Writing Feedback / Toefl; Childhood is the happiest time of our life (My weakness point is writing) [6]


Welcome to Essay Forum! This is the place for getting help and offering help for English writing. Of course you would get our help and at the same time you would be asked to help for others :D ... We highly believe in give and take policy. :)


Each of those stages has some memorable moments.

Writing Feedback / Children under drug influences and solutions [4]


First and foremost, many people recognize Australian society as one that uses drugs with an understanding of every facet of drugs.


... this is not very clear :( Better rephrase :(
Yet, some people there would not know the role of certain drugs and how they are classified. ... I'm not sure whether this is what you wanted to mean.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: Resist change or Welcome change? [6]


This sounds a bit stereotype statement. Not every man or woman is reluctant to make changes in their lives. Quite contrary, some really look forward to changing.


You could have said -
People generally are reluctant to accommodate changes in their lives. ... this helps you to qualify the ones who look forward to changing :D


It's better you opened your essay giving more hint that you are going to talk about what problems it may cause;
Resisting change may affect us negatively.

Writing Feedback / Road accidents claim too many lives. What can governments and individuals do to reduce it? [9]

I have an admin request for you. Make sure you open your threads in the most appropriate forum. This should have been opened in the Writing Feedback forum (I moved it from Undergraduate to Writing Feedback) Also include the purpose of your writing (e.g. IELTS, TOEFL, GRE etc.) in the title so that others can provide you with more meaningful feedbacks.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : Advertisements are benefial to people or not ? [7]


LOL ... I give my priority for unanswered threads and I saw you've got so many feedbacks :) Also, I personally think you don't need much help from us now because you are already very good. Anyways, I would always try to have some time for you as you have a great potential in getting a very good band at IELTS.


It is our pleasure to help all of you and hope you too would one day return that help to others who need it. Once you finish the exam write to us to become a contributor ;)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : Televisions are the most favorite media for comunicating [8]

In your introduction you should have introduced the there types of media that yo are going to compare and contrast. Then have three body paras to discuss each media and its advantages and disadvantages. I think that would be a better way for you to tackle this topic. This topic is a little different form normal issue topics :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2:How technology has changed the way people interact?Advantages/Disadvantages. [3]

Well, I think I provide you with a structure to follow for your intro. Do your introduction by following the above structure and post it here.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: outlay and expense on fast foods in the UK [5]

The bar chart illustrates the outlay on fast foods in the UK in 1990 whereas the line graph gives information about the figure for the consumption of fast food from 1970 to 1990 as indicated on the x-axis .

This is a very good effort. You follow the best structure for this task. Very good intro, overview and detail paras. Good vocabulary, presentation too :)

I think you are ready for this task. Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / Hello! I am studying in class 7 I want to improve my English help me. [6]

Its makeIt makes our life very easier.


Today we cannot imagine our life without computers.


Nowadays, computer literacy is a must because it is an important life skill for one to be successful.


Actually it is the ICT (Information and Communication Technology) that has brought the world together and made it a small global village.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : Advertisements are benefial to people or not ? [7]

Ok...then you need to work on that seriously :) First read the topic carefully and decide quickly what stand you take on the argument. Then quickly think of two reasons as to why you take that stand. Now we need to write the essay;

I suggest you to shorten your intro. Do only the needful in the first go (I'll talk about the second go lately :D )
For intro, do the background by rephrasing the title and make a clear statement of your opinion. (opinion- have some standard phrase ready to fit for every essay. e.g. In my view, I believe ?????) .... this saves time for your intro and now move on to the 1st body para. Start off it with writing your reason. Then write your example (if you don't get one quickly , leave that and go to the second para and write the second reason & the example) Now do the conclusion (for this too, you can have more or less one fit for all essays . For example- Due to the above reasons ???????)

Now you have more time to left. Go back to your previous parts. Write a hook in the intro. Then come to body paras and fill gaps (exmaples - can elaborate more)

First finish the skeletone form of your essay. This helps you handle time effectively :)
Don't worry too much about writing the best essay in the world. Make sure you have all necessary features in your essay. With practice and confidence, everything would automatically come. You write very well and you'll do fine at the exam. Practice your essays strictly following a structure :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Increasing fuel price is best way to solve traffic.agree or disagree? [5]

First of all, it is important to find the root cause of the growing traffic and pollution problems in order (no comma) to solve it.


.... the first part is too vague :( what kind of changes? if you say that, then you need to elaborate. I feel it is better to do away with that phrase.

You can write very well. You have a good flow, vocabulary, ideas, clarity. Pay a little more attention to your essay structure to go for a real high band :)

Writing Feedback / Is it true that people's worth is related to their social status and material possessions? [7]


.... It's better had you concluded your introduction with the statement that expressed your opinion.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Playing Computer games can have negative impact on society [7]

I understand you are a newbie. So I'd like to tell you a few things that you need to follow when opening future threads. Have a more menaingful title (this one is attended by us). Also include your prompt in the essay for others to get a clear idea about what your prompt suggests. In this essay I cannot figure out what your prompt had asked and therefore I cannot check the alignment of what you wrote with the prompt :(

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1: First Year Assessments [3]

So, I find your introduction and overview excellent in their presentation. However, I like if you adopted a more formal tone in the other parts that suits better for report writing. For example;


.... I think this sounds a bit too personal and not going well with report writing.
However, you display excellent writing skills. This is pretty good :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS : Space Exploration - More to do with national pride than international effort? [3]

In my mindview, people who ... have been made their nationalitynation proud of thembecause they ...Now, let's discuss this essay

Follow the structure Pahan suggests. You need to pay more attention to the essay structure that contains all necessary features to earn you a good score as well as helps you manage time effectively.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : Some modern artists receive huge sums of money for the things they create. [5]

Whatever the reason, I would give an argumentation that government cannotshouldn't prevent artist to earn much money from their products.
Well, above is your opinion and ideally it should have said in your introduction. You should use your body paragraphs to justify your opinion by giving reasons and supporting them with more specific examples.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: the benefits of technologies mobility outweigh the disadvantage [5]


Well, it is always good to conclude your introduction with a clear expression about your opinion. The above is not so appropriate for an essay. It's ok for a speech, but not for writing.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: Information Technology in Human's Life [7]

First, I have an admin request to make :)
You should open threads relating to IELTS in the Writing Feedback section. (I moved this from Graduate to Writing Feedback)
I feel you need to improve on your essay structure.

Undergraduate / Poverty in a third world country is not kind to anyone; Background/ Central to Identity [8]


These lines do not deliver anything that is relevant to your prompt. I strongly advise you not to waste words. You need to make sure that your answer helps them (admission officers) capture yourself. So tell them a story that finally makes you up. Have your focus on that!

This is what I copied from a website. Hope it would help you;
Make sure your essay captures YOU. The admissions folks should finish reading your essay with a much clearer sense of who you are and what it is that interests and motivates you. Also, make sure your essay paints a positive portrait. The admissions folks are considering inviting you to join their community. They will not want to extend an invitation to someone who comes across as insensitive, self-centered, boastful, narrow-minded, unimaginative or indifferent.

Last of all, pay attention to style, tone, and mechanics. The essay is largely about you, but it is also about your writing ability.

Scholarship / I want to work for a world with peace and justice; UWC personal statement [3]

Ok, you need some help with cutting down your word count :)


For outsiders, my family looks perfectly normal.


However, it's far from the truth.


My mother is a smart woman who migrated to Norway from Kazakhstan. She always inspired me to follow my heart and speak up for what I believe in.

I didn't include your father's part because I feel you can do away with that. It does not deliver a particular idea to enrich your essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Influence of Colours in humans' feeling [10]


Very good introduction. It is short and sweet while containing all essential features. :)


Well, I do not understand why you particularly picked this point. For me, this sounds a bit stereotype statement. Do all children love bright colors? I as a kid used to love pastel shades more. Do you mean infants?

Graduate / My passion for Science & Art; SOP MFA, Graphic Design [5]

I think this is a pretty good SOP. I generally go by this guide line;

Except for the background and final summary, I feel you've done a good job with other section.
Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Rubbish created by humans today is a worldwide issue! [8]

I think you have very good writing skills. You have excellent vocabulary, good sentences, smart idea :) However, I think you better pay more attention to the essay structure. I noticed that Pahan has provided you with a good structure -

That would help you earn marks as well as manage time very effectively. You may have to have slight adjustments there as per your topic. But worth following that approach :)

Undergraduate / "No. I want to study Environmental Science";Holy Cross Transfer [3]


I said in a calm tone, yet disturbing her suggestions of all reputed majors.


I had always been a good and consistent student. However, I was always confused about the direction.


... do you mean that you were scared to say no to things? Then that idea should be expressed more clearly.

Undergraduate / My Bedroom - Common App Essay: A Meaningful Environment [4]


It is more than a place for me; it is the landscape of my feelings and emotions, photo album of my memories, my inspiration an motivation. It is a major part of me.


All of us need


All of us need a place where we enjoy privacy and lay down to relax and relieve stress.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Rubbish created by humans today is a worldwide issue! [8]

I have a few admin requests for you. First, you should open your essays in the most appropriate forum. I understand this is an IELTS essay and it should have been opened in the Writing Feedback forum. (I transferred it from Undergraduate to Writing Feedback). Second, you need to have a more meaningful title ( we attended to your original title ). It is always better you include the purpose of your writing (IETLS, TOEFL, GRE etc.) in the title. These are forum rules and they also help you to earn more feedbacks.

Undergraduate / 'an experience between personal freedom...' Haverford Honor Code Essay [4]

Living atin a school with only a hundred students, reliance on trust and understanding is essential to the wellbeing, comfort, and sense of community that exists at Orme.


It has a more straightforward policy - "Don't lie, cheat or steal". Although this may cover basic guidelines, I feel it needs to be more detailed for it to benefit my school like the one at Haverford's.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1; Britons fast food [4]

First, you need to upload the graph for us to have a look at it before commenting on your writing. Use the "Attach file (s)" in the Message block to upload your graph.

Writing Feedback / Disenfranchising women voters [6]

Seems you are a newbie here and I want to request you to pay attention when you open your new threads. This one should have ideally been opened in Writing Feedback forum. Also mention the purpose of writing this essay (IELTS, TOEFL, Class assignment etc.) in the title itself so that it helps us provide you with more meaningful and relevant feedbacks.


This sentence does not give a clear idea as to what you try to mean. I guess you talk about gender equality. If so,
In this modern era, nations need equal contribution of both genders in their efforts towards development.

Undergraduate / Learning from your challenges in life! [6]


This year I had the opportunity to volunteer for the International Human Rights Day Student Symposium, an event that explored issues of human rights violations during World War II in Asia.


During my free time I watched the presentation on Nanking Massacre, an event I had only heard of, but didn't have my knowledge in depth.

Undergraduate / Career and Goals essay paragraph needs to be reviewed AND YOU KINDLY ! [5]


You should avoid talking about all these general theories. They know those things and that's not what they are interested in knowing. They need to know about you! They need to know your career story, how you progressed with your career, you career ambitions and how they developed etc. etc. Don't use your word count for things that do not talk about you. Focus more on the topic!

Undergraduate / How can i benefit from my education at the american university in cairo (AUC)? [3]


I set my priority for the location of the university above everything else and without realization that I should have given more consideration for my passion.

Well the above passage confuses me. You say that you began your search for colleges and then you talk about your kid years. From the first part we get the impression that you are a young student looking for colleges and the second part contradicts that impression. You need to work on that :(

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1: LINE GRAPH/ change in fish and other three types of meat consumption [7]

No I don't find grammar issues with your essay. It's written pretty well and you display good writing skills.

Writing Feedback / Ielts - changes in weekly spending by Britons on three types of fast food [5]


Good introduction :)


Well, according to my knowledge the minimum word count should be 150 and there is no harm exceeding 150 words (they say "minimum 150 words " or "at least 150 words". In fact it would be better if you have about 200 words. Generally in report writing you give an overview at the beginning (overall picture) and then go to explain the details. So I vote for Pahan's structure. There is not necessity for a conclusion. You are reporting a visual presentation.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : The main reasons for study and the amount of study grant [4]


Yes, MisterWandering is absolutely right. Attach the graph using the "Attach file(s) feature in the Message Block for us to provide you with more meaningful feedbacks.

First of all,The first graph indicates why people continue their study and the second bar chart gives percentage of study grant. There are two reasons for studying and five age groups which have an opportunity to study with employer support.

Your structure seems to be pretty good. However, you need to adopt a more report writing tone. Without seeing your graph it is difficult to provide comments. Please attach it!

Writing Feedback / IELST TASK 1: Australian kids' leisure actives. [5]

In the first place you should have uploaded the graph. It is important for others to provide you with more meaningful feedbacks. Use the "Attach file(s)" feature in the Message block to upload your diagrams.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1: LINE GRAPH/ change in fish and other three types of meat consumption [7]


The line graph shows the trends of consumption of fish, chicken, lamb and beef in European countries from 1979 to 2004.


Overall, fish, beef and lamb consumption had shown a decrease over the period while chicken had recorded a major increase in its consumption.
Good structure. Wish you good luck with the task! :)

Undergraduate / ILLEGAL DRUGS; **UWC PAKISTAN** ; Current problem in Pakistan [7]


Along with high media coverage, these are some of the burning issues with what our nation is suffering through.
And the shocking thing I figured out was that Drugs illegal drugs such as (list a few with what Pakistanis deal ) could be the next Bigbig threat to the reputation and well being of our nation and country. (full stop) To be particular, specially the Usageusage and access to Drugsdrugs by male Teenagers.teenagers.

Don't have too much capitalized words. That disturbs your flow.

Writing Feedback / Report of Numeracy Skill in 24 Countries [10]


Yes...

Undergraduate / My parents are both from the Dominican Republic; Rutgers - Diversity, multicultural [4]


I suggest you to change the order of this sentence to make it read better;
As a person who enjoys meeting new people and exploring new environments, I believe that my acquaintance with Rutgers vibrantly diverse community would earn a great experience and exposure for me.


You better find out more details about Rutgers diversity and refer to those specific features.