Undergraduate / "The limit does not exist!" - Personal essay - Canadian destination [3]

Pham, you have too much going on in this personal statement. So much so that the paper comes across as not really having a valid point to its presentation. Is there any chance that you can share the personal statement prompt from the university that you are applying to? Once I know what the prompt requirements are, I can determine which paragraphs you should keep and which paragraphs you should discard. I am sure there are some parts of this essay that you can use. I just need to figure out which parts those will be. By the way, since this is not a research paper or an essay, there is no need for you to use references and in-text citations in the essay. You just have to identify the movie within the statement you are making. Other than that, there is no need for additional source representations. I also think the essay is running too long. A personal statement is usually only 250 words, with a maximum of 300-500 words. With over 800 words, you are definitely over the limit for a personal statement.

Undergraduate / What are the things most crucial to you and why? [7]

Warisha, this is a very impressive response that is only marred by one slight lightweight example that derailed the reading of your essay for a bit. If you would kindly remove the reference to keeping your writing assignments and its copies as proof of your improvement, the paper will have a smoother and more personal feel rather than suddenly turning academic then working it back to a personal note. There is a loss of attention on the part of the reader when that happens and it is difficult to refocus on the personal aspect of your personal growth when that happens. In order to retain the attention of the reader on the important personal growth discussion, remove the reference to the academic paper work. The personal journal story, observations, analysis, and self-evident growth makes the essay a more interesting and stronger read. The emotional connection in not broken in that instance, which leads to a strong finish for your response.

Undergraduate / Being Indifferent - Tell us about who you are. UBC [4]

Michell, since this is supposed to be a truthful and accurate written interview, you must be honest in your depiction of yourself. Do not hold anything back that might be important in building your paper image with the reviewer. That means, you must keep the part about being hard-headed at times because that helps to create a truly representative description of who you are. Remember, the reviewer is assessing your qualities as a person at this stage. So far, from the point of view of a reviewer or adcom officer, I do not see anything wrong with that statement because it ties in directly with your independent thinking and personality. If I would advise you to do some editing in this essay, it will be to combine your last 2 paragraphs into one. I would however, edit the presentation of the part about your graduating with the looks you get on the bus through a transition, but connecting sentence in the middle. The two descriptions, in my point of view go hand in hand and should not be separated from each other in order to create the strongest possible closing statement for your essay.

Graduate / Motivation Letter for a Scholarship application to study in Ms.c Computer Science. [4]

The letter that you wrote tends to go off the mark in most instances. You need only a few of the paragraphs that you wrote here in order to write a proper motivation letter. The paragraphs that you should use to comprise your revised and usable version are the following: 3,4,6, and 8. These show your motivation for your studies and how you were inspired to progress with your skills in this area. Combine paragraphs 6 and 8 into one in the revised version so that you will have an ample discussion paragraph that highlights the reasons why you feel that you are qualified for this scholarship based upon your motivations for higher study. You should also focus on explaining why you were motivated to seek admission to this particular university. Base it on the course curriculum in relation to your interests, as well as any training or internship programs that will help to develop your practical skills in relation to the demands of the workplace.

Graduate / SOP for Masters in Computer Science with Interest in Computer Vision and Machine Learning [2]

Parika, your essay is more of a personal statement than a statement of purpose. There are bits and pieces that you can use for the statement of purpose, specifically paragraphs 3-6 in relation to your academic and professional preparations for the course. The main problem with your essay is that you stress heavily on your potential to complete the course based on your academic and technical training, but you do not give a clear purpose for your desire for higher academic study. As a continuing education student, you need to have a clear direction, or purpose, for the additional training. This is something that can relate to your future career goals or promotion possibilities at your office, or the potential to spin off into a different or connected career within the next 5 years. You have to reflect something along those lines in the presentation. Additionally, you have to create a stronger reason or purpose for overseas studies at this university. Convince the reviewer that there is absolutely no way that the masters training you will receive in your country can compare or improve your theoretical and practical skills in a manner that this university can. That will help to explain why you chose this university in particular, which is a requirement of the statement of purpose. With any luck, you can edit your essay based upon my observations, using the parts from this version that are applicable, in order to create a new, more appropriate draft statement of purpose for your application.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Integrated task - three possible explanation regarding the origin of this old manuscript [2]

Behzab, your opening paragraph could have been stronger if you have indicated the criteria that was to be discussed in the essay, based upon the audio comparison that you listened to. There should have been a short description of what the book is, the material used, and why there is a controversy as to the actual source and publication date of the book. Then the criteria for judging the assumed publication date of the book should have also been presented. These should have been used as the topic sentences or opening sentences of your discussion paragraphs. Now, the biggest problem of the essay is that, rather than having you present your understanding of the discussion proposed per topic you practically take the quotes ad verbatim for your essay. That defeated the purpose of this essay which is to test your English comprehension skills. While you did recognize the important parts of the discussion, the fact that you could not paraphrase it means you did not totally understand what the meaning of the discussion was.

Writing Feedback / OBESITY IS A NEW DISEASE FOR CHILDREN [3]

Ama, your essay presentation is unique in the sense that the badly developed sentences can still be understood by the reader, although with a little bit of stress. You may not have properly developed your sentence structure in most instances, but the presentation is still right on the mark in terms of interpretation and discussion. Your ideas also need to be more adequately developed by having you focus on the more appropriate single reason per paragraph discussion. The single reason per paragraph format is:

1. Topic Sentence
2. Reason 1
3. Supporting explanation
4. Example
5. Transition sentence into the next paragraph

Use the above format for the body paragraph discussions and you should increase your task score in a strong manner. Your conclusion is also good. However, you should have presented a proposed solution as an example of the solution offered. Always give a solid example in order to show that you fully understand what the prompt requirements are.

Having given you my observations of your work, I would like to now give you a detailed breakdown for your scores:

TA - 6
C&C - 5
LR - 5
GRA - 4

The scoring above is based upon my assessment of your work per criteria. You should receive a similar, if not the same type of scores in an actual test from the examiner. The scores should help you note which parts of the essay practice you have to concentrate on developing. I suggest you work on the C&C and GRA sections by trying to write more fluent English sentences. Use online practice sites or available apps to help you improve in this section. More importantly, keep reading English materials so that you can gain a better idea as to how native speakers develop their sentence presentations.

Scholarship / Helping the poor and the underprivileged. Essay on my values and passion as a person [4]

Ameh, you should have a simple sentence or two at the start that will help you establish the foundation of your passion for helping people. You need to explain what circumstances led you to be motivated to help those in need. That in turn, should help you establish the situation or reason that led to this becoming your passion. While the story of helping the old man tugs at the heart strings, you are not writing a creative essay. You are writing a narrative essay that establishes who you are through your motivation and passion in life. Try to rephrase the essay in a manner that allows you to establish the foundation before you present the actions connected with it. That way the essay gains a better essence of how these actions developed who you are today. Don't rely on the story to establish that for you because it does not. In fact, aside from creating an interesting hook, it doesn't really help to establish any information about you in terms of motivation and passion development.

Writing Feedback / TASK 1 - BAR GRAPH - ANNUAL RIDERSHIP; public transport in Williamsville [5]

John, the final sentence presentation that you have in this essay is the more effective trending statement. You should have used that instead of the weak trending statement that you presented in the opening paraphrase. By the way, you need to be consistent in all of your sentences. You cannot have paragraphs with only 2 sentences then paragraphs with 4 sentences. You cannot have paragraphs with less than 3 sentences in them. That is a direct ruling for the C&C score. In addition to that, you also forgot to include the discussion instruction sentence in the opening paraphrase. You need to make sure that you present a proper and complete paraphrase of the discussion topic and instructions in order to gain the highest possible TA score for your presentation in that paragraph. Your information presentation is relevant and accurate enough based upon the information in the graph. However, you wrote a concluding representation when that is not required of the Task 1 essay. It is because of this concluding statement that you accidentally presented 2 trending statements when one was sufficient enough for the essay to be scored accurately.

Writing Feedback / Contrast paragraph between adulthood and childhood. [5]

Dat, It is best to not count off the facts you are presenting if you cannot do it consistently in the essay presentation. You started off with "firstly" then used other variations like "additionally", "another aspect" and sometimes, you don't refer to a count off at all. So it is best to not use that format because you will tend to forget to use it continuously in the essay. It will not have a bearing on your paper if you don't do that. In fact, it will create a smoother presentation that will allow the sentences to better connect in the presentation. Counting it off sounds like you are outlining information rather than discussing it. Your essay paragraph would have been more convincing if you made it seem like children also have duties such as the chores they have to do around the house to help their parents like washing dishes and similar actions. Comparing responsibilities would have, in my opinion, been the best approach to discussing the comparison paragraph.

Writing Feedback / TASK-2: schools are no longer necessary because there is so much information available through WWW [4]

fiZa, here is the scoring breakdown:

TA - 4, your opening paraphrase and body of paragraphs are only partially appropriate in response to the prompt. The original instruction is for you to discuss only one point of view using an "emotional" stance in the discussion. Instead you responded with only a basic disagreement, which is not the requirement of the prompt.

C&C - 5, whole you present a series of plausible discussion points, you do not present a coherently developed explanation because you are not attempting to develop one reason per paragraph as is required for a beneficial score.

LR - 5 - Your vocabulary is adequate for a beginner. You must work hard towards achieving the proper intermediate level so that you can increase your scoring consideration for this section.

GRA- 5 - You need to develop your ability to create more complex sentences. This is best accomplished by focusing on developing only one explanation per paragraph. The C&C and GRA scores go hand in hand so the better you develop the paragraph, the higher your score.

Essays / Help to start my essay conclusion - a character from the book called To Kill a Mockingbird [4]

Mike, you have to start writing the conclusion yourself and then post it here for review. I have nothing to base my suggestions for your conclusion upon at this point. Unfortunately, we are not a writing service so I cannot write the conclusion for you. However, once I read what you have written for your conclusion, the draft copy, I can easily help you improve upon the presentation and suggest methods by which to strengthen the last presentation in your essay. Just remember that the conclusion should always reflect what you learned from the story and the character. Make sure that you summarize the lesson learned in a manner that shows how you might be able to apply the coming of age of the character to your own life. That is, if the analysis instructions will allow you to do that. If you can, post your draft conclusion here when you can and I will review it and offer more appropriate suggestions for this development as soon as I can.

Writing Feedback / Students leave high school without learning the way how to manage their money. What are the reasons? [3]

Van, your opening paraphrase has a good topic sentence. The rest of the presentation in that paragraph is not the type of presentation that is expected of this paragraph though. What you did wrong was that you wrote only 2 sentences when you should have written at least 3 sentences for it. Here a sample of the content that this paragraph should have:

These days, students find themselves graduating from high school having learned very little to nothing about how to handle their finances. This essay will discuss a possible cause for this situation. In the end, I will also propose a possible solution to the problem.

Using the 3 sentence approach, you should be able to present, based upon the above example, the following:
1. Discussion topic - Students leave high school
2. Discussion reason - without learning the way how to manage their money.
3. Discussion instruction - What are the reasons and solution to this issue?

Using the above template, you should be able to maximize your TA scoring potential. That is, provided that you already know how to identify the required sentence representations in your paraphrased paragraph.

Now, this essay should only be composed of 5 interconnected paragraphs. It interconnects via transition sentences at the end of a paragraph. What you wrote are 6 stand alone sentence representations. That is not to be confused with a paragraph. The paragraph is meant to be composed of 5 sentences per paragraph. The paragraph number cannot exceed 5. So the ratio is 5:5. Remember that as the basic paragraph formula.

The body needs to represent 3 paragraphs containing the following representations:
1. Reason
2. Example
3. Proposed solution

After that, you can represent the summarized discussion in the concluding paragraph. Summarize the following in order to create a proper conclusion:
1. Discussion topic
2. Reason provided
3. Proposed solution

Based on the given discussion outline, what I have given you is the most applicable format for writing this type of essay. You have to remember that different discussion instructions require different approaches. You will need to familiarize yourself with each discussion instruction in order to learn how to properly discuss each one. You will not want for examples of those in this forum. I propose that you review them and learn what you can from them.

Letters / Email to my manager and request to be my reference [3]

The letter is too straightforward. You always need to use diplomacy and tact when writing these reference request letters because the person might not be inclined to do so for some reason. Always make sure that you appeal to the sense of friendship and camaraderie that you had with them in the past in order to make the letter more effective. Refer to the following example.

Dear XXX,
How have you been doing lately? I hope that you have been doing even better since we last spoke at Starbucks. Speaking of Starbucks, do you remember that I mentioned a potential employment opportunity that might be coming my way? Guess what, the company made an offer to me. I am really interested in getting this job as it has better benefits than my current one. The problem, is that even though I already have a formal offer from them, they would still like me to mention 2 names of my previous managers as character references. I hope you won't mind that I submitted your name in the list. I certainly hope that you can do this small favor for me. However, if you feel like there will be any sort of conflict with you for any reason, please don't hesitate to let me know so I can make the proper adjustments to my references.

I truly hope you can do this small favor for me. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving with your family. Please extend my regards to your Marge and the children.

Best Regards,
Ash

Scholarship / Transformative effect of learning experience. [2]

Ameh, aside from the multicultural learning environment, how do you hope to be transformed by the learning experience at the university? How do you hope to learn better there than in your country? What aspects of the university do you hope to tap into which will create a more learned person in yourself? Do not mention the transformative leadership program of Mastercard since you do not show any inclination towards developing your leadership skills at the university. That disconnects from the focus that you have which is only centered on diversity and tolerance. You need to show an idea of how you expect to have an overall transformation while at the university. The overall transformation should also focus on developing, not only who you are as a person, but also as potential leader in your marketplace. As an individual, what do you hope to learn from your peers and your professors? You need to focus at least half of the essay on the learning experience as well. Not just the academic.

Writing Feedback / Both charts gave the readers a glance of the education rates of different levels across the world [2]

Ellie, this essay will get an automatic failing score because you wrote only 141 words when the minimum is 150 words for this sort of essay. The reason you fell short is because you only have 2 paragraphs when the minimum requirement for task 1 is 3 paragraphs. If you had written at least 3 paragraphs, then you would have been assured of writing at least the minimum word count. Since this is a 2 illustration essay, you could have easily written it this way for a higher score:

Par. 1 - Summary overview with discussion instruction indicated
Par. 2 - Bar chart 1 information
Par. 3 - Bar chart 2 information
Par. 4 - Comparison information

There wasn't even a need to write a concluding paragraph as that is not required in an analytical essay of the task 1 type. I will not even continue to read the rest of your essay or advice you on the content because you missed the more important element, the opening summary, which would have set the tone for the overall information disseminated through this essay. It will be foolish of me to score something or advice on something that is part of a defective essay. The examiner would have also failed you by that point as well.

Writing Feedback / It is observed that some languages is diminishing as time goes. Saving those or not? [3]

Sumerlin, your introduction is not perfect. In fact, you show that you did not understand the prompt discussion instruction at all, which just caused you fail this essay test. While your topic paraphrase is acceptable, you made a mistake in your thesis statement because you did not bother to understand what you were being asked to do in the essay. I have a strange feeling that you added an additional discussion instruction that was not included in the original essay prompt. The comparative discussion essay is not included when an "extent" essay is required. Are you sure you did not make a mistake with this prompt? Did you just create this prompt requirement on your own? If you did, then you made a mistake. When you discuss both points of view and then offer your own opinion, you can no longer give an "extent" of agreement or disagreement of the essay topic. At this point, I will have to stop reviewing your essay because I already know that a serious mistake was made in the prompt representation. As an examiner, I would automatically give you a failing score. I will not even try to read the essay to the very end because you obviously cannot follow English instructions of the simplest kind.

Undergraduate / STUDY PLAN. I would like to ask if the Canada embassy will help me to achieve my goals [9]

Fufu, As an applicant for a student visa, you first have to establish that you have already been admitted to the next academic semester. That is established by the documentation that you will be submitting to the visa officer. There is no need to mention it as the opening statement of your essay. Next, you need to fully establish the reasons why you wish to study in Canada, at George Brown College to be precise. Explain what your major at the university is. Then convince the reviewer that you cannot get sufficient education in this field in your home country. Describe the educational situation there that makes this impossible for you to do. Focus not only on the major you have chosen, but the reasons that you want to study in Canada. What is your study plan? What will be focus of your Canadian education be? Why is it important to you that you complete the focused study in Canada? Since you are expected to submit a study plan, you have to envision what kind of process your Canadian education will have to go through in order to accomplish your academic objectives. You have to state the academic objectives in relation to the study plan as well.

Scholarship / My journey to study in the United States. [3]

Naseer, your essay is running too long at this point and you still have not covered all of the important bases required for presentation in the essay. If I were you, I would not try to tell my autobiography in this essay. Instead, I would compartmentalize my presentation to only a specific highlight for each section. That way I can present relevant information, without risking any boredom setting in with the reviewer. For starters, you can cut to the chase in your opening paragraph by immediately indicating that you are a published author, then backtracking to say that the reason you got a book published is because you were poor in math. I noticed that in that section, you said that this was pivotal in developing your interest in science and led you to Civil Engineering. You will need to expand on that presentation in order to show the academic path that you ended up taking. The rest of the essay seems to be a good narrative. The problem though is that you are not discussing your future goals and career objectives clearly. You will need to present that discussion towards the end of the essay.

Scholarship / Programming is fascinating to me. Essay on motivation, passion and values. [2]

Ameh, this is not really a passion and motivation topic that you presented. In fact, this is does not relate to the prompt at all. When you are asked about what your passion and what motivates you, try to think of something that you do which you feel helps you to improve a particular aspect of your personality or your community. For instance, you could be passionate about animals rights, which is why you were motivated to join an animal rescue group. That is the sort of thing that you should be thinking about in response to the prompt. Your passion for something should motivate you to become a better person or turn you into a notable member of the community. That way you can easily reflect upon who you are and how your values were created based upon your passion and motivation to succeed at something. The current presentation you have does not allow you to represent such a response. It would be best if you chose a different topic for the prompt and just wrote a new essay that better aligns itself with the prompt requirements.

Undergraduate / Will it be beneficial to teach students of distinct abilities collectively? [5]

Chinky, your concluding paragraph is what destroyed the ability of this paper to get a high score. Your concluding sentence did not conclude the discussion but rather, continued the discussion because you are discussing how it is important to encourage the teaching of children of different abilities together. This is a new avenue of information that should have been given its own paragraph before your wrap up paragraph. Since that is not what you did in this instance, your essay became open ended. This will be easily noticed by the reviewer who will immediately mark down your TA score due to the improper concluding sentence. Remember, the concluding sentence functions in the same way as the opening paraphrase. This time, it should only summarize and represent the previous discussion in a concluding form. You do not have a problem with your English grammar. You discussed the topic well throughout the body of paragraphs. That is why I am wondering how you could have made such a mistake in the concluding paragraph. Be aware of how you are writing and what you are writing. Make sure you don't continue the discussion beyond the 3 body paragraphs.

Writing Feedback / Product variety and supply chain [3]

Chen, what exactly is the point of this statement? I know from the presentation that this is not for an IELTS or TOEFL test. So this must be an introduction to a research paper? If so, I have to tell you that the thesis statement is not clear and because I do not know what the point of this statement is, I have no idea as to how the information in the paper should be taken. What exactly are you trying to discuss? Is it the product level or the supply chain strategy? Those are two different topics for presentation. Is this a summary of a report that you read? I am not really sure what I am supposed to take away from this paper because you have not made it clear to the reader. There seems to be a sort of outline within this paragraph so I hope that you will be developing it in your future presentation of this paper. As of now, this draft needs to be further developed into a full presentation so that a more accurate review can be done.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITNG 1: The total number of Olympic medals won by twelve different countries. [3]

Nguyen this essay should have been discussed by group using the parallelism method. That means, you should have grouped the countries for discussion based on a bracket of similar numbering. Take note of the following information:

China and Japan won a similar number of medals
East Germany, Hungary, Australia and Sweden have a running total of almost the same number
Italy and Germany, almost the same digits also
France and UK have a slight difference in numbers but run parallel to each other
The Soviet Union and the United States lead the pack with differing numbers

Based on the above information, you could have easily created a more informative and inclusive set of analytical reports for the bar graph provided. Your analysis of the graph is incomplete, you do not list the names of the countries involved in the graph, and you also do not consider any bracket discussions for the presentation that would have allowed you to present all 12 countries and their medal count in the discussion, which is part of the discussion requirements.

Undergraduate / How I'm the next Macgyver (UC prompt 3) opener [2]

Madison, since this essay is supposed to be a type of interview, you may want to consider opening the essay with a reminder of what the prompt is all about. I would have opened the essay with something more prompt related, for relevance sake, by saying something like:

People know me better for my skill in football than by my lesser known skills. While everyone knows I can easily score a winning touchdown, not everyone knows that I have skills akin to MacGyver. Think of me as a person of many talents and skills. Got a milk carton and a non working movie projector? Watch me work my magic. I'll bring that projector to life.

This prompt shouldn't be written in a direct manner. This is the one time that you can actually be creative in your narrative, within 350 words. Make sure you dazzle the reviewer with your presentation. Your opening statement has potential, but could be improved upon. Try to write the whole response essay first and work on revising bits and pieces next. That way you at least have a goal or direction for the paper to fall into as you edit the content.

Writing Feedback / All young people should be encouraged to try new sports, including extreme sports? [3]

Kathrin, what is the complete prompt that you are responding to? What kind of test is this for? Is this supposed to be a direct question essay? I am unsure as to how you can improve this writing because I have no idea what kind of test you are preparing for. The advice you were given by the others may or may not be applicable to your writing, depending upon the type of test and actual prompt you are responding to. I would like you to post the complete prompt for this essay so that I can offer you a proper and accurate review of your problem points and the methods by which you can improve your writing. Right now, it seems like your opening paraphrase feels incomplete and insufficient. I can gauge that better once you deliver the original prompt requirements in your response to my post. Your concluding statement continues to introduce new information to the reader, which means it cannot be scored as a concluding statement. Once I know what the discussion process for this essay is, I can better instruct you as to how to properly close this essay. Your discussion seems sound and informative. However, I am not sure about how applicable it is in terms of the prompt discussion requirements.

Writing Feedback / task 2 essay : Gender Inequality Aspect In The Professional Zone [8]

Nguyen, please remember to post the complete original prompt next time and not just the topic for discussion. I need to know what the instructions for the discussion is so that I can create a proper assessment of your essay. At the moment though, even without the original prompt, I can tell you that this is a highly problematic essay that would not get a passing score as an actual test essay.

The first problem is with your opening statement. You did not deliver a simple paraphrase of the original prompt and instructions. Unfortunately, I cannot show you a proper example of this prompt since you did not upload all of the requirements I require for that part of the review. By the way, you are not supposed to separate your opinion from the paraphrase statement. You also should not deliver a partial discussion of the prompt in that area either. A simple implied opinion is all that is required.

You over discussed the body of paragraphs. There are only supposed to be a maximum of 5 sentences in each paragraph. Believe me, with the time allotted and the review, editing, and finalizing of the content that needs to be done, the 5 sentence maximum is more than sufficient for the reasoning and example portion of the essay.

Your concluding sentence is also wrong. Rather than summarizing the previous discussion as required by the format, you continued the discussion then just stopped talking. That is not how you write a proper conclusion.

If you want to learn how to properly write a Task 2 essay, I recommend that you review the other practice essays of the other exam takers here. They have previously been given advice that you might find useful as you continue to practice Task 2 essay writing prompts.

Scholarship / My motivation, passion and values as a person. [3]

Ugbashi, you have written a very passionate essay here. The problem, is that it does not reflect a clear motivation that directs towards who you are and what your values are. Which of the two is your true motivation? The ineffective leadership of your country, or the making of an effective leader? You need to pick one and focus the development of that essay on that topic. If you can clarify your subject, you should be able to better reflect the motivation for your actions in relation to your personal values. From the looks of it, you are motivated by the desire to become an effective leader in Africa in the future. So that is your motivation. How does this motivation find itself reflected in your personal values, which in turn, has helped to create the person you are today? Do not treat this essay as a personal statement. Instead, use a reflective tone in writing it. Don't just tell us about the course that you took. Rather, explain to us how this course relates to your motivation and why completing this course helped you developed your personal character and personal values as well. Everything in the essay has to come full circle. So it is motivation, personal reflection, then values. That is the order of writing that you have to follow in order to clearly respond to the prompt.

Undergraduate / Perfect Candidate for FIT? Admissions Essay - Advertising and Marketing Communications [3]

Kaleb , the whole essay works quite well within the prompt requirements. With that said, I think that there is only one section that seems to have come out of the blue and doesn't really gel with the total essay. If you notice, paragraph 2 has a slight deviation with the presentation of your attending home-school and the cancer diagnosis of your grandmother. If you remove that paragraph, you will notice that the essay becomes smoother in presentation and has only connecting paragraphs that continuously enhance the presentation of your interests, training, and influences. All of which are required by the prompt. By the way, please make sure that the fashion stylist will be writing a recommendation letter for you because you mentioned him by name. It stands to reason that he will either be recommending you as a student or, he will at least be available for an interview on your behalf. You might also want to consider mentioning the major that you are specifically interested in either at the start or towards the end of the essay because your story has to justify your chosen major. The reviewer needs to be reminded of what major you have chosen. These are just simple edits that should help to enhance the overall feel of the essay and make it more informative. You have a pretty strong essay here. I know it can help with your application.

Writing Feedback / Essay about general&specific education - Writing IELTS Task 2 [3]

Rizka, your opening paraphrase is too similar to the original and will be failed because of it. Most of the presentation is actually simply a cut and paste of the original prompt and that will be considered plagiarism, which will affect your Task Accuracy score. It will be affected because you have shown evidence of your inability to restate an instruction in your own understanding, using your own words, which is the purpose of the opening statement. Additionally, this is not a comparison essay but rather, a single personal opinion essay. Therefore, your discussion of the essay, which is in comparative form, is another error which will lead to the total failing score of this essay in an actual test.

Here is a sample of a more relevant paraphrase:
Countries these days have 2 types of school systems. The first, allows the student to focus his studies on the development of his knowledge in relation to his chosen career. The other school, teaches the students a variety of subjects instead of focusing on just one specialization like the previously mentioned school. I believe that focusing on subjects in relation to the student's chosen career is the more appropriate education method these days. Let me explain why below.

Since you need to be convincing in your discussion, you must avoid using descriptive words such as "perhaps", which indicates an indecision on the part of the writer. Since you are being asked to choose one side to discuss, you must do so with an air of authority and belief in your statement. Saying words like, "I believe" and "I am convinced" would do that in the paragraph. Additionally, you cannot start a sentence with the connecting word "Because". Rather, you should simply have started with "Students can learn based on..." instead.

Scholarship / What motivates you and what you are passionate about. MCF [4]

Edgar, you gave a very good response to the essay. However, you do not really explain how this motivation to protect the environment reflects who you are as a person or your values. This is something that you should be responding to in the second paragraph. Use the sentence that says you are an environment coordinator at your job. From there, explain how your passion for the environment reflects who you are based upon your chosen profession. Don't speak so technically in the essay as you are doing now. You should look into presenting information as to how being an environmentalist is a passion for you and helps to enhance your character traits within those interests. First, you should think of why you decided to become an environmentalist. Then think of how your personality has changed because of this interest. How have you become a better person through the motivation to save the environment? These are the criteria that could help you come up with a response as to how your motivation and passion has reflected who you are in accordance with the values you developed through your participation in this cause.

Research Papers / Peer-Review Needed for ENG102 course. Managing the Unmanageable [2]

Laura, as the questions above are meant for peer review responses from your classmates, I will refrain from answering those and instead, give you an opinion of the work that you have done. I found the introduction interesting to read, but not really connected to ADHD in reference in an immediate manner. You should try to introduce the idea of how ADHD affects the classroom performance earlier in the introduction. Right now, the opening statement makes it sound like you will just be discussing how to control a rowdy classroom instead of a child afflicted with a neurological disorder. Try to make the clear connection within the first 2 or 3 sentence instead of at the very end with a clearer explanation coming in the second paragraph. Make the case study clear from the very beginning in order to prepare the reader about the topic as soon as possible.

There is also the situation of certain paragraphs having a consistent presentation of paraphrased information. While paraphrasing is good, the consistent in-text citation makes it seem like you are not trying to deliver a personalized paper. The reliance on the paraphrase limits your ability to properly explain what you understood of the reading material. Try to add more discussions relating to examples from your experience or popular information. That way, you create an more personalized understanding and explanation of the in-text information.

The later parts of the paper indicate that you clearly understand how to deal with ADHD situations in the classroom. The problem, is that you only imply this information instead of portraying it as a personal experience. If you can relate a more personal example in reference to certain discussion points, you will have an even stronger essay presentation. Try to offer some personal opinions whenever possible. That makes it clear to the reader that you were involved in the research and its real time applications through your insights into various discussion points and situations.

Scholarship / Positions of leadership you have undertaken and what you did individually to make a change- MCF [3]

Kenechukwu , I have a different opinion from Ameh . You need to keep the second paragraph but focus it less on the "we" part so that is can focus more on the "I" in terms of your leadership that led to the community outreach projects that you enumerated in the paragraph. I believe you should also better develop the presentation of the case challenge with your peers. You said that you were a leader in this instance and your team came in second. Were you able to make this product proposal function within a community setting? If you did, then you should definitely build up that presentation. Your college experience doesn't really indicate a community based leadership experience for you. That is why I decided to advice you against using it. The last 2 will do the job sufficiently provided you increase the narrative in relation to the competition and its applicability in a community setting.

Graduate / STATEMENT OF PURPOSE WITH REGARDS TO MASTERS PROGRAM IN ROBOTICS [2]

hamza, your SOP is truly confusing to read. I had a hard time wrapping my head around the information, and I had to look for pertinent information in relation to your MS interests. I suggest that you whittle this essay down to the more relevant discussion only. Using what you can from this essay, as per my suggestions, and then writing a new version that incorporates the old information with the new requirements. As far as I can tell, you can use the following paragraphs from this version: 2, 3, 4,6.

Use the information in the 4th paragraph to highlight your academic preparations with regards to your interest in this masters course. If possible, indicate your thesis project in relation to robotics that can highlight your technical skills in lieu of your professional skills. I noticed that you don't have any professional skills yet so I am assuming that you are entering the MS classes straight from your undergraduate studies (?).

Portray the idea of what you want to accomplish as a future robotics scientist. What is the short term plan for your career? How does this line of study help to prepare you for that? Indicate some sort of thesis proposal for your masters studies that aligns with those plans in order to prove that you are serious about your application. More importantly, you need to better develop the reasons why you opted to seek admission to this particular university beyond the common information such as a qualified staff. Was it the training? The course curriculum? The opportunity to work with a notable robotics professor, that drew you to the institution? Sell them on the idea that your learning interests will be best addressed by attending this university. Your closing statement does not convince me of that.

Writing Feedback / Some people are afraid of new things therefore they stick to what they know [5]

Chinky, this is an almost perfect essay. Your opening statement has only one imperfection. The first sentence. It is not in compliance with the original prompt statement. The more accurate representation is:

There are two sets of beliefs regarding change that people support these days. The first set, believe that changes should be accepted in an affirmative manner. Others, would rather stick with the status quo. In this essay, I will discuss these two types of mindset along with my personal opinion based upon public knowledge and understanding.

You must also remember to always maintain the format tone of presentation in the essay. So using casual English words such at "etc" is unacceptable in this essay. Rather than saying "etc." just say, "among others" or "among other things". That is the more formal presentation for that implied situation.

Writing Feedback / Companies should actively recruit younger employees who have greater potential to learn [4]

@kuan446697 your line of reasoning in the essay is faulty. You have not appropriately defended your first line of reasoning in the second paragraph because you indicated that the older people cannot satisfy the requirements based upon social experiments. You did not indicate what experiments these were, who conducted it, and what the results were. Therefore, your line of reasoning is incomplete. This will lower your C&C score tremendously. That is why it is of the utmost importance that only publicly known information be shared as evidence in these essays. When you do not have time to accurately defend a line of reason, you will lose in the C&C scoring section. You should not have included such a reference in order to have kept the paragraph strong. This also made your concluding statement hearsay and without merit. Hence, the essay will get a low score due to questionable arguments.

Research Papers / An article review on the intercultural communicative competence and language teaching [2]

Nguyen , since I do not have access to the original article that your review was based upon, I can't really tell if you accurately dissected the various aspects of the article that you reviewed. Basing my observations on a blind review, I would have to say that you did a pretty good job of analyzing the article for strengths and weaknesses. Although, I feel like a more comprehensive review of the weaknesses of the article could still be done. That said, I believe that your review is sufficient enough for the purpose it was developed for. I wish that you had remembered to indicate each of the 3 questions that were to be responded to in the essay though. It would have helped create a more intricate review of the article and would have helped to remind the reader about the purpose for your review. Overall though, I believe you did a pretty good job with this review essay. Though some grammar problems exist, it does not change the message of the sentence nor does is create a confusing presentation. The reader can easily fill in the blanks in such situations in order to understand what you are trying to say.

Writing Feedback / Proportion of older and young people in the society [2]

Arlen, while your opening statement is a somewhat accurate depiction of the original prompt, it falls under the minimum sentence requirement for the complete paragraph by one sentence. So expect a lower C&C score in the overall consideration. Your first sentence should have been separated by a period instead of a comma.

You have a problem with sentence clarity that will affect your C&C score as well. In the second paragraph, your last 2 sentences do not have a clear topic and meaning. It leaves the reader wondering about what you are trying to say. Your third paragraph has a missing connecting word between "They" and "born". The missing word is "are". This creates a stressful situation for the reader which will then lower your GRA score.

Your concluding paragraph is acceptable and has accurately closed the essay. You managed to get the essence of the overall discussion into the final summary which shows that you know how to appropriately close these sorts of essay.

Graduate / SOP for Data Science Admission; What exactly is a hacker? [4]

Shulan, you are taking too much of a casual tone in the writing of this SOP. You should try to be more academic in presentation because you are formally applying for admission to a course that requires a degree of seriousness in its approach. Therefore, you must revise the essay to create a more formal and respectful tone for the reviewer to read. You should start by changing the opening paragraph. Try to avoid using the term "hacker" in the essay because, even though there are some professional, paid hackers, the connotation of the word is still on the negative side in most of the computer world. It is still an underground reference for all intents and purposes. Paragraphs 2 and 3 can be used as is. Lose the first sentence in paragraph 4 because the focus of this paper should immediately be on your professional experience. There is no need to flowery language. Just go direct to the point at all times because the reviewer doesn't have the time to waste in reading your paper and trying to get to the point you are trying to make. Just make the point as soon as you can. Paragraph 5 can also be used intact. Paragraph 6 requires a more university centered discussion that focuses on your 5 year career plan and how the university you have chosen can help you kick start that plan.

Scholarship / "Shape the city with AI"; Artificial Intelligent and Deep Learning has bright future [2]

Robert, what you have written is not a proper KGSP Goal of Study / Study plan. In this essay, you are supposed to discuss what your potential thesis project will be all about. What research are you interested in accomplishing during your final year of study? How is this project supposed to help change the way AI is used or developed? What you have to do at this point is present a project proposal with a project title, outline of potential research topics, and a detailed explanation of how this is to be completed and accomplished within the time allotted during your studies in Korea. What is your expected final outcome? How or which Korean companies or research facilities of the university will you be using? This is not a plan regarding how you will spend your time in Korea. Rather, this is an essay that should detail the seriousness of your intention to be an exemplary student during your time there. Only the first paragraph of this essay will be usable in the revised format. You will need to respond to the questions I posed earlier in this post in the revised essay in order to create a more appropriate draft of your goal of study / study plan.

Scholarship / Learning new things has always been a great motivator for me. Essay for MasterCard [4]

Kenechukwu , from the way I reviewed your essay, it appears that learning is not the great motivator for you. Rather, teamwork is what motivates your ability to learn. I believe that you have the correct essay but the wrong presentation. Why don't you try to present the essay in a different manner and see if you like how it turns out? I am suggesting the following presentation for your paragraphs, which I believe will help you to present a stronger essay without having to change the topic for discussion. Try to do the following rearrangement in paragraph from (in numerical order) 4, 3,2. Paragraph one disconnects in meaning and presentation from the other 3 paragraphs so you may want to write a new concluding paragraph instead. One that is more aligned with how teamwork motivates you to reach a satisfactory conclusion.