Writing Feedback / Topic 1: Traditional food is undergoing great changes and being replaced by new diets. [4]

Thanh, your essay does not sound like it has complete sentences. These seem more like signal phrases without the actual topic included in each line. The thought process you currently have is confusing to follow. I do not think you really outlined this essay before you started writing it. It is important that you outline your 5 paragraph topic sentences before you start writing otherwise you end up with incomplete presentations that will directly affect your C&C and GRA scoring potential. If you cannot clearly explain yourself in English, as proven in this essay, then you will not get a passing score in that section and thus, lower your overall final score to a point where it might not pass. More importantly, you should never abbreviate your spelling as you did in the word "especially" by saying "esp." That shows a lack of knowledge of academic English writing rules and will reduce your GRA score even further. While you have the potential to write a good essay, you will not be able to write an essay worthy of consideration of you do not work on improving your English thought process and presentation skills.

Writing Feedback / IELTS | TASK 2 | Full-time education until adulthood/18 years old [2]

The opening paragraph should not present an opinion coming from the writers, as you did, in the topic paragraph.The topic paragraph should come from the original prompt and should not indicate the need for a full discussion (yet). That should only be a retelling of the original prompt topic. The biggest mistake however, is that you did not use an emotional response to the question posed.

Since this is a single opinion essay, you should not have discussed the opinion that you did not support. All opinion essays are based on a single point of view presentation unless otherwise stated by the prompt. The original discussion instruction called for only one fully supported opinion discussion within 3 body paragraphs. No less than 3 body paragraphs, as support for your opinion. That is what you should have presented instead of 2 paragraphs only.

Writing more than 250 words is not advisable for an ESL student for the reason that you will have written so many words that you will not have allotted more time to the review, editing, and perfecting of the content of your essay. You do not need a wordy essay, you need an understandable essay. Focus less on writing more than 250 words and more on the quality and content of your writing. That is also the best way to avoid the numerous grammatical errors on your part. The shorter but informative your complex sentence / paragraph is, the better off your score will be.

Writing Feedback / Computer skills vs three integral subjects which have always been taught in education [2]

Yuka, this is a pretty good presentation that fails in only one aspect. As this is an "extent" essay, there are 3 points of view that must be represented in the body of paragraphs namely:

1. Public opinion on the negative side
2. Public opinion on the positive side
3. Your personal opinion.

The structure of this essay is 5 paragraphs based upon the indicated discussion points in the prompt. The prompt indicates 2 points of view and then your "extent" explanation based upon the side of the public discussion that you support.Your concluding paragraph is lacking the representation of the summarized discussion of the reason why the computer subject should not be a 4th core subject. Regardless, I don't see this essay scoring less than a 6 in an actual setting. Just remember that you need to create certain paragraphs and presentations based upon the expected elements of the original prompt. You don't have to worry about taking the test as you show a high potential to pass it with a higher than average score. Just a few more practice runs and you should perform well on exam day.

Letters / Job Shadowing request from different department [2]

Ashkan, you not writing a simple note to a friend asking for a favor. You are asking a superior to take time out from his busy schedule to teach you things during a day of shadowing. Therefore, you need to introduce yourself (first) then explain the motivation for your shadowing (second), followed by an explanation of what you expect to learn (third) during the shadowing process. After that, inform the superior about how you can be a useful assistant during the day of shadowing. Mention your specific skills that the person might find useful and enticing enough to consider allowing you to intrude on his work schedule on a specific day. Do not mention that you realize how valuable his time is and that their time is valuable. That is you trying to hard to plead your case. Instead, offer up the idea that you are also a busy person but you are willing to schedule your work day around their most convenient or available time schedule. In reality, the letter you wrote is confusing and sounds too excited. It skipped the offering of important considerations that could help you get a shadowing schedule.

Writing Feedback / In modern society, ambition is more and more important? How important is ambition for success? [2]

Hoang, is this essay for an IELTS or TOEFL test? Please tell me what test this essay is meant for so that I can assess it based upon the relevant scoring criteria. I cannot judge the appropriateness of your essay writing without knowing what the target audience is. By the way the prompt you provided does not include the discussion instruction. So this is an incomplete prompt. I need the full prompt posting in order to get an idea of what the basis for scoring and content relevance is in your work. While I will say that the essay is informative. It doesn't really develop full discussions per paragraph. Unless I know what the actual prompt is, I won't be able to help you address the problems of this essay. Unfortunately, I cannot give you more than one free advice so you just wasted one advice on this improperly posted essay. Please post another essay with the name of the test you are taking and the full, actual, original prompt you are responding to. That is where I will be able to accurately assess your written work.

Writing Feedback / The best way to study English - the most popular language in the world [2]

Elena, this is a pretty good presentation. You have a clear flow of thought coming out of every paragraph. Your explanations are clear and precise. It is informative and does a pretty good job of presenting logical, common sense advice about how you learn to speak in English. However, you have a problem with the use of connecting words. In one of your sentences, you used the word "but" to start it off. This is a connecting word that is commonly used in the middle of a sentence presentation in order to connect two related trains of thought. Since there is no previous thought to be connected in a new sentence, the word "but" should not be used. You can just use the actual information to start the sentence instead as in "For me, the best way..." . You also have a problem with the use of the word "the" which is a signal word. You have to use the word in order to connect the words in your sentence in a meaningful way. The job of the word "the" is to signal the noun or subject of the sentence. It helps to create the target meaning or subject of the sentence. That is why it is a very important and frequently used part of English sentence development. You cannot have a meaningful sentence without this signal word.

Student Talk / I like to know more information on method of application for Indian student [3]

Rashma, I take it that you are applying via the embassy track which is why you are confused. The answer to your question is yes, all the documents need to submitted to the embassy for consideration. Incomplete documents will result in your application being rejected immediately. As for your parents, It would be better if you use the documents presented in the list as alternatives. Perhaps you can get a a family register issued for them? As for the other alternative documents, you need to ask the KGSP representative at the embassy about that. Send an email explaining your situation and ask what other documents you can present in place of the current suggested documents, should your parents be unable to produce any of those. Unfortunately, this is a major document requirement. That means, if you cannot produce it, then your application will not be considered. The KGSP is very strict about the documents because you are a foreigner who will be entering their country as a student. They need to make sure that your background can be properly checked and vetted before you are considered as a formal applicant.

Undergraduate / 'intellectual tenacity' - Transfer College Essay for UW-Madison [2]

Ian, for an essay with a title like "Intellectual Tenacity" , there was very little discussion of how you plan to pursue your academic / intellectual interest in this essay. You discussed your academic interest with less vigor than you did the extracurricular participation you hope to have as a student. There is no clear reference as to how you plan to pursue specific academic interests in relation to your major. That can weaken your essay presentation tremendously. I will admit that the essay is enjoyable to read. It is fun and extremely wordy, but not enlightening in the correct manner. Unless you accurately represent your academic interests and extracurricular activities in a related manner, this highly creative essay still won't serve the purpose that it was written for. Reduce the extra curricular listings to only academic related. Don't discuss politics in the essay. The fact that Wisconsin is the capital doesn't mean you will have a political motivation in the university. Do not pose questions in the essay that do not have answers coming from you. Do not use exclamation points in an essay meant to serve as a formal interview. Keep your written energy down to a formal level. Too much written excitement can also cause an essay to become badly written.

Scholarship / KGSP Personal Statement - Combining Technology and Korean Culture [2]

Rafika, open the essay with an immediate reference to your college studies. The current opening statement you have does not really catch the interest of the reader because it supplies unnecessary information. The prompt requirements already outlines the required information for the essay. Don't bother with unnecessary information because that could cause the reviewer to stop reading your application. So, discuss your college major, your accomplishments, your related training (the most notable one), then introduce your current profession in relation to your college major. How well have you done in your current job? How does your performance there relate to your need for higher academic training? When you explain that need, that is the point where you can introduce your college thesis. Provided it relates somehow to your work I don't see any work reference in your essay even though it is a specific requirement so you have to address that (or the reason why you don't have it) in the revised presentation.

Don't use Korean pop culture as your motivation for your interest in Korea. The K-Wave has been used for the past 4 application cycles already. It is no longer impressive to the reviewer. It is tired and the most common motivation used by students. Creating an academic or profession related reason, showing that you have done your research about what makes Korea a leader in the technological field will work best at this point.

Having a background in Hangeul and having taken the TOPIK test should be the highlight of your application. Passing the TOPIK test will catapult you to the front of the applicant list. Make sure to mention that you passed the test and what your score was. Attach a copy of the official test scores to your application as well.

Writing Feedback / There's an opinion that the benefits of nuclear technology are more valuable than its disadvantages. [2]

Vu, your opening statement is highly confusing to read. You need to refrain from beginning the discussion in that paragraph as well. Look at this example of how to write this essay opening statement:

While nuclear power provides the world with an alternative affordable energy resource, once the power is harnessed as a weapon though, it offers a delicately balanced sense of world peace. This is the main reason why there is a belief that the assistance offered by nuclear power carries more disadvantages than advantages.

Since this is not an "extent" essay, you should not be using emotional descriptions for your agreement or disagreement with the topic. A simple statement would have sufficed.

All of your paragraphs have under developed discussions because you have at least 3 topics ongoing per paragraph when you only need one topic, fully discussed and supported in each of the 3 body paragraphs. Remember that you have to outline your discussion before you draft it. That way you make sure that you thresh out the supporting details of each topic you have chosen to discuss instead of offering up mere talking points without the benefit of an informed discussion. That is what you accidentally did in this essay. BTW, 5 paragraphs increases your chances to get a higher score in the TA section. So always do your best to present the full number of paragraphs (as required) instead of limiting yourself to only 4 paragraphs. You suffer downgraded points in the 4 scoring considerations when you do that.

Your conclusion should also only wrap up the discussion by summarizing the important facts for the reader to note. You cannot continue to present new information and advice in that paragraph because you end up with an open ended instead of a concluded essay.

Scholarship / KGSP Study Plan - Solving Companies Problem [2]

Evin, What exactly is your thesis proposal ? I don't get what your study goal is. What is the assumed benefit that will come out of this research plan? This sounds like an essay that is too broad in the scope of discussion when it should be localized in approach. What is the Green Supply Chain Management problem in your country? You need a specific problem to address with the research you will be doing. Narrow it down. Don't take on the world when you have yet to conquer your country with a viable solution to the problem. What will your approach to the research be? You need a clearer methodology represented aside from the soft skills required. Which companies in Korea do you think can be of most benefit to your research? What sort of Green Supply Chain Management do they implement? Why are you interested in that particular aspect of the work the company does? Remember this thesis proposal needs to convince the reviewer that you have a solid investment in this goal of study by being clear and precise about the required aspects. There is also no need to mention that you will do these after you study the Korean language. It is assumed that you will have passed the TOPIK first anyway. Don't state the obvious. Focus on developing the intricacies of your thesis proposal instead.

Undergraduate / University of Miami transfer objectives essay - my reasons for choosing UM and the major psychology [2]

Selin, your essay fails you where you require it the most. That is, in the academic reason for your transfer. The essay should be more about a discussion of your academic goals rather than the extra curricular and other activities which make up 90% of the essay at the moment. Those are not the vital considerations for your transfer to UM and should therefore be reduced to a single paragraph towards the end of the essay. The essay should be composed of at least a 75 - 80 % discussion of the academic reasons you have for the transfer. A comparison of the classes offered at the University of Florida that do not align with your interests, as compared to the classes offered at UM that allow you to achieve your academic goals would be a good start to the essay. Explain the reasons where University of Florida failed you ( in your opinion) as a student and why UM seems to have the potential to support your academic growth instead.

Scholarship / Technology and telecommunication engineering in Korea - personal statement for KGSP 2018 [2]

Ainani, your essay is nowhere near delivering the relevant requirements for the KGSP scholarship. This sort of essay writing level is only good for an undergraduate application. Not a masters level application. Your responses are too simple and do not really reveal any preparation your part to become a masters degree student in Korea. Neither do you display any appropriate research experience that could indicate a solid foundation in the field you are applying to master as a student. You will need to create a totally new essay draft for your application.

Your educational experience should start from college. Discuss what made you decide to enroll in that major. How was your performance as a student? What notable achievements did you have? What sort of job did you get after graduation? Don't tell the reviewer about more than one internship experience. Not unless the internship experience that you have has the equivalent working hours required in relation to the scholarship. The work experience is vital to your application because your actions there dictate whether or not you truly require an advance study degree in this field.

Let me be clear, your motivation to apply for a Korean scholarship and your reason for studying in Korea cannot be related to K-Pop. That is the worst reason you can use because that means you have a superficial interest in the actual country and the education it is offering you. You must focus your motivation and reason to apply for the KGSP on its relationship with your profession in terms of theoretical and practical advancement in your field of work.

Writing Feedback / Writing an essay about how to become a person with good writing skills [2]

Truc, you are trying to take on too much in this essay without a proper outline to guide you in the development of your paragraphs. Your sentences are stressful to read because the sense of what you have written is unclear. I believe that this is because you are simply trying to write using as many English words as possible instead of focusing on using less English words, but making sure that your simple sentence will be clearly understood. There lies the difference between a person who is simply writing, and a person with good writing skills. It is all about connecting with the reader and getting your message across. Something that is sorely lacking in this presentation. You also need to practice the one topic per paragraph rule so that your paragraphs become shorter but more informative. Separating the topics also allows the reader to better focus on the content of each paragraph in order to understand the overall message of your essay.

Writing Feedback / Ielts Essay : Brain drain from poor countries - seeking for solutions [3]

thilini, one problem and one solution, fully developed within the 3 body paragraph is more than sufficient for this type of essay. You do not have the space nor the time to discuss more than number anyway. Going over the 250 word minimum is fine provided you do not hit 300 words or more because you will most likely run out of editing time for your essay. If you don't have the time to edit your work, then you could suffer some avoidable downgrading of points if only you had the time to edit.

The first problem that I found in this essay is in the opening paragraph. Your first sentence is still too similar to the original so that it sounds almost like a cut and paste of the original. You also presented your immediate opinion of the problem and proposed the solution in the succeeding paragraphs. The opening paragraph is always used to only represent your English comprehension skills or understanding of the original prompt. The actual topics for discussion are saved for the actual 3 body of paragraphs.

You need to have a discussion consistency in this instance. That means, when you have chosen to represent the medical field in your discussion, you cannot suddenly change the example of the problem from medical to educational. That creates a confusion for the reader because you set up a different tone for the discussion at the start then presented a totally different supporting example for it. It is like telling a person that you will serve orange juice then suddenly, without informing the person, serve him a soda instead. There will be a sense of shock and wonder at the sudden change in discussion presentation.

Your essay is short by one body of paragraphs in the discussion. Remember, you always score higher when you present a complete 5 paragraph essay because you have room to further develop your discussion and prove your skills in the 4 scoring criteria. The next paragraph should have explained Why encouraging workers to stay in their own country to work is a possible solution to the problem. Then the third paragraph could have been a more thorough explanation of how the government can successfully implement such a solution.

The conclusion is acceptable. However, the title of your essay is not. Read up on the rules for writing essay titles. Every word of the title, including proper nouns but not connecting words must be capitalized. Overall, I think you can score a 6 with this essay.

Undergraduate / My road to computer science. Motivation Letter for Undergraduate Degree - Applied Computer Science [2]

Keiko, this is not a motivation letter. In fact, I am not sure what it is that you wrote here. There is no clear motivation in this line coming from you other than an interest in Sudoku. Since you are applying for admission to applied computer science, you need to present a motivation letter that indicates specific activities that trained, honed, and developed your interest in this field. That is what the motivation letter is all about. What motivated you to study Applied Computer Science? Base that information on your secondary school training. Expand the discussion about your exposure to HTML coding and software languages which inspired you to try your hand at developing software on your own. Discuss your most impressive project to date as a secondary school student and further develop the discussion to increase your motivation level to study this course. Indicate your motivation for choosing the university as well.

You should not use the same motivational letter for the scholarship application. The scholarship application or letter of motivation usually comes with a different prompt that you are expected to respond to. There has never been a "one motivational letter fits all requirements" motivational letter developed. The question about the third paragraph is irrelevant because i am asking you to revise a majority of the information in your essay anyway. The finalization of the grammar content should come when you have developed the final content of the paper already.

Graduate / Application via uni track in KAIST for a master's degree in Computer Science. KGSP 2018 Study Plan [3]

Rida, paragraphs one and two show your continued interest in the development of chatbots. These paragraphs lay a strong foundation for your interest in pursuing a related line of study as a KGSP scholar. The rest of the essay is not applicable. You have to go from explaining your college project, to depicting how you plan to continue these studies through a relevant masters thesis completed in Korea. Think of a higher function for the chatbots that is not being addressed at the moment. Why do you think this should be developed? How do you think this can be accomplished? This will be your Goal of Study. The title you choose can borrow from your college project with a continued title or, you can create a totally new title for it. As for the study plan, you already know that Korea is part of the cutting edge community of software developers. Think of where you wish to undergo your internship or training in relation to your masters thesis. Why this company? What do you hope to learn? Why should the reviewer care about the results of your study? How can KAIST help you complete your required research? Like I said, your foundation is solid, but your implementation needs more work. These suggestions should help you achieve that goal.

Graduate / This masters' course is to make a successful career in Data Analytics - SOP [2]

Gayathri, paragraphs 2 and 5 are irrelevant to the essay. The history of data as indicated by your father is too ancient to have a connection with the modern banking big data systems. This will weaken you application. Since this is a statement of purpose, presenting your accomplishments in an extracurricular activity is not required. That is information presented in your statement of purpose. Replace the statement about your father's influence with a reference to the foundation of your interest in coding instead. That will make your succeeding discussion leading up to your completion of your college major more relevant to the purpose of this essay. It will hopefully, indicate the start of your interest or training in Data Analytics. By the way, if you plan to become an innovator or contributor in this field, you need to represent a more solid idea of how you plan to do that. The "plan" is what will comprise your motivation to pursue higher academic study in the field.

Graduate / What are your career goals and how will your advanced business degree help achieve these goals? [2]

Gina, since this is a career goal essay, I would not advise you to include a paragraph that discusses your varied training and work accomplishments that do not relate to accounting. Instead, focus on explaining why this career change is crucial to your professional goals. It is one thing to say that your goal is to work for a Big 4 Chicago firm. It is another to have the reviewer understand what the objective of this career goal is? Why are you so interested in changing career paths? How will changing career paths help you develop a more useful persona? You don't need to discuss the academic team of DePaul as they will not be the people employing you. What you should be discussing is how the internship or other training programs that the university offers in support of the masters training will be beneficial to you as an international accountant. You may also want to consider explaining, why you did not go for accounting immediately as a college major when you explain the career change considerations. It will help the reviewer understand why you would want to pursue your professional goals in that field at the moment.

Scholarship / How undertaking this fellowship in the UK will benefit your career [3]

Mohit, in your opening paragraph, you don't have to say that the opportunity to apply for the scholarship could not have come at a better time. Rather, your opening sentence should indicate an immediate connection between the scholarship and your professional interests. You should indicate something along the lines of "I have been working in the field ofxxx for the past xxxx. As a member of the XXX department of the government of India, I hope to further expand upon my skills in this field through the training I will receive from this program." It would be nice if you could directly relate specific elements of the program with certain job responsibilities at present or as part of your future progress on the job. After you do that, think about what particular projects this program might be supporting in India. If there are specific project relationships between your line of work and the program, focus your explanation on how you hope to use and grow that relationship upon your return to India. The networking concept is already a given for this sort of seminar and should no longer be mentioned. Towards the end, project how you think your career advancement will be going because of your increased leadership training. Indicate the same in your essay. Your essay needs to show that you have solid future considerations for your career instead of relying on the existing projects of your company and then just enumerating them in the hopes that the reviewer will somehow connect it to a career plan for yourself.

Scholarship / Applying KGSP Korean Language and Literature majoring in Teaching Korean As a Foreign Language [5]

elisa, this is not a very strong goal of study, title of study, and detailed study plan. You have to remember that this essay is one of the most deciding factors for the reviewer's consideration of your application. So the voice of undecidedness and uncertainty in your presentation is not going to help. You need to write at least 3 trong paragraphs for each prompt requirement. Let's break the sections down into something you can better understand.

Goal of study: The goal of your study is to better understand how Hangeul works as a language in Korea. By understanding the roots of Hangeul and realizing how Koreans learn their mother tongue, you hope to be able to formulate your own method of being able to help Indonesians learn the language. Then explain why it is imperative that Indonesians learn how to speak Hangeul.

Tiitle of Study: Your title must be self explanatory in concept and have a direct tie-in with your study goals. One title you can use for this could be; "A Definitive Understanding of the History of Hangeul in Relation to Foreign Language Teaching", or something like that.

Study Plan: Consider how your interest in Hangul started and how you learned the language. How have you applied it to everyday life? Will these be considerations in your research? Explain its importance. What method of study will you be using? Discuss the methodology at this point and the facilities, resources, and other research considerations you will require in order to complete this study in Korea and what your expected outcome of this study will be.

What you wrote has some of the elements required above but it is badly presented. I keep telling the students who apply for the KGSP the same thing, this is a thesis proposal. Write it as such.

Scholarship / Architects are responsible for comfortable and safe future. KGSP Personal Statement. [2]

Assima, the first half of your essay sounds like a college application essay rather than a masters degree letter of self introduction. You need to refocus the essay from the very start. The first question you should respond to is "Why were you motivated to study this masters degree course?". The response to that lies within your plans for your professional future. What do you hope to accomplish in the future? How does this course of study relate to it? That is your motivation. Then, discuss how your college and professional experiences have blended to give you a solid understanding of the shortcomings of your country in terms of architecture and how that gave you the foundation to become a successful masters degree student. Strengthen your reference to your successful thesis defense by explaining the project you chose to research, what research it entailed, and what the most difficult question you had to defend against was. Explain how you did it. These information will prove that you have the research background and ability to successfully complete a masters thesis defense as well. The reasons you chose to study in Korea are sound. Do not change that part of the presentation.

Writing Feedback / IELTS, task2, Government payment for nursery homes. [3]

mazen, your opening statement is a bit in error when it comes to representing the opinion discussion. The prompt is asking you the question "do you agree?". The prompt itself does not lend an actual opinion for you to agree with based upon the format of the original prompt discussion presentation. Therefore, you have to frame your opinion as the main discussion point. Your opinion cannot be an agreement opinion as no previous opinion exists in the original. You also presented evidence in the opening statement, which is not allowed due to the lack of discussion development. I think you were not properly oriented regarding the proper method of developing the opening paraphrase. Let me show you an example of one way of paraphrasing this prompt in the expected manner:

Elderly Britons often go to senior homes in order to live with people of similar ages and also have more professional medical care readily available to them. While some private citizens pay for this care, there are times when the British government ends up paying for the senior care bill. Since there are two types of payments available for senior care, those who pay privately believe that the government should pay for senior care, regardless of the senior's ability to pay. In this essay, I will present supporting reasons for my personal opinion based on personal knowledge that supports having the government pay for the senior home fees in this essay.

Please make sure that you use the correct word to describe what you want to say. A "senior home" is different from a "nursery home" . The first one is a home for old people and the latter, is a home for babies. In addition to that, you need to make sure that you write 5 paragraphs in the essay as per the required format for this test. Try to avoid writing run on sentences like you do here. Instead make sure that your sentences completely discuss one thought each. That would be composed of 1 topic sentence, 2 supporting sentences and one example, per paragraph. This will help your GRA score.

In addition to that. I don't recommend that you write more than 250 words for this type of essay. You need to make sure that you allot at least 10 minutes to review, revise, and edit your essay. Writing more than 250 words will not allow you that liberty and could lower your final score due to lack of technical merit based on the scoring criteria.

Essays / WSOS: how to answer this short essay topic; my academic goals address a need in the Washington state [2]

Jackson, the prompt is asking you to think of your academic interests in relation to your future employability. That means, you need to consider if by becoming a computer scientist, you will be able to find a job in-state. In addition to that, you should be able to indicate a specific field of computer science that you can address once employed. Consider the various fields that you can work in as a computer science graduate and the related occupations. Which one appeals to you the most? Would you say that this is a field of work that is important to the state, but is not properly addressed because of a lack of employees in that area? If you think so, then you have found your response to the question provided. You need to think ahead in this instance. Where do you see your career going? How will you be able to contribute to the further development of an industry and employment in Washington? Use these guide questions to help you formulate your draft essay.

Letters / Motivation Letter for Master Degree at RWTH Aachen - Software Systems Engineering [2]

Dzaky, I read your letter from paragraph to paragraph, till the very end and I did not come across your personal, academic, and motivational reasons for your interest in this masters degree. A motivation letter needs to answer one question "Why?" The essay that you wrote spoke of your strengths and interests, but you did not represent the "Why" as the motivational interest. You need to represent only 3 goals in this letter as I previously mentioned; personal, academic, and professional. 3 paragraphs that explain each topic as the "Why" for your motivation. Without that response, this is nothing more than a personal statement. the letter does not fully explain your motivation and cannot help your application for acceptance to the university. Try to find a strong motivating factor for your interest in advanced studies even as you have yet to complete your undergraduate degree. What did you learn as an undergraduate that motivated you to immediately pursue a masters course instead of going into the professional field to develop experience first?

Writing Feedback / A request letter for accommodation transfer to an another room [2]

adam, don't use a dictionary to write letters like these. Using terms such as "nocturnal" and "diurnal" indicate that you actually looked up the terms to use in the letter. It makes the letter sound too forced and obviously, non-native speaking in terms of English. Use simple terms to better describe your situation. You should also make sure that you use the proper words to describe what it is you want to do. For example, a "transformation" means an act of transforming while a "transfer" is to move from a person, place, or situation to another. So you want to use the term "transfer" here. Also, you are requesting for a change in residence (place of living), you are the resident (person who lives in the residence). I can't believe that you bothered to look up the more advanced descriptive terms but you did not bother to confirm the meaning of the terms you used as descriptive in your essay. You will be scored down for each descriptive word you use in the wrong context / meaning.

Scholarship / Marketing myself and demonstrating suitability in my Personal Statement [3]

Walter, this personal statement is too simplified in presentation that it almost seems like a draft of a personal statement for college degree as opposed to a masters degree. You don't really respond to the questions in a manner that would impress the reviewer, specially at the start where you mention the inspiration for your interest as simply being your mother running out of gas while cooking and complaining about it. You need a stronger reason for your interest. Perhaps something like Mozambique never having enough energy resources processed, which leads to people running out of gas while cooking so you developed an interest in the processing of natural energy resources.

In reference to your abilities, the reviewer is not looking for explanations such as 'I always raised my hand in class' because all of the applicants did that. Instead, he is looking for profession based abilities that helped you to become a better geophysicist in need of increased training and knowledge. You can use your internship to illustrate that point, but not the part about you being hired because of your backroom knowledge in computers. Talk about your abilities that you possessed and displayed during the internship in relation to the tasks assigned to you that are related to geophysics.

You should avoid mentioning the names of any professors at the university because this may not be mentor based course and as such, you may not even have a chance to meet this professor. Keep your interest in the university centered on the ability of the overall professors to better educate and train you instead. Right now, your depiction of the university sounds more like you just cut and pasted it from the web. Try to sound more natural.

Graduate / SOP for Masters in Smart Grids and Building Technology - apply for French university [3]

yaksh, this is definitely not a statement of purpose. This is an extensive and irrelevant statement of purpose. There are bits and pieces of information that you can use from this essay to create your proper statement of purpose. Concentrate on explaining how your college education helped to prepare and propel you to the successful career that you currently participate in. Make sure that your statement of purpose immediately indicates the actual purpose of your study from the very beginning. You can write the essay by saying something similar to:

I have been working in the field of xxx for the past xxx years. Throughout that time, I have been exposed to the development of this field and its problems such as xxx. In my area of expertise, the main problem I keep coming across is xxx. I want to develop a more permanent solution to this repetitive problem. That is why I am interested in the the masters course xxx.

As a college student, I majored in XXX at XXX University where I was recognized as a student who excelled in the subjects of xxx. I was also recognized during my internship at xxx before my graduation because of my ability to xxx. These were theoretical and practical skills I brought with me into the workforce.

I first worked at xxx in the position of xxx. This was the starting point of my career...

I have come to realize that my college education can only help me advance in the problem solving aspect of my career to a certain extent. My interest in the University of XXX is something that I hope can help me...

Using the above example for your paragraphical content, I hope you can create your own version of the revised and more content focused essay for your SOP.

Writing Feedback / The lack of discipline in universities is a serious problem today [2]

Long, you will not get a passing grade for this essay. The main reason for the failure of your essay is that you show a lack of understanding of the prompt requirements. While this is an opinion paper. It is not solely a personal opinion paper. The prompt required you to discuss both points of view, as indicated in the original prompt topic, prior to your discussion of your personal point of view. Since you solely discussed your personal point of view throughout the paper, you failed to properly represent the TA section of the scoring consideration. Since the TA accounts for a large percentage of the scoring, since it is used to judge your ability to understand and execute English instructions, your failure to properly represent the prompt paraphrase and the actual discussion in your essay will result in a failing score for this essay.

The essay is also improperly formatted as it has only 3 paragraphs when the requirement is 5 paragraphs. You posed questions in the essay which you were not able to properly respond to as a developed part of your essay. Your slant of discussion is nowhere near the required discussion. Therefore, there is no way that this essay can garner a passing score. Read the other essay samples at this forum for the Task 2 test. Familiarize yourself with the different prompts and response styles using the work of others as your guide. You should see improvement in your work once you do that.

Writing Feedback / Qualities of a good person - faithful, responsible, kind, helpful... [2]

Phuong, if you are writing this essay only as a part of your English vocabulary development, then you have done a good job. If you wrote this essay in order to practice your English flow of thought and sentence presentations, then this is also an acceptable paper. There are a few grammatical errors here and there, but nothing that would affect the clarity of your presentation nor would it impede the understanding of the reader. The essay shows that you have taken great care in thinking about what you wish to say and how you wish to say it. You have proven to have the ability to explain yourself quite well in the language. Your skills, based upon this essay, should be considered intermediate at best. I am not sure if there is anything specific you want me to comment on or critique which is why my review is based on the general presentation of the essay. I hope it helps.

Undergraduate / The meaning of life. Need Opinions on my personal statement for pace ! [4]

Joshua, I can't really offer a solid opinion about this essay because I do not know what the point of the essay is. What is the prompt requirement that you are responding to? How are you expected to discuss it? I need to know what the expectations are of your writing so that I can review the essay and offer an opinion of your statement that will be most suitable to your needs. As of now, I feel like this essay is too philosophical in approach, without an explanation as to why it was approached that way. The personal side of the story made need to be revised a bit in order to leave out an age reference. It all depends upon what the point of the essay actually is. Please give me the prompt requirement for this essay. I will do my best to return with a more appropriate opinion and observation of your essay. Thanks.

Letters / IELTS Writing Task 2: Do you think the laws are needed to make people recycle? [4]

Chen, first up, the Task 2 essay must always have 5 paragraphs composed of an opening, 3 body paragraphs, and the conclusion. By delivering less than that number of paragraphs means you are willing to be scored down for lack of a completely developed discussion. Another reason that this essay will be scored down is because it did not properly discuss the prompt in the required format. The thesis calls for this essay to be discussed as an extent / emotional essay. You did not offer a degree of agreement such as "totally" or "completely". You offered only a simple agreement which is not what the prompt is asking for. An additional mistake in your presentation is that you discussed a personal opinion as a closing statement. The closing statement is not used to continue a discussion of the prompt. Rather, it is used to close the discussion with a wrap up of the preceding discussion. By doing this, you will further lose points considerations. Be very careful about how you discuss the essays. Learn the different discussion styles for these opinion essays. The forum is rich in examples of the various essay and discussion types for you to learn from. Use it to your advantage.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2 - Solving food waste issue by raising awareness and generating energy [3]

Le, by not meeting the minimum word requirement for the essay, you will end up getting a failing score for each of the 4 scoring considerations. Therefore, you will not get a passing score for this essay. I do not wish to give you an actual figure for the failing score because I do not want you to focus on the failure but rather, on the points for improvement that will be pointed out to you.

The essay was weakened mostly because of the way that you do not adequately develop your paragraph discussions. Don't discuss more than one topic per body paragraph because you lose major C&C points when you do that. The rule of thumb is to fully develop a paragraph through the presentation of a topic sentence, 2 reasons (if possible), then an example at the end of the paragraph to better illustrate the explanation. This should not be more than 5 sentences. The 5 sentence rule stands for all paragraphs. You cannot write only 2 sentences, you have to write the minimum of 3 sentences at all times.

Your opening paragraph has potential. The problem, is that you did not adequately develop the prompt restatement. Which is why the rest of the essay fell short of expectations. Here is a sample of a more definitive opening statement for an IELTS task 2 essay:

On a typical day, people waste over a million tons of food. This is a problem that is caused by several reasons. Based on these reasons, possible solutions may be suggested. This essay will cover the possible causes of the problem along with a presentation of possible solutions.

Don't focus on the mistakes you made on this essay. This is your chance to learn from your mistakes and also, learn from the work of others. Don't forget to check the similar discussions list also so that you can gain valuable pointers that can help you improve your essay style.

Scholarship / I have been involved deeper into the processes that need more expertise - KGSP application [7]

Shafirine, since you are applying via the embassy track, you need to discuss the 3 universities that you have chosen to study at in Korea. Explain why you chose these 2 3 universities as the reason for your desire to study in Korea. Don't use the current paragraph that you have because it contains common information that is not really going to make an impression on the reviewer. If you use the 3 university reason explanation, you will find that your motivations to study in Korea also become strengthened by the discussion of the university and course choices. You need to strengthen your representation of your research abilities. The course you have chosen to enroll in is research intensive, so the reviewer needs to know that you have been prepared for that as first, a college student, then second, as a professional. These are the weak points that I spotted in the essay that, when revised, should allow you to present a stronger essay based on the prompt requirements.

Letters / Recommendation Letter by Mentor in University for A Scholarship Application [4]

Hana, the first thing missing in this letter is a self-introduction from the person who wrote the letter. Prior to letting the reviewer know in what capacity this person knows you, he should first let the reviewer know his name and organizational attachment. The paragraphs are too short at only 2 sentences each. That leaves the paragraphs little developed and not really helpful in terms of recommending you. One way to strengthen this letter is by adding an element that refers to how you handle unexpected situations, pressure on the job, and an understanding of your research abilities in relation to your chosen masters degree. Focus on the highlights of your skills. It is better to list these notable elements as bullet points. Have the recommender choose your top 3 qualities as a student, a researcher, and an artist. These can represent your most notable accomplishments and reasons why you will succeed as a masters degree student in this field. Right now, your recommendation letter only lists points but doesn't develop a convincing discussion for the reviewer to consider.

Writing Feedback / Student Loan Debt, High Price to Pay For a Bright Future [3]

Claudia, this is not the sort of essay that is helped by telling a fictitious anecdote at the start. Rather, you should be opening this with a personal insight into what a student loan means to the students of today. This is an issue that directly affects you as a student. Therefore, the opening statement will best be served by a personal point of view, leading into a solid thesis statement at the end of it. As with all academic essays, the opening paragraph must represent a clear thesis, which is currently lacking in your essay, without using an in-text citation. The quotes should start at the second paragraph onwards. In a related observation, you cannot close the essay with an in-text citation either. The closing paragraph should either summarize the points you made in the essay or offer a final opinion on the topic previously discussed. Paragraph 4 also seems to have some definite information that is taken from other sources, but isn't acknowledged in the text. You need to make sure that you do not omit the proper referencing in your essay. There are certain instances when the essay seems to be repeating information or tries to overextend a paragraph. Since this is an academic research paper, you may want to consider being less wordy and more direct to the point so that the reader does not have any sense of boredom set in while reading your essay. Use the story that you created somewhere it can relate to a specific point of view or information in the essay to break the monotony of the presentation.

Writing Feedback / The essay for CBEST about a rejection or defeat [3]

nilakshi, I am going to have to be straight with you about the quality of your writing in this CBEST essay, it cannot score higher than a 1. That is the only score that can be given to this essay because of several reasons:

1. All the paragraphs lack cohesiveness and cohesion.
2. The presentation is seriously flawed all the ideas remain unclear and ineffective.
3. There are confusing details in the essay such as you making a claim that you passed the CBEST on your second take and yet you have just told me that you failed this test twice. So this will be the third take which means you have not passed the CBEST twice right?

4. Your word choice is often incorrect which shows that you need more work or more classes as an ESL. Your grammar problems are numerous enough for me to believe that you need to further improve your English skills before you attempt to take the test a 3rd time.

5. You have serious difficulty in sentence development , mechanical conventions, and paragraph presentations. There is simply a lack of clarity and accuracy in your paragraph presentations.

I will however, commend you on properly understanding the prompt and trying to deliver an appropriate response. The problem, is that you are incapable of properly putting together an understandable English sentence / paragraph at this point. You will do well to attend more English language classes starting at the beginner level so that you can fully understand the rudiments of English sentence and thought development prior to your attempting to use the language in written form. The only paragraph that was properly developed in this essay are numbers 3 and 4. Since those are your strongest presentations, you should think about what you did that resulted in the clarity of thought and message located in those paragraphs.

Graduate / The accounting and finance diploma at LSE stands out to me - reasons and motives [5]

Xue, your discussion is misdirected. The more impressive presentation for your personal statement along with your reasons and motivation should stem from your background in law. Explain that you hope to become a specialized tax lawyer in the future which is why you decided to begin your transition from ordinary lawyer to a tax lawyer by enrolling in this 9 month course at LSE. That is the strongest connecting motivation and reason that I can think of which can help you make this otherwise little interesting essay more impressive to read. Now that you have your motivation indicated (career change from lawyer to tax lawyer) you can discuss the related reasons based on your prior interest in accounting and finance. By presenting a related career plan, you are telling the reviewer that you have a definitive course of action for your academic and career goals. Thus making you a stronger contender for admission consideration.

Scholarship / My nursing education and interest in the Korean Government Scholarship Program [3]

Kubra, your essay is one of the weakest KGSP scholarship letters of self introduction that I have read so far. It is weak because your grasp of the English language is insufficient. So all of the essay paragraphs are either incomplete in the presentation of the thought process or not properly developed into an informative sentence. As you have admitted in the essay that English is not your strong suit, you should seek additional help from your peers or an English professional in order to clean up your presentation.

Your first paragraph about the motivations for which you apply to this program are not impressive at all. Saying that you researched all of the available scholarships means that you actually could be applying to more than one scholarship program. The reviewer may dislike that statement and think that you are a "professional scholarship applicant". That means, you apply to more than one scholarship so that you can simply get out of your country legally and it doesn't matter where you end up going to school as long as it gets you out of your country. In fact, your whole essay sounds like you are aiming to become an immigrant in Korea rather than simply being a student, which is the wrong purpose for your application.

Next, do not rate yourself as a potential TOPIK exam taker. You are assuming too much and that overconfidence regarding your master of Hangul could be your undoing. Simply state that you took Korean classes which you hope can help you become a better Hangul student during the mandatory 1 year language lesson in Korea. All the other information that you stated about studying Hangul then stopping because you found out that the KGSP will pay for language education makes it sound like you do not have the conviction to finish what you started. Do not assume that you will get the scholarship because just when you think it is a sure thing, that is when you will lose it. Don't be cocky.

The discussion about studying nursing in the USA is irrelevant. The USA is not the country you are applying for a scholarship to. Focus only on the Korean element of your application at all times.

Undergraduate / Hook em' Horns! Statement of Purpose - transfer into UT Austin essay [3]

Max, don't open the essay with a reference to a young age. Simply indicate that you grew up in a musically inclined family. Explain how your family influenced your musical inclination. What was it about music that your father inculcated into you? What interests did your mother share with you? If you have siblings, would you say that you were all musically inclined in some manner? This description will strengthen your claim that you have been surrounded by music all your life and also explain why you may have been more focused on the extra curricular rather than your academics. By the way, saying "young teenager" is a redundancy. Indicate instead "as a teenager..." as the proper age reference in that sentence. Try to focus the closing discussion of your essay on how living in Texas is part of your musical training and learning experience. Don't try to describe the university to the reviewer because there is nothing you can say about the university that he doesn't know about yet. Just let him know what makes the musical education experience unique in your area instead.