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Posts by Pahan
Joined: Nov 28, 2012
Last Post: Sep 1, 2014
Threads: 1
Posts: 1824  
From: Sri Lanka

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Pahan   
Sep 20, 2013
Writing Feedback / Happiness Vs Success; Which is more important? [2]

As you know, Happiness and success can estimate your quality of life.

As you know, happiness and success determines your quality of life.

Happiness is best emotion of people and success is best result you gain.

Happiness is the best emotion one can have while success is the best result he can gain.

Although it's not delicious, a wife feels very happy and romantic.

A husband isn't a good cooker but in the women day he spends much time to cook a meal or make a cake. Although it's not delicious, a wife feel very happy and romantic. The husband is a successful person when he brings about love and happiness for his wife. This family is always happy and full of smile.

.... well.... I feel you should have cited a better example to show how closely knitted the happiness and success.... this sounds a bit vague in that regard. For example, a successful career makes a person happy - that is a direct relationship.
Pahan   
Sep 20, 2013
Writing Feedback / TOEFL; "traveling ten thousands miles"; The best way to travel is in a group [4]

In addition, travel by ourselves allow us to have aloose visitingspare time to enjoy landscape better.

... Well, I think your idea has not come out the way you really intended :) Let me put it in a different way;
In addition, solo travelling enables us to enjoy more flexibility during the tour. In other words, we do not have to abide to a strict itinerary and spend our travel days the way we wish. For example, we have the freedom either to keep our day busy with visiting lots of places or enjoy more free time to admire scenery or beautiful landscapes.
Pahan   
Sep 20, 2013
Writing Feedback / It has been said, "Not all learning takes place in the classroom." Compare and contrast [4]

Second, there are several things that may have scientific reasons but you cannot learn them from classroom instruction.

.... I do not see a connection between the first and the second parts of this sentence. What are those several things that have scientific explanations? And how come they cannot be learned in classrooms? You need to specify to convey your idea properly to the reader.

For example, social behaviors are something you should learn over timefromthrough different experiences.

.... Ok.... then you should have started with this point;
Second, there are several practical things such as human behaviors that you cannot learn through lessons delivered in classrooms.
Pahan   
Sep 20, 2013
Research Papers / GUN CONTROL LAWS in the USA; ENG 102 Essay [3]

Nearly every US citizen has an emotional opinion about gun control withpoliticians

... I think you need to give more emphasis to the term "law" instead of "politicians".
Nearly every US citizen today has a strong concern about gun control laws.

How can a law be controlled?

.... this gives a different meaning... this talks about controlling the law and not the guns.
How can a law control using guns?
Interesting article :)
Pahan   
Sep 20, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS; Government investment in the arts, such as music and theatre, is a waste of money [6]

Government investment in the arts, such as music and theatre, is a waste of money. Governments must invest this money in public services instead

Is this just a part of your prompt?

The arts play an important role in our lives in accordance of modern events.

.... what do you mean by this? I mean the second part!

These days, people often tend to enjoy better life by the help of modern development, music and theatre are to be such things, people amuse themselves

You need to pay lots of attention to grammar. Try simple and short sentences. Have one sentence for one idea and avoid coupling ideas in one sentence. That would help you construct good sentences that can deliver your ideas clearly.
Pahan   
Sep 19, 2013
Writing Feedback / TOEFL; making teachers' social or political views known to students cannot be judged completely. [7]

I think you still have enough time. You are now almost there. It's a matter of keep practicing as per the structure dumi has suggested. Do practice with time. Also, reading others' essays also would help you to catch points on similar topics. Your writing is quite ok and with these last few practice sessions you'd improve more :)

Good luck with your exam!
Pahan   
Sep 19, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Children consume too much unhealthy food. Cause & solution? [4]

The best way to deal with the regrettable situation at hand is to train children about food and their eating habits.

.... you should not crowd your sentences with too many words unnecessarily. That harms your flow ;
The best way to deal with this situation is to educate children about the importance of nutrients and healthy eating habits as well as the adverse effects that can be caused by unhealthy diets.

If children are taughtmade aware properly, they are more likely to make healthy food choices and minimize the intake of junk food themselves as well.
Pahan   
Sep 19, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: being a celebrity - Pros & Cons [5]

The most important portionaspect of your life that is affected after becoming a celebrity is "Privacy".

From media representatives to individual fans try hard to approach whenever or wherever they get chance.

From media personnel to individual fans, people love to know about the private lives of celebrities. This disturbs their privacy to an unacceptable level.

The most important portion of your life that is affected after becoming a celebrity is "Privacy". From media representatives to individual fans try hard to approach whenever or wherever they get chance. In such circumstances, it is very difficult for celebrities to go around alone and that's why they are always engulfed with security guards. Beside fans, there are also haters who criticize and setup situations to spoil the image of a celebrity. Celebrities also have to deal with controversies initiated by such individuals or groups.

Here too, you have not given any example to support your reason. You need to have examples to go for a good band for this task
Pahan   
Sep 19, 2013
Writing Feedback / [IETLS Task2] Celebrities gain more benefits from their jobs, popularity, and human network [4]

To begin with, it is obvious that famous people, such as movie stars, successful sportspeople, and popular singers, make a lot of money
with their jobs and their popularity could go all around the world .

.... the latter part does not have much connection with the first part.

Considering the normal pay of ordinary people, they could earn 10 times or possibly more. I

... this again is not a very logical sentence. You simply cannot compare earnings of celebrities with what of an average person.
You need to support your reasons with specific examples. So, give a candid example to show how a celebrity makes lots of money. Take a person like Marilyn Monroe who was a poor girl before she became famous actress.
Pahan   
Sep 19, 2013
Writing Feedback / TOEFL (task II): compare / contrast " learning from book or experience" ? [4]

Learning is very important for our life. By learning, we improve our selves as well as our community. We gain information either from books or from experiences we live.

.... Up to this point your intro flows very beautifully.

Both ways carry common features, but they are different in others.

Both ways have many common features, but there are some differences too.

Before giving my opinion, I will compare and contrast both sides.

... It is always good to state your opinion clearly rather than making vague statements like this. It's easier for you to decide which you think is the better way and state it here. If you feel both are equally important, then express your moderate stance clearly. For example;

In my view, I believe both learning through books and experiences are equally important and effective for one's personal progress.
Be firm in saying whatever stance you take :)
Pahan   
Sep 18, 2013
Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Issue on Retirement Age! Agree or Disagree? [5]

To begin with, one of the vital downside of higher retirement age is that the health problems will rocketgrow up when people are getting older.

.... don't use synonyms if you are not very familiar with their usage. They may mean something very different. Also, there are differences in expressing ideas in different languages. A usage in one language may not be appropriate for another language. So, be careful when you try out new sayings.

To begin with, as people grow older, their health condition gets deteriorated.
Pahan   
Sep 18, 2013
Writing Feedback / TOEFL; TV has adverse effects on friends and family [4]

Instead of spend time with family and friends, they like to seat on a chair for hours.

Instead of spending time with family or friends, they indulge themselves sitting in front of a TV for hours watching their favorite TV programs.

but he only lets her talk during commercials

... hey... this is too bad :D Does the marriage still survive?

So, she is used to his habit that she prefers to write him an email.

.... this is even worse .... lol.... but you are right, there are funny people like these nowadays :D

seat at the table

... This should be;
sit at the table not seat
Examples;
People sit together.
There is only one seat available in this room.
Pahan   
Sep 18, 2013
Writing Feedback / Extended family is less important than before; 'lifestyle has changed' [3]

Firstly, in the last decades, several numbers of families used to live together in a house with back yard and farm.

... ok... you are talking about the joint family concept that helped people to manage their family farms and lands. So let's put it this way;

First, in earlier eras, many societies had the joint family concept that helped families to manage their large farmlands. Therefore, a number of extended families used to live under one roof in peace and harmony sharing a common goal of managing their farming lands well and thriving their family business.
Pahan   
Sep 18, 2013
Writing Feedback / You have enough money to purchase either a house or a business. Which would you choose? [3]

Business world is so complicated that no one can understand it completely. It has so many difficulties and sometimes it is a trap that leads you to bankruptcy. However its pros are always more than its cons. A good business can make you rich.

this is well written. Only issue is it does not introduce your prompt to the reader. No where it talks about the two options that you are given to choose. For this task, you need to align your writing well with the prompt. In that sense you need to give more focus to what your prompt suggests.

You risk your money by puttinginvesting it in a business that you will not know that if it is going to be profitable or not

You write very well and certainly can go for a very good score. Pay attention to the desired structure for this task. That you would find in many other threads, especially in dumi's comments :)
Pahan   
Sep 18, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS-In many countries there are many highly qualified graduates without employment. [3]

Currently, there are as much as unemployed person, who is graduated from advanced education, does not have occupation in many countries.

This sentence is poorly structured :( You need to pay attention to grammar and flow of ideas. My advice is that you should try simple and short sentences that would help you present your ideas with better clarity.

Today, there are many unemployed graduates. This has become a major issue in many countries.

In my opinion, it is essential that universities should stop traditional education, and have to re-structure an appropriate method.

In my opinion, it is essential that universities should stop offering traditional academic courses for the students. Instead they should re-structure them to suite career demands in the job market.
Pahan   
Sep 18, 2013
Writing Feedback / knowledge consolidating; Teachers should assign homework for students every day [5]

In most of schoolsof my country , teachers regularly assign homework to their students everyday.

.... Better you keep it more general because your prompt doesn't particularly refer to your country.

Some people may rebutesrefute this idea since daily homework is a huge burden ofon students.

Some people perceive this as trend as a major burden on students that create lots of study pressure on them.

However, as far as I am concerned, students should do their homework everyday for consolidating their knowledge system, developing a great study habit and for their success in the exams

However, as far as I am concerned, I believe that homework helps students recap the lessons that they learned in classrooms. It also helps them be more organized in studying that would enable them to perform well at the examinations.
Pahan   
Aug 21, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS; characteristics motivate to our goals and provoke to develop our self-identity [12]

It can be said, attitude of every person is an innate ability which deals with life. The issue of characteristics more than experience can motivate on our development and Individuality in life.

.... I feel you need to strengthen the connection between these two lines. They seem to be detached.

When we are born, parents helpshelp us to move and have food

From our infancy to adolescence, the parents nurture us and guide our path.

similarly, we learn different activities that act in future life.

.... this is not clear to me. What do you mean by this sentence?
Moreover , the progress in childhood makes us understanding everything
Pahan   
Aug 21, 2013
Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Successful people try new things; Do you agree? [4]

Both of the opposite arguments appear to be somewhat convincing and stand to reason.

The following reasons will present my points.

.... You should have stopped with expressing your view. That's a neat completion of your intro :)

First of all, a region differs from what one used to may lead success.

... this statement lacks clarity. Do you mean that region has a bearing on one's success path?

it has a highly chance

... high chance
Pahan   
Aug 21, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Exploitation of animals is bad! [6]

While some people are of the opinion that animals must be exploited for the needs of humans being such as food, medical research, entertainment and education, others believe that it is important to treat animals in the same way humans are and have similar rights.

... this does not have any grammar errors and it's written well. But I feel it is better if you began your intro with a good hook that bonds the reader to your essay. Something like;

All animals play an important role in the environment. ... then introduce the background of the issue.

This essay will discuss both points of view.

.... In my view, this sentence does not have much value.
Pahan   
Aug 20, 2013
Writing Feedback / [Proficiency exams ]Argument essay arguing in favour of or against advertising.. [4]

People have been using advertisements to be noticed in order to sell their products.

... People include both sellers and buyers. That is to say they represent both advertisers and consumers. So, better you used a different word to begin this essay;

Businesses have been using advertisements to grab consumers attention in order to promote selling their goods and services.

Due to the fact that advertisements could be seen everywhere such as on tv, in the newspaper and On the building walls.They, they have variety of shapes whether they can be colourful or not, depends on creator's imagination skills.

... you need to combine these two lines, otherwise your first sentence would sound incomplete. However, I find this sentence is not so meaningful. :(
Pahan   
Aug 20, 2013
Writing Feedback / IETLS General Task 1: You have taken apart time job. issue with them and its solution [8]

It will be better enough for me if you could consider me to transfer my work location to another office branch next to Alexandra road and it was only 2 km away from my new college building.

This sentence should be coupled with the previous one. I mean they should come together;
I am sure that you understand the value of this part time job for me because it helps meet my financial requirements in a great way. Therefore, I would be very obliged to you if you could arrange a transfer for me to work in your branch office in Alexandra Road which is only 2 km away from the new college building.

There are some grammar mistakes in this letter and hope you would take care of them. :)
Pahan   
Aug 20, 2013
Writing Feedback / Use of computer; Advantages and Disadvantages [3]

Is this essay for IELTS? Better you tell us the prompt :)
In the last fifty years our everyday life has knownshown a very remarkable development in factdue to the use of computers technologies became indispensable. ... pay attention to the fixes I made.

This excessive use of itcomputers has permitted a considerable growth in different fields, study & research and industry.

But it renders the human factor less creative, more dependantsdependable and it is not friablereliable one hundred per cent.

If you are preparing for IELTS or TOEFL, then you need to improve your essay format. If you have a look at other similar topics you'll find a good format that dumi has suggested.
Pahan   
Aug 20, 2013
Writing Feedback / Now many employees have the option to telecommute - why? [7]

Firstly, employees working from their respective places do yield their hundred percent result by thecomfort-ability provided to them on their respective couches.

.... the latter part is pretty confusing. Is this you wanted to say;
First, the employees who work from home do produce high productivity levels due to the flexibility they enjoy in that work arrangement.

his is the fundamental rule of Management and entrepreneurship that in order to get hundred percent efficiency from the employees, the employer must provide them with the adequate amount of Motivation Factor. In management aspect it can be known as an 'Incentive'. With the motive to achieve the presumed goals an employer provides its employees with this incentive.

.... these are management theories and you need to align them with your topic. How does this arrangement motivate employees? That is the point you need to discuss here. I guess it is the flexibility that they value the most. Otherwise it could be a way of de-motivation too because it lacks social interactions that you find in an office environment.
Pahan   
Aug 20, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 General training : A friend has agreed to look after your house and pets [5]

Well Arun.... by reading your prompt, I understand your friend has agreed to look after your house and pet while you are away. So this is prearranged between you and your friend and this letter is a subsequent one for you to give him other details before you go. So, in this case you need to show your gratitude to him because he is gonna do you a favor. That I don't see in your letter, but a set of instructions for him. It's very important to understand the background of the letter and apply the right tone in your writing.
Pahan   
Aug 20, 2013
Writing Feedback / Installing lights to reduce accidents. GRE Analyze an argument. Feel free to comment. [5]

First of all, the author assumes thatsince the presence of traffic lights at accidents at intersections (????) , they would work equally well with traffic lights and thus will be effective in reducing red-light running

... I am confused with the inclusion of this following part;
" since the presence of traffic lights at accidents at intersections"... I don't get what you are trying to mean :(

It should be pointed out that just because something worksinfor one case it does not mean that it would necessarily work well in another case.

However, it is too risky to assume that one solution would fit for all cases.
Pahan   
Aug 20, 2013
Writing Feedback / 'Multitasking teenagers' - ACT Essay Review [4]

I fully believe teenagers who multitask(??) while doing their homework are restricting their critical thinking capabilities.

... fully agree sounds better.
As dumi suggested, I too feel you need to introduce the topic before stating your opinion. This sounds like a direct answer to a question. Anyway, here I find a few grammar issues;

I believe that teenagers who adopt a multitasking approach. restrict their critical thinking capabilities.

. As a result, these students are unable to fully comprehend what they study.

... actually, students cannot fully comprehend what they study because of their concentration is disturbed. I feel you should have brought up that point.
Pahan   
Aug 20, 2013
Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Impact made by fast food on our lives [7]

Beginning with health problem, which I consider the most dangerous threat of the fast food, all the studies conducted on the people who ate fast food regularly on daily basis , started to gave many health problems, majorly cardiac problems and blood sugar, in addition to the blood level measurements were markedly elevated which predispose those people to a very risky and dangerous disease in the future for example there is a movie called "Supersize Me" which talks about the changes of blood pressure, lipid and sugar changes in the blood of a person who decided to eat McDonalds everyday for 30 days and the results were horrible.

Hey... the above is just one sentence, isn't it? That's way too long my dear friend. Focus on writing shorter sentences. You need to have better clarity in your writing and the best way to have it is by writing short interesting sentences. Write one line for one idea. The reader is reluctant to keep memorizing your stuff to keep connecting your ideas to understand what you've written. :(
Pahan   
Aug 20, 2013
Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Factory near your community/ Advantages & Distadvantages [3]

On the other hand the disadvantage of having a big factory next to our city, especially if that factory will produce some gases that could be harmful for people's health who live around it.

... I don't find a connection between your first and the second part of this sentence;
On the other hand, the main disadvantage of having a big factory near our town is that it may produce gases that could bring harmful effects to our health.

Finally, I think having a big factory can be advantageous in the cities, which suffer from unemployment and economical problem, if the location and other points were considered appropriately.

Finally, I believe that advantages of having a big factory in the neighborhood may outweigh disadvantages. It may reduce unemployment level which is now a burning issue in our town.
Pahan   
Aug 20, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS essay about the effects of future developments in the field of IT [5]

From the evidence of developed countries it seems inevitable that in the last two decades there have been many technological developments in the field of information technology.

... why do you cite developed countries? Even in developing countries such as India or China (which are not yet rated as developed) you can very well see this trend. It is always better to keep your topic in a broader sense without narrowing it down. You may run into problems by doing so.

Nevertheless, the effects of this technology have not all been beneficial.

Nevertheless, the development of information communication systems have not always been beneficial to society.
Pahan   
Aug 20, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1 - line graph aging population [2]

The line graph illustrates the proportion of the elderly population (aged 65 and over) from 1940 to 2040 in three different countries

.... you need to stop at this point and move the next line to a new paragraph. With one sentence you should introduce the graph and then in the next paragraph you should give an overview of it. Then in the last para, you should discuss more details in length.
Pahan   
Aug 19, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Nowadays, many secondary schools teach business and communication skills [4]

It is true that more benefits exist when subjects related to students' potential occupations are introduced at the early stage

It is true that there will be more benefits when children gain knowledge and skills from a young age for their future potential careers.
You better have more specific examples for your reasoning. The ones you have written lack the specific nature.

The importance of traditional classes, however, should not be neglected because they are also helpful for individuals'career.

... more than career, they are helpful in shaping one's character and wisdom. For example, knowing history would prevent a person repeating the same mistake in reality.
Pahan   
Aug 19, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS; Competition instills confidence into the child's mind. [5]

It is useful to grow a sense of motivation in the children's study rather than cooperation among them.

.... hey , the latter part adds a bit stereo type thinking ...LOL
I feel it's good to be a bit more diplomatic :D
A sense of competition is important to motivate children in their academics as it provokes them to put more effort and therefore it hones their skills and intellect .

It is undoubtedly trusted when a child failed in exam or received less mark than the others, he weeps a lot as well as parents chide him.

.... there are many better examples for this reason. This one is not so attractive.
Pahan   
Aug 19, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Research indicates that the characteristics we are born with have much more [3]

Your introduction seems to be too lengthy. Generally, introduction aims at introducing the prompt and your position to the reader. Since IELTS tasks have a bearing on time, do not waste time lengthening paragraphs unnecessarily. Include all important features in your essay that would help you earn marks.
Pahan   
Aug 18, 2013
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: sometimes it is good to learn with a teacher and sometimes on my own [4]

Different people prefer different styles of learning methods and processes.

I think both learning by myself and learning with a teacher could be helpful.

This is your thesis statement. Make sure it is the last sentence of your introduction. That gives a neat finish to your introduction :)
You start with a good hook (what you've written is good) and then tell the background of the issue - tell both sides of the argument. Finally make your thesis statement - state your position on the argument.
Pahan   
Aug 18, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS: It is generally accepted that families are not as close as they used to be. [3]

Decreased acquaintanceship within families pointing us to the drawbacks of modern society that negatively impacts on our personal life.

.... why modern society impacts on family life negatively? You need to tackle that point!
With advancement of technology, the modern society has become very fast paced. This situation has gives rise to weakened bonds between family members in today's society.

By far the most remarkableimportant reason to change relationship within the families is the increased busyness in modern life.

.... remarkable is not appropriate to use in that sentence. Be careful with synonyms and don't use them if you are not very sure with their usage.

The important reason for this phenomenon is the fast lives that people live today. People are too busy with their day to day commitments ??????
Pahan   
Aug 18, 2013
Writing Feedback / Student behavior has became major problem in world .causes and solution . [6]

Students are the future of country. The development of the country mainly depends upon students. Today in the time of advancement and hi-technology it is mandatory to educate them well.
So that they can aid nation with there creative ideas . But some times it become difficult to both students and parents or teacher to understand each other .

Is this your introduction? Then why it comes in two parts? You should have one full paragraph for your introduction. It should first begin with a sound hook that grabs the reader's attention to bind him to your writing until you finishes it. Then you need to show that it is important to discuss the matter suggested by the prompt by introducing both sides of the argument. Finally you need to make your thesis statement by stating your position on the argument.
Pahan   
Aug 18, 2013
Writing Feedback / Agree/Disagree? Students are more influenced by their teachers than by their friends [6]

As far as I am concerned, I disagree that teachers are more effective to students rather than friends because of two supporting factors including time and age.

As far as I am concerned, I disagree that teachers have more influence than peers on children.
I feel you should stop at making your thesis statement. It is good to have the thesis statement as the last sentence of your introduction.

The first important aspect to point out is that students spendplenty ofmore time with their friends than with others and it causes them to livebecome very close with each other.

while they are spending time with them

while they are spending time together.
Pahan   
Aug 18, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: ZOOs are only to entertain people? [3]

Secondarily, purpose of the zoos is to entertain visitors as modern zoos.

.... I don't understand what you mean by modern zoos. Do you mean that they have play areas for kids and stuff like that? Are they really important for this topic?

Secondly, the primary objective of the zoos is to entertain its visitors.

here are so many kinds of animal as lion, tiger, giraffes, monkey...

... this part sounds a bit silly.... Everybody knows that zoos have animals and giving a list of animals is not a feature of a good essay.
Pahan   
Aug 18, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS; GAP YEAR is helpful for students to gain experience through work or travel [5]

There are several reasons, students are actually dependent on parents due to the financial support.

In your body paras, you need to start with your reason;
Students are dependent on their parents for financial support to carry out their further studies.

When students get an opportunity to take part in job during his or her one year break, it may lead him or her into selt-support.

Working during the gap year helps them to be independent and self sufficient.
Try to have one reason per body para. But you should provide a sound example for each reason!

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