Writing Feedback / The Tabard Towers Theme Park - IELTS Writing Task 1 Sample [6]

Afifah, first of all, your essay has to be at least 3-5 paragraphs in length. For these Task 1 essays, a normal presentation is usually 4 paragraphs in length. That includes the summary conclusion of the essay. This is done by properly dividing the discussion topics of your paragraphs. The first paragraph is always the summary overview of the illustration you were provided. Just include the salient points for discussion but do not give any actual information away.

The next 2-3 paragraphs should offer the comparison points, analysis of the information provided, and any other observations that you might have about the image. Remember, this is an academic / professional report so you have to make sure that you are not skipping or accidentally misrepresenting any information in your summary. Always write a minimum of 3 sentences per paragraph in order to be considered as having fully developed the information.

Your first paragraph is short by one, but you did a good job of presenting the information just the same. You just needed to present it individual sentences instead of compressed into two lines. If you can write 5 sentences, all the better. You could have created a third paragraph if you had opted to divide the information presentation into quarter months of visitors instead of going monthly. That way you would have had enough information material to accurately discuss a more comprehensive and comparable data presentation on your part.

Undergraduate / Personal Statement; Tell us more about you and why you are considering VCU/ International Transfer [6]

Barbara, a personal statement is used to introduce yourself to the reviewer. Since you are introducing yourself to a complete stranger in the hopes of being admitted to the university, it is important that you present yourself in a positive light. Discuss your positive attributes as a student and as a person. Do not open the essay with the fact that you got an F for a grade. Do you think that would impress the reviewer? Nope. It would make him say, "If your grades are bad, why should I consider you?" Then he will move on to the next student, without finishing reading your essay. You will effectively have ended your application consideration with the first few lines of your personal statement. Be more upbeat and explain why you want to apply for this course of study. Make yourself sound good, be it with your grades or your personality. Remember, you want this person to like you, not question why you are applying if you are a bad student. Remove that paragraph and present more interesting information such as the development of your interest in this line of study and why you chose this university over the others. Be proud of who you are by saying you are the first in your family to apply for college overseas. Anything that will make the reviewer like what you have to say about yourself on paper may help make your application stand out.

Writing Feedback / Graduates should travel and work for a period of time instead of going directly to university [6]

Minh, your essay is replete with grammar errors stemming from sentence structures all the way to misspelled words. You do know that you are being scored for grammar range and vocabulary in this essay right? this lack of proof reading on your part would result in a failed score for your essay in an actual test because you have shown a lack of ability to spot your English grammar mistakes and correct them on the spot. You do not even bother to capitalize the first word of a new sentence, which is a standard English writing rule that nobody ever forgets to do. The mistakes in your spelling and grammar have made the essay very difficult to read and causes undue stress on the reader who has to mentally correct your essay in order to make sense of what you are trying to say. This is not a very good effort on your part and I sincerely doubt that you would get a passing score with this essay.

Writing Feedback / IELT T2- Punishments are neccessary to help children learn the right and wrong from early age [6]

lama, your essay is good but it does not properly follow the discussion outline as represented in the original prompt requirement. The outline of the discussion was already handed to you in the original instruction so all you had to do was represent the same in your paragraphs. It's too bad you were not able to do that. It would have improved your score immensely if you had done so. By the way, do not start your sentences with "And". That word is not used academically to start a sentence because it connotes the continuation of a discussion. If it comes after a period, then there is no discussion to continue or connect. Also, when you use "however", make sure that you use it at the start of a paragraph because it indicates a disagreement with a previous statement. Finally, you should have discussed the alternative punishments as a separate paragraph because that was indicated in the original instruction to be a separate paragraph discussion, not included with the other discussion topics for this essay.

Writing Feedback / Traditional games or new, electronic games are better for children? [4]

Cu, please provide the complete prompt requirements for your next essay exercise so that you can be properly assessed using the IELTS band considerations. At this point, there is no way for me to tell if you are responding properly to the prompt requirements or if you deviated from the discussion format at some points. While I will commend you for a well discussed essay, I will frown upon you for not properly providing a concluding statement in your essay. Granted that you made a mistake by posting the concluding sentence of a different exercise, that still does not erase the fact that you did not create a proper summarized concluding statement and instead, tried to pass of your opinion paragraph as the closing statement. You always need to present a proper concluding statement that accurately sums up the discussion topic and points, as well as your personal opinion at the end. That is because the ability to paraphrase the opening statement and then your own discussion is considered very seriously in the final scoring and should always show off your English comprehension skills at its best.

Letters / You would like to participate in a work-related seminar in another country. The letter in this case. [5]

Hessen, there are inconsistencies in your letter. First of all, you need to indicate the length of the seminar and if there will be multiple conferences going on simultaneously. You also need to mention the name of the specific seminar that you want to attend because you gave the start date of the seminar but not the name of the seminar you are interested in. From the way that you wrote the letter, it seems that you have an interest in a specific seminar which takes place on a specific date and time that is not indicated in the advertisement. Make that clear in your letter. You should also ask if you qualify for the conference / seminar based upon your work experience. That is, if you believe that there might be a situation that will prevent you from being an attendee at the said event. The letter that you wrote is inconsistent in terms of inquiry and information presentation. It seems that you did not really review the information you were given to include in this letter writing exercise. Had you done so, you would have come up with a better written inquiry letter than this.

Writing Feedback / Can we use animals for our personal benefit or this is unacceptable? [4]

Rahul, the highest score this essay will get is a 4. One of the main reasons for the mark down is because you presented your complete opinion within the paraphrased statement instead of as a stand alone paragraph within the essay itself. The paraphrasing should have ended by saying; "Considering these discussion aspects, I will be presenting my opinion on the topic within the forthcoming discussion." You never discuss factual information in the opening statement because that is only meant to serve as a way of judging whether you properly understood the instructions you were given or not. Your grammar development is very poor. Even for simple sentences you are unable to properly present a coherent idea that would properly discuss the topic. You need to practice developing proper simple English sentences in order to better present logical statements that will make sense to the reader. Your conclusion also needs to better summarize the information previously presented in the discussion. I hope that you will show some improvement with your next practice tests. Remember, improve your reasoning presentation and never present actual information in the opening statement.

Essays / Outline briefly your teaching context [3]

Dany, before we can help you, you first have to write your essay. Use the guide questions in order to create a draft of your responses to the questions. These need not be the final responses, just something that we can read and help you develop into a final response. We have no idea regarding your background and how you might be able to achieve the requirements of the scholarship program so it is wrong of you to ask us how you should be writing the essay. Only you know what information you can give in relation to the questions. All we can do here is assist you in further developing your response or correcting your response in some places in order to make it more relevant to the requirements. Just write the essay and we will assist you from there. Remember, if you don't start to write the essay, you will never get around to knowing how to properly develop your response. Get to it. I am eager to read what your potential responses might be.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Some famous athletes and entertainers earn millions of dollars every year. [4]

Eric, in my opinion, you cannot score higher than a 3 with this essay because of inconsistencies in your writing. Your opening statement did not properly paraphrase the topic requirements in the original instructions so it would seem like you are discussing a totally different topic from the original. Then, rather than focusing on the general discussion regarding the salaries of the entertainers and celebrities, you focused on concerts, merchandise, and other similar topics. You also mentioned athletes specifically and how they train in order to earn their money. However,these people are all still in the same business, entertainment. Does that make them better skilled than a construction worker who risks his life to create office buildings? Or is their job more important than the bus driver who takes people to and from their destinations safely? In order to have better discussed this essay, you should have considered the more popular opinion regarding the salaries of these high earners. Since you are presenting your opinion in the essay, then you should first present the opinion that you will be contradicting in order to give credence to your claims.

Scholarship / Constant Progress on Maturing and Returning the Favor - Essay for Scholarship Application [4]

Hatif, as I read your essay what I learned about was a series of half baked successes that had no relation to showing your actual potential as a scholar. There is no significant achievement in your essay that would allow a scholarship reviewer to be amazed by your skills as a student, a civic leader, or a person. Rather, you are presenting all of your character traits that help you make you a success. While I applaud the hard work of your mother, and her inspiration for making you strive to achieve in life, defining success instead of actually proving that you have the ability to succeed in doing one simple thing is not the focal point of this essay. What you should instead do is focus on the competition that you joined, that is, if you were successful in that competition. Aside from the personal conflict brought about by your father's death, discuss other factors that could have prevented you from winning the competition that you were able to overcome. Once you have convincingly portrayed the obstacles you had to overcome, how you overcame these problems, and then achieved success in the competition, then the essay will have provided the correct information for the reviewer. This is all about showing the scholarship committee how you manage to create success out of adversity. This is not about defining success in various aspects of your life.

Writing Feedback / "Spending all your free time studying is not a good idea" What's your opinion? Write an essay. [6]

Sara, with a total of 190 words, you should have been able to write at least 3 interconnected and completely developed paragraphs instead of these individualized sentences. Practice developing a complete thought process using paragraphs. That way you also develop your complex sentence abilities. You must also practice paraphrasing when writing your opening paragraph. This will help to introduce the reader to the topic that you have to write about. Always assume that your reader has no idea what the topic you are writing about is so you need to introduce it in your own understanding. This will help you develop your English comprehension skills. While your ideas and opinions are acceptable, it lacks justification. For example, in paragraph 2, you should have given an example of how relaxing the mind becomes advantageous to a student who is facing a battery of tests at school. Give supporting facts relating to the popularly known benefits of relaxing during free time. That gives your essay a more authoritative tone and shows that you understand the required discussion for the given topic.

Writing Feedback / Children are increasingly spending less time to their parents. [4]

Nguyen, there is a disconnection between your paragraph title and the actual discussion that you present. In your title, you indicate that technology is causing children to spend less time with their parents. However, in your discussion, you do not present any evidence of technology that prevents children from seeking their parents company. If this were an actual test, you would have been given a failing grade by your teacher because you did not manage to properly discuss the topic title in your paragraph. A representation of how technology consumes the time of the children and how their gadget related activities removes them from the real world in terms of interacting with their parents should have been presented in the paragraph. Thus justifying and properly discussing the title that you chose for the paper. This is not a well written paper because you did not understand what the topic title wanted you to discuss. You just wrote what you think the topic was about. There is a clear lack of English comprehension skills in this paragraph exercise.

Writing Feedback / GAP YEAR could be a huge asset if used for proper activities - IELTS [5]

Kenzin, you need to make sure that you present an equal amount of reasons within your paragraphs. That means, if you present 2 reasons for the advantage, then present 2 reasons for the disadvantage as well. Do not place the 2 ideas in the same paragraph as each paragraph should only discuss one reason in a complete form. 2 ideas means you have to present 2 individual paragraphs for the ideas. Since you have a maximum of 5 paragraphs, composed of 5 sentences each, you should only present one advantage and one disadvantage idea because the first paragraph will be the introduction and the last paragraph will be the summarized conclusion. In order to meet the minimum sentence requirements, please make sure that you present at least 3 sentences in every paragraph. You have only 2 sentences in the introduction only 1 in the conclusion, which will result in a mark down of your paper.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2 : Give opinions on teaching a foreign language in primary school years. [5]

Ngoc, please provide the full original instruction for your essay prompt the next time that you post an essay so that I can better review your response for instruction adherence and discussion relevance. Your current work will be reviewed without those elements considered. The opening statement that you present falls short of the required 3 sentence minimum for a proper paragraph. As such, it does not accurately represent the prompt requirements in terms of discussion topic and discussion style. Since these are some of the most important elements of the test, it can actually help you to pass of fail the test, don't expect to get any helpful scoring marks in this section of the essay scoring consideration.

Your essay tries to discuss too many elements per paragraph. Within a 30 minute time frame, you will not be able to do this in the actual setting. Focus on developing only one line of reasoning per paragraph that you can completely discuss within 5 sentences. Do not try to discuss more than one per paragraph because the examiner needs to see evidence that your understanding of the prompt requirement will be properly reflected in the reasons that you are giving. That cannot be done when you present 2 or 3 evidences per paragraph with only one explanatory sentence to support it.

Your concluding remarks do not properly summarize the given topic for discussion, summarized data, and a repetition of your personal opinion as the closing sentence of the discussion. A properly developed concluding sentence should easily reflect the information provided by the opening statement in a more complete and informative manner covering the maximum 5 sentences.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1 - What those kids are doing [4]

Rodolfo, your opening statement is an incomplete summary as it lacks information regarding the activities that will be compared based upon the chart information. While you are not allowed to provide the actual data in the summary overview, you are however, expected to discuss the classifications that will be discussed as part of the discussion outline. Bear in mind that the opening statement sets the tone for the discussion and as such, must indicate the topics that will be discussed in the succeeding paragraphs. Incomplete information, such as what you presented also prevents you from meeting the 3 sentence minimum requirement per paragraph. Always double check your summary information to ensure that you are properly representing all the discussion points for the next paragraphs. You should have given a complete paragraph of 5 sentences to the presentation of the activities that the teenagers enjoy in order to further break down the information you will be discussing. There were several activities indicated in the chart and you seem to have only concentrated on a few of them. Therefore, this cannot be considered an accurate nor academic summary of the chart provided. You also consistently fall short of the required number of sentences per paragraph. Based on these errors, I believe that you cannot get a score higher than a 4.

Scholarship / Good Manufacturing Practice - ENDEAVOUR SCHOLARSHIP [3]

@JacksonLe you have managed to present some pretty convincing information in this essay. However, you spent so much time introducing the course of study and the problems of your company that you were no longer able to properly introduce and represent the proposed dates and locations of your internship or fieldwork. That is an important part of your application process as it is specifically mentioned in the instructions. Therefore, you need to revise the content of your essay in order to free up the word count that will allow you to discuss your internship / apprenticeship schedule after or during your academic training. Try to combine the explanation of your proposed course with the reasons that you have for enrolling in the degree. Explain the problems that your company faces by integrating it into the opening statement. That way you can save on the word count. The scholarship committee needs to see your commitment to the complete masters degree training process by having you indicate the pharma companies in Australia that have impressed you and whose QA standards will definitely help you go back to your home country with usable knowledge and training that you can transfer to or share with your co-employees.

Writing Feedback / Some people are in favour to live in a house, others see more advantages living in a flat [5]

Hessen, you have taken the wrong approach to writing this essay. Why is it the wrong approach? First of all, you are never supposed to include the reasons that you will be explaining in the opening statement. The opening statement is always just a summary of the assigned topic for discussion and the instructions given. That is the standard, academic, and examiner expected approach to this sort of essay writing. The last sentence of the paragraph should always indicate that the detailed discussion regarding the reasons will follow in the proceeding paragraphs. You should also indicate that your opinion is required in the essay if it is indicated in the original instructions. You should never say "This essay will discuss...". Rather say "In this essay, I will discuss my opinion that..."

The second problem is that this essay indicates researched information from rent.. All English exam essays rely on personal knowledge, publicly known information, or personal experience. You must never get used to indicating researched information because you only have 30 minutes to write this essay. That time allotment will not allow you to do proper research of information. Also, the testing center computers do not have access to the open web, thus rendering any possibility of research impossible on your part. So use only personal factors in such instances.

Finally, your conclusion must only summarize the topic, the discussion information you gave, and the final reiteration or repetition of your point of view. That is 3 sentences with no new information indicated. You cannot add information in a properly developed conclusion because you have a 5 sentence limit per paragraph. That is why you are never advised to add new information at the end of the essay. There isn't enough sentence space to properly develop and defend new ideas at the end.

Writing Feedback / Persuasive Essay about different issues caused by computers [3]

Kristi, there are several problems with the essay that you are presenting. The most glaring problem is that this is not a persuasive essay but rather a one sided discussion that discusses your point of view alone. A persuasive essay is best presented by bringing to fore a balanced discussion that presents the good and bad effects of regular computer use. A persuasive essay is only persuasive if it presents a logical thesis statement at the start which signifies that you will be using this essay to present information that will convince the reader that your side if the correct side. Consider it a written debate. Both sides has to be discussed, with a specific concentration on refuting the other side, in order to create a winning and persuasive essay.

Along with that problem is the problem regarding the sources of the information that you present to support your discussion. As a written essay, you cannot just present facts and figures with giving proper in-text citations that inform the reader of the original source of the information. Due to the wrong source formatting in your essay, it appears that the information you are presenting is plagiarized. Without proper source referencing, your information is misrepresented as your primary information rather than being researched information coming from other sources. Improper citation formatting can result in a failed research paper or persuasive essay.

Based upon the two biggest problems of your essay, it would be in your best interest to revise the content of your persuasive paper. It would be even better if you just write a totally new essay, in the proper form instead. That will result in a better written and more persuasive essay.

Undergraduate / 30 year old returning to college, what broad perspective do I bring to the engineering classroom [4]

@RSG335 Open the essay with the second paragraph instead. That way you create an interesting hook for the reviewer. The "cusp of generation gap" reference really drew me in and I felt sorry that you put that at the end. I feel that you can better focus the essay if you discuss the generation gap first and then create a second sentence that will contain information about what you learned from your world travels. Don't refer to any negatives that you might have. That is the last thing you want the reviewer to learn about you. Instead, explain in summary form, what you learned professionally or personally from these travels and indicate a desire to share these learned experiences with your classmates for everyone's betterment both in and outside of the classroom. Presenting that focused information in 2 paragraphs should help you deliver a very clear and interesting presentation of what you, as the older classmate, can help bring to the Engineering classroom.

Undergraduate / Phage Genomics Course Entrance Essay; discovery-based science interest - course participating [2]

Cassie, while this is a very interesting essay, it does not actually represent the required information to prove your interest in Phage Genomics. While you speak of a very important point in time when your were compelled, rather than enticed, to develop your work, cooperatively, in this related field, it does not provide a solid foundation with regards to your interest in the course. Rather than speaking of how you took a course, joined a competition, and then gained an interest from there, you should be presenting an out of class interest in the field of study. Before you took this class in Molecular Genetics, what kind of independent research, study, or related involvement did you have in the field? You need to show an independent line of thinking that proves you can learn on your own and develop relevant study results that others can also learn from. Truth be told, there is nothing in this essay that will make it competitive enough when made to stand side by side with more experienced and interesting application essays. Your essay falls short of presenting the following important information:

1. A willingness to carry a major responsibility for your own learning
2. An attitude of independence of thought and action

Research Papers / The Identity of Postpartum Depression and Treatments Available [2]

Pricilla, you need to separate the first paragraph into your thesis statement and then the start of your second paragraph. From my review of your written work, the thesis statement is the part that goes "The purpose of identifying ... well as infanticide." The next part of the statement is more of information gleaned from research so it should not be part of the thesis statement. You can however, use that section to open the second paragraph. By the way, you have a redundancy because you use the same sentence, "Postpartum depression is defined by symptomology. " twice. Try to create a more varied presentation for it. I know it all relates to symptomology but your professor would like to read a fresh take on the same topic. Whether you know it or not, using similar or the same presentation too close together in the essay creates reader fatigue and as such, creates an irritant for the reader, which could affect your grade. Your overall research is well done and creates an informative take on a little understood illness. Good job on the rest of the presentation. Just make sure to double check for your redundancies and topic presentations. In your final paragraph, you have room to create a more convincing closing statement if you divide that paragraph into to. Make the actual closing statement "Postpartum Depression is a vast mood disorder ...600,000 women did last year."

Writing Feedback / Is Violence the Result of TV, computers, and video games? [7]

Ha, even when you are given a limited word count, you are still expected to write your essay response in proper paragraph form. With 180 words, you could have written at least 2 paragraphs, properly formatted for your response. The paragraph format not only makes your essay easier to read and consider, but it also allows you to properly defend your reasons by presenting appropriate supporting information. Your essay failed to accomplish that because all you did was mention reasons with weak or undeveloped supporting sentences. Aside from that problem, you also did not properly restate the prompt and degree of your agreement with the statement based upon the given instructions. As such, your essay cannot be given a passing score. You did not properly utilize the topic discussion in order to prove your English skills based upon the given scoring criteria.

Undergraduate / "Why I have chosen invasive cardiovascular technology" [4]

Gina, the essay has improved a little. However, it is still scattered in the manner that it discusses the development of your interest and why you chose this program at this university. There is also a redundancy in the paragraphs as the information in paragraphs 1 and 2 are similar in content. You need to remove that repetition because the reviewer never appreciates repeated information. Each paragraph needs to center on a clear and new topic that relates to your interest in both the course and the university. Therefore, this second draft needs to be reworked once again. Please follow my instructions below in order to create what will hopefully be the final and usable version of your essay.

1. Open the essay by saying;"My curiosity to know how the heart works ..." but add the following sentence at the end, "My husband's illness is what led to my interest in the cutting edge cardiovascular technologies that saves thousands of lives every year."

2. The second paragraph should start with; "Living with a cardiovascular disease survivor, I realized that there were not enough of these professionals around to help others with the same illness. I decided that the best way to give thanks to the people who saved my husband's life was by helping ease the burden of patient care in this field. Then proceed to say; "After what had happen to my husband... thousands of lives each year.

At this point, you will need to write a new concluding statement for your essay. You neither have the training nor the complete knowledge with which to properly do this job yet but somehow, you imply that you already have the skills to succeed in this job. That is wrong. Instead, explain that your experience in caring for your husband has given you a sense of empathy for the cardiovascular patients and their families. Indicate a desire to help ease their worry and suffering because of the illness of their loved one. Then go on to explain that you chose this university because you believe that their curriculum will help you not only gain the necessary skills to become a cardiovascular technician, but also better develop an understanding as to how to help families manage the illness, just as you learned to do from your own cardiovascular technician. You only need 3 paragraphs to complete this essay. I have outlined the proper discussion and content per paragraph for you. Complete your essay in the manner I indicated and you should have a working essay by the end of your writing.

Writing Feedback / Art is considered an essential part of all culture throughout the world. However, these days fewer a [2]

Adiya, due to the lack of the prompt instructions regarding the actual topic and discussion style, it it's difficult to review your essay. Without that information, and having read your paraphrasing, as an examiner, I would fail your essay because the outline of the points for discussion, as well as a clear reference to the original topic claim cannot be found in your paraphrasing. In other words, the point of the essay was severely lost in translation. What is the issue for consideration and why is it important? How do you plan on discussing it? My interest wasn't held by your opening statement because of the improperly developed opening statement. Several under developed reasons per paragraph weakened the discussion. One or two strong points in individual paragraphs, to assist in your complex sentences development would have been better for your final score. Simply narrating reasons without actually discussing them doesn't help improve your grammar accuracy score because your sentences tend to remain simple and cannot really be used to assess your English lesson resource, comprehension, and written skills potential. Your conclusion doesn't follow the academic rule of 3 sentences minimum so this will also lower your score as it doesn't represent a properly developed paragraph. Overall, this is a good attempt that could have been better had you done certain things while developing your essay response.

Writing Feedback / [IETLS writing] In many countries, the proportion of older people is steadily increasing [4]

Wang, an IELTS Task 2 essay is limited to only 5 paragraphs composed of a maximum of 5 fully developed sentences. Believe it or not, when you write an essay using a timer and actually write under time pressure, you will find that there is absolutely no way you can come up with 6 paragraphs for an essay. That is because your outlining, drafting, revising, and finalizing of the essay needs to be completed within the 30 minute time allotment. So practice writing using a timer set to 30 minutes at a time. It is pivotal that you practice in an actual exam setting in order to be better prepared for the actual test day.

Based on the aforementioned instructions, you should be able to tell for yourself which among your paragraphs fail the task accuracy and grammar accuracy scoring portion of the test. The opening statement, most of all, requires additional work. You need to better represent the side that you will be discussing as a personal belief on your part instead of leaving the reader to wonder as to whose opinion is being represented. If this is not a personal opinion, then classify it as such as well. These are all part of the outlining of your discussion process that helps to prepare the reader for your upcoming line of reasoning.

Use only practical examples in your essay, do not exaggerate by saying things like "Noble Prize winners" or quoting researched information. Let me remind you that the testing center computers will be locked down and you will not have access to exterior internet sources. Practical examples that come from personal knowledge or experience always impresses the reviewer and also keeps you comfortable enough in your presentation to use better sentence structures throughout your essay.

Scholarship / ENDEAVOUR SCHOLARSHIP: Contribution to personal goals [2]

Kamila, in terms of the academic application of your studies, you need to adjust the information that you are presenting. By focusing the discussion on your current shortcoming or lack of knowledge in certain, specific aspects of your line of work, you will be able to create a sense of personal and professional importance for your studies. You lack a proper representation of the professional aspect of the masters degree as well. As a current practicing professional, you also have some specific job requirements that you are either lacking in skill or requiring additional training in this specific area. Discuss how you plan to help these studies to increase you potential of becoming a leader in the field or at the very least, at your office. Combined into one specific paragraph each, your essay should more than lay out an acceptable explanation in terms of the prompt requirements.

Scholarship / Endeavour Scholarship - writing about proposed program, host organisation, etc. [2]

Maria, you are being required to present a study plan for your time as a masters degree student in Australia. What you presented is a background of your academic and professional information. That is not what is required. What you have to present is information about your future studies. Present the name of the university you will be studying in, the masters degree you are going to be pursuing, and then discuss the reasons why you are interested in this course. What is your dissertation project all about? How does that connect to your current profession and how you hope to apply the new information that you will be acquiring in your place of work. More importantly, you need to present a training plan for yourself that involves either an apprenticeship or an internship at a (university endorsed) company where you can gain practical training after the theoretical knowledge you will gain at the university. The essay is not asking about your past, it is all about your future plans and forward thinking in terms of your career. How does this educational path apply to that? Answer these questions and your essay will fall in line with the expected prompt information.

Scholarship / Ship for the World Youth Program JAPAN- LEADERSHIP SKILLS AND CONTRIBUTION TO SOCIETY ESSAY [5]

Susana, your essay is good but too wide in coverage. You need to narrow the essay down to only one important leadership example and one community service example. With an 850 word maximum, the reviewer needs to see how you handle specific situations that prove your leadership skills. For example, as an administrative construction assistant, think of a time when you seem to have faced an insurmountable problem at the office. What was the problem? What was the approach that you took to resolve the issue? What was the result of your actions? Be specific and detailed regarding one memorable event. You need to have the reviewer remember your leadership skill set. You do not want to make your essay sound so generic that he won't remember anything because you mentioned one too many potential, but not really developed, leadership skill presentations. The same goes for your community service. Of the number that you presented, the one that stood out the most for me was your fire volunteer service because that relates to your local community. Develop that discussion by presenting the foundation for your interest, what activities you have participated in, how working with this civic group has helped you develop your leadership abilities, and what you are looking forward to as a community volunteer. After you complete that presentation, work on a collective summary that details the highlights of your leadership skills in 2 different settings then close the essay by indicating that you hope to develop these skills further as a World Youth Program participant.

Writing Feedback / Parents have a dilemma and are unsure if their children should compete or cooperate with others [3]

@celinechan This essay will not get a passing score because it failed to properly address the prompt requirements. Rather than discussing the supporting and non-supporting side of the topic, then presenting your personal opinion, you immediately took the opposing side and centered the essay on that sole topic. Review the prompt requirement. The discussion instructions are very clear:


It is imperative that you learn to understand the discussion instructions and that you have the ability to present the required reasons and opinions in the manner expected. Like I said, this essay deviated from the prompt instructions by presenting only one opinion throughout the essay. An even bigger problem is that you tried to fold in your personal discussion opinion in the concluding statement. This is a common mistake among English exam takers. Please try to always remember that the concluding statement is used to represent an accurate summary of your discussion presentation. Under no circumstances are you allowed to present any new information, such as a personal opinion, in the concluding statement. That is an academic writing violation. Since this essay did not follow the discussion instructions and you introduced new information in the conclusion, this essay will not even get a passing score in an actual setting.

Graduate / Graduate Statement of Purpose for Biomedical Engineering in University of Toronto [2]

Kajal, the first paragraph is not required in a statement of purpose. The focus of the statement of purpose should be on summarizing your college studies, highlighting any awards and accolades that you may have received, as well as a discussion of your related graduation thesis project. So instead of your third year project, you should be presenting your fourth year project in relation to your chosen masters degree. Once you have established your amateur acumen as a college student, you are required to present your current professional interests and explain how these relate to the masters degree you plan to undertake. If possible relate it to a professional situation you need to resolve by increasing your knowledge or showing an interest in further developing your college thesis for potential application in your current workforce, hence the necessary advanced studies. Justifying the need for this line of study in your profession will increase the possibility that you are not only well prepared professionally to undertake this course, but that you will also complete this course as your future career growth depends upon this additional theoretical and practical training. If you do not have professional experience yet, then your internships and apprenticeships can take the place of the professional background that you lack. Your final paragraph is fine. You don't need to adjust the content of that paragraph because it works as an explanation of why you chose the university. However, you need to represent the professional expectations that you have from the training your will be receiving as well. How you plan to use the knowledge helps to better create a purpose for your studies. Remember, expand upon your professional experience in relation to the masters degree. That is the whole point of this essay and you should make sure to highlight that in your work.

Letters / Cover letter for study permit in Canada at Cape Breton University [4]

Tran, first of all, you should not be applying for a student study permit unless you have already been admitted to a university in Canada. That is because the university will supply you with additional documentation for submission with your application. Also, the university acceptance will be additional proof that you will return to Vietnam after you graduate because the university will make sure that you get on the plane and go home. Now, as for the content, what you have written does not apply to a study permit application. The application should indicate that you have been accepted to the university, what semester you are expected to start / attend, what you hope to accomplish as a student (research, internships, etc. ), how you will be paying for your studies and how you plan to support yourself, without working in Canada since you are on a student visa. You will need to wait for your admission to the university and then write your study permit petition letter. You also need to explain why you chose to study in Canada, how this transfer will help make you a better Engineer, and most importantly, assure the visa officer that you will return to Vietnam after you graduate by presenting relevant and assuring information in your letter. Right now, you cannot use this version of the letter at all as it does not represent the proper discussion for your application.

Undergraduate / "Why I have chosen invasive cardiovascular technology" [4]

Gina, you just have to adjust the content of the essay too become more focused and relevant regarding your interest in cardiovascular technology. If you lose the first paragraph and instead open with the idea that your interest stemmed from your husband's illness, then you have an effective hook that opens your essay. As for the procedure, just give the name of the procedure. Don't explain the process because the reviewer is already familiar with it. You are wasting space by doing that. Instead, bring up and combine the paragraph about your thankfulness about the procedure saving your husband's life. That shows not only the foundation of your interest, but a clear sense of why you will be successful as a student and practitioner in this field. After all, the best kind of professional is the one with a personal interest in the craft. The last paragraph should be changed. You don't need to speak of your personal qualifications here, you should only focus on the reasons you chose the course. Focus on creating a strong concluding statement that could tie in your various interests with why you chose this university in particular. Close by showing a connection between your interest and the way that university will be able to assist you in growing that interest and parlaying it into a professional career after completing the course.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Some people think that the government should pay one of the parents [3]

Mayank, you are close to getting a 7. This particular essay can garner you an overall score of 6. You were held back by the improper grammar formation of your sentences. That scored you a 5. Complex sentences are not yet your area of expertise and the essay shows your potential to develop that side of your writing style. Learn to develop complete thoughts in your sentences. Right now, the sentences require further development because your presentations are not as completely informative as it can be. If you want to further increase the score for your essay, prove that you fully understand the requirements by using personal experiences to justify your line of reasoning instead of information that requires research or cannot easily be identified as something common to the target audience. Rather than presenting information gained from newspaper surveys, which become questionable because you do not properly cite the reference for the information, you should have used yourself as an example instead. You could have imagined how different your upbringing could have been if you had one parent staying at home to guide your development from childhood. Would it have been a good or bad thing for you? By discussing that as your second line of reason, you would have created the impression that you fully analyzed the information and understood how the proposal might positively or negatively affect the upbringing of the child, who is the main focus of this discussion, not the career ambition of the parents.

Writing Feedback / A lot of young people spend their time sitting in front of the television at home [3]

Kim, you have written a very impressive essay that is informative and shows off your English fluency skills to a certain degree. The main problem with your essay is not in your English comprehension skills nor your discussion, both of those are very well represented. The problem, is that you did not follow the academic requirement for an IELTS essay. What are these expected academic essay requirements?

1. The essay must be only of 5 paragraphs in length.
2. Each paragraph must be composed of a maximum of 5 sentences each.
3. A personal opinion should only be presented when required by the prompt instructions

How can you improve your writing process in this case? First of all, learn to write only 5 sentences per paragraph. That means, you need to present only one reason per paragraph. So use one sentence to present the topic sentence at the start, then 4 sentences for the supporting evidence. One topic sentence per paragraph allows for proper paragraph thought development and allows you the time to perfect your complex sentence presentations. Keep in mind the original instructions of the essay. The instructions you presented here only asked you to discuss both opinions. It does not mention any opportunity to discuss a personal opinion. Stick to the instructions by presenting only what is required. Therefore, this essay in particular should not be any more than 4 paragraphs covering:

1. Paraphrasing of the prompt
2. First reason and discussion
3. Second reason and discussion
4. Concluding summary

In instances when a personal opinion is required, it is always best to keep the 4th paragraph for your personal opinion and then you can present a 5th paragraph for the concluding summary. Academic writing rules dictate that a personal opinion cannot be included in the summary conclusion because the personal opinion offers additional information that needs to be discussed. A conclusion can never present new information because there is no opportunity for reasoning development in the concluding paragraph.

Essays / Practice of writing introduction to topics [2]

Bui, do not take shortcuts with your opening statement. The one constant problem with all of your opening statements is that you are writing the opening paragraph with only 2 sentences when the academic requirement is for you to write 3-5 properly developed sentences that present the prompt requirement and the discussion outline in the most accurate manner. Your first two sentences for all your tests are a good start. However, you need to expand upon these in order to create a proper representation of your English grammar sentence development skills and English comprehension skills. It is alright for you to develop simple sentences for your practice tests. As long as you are presenting at least 3 sentences per paragraph you will do just fine. The complex sentences are developed over time. It doesn't happen overnight. Again, these provide a good start but it is insufficient in terms of the expected academic representations. By the way, we don't really review individualized opening statements. You have to present us with a complete essay or do not submit anything for review at all. We limit our advice to one official advice per thread so what you did, posting all of these individual opening statements are a waste of time since a contributor cannot properly advice you regarding your writing weak points based on incomplete written work. What I gave you is just an overview of your potential writing problems, which I am sure will come to light once you start posting completed essays here. It is upon the review of your complete essays that you can truly begin to improve as a writer.

Writing Feedback / Sport amenities as an optimal method of making the public healthier? [3]

Duc, regardless of what test you are writing a practice essay for, the main component that must be seen by the examiner in the first paragraph is the proper paraphrasing of the prompt requirement. A proper restatement of the prompt, in your own words, will prove that you are capable of understanding English instructions and serve to garner you a respectable task accuracy score. The fact that you took a shortcut in your prompt restatement so you could jump directly into the discussion of the topic, without properly outlining the discussion shows that you disregarded the academic writing rules of the English language and makes it difficult for you to gain a higher score with this essay. Since you did not post the full prompt requirements for our reference, I am unable to further advice you regarding improvement points in your essay aside from the obvious flaws in a general sense. Please remember to post the complete prompt instructions next time along with your essay so that a more useful assessment of your written essay can be made.

Writing Feedback / The body of an ielts essay related to personal happiness achievement [2]

Duy, in all honesty, this is one of the most off tangent discussion for this topic that I have read on this forum. In trying to impress the reviewer with complex sentences using complicated words that you have no idea how to properly use in sentences and discussions, you wrote an essay that doesn't connect properly with the prompt requirements. For starters, you speak of celebrities when the subjects for comparison are clearly given in the prompt. Deviating from the indicated subjects shows a total disregard for the instructions given. Which means you didn't understand the instructions. You do not have a proper paraphrasing of the discussion topic prior to your argument which leaves the reader, who may not have access to the prompt (something you should always assume) , confused as to the discussion topic and what sort of discussion and opinions will be involved in the presentation. There is no way that this essay would get a passing score specially since it lacks the 5 paragraph requirement for these essays. The misdirected discussion plus lacking word count due to paragraph requirements means you should try harder next time by working within the problem instructions instead of deviating from it. Maybe your next essay will be an improvement. I look forward to reading the next practice essay from you.

Research Papers / Persuasive Research Paper on Government Cost (Ethical, Financial) of Safety though Surveillance [3]

Sean, you have a very nice introduction for your research paper. However, it falls short of presenting an interesting thesis statement at the end. After everything that your comments built up to, you did not manage to properly explain what the whole point of your research paper is and why it is important that people pay attention to this topic that you are discussing. I applaud you for interesting facts in the later research representations but without the topic sentence at the start, I am really unsure as to the importance of this paper. Your essay will also do well with a little bit more popular examples such as how ordinary people view the NSA incursion into the privacy of people without prior notice. Your personal experience or point of view would also help to create a more personal connection with the topic that would give it a more important feel as the reader goes through it.

Writing Feedback / Television influences badly on children's creativity [4]

Iris, in order to receive an accurate and appropriate review of your essay, you must always include the full prompt instructions and topic. Without that you work cannot be scored properly for task accuracy, appropriateness of response, and method or response. These 3 criteria after integral on considering whether your essay would pass or fail in an actual exam setting. Considering your overall response, there it's a lack of balance in terms of your discussion. In a 5 paragraphs essay you have to present the following:

1. Paraphrased prompt and opinion
2. Public opinion and reason 1
3. Public opinion 2 and reason 2
4. Personal opinion in coordination with paragraph 3
5. Summarized conclusion
Your presentation of evidence is strong in some parts, weak in others. This isn't bad for a practice test. You need to work on properly developing your discussion presentations to sound more natural instead of extremely researched and academically presented. Your con discussion is underdeveloped. All paragraphs require 3 - 5 sentences in order to represent a fully developed paragraph. Your essay cannot be judged for accuracy due to the reasons above. Accurate scoring is also not possible for the same reason.

Undergraduate / Interest in a Summer Research Program at Duke University [2]

Brayan, please note that contributors are limited to only one free advice per thread now. The advice that I will be giving you is all encompassing and I will not be able to help you with further edits to your paper. So posting a second version for further editing or approval will be a waste of your time. Grammar-wise, the essay is alright. No major mistakes that should worry you. The content though it's what worries me. The first paragraph is boring and generic. There is no hook that catches the readers attention. It would help your paper if you use the current second paragraph as your first paragraph. Then, focus on developing a new second paragraph instead based your interest in Neuroscience research. Find a specific research subject that you can begin looking into during the summer internship. As an intern, you must show that you are capable of making good use of the time by laying out the foundation of your career startin with an impressive internship application and showing. This current essay doesn't create that sort of interest or show that you will be able to fully utilize your time other than being a general interest intern. This essay doesn't pop in terms of creating an image for you on paper. Do this and the essay will be ready for submission.