Undergraduate / Hairs and Patience - UC Prompt #2 (Unusual but meaningful) [6]

Oh, what is the correct prompt? I see the corrections neva made, and found no others to make...

So, does it follow the prompt after all?

Graduate / MFA Graphic Design/Visual Communications; Personal Statement [3]

I believe that it is pivotal to take all that I have gained and use it to help the next generation of designers. I could not ask for a better opportunity to do so than through the [community program] at [the school]. I am thrilled by the prospect of helping younger students uncover future goals while working towards my own.

Wow, awesome. I have no suggestions, other than to find one or two facts about each school that can be incorporated into the final paragraph. Find the names of actual faculty members to mention, learn about them, and mention them...and you're in!

Essays / TKAM or an 'influence essay'. Which topic should I use for the brown supplement? [5]

Whichever one you would feel real inspiration for... the kind of inspiration that rises up the spine and out to your hands, and types for you.

Writing Feedback / 'it is the right thing to do' - Page 218 Autobiographical Essay [5]

It was upon those moments that the relationships of the fifty of us who constituted Youth Leadership Jacksonville Class XVIII had been constructed.

Wow, you must have had some real inspiration for writing this. It's awesome! I like the way you really treated it just like a page out of a book. They are going to love it.

One thing to re-think: there is an understanding that is deeper than knowing that you are different from prisoners because of having "turned my challenges into opportunities. I have not taken the path of least resistance, but instead, confronted adversity with commitment and determination." The truth is, many of those inmates may have overcome great adversity and taken great pain upon themselves in order to protect loved ones in a cruel world. The justice system is not perfect, and neither are any of us. Convicts can be some of the most excellent, spiritual people.

If someone asked me what made me different from convicted prisoners, I wouldn't know WHAT to say!!! :)

Kevin

Writing Feedback / Describe a character in fiction: How the steel was tempered [3]

He once said: "Personal business must yield to collective interest."

He respected his superiors and learned a lot from the leader's instruction and supervision.

When we are old and look back, we never feel regret about the passage of time or about having failed to act when action was necessary. We must grasp every minute to contribute to the society, because life can end at any minute.

Wow, it looks like you are ready to do a final proofread and turn it in.

Writing Feedback / About an activity: the magazine Young [3]

After a whole day's efforts, which ranged from printing posters to blowing balloons, everyone was exhausted. However, because of the smiles on the faces in the group photo taken at the end of that day, we felt excited and proud of ourselves. Satisfaction was enough reward for what we had done, regardless of praise or blame.

See Neva's comments (above) as well.

Good luck!!!

Writing Feedback / TOEFL ESSAY - serious or entertaining movies [4]

Instead of, "Here are my reasons," try:

My reasons include the following:

Oh, all the corrections that I was about to make were already caught by Neva! Thanks neva, and good luck to you, Camellia.

Graduate / How do you expect your career to be after you have finished your master [3]

I agree with Neva: you should research environmental management and economics jobs in Sweden, and take this as an opportunity to really plan your future a bit. Show them that you know how to research employment opportunities and grad programs. Good luck!

Undergraduate / USC essay- "to be a successful Hispanic", let me know what you think [18]

You do write very well. I think you would appreciate the poetry of Richard Rodriguez. I found little room for improvement, but here is a revision:

Failure to perform well academically is not part of the Hispanic culture; it is only a common misconception that others have in mind and that, sadly, many Hispanics have come to embrace as fact. Because of this, they waste the opportunity that their parents came to America for, often working two or three jobs just to provide for their family. I refuse to be one of the many statistics; I will obtain a higher education and be a successful Hispanic through my endeavors, never settling for anything less than the achievement of my greatest aspirations.

Undergraduate / do you think it is okay to include GPA information on UC essays?? [4]

Yes, I agree that it is good to discuss the GPA, as long as you are sticking to the prompt for the essay.

Congratulations for rising to the occasion and lifting the GPA while playing sports.

:)

Kevin

Book Reports / Topic: Macbeth vs Sonnet 29 of Shakespeare [2]

Shakespeare's somber tone in the onset of the sonnet displays overwhelming melancholy.

In order to cite the quotations for poems, put the line number in parentheses AFTER the quotation mark and BEFORE the period.

...change in his fortune as he states, "I all alone beweep my outcaste state" (line 1).

comma use: Despite his prayers, a "deaf heaven" does not reply.

Usually it is best not to use contractions in formal writing, but instead to write out the two words separately.

Good job!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / Help with USC essay ("to recognize opportunities") [3]

Usually, it is best not to use contractions in formal, academic writing, so instead of writing, for example, "wouldn't," you should write out the two words, "would not."

This is a great story, and perfect for the prompt. Here is some improvement for the ending:

Now that I am in my senior year, I believe that I have made a difference through all the small activities I have completed with these clubs. Failure did not hit me twice; I am now Secretary of my senior class and Sergeant in Arms of Interact. These positions would not change the fact that I lost, but I would never have made so many contributions in and out of school if I had won.

Undergraduate / Which Professor offers faculty and research opportunities? Essay... [6]

Nicely done, with this improved draft. Here is room for improvement:

To me, it showed that a Penn faculty like Professor O'Leary does more than teach the material; he also leaves campus to assist with real-world problems. I look forward to working with him, and I believe he will be an insightful adviser to help guide me in my studies at Penn.

Undergraduate / memories of Christmas holiday in 2004 [3]

First line:

Like anybody else who was affected by the Tsunami that hit in 2004, I can never forget...

At the end, get rid of the phrase, "For me":

The most important part of my life was my role as a leader.

Nice job! See Neva's suggestions above, in addition to mine.

Undergraduate / Biting my nails and China resolution - UC- Part of Diversity [3]

Wow, your grammar is excellent and not in need of revision.

I do advise that you give a brief intro that tells what this activity was... or, better yet, tell the reader at the end of the essay what the activity was that you were participating in. I was left mystified about what the context of the situation might have been.

Other than that, it is great!!

Undergraduate / UC prompt 1. Electrical Engineering. [4]

It was in my University in Sri Lanka that I obtained most of my experience and formally declared my major.

I agree with what jashley said about getting rid of the first sentence... because you tell the intended major at the end of that first paragraph. Anything that is redundant is unnecessary, and unnecessary things detract from the power of the essay.

Unnecessary details are distractions. However, your essay does not have excessive detail; I just mention it as something to keep in mind.

You write well, without errors!

Undergraduate / "Emotions are useless" - common app topic [5]

I knew better than to accept the idea that African-Americans are less intelligent than Caucasians based on IQ scores, but to remain impartial, I had to consider the fact that the tests were somewhat accurate and that my dad, sister, uncles, aunts, cousins and others were inherently less intelligent than the rest of the population.

Start a new paragraph with:

So, I searched for some.

This certainly is about a dilemma that you faced, and I think you can relate it well to the prompt by adding one good sentence to the beginning. "I faced an emotional dilemma when..."

Good luck!!

Undergraduate / Trouble when speaking about experience, UC Transfer Question Prompt [3]

Nope, not safe! :) The most important part is to write well, and the second most important part is to address the prompt. It shows that you think clearly. It is ALRIGHT that you don't have experience in the field. Write about the classes you took and how one of them led to a experience of reflection as you participated in some activity.

I suggest you write an essay all for yourself, just for enjoyment. Then, revise it later. Follow the rules of the prompt, though! :)

Undergraduate / Computer science - UC Prompt #1 and #2 - Transfer Applicant [3]

Neva made some important corrections, and I would even modify one further (prompt 2):

As the season progressed, I found that I had become better than I used to be.

Now, as for the intro, it seems that many students like to start the essay like a story... but you also have the option of starting it with a sentence that captures the fundamental truth of the piece. What is this essay really trying to say, you ask yourself. Do you know that many good writers write the intro paragraph last? It's true!

And if, in your intro, you can respond directly to the prompt: (i.e. "One accomplishment that makes me proud is...")

Good luck!

Undergraduate / ACTIVITIES SECTION OF UC APP - what exactly goes in each section? [2]

I don't know what the application consists of, but if you post the application prompts, I can give you advice.

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / "I experienced Guatemala this summer" - issue of importance UTb essay [5]

I wanted to also mention that Neva caught some good ways to improve sentences!

Undergraduate / "I experienced Guatemala this summer" - issue of importance UTb essay [5]

Oh now I get it! Throughout the essay, I was thinking, Wow, this is a great story, but it does not seem to have much to do with "an issue of importance." However, at the end I learned that the issue is the lack of camaraderie, the lack of neighborliness. It is important for you to establish this as the issue near the beginning of the essay. Get rid of the phrase "Over the summer" in the last sentence of the first paragraph, and write something like:

I went to Guatemala with a group from Habitat for Humanity and, in this world that is completely different from the one in which we live, I learned about an issue of crucial significance to my generation: kindness.

Usually, an "issue" refers to a concern or controversy, such as the economy or global warming. You make a unique contribution by writing about kindness, which is also an important issue.

Undergraduate / 'biology class' - Passion For A Subject Or Cause University of Delaware Essay [3]

Well written! I found no errors in the first half, but I will make recommendations below:

One must be willing to give his or her time to those in need, demonstrating zeal for serving the needs of others. (End the paragraph here, and start a new paragraph about the Boy Scouts)

This is consistent with the Boy Scout Oath, which includes: "On my honor, I will do my best... to help other people at all times." Each Scout has a passion for cheerful service, just as I do. I have collected food, coats, and toys for the poor, caroled for the elderly (even though singing is not my forte), and carried out countless service projects ranging from building benches to planting trees, from painting signs to building paths...

I hope it works out well for you!

Good luck!

Kevin

Undergraduate / Late Show style Personal Statement [5]

Good, I like it. However, there is a chance that the admissions person who reads this would really appreciate the unique approach you originally took. My intuition tells me that it is better to use the paragraph form, though, especially after seeing it.

Go with your own intuition, but my opinion is that it will have more success this way.

Undergraduate / Marital Arts as a Way of Life - uc prompt 2 pls help revise?! [4]

When I first was enrolled, I was still an overexcited boy with little self-control and no sense of responsibility...

Through my five year journey to get my black-belt, and the following three year journey to get my second degree black-belt, constant repetition and constant enforcement of a highly disciplined self had become a habit.

By learning unique ways in which the body can move, and by absorbing the techniques, I have become more open-minded. With the experiences that await me in college, I hope to take a stand and benefit the world.

Good essay! Just those small corrections above.

Thanks!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / August 1998, America. UC Prompt 1 Need help revise. [2]

In August of 1998, my family and I left Hong Kong and stepped into America for the first time.

Start the second paragraph this way:

Within a few months of our immigration, my family started to have conflicts and arguments that we were unable to settle, and my father deserted the family.

Good, now I think you can add a bit more reflection at the end. Sum up the truth of the essay with a powerful concluding sentence.

Thanks!

Kevin

Undergraduate / "My exposure to music", title pending- UC admissions prompt #2 [2]

By the time I entered middle school, I was practicing approximately two hours every day, as well as attending weekly rehearsals with the Stephen Wise Youth Orchestra.

It is an emotional language that I can use to truly express myself, a language with no set amount of words but limitless meanings.

Nope, you do not sound arrogant at all. This is a perfect essay. They ask about accomplishments and what makes you proud, so this is exactly right. Thoughtful, and well-written, too.

Undergraduate / "I love badminton" - UC prompt 2 essay [3]

Let's use some commas to separates words in quotation marks:

Yet I encounter constant remarks like, "Badminton is not a sport," and, "Badminton does not require any skills," from my fellow peers. At my school, badminton is condemned as the "Asian" sport.

Commas and quotation marks can be tricky. Here is another correction:

I am a go-getter. I love to disprove people's preconceptions, and I am much more than your average stereotype. At the beginning of my sophomore year, there were numerous doubts that our season was going to in failure.

Add some reflection on how this success ties in with your dreams for the present and future. Good luck!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / I do not want what others want; my definition of success - UC Prompt essay [2]

All of this celebrity spending to buy these "much needed accessories," appeals to the sense of humor in me.

Hi, you write very well! I think it needs an opening paragraph, though. Rewrite the closing paragraph in different words (brilliant, rhythmic words) and use what you come up with as your opening paragraph. Make sure you chose your words in a way that shows that you are responding to the prompt (i.e. "how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations") You explained that you DON'T want what others want... talk more about YOUR definition of success in a good opening paragraph.

Good Luck!!

:)

Undergraduate / Discovering my passion in art history [4]

I just have a few revisions:

I found that, through practice, the development of technique, one could (with some inspiration) produce work that surpasses even ones own expectations.

Through my experiences in high school and college, I acquired a sense that the material I my academic studies and my study of art and music were interconnected; they supplemented my understanding of other subjects I was studying at the time, but the exact connection eluded me until I took the History of India and Western Art History at the same time.

Whereas I once felt confused about choosing a major, I am now excited to know that Art History connects with so many branches of knowledge that fascinate me.

I like the arrangement of the ideas, and especially the opening sentence.

Thanks!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / Rice Essay Prompt: Personal Perspective [2]

Even though I didn't agree with them, I could look at them through nonjudgmental eyes.

Great essay but I think you could make some changes to the beginning and the end to respond better to the prompt. Can you start by mentioning cultures to which you were exposed in school? And your own culture, too... They ask about "the unique life experiences and cultural traditions" you might bring. I think you need to address that a little more.

However, what you have written is very clear and eloquent.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay: Zoos have no useful purpose. Agree/disagree [4]

Have you ever seen a real, live, bear or a monkey?

When people visit the zoo, they normally do so in a group--with their families, or as a part of a school group activity.

The reason for much criticism of zoos is that in many of them the animals are not very well taken care of and do not have good, clean facilities.

This is mostly true but does not relate to the purpose of zoos.

Very good, you made several points to support your argument. Now add a closing paragraph that restates your argument.

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1 "This World of Mines.." Need Revision A.s.a.p. [3]

Hi, I suggest you look for unnecessary phrases and words to take out, because that will make it more powerful. For example, the beginning:

I have experienced various circumstances, thick and thin, many of which have made me who I am today. My family and the community caused me to want more in life, and to expand not only my knowledge, but also my horizons. In reflecting back on what I have done in life, it shows me that I am well on my way to changing my weaknesses into strengths and achieving my aspirations. I am a determined, hard-working, versatile person who is ready for college and the world.

I only have time to edit that part, but I think you can make it rhythmic and strong by taking out unnecessary words.

Good luck!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / uc essay prompt 1 - "Don't wait for your ship to come, swim out to it." [2]

Great story and reflection. I think you should separate it into a few paragraphs for clarity:

The proverb, "Don't wait for your ship to come; swim out to it," perfectly describes how my father chased after his dreams, and it is a proverb that I live by. His journey in life has taught me many lessons about life and has shaped and inspired my dreams and aspirations for my future. (Start a new paragraph here)

Imagine coming to the United States alone, with no understanding of the English language, culture, or lifestyle.

Good luck!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #2 Dilligence [3]

One meaningful accomplishment from my undergraduate years was to overcome my fears of public speaking.

I kept thinking back to high school, when I took many AP courses and had to do many speeches and presentations.

This is great; it fulfills the prompt very well! Those changes above improve efficiency and clarity.

Good Luck!

Kevin

Undergraduate / What tutoring means to me - Common App Short Answer [10]

This is great. Thanks for letting me help. I found no errors in the rewrite.

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / Fixating on Curiosity (UC Prompt #1) [5]

Baffled by disbelief, I chuckled hesitatingly, but then accepted it with a sigh of relief.

My first impression of her was that she was admirable; she carried...

she wore a great number of bracelets. Being the curious George I was known to be, I inquired her regarding my observation. Without a word, she removed the jewelry...

Wow, interesting story! Great job, I hope this essay is successful for you.

Undergraduate / "my parents to teach and groom" - short 150 word response. [7]

Yes, it is very thoughtful and meaningful. You can improve it by adding an opening sentence that sums up the meaning of the whole thing. Writing an opening sentence like that should be interesting for you.

:)

Kevin

Graduate / Personal Statement - Master of Science in Accounting [3]

Okay... throughout the whole thing, you can shorten sentences by leaving out unnecessary details.

Combine this into one sentence: As a marketing officer who offered services for more than ten local companies, I need to know...

You can take your last paragraph and put it at the beginning as the intro paragraph. Like many students, you got around to making your "statement" right at the end. That last paragraph is a good introduction to the essay. Replace it with a new closing paragraph that captures the meaning of the whole essay.

Good luck!!

Undergraduate / Designated Driver - (UC prompt 1 - my world) [5]

Well, if the word limit allows for you to write a bit more, I suggest that you add one more concluding/reflective paragraph to tie this conviction (to be responsible in order to prevent tragedy that results from recklessness) in with your intended program of study at the school to which you are applying.

Good luck!!