Scholarship / A leader. A simple word that holds a power on its own. Leadership - Chevening 2017/2018 [4]

Yes, I believe that you can remove the first paragraph without affecting the overall essay concept. I tried to read your essay without the first paragraph and I found that, if you would like to, you can also remove the second paragraph. However, since the last line about your personal definition of leadership is something that I found quite interesting, I would like to have you use it in a transition sort of way so that it could introduce your next paragraph in an interesting manner. Somehow, it connects to the paragraph. I believe that you should also find a way to explain that trust and respect in your group translated into an influencing skill on your part. I believe that you can do that if you would be able to present an inspiring and influencing event that happened within your team while you were helping them deal with the crisis.

Undergraduate / Career oriented experience. The influence of my father drove me to create an online store on Taobao [6]

The narrative is fine as far as I can tell. the parallelism in the story is something that should be clarified a bit more though. By telling two stories within one essay, you should be able to find some common ground between your father's story and your own that will highlight the way that the two stories mirror each other. That way the background story will have a more solid foundation in the eyes of the reader who may question what the connection is between the background of your father and your own. While there is a disconnection at this point,the essay itself is not affected and your reflections are clear. In my opinion, you have done quite well in that reflection part. You may want to do a bit more work on it as you revise your essay. I know that it can only get better with more revisions done to it.

Scholarship / At the core of my career aspirations, is the desire to do something meaningful for my country [2]

Curtin, you have managed to seamlessly incorporate the vested interests of the UK in your country within your essay. It was done in such an innovative manner on your part that it almost did not seem like you were creating the connection between your post study plans and the interests of the UK in your country. Excellent work! Just one small critique though. I wish that you had indicated a desire to work for the British firm in your country instead of implying that you would work for a nameless company. Sometimes, referring to a British company when applying for a UK based scholarship creates an edge for you as an applicant because it becomes obvious that you are very familiar with the kind of help that the UK government can offer our country upon your completion of the course. More importantly, you are willing to help promote the mutual interests of the two countries in your line of work.

Scholarship / A leader. A simple word that holds a power on its own. Leadership - Chevening 2017/2018 [4]

Nadia, there is too much prologue going on in your essay. You have spent way too much time setting up the backgrounder for your essay that it took over the focus of the essay. You need to figure out how much of the information that you placed in the introduction regarding your definition and understanding of leadership and influence you can remove. I sincerely doubt that lessening that part will have any effect on your essay. In fact, reducing the coverage of that particular section should help to better focus the essay on your participation in leadership and influencing activities. By the way, the quote from Woodrow Wilson should not be placed at the end of the essay. Quotes are normally placed in a place of honor at the start of the essay. If you can't find a way to place the quote at the top, then maybe it would be best not to use it at all in your essay.

Scholarship / Renewable Energy is not only to fight climate change but also to create more jobs - Chevening career [4]

Moaz cut out the ten year plan. A ten year plan requires even higher studies to be completed on your part. Just speak of your immediate goals, covering a five year period. that is usually sufficient enough for an immediate post study career plan. Your essay also need not be as detailed as it is at this point. Just present an overview of your plans, you don't need to get into the nitty gritty of how you will implement your plans. Just that you have those plans in mind once it becomes feasible for you to act upon them. Lessen the description of DAL as a corporation at this point. It is sufficient to know that you are working with them and that you plan to involve the company in your projects. You spent so much time discussing DAL that the essay lost some focus when it came to your career goals. You almost weren't able to bring the reader back to the point of your essay because of it.

Scholarship / the idea of a solitary 'hero' leader reinstated with an engaging leadership - Chevening Skills Essay [5]

I agree that you should develop a proper concluding paragraph for your essay. Once you read the revised essay, you will find that the last paragraph seems to be oddly placed. It seems open ended and requires something additional to be written in order to provide it with closure. I suggest that you deliver a message about how your experience has helped you develop a clear idea of the kind of leader you wish to be and the kind of influence you wish to exert upon people within your circle. That way you close the essay on a note that tells the reviewer that although you already have leadership and influencing people, you know that you still have room to grow in that aspect and you are more than happy to allow yourself to grow int he mold of a Chevening leader and influencer. Or something to that effect.

Graduate / 'to be an urbanist' - An application for graduate programme; looking forward to your advice [4]

Huang, I am not sure if you are writing a personal statement or a statement of purpose. It is important that you classify the type of essay that you are trying to develop so that I can advice and guide the development of your essay properly. You see, a personal statement has a different set of requirements from a statement of purpose. While the content may sound similar, the target readers are different. So I need to know which audience we are developing this essay for. Otherwise, we could misdirect the content of the essay, which would be detrimental to your application. In general though, the essay is quite informative. In fact, it may be deemed informative to a fault. At the moment, I cannot decide which parts to keep and omit because I am not sure about the direction the paper has to take. Kindly clarify the type of paper you are writing as soon as you can so that I can offer you a specific set of reviews and instructions for your work.

Scholarship / 'I developed strong interest' - I chose three universities that have courses which match my interest [12]

I don't see any more reason to remove anything else from the essay at this point. In fact, we are bordering on too much information at this point. However, since you believe that this new paragraph that you developed is important to the essay, then you should go with it. Otherwise, the original essay as we edited it was already good enough to use. Just make sure to clarify that you went home to your home country a year ago. Just in case the reviewer wonders about your statement.

I guess you might say that you are just hedging your bets by adding more information to the essay. So stop worrying about it. You have done your best, the rest, is up to the reviewer's impression of you on paper. There is nothing more we can do at this point except to submit the essay and wait for the results. I know that your essay will be given the proper consideration it deserves.

Scholarship / My immediate plan is to be one of the company's human resource management soul person [2]

Choyhar, kindly make a connection, if possible, between your choice of majors and the programs that the UK promotes in your country. That is a specific requirement of this essay prompt that should be read either in the beginning or the end of your essay. That is an important, but missing element, in your essay. Without it, the reviewer may render your application essay for this particular prompt incomplete. Thus causing a negative effect on your application. The overall presentation is sufficient enough. It breaks down your career improvement over the years in a different manner which may be appreciated by the reader. Your content is strong and has a razor focus on your future career path. That will not go unnoticed and you will definitely be presenting a highly informative essay to the reviewer. So, if you will just add the information about the UK relation to your career or studies, the essay should be good for submission.

Undergraduate / Career oriented experience. The influence of my father drove me to create an online store on Taobao [6]

Angelica, I understand that you meant that stand alone sentence to be your hook that would interest the reviewer in reading your essay. It just doesn't work. Usually, the hook should be a phrase, quote, or memorable dialogue that would strike the reviewer as unique and thus, excite him to read your essay. Simply asking your dad to go to sleep earlier doesn't accomplish that. Not only does it not act as an effective hook, it had no relation to the rest of the essay that you wrote. Normally, a hook has to circle around at the end to help close the story either by repeating it or, explaining the relevance of the dialogue as you finally came to understand it. The essay is really good, I don't believe that you need that hook anymore. Just start with the parallelism between you and your father instead. That is more interesting to read about.

Scholarship / Influencing is a necessary skill for anyone in business, Chevening.........leadership question [4]

Malek, concentrate on presenting your 2 most impressive leadership and influencing skills to the reviewer. You don't have to represent all of the work you have been doing over the past 13 years. Not all of the events that you shared were impressive in terms of leadership skills or qualifications. Just be sure to choose the 2 most important leadership examples that you have. If I were to choose the examples for you, I would opt for (1) your work as a sales supervisor. Supervisory roles automatically call for both leadership and influencing actions so you should build on that work experience. Then (2) further expand your role as at the COSHEP. As I reviewed that part, it was quite clear that you are in another position of leadership and influence. Narrowing down the discussion of your experience will allow the reviewer to immediately notice and note your skills in this field. Once you complete the narrowed down essay, I am sure you can use it already.

Scholarship / Realizing my dream of creating the first arts management company in Algeria and the region [4]

Malik, you don't always have to include a ten year plan in the presentation of your post study plans. The ten year plan is a long term career goal that may require you to undergo further higher studies (e.g. a doctorate) and may be omitted in the post study plans this time around. A 5 year plan is comprehensive enough to show a connected career path upon your graduation. In reference to the chronological order of your plans, you can present the easiest to accomplish plan, or your immediate plans, at the start of the essay then work your way to the 5 year plan. Closing the essay on a strong note regarding your vision for your country. The essay is strong enough to merit submission at this point. Don't add any more information at this point. Don't remove anything other than what I pointed out. After that, your essay is all set to submit.

Scholarship / Chevening scholarship - the next step to be a leader in the field of clinical oncology [9]

I am sorry but you cannot use this essay for the leadership prompt. You are not supposed to discuss people who inspired you to become a doctor or become a leader. You have to discuss YOUR leadership experience. Be it in a formal or informal setting. You can use your civic duties as an example of leadership and influencing if you cannot offer anything in terms of professional experience. Chevening is a highly competitive scholarship grant that cannot be won or competed in by people who cannot embody the Chevening criteria. I do not know how else I can help you. You are the one who has to provide an example of leadership and influencing abilities on your end. Please, try to think long and hard about this. You have to come up with some sort of situation where you portrayed a leadership role. If you can't then you should not try to apply for a scholarship in this cycle. Try to develop your credentials in relation to the prompt requirements that you now know about and then apply for the scholarship in the next cycle. That is the most help and advice I can give you now.

Scholarship / I can complete the proposed courses successfully Management & Implementation of Development Projects [4]

Your second paragraph that discusses the corruption and destitution in Pakistan needs a transition paragraph before you start discussing the course that you opt to study in relation to the previously presented premise. While I was reading that paragraph, I felt lost when it went suddenly from the discussion of our country to a sudden reference to the benefits you plan to gain from the course. Aside from that, since this is a study in the UK essay, you are expected to present some sort of connection between your plans and the projects that the UK are implementing in your country. That is an expected discussion as per the prompt requirements so you have to be sure to represent that in some way within your discussion.

Graduate / "You will either step forward into growth or you will step back into safety" - SOP for MS in VSLI [4]

Ming, your SOP is filled with too much academic information. Don't you have any professional or internship experiences that you can present to the reviewer in order to draw a balanced point of view regarding the development of your interest in the program? While I can understand how you have taken advantage of the educational opportunities your country decided to offer you, unless you can present an accurate representation of real time application of your potential education, I don't see how this essay can be considered effective. There is no clear relationship with your potential future career path in relation to your masters degree interests. It would be best if you revised the essay to reflect a professional relationship with your decision to study this course. Since this is a purpose statement, you should also try to present a short term (at least) career plan that will support the need for higher education in this field.

Writing Feedback / Giving the Internet Away: Research Proposal [2]

Ashley, I appreciate your interest in doing research regarding the ICANN controversy that concerns all of us who use the internet. However, I am not sure that your thesis statement is clearly represented in the opening statement. Why should be review both sides of the issue regarding control of ICANN? Can you narrow down the thesis statement for the reader? It seems like you are trying to discuss a very wide topic in this essay. So narrowing it down to a specific question or discussion will be essential in keeping the information you present relevant to the research. Now, with regards to the sources that you are presenting in the paper, I do not really see a proper in-text reference for the data. Keep in mind that when you do not properly cite your references within the text, you will be performing an act of plagiarism, which could ring an alert should the professor decide to run this essay through a plagiarism checker. Make sure you use the correct citing format in your essay in order to avoid that potential problem. I have no problem with the information you present in the essay though. It is informative. I am just not sure if it is informing, as a reader, in the right way.

Scholarship / Obtaining a master's degree from Leeds University will horn my research expertise - Chevening essay [2]

Okoye, you have to breakdown your course and university choices into bullet points. Each section will discuss the university, the course you have chosen to study, and your previous experience with regards to academics or professional interests. After presenting those information, you should wrap up the presentation with a connection, of that course, with your future career plans. While I realize that there is a specific essay for your career plans, that essay assumes your post study career plans, in terms of a single course. This presentation, will be a 'just in case' you don't end up in your first choice course. Just present a relationship between your course and your potential for a better career. When you discuss the organization that the the UK established in Nigeria, don't forget to present your ideas as to how you can contribute to the organization upon your graduation. It is important to show that you will be able to help promote the interests of the UK in terms of the betterment of your nation.

Writing Feedback / The punishment for evildoers must be fixed. Punishment and consideration essay. [2]

Merieza, you accidentally ended up discussing only your opinion throughout this essay. You must remember that the prompt requirements dictate the kind of discussion and the placement of the discussion paragraphs throughout the essay. Since this is a practice essay, I am advising you to go back and write a new essay that will follow the prompt requirements thereby creating a properly developed essay discussion on your part. Be sure to discuss the two sides of the issue as an observer first, then, in the 4th paragraph, discuss your point of view before concluding with a summary statement in the fifth and last paragraph. In this current version, all you did was present supporting facts for your stand on the matter, which did not help because the examiner will suddenly realize that you did not understand the instructions you were provided with.

Writing Feedback / The reason and motivation of commited crime should be considered to decide on the punishment [3]

Ivan, you are supposed to accurately discuss both sides of the issue prior to presenting your opinion on the matter. That doesn't seem to be what happened in your essay. It seems that you decided to immediately defend your opinion on the topic. I realize that you did not provide the complete prompt to us for reference but thanks to the others who wrote this prompt before you, I already know what to expect in terms of the discussion you are instructed to present. Due to the mistake in your presentation, the essay no longer follows the instructions and therefore, does not properly respond to the prompt requirements. So this essay will not score well in the actual test. Please remember to refer to the prompt as you develop your essay so that you can be sure that you are following and providing the complete requirements in your essay response.

Writing Feedback / Cement and concrete processes - both use rotating force to make the cement and mixing the concrete [3]

Ivan, your essay is informative and uses the information from the diagram accurately. However, the essay suffers from a number of problems that could affect the overall grade. For example, your opening summary is not sufficient in terms of the number of sentences used to narrate the overview. Please note that such opening remarks must contain a minimum of 3 lines, maximum of 5. Owing to the brief summary you have presented, the examiner will assume that your notes are incomplete and doesn't accurately represent the diagrams presented. The same problem exists in your final paragraph where, you only present two sentences as well. Those are the main areas of concern in your current essay that you must take note of and address during the development of your next practice test.

Writing Feedback / The concrete is processed by mixing all of the ingredients into the concrete mixer. [3]

Ifra, congratulations on writing an essay that could quite possibly score a 7 in an actual setting. Your paper is quite coherent, creates and understandable discussion, and clearly represents the diagram illustration. You have a clear grasp of the English language at, perhaps, an intermediate level which has helped you write this essay on a more clarified level. Although there are some instances where the wrong terms were used or the word was misspelled here and there, these errors were not serious enough to dent your rating in this essay. I would suggest that you continue doing whatever it is you are doing in terms of reviewing and improving your English skills. If I am to base your skills on this essay alone, I could say that you have the potential to improve your skills to the point where you may get more than just a passing grade in the actual test.

Writing Feedback / A controversial issue about how to give the punishments to perpetrators. [3]

Ifra, you would not score better than a 4 with this essay. While you did attempt to discuss the prompt in the best way that you could, you just failed to keep track of the discussion so that you could present the discussion points in a clear, coherent, and acceptable manner. You have difficulty in developing proper paragraph sentences because you lose sight of the all too important topic sentences that dictate the discussion tone of the paragraph. You must also learn to spellcheck because you have a number of misspelled words in the essay that, while it doesn't affect what you are trying to say, since the reader can guess the correct word, distracts from the true meaning of what you are trying to convey to the reader. I hope that you will be able to take note of the problem areas I pointed out. I am looking forward to your next, improved essay very soon.

Scholarship / Chevening-networking is simply the sharing of one's valuable experience and information with others. [2]

Zolzaya, it is funny how you set out to write an essay about networking and ended up explaining a leadership skill on your part. I do believe that you should use this essay as your leadership and influencing essay instead. It just meets all of the requirements of the leadership prompt requirements. Needless to say, it really fell short when it came to trying to embody the networking discussion that should have been depicted in the essay. It will not hurt you to try and develop a different and more relevant networking essay. You obviously have the networking ability, you just need to make sure that you discuss your networking skill next time. Don't confuse it with the leadership essay that you also have to write for the same scholarship grant alright? Those are two different essays and I think you got it confused while you were developing this essay.

Scholarship / The leadership is an instinct which can evolve. Chevening scholarship - Mechanical engineer [3]

Mohammed, your leadership skills should be reflected starting from your professional career. It should never, date back to the time when you were a class officer. Those early academic class officer positions and experience are not considered actual leadership examples by the Chevening reviewers. I am sad that you did not properly develop the professional leadership experience that you have. You almost forgot to mention it actually. that is a bad thing for your essay. For your sake, I suggest that you revise this essay by removing the reference to your early education leadership activities and instead, call the reviewer's attention to your professional leadership and influencing skills. You said that your boss recognized some sort of leadership ability in you and he recommended you for this scholarship. So tell the reviewer more about that leadership ability that he recognized and how it relates to your influencing skills. Start from scratch. Write a new essay. Don't use this one.

Writing Feedback / The way the cement is made and how it is used for produce concrete in construction processes [2]

Nura, you show improvement in this essay. You have proven that you understand the illustration and you are capable of somewhat clearly explaining what you viewed in the diagram. Your explanations of the two processes are actually the best I have read here so far, even without the diagrams to refer to. That is where the impressiveness of your essay lies. I can clearly understand the processes involved in the creation of cement and concrete even though you forgot to upload the diagram with your essay (Note: Please remember to include the diagram next time you upload a Writing Task 1 essay). Everything about the essay works. The grammar problems and sentence structure shortcomings can be overlooked in favor of the clear enough explanation contained in the essay.

Writing Feedback / Learn from the past history, ancient people have doubtless law for each crime. Fixed punishments [3]

Nura, the essay suffers from uneven writing. Your weak grammar and problematic sentence development have affected the overall declarations you have made in your essay. It is difficult to understand what your point of view is. The presentation of facts does not have a clear thought process. Your line of reasoning jumps around various topics without really establishing a strong point of view. You failed to successfully both sides of the discussion and there is no reference to your point of view paragraph within the essay which further affected the presentation and meaning of the essay. I do not believe that your work would have scored higher than a 3 or 4 in this current state.

Scholarship / Strong network to bring people from different disciplines on one table to pursue a common goal [4]

Gera, the essay is not asking you to present an idea as to the kind of network that you want to create in the future for a specific type of project that you have in mind. You are to discuss a past networking experience or explain how you developed your professional network in relation to your professional or civic duties. This essay is more of a network project proposal if you ask me. So it can't be used to respond to the prompt. It would be in your best interest to simply develop a new essay that will better respond to the prompt. There is nothing in this essay that you can use to develop the new essay so you will need to brainstorm a new response as well.

Scholarship / I believe in networking wherever I go. Creating a new type of cinema in Egipt. [3]

Eman, you should consider presenting a more solid example of your networking skills while discussing the contacts that you have made over the years. That means you will not just enumerate the festivals that you attended, but that you will also indicate the kind of contacts that you made. After that, you will then explain how you were able to utilize those contacts in your line of work starting from your past endeavors to your current undertakings. This will create the response that shows your strong networking skill and shall display your influencing prowess as well. Within the discussion, you can use that networking incident as an example of the kind of network that you will share with Chevening scholars who will also be film making masters course students. Right now, the essay sounds more like an informal professional resume instead of a networking explanation essay. So you need to redirect the focus of the essay to make the response more relevant.

Scholarship / My original personality was never a leading or influencing type. Chevening Scholarship [2]

Zolzaya, I don't really see this essay as properly responding to the prompt requirements. Your academic leadership experience is not the kind of organized activity related leadership role so the leadership traits displayed are not really noticeable nor remarkable to the reviewer. Your work leadership skill is almost non-existent and does not direct the reviewer's attention to any specific leadership trait that you displayed on the job which can be considered influential within your professional circle in any way. As your adviser, I would suggest that you try to develop a new essay that is more relevant to the prompt and will allow you to properly display a strong influential and leadership trait. Right now, this essay cannot accomplish that task.

Scholarship / the idea of a solitary 'hero' leader reinstated with an engaging leadership - Chevening Skills Essay [5]

Nur, your essay is fantastic. The content is excellent and your use of the phrase regarding the oneness of leadership and influence is simply impressive. The essay really has a strong background but tends to run too long. There are two portions where, in my opinion, you can successfully remove paragraphs and make the essay stronger for it. These portions as the narrations regarding the fire tragedy and the one at the end about being an oncology ward pharmacist.

The strongest part of the essay is the one about the medication incident. That paragraph strongly displays your leadership abilities and your influential prowess in the performance of your duties. You should therefore, ensure that there will not be any other story or situation that can either remove the attention from that part or lessen its impact. Not only that, you will also reduce your word count immensely by concentrating the essay only on the most important portion of the narration.

Undergraduate / I had always been infatuated with animated cartoon shows - USC Cinematic Arts Personal Statement [10]

Mia, I think that you need to rethink the third paragraph that you wrote. It seems to portray a belief system rather than a personal reason for wanting to study animation and digital arts as USC. You should aim to personalize the paragraph by somehow connecting it to your choice of university. At the moment, you are depicting a mindset that is all your own, separate from the reason why USC can help you achieve this belief of yours. Your closing paragraph really fits in the overall context of the prompt so you don't have to worry about that portion. It works for the purposes of your essay. Now, for the page and a half, the normal spacing for that is double unless otherwise stated. If you wish to be sure, please contact the admissions office of USC to confirm the line spacing for the essay. Most of the offices have people who can assist you with such inquiries.

Scholarship / Leadership and influence skills before graduation and in the light of my professional career [3]

Hanady, the revisions to your essay are quite simple. Just remove the reference to your college membership in the organization because it is not really important nor relevant to the essay. It is not relevant because you did not really display and leadership abilities or influencing skills. All you did was explain how this organization inspired the kind of leader you became. If you want to retain this paragraph then place it above the professional experience so that it will serve as a lead in paragraph to the real experience you will be presenting. As for the professional aspect, you need to mention who the people involved in the decision making process were and if you were really the leader of the committee. You sound like the leader of a one man show at the moment. However, owing to all of the aspects of work that needed to be enacted, it is obvious that you had to lead a team and more importantly, influence the decision making process. Clarify those points and the essay will be all set.

Writing Feedback / Making cement from limestone and clay while the concrete requires cement, sand, water and gravel [3]

Meireza, I do believe that this diagram description could earn a band score of 6 based due to a number of reasons. The most important reason that affected your score is that the overview lacks a sense of clarity that could fully explain the purpose of the essay and give an overview of the procedures to be presented. You failed to indicate that the procedure uses similar equipment based on the second diagram provided.So the tone of your essay became unclear. I believe that the following observation of your work will help you better develop your succeeding essays. It is all about the way you develop your sentences. Make sure that the topic sentence is always evident and clear. Specially when you develop your opening statement.

Writing Feedback / To punish those committing crimes, the motivation for perpetrating it, should be taken into account [2]

Mifta, the essay would have been made stronger if you had approached it from a more logical argument / standpoint. In order to better support your claims, you should have had a total of 5 paragraphs in the essay following the format below:

1. Introduction
2. Opinion you don't support
3. Opinion you support
4. Your personal opinion that aligns with the previous paragraph
5. Your conclusion
The essay asked you to discuss both points of view along with your opinion. While you did present a personal point of view in the essay, you should have discussed your stand alone opinion of the issue in order to better reflect the prompt requirements. Remember that for a test essay, you should always aim for a 5 paragraph response in order to ensure a better score in the end.

Writing Feedback / The information about several goods and steps to produce cement, and how to make concrete by cement. [4]

Wily, a depiction of the diagram that you used to write the essay should really have been included in this essay. It would have helped us figure out how well you were able to represent the diagram in your written work. At this point, I can only assume that you were able to properly assess the diagram and develop a procedural essay from it. The only thing that puzzles me, is why your opening statement is so short. As an overview, it should have contained at least 3 sentences in order to properly summarize the essay. Right now, at two sentences, it doesn't follow the expected guidelines for essay development of this sort. Please make sure to always develop the right number of sentences for your essays. It matters in the overall scoring of your work and can affect the final score you are given.

Writing Feedback / Two processes about how to produce cement and how to make concrete for building [3]

Mardian, it is hard to assess the information you are presenting in your essay because there is no diagram attached. We need that diagram in order to compare your information with. That is how we can correct your mistakes in terms of presenting information aside from any relevant grammar correction. Please do not forget to attach the diagram next time you place an essay for assessment. Thanks.

The main problem that I came across with your essay has to do with your opening statement. It is too short as the required minimum number of sentences for each paragraph is 3 with a maximum of 5. So the lack of sentences will be sure to affect your final score. From the way I read your essay though, and without the diagram to compare it to, it would seem that the essay content is good enough for at least a passing score.

Writing Feedback / People can purchase things easily even if those products are not made in their countries [3]

Sandy, your paper will not score higher than a 4 in an actual test. As you have admitted, you have a problem with sentence completion and grammar. These problems affected the overall essay because you were not able to accomplish a number of things in the essay. These include:

1. An incomplete opening statement. the introduction must give a summary of the prompt, your opinion, then an overview of the discussion in order to be more effective.

2. Learn to group your discussions into relevant paragraphs for the body of the essay. One paragraph requires one fully developed topic. You should concentrate on presenting only one reason so that you won't have a hard time developing the accompanying sentences in support of it.

3. The conclusion also requires you to be more aware of the discussion that you have just presented. This is done by creating a summary of the discussion you just presented.

Writing Feedback / The well-known events like World Cup and other international sporting occasions are essential. [2]

Ha, I strongly believe that you would score a 6 in the actual IELTS test with this essay. You have shown that you can present a set of supporting ideas for your position in such a manner that proves an intermediate grasp of the English language. You were able to properly group your ideas and present them in a coherent manner. While there are still a number of grammatical errors, the you were able to develop a cohesive paragraph just the same. Though the grammar you used was simple, it was complex enough for your perceived English writing and comprehension skills. I believe that you are on the right path towards passing this test. Your mistakes were not enough to lower the score to failing. Since you are already passing the test, more practice will only result in higher scores for you. Good luck with your test.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Writing 2: In the past, young people depended too much on their parents to make decisions.... [2]

Samira, you have presented some very solid arguments in your essay that show a clear understanding of the prompt and an analysis of the possible answers in support of your position. The essay is good in the sense that you have a clear flow of thought and your discussion is based on common sense and logical reasons. There is a clear command of English even though some of your sentence structure is not as solid as it can be. The grammar mistakes are not so severe that it affects your declarations. Everything about your essay shows that you are capable of passing the TOEFL exam once you take it. However, you need to further improve your skill in writing your conclusions. It is supposed to be at least 3 sentences long at all times. You only presented one very long sentence that could have been very easily split into 3 parts. Learn how to modify your sentences or thought process in order to meet the sentence requirements.

Scholarship / Agricultural Economics as a course entails ground knowledge STUDYING IN THE UK QUESTION OF CHEVENING [2]

Feli, focus on the prompt requirement, just present an overview of your college background in relation to your choice of masters courses, your professional experience that has created the demand for you to engage in higher studies, and finally, the way that the UK can help you further develop your career through their support of various related programs to your course of choice. You need not discuss your early inclination for farming and agriculture.

Try to discuss your choice of university and courses in a more developed manner. That is the necessary information for the essay. The current focus of your essay is too much on the past and does not have a balance with your current career and future career choices that may be affected by your masters studies. You ended up publishing a resume instead of giving a response to the question "Why do you want to study in the UK?". If you review the prompt requirements, you will see how mistaken you are in the method of your discussion.

Try to revise the essay to have a more balanced discussion of the past, present, and future of your career. The university and course choices should be discussed individually in paragraph form and not in a single paragraph for all 3 required information.