Undergraduate / The generally apathetic CMU supplement essasy [2]

Adam, your whole essay does not properly represent the required information based on the prompt requirements. You have decided to write a background statement instead of accurately showing the reviewer the considerations that you used in selecting your major, your educational institution, and your achievements that helped you come to the final decision about your future.

The information that you present indicates a general understanding of Carnegie Mellon but does not reflect any relation with your chosen major. In fact, you don't even specifically mention your chosen major. There are no achievements indicated either. Only a discussion of the general understanding of how STEM fits in the overall scheme of Carnegie Mellon. This type of essay will not help you get into the university because it does not deliver the prompt requirements. You can't use this essay. You need to better understand the prompt requirements and then develop a more relevant essay. The focal points are:

1. What is your major?
2. Why is Carnegie the best place to learn about the major?
3. What achievements and experience do you have that will make you a far more advanced candidate for admission to this major? Why should they choose you over someone else based upon your related experiences?

I tried to simplify the prompt for you in the hopes of helping you to better present your responses on an outlined, individual basis. I hope it works.

Undergraduate / Performing surgeries sparks my curiosity - exploring interests at the UPenn [2]

Shizumi, you can actually free up more of the word requirement to use in developing other aspects of your essay if you remove the opening statement that you have. That paragraph does not focus on the interests you will be exploring at UPenn. Rather, it is focusing on the location of the university, which is not relevant to the requirements of the essay. What we are looking for here is a familiarity between you, your chosen major, and the offerings of the university. As you know, education is not limited to the 4 corners of the classroom anymore. The university has both academic (in-class) education and extra curricular (after school) education that still aligns with your course major interests. So discuss those after school activities that relate to your major as part of the method by which you will pursue your academic interests at the university. Most of the information that you present is really generic and sounds more like you just read about it on the internet rather than you truly having a solid idea as to how you will pursue higher academic interests in a diverse method while at UPenn. So that is the part that you have to concentrate on when you revise your essay.

Undergraduate / A step to be greater and more meaningful than the previous one - my transition to maturity [4]

Maria, this essay does not meet the requirements for a transition to adulthood essay. It does fulfill the requirements for a background
essay though. I suggest that you change the prompt you will be using this essay for to the following prompt:

Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

A transition story usually has its basis or foundation in an event that has you, as the performer of the act, developing a more matured mindset or creating a more adult character trait as you performed the task. It is an incident that happens only once and has the community or your parents acknowledging that your actions are finally that of an adult. It is about proving that you can take responsibility for yourself and that you will be able to take care of yourself without the help of others. Your current essay doesn't reflect that.

However, it reflects information that clearly pertains to prompt 1. So, if you would like to, you can just use a different prompt with the essay. Make sure that you review the requirements of the discussion and that all important points are reflected in the essay. I believe you have done so. Although, you may want to develop some other points of the essay based upon the new prompt requirements. Otherwise, the essay will work perfectly with the new prompt instead. If you want to use your original prompt, you will need to write a new essay that better reflects the prompt requirements.

Undergraduate / Amazing student to faculty ratio and many other reasons - what great at Swarthmore [4]

Aime, here is the thing. Your essay says nothing but the common known information about Swarthmore. This essay will not impress the reviewers and does not do anything to make your application stand out. I suggest that when you talk about what interests you about Swathmore, you display an idea of the kind of education that you hope to receive there. Discuss how your interest in Swarthmore is connected with your interest in your major. Explain how you plan to excel at the university using their facilities. Pose a research query that you are interested in developing while a student there. Your interest in Swarthmore should tie in directly with your chosen major. Not in the general offerings of the university. So to become unique, focus on your major in relation to the university offerings.

Undergraduate / From the clunky weirdo with ADHD to a dedicated student and a fulfilled musician. [8]

There is still the question of excess energy that your mother wished you would get rid of by playing the drums. What was her motivation for suggesting it to you? That line just seems so inconsistent with the rest of the essay. It is supposed to lay the foundation for your interest in the drums. Yet is says nothing about why and how it happened. It is kind of like your essay skipped 3 steps. All of sudden, you were a drum expert. Yet, we don't get any idea as to how your being bullied really connects with it. Your mother's statement doesn't make sense. Why did she think that getting into drums would be good for you? Obviously her idea worked. But what made her think that it would work? You need to develop a stronger foundation paragraph for it. Something as strong as the depiction of the bullying, in order to remove the question mark that remains in the essay.

Graduate / The proseminars in particular attract me. Seeking an advice on Personal Statement for MIT Sloan MFin [7]

Ng, my question for you is this, why would you want your essay to sound like all the other essays that you have read? Granted that more of the previous applicants wrote about the same topic, don't you think that you should be going in the opposite direction so that your essay will be different from theirs? Your essay should sound unique and try to create a different response from everyone else. Don't let your essay be influenced by the ones that you have read as examples. As far as I am concerned, this essay portrays your thoughts, ideas, and sentiments. It is original and stands apart because of your method of discussion.

As for the mission of MIT Sloane, you actually respond to it through your future career goals and plans. The essay asks you how you will embody their mission and vision. You actually do this because you have solid plans for your short and long term goals. If you would like to be specific, then you can tie in specific keywords from the prompt into your essay so that the reviewer will get specific markers regarding prompt number 3 responses. I do not feel that is necessary though since that part seems to be a fluid part of the discussion. You don't really need to be highly specific about it. But then, that is my opinion, we should work on the essay based upon yours.

Undergraduate / From the clunky weirdo with ADHD to a dedicated student and a fulfilled musician. [8]

Definitely much better. Although, it still seems a bit too long. Can you tell me what the maximum word count is for this prompt? It seems to me like there are statements that can be merged or deleted, depending upon its position in the current essay. Some of the paragraphs, in my opinion, lack the ability to create clear motivations and discussions based upon your current presentation. There are signs of missing information or a lack of direct relation to the story you are trying to tell. I have some specific ideas in mind but I need to make sure that it will work for your essay. Let me know the actual maximum word count for the essay and I should be able to get back to you with instructions as to how to make your essay more memorable in terms of length and content for the reviewer.

Undergraduate / I need to go further in my efforts. Common application essay for Transfer 2017 Fall [7]

It all depends upon the word allowance that you are given for the essay Zhang. If you have a word limited essay, it is always best to direct the reviewer to the relevant response as soon as you can. If you have no word count limitation, then you can go ahead and start with a story. If your word maximum is around 750 - 1000 words, then you can use the anecdote method. If you can only write up to 250 or 650 words, get to the point as soon as you can. In this instance, it is best if you just discuss the points of relevance immediately. My advice in thread # 2 should help you to better deliver a relevant essay to the reviewer. All reviewers prefer to read the essay of students whose words represent short, but informative essays. It saves them time and allows them to complete other tasks related to their duties.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay. Computer Crash and the Best Education [3]

Leslie, this essay tends to wander in terms of discussion. I am assuming that this is your first draft of this essay and that you are a work in progress in terms of this essay. The first thing you have to do is remove the paragraph about Iron Man. The whole paragraph. In order to make this an effective background story, you need to open with the focus directly on you. Which is what happens in the second paragraph. The essay takes on a life of its own at that point. It becomes highly informative and shows a clear excitement on your part about why you want to become a computer major.

Word of caution though, remove the reference to being 7 years old at the time of the computer crash. The age when you experienced something does not matter as much as the experience that you received. So, rather than having the reviewer question your age in relation to an almost child prodigy like experience, which makes him question the validity of your narrative, just bring his focus to the prompt discussion at all times.

Scholarship / Indian and US lifestyles - there's a huge difference, but I'm ready and well prepared for it [3]

Sahana, remove the quote from Maya Angelou. I do not care who you are quoting and how relevant you feel that quote is to your situation, you are never allowed to swear, cuss, use bad words / foul language in an academic essay. Most specially an academic essay that could deliver a scholarship for a rare opportunity for you to study overseas. I do not know what you were thinking. Why would you think that you can swear in an essay of this magnitude and deliver a good impression of yourself to the reviewer? Don't answer that. Just remove the offending paragraph from your essay and it should become aligned once again with the proprieties of academic writing.

The line referring to your familiarity with the US educational system is irrelevant to the reason why you will make a great participant in the program. All of the applicants will be claiming the same thing. Do not tell the reviewer that going to school abroad will make you the pride of the family. That is a selfish reason for wanting to win this prestigious scholarship and does not paint you in a good light with the reviewer. A great participant to this program is open to learning from others. He respects others with his words. You already have two counts against you in this essay that you wrote based upon swear words and self centered content. I need not tell you that you must revise those portions immediately.

Undergraduate / My struggling... culture shock? multicultural? Personal importance thing [7]

Hi Shi, well, I do not think that you actually need to add to anything more to the essay that you currently have written unless you want to. Like I said, the prompt is what needs to be replaced. Not the content of the essay. You see, there are times when you write an essay and you think that it perfectly responds to a particular prompt that you want to respond to. In this case, the essay was accidentally written in response to a different prompt. Maybe you were previously considering that prompt then changed your mind. Whatever the reason, your essay best fits the prompt I suggested above. So go ahead and switch the essay prompts around. The essay will be better off after the switch is made and it will not cost you any revision of content either. So it is a win-win situation for you.

Undergraduate / The words "software", "program" always more important than a "game" [8]

Chen, the statement that you developed does not even begin to respond to the prompt. None of the sections in it clearly discuss why you are interested in attending Georgia Tech. The first half verges on the side of a personal statement. The next half, shows a half researched, mostly just rushed and disinterested essay that supposedly explains why you want to attend the university. If you want to see an example of what a weak response to the prompt essay is, then you have successfully created one. Delete this essay. Do not use it. Instead, create a new essay. One that shows a familiarity with the university extra curricular activities. That is one of the best and simplest way to respond to the prompt. Discuss a particular organization or club that exists at the university that you hope to become a member of because of your interest in a specific college major. That should work to help you develop the foundation of your response to the essay in a more prompt aligned manner.

Undergraduate / "Temporary" feelings. UVA "What is your favorite word and why?" Is it too silly and over dramatic? [6]

Jenna, while some students here might tell you that it is okay to go over a certain percentage of the word count and the system will still accept your essay, I am of a different opinion. There is a reason that you were given a word requirement. That is meant to keep the essay focused on the discussion topic provided. The reviewers only have a limited amount of time to review essays so they do not have time to waste wading through wordy essays. They normally just skip those, in the event of paper essays, or the system totally rejects the essay during online submission so your paper will never even have a chance to be read. So be cautious and rule abiding. That means, stick to the maximum word count. That is, if you value your application to the university.

Now, with the 250 words, you were instructed to discuss only one specific word that you find to be your favorite. Yet, I count at least 3 words being discussed in this essay. Keep in mind that the reviewer is also judging your ability to follow instructions as that is an integral part of being a college bound student. Your work obviously tells him that you are a rule breaker. You were told to discuss one word and you discussed numerous words instead. That will make him rethink your application status to his university. So you should edit the content instead. Do specifically what the prompt requires, which is to discuss one, singular, solitary word that is your favorite term to use in your daily life.

Undergraduate / The car I was in flipped three times and hit a tree - common app essay prompt # 5 [3]

Breiar, this is definitely not a transition to adulthood story. I do not know what ever made you think that the content of this essay showcased a transition event. Not even the fact that you cheated death makes this a transition to adulthood story. If anything, this essay most properly represents prompt number 1. You know, the one that goes like this:

Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

You have written a very lovely essay that has some eye opening reminders for the readers. However, there is no clear transition that happened within. You won't even have to develop a new essay response for the prompt mentioned above. Your work already fits the requirements. That is why I am suggesting that you change the prompt to something more relevant based on the current list of available prompt requirements.

Undergraduate / Five days which taught me a lot. Cornell ILR program-- Why Cornell?? [2]

Katie, this particular presentation is preventing you from properly developing the discussion as to how Cornell ILR will help you pursue your interests. While the presentation is creative, there is a lack of proper discussion development as to how specific ILR concerns presented itself during this week at camp. Even worse, you failed to properly develop the discussion of how Cornell ILR will be able to help you learn more about or understand why these sorts of situations occur. Single sentence representations of that discussion is not enough. There is a clear lack of familiarity with the course offerings and objectives of the department at Cornell University. You basically presented general ideas that could apply to any other university in terms of discussion development. The reason why Cornell ILR is the only university for you should be more academic centered and allow you to showcase an understanding of Industrial Labor Relations. You can still use the same conversation from this essay. Just present it in a more fluid discussion in essay format in order to allow yourself the freedom to properly develop your discussions. You can self edit if you go over the word count. You of all people should know when and where you can cut certain content of the essay without affecting the overall presentation.

Scholarship / Academic excellence and character. Recommendation for a student to get Erasmus Mundus Scholarship. [3]

Noman, you can skip paragraph 4 of this letter of recommendation. It doesn't really serve a purpose in the essay because the teacher is not your teacher in charge nor is he your guidance counselor. So he is not considered an authority when it comes to discussing your moral character and ability to interact with your classmates. Focus the letter only the topics that are relevant to his relationship with you. That is the discussion of his observations regarding your abilities as a student and a researcher. Do not change anything in the first paragraph. It is very relevant when it comes to helping the reviewer understand the kind of guidance this teacher offered you and why he has a certain observation about you in relation to certain academic related activities. The rest of the essay will be better once you remove the irrelevant paragraph 4.

Undergraduate / Cross country race - high hopes and no success. Common App Personal Essay [4]

I am not sure why you chose to title this essay "My ambiguous experience". Ambiguous means "open to more than one interpretation; having a double meaning." or "unclear or inexact because a choice between alternatives has not been made." It would seem to me that neither of these scenarios existed for you in this instance. You were never torn between two choices. You had to finish the race. If there are no choices for you in the essay, the title automatically becomes wrong and the narrative becomes incorrect. Therefore, you should either change the title of your essay or, add a conflict to the story that gives you the opportunity to choose between two possible lines of action prior to your decision to finish the race. The essay needs to fulfill all requirements of the prompt or the title that you created in order to become a relevant part of your application documents.

Undergraduate / Pitzer, what's next? College Supplemental - Pitzer's 5 Core Values [3]

Breonna, you can free up word count to further develop your concluding statement if you totally eliminate the current first paragraph that you have. There is no need to review the points that the prompt made in the opening paragraph, this is not a TOEFL or IELTS written test, this is a college application essay. By immediately discussing the relevant core values starting with the proper first paragraph, you will have more words with which to strengthen or properly develop the paragraphs that you perceive as being weak in your essay.

Your current 4th paragraph does not seem to actually reflect a particular core value in the essay. It seems to have just been thrown into the essay without proper consideration for the relevance and importance of the statement in the essay. If you remove that paragraph, your essay will better represent the values of Pitzer and also, offer you the most accurate opportunity to fully develop all aspects of your core values discussion.

Undergraduate / "Thud!" My last throw. COMMON APP Personal Statement [3]

Ivan, what exactly are the instructions for this personal statement? I am not sure what the relevance of the story is in terms of your personal statement and college application. A normal personal statement, one that does not follow a specific prompt requirement usually discusses the development of your interest in your course major and the reason why you have chosen to apply to a specific university. This narrative is nothing like that. So I am wondering if you have been required to tell a specific story or relate a particular incident that will help to respond to the prompt. I would appreciate it if you could provide us with a copy of the instructions you were given so that I can properly consider your essay content as a representation of the prompt requirements.

Scholarship / Great motivational principle from my father. Global Undergraduate Exchange Program 2017 [2]

You have presented excellent starting points for discussions regarding your ability to become a great participant in the program. However, you have not properly developed the salient points of your essay. Overwhelming the reviewer with under developed information about your talents and skills is not really going to show him why you make a considerable candidate for the program. You should cut down your presentation to your top 3 most notable skills or accomplishments which should help to make you stand out as an ideal candidate. At the moment, you have all of your abilities listed but none of them really stand out because your discussions lack development in terms of showing the usability of these skills once you get to the United States. Some of your paragraphs are mere statements that have not been developed into properly informative paragraphs. A long essay is not as good as a short and informative essay. In your case, you should opt for short but informative.

Undergraduate / Dualities permeate my existence. Common App Promp #1-College Essay [3]

Thu, remove the paragraph that discusses religion. Since you are trying to get into a university in the United States, you should be aware that religion is a highly volatile topic for discussion in their society. In order to not accidentally offend anyone who might be reading your essay, it is in your best interest to not present your religious point of view in it. Be politically correct. Don't present any information that could trigger a negative impression of your personality, beliefs, or ideologies. In addition to that, the opening statement is irrelevant to your background, identity, talent, or interest. You can adjust the second paragraph to make it the opening statement instead and just indicate that you moved to the US from Vietnam in a single sentence. Doing that will make the essay more relevant to the prompt and allow you to focus the attention of the reviewer on the relevant essay response portions.

Undergraduate / An essay that shows why I am going to be a great participant for the UGRAD scholarship [4]

Ahmed, you make mention of volunteering at organizations that helped you to participate in various programs related to cultural exchange or community service. You have to mention these specific groups and the time / year when you participated in the activity because the reviewer will want to verify those claims before considering it a valid claim in support of your application. Your essay too wordy at the moment. The length of the essay doesn't correspond to the content because you just keep on repeating the same statement over and over again with different references involved. I strongly advice you to simply choose the most impressive participation that you had which can justify your participation in the UGRAD program and present it in the essay. You have to review the essay and try to either shorten or present new information in each paragraph. Don't aim for length, aim for relevant content instead.

Undergraduate / How do you improve the life of others? MIT essay [8]

Antonio, the Olympiad is not really an acceptable community service. That is because it does not do anything to develop the community in terms of bettering the lives of the people living there. However, since this is the only community service that you have done, you should just try to slant the essay in such a manner that your service seems like something that benefits the community. For example, you can say something about the students in the school in your community not doing well in math. Say that in the regional tests, your community ranks among the lowest when it comes to Math learning. Now, you can indicate that you know the importance of Math in terms of creating a better future for oneself because college courses require a student to know at least the math basics if they are to succeed in their chosen degree. That is why you took it upon yourself to train the students in Math. In order to prepare them for a better future, you decided that they should join olympiads in order to help them keep abreast of their math lessons and offer them real world application and practice for the math theories you taught them. In the end, beyond the olympiad, the students gained a better ranking in the regional tests, so you are confident that you have helped them to at least secure a chance of performing well in college, specially if they enter math specific courses. Do you think you can revise the essay to sound similar to what I have indicated here?

Graduate / The proseminars in particular attract me. Seeking an advice on Personal Statement for MIT Sloan MFin [7]

Yes Ng. Like I said, there is no problem with the later part of your essay. The only parts you need to pay attention to are the paragraphs that I indicated above. Since you agree with me regarding the removal of those paragraphs, then you do not need to make any formal content revisions to the essay. From my response, you can tell that the essay works quite well in terms of prompt responsiveness and only needs to be adjusted in terms of format in order to prepare the essay for a final draft review. Can you tell me why you find it hard to answer the third part of the prompt? Maybe there is something I am missing here or perhaps I can clarify your concerns regarding what troubles you in that paragraph? This essay will not be finally ready to use until you are actually satisfied with the response you developed. So I will work with you until you feel comfortable with the overall essay content.

Undergraduate / NERD, GEEK & DORK -TUFTS- [4]

Kelly, in order to properly decide as to the relevance of this introduction and your other ideas for the essay, you first need to tell us what the prompt requirement that you are trying to fulfill is. The use of the 3 terms will not be considered cuss words because those are now, simply considered "English slang" representations of certain character traits or ideas regarding the aura or appearance of a person. The part that you have posted doesn't feel like an opening statement. It feels like a total essay at this point. So you may want to reconsider the content of the paragraphs you have presented. Try to present a coherent singular discussion that already includes your personal definition if you wish. Whether or not this will make for an acceptable essay will depend totally on how the original prompt dictates the discussion to flow. For that decision, you need to present the original prompt to use when you can.

Undergraduate / This tragic moment granted something inside of me - background statement [5]

Seble, the essay doesn't make any sense. It is not really a background essay, nor is it an ideology essay. It definitely is not a transition essay either. It doesn't meet any of the prompt requirements for that discussion specifically. It seems like something that you just developed for the prompt, without really understand or analyzing the prompt requirements. This is an essay that is trying to appear to be more intellectual than it really is. Which, in all honesty, it isn't. There is nothing in this essay that showcases a background discussion that is relevant to the reviewer. Most likely because you never developed a prompt statement for your opening statement discussion in the first place. The whole essay is useless. It doesn't do anything for your application. Try to develop your own prompt requirement based upon your background story first. Make sure that it shows a proper transition to adulthood. Then present your developed prompt and discuss.

Undergraduate / From the clunky weirdo with ADHD to a dedicated student and a fulfilled musician. [8]

Kacper, first of all, you have to stop saying "Bam!" in between paragraphs. It gets on the nerves of the reader. I know, you are trying to keep the drum theme going here but constantly shocking the reader is the best way to get the reviewer to decide you are a crazy person applying to their school. It will harm your application. So do it once, at the point where it might have the most impact. Don't do it all throughout the essay.

Next, address the elephant in the room. Why did your mother suggest that you try or start playing drums? Your mother's encouragement is vital to the discussion because without her suggestion, it doesn't seem logical that you would have ended up playing the drums, even with all the bullying you were experiencing. Point out the reasons why she felt that doing that activity would help you out. Then maybe, the essay will make more sense.

Undergraduate / Barnard supplement- possibly too obscure; questionable structure? too idolizing? [3]

Anna, there is no need for a blow by blow account of how you would spend a total of 60 minutes with the woman that you idolize. Instead, you should present that hour in a fluid essay discussion. With your questions represented and the possible responses and rebuttals you might be getting from here. Mostly because you already know everything to know about this person so it would be logical that you can relate the blow by blow account of the discussion in an interesting manner. BTW, there is a case of TMI in this essay. There is no need to tell the reviewer about your love life. That is an irrelevant part of the discussion that you are trying to present. Keep the discussion on an academic and professional level. The personal matters should not be involved here. It taints the hour long discussion that you are having with the person. Your discussion is not really idolizing nor obscure. It is a highly intellectual discussion actually and I enjoyed reading it.

Undergraduate / Barnard Supplements - my need to be in an empowering, tight knit community of ambitious women [3]

Anna, this essay sounds more like an outline draft than an actual response to the prompt. You must refrain from using parenthesis with additional information and most specially, avoid using "etc." in any given paragraph. That is a clear sign of lack of professional writing experience and a haphazard writing style. The writer is obviously not focused on truly developing the discussion provided because the short cut term for "and so on and so forth" is constantly used in the response. Admissions officers may view your response as rude and offensive because of it.

Do not discuss the city that Barnard is located in. That is clearly a prompt deviation because you are being requested to focus your essay response only on the university and the college of your choice. There is nothing in the prompt that allows you to discuss the location of the university and hence, it should not be mentioned in the essay at all. Focus on the prompt requirements alone. That shows a clear concentration on developing the proper response and also, an ability to follow given instructions. That ability, to do as you are told, is a very important character trait of a college student and should be reflected throughout all your essay discussions.

Undergraduate / A plethora of opportunities - NYU SUPPLEMENTAL ESSAY (WHY NYU?) [4]

Kamaljot, do your best to avoid the most common answers regarding why you would choose to study at NYU. That includes the excitement that the city the university is located in offers. Go beyond that. Based on what you have written, most of the information that you have is based upon research. Yet the information does not clearly relate to you. That clear connection does not come until the 3rd paragraph. Which is where you state your chosen major and how NYU can help you become better educated in that area. So why not build your essay upon that premise instead? That is a very strong and individualized line of reasoning that clearly shows why you would end up studying at NYU if given the chance. I would not mention that you want to become a physician someday though. That is a discussion deviation. Just focus on the English Lit and English major discussion since the validity of your response rests within that eye opening paragraph. Even the last paragraph is relevant and well developed for the idea of the prompt. So I would work on developing those 2 paragraphs instead when you revise your response.

Scholarship / The vital role of aid assistance. Draft essay for an Australian Award Scholarship [7]

Bona, you should not merely mention the two universities and then launch into a discussion about Australia's relevance to your education. If you review the prompt requirements, the information required is more related to the reasons as to why you chose to be considered for admission to the two universities that you have mentioned. So basically, this is a 2 paragraph essay in terms of the university choices. Each paragraph should thoroughly explain the specific reasons that you opted to pursue studies at each university. Make sure to highlight at least one unique aspect of each academic institution. You cannot choose them based on similar or the same reasons. Each university must stand out in your application form on its own merit. Right now, there is no differentiation between the two in the essay and that adversely affected the focus and relevance of your developed response.

Undergraduate / 'a very fitting school academically and socially for me' - Georgia Tech Supplemental Essay [3]

Jason, I believe that your essay is highly informative in terms of what attracts you to the university. The fact that you declared the title of your response as "Problem Based Learning" already speaks volumes about your reasons for applying for admission. If you can, please offer an example of how you used problem based learning in the past in order to better illustrate the reason as to why you believe that this teaching method is a good reason for your interest in Georgia Tech. This is a unique essay in the sense that your approach is not one that looks at the more common reasons for the "fit" with the university. Your discussion about how the balance of study and relaxing is represented in the university and your personality is also a good answer. It shows how serious you are about your studies, but that you also recognize the need to kick back and relax on campus at certain times.

Undergraduate / Operation: Duke Supplementary Essay For Trinity College of Arts & Sciences! [10]

Emily, you can totally remove the reference to Operation in the essay. Since you only have 150 words to express the reason why Duke is a perfect match for you, I suggest that you just get right to the point. I know, most advisers tell you to create a hook, an interesting opening to catch the reviewer's attention. That only works when you are looking at an essay of at least 250 words long. With 150, just get to the point already. The number of words that the essay requires is part of the testing system of the university. It says "Show me how well you can express yourself in as few words as possible." So by telling the reviewer just what he needs to know, provided you are over the minimum word requirement, then your essay will be as responsive as it can be and better stand a chance that the reviewer will actually finish reading your statement.

Undergraduate / Dual identity of Asian-American (Princeton Supplement) [10]

I applaud you for the developed discussion that you made in this essay. Your words are clear and strong. There is a definite understanding that you were not coming into the essay with a sense of embarrassment or disenchantment because of the difficulties you experiences growing up. The message that came across, that of a person who has learned to tread the border of two cultures in order to develop his own unique, inexplicable culture is the strength that makes this essay memorable. Believe me when I tell you that you need not change anything more in this essay. Provided that you are within the maximum word count requirement, you don't have any need to edit the content. Submit this essay as is and be confident in the fact that the essay delivers a notable message to the reviewer with regards to who you are. He will understand exactly who you are and why you are like that.

Scholarship / Lehigh university - My dream school and the best choice possible [5]

It is understood that with 145 characters you used to describe the visit should be enough to entice the reader. So your tweet works, but I feel like something is still missing. What is it? Oh! the hashtag! You forgot to develop a witty or memorable hashtag for your tweet that could help the school gain viral interest in the web. Remember, the hashtags make the tweet memorable and trending. So don't forget to develop a creative one for your tweet.

Your 3rd and 4th paragraphs can use some further development. The information is too general in presentation, which gives away the fact that you haven't visited the campus yet. So do some research and use the names of places, organizations, or activities of interest that would best embody the tweet that you sent out. You have to show a familiarity with the university. That is why this essay is all about.

Scholarship / The greatest leader is not necessarily the one who does the greatest things - Ronald Regan [3]

Mahmmoud, your essay needs to be better focused, not on your understanding and interpretation of the words of the great president Ronald Reagan, but rather, it should focus on the leadership qualities that you have, which came about when you were not expected to be a leader in the situation. All of the scenarios that you present show your leadership skills as you are expected to display them in a position of leadership. However, the quote, asks you how you can be a great leader when you cannot do anything great. Think of how you make small contributions to the community in the hopes of creating a better environment. Or how you strive to perform well in extra curricular activities because you want to make a difference in the world. Those unnoticed moments of leadership are the driving force behind the understanding of what Pres. Reagan said. That is how you should present the essay. Think about small contributions you have made that resulted in big differences in the lives of people your know or interact with.

Undergraduate / Rice Personal Perspective Essay- My dad's alcoholism [5]

Devin, the introduction to the day that you have int he first paragraph is totally unnecessary. That is because the focus of that paragraph was focused on setting up the scenario and your mother's reaction to it. You were totally out of the picture in that paragraph. If your importance to the situation cannot be represented in a paragraph then it doesn't serve a purpose in the essay. the second paragraph that starts with you finding your father in the driveway is, in my opinion, the best way to open the essay. The scenario set up is clear and the sentiments that you displayed were far more effective than anything you could have said in the first paragraph. Your word count will go down immensely if you remove the opening statement and just focus directly on your relationship with your father in relation to the prompt requirement.

Writing Feedback / Bill Gates finding about effective method of teaching [3]

Mohammad, I am not sure about how to review your essay. That is because you failed to provide the prompt requirement that accompanied the response that you wrote. Is this something that belong to an IELTS, TOEFL, or any other educational qualifying exam practice test? Or are you responding to a specific college application prompt? My response and advice to what you have written will depend upon the kind of purpose that this essay was written for. That, depends upon the prompt you have been given.

I feel like there is much more to Bill Gate's representation in the essay than what you have here at the moment. Is this supposed to be an article summary? If so, please provide the link. Your essay doesn't reflect the kind of discussion that your chosen title implied the reader would have learned if he had opted to read your essay from beginning to end. Please provide the additional information soon so that a more relevant review of your essay can be made.

Undergraduate / Harvard Supplemental - branching out from my academic comfortable zone [2]

Breonna, don't worry about the structure. The essay has a solid foundation that clearly shows a sense of logic and determination to succeed in order to assure yourself of a better chance at college admission. The discussion is logical and depicts the clear method by which you decided to leave your comfort zone. However, the end discussion as to how the class turned out for you turned out. I think that it would be best to deliver the information of how you did in that class in order to create a better foundation for academic diversity on your part. For example, you can indicate what kind of final grade you got in the class. The information about your final GPA will help to create a strong discussion in support of a student who sought academic diversity and accomplished his goal. It does not matter if the GPA is the highest in the class or not. What matters is that the GPA reflects the reason why this class is one of the most important in your life. It better supports your claim of success beyond your comfort zone.

Undergraduate / My struggling... culture shock? multicultural? Personal importance thing [7]

Shi, what you have discussed in this essay is a better fit for the prompt that dictates:

Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

Reviewing the content of your essay does not display a problem, research query, ethical dilemma, or some issue of personal importance that warranted the development of a solution. The narrative you have chosen portrays more a background story regarding your desire for a better education overseas. When an essay has been written with such emotion and relevance to the background of a person, I normally suggest that the essay be used in its original form, but in response to a different prompt. That way the hard work that you did on the essay is not wasted. I wonder if you would consider doing such a thing? If you opt to use the above prompt instead, you will have to write a totally new essay that is more relevant to the prompt requirements.