help them understand the difference between the life in a prison and the freedom they enjoy outside the prison.

Writing Feedback / Advantages and disadvantages of being famous [3]

What is the prompt? Are you preparing for TOEFL or IELTS? It's good if you mentioned them because then we can have our comments more aligned with your prompt.

.... you can't go peacefully anywhere because paparazzis are waiting for take hundreds of photos because you are famous.


.... what is the actual reason here? It is that your privacy is disturbed and you've got to mention that in this sentence because it should be the focus in your sentence.

On the other hand, there are several disadvantages attached to being a celebrity. The most important disadvantage is that celebrities have very little privacy as they are often chased by paparazzi.

Writing Feedback / "Boarding school is beneficial for student". Illustrate your point of view. [8]

Is this essay for IELTS or TOEFL? Looks like you are practicing for one of those tasks. Better mention that in your topic.


.... better tell the reason why he becomes independent;
First, a student becomes independent while living in a boarding school because he or she has to manage things on his/her own without the help of their families who live far away.


You should have made this example more specific. Pick one of those numerous difficult situations and explain. For example, take a situation like "keeping the place neat and tidy". There is nobody around to do that for them and they need to do that.

Undergraduate / Mother inspiration, Artificial world - Stanford - Intellectual Vitality [8]


Even with our low earnings, my mother never let me feel like that.


When my dad had a stroke she quit work to take care of him


.... I think the latter part is too much detailed. You should have conveyed the idea, but not too much details on it;
My father was depressed over his condition and often took it out on her giving her a hard time.


Even small things make him angry and he reacts weirdly.


No matter what, he is my father and I love him. He cooks my favorite foods, worries about me and cares about me in his own way. Thanks to my mom, now I know that my family matters to me the most.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Which would you change to improve your health? EXERCISE [3]

Also,take some sports that could equip us with better body shape and help us to (need a space here)accustomedto perform one thing at a certain time.

What do you mean by one thing at a certain time? That's not very clear :(


You are repeating the same sentence again - you need to have a more neat and tidy essay here :D
SportingSports can easily help us to relax theirbodyinresponse towardand relieve our stress, as well as release extra pressuresenergy to help us manage thingswhich areencountered during the work.

"us " refers to "our"
"them" refers to "their"

Writing Feedback / Education plays fundamental role in the growth of a country [7]


I think health is more important for one's existence than living standard. Standard of living refers to the level of wealth, comfort, material goods and necessities available to a certain socioeconomic class in a certain geographic area (this is the google definition). So, health actually does not deal with wealth or material goods and there can be many poor people coming from lower social classes who are much more healthier than those who represent high and mighty society. I fee you need to express idea differently. I am quoting you a caption taken form WHO site;

Better health is central to human happiness and well-being. It also makes an important contribution to economic progress, as healthy populations live longer, are more productive, and save more.

This should be the idea you should have forwarded to the reader.

Writing Feedback / She walked along the beach on a warm summer night [2]


... why did you include the word longing? longing what?


She was once a strong girl, fiercely and stubbornly defending her decisions, but as she stood there she was captured by emotions that made her feel guilty of being someone who destroyed her mother's hopes.

. The girl had brought shame to her once loving family the minute she placed her trust in her secret lover the night that booze and narcotics intoxicated her mind.herself.


I feel this sentence is a bit too long. Like if you make it shorter.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: STUDYING OVERSEAS OR STAYING HOME [6]


"precedence" means the condition of being considered more important than someone or something else. So you always need to have two things to compare if you use this word. So you need to tell us education is taken precedence over what!


.... don't cramp up your sentences with too many unnecessary words that tend to disturb your main idea. Give priority for clarity and it helps the reader to grasp your ideas with ease.

To begin with, the first issue arises when being in a foreign country is the culture shock.


.... Let's take the first part of the sentence. It should have gone to the introduction because it is the background of this argument.So there is no need in repeating that idea in a body paragraph which is there for you to give reasons to justify your position in the argument. Then the second part really does not tell the reader anything new as you have talked about the same in the previous sentence.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2:boarding schools are getting popular,positive or negative ? [3]


In the boarding life, students are required to become more independent because they live away from their families. This experience helps them develop many social skills such as networking, problem-solving, team spirit etc.


Well... I think this is not necessary to discuss as you are supporting the concept of boarding schools. You now need to justify this position and there is no point in discussing about the opposite view. Also, you may run short of time to finish the essay as this task has a major bearing on time factor.

You have excellent writing skills and with a little more attention to your structure, you'd be able to aim at a very good score.

Writing Feedback / IELTS, Fast food is now universally in most countries and is becoming increasingly popular [4]


Well, your prompt does not ask you to discuss these two views. And you have chosen to defend fast foods. So, what you must do in the body paragraphs is that defending your position. In this body paragraph you discuss about the opposite view which does not contribute anything to justify your position in the argument. Had you taken a moderate view on the argument, then it is ok to discuss both views. If you support one particular side, you need to justify that position in your body paragraphs.

Writing Feedback / The past 20 years have seen a considerable increase of international tourism. [9]


... be specific about economy and culture;
On the one hand, it is an undeniable fact that global tourism has significant benefits, especially in terms of economic development and promoting cultural understanding.


.... you need to organize this sentence better;
For example, when tourism flourishes, it creates a necessity for upgrading infrastructure such as roads, hotels etc. that would generate more employment opportunities for the local people.....actually, if you talk about economic development, you should have cited an example like, tourism brings more foreign exchange income to the host nation.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 1; DIAGRAMS; Island before and after construction [3]


... don't use the word "some" here. You need to introduce the graph at this point and your introduction should not be vague. May be you don't have that particular information, but try and reduce the ambiguity in the introductory sentence. Also, this is not a graph, but a diagram. When you have pictures, use the word "diagram"

The diagram illustrates the transformation of a bare island into a touristic island.

Scholarship / My Passion to Go Study Abroad; how you will spend the $1,000 helping you learn [2]


I think it is better if you are bit more specific about your passion. I mean, in which field your passion lies. Letting your scope too wide may not help you for an undergraduate course which expects its students to specialize in a particular major. You can say that you love to learn beyond your major through every experience that you would gain. But you need to have a vision in which direction you are heading. Therefore, tell your heart yearns to achieve a particular goal in life. For me, this sounds too general and it gives a feeling that you are not sure of your right passion.

Undergraduate / What qualities of the College of Literature, Science & Arts attract me? U of Michigan [2]


I wish you combined these two sentences as the focus of your response should rest on the curriculum and how it is aligned with your interests, and not on the school. This is my suggestion;

Located in the heart of downtown of Ann Arbor, a centralized hub for learning, the University of Michigan offers its students many pathways and choices.


I feel this sentence is not adding much value. What does work of art refer to? Also, I feel you should talk about your goals in more detail and how the Uni's features can assist you in reaching them.

Undergraduate / What a Wonderful World: UVA/ surprised, unsettled, or challenged [12]

Yes, I think you do not need any help ....lol :D
For me, this is a beautiful piece of writing. You have presented it very creatively and it flows beautifully. So I think this is a very good response and you've done a very good job.

What you've done is fine, but just another thought from me;


Although this song couldn't heal my wound of loosing my friend completely, it did open a window for me to see the bright side of our existence. It made me convinced that with all the cruelty and pain in this world, still there is so much more kindness and happiness making this place truly a wonderful world.

Graduate / sop for my toruism course visa. need help on improving it. thnx [2]

Hi,
Is this writing for you to obtain visa to enter into Canada for your studies? Or is this a part of your application process for your course? It's not very clear to me.

However, if it is for normal visa, I don't think you need to tell all these things because they are interested in knowing the purpose of visit, the duration of visit, details of your accommodation, details of how you are going to finance your studies and living expenses etc. Had you included the prompt in the essay, then it is clear what they expect from you.