Scholarship / English Teaching - Why did you choose your proposed course and institution? - AAS 2019 [6]

I suggest introducing a less formal language in your essay. While essays for applications have a reputation for being formal and straightforward, evaluators definitely appreciate it if you can provide a more personal narrative that will let your personality shine through. For instance, instead of just briefly mentioning how you have witnessed students being uninterested in class, tell a story of a time that one of them inspired you to pursue the career itself. By doing this, you are introducing a more humane side.

Furthermore, I suggest that when you are tackling the technical aspects of these universities (ie. the curriculum, what they offer in terms of academics, etc.) make mention of what makes this different from other institutions. Show a depth of interest in these academic institutions to showcase how proud you are of the work that you do.

If you can tell a story through your narrative, it will build a more intimate relationship and will make you stand out to other candidates.

Don't just tell it how it is. Discuss why you are worth the shot - what makes your background special. Discuss your long-term goals and how attending said universities can help you achieve those.

Writing Feedback / IELTS2 In the past, shopping was a routine domestic task. Many people nowadays regard it as a hobby. [5]

@FrancescaD
Please review your fundamental grammar usage and articulation. There were multiple instances wherein your essay had lacked clarity because of having construction errors.
Let's take, for instance, the first paragraph. I would rewrite the first two sentences as:
A generation* ago, shopping was considered as a chore to be accomplished. Nowadays, however, it is being thought of more as a hobby.
*Assumed correction for the word geneaction.
Watch out for run-on sentences. As with most ESL learners, you had a tendency to drag your sentences longer than they should be kept. This is a noticeable mistake all throughout the text.

Look at your last paragraph. We could revise the last sentence here as:
The latter, in my opinion, should be an activity done only occasionally. There is nothing healthier than taking a walk under the [...]
If you can divide your sentence and separate your thoughts into independent portions, it would better the structure and flow of your essay.
Best of luck as always.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - Free or not? Charged information makes a more sustainable development in a long term. [3]

The introduction had run-on sentences. To avoid this, I suggest minimizing your usage of connecting words or conjunctive adverbs. If you do this, you will as well be omitting unnecessary words. This can also help you become more straightforward in your language and articulation. If this cannot be avoided, try repackaging your articulation so that your independent clauses become stand alones instead of forcibly linked together.

Let's look at your first paragraph. I would have written it as:
Information is essential in modern society. The freedom to share it freely contributes to the development of science, commerce, and academics. However, I believe that we should charge money for its usage. This is beneficial for a number of reasons.

Words that quantify (some, a few, etc.) can be useful. However, in this instance, you can omit it to save on the number of words because there is no exact measurement to be provided for the usage of money. You had committed the same mistake in your second paragraph's first sentence ("some real statistics"). You can sharpen the tone and flow of your essay through removing these words because it creates a more dignified approach to your language.

Apart from this, your essay already has hold of its own structure. Just keep writing. Ensure that your essay always has sufficient background data to back-up its claims.

Writing Feedback / Is it feasible for a country provide university places for a high proportion of people? [2]

I would suggest incorporating more concrete data into your essay.While the essay has a general flow and direction, it lacks the having a factual backbone. This can be easily resolved through including more data or case studies.

You can start with the following questions:
1. What do statistics say about the pursuit of higher education? Is it declining or rising?
2. What is the exact percentage allocated to the education system? What is the rationale as to why this persists?
3. In what context is your essay applicable? Are you referring to developed countries or developing ones? These countries have varying degrees of needs for development. If you could contextualize more, it would give a great benefit to the content of your essay.

Be more goal-oriented when you're writing your essay. Do you truly believe that offering more university placements will result to a lower educational standard? Or is it a matter of budgetary expansion? If you can quantitatively analyze the situation, it would as well better your essay's composition because it would make the content more reality-based.

Avoid being redundant in your language. For instance, in the second to the last sentence of your second paragraph, you shouldn't have put more many because it became excessive. Choose only one of these two terms because they're similar to each other.

Writing Feedback / Public libraries are no longer important / replaced by gadgets [4]

Look into your usage of punctuation. For instance, there should have been a comma in between decades and while in the structure of your introduction because they're two independent thoughts/clauses. Watch out for small mistakes such as this that can compromise the overall quality of your essay.

Furthermore, I also suggest integrating the first sentence of the second paragraph into the first paragraph. Afterwards, you may briefly introduce the points you are about to tackle. If you follow this structure, you can create a more structured essay that is easier to read for the people.

I also suggest looking into developing more innovative or extensive arguments that are for the proliferation of libraries. For instance, your thoughts regarding how the provision of archaic documents is not easily available in the internet is contestable. There are culturally and historically relevant documents that are now being digitized because of the costs of preservation. Instead, perhaps you can discuss the reason why these libraries still contribute to the overall well-being of its community despite the costly maintenance. Discuss its social and cultural implications; analyze why these implications persist and are still relevant in spite of all the controversy surrounding them.

Aside from that, I think that your overall grammar usage is good enough. Keep up the work.

Research Papers / Research Paper/Persuasive Essay on "The Many Sides of Veganism" [3]

Firstly, I suggest refraining from using the first person point of view when composing your essay. Persuasive essays, especially formal/academic ones, are not supposed to be based on the first person. Try paraphrasing your articulation to the third person to make it more relevant.

Secondly, while the essay does have substantial content, the composition itself lacks structure. The entire essay seemingly just went with the flow. I suggest that you create a comprehensive outline. In your first paragraph, introduce this said outline. This will be helpful in guiding your readers for your essay to be more comprehensible.

You also have a tendency to drag your sentences, creating run-on structures that loosely just hang in the substance of the essay. To avoid this, I would suggest that you shorten your articulation. Omit what you can omit. If a sentence is more straightforward once you have separated it into two different portions, then opt to do that.

Lastly, regarding your fourteenth to sixteenth paragraph, I would suggest condensing all this information. There were portions that were not necessarily essential were for your arguments. If you wish to include interviews such as this, I recommend a summarized format that correlates the content of the interview to the point of the essay (that is, of course, the benefits and drawbacks of becoming vegan).

Letters / Write a letter to apply for Memory Course [3]

There's no need to apologize on this platform. English learners are more than welcome to gain more external insight on how to better their usage of the language.

Regarding your essay, I would like to point out a couple of initial flaws:
1. Your first sentence should have been "Let me introduce myself" instead of what it is now. There's no need for an apostrophe and s.

2 You should put a semi-colon between your name and the word and. If not, opt for separating the two sentences because they're independent (stand-alone) structures. The same goes for your third sentence.

3. I would suggest revising your sixth paragraph as: I learn roughly twenty words a day. However, in the next day, I find myself only remembering seven or eight of them.

4. In the sentence after that, you needed to say either "I do not know the reason why" or "I do not know what the reason is". Why cannot be utilized in the way that you had put it in the sentence because it cannot be an adjective placed before a noun.

5. In your third to the last sentence, you could have said: I am fortunate to have seen your advertisement on Facebook. I find that it can help me. You need a demonstrative pronoun (that, these, this, etc.) before introducing an it or an object.

You have a tendency to have confusing verb usage as well. For instance, you had a sentence which stated: And this makes my studying is delayed, You cannot use makes and is at the same sentence in this structure because you were already following through.

You can revise this, for instance, in two ways:
1. And this makes my studying delayed.
2. And my studying is delayed because of this.
To avoid the aforementioned issues, I suggest trying to reread fundamental punctuation, verbs and tenses, preposition, and other fundamental grammar-related guidelines.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 2 - factors impact on the editors' decision what to broadcast [3]

Your first paragraph is quite confusing because of its structure. I suggest revising it. Make sure that your articulation is straightforward.
For instance, I would instead write the first sentence as:
Media is pivotal in shaping people's lives because of the content it holds.
Watch out for your verb usage.Remember that consistency is the key when writing. If you start your essay using present tense, avoid switching to a different form. This will ruin the format of your essay. Let's take your second paragraph's first sentence as an example. You switched from using present tense (that is always) to past tense(always appeared in).

In addition, I also suggest looking out for your punctuation usage. In the third sentence of the second paragraph, there should not have been a comma between especiallyand inbecause the context you were referring to was China's situation.

I would suggest merging your last and second to the last paragraph. Incorporate your opinion into the overarching conclusion of the essay. This will strengthen the ending to have more of a structural approach to the essay itself.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2 - railway transport vs existing public transport [3]

Giving a specific band score would be difficult as assessing is quite different from being suggestive. However, I'll provide my feedback on your essay.

You can greatly reduce the overall word count of your essay by being more wary of your word choice. The more straightforward your essay is, the better it would be for your structure and content. If you can make your content concise, opt to do that. I also suggest looking into better ways to transition between sentences. Instead of mentioning, for example, traveling "from one city to another", you can simply say "inter-city travel" to create more structure and composition in your essay.

In particular, I want you to pay attention to your usage of punctuation and preposition. For instance, in your introductory paragraph's first sentence, it should have been "requirement in the modern world" instead of "requirement of the modern world".

There were instances as well wherein you had utilized redundant words. If you feel as though you can omit a word, choose to omit it - as I always tell people.

Let's look at your second to the last paragraph. I could revise the second to the last line as:
For example, the local bus stationI typically use for travel to my university is a 5-minute walk from my house.
Just be wary of your word usage, and you'll be all set to go.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Graph - the amount of fast food consumed by juveniles in Australia [4]

@Nguyen Cuong
A lot of your mistakes were based on writing technicalities. Because of this, I highly suggest rereading fundamental grammar-related queries for English. In particular, I want you to look into punctuation, prepositions, and articles. You have to be more straightforward and clearwith your essay.

For instance, I would paraphrase your first sentence as:
The graph illustrates the average expenditure on the consumption of fast food by Australian teenagers over a 25-year period.
This is a more professional approach to writing because of its structure and composition. Always follow a structure wherein you mention first the fundamental description of the graph before proceeding to introducing the timeline that it falls under. You had done something similar to this, however it does need a little bit more polishing and practice.

I also suggest looking into your usage of verbs and tenses in conjunction with what I had aforementioned. Make sure that you are clear as well with your language and articulation.

Let's take the first sentence of your second paragraph as an example. It should have been:
In 1975, the pizza consumption expenditure of teenagers was at 5 times. In comparison [...]
Avoid using the same transitions for your paragraphs because it can drag your essay, ie. you had used "additionally" twice in your essay when you could have opted for something else.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 1 - adult education argument [3]

Looking into the technicalities of your writing, I suggest going back to the basics of grammar usage - specifically when it comes toverbs, punctuation, and preposition. I won't nitpick on it because a lot of them are easily revised. Look into having more transitions to create a better flow for the essay.

For instance, we can revise your first paragraph as:
The charts below show the results of a survey in adult education. The first chart shows the reason why adults decided to study. The pie chart, on the other hand, shows how people think the costs of adult education should be shared.

I suggest mergingthe third and fourth paragraph. The third paragraph at the moment is oddly hanging in the middle of the essay without a cohesive structure. Because it is closely correlated to the fourth one, you can merge them easily.

You can leave the last paragraph. I think it is sufficient for what it is right now.
Best of luck with your writing tasks!

Writing Feedback / Cooking doesn't take much time any longer - Has this improved the way people live? [4]

I would suggest paraphrasing and/or revising your first paragraph, especially the introduction portion. The direction of the paragraph in terms of narrative-building was quite unclear. You weren't able to build up the specific correlation between having enough time to prepare food and taking in completely natural ingredients. I would suggest, instead, to scrap the first three sentences and be straightforward that you want to do a comparative analysis on the preparation of food between now and then.

Regarding the content of your second paragraph, your second point about tasting various dishes from diverse cultures does not relay a significant contribution to your essay's overall theme. What does this diversity in dishes imply about current methods of preparation that cannot be found before? If you're making claims, make sure that you mention historical data regarding it. Furthermore, it will also help if the data is as specific as it can be.

Apart from this, the overarching tone of the essay is good. I suggest simply looking into small grammatical mistakes, run-on sentences(frequently sprinkled throughout the text, however is noticeable in the second to last paragraph), and misuseof verbs. The last paragraph also does not have a specific contribution in its current location. I suggest integrating your ideas there to the second to the last one to create a more substantial and opinionated conclusion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Global resources are consumed in dramatically increased rate [4]

You can enhance your introduction. Consider tackling why there has been a drastic increase in the consumption of resources. Discuss briefly the factors that has affected this. I know that you mentioned it in your second paragraph.

To avoid redundancies, simply paraphrase your second paragraph's introduction to something similar to this:
These aforementioned reasons have resulted to a consistent need to tackle the potential consequences. The [mention x average amount of global population increase] over the past [mention x number of years that you have measured] has to be expounded upon.

This format for your narrative does two things clearly: it avoids redundant language from repetitively mentioning similar words from your first paragraph, and it strengthens your essay through making sure that you have data to back-up your claims better. This will improve the quality of your essay.

I would also suggest applying the same structure to your third paragraph.
Watch out for grammatical mistakes. Take, for instance, the last sentence of the second paragraph: it is unclear what you mean by "I had ever seen" because of the wrong phrasing. To minimize these issues, I suggest that you reread your essay out loud to determine portions that sound inorganic and/or unnatural to the tongue. If it does not flow well, then there should be something wrong.

Lastly, I suggest that you paraphrase your last paragraph. The structure can be dragging to readers. Divide that chunk of sentence into two separate thought bubbles.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / The idea to study English in an English-speaking country - IELTS 2: agree or disagree essay [3]

@mzoetemdroomm
A couple of things to take note of.
I would avoid using words that drag your essay. I mention this a lot, but I find that ESL learners have a tendency to use words that are "heavy" instead of using ones that can shorten and create a more concise environment for the essay.

For instance, I would revise your introduction sentence as:
English has now become the most commonly studied language with the rapid rise of non-native learners.
Instead of mentioning the word English twice in the sentence, I had used the word language to refer to it. This can avoid repetitions. As I always say to people: omit what you can omit. A more straightforward approach will better your writing.

This can be applicable even to your second to the last paragraph.
For instance, I could shorten and revise your first sentence here as:
Secondly, there are other more effective means to learn the language rather than staying in an English-speaking country. A good example would be online courses.

This delivers your message in a more comprehensible manner.
Moreover, I suggest adding more substance to your conclusion. It is not clear what criteria you are basing your opinion from. Always ensure that you make mention of the details you have mentioned above (briefly, of course) to maximize the content of your essay.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Is working while studying better than taking for example a college loan? [3]

@Phoebe789
I do not suggest starting your essay with a personal statement. Instead, opt for making an introduction that can assist the flow of your narrative. For instance, you may briefly talk about the figures and the statistics regarding the usage of student loans in countries that highly use them (think of the United States). This can create a stronger and more substantial introduction.

You can perhaps use this as a template:
In the United States, [xxx quantity of adults] of young adults struggle paying off roughly [xxx amount of debt accumulated in range] over [xxx number of years it takes on average of pay off the debt]. This is why I disagree with the usage of loans in the educational system.

If you quantify your figures, the better it will be to add more content to your essay.
Watch out for your usage of participles, verbs, and fundamental grammar-related parts of speech. For instance, it is "I do not consider" instead of "I am not considered". Remember that you are not directly referencing to yourself - rather, you are referencing to something external to you. Reread your essay out loud multiple times when you're reviewing it to avoid this from happening.

I also suggest looking into better ways to transition your paragraphs from one to the next. I noticed that it is quite common for ESL learners to use "on the one hand" and "on the other hand". However, there are betterways to do this. You can omit the "on the one hand" of the second paragraph and simply start your essay. This can avoid redundant language that only put unnecessaryweight to your essay.

Aside from that, your essay has substantial and structured content. Just watch out for your grammar, and you'll be fine.

Writing Feedback / The graph below shows the consumption of fish and some different kinds of meat in a European country [2]

If you could provide the graph that you are referring to, it would help with providing more substantial feedback on your essay.
Speaking of writing technicalities, I would suggest revising a few of your lines to ensure that the delivery of your message is clear.
For instance, I could revise your first paragraph/sentence as:
This line graph illustrates the amount of fish and meat consumed by a European country over 25 years beginning from 1979. The meat types included here are: chicken, beef, and lamb.

Please take note of three things I have done here:
Ensured that I used present tense because I am describing a graph that is present in front of the reader. This makes the text appear more interactive - and is the formal way of approaching language.

I used "from 1979" instead of "in 1979" because you're referring to a point in time onwards rather than a single point. Please review prepositions' usage regarding this.

I created more clarity in the structure by not confusing readers with introducing the three meat types before finishing the initial thought of the message.

Keep in mind these points and apply the entirety of your essay.
I would suggest revising your last paragraph. There were instances wherein you were dragging the sentences, creating run-on phrases instead of articulating clearly what you want to relay. Moreover, using technical terms such as "base year" can help your essay be more academically and professionally proficient.

For instance, I would revise your first line here as:
The beginning of the period had a weekly consumption of 220 grams of beef per person. This fluctuated into a significant decrease of consumption between 1984 and 2004, following a fluctuation prior to the base year.

Best of luck to your essay.

Writing Feedback / Government invest in the arts vs public services [3]

Let's look through your essay carefully.
In your first paragraph, you can see a lack of substantiation on your introduction.
Why is there a discrepancy regarding the perspective on whether or not the government should financially invest in the arts?
Why do some governments believe that it is worthless to spend money here?
Where do they believe that money should be invested in instead?
If you could briefly analyze status quo, then it would better the flow and content of your essay. Discuss why these perspectives exist, and make your argument in accordance to that. Also, keep in mind that paragraphs should be at least 4 to 6 sentences long. Anything less could be indicative of a lack of content and weight to your essay.

I would also watch out for instances wherein you drag your sentences. If you could package your sentence in a shorter and lighter manner, then it would improve your essay's overall flow.

For instance, the second sentence of your first paragraph can be:
There are a few who argue that art has no valuable contribution, therefore making the government believe that it should not financially invest to it.

Finding your flow to better the essay takes time, however it is worth it. Try rereading your essay multiple times to ensure that you are on the right track.

Regarding your first point about art's contribution to society's expressionism, you should create a stronger correlation. Most of the examples you gave were individual displays of how art helps people. However, it would be helpful to the reader if you could elaborate on an instance wherein art was able to truly shape the world. Discuss an artwork, for instance, that has helped revolutionize people's perceptions towards an event. Discuss how art contributes to shaping a wider scope of people. A good example could be the usage of effigies in protests.

I think that your essay superficially touches on the question that is given. I would, however, suggest that you look into discussing more about the government's current investment to social services. How do you think the government should prioritize budgeting in social services versus allocating money to, for instance, the arts sector? Where should the government draw the line?

While these questions may seem to be shallow or common sense, it is appreciated if your essay can accomomdate to fundamental queries such as this.

Writing Feedback / A police force carring guns will encourage a higher level of violence? [4]

@dmdxw
Watch out for your small grammatical mistakes. I suggest looking into your usage of punctuation. This is easily fixed, so I don't feel as though I need to nitpick.

Review your usage of prepositions. For instance, in the last sentence of your second paragraph, you could have omitted "on the" and simply said "meanwhile" but you chose to merge them together. This causes unnecessary length that does not contribute anything substantial or technical to the essay.

When you're starting your essay, I suggest that you delve into questions that can help you develop the flow of thoughts in your essay.

You can these ones:
Why were police officers historically not allowed to carry guns at work?
What has happened in the world that has changed the policies regarding gun usage in the police force?
Why do people fear policemen carrying guns?
What does this signify about people's perception of local security forces?
Try your best to be particular when you are developing your narrative.
What type of training do these police officers go through?
Are there other safety nets imposed by the state or the country that can deter possible misuse of guns?
You may add statistics or first-hand data to back-up your essay.
Watch out for run-on sentences. As a general rule, remember that if you can cut sentences into two parts, opt to do. This can help make your essay less dragging to the readers. What you can do as well is to revise the essay until the flow and structure is better.

For instance, we can revise the second to the last paragraph's first sentence as:
Aside from that, the possibility of police officers to lack sensible judgement can cause the deaths of innocent lives.
Lastly, please reread your last paragraph. There were a few hanging lines that could be easily fixed.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Along with men, should the army recruit women? [3]

I suggest revising your first paragraph. You can input additional details that can enhance your writing. For instance, try answering fundamental background questions about the topic. Why were women not allowed before to join the army? Why were both genders treated differently when it comes to their physical capacities? What were the traditional perceptions towards both genders that have shaped this idea? This can improve the substance of the essay.

Regarding your second paragraph, you can delve into why women previously had weaker staminas. If you claim that the gender has now "significantly improved" in the field, then discuss the potential causes of this. What changed in the world that made women have more physical empowerment?

Afterwards, you mentioned how women have a higher level of attention in comparison to men. It would contribute to your essay if you could explore this biological difference. If you cannot, avoid making bold claims as it can affect the overall quality of the essay.

Lastly, I suggest revising your last paragraph. Have more substance in this section as you wrap up your essay. What is your personal take on this? How valuable are women to the army?

As I always say, the specific you are about details in your essay, the better.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Why money should not be spent on finding life on other planets [4]

The flow and structure of the essay is sufficient. There are, however, a couple of small revisions that I suggest you do.
Your first introductory paragraph is quite lacking. I would suggest adding more details to have a better flow. You can, for instance, introduce why institutions, agencies, or organizations are doing this. Tackle their motive, and then you can briefly discuss why you disagree with it. When you make mention that you are opposed to it, you should give a brief description as to why. You do not need to mention all the points in the essay, however you should tap onto why it is necessary.

On a small note, I also suggest revising the statement line by saying instead:
I strongly oppose this because _______.
This is a more straightforward approach.
Moreover, I also suggest rereading your essay and looking into your usage of preposition and punctuation. There were instances wherein the misuse affected the quality of the essay. In addition, looking into synonyms that could be perfect substitutes to make the text look more put-together can also help.

Let's look at your second paragraph. The first line can be rewritten as:
First, there is little reason to financially invest in finding a new home outside Earth; this money can instead be utilized for finding sustainable solutions.

You should avoid making vague statements. What do you mean by "such systems" that Singapore applied to its factories? How exactly does the national forest preservation work in the country's case? Discussing specifics can add substance to your essay to strengthen it.

The second to the last paragraph has to reviewed as well. Which criteria have you utilized to conclude that it isn't worth it to have 1B USD as a form of investment for the spaceship? If you could provide more quantitative data on it, it would contribute to your essay.

I would also suggest looking into revising your conclusion. Why exactly do you think that these ambitions are out of reach? How negative is the impact of having these ambitions? The more specific and direct you are, the better.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS - Writing Task 2] : Discuss both views in penalizing villains. [2]

Welcome to the forum!
I have a couple of key suggestions to your essay.
Avoid dragging your sentences. You can create a better rhythm and structure overall for your essay through shortening your sentences. Omit what you can omit.

Take, for instance, the first sentence of the essay. I would have rewritten it as:
There are two angles when it comes to sentencing: fixed punishments and flexibly determined case studies.
Your sentence structure also is quite loose. What I mean is that you have a tendency to let your thoughts continuously flow without using guidelines. You should as well be wary of your verb and tense usage.

For instance, let's revise the last sentences of your second paragraph:
For instance, Saudi Arabia punishes theives by cutting off their hands. It is said that this deters people from committing the crime. Still, there are people who posit in opposition because they believe it is unjust to implement this.

There were other smaller mistakes sprinkled throughout the essay. For instance, "wrong-targeted" is not a word that would entice people to listen. You could say that it is a wrongfully placed penalty instead as this is more formal than the former.

The summation can be enhanced as well by adding more details. Conclude your essay through talking about how flexibility in punishments paves way fora more an equalized approach to the justice system.

Graduate / MBA application Essay draft, the 'spikiest' pictures with the explanations. [3]

Watch out for your misuse of prepositions, punctuation, and other grammar-related tools. I suggest reviewing these fundamentals to enhance your academic writing. You should also go through proper capitalization rules.

For instance, I would rewrite the third sentence of your first paragraph as:
Ever since high school, my parents have set two goals: get married before thirty and buy me a taxi for that wedding.
This is a more compressed and clear version. It ensures that you relay the information in a formal manner.
I also suggest looking into reviewing your usage of tenses - or how you incorporate these tenses into the sentence structure. There were a few mistakes, for instance, in some portions of the last sentences for the first paragraph.

What you could have done was write it as:
I am aware that my English cannot compete with native speakers. However, I believe that learning a language is like running a marathon: that it is, after all, a process of accumulation.

As for your second essay. I suggest shifting your introduction. You had introduced late the idea that the world's issues should be prioritized by students such as you. It would benefit your essay to put that before you began talking about the team you work for. I also suggest enhancing your arguments on the correlation between getting an MBA and helping people. Talk about how businesses do social outreach programs. Talk about the value of these programs.

Writing Feedback / Which is needed more: formal qualifications or practical skills to do the job better? [3]

You have a tendency to drag your sentences. You can observe this even from the first sentence. You compress too much information into a single stream of thought. This stresses the readers. To avoid this, I suggest segregating your thoughts.

I would, for example, phrase the sentence like this:
Today's competitive world causes people to work on vital skills to enhance their job-seeking opportunities.
Packaging your thoughts this way makes your thoughts clearer and easier to digest. It is straightforward.
I also have a couple of key questions that could guide you in the content of your essay:
1. In line with your first essay, could you say that there are indispensable fields of knowledge that cannot be fully replaced by practical skills?
2. Is the educational system not pursuing enough innovative efforts to potentially move away from the traditional experiences?
3. What particular qualifications do you think are necessary and which are not?
4. Does your argument regarding child labor truly fall through? Most people would mention that the cause of child labor is not the demand for practical skills - rather it is because of poor labor and child protection laws in the country.

These types of questions can be avoided through creating more concrete assessments of your arguments. Ensure that you have data to back your words. Insert examples into your essay to strengthen it.

Lastly, your concluding paragraph also is hanging. You could discuss more why, in reference to your essay, you think the approaches are varied for a reason. Discuss why these two can co-exist. Discuss why they do not invalidate each other, rather why they support each other's purpose in the working environment.

Research Papers / Social media's negative affects on society [2]

There are a couple of things that I suggest you look into.
On a technical level, I would look into cutting some of your paragraphs into smaller chunks. Or what you could also do is shorten your sentences through removing redundant words, hanging thoughts that do not contribute positively to the context, and unnecessary "adjectives" that float around. If you wish to retain a majority of your text, I suggest that you try cutting your paragraphs into two separate ones.

Remember that in a typical academic essay, there are only 4 to 6 sentences in a single paragraph. If you exceed, it appears dragging to the readers. This rule wasn't established just to avoid hefty texts. A good writer knows how to be straightforward and to condense his thoughts easily.

I appreciate the overall structure and content of your text. You should make your essay easier to comprehend and grasp through tailor-fitting these details.
I do suggest, however, trying to balance your argumentation. It's insufficient when you only showcase one side in an essay. It is vital to acknowledge, for instance, how social media has helped the world. Discuss the benefits of social media before introducing its flaws. In this way, you will truly convince the readers that the negative effects are worth not to be overlooked. You can do this briefly before your second paragraph. Treat it almost as a second introductory text.

Lastly, look into preventing repetitive lines. Let's look at your last paragraph. While conclusions are supposed to somehow remind the readers of what had transpired in the essay, avoid being redundant. You could have said, for example, that social media's lack of regulation has resulted to the miseuse of its content - instead of mentioning all over again that the accessibility from this promotes violent acts.

You're on the right track. Just work on condensing your thoughts.

Writing Feedback / Task 1 - the figure for internet usage [3]

@yanhong
I suggest moving your second paragraph to the last portion of the essay. The text was pertaining to a conclusion, however you had not presented the data yet. It would be better if you expound on this first to create a structured inductive method of essay writing. You should as well try to omit unnecessary words.

If I were you, this is how I would have written it:
A considerably large percentage of young adults use the internet in the periods shown. In contrast, there were less older people who accessed the internet daily.

This is a more straightforward approach than needing to stretch your sentences. Dragging your sentences unnecessarily can
I would also suggest that you change the way in which you transition your paragraphs. Let's take into consideration your third paragraph. I would have phrased the first sentence as this:

Aged 16 to 24 occupied an 80% percentage of internet users in 2003. This led to a peak of 100% in 2005.
This removes redundant words and punctuation. If you streamline your words and arrangement, it will create a better structure overall for your essay.
Check as well your usage of articles. There were instances wherein you could have omitted them to better the flow but had still used them.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS task 2] Museums and the entrance fee - different viewpoints [3]

Your essay is constructed nicely for an argumentative one. Let's look at a couple of possible revisions to enhance it.
I suggest revising your first line. If you reread it, there's an unnatural tone to it. It would be better if you had switched the structure - do the subject first before you introduce your predicate. This will make the writing more organic.

If I were you, I would phrase it like this:
People have varying viewpoints when speaking of whether it is appropriate or not for museums to charge an entrance fee.
To get better at this skill, I highly recommend reading your essay out loud. This will make you grasp if a text would roll off your tongue smoothly - or would merely be dragging. If it's the latter, consider revising.

Proceeding to your second paragraph, the third line can come off as off-putting. What specific skill and knowledge are you referring to that people would "acquire" from visiting? Delving into specifics can help. Perhaps you can tackle cultural intelligence acquisition from visiting these areas.

You may also add more details to your summation. Talk a bit more about the comparatives.

Writing Feedback / The controversial idea to give longer prison sentences in order to reduce crime rate [2]

@katkat
Firstly, please review your usage of conjunctions, demonstratives, and punctuation. You may also utilize the oxford comma as much as you can as it improves how professional your writing is.

Let's look at your first paragraph. You can rephrase it as this:
The differing views regarding crime reduction juggle between long prison sentences or social alternatives. My opinion is that mitigation can be easy to control the issue at hand.

This is a more straightforward way to open your essay. It does two things: introduce the general problem and show your personal views regarding the possible solution.

Your second paragraph is filled with unnecessary words that lengthen it without adding content. This can be detrimental, especially if you're working within a word count. You can omit the fillers and transition words, ie. using "to begin with in the second sentence when you have already started with "on the one hand" is redundant. When you're transitioning in between sentences, make sure that you apply this same habit.

For instance, the third sentence in this paragraph can be phrased better as:
The day by day suffering caused by intensive physical punishments minimize the likelihood of re-offending.
These tips should as well be applied to your third paragraph. You should as well avoid introducing ideas in the last sentence of your paragraphs. This can cause a discrepancy in your essay. If you cannot expound on a thought, simply try to integrate it in the body - or you may as well opt to remove it.

Enhance your conclusion through adding an extensive critical analysis of the two points you have presented. Why is one more appropriate than the other? Introduce a criteria to justify your essay's claims.

Writing Feedback / Find some strange rules of the university in the world [2]

Check your capitalization. Ketchup, not unless you are referring to a specific brand, is not supposed to be capitalized. Titles and names of associations or organizations are to be capitalized, ie. President of the National Association of Municipal Catering Managers.

You can compress your second paragraph to be better. Instead of utilizing two lines, create better flow and structure through saying:
There are two reasons that have made me agree with the school's view.
Is it required to have limited word count? If not, research a little bit more and add supporting details to your reasons. It will help discussing why these traditional values are important. What is the correlation of traditional food values with ketchup? How does ketchup influence the country in this manner?

Moreover, you can quantify what you mean by the health benefits of cutting off sugar. Discuss the quantity of sugar in ketchup. Is it really that bad that the entirety of ketchup has to be made illegal? Remember small facts like the fact that there are multiple types of sugar - and not all these are necessarily bad for someone's health.

Scholarship / Fulbright Personal Statement - study in the USA would be beneficial [3]

On a technical angle, start with reviewing your grammar usage. You had run-on and hanging sentences. There were a couple of instances wherein you dragged sentences longer than they should have. Let's look at your first paragraph. Study punctuation, demonstratives, and conjunctions. These three (true - even with most cases I have read here) are where most ESL learners struggle with.

I would have phrased your second to the last sentence as:
Women who have tragic events happen to them because of staying out late are subjected to scrutiny.
This is a more straightforward approach to relaying your story than adding unnecessary parts. Apply this method to your essay.
I also suggest looking into shortening your conclusion or last paragraph. There were instances wherein you dragged sentences longer than you should have. Omit what you can omit.

If you plan to talk about the influence of Daniel Kahneman into your career decisions, talk more about his work. Do not be afraid to go into details. Show enthusiasm about the field that other people may not even think about.

I also suggest merging paragraphs six and seven because they are directly correlated. It would better the structure of the essay. This is also because the thought from the sixth paragraph is still incoherent.

Also, look into rephrasing your last paragraph. Or if you want to retain the content, choose to add one paragraph that will expound more on what makes the education system of the United States better in terms of this field. What can this other country offer that your home country cannot?

Best of luck to you.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Letter to college administration showing interest in a course [3]

Is there a word count for the letter to be written?
If not, I would suggest that you talk more about your background. You can start by expounding on the skills that you have, what you can provide for the college, and the plans that you have for the future. Talk about why specifically this program - or rather, these courses - will make you grow both professionally and personally.

Furthermore, you can also discuss more about the city and country that the college is located in. Herein, you can discuss about what makes their academic environment the most conducive when it comes to llearning. The more you can get into the details, the better it will be for you.

I also would omit and replace the last sentence with something else more enthusiastic. You can perhaps say something along the lines of:
I am truly in awe about this opportunity. I would be grateful to be given the chance to work with you.

Scholarship / Educational background and desire - Why I deserve this xxxxscholarship? [2]

I suggest self-reviewing your essay. There were a few grammatical errors that involved punctuation, demonstratives, and conjuctions. A lot of these are noticeable in the manner in which you transition your words. By doing this, you will have better structure to make your essay easier to digest. Other than that, you can create a better rhythm for your essay if you cut down sentences. Tailor-fit and omit unnecessary words. This will enhance the readability of your text.

Speaking of structure, I suggest moving the second to the last paragraph in between your current first and second. After a self-introduction about the basic details about yourself, you can then tackle directly that you are applying for the scholarship. Afterwards, you can begin talking more about your background to assert your application.

In terms of content, your essay is quite packed. I appreciate that. It is great that you spoke in-depth about your experiences. I only suggest that you attempt to be more specific when you're describing your prospective plans. Discuss what specific parts about the program you are excited about.

Best of luck to your application.

Writing Feedback / "Parents should be free to decide whether or not to vaccine their babies" ARGUMENTATIVE ESSAY [6]

@freshjul287
I suggest that you review usage of articles and other grammar-related words. You should as well look into subject-verb agreements. There were a couple of mistakes scattered throughout the essay that I believe can easily be fixed through reviewing those material. The person above is right about capitalization.

There were instances in your essay wherein you should have omitted a few words to better the flow. For instance, your third paragraph is heavily structured. You could avoid this through creating shorter and more straightforward sentences. If you feel as though you can opt to make two sentences out of a single one, then it is best that you do that.

As for the content of your essay, it seems a bit imbalanced. You had two paragraphs dedicated for the benefits - however, you only had one that discusses the possible risks. While I think that this is because you're leaning more towards the benefits angle than the risks, you should still try to balance.

Furthermore, argumentative essays have a specific tone in them that is absent in here. Your essay came off more as an informative one because of how it articulated everything. Try refuting more than you are establishing claims.

You're on the track. Just make sure that you follow through with your tone and structure.

Writing Feedback / ''Help me with my process: How bricks are produced'' [3]

@dungpharma97
I suggest looking into finding better transitions for your essay. Avoid straining your sentences by extending unnecessarily the lines. For instance, your last paragraph can confuse readers as to how the two compartments delineate.

You can mention a line that is similar to this:
After the first compartment, the bricks are moved into a cooling chamber.
This will require more alterations for the paragraph, however it will ensure that readers are aware of the shift of environment of the bricks.

Writing Feedback / ielts task 2: discuss both views of choosing subjects at university [3]

I suggest revising how you started your second paragraph. To remove redundancies and create a more comprehensible narrative, you can omit the first phrase "on the one hand" because it does not contribute anything substantial to the essay. When making claims, make sure that you back them up with details. You can, for instance, discuss more about why careers are flexible over time.

You should as well reevaluate your usage of demonstratives, punctuation, and other grammatical tools. You should omit or avoid usage of unnecessary articles. This will make your writing structure better.

Look into using better transition words in, for instance, your third paragraph. Here's a revision suggestion for this paragraph's last lines:
It financially helps students with tight budgets when the curriculum is narrowed down to only the most important subjects. This will relieve students of unnecessary study time. Therefore, this can result to them having more time for activities that are beneficial for their mental and social health.

Here's also a general rule of thumb in academic writing: if you feel as though you can divide a sentence into two lines, opt to do that than creating heavy paragraphs.

Letters / One of your friends in a foreign country is starting an import-export business, and he has asked you [3]

I appreciate how straightforward your letter is. There are a couple of technical suggestions that I would like you to look over.
Firstly, I suggest that you look into your usage of demonstratives (those, that, this, these). There were some instances wherein there was a misuse in this. This can be a minute mistake that can be overlooked by some, however professional writing requires this to be fulfilled.

Secondly, the opening of the third paragraph of your letter should be reevaluated. There is no need to mention how it is a must for you to do so. I suggest that you simply open up directly that these objects are fully recommended by you. This can help with reducing redundancies in the narrative.

Lastly, you may find it useful for you to switch the second and third paragraph. This will create a better flow for your essay. I find that your current third paragraph is suitable to support why these products are marketable.

Scholarship / How this particular study can help me achieve my career goals [2]

I suggest mentioning more than what you have provided here. A well-thought out essay could help boost your applications. Academic institutions appreciate it more if you could expound about the particular skills that you wish to hone. You can talk more about your passion to teach in the future, for instance. This will enhance your application, making sure that the evaluators understand what values you treasure in life. Aside from that, it is always helpful to talk about the academic environment of the country you want to study in. Discuss here what makes Australia "high-quality" - or perhaps you can also discuss what makes this specific academic institution a perfect fit for you. Discuss what you can offer to their academic environment.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Money on protecting animals vs human well-being [3]

@anhpnguyen
To create a more natural flow in your essay, I suggest rephrasing some of your lines. Remember that when you're writing, you are writing with a specific flow in mind.

Let's take your first paragraph. I would rewrite this as:
Animals are indespensible companions of human beings because of how they offer assistance in many ways.
I suggest that you alter the last sentence of your first paragraph. An opinion would be better utilized in an essay if you could extend your argument. You could mention a shortened version as to why your argument is in this light. You can also just quickly say that there are benefits to retaining the government's budget allocation.

I also suggest revising your points of discussion in the essay. Because the subject of zoos and animal testing can be crossing an ethical line, it would be better to opt for a discussion on other ways that animals contribute to the well-being of humans. You can discuss, for instance, the topic of why ecological diversity is vital for human beings - or perhaps look for something similar.

Aside from this, a couple of faults come from grammatical errors - all of which can easily be altered through rereading, proofreading, and editing your essay once more.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 1 on maps / hydroelectric dam [3]

I suggest reviewing the usage of articles. Let's look at, for instance, your first paragraph. The article is supposed to be a instead of an before the word hydroelectric.

Watch out for instances wherein you use contradictory words to explain your thoughts. For instance, mentioning "almost totally" can appear to be confusing. Instead, you can save space through removing the "totally" as the almost is indicative of something incomplete than something that is concrete. I suggest rephrasing these words.

I also suggest being more straightforward with your usage of words. If you reread the text and feel that you may omit some words (mostly articles), then feel free to remove them to make your essay easier to comprehend.

The essay's last paragraph also is quite inconclusive. You may add a sentence at the very end that will focus on wrapping up what these significant changes mean for the dam itself. You can be more creative here than technical just to better the flow of the narration.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: more young people in society - evaluation of this trend [4]

Yanhong,

I suggest that you look into revising a few portions of your essay to make them easier to comprehend. Look into having a more direct approach to writing than adding lengthy phrases.

For instance, the last line of your first paragraph could be written as:
There are both drawbacks and benefits when a country is faced with the trend of a growing young population.
Another one could be for the last line of your second paragraph wherein it can be phrased as:
This causes the government to spend heavily on housing.
When you are laying down facts, avoid articulating it with uncertain language. Make sure that your language is firmer. For instance, avoid mentioning "may cause" or "might be" - instead, you can mention that these are all plausible results. This will make your article sound well-thought about and researched.

Lastly, I suggest revising your last paragraph. It appears to be an extended paragraph that can be divided into two different sentences than one. Make your conclusion clear and concise.

Research Papers / Is Medical radiation safe? [2]

Bframirez,
On a technical level, I suggest that you review the usage of punctuation. There were a few sentences wherein you could have utilized a comma or a semi-colon, however you simply continued on writing. Take, for instance, your first paragraph. You should also look into subject-verb agreements and grammatical errors that can easily be fixed.

I suggest that you add more concrete details to your explanations. When you first make mention of the common assumption about radiation's nature of being an unsafe substance, discuss briefly where this comes from. This will be a more grounded approach to your essay than simply letting it be.

Furthermore, you should avoid lengthy paragraphs. A typical paragraph length would be four to six paragraphs. Although there are instances wherein you justify length by saying that some sentences are intertwined, longer versions should be avoided. This can drag an essay down even if it is well-written. Take a look at your second and third paragraph. If you are worried that you might have too many paragraphs for a typical essay, you may omit certain unnecessary words to avoid this issue.

Regarding your usage of acronyms, once you declare an acronym, simply omit the whole meaning in the succeeding times. For instance, you do not need to mention digital radiography if you have introduced the acronym DR. Simply use DR in the next sentences - and that would still be academically acceptable.

Lastly, your usage of citations is also off-tangent. I notice that you are using MLA citations. You can simply use the name of the institution or last name of the individual followed by the page number (if available) in the in-text version.