Undergraduate / I can picture myself doing things I love; Why Tufts Essay [4]


doing anything? or doing things you longed for?
Tufts University is a place that I can picture myself doing things I dreamed all my life.
The rest is very interesting and I find you have answered the prompt very well.
Wish you good luck with your application!

Undergraduate / My mother's been diagnosed with bipolar disorder; CENTRAL TO IDENTITY [3]


In my view, I don't find much value addition coming from the above lines. Except for the last sentence, other things are too general and do not talk about you. My view is that you should not waste a single word because you have a strict word count and every word in your response must let those admission officers know you better.

Scholarship / Moving from Mexico to the United States; Academic Challenge Description. [4]

Yes.... "diversity" is the right word :)


"never been never alone" means you were alone :D
I have never been alone and always provided with support and encouragement by others.


Write shorter sentences limiting your ideas one per sentence. When you write lengthy sentences you tend to get carried away and the final result is you confuse the reader.

Scholarship / I wanted to devote my life helping others; Self-introduction - KGSP Scholarship [6]


I feel this sentence is a too lengthy. When your sentences are too long, the reader needs to keep remembering each point you have in your sentence to get the overall idea. That's too much work for the reader and he would not like it. :)


It still comes to my mind while bringing a smile on my face, an anecdote I learned six years ago.

Writing Feedback / GRE Issue Essay - Governments should offer a free university education [4]


... I feel you should have presented this idea with better clarity;
Other than the high costs that are involved with implementing this policy, this would greatly benefit the nation in the long run and would surely pay off the investment.


... well, I don't get your idea very clearly.... I think you need to rephrase this sentence. Is this what you mean?
First, a person who comes from a poor family would stand less opportunities for progressing with education.

Undergraduate / '..my knowledge of Yale is wholly derived from media' Yale answers - International student [3]


My knowledge about Yale is limited to what I learned from media about the university.


...Better combine these two lines.

The Israeli National FIRST Robotics competition would take place in a few months. I would spend my free week for mentoring the members of my previous robotics team.

Undergraduate / William Bouguereau ; UVA - What work of art, music, science,mathematics, or literature [3]



Well.... they stress on "What work of art, music, science, mathematics, or literature has surprised, unsettled, or challenged you" , but your response takes a bit different direction. You say his art work touched your heart and not that you felt surprised, unsettled or challenged.... Just give some thought about this point !

Writing Feedback / IELTS: men/women 'oriented' studies - equal numbers of male and female students [4]

MisterWandering has suggested you a good structure for the essay. According to that structure, for your intro, you need to have a hook (an opening sentence that is catchy and relevant). Also, you need to conclude the introduction by stating your opinion. If those two features are present then this intro is a very good one :)

Also, you should have at least two body paragraphs to justify your opinion. It doesn't matter if you have more number of body paragraphs (if the time permits) but not less than two. Have a look at the following essays to get an idea of this structure.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2 topic:Why are young people leaving their homes from rural areas to study or [7]

Obviously, both individual and society are benefited from this development.


Yes, I too agree ...

Writing Feedback / TOEFL topic: which one do you prefer? studying alone or studying with a teacher. [5]

There is no harm in using personal experiences in TOEFL essays as examples and in fact they would help you convince the reader better. However, this essay needs structural improvements.


Pahan is right about that point. In the body paragraphs, you are expected to justify your position by giving reasons as you why you hold that opinion. Then you should give specific examples (you can have personal experiences too) support your reasoning.

Undergraduate / Influence (Family,culture, environment) & Unique qualities/charcteristics; UCF [4]


I am very fortunate to have been raised by two amazing parents who inculcated good morals and values in me while being the best inspiration for my life.


My father, a mechanic and an auto broker, had been the main reason for the advent of my passion for mechanical engineering. My mother who works for our local church was instrumental in nurturing my love for volunteer work.

Undergraduate / "The Clash Between My Worlds" Common app essay help? [3]


... is that "Bengali" or "Bangladeshi"? You speak Bengali, but you hail from Bangladesh, isn't that so?


When I was younger I often felt disconnected from the world of my parents and grandparents.


I like if you combined these two lines (sounds a bit repetitive otherwise) ;
I had never visited Bangladesh and felt it like a far-flung and vague land.

Undergraduate / "Reason over emotion"; Programme preference - City University, why? [8]


... well, when you say numbers, data, graphics, then that gives an impression that you are a math guy or a statistician. It does not imply your liking towards chemistry. Since your preference is lying with chemistry, you better have things more related to chemistry.

This does not convey a clear message about your career aspirations. Just teaching the poor is not enough. Be more specific about what you want to do for your career and how this is going to help you achieve this.

Scholarship / A narrative on what I learned or Something I encountered [3]

I find this writing is too abstract at the beginning. You signed up what? Then again you talk about your teacher's involvement. You give too much work to the reader to sort out your ideas and their flow, which the reader would not willingly do. :D

I strongly feel you should re-write this section. Organize your ideas in a more logical order.

Writing Feedback / Government support for the elderly. Agree or disagree ? [8]

Good introduction :)


Okkkkkkkk... so your reason here is that people fail to save for their retirement age due to various commitments (I suggest you to remove the part about spendthrifts because it is not going to help your opinion - In the body para, you should give reasons to support your opinion and back them up with examples). Present this reason more clearly to the reader and present the ideas of family commitments ( expenses on their children's education, providing a quality lifestyle etc.) as examples.

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay - Is the re introduction of criminals in societies is justified? [3]


I don't get your idea here :( What do you mean?
Also, your body paragraphs need to include specific examples to support your reasoning.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: 'The knowledge is power, not the grades' - Do grades encourage students to learn? [5]

Well you need to improve your structure a lot if you want to earn a good score for this TOEFL Independent Writing Task. Your whole essay looks like just one para.

Writing Feedback / Music is the face of the country - IELTS band. [4]

Well, your essay structure has many drawbacks and you need to improve it if you aim at a good band in IELTS. Here's a suggestion for a structure that helps you earn marks as well as manage your time effectively.

Writing Feedback / Learning foreign language at primary school makes studying more stressful [2]

Ok... let's look at the strucutre'


.... Your intro does not contain this feature. It is something like;
Being able to communicate in a foreign language is also an added advantage. ... this hook should be catchy as well as relevant to your topic.


.... well, this is about rephrasing your prompt. (You have not included the full prompt here, so we guess it is about an argument on learning a foreign language from a young age is good or bad... Always include your prompt in your post)

Some experts hold the view it is always better to start learning a foreign language from a young age. (definition) However, some others argue that it may confuse the children about their identity. ( importance of the question - this I guessed because I haven't seen your prompt.)

Although there are some merits in learning a foreign language from a young age, I too do not support this idea for several reasons. ... state your opinion clearly.

Writing Feedback / All cats are gray in dark- Nowadays people pay much more time and money on appearance [8]


Treat number 2 as a whole. 2.1 and 2.2 are elaborating more on number 2 which is about telling the reader the background of the issue. When you present the background to the reader, you should first introduce the prompt in its real sense without going out of topic (that's what 2.1 suggests) and at the same time you should present this background in a manner that it is an importanat issue to discuss (i.e. 2.2).

You haven't included your prompt in this essay and therefore I cannot exactly do the background for you according to this structure. Post your prompt and then I will do a sample introduction for you for this essay.

Undergraduate / Why Macalester? The website was what sparked the initial interest [5]


I too think so. Also, I guess other colleges too talk about their current activities and other stuff as Macalester does. So, you need to be more specific as to how Macalester's approach was more appealing to you.


I feel it is good if you improve clarity of this sentence....It sounds a bit too crowded. Better you rephrase it.

Undergraduate / ' I'm a practical student' My way into Engineering - USC - academic interests [2]


In my country, the decision on major is a crucial one because high schools offer specific and pre-directed courses.


... I feel this sentence is not adding any value to your response. Rather, the reader gets confused with the first three sentences because they sound contradictory to each other. :(

Focus on what you intend to study and tell them about your interest in them.

Writing Feedback / All cats are gray in dark- Nowadays people pay much more time and money on appearance [8]


....needs improvement in presentation.
Recently, people have become more interested in their outer appearance.


It is better to conclude the introduction with a clear statement that expresses your opinion.

Writing Feedback / Is there anyone in this world who does not want to be rich? Reasons for making money [8]


You display good writing skills - good grammar, vocabulary etc. However, this introduction does not introduce your topic in its real sense. Your topic is not based on people's desire for money. It is about the primary objective of working. Here, the focus is somewhat drifted. Pay more attention when you introduce the background of the topic to your reader. Always maintain a proper alignment with the prompt.

Writing Feedback / Some people believe in the traditional idea that the woman's place is in the home...... [3]


It has been long debated over the woman's role; Where should she be? Is it the workplace or the home?


In my opinion, women should not confine themselves to be just housewives. Instead they should actively get involved in social and economic activities by making their share of contribution.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Disparities in earnings of different professionals [5]


This sentence does not flow well :(
Every profession has its own values. However, there is a great variance in the earnings of different professionals.

Writing Feedback / We did not have smart phones - Doing the same thing and avoiding change? [9]

Is this essay a practice essay for IELTS or TOEFL? You better include the purpose of your writing in the essay title so that we can provide you with more task relevant feed backs :)


You do not adequately introduce your prompt. You need to elaborate that more.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - Everyone should stay in school until age of eighteen. Agree or disagree? [3]


The best way to aim for a better score is to follow an appropriate essay structure that helps you earn marks as well as manage your time at the exam. You should keep practicing writing with time following that structure. I have given you the structure that you should follow for your introduction.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - Newspaper and books are outdated. What is your opinion? [6]


.... you talk about two forms and therefore it should be in plural form / Capitalize Internet


....can be categorized?
they became more popular methods for accessing information than the traditional methods such as newspapers and books.

Here you repeat the same idea. It's better you follow the structure I proposed to you in one of your previous essays.

Undergraduate / I always believed that I wanted to be a model; NYU Bio [4]


The photo shoots, cameras, beauty and glamour that are associated with the models kept intriguing me.


..."like a flask"? ... I don't really get this :(
Your response talks very little about how NYU contributes to your academic interests.You need to talk more about that aspect as it is one of the prime objectives of this question.

Undergraduate / I have my ups and downs; Celebrate your nerdy side [5]

What is the prompt? It is good if you posted the prompt so that we can provide you with more meaningful feedbacks. Is it about your goals? It's better you post the prompt even now so that you can expect better responses for this essay. Make sure you include the prompt when you open a new thread.


It's better if you let others to judge you. Talk about your achievements and experiences more.

Undergraduate / Bates College : Supplementary Essay - "How this Statement inspires you." [7]


I am not in favor of the approach of tertiary education in my homeland, Austria. I appreciate its free of charge availability, however, I find it fails to truly satisfy my mind and strengthens me as an individual rather than to serve the sole purpose to get me a well paid job.


Ok... if you claim that you are not happy about Austrian education system, then you need to tell them why it is so. You do not justify that claim adequately. Tell how it fails to satisfy your mind and individual aspirations. More than everything, you need to tell them what features would satisfy you and what are your aspirations in terms of education . And then whether you would find those things in Bates.

I feel you better re-organize the flow - First tell them what you seek in tertiary education and then tell the rest.

Undergraduate / My adventure has started at last; BackgroundStory(exchange student) [6]

Well... this prompt, Central to your identity, mostly deals with these questions;
Who are you? What are you? What makes you, well, you?
Reading your response in full, I think you elaborate more on your decision and subsequent experiences although you talk about your learnings and their contribution to influence your perceptions. But, I think you need give more focus on telling them where you come from and defining your identity. In other words it should be something central to who you are. So, I suggest you to re-do this to have it aligned more with your prompt.

Writing Feedback / Is there anyone in this world who does not want to be rich? Reasons for making money [8]


This implies that everybody wants to be rich. However, there can be people, especially who are more spiritually oriented, who really do not care about money. Mahathma Gandhi, Leo Tolstoy are good examples for such people. So, you should be more careful when making generalizations. I suggest you to open the essay with the second sentence;


This one provides a good entrance to your essay.

Undergraduate / MIT short essays. Attribute of personality, my world, significant challenge. [4]

I generally take the below as the guidance to answer this prompt - "The World you come from "
- "World" is a versatile term. The prompt gives "your family, community and school" as examples of possible "worlds," but they are just three examples. Where is it that you truly live? What really makes up your "world"? Is it your team? The local animal shelter? Your grandmother's kitchen table? Your church? The pages of a book? Someplace where your imagination likes to wander?

This particular community can fit in with this prompt, but you need to present it to make them feel that you truly that you live in there. Your response should revolve around you, not around Shabi or any other person. Otherwise your response would sound like answering for a question on extra curricular activities.

Undergraduate / Major in Physics or Mathematics-Statistics; U of Rochester [4]

Without seeing your prompt it is difficult to check whether your response is aligned with it. It's good if you tell us what it is and make sure you include the prompt when you open new threads.


.... why you find it interesting? Better elaborate a bit more that.

Undergraduate / My admiration for my FATHER;University of Toronto - What inspired me to pursue Engineering [3]

Well.... you need to tell them what inspired you pursue an engineering degree and why would you like to study at the University of Toronto. If you say it is your engineering father who inspired you to follow his foot steps, then it does not really convey a message that you have a strong passion for this field. Tell what you found interesting about engineering, and what role your father played there. You cannot cover passion through your father. Instead you should bring it out.

Undergraduate / Running on our school's track every night; Rice short answer [7]


I take a run on our school's track every night after my self-study session. That is the moment I enjoy my free spirit and nothing would prevent me from this joy.

I prefer the first one to the second one. However, it is better you talk more about your experiences, achievements and what sort of knowledge and exposure you gain out of this activity.

Undergraduate / Brain and Cognitive Sciences at MIT- why major? [9]


I wish to major in Brain and Cognitive Sciences at MIT because it allows me to understand myself better and relate to other people well.


Good notice and advice by plee24 :)
I too find this pretty good.... It's a short and sweet response :D ... Wish you good luck with your application :)

Writing Feedback / CBEST Technology is out of control or has improved the quality of life? [3]


...."Some" sounds better than "Many";
Some people believe that technology has gone out of control.


What is your opinion. It is better you conclude the introduction stating your opinion.


... this sentence has grammar issues;
The positive contribution of technology to our society is that it has vastly improved the quality of life of modern people.