Writing Feedback / Article Summary : Facts of Laughter by Sophie Scott [2]

The way you develop paragraphs is good, yet some changes need more improvement in particular paragraph development.


It is believed that someone laughs through humours or something weird that they see. Those activities trigger other people to laugh as their specific brain mechanisms are responsible for laugh. As seen, we laugh because we feel like like it and because our brain makes us.

It is always good to write your paragraph at least with three sentences. This makes the paragraph stronger as it is well developed.

Hope this helps.

Writing Feedback / Too many cars create problems and the State, also even society should work to solve this [3]

Intro:
let me rewrite the first sentence: Purchased car numbers have risen significantly in the poor countries.
You need more improvement on this sentence: the best way to tackle such problems. You'd better say your statement exactly upfront instead of putting such a phrase " the best way to tackle such problems". Let me help you: carpool and vehicle tax are one of viable solutions to mitigate this predicament

conclusion:
many cars in developing country create disadvantagesdeteriorate condition such as environmental pollution.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2.Q.INCREASE AIR TICKET PRICE TO REDUCE AIR TRAFFIC [4]

The salad days of third millennium has seen
Although there are few arguments in favour
, I am of the opinion that there are much better ways to tackle this problem.

The phrases above are too common, since thousand students out there have stuck such sentences on their essays. I am sure that this way won't impress the examiners at all.

A closer look at how I develop my intro with a strong thesis statement.
Air travel heavily contributes environmental pollution. It is argued that airplane tickets should be charged more, so as to call a halt to the number of people traveling more frequently. Yet, this is not quite justified. The idea that rail and sea transport carry more people and goods between land and sea systems for long travel can be taken into account.

Writing Feedback / PROBLEM RELATED TO SMOKING AND A WAY TO OVERCOME - IELTS TASK 2 [3]

Slight improvements:

- In recent decades
- lifestyles have forced
- parents spend more time working
- Such a phenomenon addresses negative impacts on
- simply recipes
- it seems that children eating fast food are bound to have fragile health condition
- they are going through a growing period
- For example, eating diets with more saturated fat, such as carbs, avocado and all terrains is risk-taking behavior, and therefore this leads to obesity

Writing Feedback / The Production Process of Hydro-Electric Energy [2]

It is important to note that [...] energies are converted into electrical energy.
Overall, some steps are taken in order to generate hydro-electric energy. It starts from natural process to the mechanical one.

Firstly, water in the sea are heated by the sun ...
The process begins when seawater evaporates in order to form cloud as the effect of sun heat

Avoid using too many cohesive devices, such as first, next, and so on is bound to lead to IELTS candidates using them incorrectly. A closer look at IELTS band descriptor task 1, Band 5 shows inadequate, inaccurate or over use of cohesive devices'.

Writing Feedback / National Consumer Expenses Proportion in Ireland, Italy, Spain, Sweden and Turkey in 2002 [2]

The figure forA comparison of national consumer expenses in five selected countries, categorized by budgeting priority, is presented in the given table. Data was collected in Ireland, Italy, Spain, Sweden and Turkey in 2002. Overall, it can be seen that citizens in all countries spent money the most in primary budgets, followed by secondary and tertiary budgets, respectively.Italy and Turkey spent by far more money on all needs

Primary budgets; food, drinks or tobacco had the highest proportion, with Turkey and Ireland was at the first and the second rank, accounted for 32.14% and 28.91%,

Turkey recorded by far the highest proportion in Food, Drinks and Tobacco, while Ireland was close behind. Some other countries hovered between 15 and 18%. When it comes to Leisure/ Education sector, the former one had almost doubled than the proportion of the Ireland with 21.2%.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1: total population of old people in three different countries [5]

The (1) given line graph reveals the information of population elderly people who have aged 65 and more than that, over 100 years, from 1940 to 2014, located in USA, Sweden and Japan.(2) It can obviously be seen that the total of retire-aged man in three countries witnesses upward trend in which Japan will have the highest number of them in 2040.

(1) the word "given" here is unnecessary because it is more than is needed. You need to keep your sentence succinct and to the point I suggest omitting it.

(2) Writing a 2-sentence overview is a must. This overview will cover what is being discussed in the body paragraphs.
Let me give you a try:
Overall, the proportion of elderly people from three countries is predicted to increase steadily. In any case, although population in Japan came last, eventually this proportion will have successfully overtaken the figures for USA and Sweden.

Body 1: details in the comparison of 1940 and 2040
Body 2: details in the yearly data.

Writing Feedback / The party that should take responsibility for children's healthy lifestyle is parents and schools [2]

This essay partially answers the question, since you only discuss one side of the argument without any concession statement. Have a look at the IELTS writing band descriptor shows that full responses are needed to earn a score with flying colors. Here is an example;

Body paragraph 2
Agree: It is parents and school that have a responsibility for this issue
Explanation: Both are of more time interacting with children. Sadly, they are too busy.

Body paragraph 3
Disagree: other parties, such health authorities and media also play important roles
Explanation: educating children by broadcasting TV program on how to live better. Yet, need more funds and efforts to do so

Hope this helps :D

Writing Feedback / Learning foreign language is an important foundation for the future - preparing for the entrace exam [4]

It is always good to develop your paragraph with these steps;
1. Topic sentence
2. Explanation
3. Example
4. Concession

A closer look at my sample

(1) The idea that children should be taught a second language at school is the most valued by some people. (2) This is because teaching a foreign language early helps them provide vocabulary framework. (3) In my local city, two- and 3-year-olds sent to language schools are taught daily vocabularies dealing with home activities, such as cooking and bathroom occupations, and this has meant that they have more words to understand rather than those who do not come to English class. Bilingual kids are able to think a little more flexibly because they can switch between one language and the other one. (4) Yet, this is not always true. Some children take more time to grasp the language taught and therefore this makes them easily get stressed.

Hope this helps :D

Writing Feedback / Now it is more common to have similar lifestyle among people from different countries in the world [6]


the thesis you presented seems too vague. You need to raise your outline why you say that this issue has more advantages, by outlining your points of view exactly upfront in the introduction. By doing so, your readers easily understand what the discussion will be in the body paragraphs.


Although you discuss both views, your argument is weak. It is always good to show one view with more detailed explanation. If yo think that you need to discuss the opposite side, then writing a concession statement in each paragraph sounds brilliant.

Writing Feedback / IELTS- TASK 2-More and more people are migrating to cities in search of a better life [3]

More people tend to move to cities in order to build a fulfilling life. This results in a city life getting worse. The main problem of this cause is disposal of sewage and housing shortage and the most viable solution is a public awareness campaign warning people about the living condition. As you can see, I am very upfront about what government should do.

Writing Feedback / Task 1 - Perceived and Actual Crime in 2009 and 2010 [3]

This bar chart examines the proportion of people's perceptions of being a victim of crime in comparison with the actual risks involved over tho periods, 2009/10 and 2010/11

Overall, by far the highest figure relate to car crime. The figures for perception of the threat of crime have shown a marked fall in all categories over the period in the question

It seems that you struggle for the overview. As seen, the way you present it looks complicated

Writing Feedback / A breakdown of international trade of transports that use combination of both fuel and electricity [3]

A breakdown of international trade (...) largest selling over the timeframe.
Overall, the number of vehicles sold experienced noticeable rises. The figure for US recorded by far the most significant growth over period in the question.

Well done, you have successfully covered the intro, but this needs a slight improvement on the overview.

Writing Feedback / It would be better for their health if every child had a high awareness for keeping fit. [2]

These days and ages, most [...] awareness to protect his life.

Today's issue is child health. Since children tend to live in poor health condition, some people argue that both school and parents should take this issue into account, but nevertheless this is not always true. It is agreed that other parties such as government, health authorities and media also have responsibility to endure children live health.

Keep your opening paragraph succinct and to the point so as that you have serious concerns for bodies. Hope this helps :D

Writing Feedback / The number of inhabitants increased rapidly in the period of 1900-2000 in different world regions [2]

The most significant fact to emerge [...] percentage out of the other areas.

Overall, the rise in the number of people living in the planet occurs in many areas. In any case, the proportion of Asian population breaks a record as by far the most significant growth, although this percentage shows a downward trend in the following years.

Although you could write well, with a slight flaw, this report need a slight improvement, in particular the overview. We simply write a 2-sentence overview aligning with the body paragraphs. This is what students with a score of 7 and above do in their report.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Should be the government control the water consumption of residents? [3]

As water is a valuable resource, [...] or disagree with this statement?
Over-population causes water shortages. As such, it is argued that government should be in charge of how water is consumed. It is agreed that improving water management is a powerful tool that can be used to control water supply and enhance hygiene.

In order to paraphrase, we simply restate the question with a different meaning using appropriate synonyms.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: ATTRACTIVE BUILDINGS OR PUBLIC SERVICES [3]

The architecture as a vital element of country improvement [...] more benefits than build any spectacular scaffoldings.
It is argued that more money should be allocated to build high-rise buildings. However, some claim that public services such hospitals and schools are more important. It is agreed that fundamental facilities serving a country s beneficial to all ordinary people.

What you need is to simply paraphrase the prompt and state your claim exactly upfront. By doing so, you help examiners easily notice your stance.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1: the condition of Stokeford village in 1930 and in 2010 [3]

This report is well-done. Yet, a slight improvement on the overview is needed. Developing a 2-sentence overview aligning with the body paragraphs is a must. This is what students with a score of 7 and above do in the report. A closer look at my sample below.

Overall, it can obviously be seen that ...
Overall, noticeable changes are seen in the some rural areas over the period in question. In any case, more buildings are constructed, while some listed landmarks remained virtually unchanged.

I suggest downloading band descriptor task 1 to compare and contrast what is in the TA for a band 5, 6 and 7.

Writing Feedback / Female Unemployment Rates In Each Country Of The United Kingdom in 2013 and 2014 [2]


This is good. Yet, I prefer using "showed" rather than "was". Here is The figure showed some fluctuations in unemployment rates.


However, the number of unemployed females


It is always good to write no figure/ number/ percentage in the overview. Save it for the body.


If it has no detailed information, then writing this phase is useless. Therefore, I omit it.

to begin to 2013, the proportion of female unemployment in England stood at 6,8 % (a comma) and it was highest that compared WITH the other country. On the other hand, THE FIGURE FOR Scotland had the proportion of women WHO HAD NO WORKjobless at 6,7% in 2014. And alsoTHEREFORE,THIS became the highest of jobless womaE n jobless in this period. ButHOWEVER , it was still lower than England's FIGURE .

Writing Feedback / A breakdown of the percentage of people going to the cinema in UK according to different age groups [3]


This is good. Yet, I prefer writing such a sentence, like: more people aged 44-45 went to UK cinema

- Despite of thesome fluctuationswith the visitor numbers rising and failing twice during this time period , almost all figures showed nearly same patterns.
- at A fairly similar proportion
- the other figures had showed a less marked difference.discrepancy in proportions
- The youngest group was by far the fewest, accountedACCOUNTING for
- Then, all of them rose significantly until the end of period. B ( a comma) but the figure of FOR people aged 24-34 showed a sign of stagnatingstagnated at roughly 32%.

Writing Feedback / A comparison of residents rate in three different areas of Oregon from 1940 to 2000 - the line chart [4]

... shown in THE line chart.
... population rateGROWTH had a similar trend for all countries.REGIONS
... a gap of approximately twice as much ( a comma) and THEREFORE it had widened to over 160,000 in 2000 due to A significant increase in the number of peopletotal population in Washington.

... while population in Washington was in number REACHED 75,000.
... THIS experienced A slightly increase in the number of TOTAL population in three areas.
... By 2000, a significant growth in Washington's population HAD reached a peak at over 240,000, while the others had A fairly similar RATE OF population

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 : SCHOOLS AND PARENTS AS THE DETERMINERS OF CHILDREN HEALTHY LIFE [3]

Your essay is well-done. I just wonder how you can have many excellent ideas. Yet, it did not fully answer the question in this essay. Prior to discussing the body paragraphs, I'll show you how to write a very powerful intro and conclusion forming a line with the prompt.

Intro:
Today's generation is forced by unknown trends to do every action ...
It is believed that more children tend to live under a sedentary lifestyle. As such, some people argue that school and parents should take this issue into considerations. While this notion is thoroughly acceptable to some extent, I would claim that health authority and media have responsibility to endure children live health.

Conclusion:
To conclude, schools and parents are significant stakeholders to ...
The aforementioned evidence shows that more attention should be paid on children living in poor health condition. It is parents and school that should take this issue into account, while some say that other parties such health authorities and media also play an immense role. Where possible, as children's learning models, the parties should maintain their health; since their attitudes about health can inspire children and show these young people how to take charge of their own healthy life journey .

Writing Feedback / A comparison in the level of the readers at the Burnaby library from 2011 to 2014 based on gender [3]


The chart illustrates the comparison of the total books read by males and females at Burnaby Public Library from 2011 to 2014. What stands out from the graph reveals that 2011 to 2014 showed a significant increase in the number of books read in the library. The total of printed publications read by men was by far more significant growth than that of woman readers.


Initially, men read about 3000 books, but then the number of books read rose slightly to nearly at 4000 books in 2012, an increase of approximately 1000 books read over 12 months. In the same time, the woman's bracket showed a noticeably upward trend in the number of books read from 5000 to 8000 between 2011 and 2012.

Please consider some changes. Hope this helps :D

Writing Feedback / The lines for Pavilion show a significant growth. Tourists in Brighton during the years of 1980-2010 [3]


This paragraph needs a slight improvement, since some sentences lack clarity. Let me give a try;
A comparison of different attractions that people visit from 1980 to 2010 is presented in the line graph. What stands out from the graph reveals that more people visited Pavilion. While the number of people visiting Pavilion and Pier increased markedly, the other figures showed the reverse.


Your task is to include detailed discussion when it comes to the body paragraph. Please consider some changes here
The figure for Pavilion's visitors rose noticeably from 23% in 1980 to virtually 50% in 1995, a rise of over a quarter in 15 years. After a short peak, the bracket of tourists visiting such an attraction was downwards, but its proportion showed by far the most popular tourist attraction compared to all figures. This is in stark contrast to the category of people going Festival. Initially, its proportion stood at 30%, but then continued to decrease steadily by approximately 25% in 1995. Although there was a slight rise, a gap between Festival and Pavilion had narrowed down by 2010.

Writing Feedback / Task 1 - Outokumpu Stock Price in euros between 2006 and 2010 [3]


The line chart presents some alterations to Outokumpu's share price between 2006 and 2010, a period of 4 years. Overall, there were some fluctuations over the period in question. In any case, 2010 trend showed a sign of recovery to the initial figure.

A very good overview is to explain the main differences/ trends and written with 2 sentences.


Initially, the amount of Outokumpu's share price stood at more than 10€. This trend continued to rise significantly by approximately 32 €. After a short a peak, the share price declined markedly to virtually 20€, but then saw a gradual rebound to the same trend as the 2016 year-end figure.

A closer look at the sample how to develop a well-structured paragraph.

Writing Feedback / TASK 1 - The Share Price of Outokumpu Companies from January 2006 to December 2010 [4]


The flow of the ideas is well-done. Yet, you did not write this report in the proper way. Some sentences are lack of clarity since fancy words are being used. Remember, clarity is the king. Let me give a try for the intro;

A breakdown of some alterations to the share price of Outokumpu between 2006 and 2010 is presented in the line graph. Overall, some fluctuations in share price occurred over the period in question. Eventually, the trend saw a gradual rebound to the initial figure.

As seen, a 2-sentence overview has successfully covered the main trends/ differences. A brief overview helps you pass the exam with flying colors.

Writing Feedback / Don't judge something from the cover - the most important indication (writing task II) [4]

Don't judge something from the cover, (...) picking out some clothes to wear.
Read this sample intro:
Clothing is the first, but not the last impression. While it is true to some extent, since most people are being valued by the way they dress, others argue that judging by appearance only tends to create a misleading impression. Therefore, it is agreed that people's characters are reflected in how we behave, not how we dress.



They are not linkers or cohesive devices. They are such phrases which a thousand students use in their IELTS essays. This does not impress the examiners at all. I suggest omitting them.

- Let takes FOR EXAMPLE, Bob Sugino as a sample
- he never wears formal clothes in their meeting NEVER DOES HE WEAR WORKING WARDROBES WHEN IT COMES TO OFFICIAL MEETINGS.
albeit an important conference in ...
HE BELIEVES THAT PEOPLE ARE ALLOWED TO WEAR WHAT THEY WANT AS LONG AS THEY DO NOT GET IN TROUBLE FOR IT

In conclusion, it is evident ...
Read this sample conclusion:
In conclusion, people are more likely to wear clothes that can express something about themselves. However, I think people should not judge a person by its appearances, since the true value of a person relies on personality. Where possible, since clothes are often seen as an indicator of a person's persona, it would be nicer to carefully consider selecting wardrobes .

Writing Feedback / Suggestion for adolescents to take a job for a gap year between school and third-level education [3]

Every person needs a job to be well-roundedJob experience shapes people's characters . Whilst A SUCH, some people render a suggestion for SUGGEST adolescents to SHOULD take a job for (...) education since this WAY makes HELPS them togain easy access to be accepted EASILY GET in reputable prestigious (...) since this may interupt INTERRUPT their social lives.

Apparently, joining with company after people aged 13-18 in their IN a gap year between school and university gives them YOUNGSTERS greatly AN IMMENSE benefit related to (...) high-standard INTERNATIONAL university.

The university is very selective in student recruitment ( A COMMA) and it THEY prefers students having WITH working experience since they THESE STUDENTS are more likely ...

... people are bound to have an immense A BETTER OPPORTUNITY chance to be accepted GET in top-ranked university.

However, working in that period comes to (...) This resulted in poor social relationships.
THIS PARAGRAPH IS GOOD. YET, THIS IS LITTLE OFF-TOPIC. I THINK YOU NEED TO COME UP WITH THE IDEAS:
- Taking off time studying
- Difficult to adapt in academic life
- Others stuck in temporary situations
- Results in low degree individuals

The aforementioned evidence shows that (...) they should manage a balance life.
THIS CONCLUSION FAILED TO REWORD THE THESIS. I SUGGEST REWRITING THIS SO AS TO ALIGN WITH YOUR THESIS.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Some people argue that the sole purpose of business is to make a profit - the more the better [4]

The prompt and the essay do not form a line. Let me help you write for the intro and conclusion.


Intro:
It is believed that electronic media such as email and text messaging have brought dire consequences on personal interaction. While this is utterly acceptable to some extent, I would argue that social site networking helps people connect with others without boundaries in time.

Conclusion:
In conclusion, electronic media have subtly shaped global communication. While it argued that such devices result in a sense of alienation among people who rely on too much, this advantages outweigh the drawbacks. The regular use of electronic communication tends to hold risks for social life.

Writing Feedback / Why college or university? To acquire a new knowledge and prepare for a future career - IELTS [3]


University is a prestigious place where people study higher. As such, it is argued that there are many reasons why people go to such a place. Some people prefer attending university for the sake of knowledge. In my opinion, university helps people prepare for future career.


Well, one sentence is not enough to cover what should be in the concluding paragraph. At least, you need three sentences. A closer look at my sample below:

In conclusion, people have different reasons why they are keen to attend university. While some people argue that university is the best place to gain in-depth knowledge, it is claimed that university prepares students for future of global development. It is imperative that dire consequences as university students should be taken into considerations

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2 exam - best way to learn: "learning by doing" or through books and from teachers? [2]


You need at least three sentences in a paragraph. If you write less than the sentences required, then the paragraphs you have constructed will lack coherence. A closer look at my sample below:

Different people have different approaches when it comes to study activities. Some people believe that learning by doing brings more advantages, while others argue that books and teachers are the best source helping us to study. Therefore, I would claim that the latter source is more responsible for more than just academic enrichment .

Writing Feedback / Pocket money helps children for managing their future financial skills [2]


More attention should be paid to teach children become an responsible adult. One of the best ways is to educate them to allocate money effectively. While some people argue that this is utterly acceptable, since daily allowance is smaller. Yet, I would claim that children should be taught what money is used for, instead of giving them money .

Check out my sample intro.

Writing Feedback / Some of the methods used in advertising are unethical and unacceptable in today's society. [4]


You write good. Yet, you need to improve the way you write the introduction, especially the thesis. As seen, I introduce my thesis statement using the pronoun "I". Using such a pronoun helps readers understand your stance on the issue. Let me give you a try:

Advertising affects buying decisions. As such, it is common to see that some techniques used can be irrational. While this approach totally infuriates consumers, I would argue that advertising allows individuals to learn about the wide variety of products.

Writing Feedback / The figure give information about smoking habits of the UK population by age. (Writing Task 1 IELTS) [10]


Many sample answers do not follow the rule of IELTS essays both task 1 and 2, albeit such samples are claimed to hold IELTS band score with flying colors. Writing an introduction with less than three sentences will have your point deducted. I am confident enough to say so, since such an introductory statement lacks coherence. Let me help you write for the intro;

A breakdown of the population falling into smoking habits according to their ages in the UK is presented in the chart. Overall, more people in the UK never smoke while the brackets of people aged 65-74 have stopped smoking. In any case, 35-54-year-old cohorts are recorded as the heavy smokers, but the converse will appear to be true for 25-34 year-old people .

As you can see, I construct my introduction and overview into a paragraph covered in three sentences. I strongly suggest for EF members to follow this approach as one of the best ways to earn a good score in task 1.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1 : The Number of Books Read by Different Genders At Burnay Public LIbrary [3]

You need to include the pict. It take some time to grasp your notion with no pict attached.

Well, when it comes to an IELTS task 1 introductory paragraph, I strongly suggest for both EF members and my IELTS students in English Studio, Kampung Inggris Pare, Indonesia to construct their sentences in passive forms. I tell you this since you are tested in how good you deal with such sentences in IELTS task 1. This will be a plus if it is added a 2-sentence overview. A closer look at the sample below regarding the picture attached;

A breakdown of the figures for males and females reading books at Burnaby Public Library over the period in question, from 2011 to 2014 is presented in the line graph. Overall, it can be seen obviously that a gap between the figures had narrowed down. Initially, more males read books, while the converse would appear to be true for females' figure after overtaking the former one .

hope this helps :D
- eddy suaib

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Writing Feedback / TASK 1. The diagram gives a breakdown how heat released and energy wasted from the air [2]

The diagram gives a breakdown how heat released ...
The diagram shows the ins and outs of air circulation and how home loses heat.

Overall, it is clear that there six places in which air can be discharged ...
Overall, what stands out from picture is the heat is lost from a room via exfiltration and infiltration attached. In any case, some heat is transmitted through the area of room

Bathroom fan vent and kitchen fan vent apparently have the same model, but THEY ARE SPOTTED IN different locationS. While plumbing stack vent has tiny hole TO releasing E the air to the sky, in contrary with THE attic hatch which has IS OF a big space.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: A process about the system of air coming in and out of a house [2]

This is good. However, I have made some changes on the intro and overview.
A process about the system of air coming in ...
A breakdown of the ins and outs of how air leaks works is presented in the diagram. As seen, this disperses mild temperature due to the circulation. In any case, some ventilators allow fresh air to come into spaces, while hot air in the rooms is pulled towards the exhaust fans.

Writing Feedback / People do not wear tradditional dresses these days and are more open to try various types of clothes [2]

It is always good to have a meaningful title in the subject field when you open a new thread. Your title should describe the topic of your essay.

Writing Feedback / A simple device for changing sea water to a drinking water - purifying process. IELTS [2]

A diagram presents process purifying sea water to ...
The ongoing process of how a water purification system works in order to be drinking water is presented in the diagram. Overall, it can be obviously seen that simple steps are used to have purified water. In any case, basic equipment is needed to accomplish the process.

The device, which floats on the surface of sea water, consists of ...
A closer look at the diagram shows that how the rubber tub and plastic container are prepared as part of the device. On the sea water, the device results in flotation as its density is lighter than that of sea water. As seen, sea water converted to drinking water is collected extracted from a hole on the bottom of the device.

NEEDLESS TO SAY, The successful process ,interestingly, only happenS in the morning until afternoon since this equipment using ABSORBS the heat from the sun to operate well. The process begins when the bottom of container is partly filled by sea water. Afterwards, sunlight passes through the dome as well as heating sea water. After that, directly, it evaporates and condenses the wate which AS EVAPORATION AND CONDENSATION are inside the dome. As a result, (A COMMA) water flows down into rim of the container and passes the rubber tube into drinking water collector. Suprisingly, the FREE-SALT water, which is free-salt, is ready to drink.

To sum up, the diagram shows how the basic equipment can be used to produce clean water in a just few stages.
One sentence is not enough to cover your thought. Try not to do this in the real exam. Otherwise, your essay will lack coherence

Writing Feedback / Media brings solutions for communication problems - IELTS task 2 [2]

Intro:
In the sophisticated world today, we have attained a situation where technologies are incredibly advancing.
Electronic media have subtly shaped the way people communicate. It is argued that these electronic devices introduce dire consequences on personal interaction among people. While such a notion is utterly true to some extent, I would argue that these social networking sites help people keep in touch instantly and regularly.

Conclusion
In conclusion, indeed sophisticated communication devices are needed yet also affect on people personal relationships.
The aforementioned evidence shows that electronic media have changed the way people interact. While it is believed that people relying too much on such devices tend to fell a sense of alienation among peers, it is claimed that these electronic devices bring great impacts on online communication