Writing Feedback / [task 1] Below is a map of the city of Brandfield - investments plan [3]

Gang, youwerethisclose to getting a 9 score from me. Do you want to know what made me downgrade your score to an 8? While you did cover all of the tasks sufficiently, you created a prompt deviation when you said that you would "summarize the advantages and disadvantages" you inadvertently created a prompt deviation. Why is it a prompt deviation? The "advantage and disadvantage" discussion is not part of the original prompt. You added a discussion that was not indicated in the original. You know what happens when you do that right? It was enough to simply make comparisons and indicate those differences within the body as part of the "comparison" discussion. There was no need to add "advantage and disadvantage" to the prompt. Remember, your aim is to create a close replica of the original prompt. That means you cannot change the discussion in any way. Overall though, perfect discussion. Just as I expected you to produce. Aside from that oversight, you have a pretty solid and high scoring essay here.

Scholarship / Student Council & Project Manager - Leadership Chevening Essay [2]

Ayu, for this essay, you are not required to present an academic leadership experience. That is not a valid leadership and influencing presentation because the scholarship committee is focused on finding leaders and influencers who are professionals or already working in the field that they hope to gain a masters degree in. From the presentation in your essay, your professional experience will not qualify you for the scholarship because you discussed how you learned how to become a leader instead of how you lead and influence people. That is why you will have to write a new essay that delves more in exemplifying your leadership and influencing skills towards a successful project. Never discuss a failed project in this essay because that automatically tells the reviewer that you are not a qualified applicant for the scholarship. After all, you are being considered for the program due to your successful undertakings, not because you failed to lead and learned how to lead on the job. Your professional presentation pictures you as a leader only because you learned how to delegate jobs. That is not exactly a leadership skill. You have to actually be doing a job in line with leading your people. There is no influencing reference either. Just giving them authority to represent does not mean you influenced them towards doing something successful for the project.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1-The charts below give information on the ages of people when they got married... [4]

@madeline8484 your summary overview is missing a few details that could have made it stronger. You should not have immediately jumped to the trending sentence as that is the last presentation in this particular paragraph. What you needed to do was list the ages that were for consideration in the graph and the measurement method. Base the information you are presenting only on the information presented in the essay. While it is acceptable to say "in an unknown country" as that is implied in the essay and could be based on an obvious observation, which is part of your analytical ability presentation, you could have also not mentioned the country at all and it would have no effect on your score. By adding the "unknown country" reference though, you showed a keener analytical skill that can be used to help boost your final score in the TA aspect. When you discuss a comparative chart, you should never forget to mention the years at the start of the paragraph since the reader does not know which aspect of the chart you are presenting for their consideration. A quick mention within the first sentence accomplishes that task. Now, while you presented an effective individual comparison per chart, there should have also been a cross comparison between the two years in order to create a full, and in-depth analysis of the essay. That would have created a higher scoring basis for your essay. However, even without that, your essay is verging on getting a higher than average mark in the overall score.

Graduate / Need input of MS Environmental Studies Statement of Purpose - graduate program [4]

Alyssa, your essay is all over the place. It is not focused on becoming an SOP, Rather, you developed a Study Plan essay. Set this aside for future use. In case the university asks you to create a study plan, you just have to edit the content of this essay to be a little more responsive and you will have an effective study plan. In the meantime, work on creating a more appropriate SOP. Let me see if I can help guide you through that maze.

Since you are now applying for admission to an MS degree, there is an assumption that you have completed your university studies in Environmental Studies with a concentration on Energy. From this point, the opening statement of this essay must indicate that you have been working in this field for X number of years already. Then, it should explain what frustrations you have in this line of work and what problems you are facing which you seem incapable of handling at the moment, based on your previous training.

The next paragraph should clearly represent what your overall learning was during your college education in this field. Then add information about any seminars or training that you completed as proof of continued learning and training in this field. These information will help to establish that you have a solid foundation in Environmental Studies in relation to your profession.

Proceed with discussing how you came to be attached to your current employer, what your current position is, and where you hope to take your career after you complete this MS course.

Then explain why you chose X university and this particular MS course among all the other universities that offer the same course. What do you hope to learn? From whom? What will your focus be on in terms of actual problem solving? You can provide a summary of your masters thesis in this paragraph.

Close the essay. Reiterate your availability to attend the university during the upcoming semester. Make sure to review and proof read your essay before you submit it.

By completing the instructions above, you will create a more comprehensive statement of purpose for presentation along with your other application documents.

Scholarship / Project Management Practicioner - Networking Chevening Essay [8]

Ayu, your essay covers networking and influencing in its presentation. The problem that you resolved is not an example of a networking skill but rather, an influencing skill. Therefore, that is not the correct example to give in this presentation. The proper networking example should be one that shows the skills that are involved or that you use in an effort to create a network of usable contacts within your profession. These are the contacts that you (hopefully) continue to cultivate and whose presence can help you and the other Chevening members in the future. There is no clear discussion as to the type of network that you have created, in what field of work, and how you hope to use this network in the future. Additionally, you have not included a discussion as to how this particular chain of contacts can help to improve the existing Chevening network in order to offer guidance and assistance to the Chevening scholars who may need it in the future. Revise the essay by correcting my aforementioned observations. That should help to better direct your essay towards the necessary response.

Writing Feedback / Some people believe that the amount of time that is put into art could be better managed [5]

@just_writer writing more than the minimum word requirement is useless if you do not deliver on the expected scoring considerations of an IELTS essay. Your TA score will be based on your paraphrasing, which was inadequate due to an incomplete presentation in this instance. Your LR score requires you to write expanded paragraphs in order to prove that you have enough English vocabulary knowledge to at least have a simple discussion with people. The C&C, is required to show that you are capable of presenting solid thoughts and information in a manner that your future teacher will be able to understand. The overall presentation and word count, including proper sentence development and punctuation is scored in the GRA section. The fact that you under delivered and created mostly run-on sentences in this essay tells me that you will not get a very good score had this been an actual test.

In the TA section, your paraphrasing doesn't offer a comprehensive understanding of the original prompt This should have been presented in complete sentences in order to qualify as a complete paragraph. Take this as an example:

While art is considered as one of the more important subjects in school by some, others do not believe that this is a viable use of learning hours. Both points of views shall be discussed in this essay along with my personal take on the topic. Additionally, I will be providing supporting elements and precedents that can help support my presentation.

Please notice how I completed represented the prompt discussion topic and information presentation style in a manner that uses different words from the original, but still kept the original meaning. That is how you paraphrase a statement. This is what makes a strong TA assessment presentation as well.

As for your paragraph problems, you just have to remember that the more sentences you present, the more useful words you will be using in your discussion. The individual sentences help to increase the C&C, LR, and GRA scores. Writing one complete thought in an extremely long sentence is not only useless because your sentence doesn't really make a point, but also because the reader will not be able to connect the ideas you are presenting in order to better understand your presentation.

Writing Feedback / Should long-term job-seekers in receipt of government benefits be made to do voluntary work [4]

Astha, you must always provide the complete original prompt requirement along with your response to the topic. You cannot provide only the topic for discussion without the instructions as to how to discuss it and then expect a comprehensive review of your work. Kindly remember to include the original prompt next time.

As of now, I can tell you that you have a problem with your body paragraph development. You present too many ideas in one paragraph. The requirement is just one idea per paragraph. The one topic requirement per paragraph is aligned with the scoring considerations for the Coherence and Cohesiveness section of the essay. You must provide a complete presentation of the idea and a thorough discussion supporting it. Evidence and personal experience may be required in such a discussion. With a 5 sentence limitation on strengthening each paragraph, you can see why you cannot present more than one discussion per paragraph. Keep that in mind for your next practice test.

Additionally, your paragraph creation is erratic. You must be consistent in presenting the minimum 3 sentence requirement for each paragraph. I know it seems like it is difficult to do. However, achieving the 3 sentence presentation is as easy as simply presenting your discussion in short sentences. Keeping each idea separate in presentation but connected to one another in the discussion.

Scholarship / All of experiences has changed me to be an open-minded and appreciated person. Networking essay [3]

Rutmana, these are very basic networking skills that do not really show off an impressive and Chevening related connection of professional contacts. You only indicated that you got to know your student's parents, which inspired you to develop activities, that is more of a leadership and influencing trait rather than a networking ability. Even when you joined PAKSU, you did not give an idea as to how this organization that you joined helped you to develop your professional network. The development of the professional network is the whole point of this presentation. As a leader in your profession, it stands to reason that you have a network of contacts who have helped you to become an effective and influential leader. I do not get an idea of such a thing existing for you in this essay. Which is probably why you neglected to discuss the most vital component of this essay prompt. Where is the explanation as to how this network you have created can help you as a Chevening scholar and how, if ever, can this network and your expanded network after your studies, help the past, present, and future Chevening scholars develop their own networks in a similar line of work? It is not discussed in your essay. You have to write a new essay. One that better suits the prompt requirements because at the moment, I this essay will not help solidify your application status. It lacks the necessary information to strengthen your other documents and essay presentations.

Scholarship / DAAD scholarship is giving tremendous encouragement for young people interested in academic degrees [9]

Mara, it is never okay to use an old letter for the same application. The reason behind that is simple. Since you are a second time applicant, you must explain some improvements or changes that you have made since the last application. As such, you should not rehash the same information in the new letter. The second letter should be an improvement over the first. Signifying a growth in your motivation, or changes that have occurred in your life since then. It is more than likely that your name will pop up as a second time applicant in the system when you submit your documents. Your old documents will then also come up as part of the consideration process. If you only made slight changes to the old letter, then it will be quite obvious to the reviewer who will then think about whether or not he should consider your application based upon the fact that your situation remains little unchanged. Write a fresh letter. One so far removed from the first one you submitted that the reviewer will take note of the improvements in your motivation and decide that you might be worth a second look and a second chance as an applicant.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays, a lot of new, big supermarkets are appearing every day - what about local business? [4]

Before I proceed, I would like to respond to the question that you posed in a previous thread. It is important that you follow the English written grammar rules when writing an IELTS or TOEFL essay. I do not know who told you that it is not important to capitalize the letters in an IELTS test. That is not the case. There is a specific section that scores your ability to properly construct sentences and paragraphs within the given English writing requirements. That is scored in the GRA or Grammar Range and Accuracy portion. The main requirement there is that you show a good grasp of sentence development through the use of the proper punctuation marks. That is a clear indication in the scoring system. That is why I am worried that whoever is teaching you to write these essays is doing you a disservice by offering you the wrong advice, which could result in your failure to score a passing mark in the actual test. Now, on to your new essay proper.

Your opening statement is still highly similar to the original statement provided. You must avoid doing this because you are being scored on your ability to restate the discussion topic and discussion process in your own words. That is how you prove that you have the comprehension skills to follow instructions and participate in proper discussions when you get to class. In order to present a totally different paragraph that still says the same thing, you should try something like:

Supermarkets are becoming more common in various countries. This has resulted in the closure of most small commercial establishments which has led to an assumption on the part of most people that local communities may cease to exist due to the demise of certain local trading establishments. I partially agree with this idea based upon a few personal reasons and examples.

You have an erroneous closing paragraph. Yet again, you continued to discuss reasons based upon the original prompt discussions in a section that is not meant to contain a new topic discussion. Rather, the closing statement must follow the same presentation as the opening statement. Only this time, you should include a summary of the reasons that were discussed in the body of paragraphs. That is the formal template for all IELTS essays and should be followed at all times.

Scholarship / The current situation has limited UK actions in Syria, still, I've tried to sound reasonable [3]

Mmeduh, your desire to become a member of the JCI Aleppo chapter is admirable and your cause is heartfelt. However, JCI is an American organization that has overseas NGO representation. It is not a UK based NGO. What your post study plan needs to represent is a continued connection between the interest of your country and the current UK projects in Aleppo.

You will need to find an additional organization, one that is UK based for you to collaborate with. While you will not need to delete JCI completely from the discussion, the UK based organization and its relationship to your future career plans must be the highlight of the essay. The relationship cannot be based upon your creation of your agency alone. There have to be existing projects in the UK that you can help to represent Chevening as a graduate in.

As of this moment, you are focused on cultivating the wrong diplomatic relationship. While the JCI does has UK representation, it is not UK based, which is why it doesn't fully respond to the requirement that you consider the ongoing UK projects in your country when you respond to the prompt.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] We lived in a world of technology these days. Opinion essay. [4]

SG, since this is an ongoing discussion, the use of present tense words is required. Therefore, you do not say "outweighed" but rather "outweighs". This signifies that the discussion is one that is current and without a foreseeable conclusion at the moment. I would also like to offer an additional reminder regarding the opening paragraph. This is meant to only be a representation of your English comprehension skills. That is why the rules of writing for this essay dictate that you cannot openly present and discuss an opinion within the first paragraph. It is not possible to do so because of the C&C requirement that fully developed paragraphs be presented in each discussion. With only 5 sentences allowed per paragraph, it is not possible to discuss multiple topics in the paragraph without violating that rule and being scored down for it. A more accurate representation of the prompt follows:

In our age of cyber technology, it would seem like the positive benefits of internet usage is held back by the negative results of cyber control and security. That is why most people believe that the advantages are negated by the disadvantages of internet service. I complete agree with the aforementioned belief and will discuss my reasons for this below.

While the body of your paragraphs are strong, your concluding paragraph is weak and confusing. Try to cut the presentation into 3 clear sentences so that the reader can better understand what it is you are trying to say. The shorter your sentence, the better chance you have of expressing yourself clearly. It also allows you stay within the minimum requirements per paragraph.

Writing Feedback / The effect of paying for high grades at school. [3]

Bezhab, you can very well use the word "However" in your paragraph presentation because it is meant to break the flow of thought from the previous discussion to a new one in a connected manner. It is indeed an "interrupter" word. You were using it in the right manner so there is no problem with its use in your paragraph. Don't be confused as to when to use the word. There is no problem with your word usage in this instance.

You have written a very strong TOEFL essay here. The problem, is that you kept giving reasons in every paragraph. You neglected to present an example in support of your reasons. You may have used yourself as an example of the effect of paying for high grades, or somebody you know. Anybody could have been used as an example. The examiner isn't going to bother to check about the veracity of your examples presented. When you are asked to present specific reasons and examples in an essay, try your best to present one of each. By the way, your score for this essay? An easy 3. If you had presented examples, it could have been booted up to a 4.

Scholarship / Trained communication skills at Campus Concern Medan (CC-Medan) and Gerakan Mahasiswa Kristen (GMKI) [3]

Rutmana, do not confuse the networking essay with the leadership and influencing essay. Those are two different essays that you have to write. Do not refer to being an influencer in this essay as you did in your last paragraph. That is totally out of place and not within the allowable discussion parameters. Your last statement should instead discuss how your existing networks will help the Chevening scholarship promote their objectives and also, how your network can help the future scholars as you come into your mentor role as a Chevening alumna.

Now, with regards to the earlier part of the presentation. I can see how you would think that this academic and sociocivic activity would qualify as a network. Don't get me wrong, it does qualify as one. However, it should be given less of a focus in the essay because the actual target of the scholarship is to find individuals who professional or work related networks are in place to help the scholar advance his career after he completes his studies. Maybe even have a currently existing network that can help the current crop of scholars in terms of finding mentors or applicable training avenues for themselves.

Whatever the focus, you have to understand that your current example of networking skills is something that will limit you to only a particular circle of network and service. It is not the type of far reaching network that the scholarship desires to see from its candidates. Therefore, this networking essay may not be helpful to your application. That is, unless you can present a more profession focused network in your revised essay.

Writing Feedback / The unpaid community service is not necessary to be a compulsory program in high school [2]

Sandra, your score for this essay will a 1. It is a failing score because you did not discuss the correct prompt requirement. Your Task Accuracy shows that you did not even come close to understanding what the topic is and what the discussion method required of you was. As you know, once you fail to accurately represent the TA, your test will get the lowest possible score, regardless of the other scoring considerations. In this instance, you created your own prompt requirement and discussed a topic that is not located within the original prompt.

You chose to discuss the following topic: Some believe that this activity can help students to learn empathy while others think that it is totally wasting time

While the real prompt topic was : Some people believe that unpaid community service should be compulsory part of high school programmes

Do you see where you deviated from the prompt? That is the main reason why it will be useless to continue reviewing the rest of your work on this essay. You did not follow the instructions you were provided with originally, so there is no sense in rating something that is incorrect.

Scholarship / Huge opportunity to connect with aspiring young leaders from different parts of the world [5]

Rahma, your references with regards to your networking skills and opportunities are too vague. You need to have more solid presentations. That means, you tell the reviewer what the position of your classmate was at the office of the sub-contractor and if it was this relationship that led to the big discount that your company received. Was he the one who authorized the discount? Or was he able to network you with someone in the company with whom you negotiated the discount? Be specific. Show the reviewer how the network worked in this instance in order to give a clear picture of the benefits you received from it and how.

Next, when you mention that someone told you about the Chevening scholarship, that person better be a Chevening alumna whose name you can mention in this essay as a reference / part of your network. This will show a pre-existing Chevening network for you, which can be beneficial to you in the future and will help to illustrate how you can also offer your network for the benefit of Chevening and its future scholars. This is of vital importance because this responds to the question as to how you plan to use these skills in the future, knowing that you will need to be mentor to future scholars.

Writing Feedback / The developments of West Park Secondary School, from 1950 when it was erected, to 2010. [2]

Na, your summary overview doesn't really appear to be complete. It only has a basic description of the image provided, then a trending statement that follows the previous presentation. You need to indicate the instructions for the essay as well. For example, were you being asked to compare the images in the discussion? Or perhaps you were to present individual descriptions only? Whatever the instruction was, it should have been indicated because that is part of the scoring consideration requirement. Also, the information you provide is incomplete because you said the maps were for the school during the year 1950 to 2010. That is not the case. There are 3 years being compared in the map. 1950, 1080, and 2010. All 3 years should have been signified as part of the presentation process because you did mention the 1980 construction of the area in the body of the essay. If it isn't in the overview, it shouldn't be in the body paragraphs.

So, you have 3 maps which should be presented in yearly descriptions within single paragraphs each. For every paragraph, a comparison discussion should have been presented. You tried to do that unsuccessfully in your essay because you did not use comparison terms in the paragraph to show progression, which would have helped your C&C score. Consider this; you first presented the 1950 description of the area. At the end of that description, a transition signal should have been presented. The transition signal could have been, "By 1980, the original 1950's structures had been modified."

It is your direct to the point descriptions of the area, which shows a lack of GRA skills, which further lowers your score. If you had just tried to write a complete paragraph of at least 3 sentences each, you would have been able to write a more impressive body for scoring consideration. In fact, your stand alone line at the end of the essay should have just been integrated into the earlier paragraph so that your scoring would have had a chance to improve.

Undergraduate / The developed countries should share their wealth with the poor nations [3]

Lubis, you are taking the IELTS test but you wrote this essay as a GRE response essay instead. The one thing that you cannot use in the IELTS essay is researched information. You cannot use researched data because you don't have the time to research. In fact, you won't even have access to research information of any sort. Learn to write these essays based upon your pre-existing knowledge, without the need to make reference to other sources. That is the proper way to write this essay.

Additionally, you need to learn how to write a properly paraphrased opening statement. You do not immediately launch into a discussion of facts. You must first, represent the original prompt discussion in your own understanding and words. So, if I were to write the proper opening statement for this essay, I would have said:

There are two types of nations in the world, rich and poor. These countries have a great divide when it comes to their wealth. There are some who say that the richer counterpart should support the poorer one through subsidies on food and education. Others, believe that the more affluent side should simply teach their less fortunate counterparts to care for themselves. In this essay...

The reason that I did not complete the discussion sentence of my version is simple, you did not indicate the discussion instruction as part of the original prompt. Which means that you did not post the complete information I need to assess the essay. Next time, post the complete original prompt. Otherwise, you will also end up getting partial advice from the contributors here.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK II - TRADITIONAL AND MODERN MUSIC; each type has different purposes and style [2]

Lubis, what you wrote is not an IELTS task 2 essay. You wrote a research paper complete with references and paraphrased citations. That is not the essay that the task is asking for. Remember, the actual testing center will not give you internet access. Most of the information you present in this essay comes from intricately researched references. Which, while it makes the information strong, does not help you pass the test. The information for these essays must be comprised of personal knowledge, experience, or opinions. That is why this essay will not get a passing score. Aside from being a research paper, you did not even properly paraphrase the original prompt. Your lack of understanding of the prompt requirement led to one mistake and another in your paper. Which created a seriously non-prompt responsive essay. I can't even score this because I want to give you a chance to show improvement. Try to correct the mistakes you made in this essay in your next essay. That is the one I will offer a more intricate review of. For this essay, it would be best if I point out your mistakes and just advise you to avoid the same mistakes next time.

Scholarship / Being experienced at different leadership positions throughout whole life [3]

Abayomi, I don't think you understand what kind of leadership is required of a Chevening applicant. There is nothing amateur about the requirements. The ideal Chevening scholar is someone who has effected some sort of minor or significant change in his organization or profession based upon his leadership and influencing style. The scholarship program only accepts applicants who have a proven track record based upon their professional performance. As a masters degree student, you must have some sort of advanced exposure to leadership and influencing situations that did not exist when you were in college. Basically, this essay should prove that you are mature enough to handle the demands of one of the most important UK scholarships around. That is why anybody whose leadership and influencing ability is limited to college experience does not stand a good chance of getting the scholarship. Since your experience is solely academic based, it will not be able to stand out in a side by side comparison with others of far greater leadership experience and influencing skills based upon their professional performance. The Chevening reviewer is looking for the next secretary of state, the next president of a country, even the next important international CEO to become part of their roster of admirable leadership based alumni. Your essay doesn't deliver that because of the amateur experience that you are relating. It needs more teeth. It needs to be profession instead of academic based. You may still have time to revise the content of the essay. I strongly suggest that you do so in order to give yourself a chance at consideration at the very least.

Scholarship / I determine to apply for the Chevening 2018-19 scholarship - answer to leadership question [3]

Esraa, the essay is pretty impressive. You have a very good outline that merges your leadership and inspirational / influencing skills in a highly smooth manner. It goes down easy and does not pander to the reviewer. You simply state it in a creatively connected form that works. The effectiveness of that writing style gets lost towards the end though when you speak of how the local newspaper chose you to be a role model. Since it is based on social media alone, there is a lack of direct contact with these girls that creates a stronger influencing presence when done face to face, in a physical manner. Try to remove the social media reference and instead, replace it with a real time and physical based situation instead. It is also not helpful to your essay to direct the girls to admire someone other than you. That defeats the purpose of you becoming an influential and inspiring figure in these young women's lives. Rather, show the reviewer how you manage to inspire them towards simple greatness through your presence in their lives.

Writing Feedback / Many people think that every individual is responsible for their own healthy lifestyle. [5]

Astha, you cannot score higher than a 4 with this type of essay presentation. The main reason for such a low score is because your response is only partially correct. You did present your opinion in the essay but you neglected to discuss both sides of the issue before presenting your own opinion. That is why your response was only minimal in presentation.

The examiner will look for the discussion of both sides and then your opinion. What you wrote was solely a personal opinion paper. In addition to that, you also failed to accurately rephrase the discussion instruction in your opening statement. you only presented the fact that you had an opinion on the matter, then offered a partial line of reason for it. That is a no-no in this essay task.

The reasons cannot be presented even in a partial manner in the opening statement. All information is saved for the body of paragraphs for discussion. These avoidable errors are what led to your final low score of 4. Here is how the essay should have been formatted in the opening statement:

There is a growing belief that individuals should be in charge of their health through the life that they lead. This is a belief that runs counter to the idea that the government should take charge of their citizen's health. In this essay, I will present a discussion of both beliefs prior to the presentation of my personal opinion.

Had you framed your presentation in the above manner, you would have had a better discussion outline to follow in the body of the essay.

Undergraduate / Transfer essay about discovering the pharmaceutical field as a career path - Common App Prompt [3]

Wynante, the essay doesn't require you to make a list of all your unfulfilled career plans. You just need to present the information based upon your current college major in relation to the shift in your educational interests. As the prompt says, you just need to address your reasons for transferring. So the details of previous college major considerations doesn't really need to be in this presentation. Rather, the focus should be on why your current major is unable to satiate your desire for a proper education in this particular field. That is done in comparison with the reasons why you want to change your career path. This is a discussion that is easy to summarize provided you know exactly how to transition your discussion from Point A to Point B in a manner that can easily merge the two explanations into a logical explanation for a major career change while still in college. I would totally remove paragraph 1 and just develop a more complete discussion of the remaining paragraphs because those are the relevant reasons in relation to the discussion.

Scholarship / I formed a team to determine the reasons for problems of scientific research in Egypt [3]

Marwa, are you writing this essay for the Chevening Scholarship? If you are, then you should not use this essay. Remember, Chevening is looking for leaders in their field who can influence positive changes and inspire his people towards success. This essay is about "leadership and influencing failure", which is not what the scholarship committee is looking for. It is one thing to keep trying to start organizations, it is another thing to keep it running successfully by continuously influencing the growth of its membership base. This is not an essay that will help your application. This is an essay that will kill your application. The essay makes it very obvious that you are not an effective leader nor an inspirational figure for your compatriots. Maybe you are in your mind, but not in reality. You are mistaking being an effective organizer for a leader. True, it sounds like a leadership role but it isn't. You should change the total essay to one that shows off your ability to lead and inspire in a professional manner. One that shows off a successful project instead of a series of failed attempts. A true leader is successful in his undertakings. A failed leader, is what you portray in this essay. Which of the two leaders do you think will most likely get the scholarship? Exactly my point.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Discuss the causes and some effects of widespread drug [6]

You have a total word count of 271 run on sentences in an essay that should be composed of at least 250 individual sentences located in 5 paragraphs. The composition of the essay is the main problem. You do not know how to form coherent topical sentences. You prefer to present interconnected thoughts which create incoherent statements. As such, there is a lack of total cohesiveness in the overall presentation. In addition to that, your prompt paraphrase is partially plagiarized and incomplete in its presentation of discussion topics and instructions. This essay feels like you just wrote it to "get it over with" there is no sense of you actually trying to apply any language and writing lessons you might have learned from your preparation classes. Look at how you formed the sentences, you did not even care to capitalize the first work of every new sentence, which is the most basic English grammar rule. I am not sure if you were just careless or you have no idea how to properly develop and write an essay. I strongly suggest that you look for better written examples online and at this forum so that you may have some examples and guidance in relation to your writing your next practice essay.

Writing Feedback / I disagree that university should accept same number of men and women in each subjects. [3]

Lu, since this is an "extent" essay, you cannot simply say that you disagree. There has a to be a measurement of the disagreement such as "I strongly disagree, I partially disagree, I disagree to a certain extent, I disagree with reservations, etc." That way, the measurement of your discussion will also be indicated. By the way, while you make some pretty good points in your second paragraph, you created a prompt deviation when you discussed the LGBT community. You are not allowed to introduce a new topic for discussion in the essay. Most specially a topic that you chose to introduce which is not directly related to the original prompt discussion. Your opinion does not matter in this instance so the representation of the LGBT community is unwarranted in the essay. It was not part of the original discussion. Do you know what you did by deviating from the original discussion topic and introducing your own topic for discussion in a separate paragraph? You just made sure that the examiner will give your whole essay a failing score due to your inability to follow instructions. I am sad to say that but it is true. The essay will fail because of your severe prompt deviation. Learn to stay within the expected parameters of discussion. Do not go past the borders, you will fail the test. That is guaranteed.

Writing Feedback / The bar charts compares the percentage of Australian men and women who do regular exercise [4]

Lu, you have an even bigger problem than just your grammar. Your essay is only one word over the minimum requirement. That tells me that you did a number of things wrong in this essay. What are those things? Let's break it down.

1. Your opening paraphrase is incomplete. You neglected to present the age groups used in the bar charts, the type of measurement being used, and the discussion instruction for the original prompt. This should have easily comprised 5 sentences, which means, your TA score will be failing based on individual considerations.

2. You presented information in a parenthesis. Since this is an analytical essay, you should not house information in an "optional" section because all of the information in this illustration is important and thus, needs to be presented directly to the reader.

3. All of your sentences do not number in the form of a paragraph. You write no more than 2 sentences each. As per the C&C considerations for scoring, you need to present complete paragraphs in order to get a high score. So write no less than 3 sentences, no more than 5 as per the regulations for that section.

4. You do not have a proper summary overview that includes a properly developed trending statement.

Basically, you should work on writing more sentences at the moment. The grammar and vocabulary usage will also be helped by your increased writing practice.

Scholarship / Chevening Leadership and Influence answer, anyone check my essay. [4]

Mohammad, the Chevening leadership and influencing essay is highly specific to your profession. That is because you are supposed to show that you are an emerging leader and influencer in your country. That cannot be established by these information that you presented. The first part is related only to academics and and competitions that do not directly relate to your profession. You must indicate leadership experience in relation to project management or team management. That way, your influencing ability is also immediately connected and sometimes, evident without having to go into details about it. As I read your essay, I decided that it was a very good essay, if you are applying for a college sponsorship because of the leadership elements you indicated. There is nothing in the essay that tells me you will be an effective leader in your country based upon your activities. I am specially concerned about the protest that you led because Chevening is not political by nature. It is more of a unifying force than a protesting one. That is why I must insist that you remove that reference in your revised version. Remember, change the essay to cover your profession related leadership and influencing skills. This current essay doesn't really provide a strong image of your possible leadership as a head of an organization or the country itself. Telling the reviewer you are a protester by nature may not be helpful to your application either.

Scholarship / Chevening essay - My journey to becoming a leader [4]

Christi, the essay is extremely strong in the leadership sense of the discussion. I would change the first paragraph that discusses how you started as a junior doctor. That is not important to the presentation and should be removed. It weakens the opening presentation.

You can open with the current second paragraph instead. By removing the non-important elements, you will free up word count for something that you neglected to present in the essay, a discussion about your influencing skills. It would be nice if you could present one or two examples of your influencing skills in order to better balance the presentation. Even the mentoring role that you presented in the essay was more in line with the leadership than influencing discussion.

You may want to rethink the content of your essay so you can figure out a way to balance the presentation with regards to the two requirements. One paragraph representing each should work to strengthen the essay. A 4 paragraph essay presentation will be more than acceptable. That will be over 100 words but still less than the 500 maximum word requirement.

Scholarship / Leadership is not a title or a position ! ( Chevening Essay) [3]

Haya, I had a sense of disbelief as I was reading your essay because it does not really offer me any information as to your professional background that will make me believe that the narration of events in your essay actually happened. In order to give this essay a semblance of reality, you need to identify the company you are connected with, the department you work in, and the position or title that you held in relation to the scenarios that you presented. By the way, you don't really come across as a leader in the essay. You sound like a very responsible rank and file employee though. Which is good.

However, it is not what the scholarship is looking for. Unless you can improve the essay to show off more complex leadership skills in relation to influencing actions on your part, the essay will not improve. Being a good communicator is a good start, but where does the influencing come in? There is nothing in the essay that proves you have the ability to strongly lead and influence a team.

It does highlight your ability to delegate tasks though. Which should not be confused with leadership nor influencing. By the way, remove the first line that says you do not believe that leadership is vested in a position or title. As a professional, your leadership position is defined by exactly that. Which is why I am starting to think that you are not in a position of true responsibility in your company.

Chevening is very specific about their search for leaders and influencers in various countries. They are all defined by their leadership position and accompanying responsibilities. To belittle that is to say that Chevening is not a good scholarship program because they are not looking for the right kind of leaders. Don't accidentally insult the scholarship foundation. Remove that reference. I am sure you did not mean to say that but it just came out that way.

There is time to improve your essay. Look at the essays presented here in relation to the Chevening scholarship and learn from those presentations. Improve based upon the content of their essays and the advice given to them. Take what advice you can for the improvement of your own paper.

If I am thinking of these possibilities, you can bet that the official assessment officer will see right through your essay as well and dismiss it faster than the time it took me to finish reading and analyzing your essay.

Scholarship / "Leadership comes from within". Everyone is a leader in their own way. Chevening Essay [10]

Bella, let me tell you right now, the reviewer does not care about your parents divorce. Take that portion out of the essay. This is an application for a severely competitive and difficult scholarship program. I strongly suggest that you keep the tone academic and professional at all times. Do not try to tug at the heartstrings of the reviewer because that will not work. The minute he reads about your parents divorce, he will throw out this application. You are not applying for admission to college, which is where the reference to your parent's divorce belongs. Instead, focus only on the professional aspect of your leadership skills. That would be the corporate marketing communications aspect of your career. Indicate what your official title or position is and discuss your leadership and influencing skills within that context. You will need to adjust your opening and closing statement in order to make the essay more prompt responsive though. It is something that has to be done if you wish to have a competitive essay to present with your application. Remember, no academic representations, just professional. That is all the reviewer will be interested in reading about.

Graduate / Letter of Motivation for MAIA Erasmus Mundus Scholarship - what fascinates me? [2]

Anam, the first rule of writing an Erasmus Mundus Letter of Motivation is that you avoid flowery language and overly long introductions. Be direct to the point in presenting your motivation. You are only supposed to write a cover letter that explains why you chose to apply for this scholarship over the other similarly available scholarship programs. There has to be a reason why this program is right for you. Explain why in the letter along with the reasons why you feel that your qualities make you a perfect participant as well.

What is it about your academic background (in summary form) that makes your foundation perfect for the program you chose to enroll in. That will include your strong points as a student and professional and any other training you may have undertaken in relation to your profession. More importantly, talk about what sets you apart from the other applicants. Achievements on the academic and professional front will be good to mention at this portion. Keep it direct to the point. Don't waste the time of the reviewer by writing creatively. This is not the time nor place for it.

The current letter that you have does not have an interesting and informative narrative for the reviewer to consider. He will most likely stop reading your essay after the second paragraph due to its complexity but little applicability to the main purpose of the letter. It would be best for you to revise your letter. Fit all the information I indicated earlier into a letter of no more than 5 paragraphs long. That should fix the presentation and information problem of your letter.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1: incidents and injuries per 100 million passenger miles travelled (PMT) by transport [2]

FBG, I cannot continue assessing your essay at this point because your text did not meet the minimum 150 word requirement. You wrote only 130 words, which means this essay will get an automatic failing grade in an actual test setting. The reason that you did not meet the word requirement is because you have an inadequate overview presentation in your first paragraph. you do not identify the type of image provided, the types of transportation being analyzed, and how you are supposed to perform your analysis. All of your paragraphs are under the minimum 3 sentence requirement, which caused the essay to be shorter than it should actually be. It would have helped if you did not just keep presenting the information from the image without performing even a basic analysis of it. Had you tried to expand the analysis of the images by comparing the figures and finding similarities, the essay would have better fallen under the requisite guidelines. Hopefully, you will know how to better expand your analytical essay with your next practice test. I'll give you a pass with this essay and assume that you have no idea as to how to write one yet. I hope my observations and suggestions can help you to write a better practice essay next time.

Writing Feedback / [Task 1] The two maps show an island, before and after the construction of some tourist facilities [9]

Gang, excellent work! Also, the observations will vary per writer so there are no wrong or right presentations. Like I said, this is all about analysis and observations. Two people will analyze and observe in two different ways. No harm, no foul. Everything is good. The person who will read the analysis will take the word of the writer at face value because there is nothing else to base their understanding of the presentation on. Remember, they won't have access to the image so even though we vary in observation, the information will still be similar and useful to the reader. One point for lexical correction though, don't say "destitute" of vegetation because destitute means "poor". The correct term is "devoid" meaning "missing or lacking in". I am not sure that referring to 250 meters in length is a good thing because I could not find any reference to that in the original diagrams. Don't get too creative with your presentation. You have liberties to a certain degree only. Observations may be presented, but assumptions not based on provided information are not. Now, here is the thing. Based upon your presentation, your TA can score a perfect 9. It is fully addresses the task with complete presentations and you presented fully extended ideas that helped the reader to better understand the analytical presentation. The rest of the criteria, falls under an 8 due to the problems that I discussed earlier. You show remarkable developments in your writing skills every time. I hope that you can continue this trend. I will now present you with a challenge which I hope you will accept. Take a new Task 1 topic. One that you have not written about yet. Write an analytical essay on that topic at a level 9 band essay presentation. I think you can do it. I will allow you to pick the essay topic.

Graduate / Essay for MS in Commerce at UVA - describe the unique aspects of your background and motivations [3]

Mingru, present the essay in the manner indicated by the prompt. That means you will have to bring up the academic discussion of your background. That now becomes the opening statement. The stand alone sentences that you current have at the start need to be deleted. It doesn't really fit into the discussion being presented. Anything that makes the essay too long without a purpose must be deleted.

The problem with your undergraduate academic presentation is that you only present it in one sentence. That should be at least one fully developed paragraph long because the essay prompt is asking you to justify your previous academic training in a manner that will support your success in the field of your choice with the help of the masters degree. You have established a strong training background all around but the relevance of your academic training to your success in this field needs to be presented as well. Right now, that is not well portrayed in your essay. All other prompt instructions were successfully integrated into your response. Good work on that.

Scholarship / [CHEVENING] - potentials get higher, and skills grow accordingly to improve the society around me [2]

Dalia, open the essay with your current job. your first few paragraphs are not really relevant to the essay. The Chevening reviewer does not have the time to look for your actual response to the essay owing to the thousands of applications he needs to read in a day. He appreciates essays that get to the point from the first sentence. Your leadership explanation is pretty strong. It gets the message across regarding your leadership abilities. However, we need a clearer picture of how you influence people to assist you in effecting necessary changes. The fact that you work with an NGO is a benefit to your application because these organizations often have the strongest leaders and the most effective influencing styles. You only need to increase the latter explanation in this essay in order to make it as effective as it can be in support of your application. Try to choose an event from a recent activity that required a more definite influencing skill so the job could get done.

Graduate / Essay for MSF in Carey Business School - Business with humanity. Need your advices [3]

Wei, since this is a forward thinking essay, you don't need to speak of your internship prior to working at MSCI. The reason you don't need to do that is because, upon close comparison, it is your experience at MSCI that more reflects the motto of "Business with humanity in mind". That is because of the existence of the Fukishima disaster in your presentation. That makes it very clear that you are a practitioner of this motto already and therefore, you know how to integrate that mindset into your workplace on a daily basis. What you should be focused on is the presentation of your 5 year career plan with the mission and objective of the Carey Business School in mind. It would be nice if you had a more solid career plan that indicates the development of say, your own company with "Business with humanity in mind" as the driving force behind its success. How do you plan to integrate that ideal into you future career? It isn't really very clear in this current essay version.

Scholarship / Leadership offers wide spectrum to develop, implement and persuade people towards a positive change [7]

Rahma, it is important that you summarize this 2014 experience in the presentation to the most salient points only. That way, you can show more than just leadership and influencing abilities in the essay. You can also show that you can manage to lead in the fact of adversity and obstacles thrown your way by society. By ending that presentation with the 2014 experience, then implying its continuation in 2015, you are missing out on the opportunity to show off how you developed your leadership and influencing abilities up to the present date. You can actually do better with this essay if you open with 2014 and close with either a leadership and influencing presentation from either 2016 or 2017. That way, the progression of your skills will also become evident and prove that you are capable of being a true cutting edge leader in your country upon your return. While this essay is stronger and within the prompt expectations, it can be even stronger. I want you to present the strongest essay possible. That is why I am asking you to make content and presentation adjustments.

Undergraduate / I learned to stand up for myself and for others. A meaningful story essay [3]

Jay, for starters, when you open the essay, it is pretty strong, but does not make any sense because we never found out the purpose of the bullying. What was it that you were accused of having told your brother? You need to mention only one traumatic experience in order to deliver the main topic of the essay. There is no need to go into great detail about it. By lessening the details of your bullying, you will be able to focus the essay more on the fact that you are a survivor. Expand the discussion you presented about Advents. How did you come to know about the group? Was this a school support group? How did you first react when you met the members of Advents? How did they help you get over the traumatic experience? Would you say that you are a true survivor? How do you participate in Advents at the moment? Would you say that the group helped you develop as a person? If so, how? Have they helped you to get to know yourself better? What would your message be to your old self at this point? These are questions that can help you to better develop your presentation and close the essay on a stronger note or self importance.

Graduate / SOP for Masters in Data Science program in Northeastern University [2]

Revanth, rather than opening with a reference to the movie, why don't you open with a statement that tells the reviewer something about the development of your interest in the field of Data Science instead? After all, the reason you saw that movie was because you liked the plot. So your foundation in data science came from somewhere. Where do you think it stems from? Talk about that foundation instead at the start of the essay. I want you to focus about 60% of the essay on the foundation of your interest because that is what the personal statement is all about. The telling of how you came to be interested in this topic and what preparations you have done in the course of your studies to prepare for the MS. You need to better explain your college GPA because right now, there isn't much in terms of building the confidence of the reviewer in the idea that you have what it takes to complete and pass this course. Talk about how you changed during your college years because you almost got kicked out of the program and what steps you took to create a better version of yourself as a student. That is integral in convincing the reviewer that he might do well to take a chance on you.