Writing Feedback / IELTS - Beijing example; Petrol price rising vs traffic and pollution [3]


It is a fact that traffic and pollution has become the major problem to modern cities.


Some believed that the increase in number of motor vehicles every year was the cause to this problem. They also believed that the best way to solve it was to increase the price of fuel.

Scholarship / Motivation Letter for the EPIC program; Scholarship Essay [3]

I agree. I didn't quite understand it either. I think it would be best if you rephrase it. :)

I think the rest of the letter is good. Everything you say is clear and very nicely constructed. Good luck. :)

Writing Feedback / I have some true friends! ; My memorable experience(s)" [4]


This sentence sounds a little odd. Let me help you.
I have few friends in my life, but they are true friends.


We met an old couple while travelling on the train. They could speak Thai and since they were going to the same place as us, they decided to join us.


... This sentence is too long. Try to break it down.
We decided to go in 2 separate groups. One group took the stairs and the other group waited for the elevator with the old couple.

I dont quite understand the next bit. If the exits of the elevator and the stairs were the same how did you get lost???

Undergraduate / India- is synonymous to cultural diversity; MIT Essay - background and identity [4]


I think it's diversity you are looking for.. It would be better to use that instead of variety.


I don't think you need a "in" after "festivals" here.

Is the 1st essay within the word count??
I like the second essay very much. But try to keep things simple with small sentences. You have done a good job nevertheless. :)

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Some people prefer to eat at food stands or restaurants,other people prefer.. [8]

This is a good essay for a number of reasons. You have understood the question correctly and answered it well. You have used examples for all your reasons to cook at home. And the argument is well presented. Perhaps you can add just a little bit more detail to the last reason (cooking as your hobby). Overall it's a good essay. Well done. :)

Undergraduate / I take pride in the insight I have gained from experiencing how other people live. [3]


As I got to know some locals, who had much less than i did, and yet so content with their lives. I grew a greater appreciation for life because of them.


.... Strong sentence.

I liked your essay. Very neat and tidy. Nicely constructed as well. And most importantly it was enjoyable to read it. Well done. :)

Writing Feedback / Theoretical knowledge or practical skill. [3]


Hmmm.. The sentence is a little too long. Try to break it down.
Firstly, many school graduates find themselves unable to do practical work or to solve practical problems at work. This has caused the number of unemployed graduate students to rise since the university too offers a theoretical education rather than a practical one.

I like your examples. Try to find more and I think you will need a bit more detail for the ones you already have. Oh by the way your introduction is great as Dumi said. :)

Undergraduate / I've always desired of venturing off into the large cities: NYU Supplement [6]


I agree. It gets confusing when that happens. You have answered the question accurately.


I felt as if the sentence was a little too long. Would be better to break it down I think.

Writing Feedback / Beubg Friendly and considerate ; characteristics of good neighbors [3]


This sentence doesn't sound very good. Try this.
Since the stone age, man has always lived in groups.


This sentence has several grammar errors.
In the past, an entire family would live in one big house. In the modern world however, families no longer live in the same house. They have separate houses and yet mange to live near each other.

I can see a lot of grammar mistakes. Please pay attention to grammar.

Undergraduate / Engineering is my passion ESSAY(myself); I am desperate to prove myself to the world [3]


I turned eighteen a few months back.


Businessman is one word.


She is a a great mother and has directed me to success throughout my life.


I think taught would be a better word here instead of guide.


It is my fortune to have such a great family and I am thankful to god for this blessing.

The topic is Engineering is my passion right? But then all your about family would be irrelevant. Focus on the topic a bit more.

Writing Feedback / 'Not being hopeless' - Working in a group or working independently? [2]


Some people prefer to do their work and research alone.


Others prefer to work in groups to accomplish their tasks.


As far as I'm concerned, a group of people working together has a lot more benefits to gain than someone working alone.

Yous essay is good but try to keep things simple. :)

Undergraduate / Born in Guangzhou ; Personal Statement - College Application [4]


I think "moved" would be a better word than "came".


Guangzhou is the city right? Try saying it like this.
I was born in Guangzhou, a very big city in China. ... OR...
I was born in a very big city in China called Guangzhou.


When I got to know that our whole family was moving to San Francisco, I was excited and nervous as any 7 year old boy would be.


Didn't know "much" English would sound better, but that I might be wrong.

Undergraduate / Papercraft and its influence on my life; extracurricular activities/ work experiences [8]

Hehehe I was joking. Obviously you wont forget your essay you just want it out of your head for a little while right? hehe don't worry that part is understandable. You have written a good essay. Keep it up. :)

Writing Feedback / Impacts of and solutions for rural depopulation??? [6]

I like the essay. Very nice flow and you have presented your examples and arguments very well.


.... very good example.... It catches the reader's eye. :)


If this situation lasts too long, it will affect the stability and prosperity if a society in a negative manner.

Try talking about the problems caused due to unemployment. It undoubtedly has a direct relationship with the crimes committed in a city.

Undergraduate / 'Google, Microsoft and Apple' - UC - Describe the world you come from [4]


Computers have made my life easier and more convenient. ... OR...
Computers have made many lives easier and more convenient.


Social networking has changed the traditional way of communicating.


They made it easier for me to access information through search engines. But in Indonesia I had to go to the library and look for the correct books to get what I need.

I like your essay and the way you have shown your enthusiasm towards computing. :)

Undergraduate / An Achievement/Risk and how you learned from it; CommonApp Essay [3]


... The honest truth. It is what every child thinks. :)


I don't think you need a "though" here. Or the commas.


Whilst the other girls were busy with their make up and being fashionable, I was busy writing.


... Are you serious???? lol

Anyway It's a good essay. I enjoyed reading it. It would be better if you post the prompt as well. :)

Writing Feedback / Privacy of celebrates on newspapers and magazines Ielts essay [6]


The topic of privacy of celebrities on magazines and newspapers has sparked a heated debate in the recent past.


Some people believe that it should be public. I, however, disagree with this idea. The media should be responsible for what they write.


The sentence is too long nad it might confuse the reader. Try to break it down to 2 parts at least.

Undergraduate / Discuss why you want to study engineering and why DUKE? - DUKE supplement [3]


... So true... :D


I think it is better to say it like this.
While our tap water is clean, it is not so for more than a billion people around the world.


I like the way you built it up to this point.
I like the way you write. It has a natural flow to it. And I like the way you have presented your arguments and examples. It is a good essay. :)

Undergraduate / HAPPY TO BE HERE. Common app essay; topic of my choice [5]

I like the way you write. Your ideas are very clear and the essay is well constructed.


This is the only place I found difficult to understand. Perhaps you should rephrase it.

Overall it's a very good essay. But I think it is always better to post the prompt along with your essay because we could give you more accurate feedback.

Please post the prompt if you can. :)

Undergraduate / Unique aspect of Lehigh/what subject would you make mandatory? [6]

I like your first essay very much. You showed why Leigh university made you feel at home.
Very nicely constructed. Maybe you can emphasize a bit more on the teacher student relationship thing because that is unique aspect you are trying to answer the question with.

.... I like the start. And I like the idea of making a computer proficiency course mandatory.

:)

Undergraduate / My physics teacher, the person who made an impact on me; UT Austin essay [4]


I think one short would be sufficient.


This sentence is not clear to me. Please rephrase it.


I'm assuming it was Mr Porter who helped you find the right path. I think it is better to say it like this.
There were only 2 things that Mr Potter did to make me realize what I should do with my education.


Again there is something odd about this sentence.

Writing Feedback / What would you change if you are given a chance? [3]


This road creates problems to people stuck in traffic.


Especially, people who drive a motorbikes will face too much dust because of the unpaved and rough road.


In contrast, if the government repairs the road in my hometown, the problem of traffic would no longer exist.


This sentence is not clear. please rephrase it.


Do not use "to" here since it would mean that your hometown does not have a bad road but would not like to have 1 in the future.

Writing Feedback / Most important benefits from a job: relax, and fulfilling - even if less money [8]

I can see a few grammar mistakes.



This sentence is not clear enough. Fulfillment is not completely about relaxing.
I think it is better to find work that is fulfilling than one that pays well.

I agree with you. But it is important to maintain a delicate balance between them. Because in the modern world it is find to hard a job which is both fulfilling and that pays your rent.

But overall I think you have presented good facts.

Writing Feedback / Life with Courage [4]


I have not been in many situations where my courage was tested.


This sentence sounds odd. Might be a good idea to rephrase it like this.
These people need to be courageous just to step outside their own house.


You normally don't say more courage or less courage. You could say that a person is courageous or that he is not.


It's just that some people have a harder time finding it than others.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: The concept of only mothers raising their kids has become an old one [4]


Another reason


from a psychological point of view


from an educational perspective


Though this is what usually happens I don't quite agree with the idea. Mothers are more than capable of teaching their children about the hardships in life. There are plenty of single mothers who are doing a wonderful job with their kids.

Overall though, I think your essay is good. You have constructed it well.

Undergraduate / 'Readily prepared' - Most significant challenge you've faced? (MIT) [4]


It is spelled grammar. :)


This sentence is too long. Try to break it down.
It was the first time of my life that I had to travel alone. I was going to Germany for an astronomy camp and my mind was filled with images about the nights I will spend observing those Arab-named stars.

I believe what you have written is a good life experience for this essay. But I think it would be better if you write how you dealt with it.

Hope my suggestions help. :)

Writing Feedback / ( IELTS essay) foreign visitors should be charged more? [5]


I do not think you need a comma there.


Quae? I think it's queue you are looking for.
It seems unfair for a foreigner to pay more and to be standing in the same queue with the locals just to see a historical monument. It might spoil his entire journey.


Tourists expect the maximum for what they pay .


I believe that foreign visitors should be charged slightly more than the locals.

Writing Feedback / My struggle with my dad on a day from coming from school going home [5]

It's a very touching story.
Here are my suggestions.


When i got home, I saw my dad drinking as usually.


totally?? I don't think this is a speech. But I can't be sure because there is no prompt.

Anyway you have mixed up the tenses here and there. I think writing everything in the past tense would be the best way to do this essay. :)

Undergraduate / Papercraft and its influence on my life; extracurricular activities/ work experiences [8]

I like the way you have shown your love for this art. But I'm not sure whether it's a good thing for you to forget things like your papers or essays because of it. :P


My focus is on my creation instead. ... OR... Instead, I focus on my essay.
There's a lot more you can say about this thing. Perhaps a life experience where paper cutting really helped you.

But its still a nicely constructed essay. :)

Undergraduate / My father bought me a telescope - signficant experience ;Common App essay [3]

This is a nice essay and it has got a nice flow to it. :)
Here are my suggestions.


When I used it for the first time, I understood that some of the dots of light in the sky I was so fascinated about were actually planets!


I believe you should use a "the" in front of the telescope.

I like the first couple of paragraphs but the others made it a little confusing.

But i still think you have written a good essay. :)

Writing Feedback / I love the different facets of Taipei [4]

And I'm sorry I did not know that facet actually meant aspect. And now it makes much more sense to me. I am really sorry about that. :)

But I hope you found my other suggestions useful..

Hope to see more essays from you aszxxccv...

Writing Feedback / Is saving endangered species worth? 'maintain the balance of ecological systems' [3]

This is a wonderfully constructed essay. :)
I could not find much faults in it as it had been organized very well.


we do know that no creature exists in isolation and that ecosystems are delicate arrangements where plants and animals all depend on one another for survival.

I too agree on preserving endangered species merely on the fact that all beings have a right to exist, but it must be understood that there is a limit of beings the planet can withstand. Preserving animals who have been endangered due to human activity is no doubt a responsibility, but the rest should be decided by nature. It may seem unkind, but trying to preserve each and every being might result a bigger chaos.

I really enjoyed reading your essay. :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay, Will letter writing disappear? [3]

It's a good essay. I can see a few grammar mistakes here and there.
Here are some suggestions that you might find useful.


Communication has become very easy in the modern world. In the past people relied on letters to communicate with one another but now they usually use the mobile phone or the computer.


It is no doubt that information is being delivered much faster and more efficiently than through a letter.


It can be seen that people are not patient anymore to wait for information like in the past.

I think you have presented good facts. Try to work out your grammar mistakes. :)

Writing Feedback / Writting a argument synthesis essay about Divorce and children [3]

this is a very interesting topic to write on and you have presented some very good facts. :)
Here are some suggestions you may find useful.


A divorce is child's nightmare.It is one of the most harmful things that could happen to his future.


... Children of divorce????
Thankfully, most children whose parents have divorced have managed somehow to overcome the emotional trauma.

Try and reduce the grammatical errors and you will have done a good job. :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Exterior of buildings is more important than their functions. [3]

I think this is a great essay. It has a natural flow to it and you have presented plenty of good facts. :)
Here are a few suggestions you might find useful.


Appearance is the vital element for a magnificent building.


... This is an very important sentence. But i got the feeling that it was a little too long. Try to break it down to 2.


More importance should be given to the internal function and the safety aspect of the building.

your essay is very good. I hope my suggestions were of use. :)

Writing Feedback / I love the different facets of Taipei [4]

I think your topic should be "I love the different facts of Taipei"and not "facets"

You have written a good essay but there are a few grammar mistakes.



... This is an important sentence because you are telling the reader what Taipei is like.
Taipei is a modern, fast paced city with cozy atmosphere. It's place where one could find the latest technologies and is a great place to have fun.


More importantly, the world famous Taipei 101 building, which is the building in the world, is also within the city.

I like what you have done but it's not enough for an essay. Try to make it bigger. :)

Writing Feedback / (IELTS essay) disappearing languages good or bad? [6]

No problem. :) If you rewrite your essay post it here. I'm more than happy to help.


....
I'm sorry I didn't see this before. I don't quite understand what you mean by people feel.


It would be easier to share ideas if everybody speaks one language.


... Nature has many things to make it beautiful. Diversity is just one of them. Therefore you will have to use 'a' instead of 'the'. :)

Writing Feedback / (IELTS essay) disappearing languages good or bad? [6]

This is a very interesting topic. And you have presented good essay.
Here are a few suggestions. :)


Many languages are disappearing every year. Is this bad for the world or is it going to help unify the human race?


.... You are talking about the world becoming a global village right??
The world has become a global village and many languages have been forgotten during the process.


.... This is a very good point..

This is actually a good essay. I hope my suggestions were helpful..

Writing Feedback / IELTS--people prefer to follow sports events on TV rather than take part in sport [4]

You have written a good essay.
Here are a few suggestions:


A convincing example - It should be ''A'' because ''convincing'' starts with ''c'' which is not a vowel.
An example - Here it's ''An'' because ''example'' starts with the vowel ''e''


''people'' sounds better :)

You better include a specific example for your reason ! I have not done IELTS, but I have read that this task requires your reasons to be supported by specific examples :)

Undergraduate / 'Building is permanent' - UW Undergrad Essay - My Character-Defining Moment [3]

This is a good essay and it has a very nice rhythm to it.
Here are some suggestions that you might find useful.


... This is an important part of your essay.
I could not wait to visit this place that was calling my name and I was elated when i finally had the opportunity to pay a visit with my mother.

Ignore if I had misunderstood this but at the begining of the essay you are saying that you were mesmarized only when you went to Seattle but here it points out that you were already looking forward to visiting Seattle....

I think the ending needs a little bit more life. But overall I think it's a great essay. I hope my suggestions helped. :)