Writing Feedback / Some people want to be independent from their families as soon as possible and some other not [11]

Hi ramshah,
I don't say your way is incorrect. I suggest some other ways of presenting your ideas for you to understand another way of presenting them;


Living away from my parents helps me become more independent in making my own decisions. It also helps build my confidence while making me more mature.


For instance, I would be forced to manage the money I possess more efficiently by prioritizing my needs and requirements when it comes to spending.

Writing Feedback / When to start formal education for children? [4]

yep... you need to attend to the structure.



... I feel you should stress the fact that;
They view childhood as the only phase in lour lives that is free from responsibilities and other worries. Therefore they argue that adults should not deprive children of enjoying this unique period of their lives by burdening them with school related activities.

Writing Feedback / Whether the power of advertisement or the real need of people? [7]


... sounds better..


..This sentence is somewhat unclear to me..


...Hmmmm let's rephrase this shall we?
An advertisement creates a link between the buyer and the product by attracting the buyer to the product. This is done using creative images, logos and (please think of something because I'm all out..) that pleases the buyer.


..Incorrect grammar.. You can't use 'is' because 'disappeared' reflects the past tense..

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay: Should the government pay the tuition fees for students? [5]


This point may sound better like this..
First of all, there must be a limit to what the government should spend. ... This gives it a bit more life I believe..


I'm not quite sure whether I understand what you mean by this.. Are you trying to say that tutoring has become a full time job and that tuition fees has become the tutor's livelihood? If so I agree with your idea..

There is a problem however when it comes to which region of the world you are writing about.. When it comes to Asian countries (specially the sub continent..) almost every student goes for tuition and it's fairly cheap too.. But when you consider the western world tutors do not have as many students but they charge much more than Asian tutors do..


.. Good point.. Stress on how they would not like their money wasted...


.. Again, this does not apply to everywhere around the world.. But the point holds true for most regions..

Overall I think this is a good essay.. :D

Writing Feedback / International and traditional music should be treasured and respected equally. [6]

As others suggest above you need to attend to your essay structure. Let me comment on some thing else that I noticed in your essay;

... your reason here is that music is a great way to relieve stress and it's a great mood fixer.This is a good answer for "why do we need music?" However, in this paragraph you keep saying the same idea over and over again in different forms that makes the reader tired. So, limit your reason to one or two lines (max) and then support it with a good example.

Writing Feedback / Explain how the internet is being used successfully by students nowadays. [4]


... it should be students


.... you need to rephrase this sentence ...it's grammatically wrong;
People love to stay connected with their loved ones.


The Internet takes care of keeping connections alive by allowing people to communicate irrespective of geographical barriers.

Writing Feedback / "Only the academically able can be the elite of society." Do you agree? [4]


... well.... here you do not clearly present your reason for taking your position to the reader ... What is the reason? It is;
First, the history proves that every achiever did not have excellent academic credentials. ... this is your reason. Now support it with a proper example. Mr Mandela's case is not a good example because he is a learned man. He's been a lawyer although he came from a rural family (again his father was a tribal head) which did not have so much means. Find someone who did not have a proper formal education, but reached the heights of success.

Writing Feedback / Should children grow up in the countryside or in the city? [3]


First, pollution of all forms such as air, noise and water, do not affect the country side the way they do affect the city.



.... you keep talking about the negatives of pollution, but do not give a proper example for your primary reason that you cited. Your reason is that countryside is less polluted and city is more. So, give an example to show this contrast.

Writing Feedback / Should student's textbooks be replaced by notebook computers? [3]


.... nice start :)


We inevitably have used too much paper that has led to the increasing need of trees. This has resulted in many environmental issues.


You need to have an example to show that computers can be afforded by many.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Choosing the job that is similar to parents' jobs could benefit to one's career. [4]



... good point.... wish you changed the order a little bit;
First of all, when children choose the same career path as their parents, their parents can support them immensely with their experience, knowledge, industry-related information and contacts in the career field.

You write well... good structure too!

Writing Feedback / IELTS ; Is life easier with fewer languages? / Dying Languages [3]


In conclusion, I believe that having fewer languages would be more beneficial because they us help eliminate language barriers and reap the benefits of globalization at its best.


However, I also believe that it is important to take necessary steps to conserve the languages that struggle to survive because without them it is difficult to survive their cultures and traditions.

Writing Feedback / scientists researches; average weight of people is increasing, health decreasing [5]


.... you make a generalization by using the word "society". However, the prompt is specific to "certain countries". Actually, you cannot generalize this because there are countries like Ethiopia where many people still die of starvation and this may not be an issue for those countries. You need to be careful when you introduce the prompt to the reader. Tell it to them in its real sense, otherwise they would feel you are going out of topic.

Student Talk / Reading : 9.0 - Just got my IELTS result. [19]

Congrats!!!!!!!! When's the party ??... LOL

Writing Feedback / Teaching the Facts after students have studied concepts; CLEP English Composition [4]

I feel you need to improve your essay structure. Your body paragraphs are somewhat disorganized. I like the structure that dumi recommends for TOEFL and IELTS essays. This is it;

Introduction - Introduce your topic briefly but clearly. Then you express your opinion.
Body paragraphs - Right one reason in each body paragraph to tell the reader why you hold that opinion. Then support that reason with an example

Conclusion - Sum up what you discussed in a concluding manner and reinstate your opinion
Hope this is helpful .

Writing Feedback / Unbalanced approach, does not hold true in all situation - Praise positive actions, ignore negative [4]

Is this for IELTS or TOEFL? What's your prompt?


.... I feel you better keep the latter part in a less serious mode :D
Ignorance is acceptable as long as the wrong actions do not affect other person's life, but it is certainly not if such actions are harmful to other people.

You can write well ... Only you pay attention to the essay structure as dumi suggests!

Writing Feedback / The Effects of Using Cell phone in school [12]


.... it's the students who use the phone that get distracted, not the class. Express your ideas more direct and do not repeat the same idea in sentences;

In the classroom, cell phones distract students from concentrating on their lessons. This is a serious issue because when students miss out some important parts of a lesson, they may not be able to understand the full context of it. Finally they would end up with low grades or failure at the examinations.

Writing Feedback / Traditional Foods Vs International Fast- Foods; Discuss [5]


... how? .... you need to tell the reader how this happens. Tell that they are low in nutrient value, high in carbs etc.etc.


.... what sort of illnesses? Why don't talk about obesity which is the main issue that many people who consume fast foods are faced with?

You need to pay lots of attention to your essay structure as well as grammar. Do more practicing and post your essays here. You can improve a lot with practice :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Relationship of Personal Happiness and Economic Success [7]


On the other hand, happiness is an emotional state which differs from individual to individual.


... Hey.... this sentence is way too long! Split it to a few and make your idea more clear to the reader.


In conclusion, it seems to me that personal happiness differs from person to person.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2:HOME-COOKED VS BUYING FOODS - which is better? [13]


I strongly agree with both statements.



.... wish you expressed this more direct;
Initially, one need time to know and buy the essential ingredients.


I agree with Dumi... this is excellent writing and you will surely have a great score :) Wish to join the party when you get your scores! :D

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay Money is the best way to motivate people [10]


.... why do you say money is an effortless motivator.... The employer may have to put lots of effort to give bonuses to his staff :D .... So, it's good if you present this the other way round;

To begin with, money is one of the best and the most effective motivators.


In most instances, the value employees place for money is much higher than the praises or gratitude expressed by their employer.


.... I think you better take off this sentence and straight go to the next line. This sentence sounds confusing.

Writing Feedback / Describe a museum in Iraq [7]


First of all, you should have included the essay prompt with the essay. Then we exactly know what it expects from you. Since your topic is too short, it gives the impression that you need to describe what museum is and that may be the reason for dumi's comment.

What's your essay prompt?

Writing Feedback / Children's work at a early age - beneficial or a threat ? [3]


.... don't open your essay with sentences like these. Try to introduce your topic with more meaningful sentences. Leave this sentence out and start with the second one. That makes more sense;


... Reduce its length and split it to two sentences;
Some people believe that young children are benefited by starting to work at an early age. They claim that children would learn the value of money as well as they would become more disciplined if they start working young.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay "There is too much violence in movies" [5]


... actually, it's not that films are brutal but they contain scenes of brutal events. Better you rephrase this sentence.


... the first part is fine, but the second part drops :(
First of all, "cinematographic violence" can have very harmful effects on young minds and may negatively influence on how they perceive the world.

Writing Feedback / People do many different things to stay healthy. 'not skip our breakfast' [6]


... ok... what's the connection between lifestyle+technology with busy schedules + health care? You need to link the two sentence more effectively. Otherwise the first sentence would sound irrelevant.

Nowadays, people lead very busy lives and even do not find time to take care of their own health. ... this sentence does not include out of the topic stuff, but it has more relevance to your topic.

Hope you got my point!

Writing Feedback / IELTS T2: In what ways has technology affected the types of relationship people make? [5]


On the other hand, technology can impact negatively on relationships between people.


The rapid growth of online social networks have influenced people to depend on devices for maintaining relationships via online chatting. This has disturbed physical interactions between people.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay-Movies should present positive values. Y or N ? [7]


.... people to have some relaxation / people to relax after tiresome day


.... you need to connect this idea with the previous one.


.... write in present tense because these things recurrently happen


First, some movies and television program have a profound influence on youngsters.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Food is now easier to prepare than ever; Specific reasons & examples [7]


... change the order and see the effect;
People of all ages are trying to balance their work and personal activities. No one can deny that the microwave oven helps save time on food preparation. .... I think this is a more logical flow!


... I feel this sentence is relevant and you should go to the next without this.


With microwave oven, family members can spend more time in the living room together.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2:Shopping as a replacement of hobbies and other leisure activities. [7]


... your idea is not properly expressed.
The way people perceived shopping in earlier days had taken a dramatic change over time. In previous eras, people used to shop mainly for food and clothing in view of having enough stocks for consumption during the dry seasons.


Nowadays, it is perceived as a relaxing experience and some even feel it as a fashion.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay about value life experience [6]


... "I mean" sounds too informal. It is heavily used in speaking, but not in writing. So avoid, that phrase and have something like " In other words", "This means that "


In other words, hardships enable us to find a way out no matter how complicated it is.

Graduate / As a life time student athlete I was devastated; CASPA narrative for PA school [11]


.... I'm a bit confused with this. Is this the point that you took the decision of pursuing a career of a PA? If so, you need to tell it rephrase this;

This had been the point that I was confronted with making a choice between entering the WNBA draft or becoming a PA. Both my heart and brain voted for PA and I began to apply to PA school.


You nicely describe how your passion was conceived and developed. Good job and wish you good luck !

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Do you like comfortable living or large amount of money? [4]


.... by changing the order, you can improve its flow and align your writing better with your topic;
When you are doing financially well, you can enjoy a quality living; you can live in a house, educate your children in most prestigious colleges, spend your vacations in expensive holiday destinations etc.

In this essay, you do not discuss about making a choice between the two, i.e. money or comfort. You talk about the benefits of having money and having comfort. However, you need to contrast the two and that's what expected by your prompt.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2:things learned by children from watching tv and movies [9]


.... relate this idea to your topic;
One of the main complains against TV is that children tend to adopt violent behaviors by watching TV shows that contain such scenes.


... good example ... but be careful that you do not run out of time for the task. If you can manage time well , then it's fine. Otherwise avoid lengthy explanations.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: solve growing traffic and pollution problems - people's awareness [5]


These problems can be solved by promoting people to use public transportation instead of using their private vehicles.
it should be "public transportation" .
One reason for one body paragraph is enough.
You write very well... Wish you good luck! :)

Writing Feedback / Parents have numerous influences to teach us what to do [6]


...you can present this idea more strongly;
Secondly, the parents do not leave us when we are in trouble and they are prepared to share everything they possess with children in hope of making a better future for children.

However, the rest of the stuff you've written in the paragraph have no relevance to what you say above :(
In your body paragraphs, you need to come up with valid reasons that can justify your position on the argument. Then you should back them up with good examples. That's is a requirement for this task.

Writing Feedback / GRE - ISSUE ESSAY; Do we need ceremonies & rituals to define ourselves? [4]

Hi ptejas40,
I think you need to improve a lot for this task. This task is meant to assess your ability to think critically about an issue of general interest and present your views about it clearly in writing. So you've got to display this skill if you aim for a good score. Visit the following site for more help;

ets.org/gre/revised_general/prepare/analytical_writing/issue

Also, this scoring guide would be helpful for you as to understand how you would be evaluated at the exam;
ets.org/gre/revised_general/prepare/analytical_writing/issue/ scoring_guide

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; High paid insecure jobs VS low paid secure jobs - Which option is better? [6]


... this is what others do.... what is your opinion about them? what type of job you prefer? You need to state your position regarding the statement.


"highly educated"


Considering the above reasons, I disagree with the statement ....

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Do you agree to making unpaid community service compulsory in schools? [3]

Dumi has discussed about the content of your essay. Let me talk about some grammar issues;



... To be specific is the correct form. (to specify / to be specific)


... it should be "reputed universities" or "universities with good reputation"


To be more specific, getting admission to a highly reputed university is the dream of many students who are looking forward to a bright future.

Writing Feedback / IELTS ; Job satisfaction and individual well being / What factors& How realistic ? [5]


.... you have answered this well, but;


... this part is not adequately answered.
Let's take your paragraph -


... this tells that salary is the biggest concern for many people to be satisfied with their job. So now you need to discuss how realistic is the expectation of this factor for various workers. Although you say that young workers pay too much attention on this factor, you also need to discuss how realistic their expectations are.

Undergraduate / essay- family influence An college application essay [5]


.... :D
... You are indirectly saying that you are a great person :D


these things you can express more creatively;
I remember how my father used to discuss many cutting-edge biology issues with me.


Also my parents always help build my confidence in taking up the challenges in life.

Writing Feedback / Nations should pass laws in order to preserve nature; GRE/ Analyze an issue [6]


... Ok, then tell the reason.... in my view, your reason is not the existence of rare and nearly extinct species. It is the imbalance of eco system that can be caused by these activities.


.... again, this does not sound a strong argument. The problem here is that your reasons are not expressed direct. They are there in your writing, but hidden. In this para, I believe the reason is -


.... in other words, the harm they can do to the nature and the environment.
Just give some thought to what I have mentioned!