Undergraduate / "I have volunteered at our neighborhood's public library" - UC prompt 1 [2]

Good afternoon :)

Make sure that you don't begin your sentences with conjunctive/transitory words such as "but," "so," or "and."

Make sure that you are properly using spaces in your sentences. For example, "...hands-on work , such as..." should be "...hands-on work, such as..." There are a couple instances of this, so make sure you look carefully and correct all of them before submission.

"...self - esteem" should be "self-esteem."

Avoid using abbreviations in formal academic writing; for instance, "200lbs" should be "200 pounds."

Make sure your subjects and verbs agree. For instance, "These hands-on work gave..." should be "This hands-on work gave me..."

Avoid contractions in formal academic writing; "I'm" should be "I am."

How has this shaped your dreams and aspirations?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'academic strenght and research opportunities' Why decide to apply - emory supplement [2]

Good afternoon :)

I think this is a great response to the prompt. You explain very well why you want to attend the university, it flows well, and is easy to read. I wouldn't add anything else :)

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / A time when you tried something for which you had no talent. Essay. [4]

Good afternoon :)

First, make sure that you are only capitalizing proper nouns and the first words of sentences. For example, "Elementary" shouldn't be capitalized.

Second, the general rule for numbers in formal academic writing is that if it is between one and ten, writing out the words is appropriate; if it is 11 or above, using the numerals is appropriate.

Third, make sure you run the piece through a spell checking program such as Word or the Mozilla web browser as there are some spelling errors.

Avoid beginning your sentences with conjunctive/transitory words such as "so," "but," or "and."

In regards to content, you have a great response to the prompt. You explain your experience very well; it is organized, it flows well, and is easy to read.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / UNC essay - the result of my curiosity [4]

As I don't know what the prompt it, it is difficult for me to say whether this is a good answer to it or not. As a standalone narrative piece, it is very effective. This is a very good descriptive snapshot of an event.

Undergraduate / "Born and raised in Abu Dhabi" - UC prompt 1 - Off topic?? Advice needed. [18]

Thanks! It helps :)

I think you stick to the topic quite well. You explain how your family has shaped you, and you express that your wish to make them proud of you guides you through your educational choices. Nice work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / To enrich Howard University - Help with law school personal statement. [9]

Good afternoon :)

Just a short internet etiquette note; when you write in all caps like this, it's equal to shouting. So, unless you mean to yell at someone, try not to use all caps. :)

In regards to the conclusion, it shouldn't introduce any new information. It should tie to your introduction in theme or pattern, and restate the main topics of your essay. With that in mind, it sounds like yours should briefly discuss the individuals in your essay and how they helped you, why/how they influenced you to take on challenges in school, what is important to you in relation to your career, and how you are a good fit for this school.

Keep up your hard work; you're almost there!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "Ping pong is serious business" - common app essays [9]

I think that the short answer is just fine. In regards to the second one, I think it's a good response, but you could elaborate a little more on the independence you found during this camp. Your final sentence is really good, but I find myself wanting a little more explanation before it.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / SAIC design statement of purpose; 'As long as there is life, there will be art' [7]

Good afternoon :)

You're on the right track; much improved from the last couple of times. Continue to work on cutting out the frills; for instance, "I am always interested by the artistic qualities that surround me. . I listen; I watch and pay attention to the most insignificant aspects: advertisements, conversations on the bus, or on the street, people's expressions, their moods etc. I am constantly tuned in. The world is a plasmid TV with unlimited channels, and I am its addict" could be condensed.

Keep up the hard work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / my first intro to chemistry class - UM Major [3]

Good afternoon :)

As you didn't explain what kind of assistance you were seeking, I have made some general comments about your piece:

It instilled skills in me that will help me for many years to come and from the hours of memorization and dedication to the subject (Remove comma) I not only learned the material but also gained a greater understanding of education as a whole, which helped me in all my classes.

Few words can explain my love for chemistry but dedication is as close as I can get .

Another excellent answer to the prompt. Good organization, clear, concise, and easy to read. Nice work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "Gained social, intellectual, or cultural differences" - UM Diversity [4]

As you didn't include what type of assistance you were seeking, I have made some general comments in regards to your piece.

"As I felt the sweat drench my palms and the quiver in my legs, I prepared myself to give a seventy-six minute presentation on the immune system to my AP BiologyThis isn't a proper noun, so it shouldn't be capitalized. class.

You've done a great job concisely describing the event and easily relating it to how you will contribute to the university. Your piece is easy to read, well organized, and sequential. Nice work.

Writing Feedback / Telling the truth is not a best option always [5]

Good afternoon :)

As you didn't explain what type of assistance you were seeking, I have made some suggestions in regards to mechanics and grammar:

"You must tell me the truth," "I would not believe you anymore if you lie to me even once." ButAvoid beginning your sentences with conjunctive/transitory words such as "and," "so," or "but." sometimes..."

"Firstly, sometimes the truth is hurtful."

"...asking, "Is he better?" I would rather answer "Yes, he is," even if he is not because I am giving hope to this person; hope that one day the illness will be over."

"Another good reason to lie is that it protects traditions. We lie to children that the presents under the fir tree are left by Santa Clause while the child slept. We do this because we grew up with this lie, and so did out ancestors; this lie is beautiful and it allows the child to think that not everything is so real as they are."

With the corrections above in mind, look through the last two paragraphs of this piece and look for areas where you can improve.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "the day I first came to America" - admission essay [2]

Good afternoon :)

First, some mechanical suggestions. Make sure you are capitalizing only the first words of sentences and proper nouns. As such, "Nursing" shouldn't be capitalized.

"For the first few weeks, I was like a breathing statue who could not talk."

"Besides the language barrier, as a..."

"...English subtitles and dictionary beside me."

Avoid using contractions in formal academic writing; "I'm" should be "I am."

In regards to the "I was having..." section, I would remove "I was having..." and then leave it as it is; the flow is fine there.

To reduce the word count, I suggest just taking out some of the beginning details. For instance, "Once an American historian Bernice Johnson Reagon said, "Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you. They're supposed to help you discover who you are." It was not an easy journey, but after going through it all by myself, what I found within me were the strong will, courage, responsibility, and confidence. I am proud that I won from the fight with myself and develop myself though it. I consider I just made one step. Still there is far more to go. There will be more challenges later in my life. However, I am no longer afraid of them. I trust myself. I know I can and will handle it. I'm ready to make a big jump to get closer to the goal in my life" could be shortened.

I hope this helps!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / A CULT and YOUTH?- UC Essay Prompt #1. revise. [6]

Good afternoon :)

I think your voice is very confident; you explain your interpretations and experiences with a very authoritative tone. I think it partly answers the prompt; I don't really see how this answers the part about your dreams or aspirations. It seems that you discuss more about wanting to get more out of life, and if that is your dream or aspiration, you need to make that more clear.

In regards to the bold words, I suggest looking them up at thesaurus.com; this is a Webster Dictionary page, a partner of dictionary.com; it has great synonyms and antonyms, and that should help you get a better idea as to what words you would like to use.

In regards to the italicized phrases, here are some suggestions:

"...to cleanse our souls of the accumulated karma of past lives."
...to cleanse our souls of the accumulated murky karma of past lives.

"As a youth, I was unable to integrate into my community due to what I perceived as religious differences; and thereby lied about my religious affiliation."

As a youth, I was unable to integrate into my community due to what I perceived as religious differences. Therefore, I lied about my religious affiliation.

"At a young age I found no reason to interact with local children, constantly viewed as the pariah playing by herself and as a stereotypical Asian girl: quiet and compliant."

At a young age I found no reason to interact with local children; I was constantly viewed as a pariah because I played by myself, and was thought of as the stereotypical Asian girl; quiet and compliant.

"...in which, practitioners...
...in which practitioners...

"Not many of my questions were answered, and the few that were, were left to be satisfied with weak, general responses; with that,..."

Not many of my questions were answered; the few that did get acknowledged were done so with weak, general responses; because of that..."

"I will never be able to know what the experience feels like."
I would never know what that experience felt like.

"Ultimately this disposition became one of the driving forces in my life; motivating me to do things I never would have considered if I had just simply accepted the black and white teachings of the "method"."

Ultimately, this curiosity became one of the driving forces in my life, motivating me to do things I never would have considered if I had just simply accepted the black and white teachings of the "method."

"...has led to self "indulgences" in things such as consuming meat and egg;"
I wouldn't change anything here.

"...of what the world has to offer; and in someway they were rooted in the "method"."
...of what the world has to offer and in some way these deficiencies were rooted in the "method."

In regards to word count, I would remove this section: "To wake up from a pseudo-reality in which the "method" was priority, to a seemingly alternate universe where one who is willing to shed certain beliefs can experience many experiences, is an indescribable sensation. Discarding my religious standard in order to personally discover the world has allowed me to open up and function normally among my peers. But what I have come to value the most is my voracious desire to learn; to have discovered such a gift is a blessing, but to be able to cultivate it is a once in a life time opportunity" and rewrite a shorter, more relevant conclusion.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / 'traffic jam, noisy neighborhood' - New movie theater may be built [3]

Good afternoon :)

"Going to movie theater is a hobby for many people; therefore, the number of movie theaters has been increacingSpelling in the last ten years. No one is assured where the building of a new movie theater will occur; it may be in his or her neighborhood, or my neighborhood. If someone decided to built a new movie theater in my neighborhood, I would oppose the idea. "

Undergraduate / "the school varsity tennis team" - Prompt #2 [7]

I'm not really sure what the coach has to do with your story; if he is supposed to be the main focus (which I'm not sure of because you didn't includes the prompt), this piece has the wrong focus. All of your focus is on your experience during this run, and not a lot else. There isn't really any deep reflection or self-evaluation in regards to how you changed as a person after this experience. As far as cutting it down, I suggest maybe not including so many details about the run; you could condense the middle without ruining the rest of the piece.

Undergraduate / Describing a time in which your friends and teachers supported you through a tough time [15]

Good evening :)

OK, let's see:

They helped me adjust to a new environment by helping me in various ways to understand what was being lectured You could also use "said" here. by the teacher.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Resilience and Confucian proverb [3]

Good evening :)

OK, let's see. How about, "When I was six, I curiously pressed a key on an old piano that stood untouched in my house. Little did I know that this single note would be my very first."

Nice changes! I reviewed the revised one, and wouldn't change a thing! A great response! Good work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'volunteering at local schools' - UC prompt#2 - Helping people [2]

Good evening :)

I think you've got really good content here; you describe what experience/event you are proud of and why, and do so with a good amount of detail. You also explain how it relates to who you are now, and close with a good conclusion that ties to the beginning. The only thing that strikes me is the format. It seems that it is almost too rigid; it comes across more like a checklist than a flowing essay. While this does add to its organization, the rest of the piece is so organized that this structure adds to much, making the piece rigid. Think of ways to soften your transitions between paragraphs. For instance, instead of saying "This relates to the person that I am because..." say something like, "I like to help people, and this relates to the person that I am; I enjoy helping them especially..."

I hope this helps!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "What Men Live by?" - Leo Tolstoy once asked this question in one of his famous novels [4]

Good evening :)

What Men Live by?" Double check this quote; should it be "What do men live by?" Whichever way it is, make sure this quote is accurate. Leo Tolstoy once asked this question in one of his famous novels. Each person may pursue different values in their lives . Personally, I put happiness as the first priority of my life. Then, where does happiness come from? I got the answer from an unforgettable experience in my school days, and it opened my eyes to other people's lives. I don't think this section is too confusing; I think it sounds good.

A very nice piece. With a little cleaning up, it will be much improved.

Undergraduate / 'one cannot do everything, one can do something' - UT Austin- issue of importance [2]

Good evening :)

This is a wonderful essay! I only have a couple of suggestions:

"...in 9th grade when my close neighbor joined the American forces in Iraq, and in Israel during the Israel and Lebanon War." Is this the entire sentence? It seems like you left out an age or a year in reference to the war. If not, consider rewriting for clarity.

"...father, an Israel native..." this should be "...my father, an Israeli native..." or "...my father, a native of Israel..."

Other than that, a wonderful response! I don't see anywhere repetitive, and other than those two corrections, it is a clean piece. Great work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / How to properly place the quotation which is referring to Enderun? [2]

Good evening :)

You should consult your required citation style for final formatting questions, but I believe the following would be appropriate:

"A place where leaders of a global industry will be taught" (This should be the author's last name or the article's title ). Enderun is located at the Wynsum Corporate Plaza in Ortigas. This hotel college offers bachelor's degree and non-degree courses in hotel administration and culinary arts. During my short but amazing stay in Enderun for an interview as part of the admission process, I was able to prove the magazine's statement.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Passionate Art Student's PS for UC! Learn about a foreign kid's experience!! [7]

You're very welcome.

I don't think it does, because we don't learn what your major is, nor any involvement with a group in the field, or really what you gained from this event. What it does tell us is that you succeeded in an individual aspect on an individual level for an individual award. We also get a great deal of detail about something irrelevant to the prompt. Working with the group for this Santa project could be a better focus; how you were upset because you (the individual) didn't have the winning idea, and you had to adapt to that new environment. that could be something to delve into more.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "Catia - My role model" - Opinion... Admission Essay [6]

Good evening :)

First, make sure you are capitalizing only proper nouns and the first words of sentences. As such, "Pedagogue" and "Public School" shouldn't be capitalized. There are other instances of this throughout your piece, so make sure you catch them all.

"I had to take care of all administrative duties, calendar, schedule meetings, lesson planning, etc. ????" Should be, "I had to take care of all administrative duties, calendar responsibilities, schedule meetings, and plan lessons."

"...on newspapers..." should be "...in newspapers..."

"I did not feel confident enough because I do not have a college degree, and I had never..." make sure you are staying in the same tense throughout your piece. This should be "I did not feel confident enough because I did not have a college degree, and I had never..."

"...and model she gave me." should be "...and modeling she gave me."

A great piece. You are very organized and provide good examples. Your introduction is very intriguing and your conclusion ties the piece up nicely. Your transitions between paragraphs move along well, making the piece easy to read. With a little more polishing, I think you'll be ready for submission!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / SAIC design statement of purpose; 'As long as there is life, there will be art' [7]

Good evening :)

Already, in the first paragraph, I'm wondering where the purpose is; where is the link to career, or life after college? In your statement of purpose, you want that to be first and foremost in your reader's mind; show your strength and dedication to your goals; state your purpose. In my opinion, this piece is still to showy to be a statement of purpose. There is too much decorative language and "extra frills"; again, the second paragraph is the only meat to the essay, given its purpose.

I suggest you get an idea for what others have written for their SOPs; you can do an online search for "examples of SOPs" or check for "art SOP". There are others out there, and perhaps seeing another's will help you get on track for yours.

Best of luck :)

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "Linked to my grandfather's presence" -UC prompt 1 [2]

I think this is a great piece, especially that first paragraph. You acknowledge and answer every facet of the prompt, and stay organized with good sequencing while you do it. Your sentence structure looks good, as does the overall organizational structure. Your intro is catchy and your conclusion ties things up well. Overall, I think you've got a very nice piece. Good work.

Undergraduate / "The person, my grandpa" - UC prompt #2 [2]

Good evening :)

Since you didn't explain what type of assistance you were seeking, I have made some general comments in regards to your piece.

In the first paragraph, avoid using conjunctive/transitory words such as "but", "so," or "and" at the beginning of your sentences. Watch for this in your subsequent paragraphs.

In the second paragraph, avoid contractions in formal academic writing, as they are inappropriate. "Couldn't" should be "could not."

In regards to content, I think this is a fine response to the prompt. You have explained the event/individual that impacted you, and illustrated how your growth during this time has made you proud. In your conclusion paragraph you describe how this entire experience relates to who you are today, and tie it up with a strong concluding sentence. Nice work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "I think Florida State is perfect" - FSU essay [2]

I think your content is a great answer to the prompt. You take each character trait and evaluate and apply it to your life, with enough detail not to loose your reader. Your paragraphs are well organized, and your thoughts flow fluidly. Your conclusion wraps everything up, and your introduction is a great match with it. Nice work.

Essays / Writing an essay on "the iron men" by farley mowat [2]

Good evening :)

Congratulations on going back to school! It will be a wonderful experience. First off, to help you with your essay, it will help me if I know what the expectations of your instructor are. For instance, has he/she told you what kind of essay it should be? For example, should it be a piece involving interpretation through a literary theory? Should it be an opinion piece? A narrative? An expository essay? What are the requirements as far as format (citation style, if any) and page length?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "Music is discipline" - Prompt #2 uc essay [3]

Good evening :)

I am not familiar with this university's prompts; since you didn't include the prompt for this piece, I made some general comments. Also, as I am unfamiliar with their admissions process, I do not know what prompt #2 is, so I'm afraid I cannot tell you whether or not it would fit that prompt better. Hopefully someone else on this site who is more familiar with this institution can assist you with that.

"...the notes, if played correctly, keep the melody alive."

"My performing skills improved; every time the band played, I played loud..."

"...that you must possess..." Avoid the pronouns "you" and "your" in formal academic writing, as they are inappropriate. Try using "me," "I," or "one" instead.

"...and be a role model toyour section."

"I myself, as a principal musician, set a personal goal to be an example for my section of twelve flautists, teaching the incoming freshmen the rules of the Castro Valley High Symphonic Band (Remove comma) and improving the skills of those of who have been here for a while. Of course, all principals of their respective sections, such as the clarinet section or the trumpet section, have all these qualities as well ."

I'm not sure the conclusion really ties the piece up all that well. It should tie up with your introduction, so you should say something about individuality disrupting the overall harmony of the group in your conclusion. I do, however, like your last sentence and suggest keeping it.

I hope this helps.

Undergraduate / "There is one who leads and there is one who follows." - admission essay [4]

I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with the university or their admissions procedures and requirements. Can you post the prompt here?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / I have already previewed life at Penn State and absolutely loved it - summer experience [4]

I think once you've done the mechanical/grammatical polishing, it will be a great piece. Take a deep breath and send it off!

Scholarship / "VCU scholarship essay" - Compose Page 87 of your autobiography [3]

Good evening :)

As you didn't describe what type of assistance you were seeking, I have made some general comments in regards to the piece.

"I still remember my art teacher, Mrs. Dayhoff, and..."

"...into the School of the Arts, I was ecstatic."

"My Graphic Design business..." These are not proper nouns and therefore shouldn't be capitalized.

"He's very.." Avoid contractions in formal academic writing; they are inappropriate. This should be "He is..."

"But if it is..." Avoid beginning your sentences with conjunctive/transitory words such as "but," "so," or "and."

This piece is a good narrative snapshot piece; short and to the point but with good flow.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "I had to reach the finish line." - Help with Prompt 2 [2]

Good evening :)

I think you've got a good start here, but the focus is in the wrong place. As the piece is now, the focus is more on the event and not on how you really feel about the accomplishment. The prompt wants to know more about why this event makes you feel proud and how/what it has to do with who you are now. I suggest condensing the story about the meet and spending more time explaining why you are proud of your performance, and how it changed you into the person you are now.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / I have already previewed life at Penn State and absolutely loved it - summer experience [4]

Because you didn't state what type of assistance you were seeking, I have made some general comments in regards to mechanics and grammar:

"This summer I attended the Summer StudyIs this the actual title of the program? If so, "program" should be capitalized also. If not, "Summer Study" shouldn't be capitalized. program at Penn State University. I spent six and a half weeks in this "pre- college" program at the University Park campus. As students in the Summer Study program, we boarded in Shunk Hall with a roommate just as we will in college. I loved living in Shunk Hall and eating in Pollock Commons. The food in the dining hall definitely exceeded my expectations.

This is an appropriate answer to the prompt; you acknowledge all of the facets of their question and answer them completely. Good work.

Undergraduate / 'the only other Indian-American' - Common App Admission [4]

Good evening :)

What is the prompt for this essay?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / questions on UC personal statement [2]

Good evening :)

I think that answering an essay prompt with a complete sentence to begin with is always a good idea.

As to which topic to choose, which story do you think exhibits and describes the experience that is more important to you? Which one will better describe what about it makes you proud and relates to who you are? The one that answers these questions best should be your choice.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "There is one who leads and there is one who follows." - admission essay [4]

Good evening :)

What is the prompt/assignment for this essay?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "Ping pong is serious business" - common app essays [9]

Thank you. That helps very much :)

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Biology Creative Essay [2]

Good evening :)

What can we help you with here? What kind of assistance are you seeking?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Gastronomy is much more than just a hobby for me - extracurricular mini-essay [4]

Good afternoon :)

As I stated before, watch what you start your sentences off with. Avoid beginning your sentences with conjunctive/transitory words such as "but," "so," or "and."

Other than that, I think it is a good piece!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com