Writing Feedback / IELTS Task II : Accepting Change Vs Resisting Change [5]


... this sentence does not deliver any meaningful idea to the reader :( What astonish people? I don't find anything you get to be astonished about this :(

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : Using electronic calculators in school [7]


... without the latter part it makes a very good hook :)
This is my suggestion;
Nowadays, technology is used by people not only in the workplace but also in the schools as well. Usage of electronic calculators to perform arithmetic in schools is a fine example for this trend.




This line does not add any value to your essay. You better conclude your intro with a statement expressing your opinion. However, you still can discuss both views in your body paras.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Fitness betwen 1970 to 2000; 'Since 1970 men became higher membership' [3]

The bar chart describesillustrates the details of fitness membership of fitness between men and women over thirty years, from 1970 to 2000.


This is not a good overview. How did it fluctuate? Or what was your major observation?
Overall, the fitness membership of males have recorded a major fluctuations compared to the membership of females during the period under review.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Electronic calculators should not be allowed in school [3]

Japanese students who become the winner in World Mathematic Olympiad have been educated to improve their arithmetic skill from early age without using a tool.


These are more or less examples which the reader would not be interested in knowing in your introduction. Your first job in the intro is to introduce your topic to the reader.

Writing Feedback / Experience = wisdom; the book is a transport - it get us through knowledge to the next generation. [4]

I moved this thread from Grammar Usage forum to Writing Feedback forum as it is the most appropriate forum for this essay. Please note that point when you open your new threads. Also, include the purpose of your writing in the title so that others can provide you with more meaningful comments.


This sentence has many issues. First, the grammar errors. Then, the clarity of your ideas. Do not write complex sentence with many advance words if they destroy the clarity of your ideas. What is more important is that the reader should be able to understand what you say easily.

"people is" - this is wrong because "people" is plural word meaning a collection of men or women.

Writing Feedback / distance-learning versus attending college or university [5]


... your opinion should be more focused on whether distance learning brings same benefits of attending college or university or not. So, keep your scope only to that when expressing your view. The reason is that education is not only about acquiring knowledge or skills. It is about everything that helps shapes one's character and future.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Some people believe that competitive sports have no place in the school curriculum. [6]

Good introduction. The only missing feature is your hook because you straight away start with paraphrasing your prompt to introduce it. However, it has not done any harm and I still feel this is a very good intro :)


Yes, that would be better. For this task, it is good to have one reason per body para. It also helps you manage time effectively. Time is also an important factor that you need to consider when performing this task.

Writing Feedback / Have children or not - Decision; 'Fatherhood should not be ignored' [5]

Yes, you need to improve a lot on your essay structure. Also, it is better if you include the purpose of your writing in the title itself. So that we can align our comments more with your task requirements. If this is for IELTS or TOEFL practicing, your essay needed to be a bit more expanded to meet the required word count.

Writing Feedback / Advertisement encourages customers to buy the products and to increase high income for company [4]


Very good hook :)
Having said and done, it makes people to purchase many products which are notnotablethey may not really require at the time of purchasingin daily life.


This is too vague. It is nicer if you concluded your introduction with a clear statement that describes your opinion.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay: Some people prefer to take a position in a company and work for the company. [5]


.... I find some abrupt phrases in your writing. They are a bit awkward and damage your flow. Also, it is better if you conclude your introduction with a clear statement that expresses your opinion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: A Letter to a friend in an English speaking country [8]


.... sounds too slang. Avoid such phrases and keep your writing in line with a more professional approach though your letter can take more informal tone.


What would be the weather like during that period? Would you recommend me to bring some warm cloths? Please let me know the things that you feel that I should bring along with me for my stay there. Also, I would love to bring some thing for you from my country. Please let me know what would you like me to bring for you. We have very good leather products and garments. Is there any particular item you'd like me to bring for you?

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: Need help to find out appropriate introductions [7]


Well, you need to be more firm with grammar. You tend to make mistakes and therefore do not construct complex sentences. Instead write more simple lines that can deliver your idea clearly with correct grammar.

Also about the hook, this is what I just suggested another member and I am repeating the same with relevance to your essay;
"Ok, let me tell you a few things about writing a good hook. First read your prompt very carefully and understand the main point. Here in this essay it is that "influence of advertising on people's buying decisions". So make an interesting sentence that comes before your main point. It should be related to your question and draw your reader into the essay. Let's give a try for this;

Advertising is a heavily used marketing tool by companies to influence consumers to buy their products.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: the benefits of technologies mobility outweigh the disadvantage [5]


Ok, let me tell you a few things about writing a good hook. First read your prompt very carefully and understand the main point. Here in this essay it is that "working online". So make an interesting sentence that comes before your main point. It should be related to your question and draw your reader into the essay. Let's give a try for this;

With rapid advancement of technology, working online has become a very popular option among working people.

Undergraduate / I hated the thought of having to get up every morning; central to your identity. [5]


As she sees my sleepy face, she starts accusing me for staying late in the night.


.... interesting way to start your day :D


... Why did you bring in Peru there? What's the significance?


Well, you talked about your mom grumbling about you staying late in the night. So, did it happen before you were 4 years? That's a bit difficult to understand and you may not be able to convince your reader on that :(

Scholarship / Society of Physics Students; extracurricular activities [4]


... This is a very confusing sentence. You have to rephrase this as it does not convey any clear idea :(


... this one too is pretty confusing :(
My suggestion is to start with your participation in that club. Other facts (which you have not properly expressed) seem to be irrelevant for this question. Concentrate more on your role in that club and telling them that experience. What role you played there, what experience you gained and what you learned out of it.

Letters / Cover Letter for Job Application (guide me for Incorporation of modification) [4]


... remove the latter part. Then it reads better;
In response to your advertisement regarding the ?????? position, I submit herewith my resume along with the covering letter and the names and details of the referees for your kind consideration.


I am a young and dedicated professional i with profound work experience in social development and research field.
If this is your covering letter, you need to cut down a lot on the details of your track record. As Pahan mentioned in his comment, covering letter is generally used to introduce yourself very briefly. Your resume is the one that speaks of your credentials and experience.

Scholarship / Essay about experiences with people with different beliefs from yours [2]

I lived on the east side of town and the school was distantfar from my house.


... the latter part really doesn't go well with the first part.


The new environment began to provide me with opportunities to make friends with students of diverse backgrounds and beliefs.


One friend in particular had very opposed views from mine, but she opened up my world to accommodate new ideas

Undergraduate / Statement of Purpose -- why KAIST? "to face AFTA 2015." [3]

It is a question that always crosses my mind every once a whiletimeas I am spending my time asI sit with a 12th year high school student.

The majoritiesmajority of my friends aregoing towould want to attend local universities in my country and have been planning strategies carefully hoping for chance to be in.working seriously to secure their admission.

Undergraduate / Gaming World"; University of Michigan - Community/ Unique qualities [2]

I've developed friendships which have lasted several years and still continue todayto date.


You've presented this nicely. However, I like if you gave a little bit more emphasis on your place in that community. How you are received by other members? Are they dependent on you? Do they value your contribution? You attempt to touch on this aspect in the second para, but more than telling them the technical stuff, touch on the human side of it.

Undergraduate / Fighting a fire in a street market (Groupwork Experience) [3]

It was a hot summer'ssummer day in Dhaka.


My friend hurried to inform the fire brigade while I attended to calm down an elderly lady who was in shock.


I like if you elaborated more on what you learned. If you have a word constraint, you can cut down on the details of the scene.

Writing Feedback / Adult decide to study because of interest in subject/max% cost shared by himself [8]

In the Message block you will find the feature "Attach file(s)". Click on that and you would be asked to upload your image by choosing the path. Your image should be either JPG/GIF/PNG images and should not exceed 200 KB each.

Undergraduate / Nursing Admissions Essay-How will becoming a nurse help you to make a difference in lives? [4]


As a nurse, I would have an opportunity to support my patients not only with their physical recovery, but also in their mental and emotional needs.


I don't understand why you included this line. What's the purpose? I cannot find a direct link between this and the next one :(


Well, I find there's some repetition of ideas in your response. It's pretty much the same ideas you say again and again. Better arrange your flow. You can also tell them that your nursing experience may help you brighten the lives of your loved ones too.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: the sleep patterns of people in five different occupations [13]


Yes, this is a good response. You can become a contributor once you finish your exam. Write to us if you are interested. You can do this in the EF Contributors page (@ the bottom)

link - essayforum.com/contributors/
To write to us: essayforum.com/contact/
You can help many others with your experience and knowledge :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: the sleep patterns of people in five different occupations [13]


Ok, let me take some serious look at your body paras. (You are correct, I generally stop with intro and overview because I am supposed to attend lots of threads and struggle with time for that :D )


You say the doctors were deprived of sleep. I wish you didn't use the word "deprive" because it sounds like your own conclusion. The graph doesn't exactly say whether they were deprived of sleep or they didn't sleep by their own choice. Also, you need to enhance clarity of the above line. It gets the reader to keep memorizing so much details. Shorten your sentences to enhance their effects.

These comments are aimed at providing you some insights for further improvement. You write very well already :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest in Brooklyn's Coney Island, USA [6]


Well, in my view, the Overview is an outline of the main and most obvious trends and it doesn't go into details. Us winning the contest 20 times is not an obvious observation at a glance unless you counted the number times it won. So, for me, there you have gone into a little bit of detail. However, that's my personal view and approach for this particular task. Overall, I think you write very well and really need not to worry about this task. I am sorry if my comments did upset your confidence. I think you are ready for this task now. Good luck!

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest in Brooklyn's Coney Island, USA [6]


This is your overview statement and there you should not have any specific data. It is just to discuss the main trends.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: A Letter to a friend in an English speaking country [8]


.... since this is an informal letter you enjoy lots of freedom in presenting your ideas. However, it is better you don't be too slang :D

I hope you are doing fine.
I am writing to inform youask a few things about my planned trip to your come and stay to your place.


.... This sounds a bit repetitive :(
This is what I suggest;
Hello Anya,
Hope everything is fine with you. The days are getting closer for my visit to your beautiful country. Actually, I write this letter to ask you a few things that I need to be more clear about.

Writing Feedback / Need evaluation on my 4 latest essays from Writing Task [6]

Hey.... this is not a good thing to do. Have separate threads for each and every essay of yours. That is the forum rule too and that's the best way for you to earn more comments from others. This is pretty confusing for us to give you comments. You are still not too late to do that. I wish you open fresh threads and copy paste your 2nd and 3rd essays.

Scholarship / Essay for Financial Need ; University of Arizona [2]

Ok, you take the financial issues first and then you talk about your passion for furthering studies. I feel it is better you change the order. Tell them how keen you are to pursue your studies and make them feel that you are a deserving case. Then start talking about he obstacles, mainly financial constraints.

Writing Feedback / Adult decide to study because of interest in subject/max% cost shared by himself [8]

There are a few things that you need to attend to. First, you should have opened this thread in the Writing Feedback forum. Second, you should have mentioned the purpose (IELTS, TOEFL, GRE etc.) in the title itself so that other would provide you with more task related comments. Third, it is important that you upload the chart using the "Attach file(s)" feature in the message block. Please do it now because it is difficult to provide you with meaningful feedbacks without seeing your graph.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: the sleep patterns of people in five different occupations [13]

It's nicer if you mentioned those few mistakes and helped eddies to correct them :)


....Give more emphasis to the chart;
The chart presents the findings of a Canadian study about sleep patterns of people in five different jobs.


Excellent overview :)
You follow a very good approach for this task. Overall this is a very good attempt. Wish you good luck with IELTS :)

Undergraduate / My friend was diagnosed with Leukemia; UBC- Experience / Activity [4]


I rushed to the hospital to see him as I heard the bad news.


.... I feel some of these parts are not really contributing much for your essay.
My efforts to comfort Shao and his family were just in vain. Their faces spoke nothing but hopelessness. For the first time in life I began to feel the fear of death.

Undergraduate / I will do everything I can to fully maximize my university experience; Queens PS [4]


I would also explore the opportunities for international exposure like exchange or volunteering abroad.


Being a lover of exploring and experiencing new cultures, I am sure such experiences would add lots of value to my campus life.


....no need to repeat "during my time at Queens" too often. It's implied :)

Undergraduate / I had just moved to Canada a few weeks ago; How you overcame a challenge... [5]

Well, I may not be the best person to do that and hope someone else would help you rate this. I guess this is for college admission, isn't it? So, why are you keen on being rated?

About your essay, I think you should group your ideas and have a few paragraphs rather than just a bunch of detached lines.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Increasing fuel price is best way to solve traffic.agree or disagree? [5]


That's why I said to pay only a little more attention :D Lol :D
Ok, let's take your first body para;


Here, what you should have done was to give the reasons to justify your position and then backed them with specific examples. (Generally I recommend one reason per para, but for this essay it is ok to have a couple of reasons in this para and then move into the other to talk about the measures.) Those are the little improvements I just mentioned :)

You write pretty good :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: Need help to find out appropriate introductions [7]


This hook has too many ideas cramped up together. It would have been more interesting had you made that sentence shorter.


Well, this is a too obvious and well known fact and you do not really have to talk about researchers. You open your essay with this sentence and therefore you need to say something more meaningful to impress your reader.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Introductions; Need correction only for introduction. [5]


This sounds better if you had presented them in couple of sentences. The second part should come in a new sentence.


customer's - one customer
customers' - many customers
Also, "eager" is not an appropriate word to use for this idea. This is the danger of trying to use synonyms. Eager means " strongly wanting to do or have something" or a keen desire, but this word is used in different situations like;

I am eager to pursue a career in medicine/ I am eagerly waiting to meet you
For this scenario, you can use the words like "wants/ needs/ requirements"

Writing Feedback / IELTS: women's work / historic buildings / equal numbers of male and female students [2]


Well, this hook is not so relevant to your topic. Also the phrase " human right is the same with others" is not specific enough to convey your idea. I feel this is not a strong hook.


... you have grammar issues here.
It sounds as if ancient century built historical buildings.


... don't lengthen your sentences unnecessarily. That disturbs your flow of ideas.
Every person has the same right to receive proper education irrespective of any gender discrimination.

Undergraduate / I irritated everyone around me; UC - world you come from [3]


Ok, you take a good entrance. However, the last sentence about is somewhat contradictory. This confusion occurs due to your phrases "Growing up" and "As I grew". I feel it's better you attend to that.


Well, you need to connect how your world influenced you to develop this character. It's not properly conveyed.

Graduate / Motivational letter - Cognitive and Molecular Neuroscience [4]


My thesis focuses on changes in key components of the regulated secretory pathway in Alzheimer's disease, and I am particularly interested in changes in protein expression in both astrocytes and neurons.

and I believe that my research interests fit very well inwith those of your group